Ep. 1: Like Real People Do ch. 1

Full stop. Before we continue on, this podcast is made for adults by adults and is strictly eighteen plus. The following episode includes sexually explicit content that will be acted out in common. And you may not be ready to hear your favorite one piece characters in such sticky situations, so I suggest you skip this one for now. Come back and hang with us when you grow up. And now on to the show.

Yeah.

It's time for one piece of trash.

팜 팜 팜 팜 팜 Субтитры сделал DimaTorzok

All right, so a little bit about this project. The actors that I'm working with today have all elected to not read the script beforehand, so this will be a new experience for all of us involved, except me, who um chose this work. The work is coming to us today from AO three, as most of them will.

Hello, my name is Paul and I'll be playing uh Zoro. And I do not believe Pineapple.

As the Lord intended, Mr.

Exactly.

Bye-bye.

Hello, I will be going by Apollo. Uh I am playing Usopp. He him pronouns. Pineapple definitely belongs on pizza. And if you understand the complexities of sweet and pizza

Salty. I'm Momo Shive. I'll be playing Nami. And I definitely believe pineapple goes on pizza as long as it's contrasted with like a jalapeno, something spicy, to throw off the sweetness.

I'll look at you as I please.

Pray.

Hi, I'm Adri. Um he him. I'll be playing Luffy. I fucking love pineapple on pizza.

You would.

Pronouns.

Oh he him.

So excited about that.

Hi, my name is Alex. Uh he him be playing Sanji and while it's not my personal preference, I don't mind when other people eat it, so

Aren't you in a pineapple ally?

Well, I...

I'm a pilot. I have a pineapple moderate, I guess.

Everybody like Oops.

Did I give my pronouns? Sorry. Paul he there.

There we go. All right. And my name is Jazzy and I am going to be the captain of this ship and the narrator and I'll throw in a voice or two sometimes, but mostly just the narrator. Um all right. Let's get into the tags. Zorro and Usopp. Zorro slash Usop. We have Zorro slash Usopp slash Vin Smoke Sanji. And Robinorazoro slash Vin Smoke Sanji. And I will say, as um some foreshadowing, that is so misleading.

Ha ha ha.

Oh now I'm curious.

Additional tags. We have Gay Roan Noah Zoro. Pusop is a secret dom. This is my favorite. Vince Mokes Sanji's bisexual freakout. Yes. Yes. Alex, who's playing Sanji, knows nothing about that. Nothing at all. Uh D S D slash S, as in Dom Sub, we have the Mary is a small ship, loud sex. Jealous Vince Moke Sanji. Bottom row and a Zoro. Mm-hmm. Domestic fluff. And monkey D Luffy needs a hug. Oh

Is that because of the loud sex?

Why am I the most concerned about the Mary as a small ship?

The mayor uses a small ship and shi ship happens.

Yeah.

I'm all for a versus Zoro.

Yeah, right.

But but sub bottom zoro?

Yep.

That's my headcanon.

I feel like there's no other way. Yes.

Agreed.

I really feel like there's no other Zora. Zoro is a bottom.

I'm gonna need to dig deep.

So did he.

So did he

And let's read the summary. Usopp discovers he has some hidden desires and secret talents. A game of truth or dare on a cold night turns into something else for z for Usopp, Zoro, and Sanji. Nami doesn't know what to do with this information, and Luffy just wants some earplugs. The notes say it's written for Miss All Sunday on Tumblr. Hope you enjoy this beast.

I'm curious about the Usopp plot line because he's not in featured heavily in a lot of the queer relationships I read in fanfics.

Really? I read a lot of Usopp centered work. Usabin Law O

I'm eager now.

Usopp and Nami and like a friends of benefit.

Yes. See that I see. Love that.

I'm worried about Luffy's innocence.

Ha ha ha.

Luffy needs a hug, being one of the tags. And the last tag Um I just feel bad already.

It's small shit. Luffy needs a hug and loud sex all really make sense when they came together.

I just want to apologize for whatever is about to come out of my mouth ahead of time.

I'm just excited. I I don't know what to do. Uh this is just we're going into it.

All right, Cast. Everybody ready? And without further edging, I give you, like real people do, by Phantom Trash Gremlin, read by Jazzy and the Devil Fruit Players. We're workshopping the name. Um chat let us know what you want the name to be. And go.

Truth or death!

Too late, really, and the five of them are camped out in the crew bunk because it's mid September and the middle of the ocean is freaking cold at night. Also, they're running low on propane, and to make sure they have enough to prepare food until they make it to the to the next island, they've all agreed to keep the boiler turned off unless for emergency. It surprisingly changed very little besides the sleeping arrangements, and Nami couldn't have a hot soak in the tub every day.

Okay, Luffy, truth or dare.

Dare.

Usopp rolled his eyes.

Big surprise.

Nami snorted.

Okay. I dare you to put your fist in your mouth.

Oh that's easy.

He popped his fist right in and then left his head. He popped his fist right in.

That his left hand

He popped his fist right in and Then his there we go. He popped his right fist in, then his left. Then why didn't y'all say anything? You just let me be.

You were

I couldn't figure it out.

I make it I make it a choice of not correct what I'm saying.

He's a stretchy guy.

He popped his right fist in, then his left, and wagged his tongue out between them.

Saul is sir.

Yeah, yeah. I've never actually done this before.

She waved a hand at him dismissively.

Okay, your turn.

Luffy made an awful slurping sound and pulled his fists out, wiped and dry on the pillow.

Okay. What do I do?

You pick someone, then ask them truth or dare.

Nami reminded him gently that he

Okay.

He pointed to Usop.

Usopp, I dare you to put your fist in my mouth.

Ew.

Not how it works. Try again.

Fine. Uh Usopp, truth or dare?

Truth.

Okay, tell me the truth. Why will you put your fist in my mouth?

Nami smacked him in the face.

Nobody wants to put their hands anywhere near your mouth.

This is hard.

He rubbed his cheek and pouted, trying to

Try again.

Nami settled back down, plumping her pillow under her chin.

Fine. Usopp, tell me the truth.

The sea lapped against the Mary's hull, and the

Uh

Uh about what?

Luffy leaned over and whispered in Nami's direction.

What do I do? Yes.

You ask him a question you've always wanted to know the answer to about him, not something not about something random, and he can't lie because if he does, he has to pay the penalty.

What penalty?

She rolled her eyes.

I don't know.

Yeah.

He has to take off an article of clothes.

Oh, strip truth or dare, I like this.

Sanji rolled into a sitting position and wrapped his blankets around himself.

Uh do blankets count?

Zoro muttered, already half asleep.

I didn't mean that forget I said it.

Nami hid her face in her pillow.

Penalties are you have to pay ten dairy. Nope.

Stroop trither dare it is.

Luffy bounced excitedly.

Okay, Usopp, do you like being on the sea with us?

Usopp visibly relaxed.

Okay, next.

I don't think you understand the purpose of this game.

Sanji said, eyes narrowed. No.

You're supposed to ask a probing intimate or embarrassing questions or dare one another to perform lewd acts.

I will ban you from playing.

Nami bunched up a napkin and flicked it at him.

No loot axe, no taking off clothes.

뭐? 왜?

Deep or embarrassing questions are okay, but don't be gross, got it.

Well that's half the fun gone.

Sanji picked at the toe of his sock. Usopp shook his head.

Okay. Zorro, truth or dare.

Zoro propped his head tiredly on his fist.

Uh truth.

Uh you're all so boring.

Sanji muttered and stuffed a piece of mochi into his mouth. Usopp propped his chin on both hands, feet wagging in the air behind him. That's so cute.

What?

Back on my island before things went down, when the four of us went in Kaya's kitchen. What did you mean when you said you were the wrong guy to ask about girls? You're like strong and handsome. Girls have gotta love you.

Yeah.

Doro yawned.

Mm.

Well he scratched his nose.

I'm gay, so

Sanji choked on his mochi.

What?

Even Nami sat up, mouth hanging open in shock.

You're gay?

Zoro shrugged.

Yeah. So is that a problem?

No, I just It makes a lot of sense actually.

See? That's what I'm saying.

It makes the most

He kinda says it exactly how I would actually tell someone I'd game.

I'm gay.

Yeah.

Oh oh uh cast, um who who's gay? Who's here? Who here is actually?

I'm body and and gay, whatever.

By pan and day.

I'm a I'm a slut, so

I'm a pansexual lesbian, so

There you go.

Yeah. I guess it just depends on uh how much tequila I've drank.

Damn.

Na na na na na na na na I'm a bisexual.

Oh I identified a slut too with Alex.

Yeah.

We're sluts together.

Right.

Oh camaraderie.

Yeah.

Caught her on it. Yeah. Wow. Um we're all adults by the way. Yes. We are grown people.

I don't have the maturity, but

So go back to Zoro's line where he says is that a problem?

Yeah so is that a problem?

No, I just It makes a lot of sense, actually.

Nami settled back down, hugging her pillow.

When did you know?

I guess I've never not known. I mean I've never found women attractive. Why are you all looking at it?

His cheeks had gone a little pink.

Does that mean you like men?

Oh, Luffy had a finger in his nose. Zoro snorted.

It means I like men.

Me too.

Luffy smiled. Nami cleared her throat and put a hand on Luffy's shoulder.

No, Luffy, he means sexually he's sexually attracted to men.

Oh like my grandpa said.

Spoiler alert. Garg! Garg! K Garp is canon.

Yeah.

He stuffed a handful of mochi into his mouth, let it pooch on his cheeks like a squirrel.

Your grandpa?

Zoro muttered, eyebrows lifted in surprise.

Yeah.

The guy who threw cannonballs at us and threw you around like a ragball.

Rag ball. No, we're keeping that in.

Yeah.

The guy who threw cannonballs at us and threw you around like a ragdoll. That grandpa? Yeah.

He had a thing with this old guy named Shadwell in our village. Then Shadwell broke his hip and they broke up.

Can't fuck with a broken head.

Mm-mm.

With that attitude.

True.

Luffy swallowed, pounded his chest to make sure the sticky treat made it all the way down.

He likes old women too. But he said it was mostly just my grandma, and after she died, he didn't bother with girls anymore. I never got to meet her. But she had a really cool mustache.

I think I need a drink after that revelation.

Sanji fished around in the basket of snacks and drinks he'd brought down from the galley, popped open some cheap coconut rum, and took a drink directly from the bottle, then passed it to Zoro.

I never would have guessed.

About grandpa?

Ha ha

About either of them.

Sanji gave Zoro a quizzical look, but

I just i you're very good at hiding it.

Zoro took a deeper drink and passed it on.

Makes you think I'm hiding.

He did try to proposition Kuro.

Usopp said, as if only just realizing it himself.

Oh my god, why did you try to proposition him? He was a murdering son.

Psychopath, Zoro shrugged.

Hm. I gotta type?

Your type is murdering psychopaths?

That I like.

Go ahead,

Your type is murdering psychopaths?

Usopp took the bottle and took a drink as well, coughed and pulled a face, then handed it to Nami.

That tastes like shoe polish, yeah.

Zoro chuckled.

I thought it was one question per turn. I've answered like three.

Yeah.

You just can't leave me hanging like that.

Usop pawed at his shoulder.

Seriously, that guy was awful.

He's right though.

Oh Nami scolded.

One question per turn.

Ah fine.

Zoro shifted on to his side, propped up on his elbow, and looked Sanji up and down menacingly.

Yes, you're up. Mm? Truth or dare?

I I'm not sure I like this game anymore.

Sanji mothers.

Truth.

Are you a virgin?

I'm out.

Ha ha ha.

I have always believed with the way Sanji treats women that he was definitely.

Yeah.

Like if If any woman like reciprocated his feelings

Yeah, yeah.

He wouldn't know what to do with that.

I have a...

That sounds true.

I know that he broke his hip and they broke up.

No. But certainly.

Now my mind has just been on this for a while. Do you think Garp uses hockey when he fucks?

If I had hockey I would use it when I

Kind of hockey though. Like hardening?

Yeah.

Full body armaments.

I mean you got the I guess he wasn't using armament if his hip broke.

No, the other guy's hip broke. Fucked his hip into oblivion?

Garth broke his hip.

Damn.

You know. Canon.

Took no response.

Yeah.

But like

Garb is so powerful he doesn't need to use hockey.

He doesn't, but he does.

His dick probably had the fist at the end.

And add hockey to that fist because Garp is just Yeah. Yeah. That's that's true in my head now.

Use observation hockey to see exactly how to make them come. Ooh.

All right. Um so our new uh one piece of chast one piece of trash uh headcanon is that Garp um uses hockey while he fucks and broke this man's hip. Improper.

And then broke up with him for it.

Yeah.

Sorry, you can't.

Do you say that?

You can't hang. I know this is probably obvious. What was Garp Garp topping or bottoming when he broke the L.I.'s head?

I feel like Garp is definitely top.

Yeah. Yeah. I'd agree.

I feel like he might be a fingers person, but definitely not b.

Daddy hands. Yeah.

Yeah, like you know.

Yes.

It has the vibe.

I didn't expect I would hear the phrase daddy hands when I woke up this morning.

Yeah.

Well I hope for every day.

Daddy hands? Might be a drag name Daddy Hands.

Patty hands. It's like jazz hand. But stronger.

Just hands?

Shut up! Moving on. Where are we at? Oh right. Um I'll go from my line. Sanji tilted his Sanji lifted his hands and slithered over a k slithered over again. Luffy sighed to put as much distance between him and Zoro.

I'll take the penalty.

Oh come on, it's obvious you are.

Oh, and I suppose you're willing to fix that for me? No, thank you.

Your job.

Hmm.

Like why would you say that? Fuck me yourself, you coward.

You're bad.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. I get it.

Yeah.

Now I understand the assignment now.

So brat.

Okay.

Zoro propped his jaw on his fist and reached for the rum when Nami was trying to pass it to Luffy.

You're too much of a closet case for me.

I am not

You just keep telling yourself.

Zoro took another long drink.

Not it.

Bet you're a pillow, princess.

Sanji snarled. Luffy giggled.

I want to be a pillow princess.

Sort of

He's such a beast.

Baby.

man.

Zoro spat rum out of his nose, then buried his face in his pillow and bellowed because it burned. Sanji and Nami cackled, and Usopp rescued the rum before Zoro spilled it.

What?

What's so funny? Boys can be princesses.

Luffy rose to his hands and knees, pouting.

Luffy, it it doesn't mean what you think it means.

Usopp reached for him, put a hand on Luffy's shoulder, then leaned across the circle and whispered it into the captain's ear. Luffy shrieked.

I don't wanna do that. That's disgusting. Sanji, you're disgusting.

Why me? I'm not even gay.

Nami wiped her eyes and tried to calm her laughter, just as she's doing right now.

Okay, okay. It's Sanji's turn.

Sanji was absolutely red in the face, scowling at Zoro with utter contempt.

I'm not a pillow princess and I'm not a virgin either.

Nami rolled her eyes.

Okay, sure. Now pick someone.

I'm really not.

You don't pick someone, you pay double the penalty.

Fine. Fuck. Usopp. Truth or dead.

That was sassy.

Ha ha.

Dare.

Sanji pointed at him and turned to Nami.

He said dare. No take sees back, C's.

Nami wrinkled her nose in sympathy.

Can't I just pay the penalty?

You don't have any money, you actually owe me three hundred berry.

I'll take off my shirt.

You have four moron under that.

Damn it.

Sanji had an evil grin on his face.

I dare you

Luffy opened his mouth and pointed at his tongue.

Do it.

Shut up.

Sanji snarled, and then turned back to his target.

I dare you to Slap Zoro's ass and tell him he's a dirty boy.

Zoro's face went the color of a ripe plum.

That's not fair.

Usa pointed to the gun. I read Cock, sorry. Usa pointed at the cook and turned to Nami for guidance.

No hitting, right? We can't hit one another.

Nami's mouth opened, ready to call a verdict, but Zoro said, half under his breath. The blush was creeping down his neck now.

That's why you're upset I don't care.

Well, I care. I don't want to hit you. It's wrong. It'd be different if you asked for it, but

And Zoro's face set a funny little twitch, surprise and delight mixed with something dark and needy.

Someone's got a king.

Think Nami snatched the rum from Usab and took a swig. Across the circle, Sanji's face crinkled up in impish delight.

So I was right.

Kink is a sex thing, right? Lucid.

Frown.

This isn't fun anymore. If all you guys want to do is talk about sex stuff.

Oh, like I've never caught you stretching your penis in the bath.

Well um, hold up. I just wanted to point out that that's canon, Otis said so.

Oh yeah.

That totally makes sense.

Without a stretchy.

Yeah.

I've never touched my penis before in my life.

Never?

Fuck you, Sanjay.

Ha ha ha.

Nami muttered.

That's different. It's okay when it's by yourself and you didn't even knock.

They are so close.

Yeah.

I I feel like I've had this friendship before with people.

Where you've walked in on them pulling their cock.

Where we were just so close that nothing was off limits.

Word.

Yeah.

Are you gonna do it or not?

Sanju said, propping his chin on his fist.

Coward?

I know. I was just oh, I c I got I got you now. I got you now. Um can I take it back?

I take it back.

Okay.

Are you gonna do it or not?

Sanji said, propping his chin on his fist.

Yeah.

Howard.

And Usopp turned on the cook with a dangerous look in his eyes.

You need to shut up right now.

Sanji's teeth clicked and his voice died in his throat. Nami made a sound of surprised delight and leaned into Luffy's side, both of them watching with shocked, excited looks in their eyes. Oh.

Usopp's got a daddy voice.

Luffy wrinkled his noise. Luffy wrinkled his nose.

Alexander.

Explain when you're older.

Nami put a hand over her captain's eyes to protect his virtue. Zoro tilted his head and peered up at the cook with a smirk.

And that is the end of chapter one.

Did he get spanked?

That's chapter two.

Yeah.

Same bat time, same bat channel. Um, all right. So how are we feeling? What do you guys do have do you have? Um how are you feeling about what we just read?

This is yeah, I it's it's fun to be a brat.

Ha ha ha.

I saw myself as a brat tamer and I realise how much of a brat you're gonna have me playing this. Yeah.

Okay.

I don't know what's going on.

Ha ha ha.

Up there, buddy.

You could break out of character now, you know, right?

I'm gonna sing.

Luffy fisting his own mouth in the first two seconds of the podcast and then being like

I love that he was like, I mean, it's fine to stretch your peen when you're alone but letting somebody else do it is gross.

Awww.

Little buddy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A a canonically asexual Luffy is my favorite Luffy. Yeah. Actually. That

That's right.

He's just so young and innocent.

He's the he has no sexual bone in his body, like at all. He exudes nothing to me.

I don't know, Wano Luffy, it's different.

Don't.

It is different. Prison Wano. Ooh. Girl, look at my wallpaper.

Wait, what is this? Yeah, that fucks.

I'm sorry. Oh damn.

That's just a sexy pose coming from the the the like bisexual sit.

True true. We're like that fucks. Okay, now I'm gonna Well I can fuck too, I fuck.

Let's prove that everyone here fucks. How how parallel is everyone's characters to themselves right now?

Oh, I think that's so funny. I mean, you're a good looking tan Asian guy.

I'm black.

I'm a white girl lesbian.

Boom.

Are we talking about canon characters or are we talking about so far in the pond?

In the pod.

Uh.

I was just gonna say I like the Namis calling them all out'cause That's my head canon for her.

And and this is just the East Blue crew. So like they haven't even made it to Reverse Mountain yet at this point. This is like

It's called reverse mountain and not like switching.

So that's right.

New new headcannon for the pod, it's called Switch Mountain. It's called first top mountain.

I thought not.

Yeah.

Ha ha.

I can't.

Zora's not allowed to climb that mountain.

Damn. No, he can only go to Bottom Mountain.

That's true.

Oh Sanji, our Sanji is a chain smoking blonde with blue eyes and anxiety.

Yeah. Also kinda bratty. Yeah.

Yeah. Hopeless romantic, the whole the whole nine. That's very ew. No.

No, that's the only thing that I'm not I mean, I can cook but I not good.

Are you cut?

Yeah, we're all cooked.

Yeah, no.

Bye.

Because yeah.

If you want to suggest a fic, you can hit me up on the podcast Instagram, One Piece Trash Pod. You can email us at one pieceoftrash pod at gmail dot com. If you are a fan fiction author and you want us to read your fic, please email me and I am gonna wanna interview you two for s so don't go too far. If you like us and you like what you hear, please tell a friend to tell a friend about the podcast and leave a review wherever you can leave a review. If you didn't like us, fuck off.

Yes.

Ooh,

Yeah.

It's cold, so we'll be fine.