Kirby Bentley - Ordineroli Speaking

Indigenous woman to hold such a role. Kirby wants to use her standing to help change the narrative and empower young girls challenging gender norms along the way, the memory and strength of her Auntie Andrea with her every step of the way. I ask you to listen to this episode with an open heart as we discuss some uncomfortable truths. Sharing stories helps us understand each other better, and Kirby has an incredible story to tell. Please know this episode

contains a graphic conversation around violence. If it's triggering, there is help out there. One eight hundred, Respect Beyond Blue, dot org dot AU or Lifeline one three double one one four are just a couple of places you can go. We caught up in Melbourne just before the WA border reopened.

because that's what I know and understand. So if they teach me to be respectful or to show courtesy or loyalty or whatever that looks like, and then that's the same thing. So in my head, from my experiences, a lot of those people who are still in the country that I grew up with, their generation above them and above that have all stayed there and have all been

told and learned the same thing. So when you hear racist comments or anything derogatory or discriminate, it's yeah, it's come or stem from that.

and my best friends. They were all white and all boys as well, and I remember watching my two cousins scuffle with two white boys and two of my best friends I've known since three four started using the word bung and kone l like I don't worry about the colonel, And it shocked me because I'd never heard it from their mouth in my life. And as I said before, the first time hearing that that's obviously come from their parents, and that's a hard thing, I guess to hear from anyone.

But I remember snapping my head at them and just saying, what the hell, like, why are you saying that? I'm not you, just them. That's obviously they're categorizing us as aboriginals are this, and that's their perception in a negative way, so of course it's going to be offensive. And that was probably the first time. And I remember going home to Mum and Dad and saying the same thing, and they just said, make sure you tell them that that's not okay. So and I'm glad that I pulled them up on

that day. But I've never heard them say it ever again. That's not to say that they've never used that language ever again, but yeah, they've never used it in front of me again.

So yeah, when that was said to me, knowing that I've grown up with these boys, like these are my kids, where we've grown up forever together, and to hear that is just, yeah, you don't really want to feel like that shame about your own culture, because that's all I understood. So I knew that I was Aboriginal, but I didn't

know what that meant, if that makes any sense. So for me to say that I'm proud to be who I am now, it's because I now understand what our culture is and who I am and where that bloodline flows on from.

I was probably the only original person. Another two years older, there was another cousin, and then my sisters were two years younger and two years younger again, so there weren't many of us all the time, but when there were there were still we were still way out numbered to be able to fight that battle or to know how to as well.

So we had a prefect meeting and there were twelve of us, and all of my school friends had all these flash cars, and I just remember our car not starting and I was in the passenger seat and I slid down in a physical act, and it was my dad blew up at me. So it was Dad took me down to the school and he said, don't you ever do that ever again. Don't ever feel like you have to be shame about anything. This is what we

have and this is what it is. And it was probably from that moment that I then realized that if I had New Balance and somebody had nikes on it, it was only because that was what we were able to have. So I think I started to shift the way that I thought about things. Then. Obviously you're young and you're immature, and you don't fully grasp it, but I think that was probably the turning point. If I reflect on it, you were just.

battles are still what they are. They're a little more spoken about and people are a little bit more educated, but not fully and to be able to have those open, honest conversations in regards to just creating a conversation, not knowing what is offensive and what isn't, we're still not able to do that. That's huge for change and for growth and for moving forward for both Aboriginals and Australians

in general. Regardless of what your bloodline is, So even if you're an Asian Australia or Chinese Australian or a French Australian, whatever that is so for me that's invaluable, but that's still a long way away. So do you like.

and make us feel small. When somebody, for example, has brought up why can't we say abbo because we shorten everything. That's an ouzzy thing to do, but not a part of our history in culture and creating that change, that's not okay. So explaining that and for people to hear that and then share that with other people they're having conversations with when Aboriginals aren't around is a very important thing and impactful.

hold the responsibility of making sure everything stays together. So we're the glue where everything and our matriarch, they're the ones we always go to, but they're the ones that always copy it and take all all the brunt of things. So, as an Aboriginal woman in Australia and as a woman in general, so we would have the same battles and challenges in regards to our workplace, but then it'll be on a different level when it comes to something else.

So if an opportunity comes up, you're more than likely to get that step forward because it's easier for them to help you than it is to help me.

that into perspective. When you go into any workplace, you kind of have to know one under stand what that person, who, that is, where they fit with you, and trying to figure out how you fit with them to then know what kind of guard you hold up and what you let down to then know that it's going to be okay or I've got to be careful here.

you into the mistake or the error. And that's kind of for me how it feels when other people don't necessarily see it happening, but you feel it happening to yourself.

I feel like I'm always having to do everything well above and beyond what is supposed to be done, because the one time that I don't do it quite right, I don't belong here. But men can kind of not do it nine times out of ten, and that one time they get it right. Yeah, yeah, they've got the job. They're good for this role. And it's such a different perception and world to live in. But that's the reality

of it. And he never ever thought of that because obviously he has he's not a woman, and he's never been in those shoes because he's always had opportunities given. He's either said yes, I am capable, even if he's not, and he's gone and done it and then learn just off the cuff of it. So for us, we don't really say yes unless we know that we can do more than And it's a really interesting way of looking at it, but that's us keeping ourselves safe.

was always at seven, home and away. If they were kissing or anything on there, I wasn't allowed to watch it. It was just it was crazy and I was back and you kind of go, what was going on there? Kids are watching worse Now.

so they just wears mum. So Mum wasn't with us, so nan I remember her sitting on the bed and I was laying because I was a tomboy nickname was Billy, and I had no idea what the hell was going on with me, So hands behind my head, like pretty pissed off about it, and it's going what the hell? And Nan was trying to explain, you know when you become a young woman, and I was like, I don't want to be that pissed ohole, Like I was so angry, and then when it left, I was like, oh, it's done,

so just one time. Two weeks later, I had a netball kind of the same thing in Perth, but it was worse. But I also wasn't prepared for it, so it was probably it was the most embarrassing thing, but most unspoken thing. On top of having women like female coaches and older players around me and not being able to pull me aside and help me understand that, I

was kind of left alone with it. And as embarrassing as it was for me, I could see people looking on reflection, I could see people looking at me, and it was on a need to know basis, so I only need to know about my period when it happened. So sometimes staying in a kid's place was very beneficial not understanding you know, some of the things that happen in adult lives, but in those circumstances, yeah, you need

to know those things. So it was good in that sense that they did keep me in a kid's place, But yeah, I wish that they were one step ahead and educating and the reasons why and so we can ask questions and not feel that shame factor, because yeah, I just didn't know what was going on. So even without rest, I was remember standing in the shower trying to push him back in because I wanted to play afl with the West Coast Eagles, So I just didn't

know what was happening. Yeah, I'm trying to explain it, and I think I was selective hearing and just I'll still Adam and I was going to play football for with Ben Cousins and we're a punda.

of the brothers. I don't know, boys can probably explain this or men or why they would do this, but one of the brothers pulled open their shorts and showed me their little peanuts and same age, and I leaned over and I was shocked. I was like, what the fuck?

What is that? What is happening? They're like and the other brother did it, and they're like Charles Joel's curb, and I just started feeling because I was I was probably like eight or nine, and I was like, I don't have one, and I just remember grabbing my shirt because the mom came, what are you boys doing? Like?

Go back outside and play? And I remember tacking my shirt on, walking back all confused and looking at Dad and they're looking at Mum and then watching the foot he was on that night as well, and just really tripping out what's going on? I knew that I was a girl, I just didn't know what that looked like from a visual point.

learn and understand. It wasn't until like I played in my first state team and it was bringing Bianco Franklin to original girls and blackfellows you always want to kind of draw to, and they're like my big sisters, So I've always seen him in that way and they've always looked at me in that way as well, which is a powerful thing, and it's a great thing as a young original girl and a younger girl coming from Mount

Baker to step into a team that has that. But I think in my first two state teams, because it pretty much stayed the same players for those two years, I don't think I ever spoke, and because I didn't really know how to use a knife and fork, I just do the old fork, stab into the food and just smash it down as quick as I could because I could because I wanted to go and play or whatever. So I actually didn't know how to use utensils. As

small as it is. It was so significant when we went out to dinner because I'd never been to a restaurant before that, and before that, I'd never been to an airport, let alone being on the plane. So my first trials had just rewinder. Second, I remember seeing there were two hundred girls and at the end there was Phase one and there was a cart. One hundred girls were cart and Phase two and another cart. Then phase

three it said team selection and then camera. So at list this is showing me age once again driving home four hours and so oh dad wears camera because when we get home, looking the outlets. So the first thing I did walked in the house, put my bags down, pulled out this old Atlas book and was looking for camber in wa searching for ages, and I said Dad, I said I can't find it, and he goes, it's over here. I was like, do we have to get

a plane and he goes, yeah, he goes. So I started training my ass off because I wanted to go on airplane. I didn't give a shit about what team up. I didn't even know what I was trayling for, to be honest. So I got selected and I was handed this black and gold dress. So I was trailing for State seventeens as a fourteen year old, no idea. It's my whole family, my nan, my pop, Arnie's uncle's cousins. I pretty much sat on half of the little theater room that we're in, and then just mums and dads

of all the all the other girls. So yeah, I got given this dress and gone on a plane and flew to Canberra, and that was it. So learning about knives and forks and speaking properly. The only reason I started to speak the way that I speak and I do what I do is because I've watched David Rupunda and the way that he speaks and his stories and using words in the right context for me to then understand, Oh, that's what that means or this is how it should

have should sound, not like this. So I was learning from that to then know how to interact. So two years playing State with these girls, I started to use similar language to what they would use because it was private school girl and correct English. So that's the only reason why I was able to speak the way I speak and do what I do. And that's the only reason why I am the way that I am and

I speak the way I speak. Now, so you can get me to do any kind of work on the internet or study, I just I won't know how to do it, but I'd figure it out, but only because I'd go and ask a thousand questions to people to either show me or walk me through it. As an Aboriginal woman in netball and then transitioning into football, I need our girls and like white or whoever to understand that we're not all the same and we do understand

things differently. And sometimes it's not that we don't want to, sometimes we don't know how to, and it's just breaking those barriers and understanding that our worlds are different. So some girls don't come to training, it's not because they don't want to, and it's not because they can't. It's because there's something that just happened that they need to make sure that is in place.

mum last night. You can't say that you yelled at or we don't have washing powder, we don't have money, We're just not You don't talk about those things because it's a shame factor, not on yourself but just from a family perspective. But we're trying to shift perspectives too, but we can't shift it unless people are open to it. So can't I can't tell you that I don't have any money because what I grew up to understand is

the perception is they don't think we have money. We probably don't, but it's more saying this is why, or this is this is where I fall down in this space. Can you please help me? Those conversations haven't really been allowed.

If somebody had shared those things openly and I'd heard that as a young Aboriginal woman, an end or man or boy or whatever, you'd feel more inclined to then know who they those people are that you can then talk to because end of the day, your white friends have a lot more influence and change than you do.

She's always kind and wants to help people first and has always done that and has always been forgiving, but at her detriment as a daughter. Now, I'll tell my real age as a thirty five year old, you don't want it. You don't want to see your mum in that position, so I get really protective of it. But growing up, she taught me the values that I that I stand for and the way that I am, so loyalty, honesty, respect, integrity. They're very key values and a lot of companies use

those values, but she's just done them instinctively. So she's just Yeah, she's a good woman.

But yeah, you can't really live off regret. See that an Andrew would call every week a few times, a few times a week, and she had thirteen kids, so they wanted to make sure that we knew them and they knew us, and their relationship was a very, very powerful bond.

left them in the house and basically left as a threat. Definitely, definitely but ane. Andrea, another auntie and her two daughters were at the house and when they came out to get in the car with the evidence of what was left there, he was at the restraining order distance, so literally one hundred and fifty one meters standing there looking at the house, looking at my aunties and cousins, leaving

as a threat. So he was in reach then. And when and Andrew had made the complaint or report that he'd breached the restraining order previously, it was disregarded, and a time before that was also disregarded. So went to the police station with the machete, the diaries, everything else, and they were crying like Anandre knew in her in her gut. She said it to us, she wrote it in the diaries, that he's going to kill her some

way or another. And he said it to mum and we tried as a family to put everything in place to make sure that that wasn't going to happen. So when they went to the police that day with the machetes and the diaries and put it on and explained everything. The moment Anandrea and my other Arnie went and sat down or like literally turned around, they grabbed the machete and just kind of playing swords with it, which is

like obviously a neglect of their role as policemen. So they didn't take it seriously, which was found in the court cases. And I think from that moment, I remember her sitting with Mum crying and said, he's going to kill me, and when he does, I need you to take my babies and look after them. So I remember Mum just saying yep, she goes, I will, but nothing's going to happen. So the couple days later, and Andrea went and stayed with the Arnie she was with that

her house, so a different house. My sister was with Andrew that night and my other auntie and a cousin, so they were walking from the house because he had made another threat. That walked from the house down mirror Booker av which is maybe a fifteen minute walk to

get to where they were going. So there was a McDonald's at the end of two traffic lights, and he'd come over and I really don't know how where he came from and how he even knew where they were, but he'd came over the hill, run at An Andrea, my sister, and my cousins and threatened her. Then my

sister had her phone called triple zero. As calm as she was, she was scared as all hell, but we naturally were protective in nature, so she was also on the defensive while making the phone call, trying to pull Annie Andrea back, but throwing a bottle at him and just saying triple zero. Kenneth Charles Pickett has a restraining order against Andrea Luise Pickett. He's now threatened her and us with a knife. He said he's going to kill her, and he because the phone call was on, he'd taken

off again ran to the car. By the time he got to the car, my auntie and cousins have all just run back to the house. And he'd already been at the house and cut the brake lines of all the cars in the driveway and in the yard. So this has happened in one week, within days of each other, and the next day move locations again. So I went to my Aunie's brother's house in North Beach and I went to I was playing West Coast Fever at the time.

So that day I went to training. One of my teammates, I was becoming a detective, and I said to Mama, I said, I'll talk to Hell's I'll ask her what we can do. So when we're getting to training, we had we had a beat test, we had testing everything. I just remember it being such a solid session and running the beat test and doing court work and who was running next to it was so vivid. So I get home, it was late, it was maybe eleven o'clock. Mum was on the phone to Annie Andrea that night,

so she was talking. Sounded good. Ani Andrew's on speaker, like a walk in the door. Mum says, However, I was training, how'd you go with your testing? And Annie Andrew asking the same question, and I was like, I think you should come over. I kept pressing it because I had a shower and she's still on the phone, so that are you going to come over and just come and stay with us. You can sleep in my sleep in my bed. I'll sleep on the couch or whatever she does. No, no, no, it's okay. Uncle Dennis

is here, you know, Aunties and another uncle. So they were were surrounded by adults and people. So from a family perspective, we put in place what we thought would help. But from him, from the attacker, he was just so cunning and so patient, and everything was planned and premeditated. But because he was such a coward and gutless, he was so sly about it. Obviously we never saw what was coming. So Mama had got off the phone, probably about eleven forty pm, and I couldn't sleep in my room.

I was just something was just spinning in my head. And I remember getting out. All the lights were still on, and Mum and Dad were outside, and I went in laid in like there was a spare room with a single bed. It was just random full moon still night blinds were up, and it was just before Mum walked in the room. I sat up and I just remember looking outside and just feeling off. It was such a bizarre feeling. And I've always had these gut feelings when

things have happened, like significant things and Mum. As I looked back, Mum and opened the door, flowing of tears, and she said, Annie, Andrew's just being attacked. I was like, what do you mean, what do you mean? She's been attacked? She's been attacked, And her tears were saying what happened. Her mouth was saying what she wanted to feel like was happening. So I knew she was attacked, but she wanted to be the extent that she knew in her

gut for what she heard on the phone calls. So as soon as Mum left, I got them all up and we followed. So when we got there, there were four police cars and flagging off everything, and it was a hot summer's night. Mum especially tried to run through the barriers and the flagging because it was on the side of the road and we you know, we could see,

we could see everything. So he'd found out where we stayed by one of the older daughters, and one of the older daughters drove him to this house and there was an apartment block behind like my uncle's place. And when you stand in front of a fence and there's light shining from the back of the fence over to the house. When you look at that building, you can't you can see just shadow. So because he was standing on the inside of the fence in the shadow, in

all black, we couldn't see him. No one could see him. He'd jumped through the back window and it was stealth like. It was so quick. He'd got in and out stabbed the uncle that was in bed in the neck and in the chest. By then, this uncle had yelled out, he's here, he's here, and the three armies had run out the front, but he was already at the front.

And Andrew had her second youngest base in her arms, and he had already started attacking her or nicking her, so she dropped her and he'd kept committing the attack. So he had a machete and he knew what he wanted to do. There were a few hundred nicks, and then there were obviously stab wounds on top of that. But that was his one thing that he went there to do, and he did it. So yeah, one of the arnies witnessed it. You can't really defend against someone

like that because he was there to kill. He was there for no other reason. And if you were in the way, you were also a part of that, So that attack happened within ten minutes phone call shot to mum. He'd already jumped that back fence, and in the end we found out that he went and got dropped off where he was staying with his brother in a suburb across. So Bowga washed his clothes, put the knives on the lawn sink, had to shower, and just sat there and

watched TV like nothing happened. So we were pressing the police to find Canaya. We thought he had taken her, and that was the only reason why they were extra alarmed because it was a child. Now in this so Danny Andrews is now laying on the bitchumen on the road or the curb passed away, and now they're starting to look because cana is missing. Two hours later found her hiding inside behind the couch, drenched in sweat because

she's obviously in fear. She would have been three years old, witnessed this whole scenario and have Yeah, he's just in complete shock at this stage. There were helicopters and everything else, but couldn't find him. That actually literally couldn't locate him. He ended up driving with his family to the courthouse because he thought that our family were going to attack him before that. That was the only the police didn't

find him. The police didn't go and pick him up and or visit that place for the severity and the reports that an Andrea had made and that we had made as families, Yeah, they just not at any stage did they take it serious. And throughout the court findings, the yeah, it was pretty noticeable. And that goes for police, child support, refugees, everything.

all the same. You and I are the same, We can make the same decisions and same mistakes consistently but it doesn't mean we're the same and we're in the same circumstance or situation, or we can be in the same circumstance situation, but you can make a different decision and leave, but I can stay. And that was how they were treating it all the average and women just you just stay there, so it doesn't matter. But Annie Andrewa never left him, and the one time she did,

she made that decision and that was final. So when she left, she left, and when she put the restraining order on, that was held there and then it was revisited and then reissued. When you look at her case, there was no reason why she shouldn't shouldn't have been protected or believed or supported.

for nearly two and a half days. She didn't sleep, I didn't sleep. I followed her through the backyard and she's just gone and dropped on the grass, and I didn't know how to help her. So she's dropped to her knees and she's broke down and that. Yeah, I don't know if I could just walk past me and said I'll look after it. But yeah, I just remember this feeling so broken.

ag game. If we make the court, we might get one hundred dollars, If we play a whole game, might get one hundred and fifty. So it was you literally did it for the love of it, but the commitment was massive. So at one stage I was so overly

I would say committed, but I think selfish. I was going to sew so many of these training sessions morning and afternoon after school, and having two younger sisters, I lost that relationship with them, but without realizing, and when I say without realizing, at that time, I didn't care because of who I was at as a person and what I understood. So I wanted to play for Australia

and it was about me training and everything else. So It was probably literally until that night that I then appreciated that I had sisters and I was the oldest, and I saw the way that Mum was broken, and I could see the way it affected my nan and uncle Gary, so their brother, and I just didn't want that.

I didn't want that for us. I was twenty four, and it was literally the week later I just started making phone calls to my sisters and just trying to establish or rebuild a relationship as adults, because we knew each other as little kids. And I left like when I was sixteen, so middle sister was just a teenager and I didn't really live back home again. So that was probably the biggest life changing or the turning point in regards to valuing them and appreciating Mum and Dad

and time time with people. So I started to spend time with people who wanted to spend time with me. Annie Andrea asked Mum to take her seven babies, and that's exactly from her values loyalty and integrity, and she said she would, and she tried to do her absolute best. But when you go through an experience like that, and this is from the lens of a daughter who still

has her mum and still has her sisters. She was in her darkest world and trying to be present as an auntie and a mother figure while dealing with her. I would say deep depression at the time, because you can't not be depressed or heartbroken. And I believe in real heartbreak, as in a genuine heart tear, because she looked broken. There's no other way to describe it, and I've never seen someone like that.

My Nan was around when Mum hurt. She hurt and it was deep, but she didn't know how to cope with that or deal with it because talking or communicating or sharing feelings wasn't something that we were familiar with. So I understand the only reason I know how to communicate differently is because of sport.

everything else. So you go over for fourteen days and you're stuck in a place that you don't really need to be in because you just need to hug your mum and put your feet back in your country and just be grounded, just to rejuvenate or just to fill the battery back up. But it's just yeah, it's been challenging. Yeah, you'd say the same.

the following season. Then I started playing football and I just remember it was a wet weather game, jumped up, slipped, did my miniscus so and it was a bucket tear so, which means your little cushioning between your bottom of your leg and the top of your leg in your knee joint folded in half and it locked my knee. So that's called a bucket tear. It's just it stuck. So I needed surgery and stitching, which was season ending again.

And I did my next knee just before the AFLW season the year before it was due to be announced to start.

The arthritis was getting worse in my left knee and had my right one reconstructed, got delisted, came across the Carlton, managed to get my body okay, so I was at a good playing weight. My knee was at its worst. So I'd get home from training, I'd barely be able to walk out of the car. Some trainings, I'd barely be able to walk into training, and it was just excruciating. But mentally it impacted me because I knew what I

was capable of doing. Once physically, I think I played three games with them trying to get back in the team. I don't know if you know who Jess Edwards is, but she was one of our best athletes and running so fast, high speed running and everything else. Anyways, I grabbed her GPS and I put mine in hers, and she no, And I said, can you say, justin Kazitski story, I was running a was okay, and she was hitting tens with high speed running, whereas I was just kind

of pacing and timing everything. So it was obvious on data got through that session, four trainers would walk past me, walked straight to Jed's and said, are you okay? She was okay because I'd known that I'd swapped the GPS's and they're like, oh, yours must be broken, Caby, and I was like, oh, what the fun I'm like, Jesus Christ, you can't even just give me a break. Anyways, I didn't get another game from that, but I think that's

where I knew. I knew that I was. I was kind of done, but I didn't I didn't accept it mentally. It's I've played sport my entire life, and when I say, that's the only place that I felt like I belonged, and that was truly truly the case. So I think early on in our conversation, I didn't know. Sometimes I don't know where I belong or if I do belong, just in life in general, or if in people's lives

or where I sit with things. So it's taken me three years after trying to run around with Hawthorne in the freezing cold in Victoria trying to play VFL, I just couldn't do it. But mentally hurt or it felt like a breakup. It was just it was devastating and I didn't know how to cope with it. I stopped watching footy, I stopped being involved in football. I hated sitting around like w girls who would talk about football. But I didn't voice it, but I just hated it.

From a physical point of view. It wasn't my decision. And I think that's where a lot of athletes struggle when it's either season ending or career ending, which is not in your control. When you can control things, you can kind of mentally and emotionally prepare, and I just I wasn't prepared for it.

a stated depression. It was something that I've found really hard to accept. Your knee.

as you see in the nineties, football. You see, when a lot of our a black fellows start playing, they changed the way that we played football, which means the game plans have to change. Your coaching has to be challenged because you've got to also canterrac that. So then the game kind of shifts in a skillful manner. That's what we want for AFOW Our girls bring that spark, which then changes the way we play, which changes the way girls think, which helps growth.

certain wave. Yeah, because there has been times, probably the first time that I've spoken about it and felt those emotions and feel that coming up. Does that make sense?