Jess Jonassen - Ordineroli Speaking

Ordinarily Speaking, I internalize my own personal identity struggles, but now I'm speaking out to try and help others to make sure they don't do.

The same.

Time.

Hello and welcome to this episode of Ordinarily Speaking. Jess Jonason has been a part of the Australian cricket set up for a decade, playing in all forms of the game. Her success on the field is testament to her resilience off it. Battles with depression and self identity led Jess down a path where she's self harmed and abused alcohol. All the while, Jess was also coming to terms with her father's declining health. Jess shares her story publicly for

Out for the Ladybug Socks. I hope you enjoyed the chat.

Well, I'm going to preface this chat by saying we're both wearing masks because you're getting ready for a World Cup and we're at the Junction Oval in Victoria, and there's a little bit of you know, preparations going on for the last of the Ashes, So there's a bit of noise happening at the moment, So bear with us if you hear the sounds of summer trucks, crickets, parrots, rollers, those sorts of things. But Jess, thanks so much for spending some time with us.

Thanks for having me.

Yeah, it's a bit of chaos here, hopefully organized chaos, though we.

Like a bit of organized chaos. You want to share your story today, including some really personal things that you haven't shared publicly before. I want to start by asking why do you want to share your story?

Yeah?

I think for me it's always been about trying to help at least one person, because I know with some of the things that I've sort of gone through or experienced that it felt quite lonely at times that so, yeah, sometimes it's nice to know that like, even though we're an athlete or whatever, that was still human as well and still go through all the same sort of stuff.

And he's off, Oh, he's going to star in this podcast episode. I have a feeling. So it is it about not feeling alone, I guess and the way that you did.

Yeah, yeah, it is, and that there is help out there.

There are other people out there that sort of experienced similar things. So yeah, to sort of never feel like you're the only one going through something.

Going back to when you were a little girl, you had some inner struggles, tell me a little bit about that.

Yeah, well, I guess being a girl growing up in country Queensland, up in Rockampton and with my sport in cricket that it's such a male dominant sort of arena as well. So being a young girl, yeah, sort of the access of playing cricket with or against girls was just non existent. Just to play cricket alone, my parents actually had to go and get I guess permission from Catholic Education Queensland because I was at a Catholic school.

Skirt out there to play.

So yeah, it was just looking back now, it's just little comments like that just make me shake my head.

How did that make you feel at the time.

At the time, because I was quite young, I just I was like, oh, great, they're gonna let me play.

That's all I really cared about.

I just wanted to participate, I guess, in a sport that I enjoyed and I loved and I happened to be good at. I didn't care whether I was the only one of my kind. I guess you could say I was lucky. I had some really good support around me, not only from my parents, from my family, but then I had a local club coach up there, Scott Deith who he was my only ever cricket coach up in Rocky and he still follows my career closely now. So he was a massive part of getting me and keeping me in the game.

I feel like every episode I do of this, there's always somebody like that that had you back at the beginning.

Yeah.

I mean, he still to this day underestimates the importance that he's had on my career. But yeah, every time I would go back home, he's like, oh, you bring in your kit, do you want to throw, do you want to have a bad or whatever.

So that's pretty cool even now.

So the Catholic upbringing, how else did it impact you?

Yeah?

Obviously, Yeah, when I was sort of much older, around seventeen eighteen, so I had some elements of I guess self discovery and figuring out my sexuality as well. So that was a big one for me that he Obviously, growing up in the country, traditional values, Catholic school, the

It was now, so that's a long time ago.

So yeah, Sarah, she's her and her family were very good to me, particularly because when I as soon as I finished school in twenty ten, I moved down to Brisbane, so I was away from my entire family.

It was just me.

So yeah, meeting her a few years later really really almost saved me in a way.

When you say self discovery and thinking about your own identity, what sort of thoughts were you having at the time as far as how you were feeling about yourself.

I guess it was a bit of confusion in a way that I knew sort of that I liked women or how I felt there, but at the same time there was struggles sort of within my family around acceptance of it. So then I sort of felt, well, I guess, is this the wrong thing? Like am I doing the wrong thing by my family or whatever? But then at the same time I was like, well, I don't want to sacrifice my happiness just to make somebody else feel

That must be incredibly tough because you're close with your family, yeah, love them, So how do you reconcile with that?

Well, I was sort of just thinking, well, it's just time, like always being told time will heal most things. So, and I mean one of my sisters, Laura, I'm probably the closest with her out of my two sisters, and I sort of told her that I was like, I'm gay, and she was so supportive of me, and she's like, well, yeah, duh, Like it's almost like she just knew. And then that's the thing that like, I was such a tomboy growing up.

So I just thought, well, you, beauty, this is great.

Like I can sort of escape it in a way that I'm not big on conflict, so I just sort of just put it on the back burner and I was like, well, they can deal with it because I've come to terms with this is who I am and I'm happy. Yeah, it was sort of it just one of those things that.

I was really firm in the belief as to who I was with that part of my life.

Do you remember your parents' first reaction.

Yeah.

I remember having some long conversations on the phone with Mom at different times, like a few arguments I think there was one time that she was like, I love you, but so there was always that one and like it did hurt a little bit because I was sort of like, well, I don't want to lose my family over this, but at the same time, like they need to accept it.

If you love me, then this is like you love me.

I think she was just worried that I'd be just labeled as Jess Jonason, the lesbian cricketer.

But I remember telling her that some.

Of the most successful female cricketers just happen to be gay, Like they're not known as this person like oh, Alex Blackwell the gay Captain of Australia or whatever, like, it's just that's just part of who they are.

Yeah, and feeling safe in that environment is a great thing.

Yeah, exactly, And that's probably one of the biggest things that it's like the obviously there's the stereotype that female so many female athletes are gay or lesbian or biosexual or whatever, but it's probably just comes across that way because it's an environment where people feel safe to fully express themselves and be genuine and be exactly who they are.

Are there any moments he's off again, caep it down, mate, Come on, Are there any moments that stand out to you that you really felt like you had to hide?

Like I'm generally a relatively private person anyway, so I never really sort of felt like I had to hide in a way. There was probably just parts of my life that I just chose not to share with people. From that, I probably then started to believe that I was only a certain type of person in the sense that well, when I was just a cricketer and that's all the conversations with people.

Around me revolved around.

Yeah, sort of in the outside world, it was sort of it wasn't really something that I guess for a long time was deemed marketable in a way, so I just kept it to myself.

God, that's a tough thing to say, isn't it.

Yeah, Like, and I mean like I get it to an extent, but at the same time, it's sort of, well, there's so many different types of people in the world that why you sort of only wanting to try and appeal to a certain type or certain audience.

Yeah, it's sort of.

That was quite challenging at a time that I was like, well, who I am isn't Sometimes it feels like who I am isn't good enough, or isn't something that or someone that you can put out there to be like, Hey, we're proud of who this person is, Like, if you

Now Australian cricket. Speaking as honestly as this, when you're a little girl, I would imagine that would have meant a lot to you. When you think about the little girl that you were, what do you wish you could say to her?

Yeah, well, it's funny you say that, because I did sort of have somebody like that who I've never actually told her that she had this impact on me, to be fair, but it was Alex Blackwell. I remember being on a tour and it was back in the time when we had roommates and stuff, and she was somebody that you could just have an open, honest and genuine

That I need to do more of it. So I guess for me.

That if I had something like that even a few years earlier, that I would have felt so much more comfortable with sharing myself with everyone, like around like with the world that I was like, well, no, this is who I am. I'm proud of who I am. And I guess that's the point where I'm at now that I was never ashamed of it.

I was never I never felt like.

I was not being true, but it was sort of just, Yeah, when you have people in I guess the organization you're a part of that make you feel never intended to, but make you feel like you're not as worthy as somebody who in a I guess a heterosexual relationship, it's like you just keep trying to put it down, put

What a powerful gift that Alex gave you and that you're going to give to other people, There's no doubt about it. You spoke earlier about the self harm aspect. How did that come about for you?

Yeah, well that for me was probably it was more so.

To try and feel something different than what I was sometimes just actually to feel something at all. That I went through a few phases of some depression, But then that aspect of it was something that I never really even shared with some psychologists at the time, so that was still something I was trying to battle with internally.

That because obviously the perception of it.

Being bad or that you're self harmed to try and suicide sort of thing, but it wasn't at that point, and it wasn't for those reasons. And also the thing that it's like, well, being a teenager, have some typical teenage I guess phrases or things that people throw around is that you're just doing it for attention, which.

Was never the case.

I'm never somebody I never want to be a center of attention for anything.

So I was like, well, why would I do it for that reason?

And I guess for me, I knew that's not why I was doing it that yeah, and it was sort of it was never major things, but it was.

Like maybe sometimes I'd have.

Like a little knife from the kitchen or whatever, if I was on tour on my own in a spot that only I'm going to see it when I'm in the shower sort of thing, and always doing it in places that I know are always covered up other than like if my partner was there or would see or whatever.

So was it a pressure release?

Is that?

Yeah? Probably in a way.

Stuff was like built up in me and I was like, well, I needed to do something. And if it wasn't that, then I was craving a drink every day and I'm not a big drinker, but I'd wake up in the morning I was like, I just want to have a drink, And I mean there was something when I wouldn't because I knew I couldn't. So then that was the next best option that I saw at the time, And like I'd never it would never get to the point where

To cope numb of the pain.

Yeah.

Yeah, Like it's crazy to be like thinking about it again now that it's like I was in that that period of my life where I just that's literally all I could think of and it's the only way I thought I could cope.

How is it talking about it and thinking, like really thinking about it. It's very confronting, and it makes me realize how much I actually do keep to myself that it's HiT's something that my partner and I have spoken about a bit in the sense that I've asked her to open up to me a bit more. And then on the same foot, I'm not actually doing that myself, or as much as.

I thought I was.

Yeah, the fact, like very early on, like I said that I kept things like that from her, but I ended up telling her like a number of years ago.

Timing is not my strong point.

Because I'd had a few drinks and it was Christmas day, and I've thought it was the right time to tell her, Hey, this is what I've done, and yeah, like it wasn't great for her, like she felt like she had failed me in a way that I didn't feel comfortable enough to tell her before I got to that point that try and get let her help me. And I never wanted to burden anybody. That was my thing, and that was something that my dad was always strong on that

Battles, I'll deal with it myself, which.

In hindsight and now is that I've learned is not the way to go about it. That there's people around you that love you and want to support you that sometimes you don't know how they can help or how you can help yourself, which is off and the hardest part that it's like, well, what do you.

Need from me?

And my response quite often was I don't know, and it's okay to not know, but it's just sometimes knowing that that person is there is enough.

I guess it wasn't necessarily like a pride.

Thing that I didn't want to tell people that this is what was going on. Like I was always self aware, but a lot of the time, yeah, I just never actually knew the right way to deal with it or cope with it.

It's a confronting thing.

Say, it's very confronting.

When was it at its worst for you.

In terms of this self harm stuff in itself was probably a number of years ago now, which I'm proud of that I've sort of overcome that part of it. But then, yeah, probably as recently as twenty eighteen was a very tough year for me as well, in the sense that in and around sort of cricket related stuff that well, I'd had a really solid preseason.

I'd worked exceptionally hard, and I was.

In the form and the physical peak of my career, and I was feeling really good, and we were preparing for a T twenty World Cup in the West Indies. And then a couple of weeks or just under a month before we went away, we had a training camp and just chasing after a ball as I normally would, and felt something going my knee and I couldn't put any weight on it at all. And with me, I have a pretty sketchy history of knee issues.

So yeah, I ended up getting a scan.

And how many of you done, I've had four, so I've had two on each leg now, so.

You're fair share.

Yeah.

Yeah that was hard in itself, like I've had my history of injuries throughout and but yeah, for this, the fact that I'd worked so hard I was in the position that I was, and then I broke down just before a major tournament, and I mean I managed to work hard to get on the plane to go to that series and didn't end up playing a single game,

And so how did it manifest itself on that tour?

Yeah, well, it.

Got to the point where there's actually another player and I we both didn't play a single game and we ended up probably surviving that tour on rum and dry hum or, drinking pina coladas on the beach. That there was often that I'd say, oh, yeah, it's a virgin pina colada, but knowing full well it wasn't. Yeah, it was like, oh, well, like we're just here pretty much to make up the numbers.

Like that's sort of just how it felt.

I sort of lost my identity in a way, I guess you could say that so often I was known as Jess Johnason, the cricketer, and when I wasn't out in the field, I wasn't performing, I didn't have anything really to talk to people about in terms of performances or whatever, because I was like, well, I didn't have any part to play, So if I'm not playing cricket, then who the hell am I? Particularly when you're in a bubble right or you're on or to, everything just amplifies.

Was part of it that if you're not the cricketer, then who am I? And then I have to deal with the real stuff as well, the stuff that you sort of had spoken about earlier.

Yeah, it's just well there was so much extra space to think or overthink or yeah, like you said, like have to deal with or have to confront that. Cricket was almost the distraction away from all of that stuff. Even if I was performing badly or whatnot. It's just I still loved being out on the field.

And there was something to focus on it.

Yeah, there was something to actually put my energy or my attention into. But when I didn't have that, I was like well, I didn't want to do anything. There was a lot of tears, there was a lot of sort of disengaging. Yeah, I just didn't feel comfortable sort of around the group because like I was feeling so

But then I was feeling like that that.

I was just I just thought the best option was to just stay in my room and not really come out, because at times when I did, I felt like I had to put on a front, and that in itself, when I was feeling so low and not much energy, I didn't have much else to give. So I'd get back to my room and I'd just be completely exhausted.

In hindsight, do you think you would depressed?

Yeah, without a doubt.

Yeah, And I guess for me, like, I was just so fortunate that we had our team psych that traveled away with us that he almost forced me to have conversations with him early on because he could see it.

He'd seen me.

I'd been speaking with him probably a year or two prior to that, and he noticed the change in me, He noticed the difference. Yeah, the fact that he forced me a few times to do it was probably something that yeah, I thank him for now.

Saved Yeah, definitely saved me because I would have been, like, there's a time where.

I was I was looking up flights out of try and get myself out of there.

Do the girls know now what you went through then?

Not to that extent?

No, how do you think they're going to feel when they listen to this?

Probably wish that I spoke up to some extent, Like I don't know, it's always a hard one. Like our group is so supportive, which is why me not sort of sharing much of this at the time.

Yeah, I don't know.

It seems a little bit hypocritical in a way that it's cycle. We say, yeah, if you're struggling, like speak up and whatnot, but it's like the physical act of doing that is actually really challenging. And I think for me it was never like, oh, I don't want to speak up because I'm afraid that I might not get selected because they see me as mentally fragile or whatever that I'm not mentally tough. But yeah, it's sort of it just goes to show that, like, people only see

How did you get through it?

Well, it was a lot of thanks to Pete Peter Clark, our team's site. I probably caught up with him every few days at one point on that trip, and we actually did a few workshops when I got to the point where I could actually speak when I was with him that there were times at the start where I caught up with him and he asked me how I was going.

I literally just cried.

I couldn't I couldn't actually put a sentence together because there was just all this built up emotion because I'd just been on my own in my room. I'd shut myself off. So with him actually asking me how I was,

So who are you?

Well, I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a partner, I've completed a law degree, I've completed multiple sort of uni degrees and grad certificates, like I'm a dog.

Mum as well.

Like so, yeah, there's so many, so many different aspects to me that, yeah, more than just cricket.

How are you doing now? Is your mental health something that you need to check in on daily or how in your words are you doing now?

Yeah?

Well, it's something that is an ongoing I wouldn't say battle, but it's an ongoing thing that I need to continuously check in on.

I journal a little bit.

I used to do it quite regularly when I was sort of at my worst, and then there was times when I just I completely stopped because I felt like I was fine and I was tracking really well. But then yeah, it's sort of it's something that I know helps me, so I try and keep on top of. Whenever I've got long tours, particularly when I'm away from home, is probably when.

It's some of its hardest.

Particularly in the current climate with COVID that we're in. We have heavy protocols that we're not allowed out too much.

We have to sit in standard masks on apart going through.

Yeah, so it's like there's so many extra things that sort of make you have to be I guess internal with a lot of things. So it's so, yeah, journaling for me is something that's actually really helped me, and then actually just making the conscious effort there when somebody asked me how I am, particularly somebody that's important to me, that I tell them the honest answer, and quite often some ways that I phrase it is sort of if somebody asked me I was like, I'm not, like, are you okay?

I was like, not really, but I will be.

Then if they want to sort of know more help more than I was like, then I say it. But something my partner actually says to me, She's like, I'm sick of having to wait to prompt you. But for me, it's like that's just how I've always coped that. It's like I've always been internal and trying to deal with

When you speak of the journaling when it was at its worst, what was some of the things that you were saying to yourself.

There was times when I said I was worthless or that I felt worthless anyway, that is cricket for me, Are you doing the right thing? I really don't want to be here, And by here, it wasn't I don't want to be here on the earth, it was I don't want to be here in this situation. Like when I was going through knee issues as well, it was like, well,

I was like, well, prove it so many things.

Yeah, are you better now with that sort of sof talk or do you still have your moments as well?

Oh? I think like most humans, you still have your moments.

But I think I'm much better at catching myself now and redirecting thoughts, because that was another big thing for me that it was why I was feeling like I had no energy for so long, was because I was constantly fighting certain thoughts or emotions as opposed to just accepting that they were there and trying to redirect to something more positive. It's sort of just because I felt a certain way didn't mean I had to act a certain way, And that was a big thing for me.

I've got it out.

Whether I believed what I was writing or not was irrelevant at different points. It's just that was the outlet that was the positive outlet.

That makes a lot of sense. Tell me about the photos that you take on to her now.

Yes, I've printed some photos of both ones. Of like my family, my dog ALFI ones with my partner and I put them on the wall in whatever hotel room I'm in. There's probably only a handful of maybe eight or so, but they're a constant reminder for me of things that I have outside of cricket, or things that I have that are at home that aren't physically with.

Me in that moment.

And I only have one specific sort of cricket related one, which isn't really cricket related, but it was after we won the T twenty final in Melbourne when we were all dancing on.

Stage with Katie Perry.

So that's the only sort of cricket related one I guess I have, but it's still something that reminds me of all the amazing things that I've sort of experienced or doesn't matter what the lows I had, that this is how I came through the other side.

That was a pretty cool moment.

It was amazing.

I did remember actually saying to my partner because she was down there with my family as well, and I said to her when we came into the change rooms after, I was like, I'm sorry, babe, but I don't think our wedding day is going to top this, and I mean, I think I jinxed it because we've postponed twice now that we're still waiting.

Waiting for Katy Perry to come see exactly.

She's not sing at the wedding now. She laughed and she's like, yeah, that's fair.

I videoed you girls on stage that night and so doing the worm and things like that, and I think that video has got more views than anything I've ever done as a journalist.

We were like little school girls.

It was.

It was so bizarre that you had all these mid twenties year old girls and we just behave like we were five year olds again. It was so good and yeah, it's a memory that will live with me forever.

You're listening to ordinarily speaking with Jess Jonathon In. Amongst everything that you've already spoken about before, that West Indies tour was also the time that you were coming to grips with your dad's diagnosis. Tell me a little bit about that and how you found out about that.

Yeah, a number of years ago Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and we were all very shocked by it because sort of he was a non smoker. He was a fit, healthy guy. There was no sort of precursor as to why he should have got that diagnosis, and he'd actually had this prior to him going and getting checked out. He'd had this sort of persistent little cough for like months and months. It was so annoying that we were like, seriously, go to the doctor and go

Probably like a typical middle aged country mail that it's like, nah, she'll be right.

We can both say that because we both come.

From the countruly, so yeah, it's sort of It took him a long time before he got checked out, whether it was the matter that he was scared of what it might have been, or whether it was what he was telling us that nah, she'll be right sort of thing. I'll do all this other stuff to get it fixed, but none of it was working. So We're in the middle of one of our WBBL seasons and I remember getting a message from Mum being like oh, can we FaceTime? You make sure Sarah's their sort of thing as well.

To what was he like as a bloke?

He was He was a bit of a hard ass in a way.

I think for him, like with his upbringing and how he was brought up, how he was made a lot of sense that he was made to work for every little thing that he got. He loved us, and we all knew that how much he loved us, But he was never the most affectionate per and I think at times like he sort of he sent messages or wrote letters sort of like closer to sort of when he passed it, it was almost like he regretted not giving us more hugs or telling us how much he loved us.

I just knew.

So it's like he would constantly when I was first playing cricket. We would go down to the local nets for like on three hours. I would bat for probably an hour of that. At the start, he would bowl every type of delivery, and then he would bat so I could bowl, and then he'd bowl again. And not once did he complain about that. He loved it, probably more than I did at different times, and he would get up early and take me to the gym. He

Was a biggest fan and critic as a.

Without a doubt.

I've actually I've described him as that exactly.

That he was.

Always, yeah, my biggest supporter, but my fiercest critic. Some of the messages I would get after games, it was so funny that, even to the point now my mum tries to send some that is like this is your father speaking ahh. But I think when he passed that was one thing I probably had missed the most, was the messages postgame analyzing either the game or my performance. It's those little things that, yeah, I miss all the time.

Leaves a hole.

It's a massive hole, like I always feel like they'll be there, will always be a part of me that will feel broken because he's not around.

What do you do now to make sure that you remember him each game.

Every time I step out on the cricket field, I wear a pair of ladybug socks because for some reason, he loved ladybugs and whenever he wrote messages, he would always put a mountain of emojis in there, and a lot of them never made any sense as to what he'd just said.

He just he showed his emotions exactly.

But it's like some of the stuff he put in there was so bizarre, but without fail, there was always a ladybug in there. So one of my sisters actually bought all of us a pair of ladybug socks.

To remember him by.

But yeah, she gave me her pair because she's like, I know that you wear these every time, so here's another pair so that you don't wear this one out. And it's a little nod to him when I'm out in the field that he's always out there with me. And whenever we play a night game as well. One thing we said to my young niece and nephew was that if you ever miss data, like he's the brightest star up in the sky, and whenever we play a night game, I always look up to try and find

Yeah, to feel and know that he's there still watching. That's beautiful.

Banging away and now the parrots are going as well. They love to share a moment in hindsight, How amazing is it that he got to be there at that twenty twenty mcg and watch his little girl, you know, this big tough country dude watch his little girl in front of a packed mcg living air dream. How special was that?

It was probably one of my greatest highlights, I think, knowing that that was his last live game of cricket, that he watched me play. Yeah, and that's actually one of the photo I also have up on my wall, so I lied, there are two cricket related ones, but still has my family in it.

That.

Yeah, how happy and how much pride he had. Yeah, it's so special that he was there and he got to experience it with the rest of the family as well, and my little niece and nephew. There's a photo of them holding the trophy at one point as well.

And what did he say to you when you walked off the field that day.

He gave me a hug and he just said he's so proud of me.

It was so crazy that, like, I'd never had so many people, or never been in a change room with so many people, but all I wanted to do was just to send with them and share that moment with them. So we were quite happy just sitting off in the corner of the change room while everyone else was mingling and all and around, like I just wanted to share that with them.

That's pretty cool. The day that he passed, what do you remember from that day?

Well, sort of the few months leading up to it, I was sort of going either flying up or or driving up and back so to try and spend whatever time I could that he had left. But that day specifically, I remember I woke up to my partner sort of over me, sort of shaking me to wake.

Up, and I was like, what's going on? And she'd just come back from the gym.

I'd had a miscall from my mum, but so mum had been called Sarah and she said, oh, you need to call your mom and I was like, okay, like why and then I rang mum and she said, look, Dad's taken a turn overnight. We're not sure how much longer he sort of has left, And I said, right, well, we'll be on the road in an hour, because at that time, like we couldn't put Alfie into kennels or anything. We couldn't get like a flight. Sort of last minute

How far away are you?

And I remember we pulled into the hospital car park, but then my two sisters and mum were out there waiting and I went to get out and they said stay seated, and I was like why and they said, oh, Dad's gone. He's passed away about half an hour ago. So yeah, to know that he knew that we were coming, I think that was something.

That I sort of took.

Like the fact that I didn't make it on time, but the fact that he knew we were on our way, that we were trying to get to him.

Yeah, I can sort of live with that.

But my sister said he also probably knew that because I'd said to my sister that I don't know if I can be in the room when he passes, because I don't know how I would.

Survive.

And my sister said to me that Dad must have known, because he must have known that I didn't want to be in the room, or that I couldn't have been in the room.

So he saved me from that.

And I mean, the man's timing was impeccable in the sense that that day was it would have been his fortieth and through being in the workforce, it would have been the same day that of his mum's birthday. It was also the time he passed was at three forty five. And when he was a teacher, he always did afternoon bus Judy, and that was always when they knocked off, so he clocked off for one more time.

That's really beautiful, You're right, yeah, it's just.

Miss him every day.

He'd be so bloody proud of you. You know that, right?

Oh yeah, all right, I need to go now.

Oh dear, So you remember him with the ladybugs. What would it mean to win a World Cup wearing those ladybug socks?

I think it would mean the absolute world, not just for me, but for the rest of our family as well. I think, knowing obviously that the last game that he saw of me live was a World Cup final, to have him experience it in that way, it would be super special.

Just watching on from he'd just be kicking back.

He probably would have got all the non cricket watchers up there tuning in.

Knowing him, although he was a very nervous watcher. So I'm not sure.

Back in the day before it was cricket on TV and it was just the written ball by ball commentary, the poor man couldn't even sit still. He'd be pacing through the house. And yeah, Mum would say he was a pain to watch with. He would always commentate. He would always do this. She's like, just watch it ray. So yeah, I'm not sure how he'd be going upstairs.

Before I let you go, I want to ask you. You've mentioned her throughout this entire chart, but your partner, Sarah, your du to get married at some point when this damn pandemic allows it. What does she meant to you given everything that you've just spoken about, Because she's been there to figuratively and literally hold your hand throughout the whole ordeal.

She's my rock, my savior in a lot of ways. And look, I probably don't tell her enough.

How much.

She's done for me and how much she means to me. Yeah, more than anyone she's She's been there through it all and quite often as well, when like she's had to hold the ford at home while I've been on the road living a dream basically like, yeah, I've had my struggles and my challenges, but knowing that she's always there on the other end makes it all worth it.

Well, now she has it on the record, she.

Does, and then I guarantee when I retire, she'd be like, can you come out of retirement already?

Can you go back and play? Seeing too much of you now?

Yeah?

Yeah. When I was injured and missed a recent series, she's.

Like, when are you going again?

Which is exactly what my mum said to my dad a few times. So it's like, well, great, this is awesome.

We've built a life together and we're building a house. Now, we've got our dog, we're going to get another one. So it's like we've got our our life set up and I can't wait to when my time comes put up the boots in the cricket field that I can't wait to spend more time with her.

Are you going to have lady bugs at the wedding?

Probably?

Yeah, there'll be a nod in some capacity, that's for sure.

Jess. Thanks so much for everything you've shared, for being as honest and as open as you have, and for all the highlights that you've provided all lust cricket fans for so many years. And I'm sure there's still plenty more to come. I know you're going to help a lot of people with what you've shared today by being as open. So thank you very much for doing it with me.

No, thanks for chatting with me, Thanks for giving me the opportunity.

Time, Thanks for listening to this episode of ordinarily speaking, This episode is released almost two years to the day since that magical afternoon at the MCG. The memory still gives me goosebumps. What it meant to women in Australia and all around the world, and as we now know, one of the last major sporting events before the world changed. Make sure you support the girls at this World Cup in New Zealand. They're helping to change the world for every sports loving little girl.