On Theme is a production of iHeartRadio and fair Weather Friends Media. You Are a Starless. Death is an inevitable part of the human experience, but the way we mark and memorialize people who have passed away can take many forms. One of the most enduring traditions is the obituary, that short form biography chronicling someone's life and death.
And the best obituaries are more than just a dry recitation of facts and dates. They use the craft of storytelling to breathe life into the person behind the obituary. They allow us to celebrate people's triumphs, limit their struggles, and find meaning in the legacy they left behind.
I'm Katie and I'm Eves.
On today, episode Dearly Departed looks for the art of the obituary and share some of the narrative techniques that transform de sombers and offs into compelling and emotionally resident tales. You know, I recently had to write an obituary, and it's a task Like you're already grieving, so you're not in the greatest headspace to write, but you know this
is the last story. You got to get it right, or at least you feel the weight of that you know, getting the facts right of course their birthdate and death aid and familiar relationships and everything in between, but also the pressure to write something like really, I don't know, pulling on the heartstrings of something that honors the loved one or you know, the person that died. I know you have experienced writing obituaries.
It's an interesting experience. All of the emotions that come with writing an obituary, especially for a close loved one, They're all over the place because, for one, it's like, how do I fit a life into what three hundred words? I mean, it's a short amount of space. How do I fit an entire life, one that I know so well, one that I could talk about for years and years and years unendingly. And also like I want to write this well because I'm a writer, so I'm thinking about
the storytelling techniques. I'm thinking about that. But also it's like weird because it's like, who's your audience. It seems like your audience for an obituary is all the people who will be reading it, who may want to reflect on the person's life if they knew them well or if they didn't know them well, so they might be learning and things they might not, they can just remember it fondly. But if it's a loved one, you know,
in my case, it was a loved one that I knew. Well, it's like, I'm writing this for myself, really, how do I best represent a person in a short space of time, in a short amount of words. And it's therapeutic in a way because you know how when you write, even if it's something that and not an obituary and you're trying to condense it into a poem or either something that is short, like a short piece, you have to
be really precise. It's hyper real. It's the way I think about it when I'm writing short So it's honestly kind of therapeutic and kind of nice to be confined to certain rules to write the obituary when it's about a loved one, because it's like, what are the things that are visually and feelings wise, what are the things that I feel the most right now? What feels like it makes the most sense for me to include what do I want to bring to the forefront right now?
So yeah, it's a bunch of different feelings for me in different ways.
What were some of the best practices as far as writing that you found like worked when crafting the narrative of the obituary.
Taking your time and writing from the heart, And that sounds so like kind of like.
A I feel like you don't have time though, because if you're writing about a life and it's like the funeral coming.
Well, well, let me explain that because it is specific to my experience. Like for me, I was like, I need to write this O bit, I need to write this open, I need to write this O bit. But I was also involved in the planning of the memorial service, and I'm also trying to grieve, and I'm like, I need to write this over. I got to get to it, like I was writing the eulogy on the way to the memorial service. So I know that the obituary is a little different because you have to turn that in early.
But I think that the same principles can be applied and just moving a little bit more slowly and taking your time to feel into it, just like you would do with any other writing where you're constrained by time and by space and then write from the heart. Comes from the same way. There are a lot of best standards and practices that I guess you would see if you're looking back on obituaries over the years, this is how you name the people. This is where you start
from the beginning, you end at the end. You know, you don't have to do that either. Just write from the heart, because you know, if your audience is other people, then they going to be locked in with you if you're reading it to them, or if they're reading it, you know it's an emotional experience for them too, and you can write that as an emotional experience. But if it's for yourself, then what you need to follow the rules for anyway.
You know, have you experienced any family drama around obituaries. I feel like that's like, I don't know if it's a particular black thing, but I only talk to black people, so in my head it's a black thid.
Honestly, I feel like everybody gets messy when it comes to death a lot of the time. I don't think that's confined to race. But I haven't had fortunately too
much drama around obituaries. Now. My family is big, and you know, a lot of children, a lot of cousins, nieces and nephews, aunties, uncles, all that in my family, and so for me, But there was a potential for drama because of what was going to be included family wise, because of the secrets and things people didn't know on all of that that was going to happen in the obituary.
That fortunately didn't turn up. When I organized the recent memorial service and wrote the obituary, that didn't happen for me, people were just like, hey, you know, loved it. It was beautiful. Somebody read it for me and that all went fine. So I haven't seen that for anyone else. And I also have never experienced that. What about you.
I mean, I feel like I would peep it as a kid but not really know the depths of it. But I wouldn't say like complete drama. But you get a little side comments like O, well, you know I did a lot for them too.
It's like, girl, no you didn't, you didn't, And that's just what it is.
But you know, everybody wants a little shout out, so I think that's like kind of funny. Or if there's like an outside kid, like, oh, how are you going to mention the outside kid? But you know from this union came these kids, and then there's this other kid, like who's that you know, so trying to do some wordsmithing so that the family secret that's not even a secret, but it's just kind of like a little you know, not as wholesome as you would like for the person
like how to do that. But I think it's interesting because I feel like, you know, family secrets are something that you know, inches its way into obituaries, and when you're looking back at the obituary, you know, years down the road, decades down the road, the person reading it might not be privy to all the nuances that these
little slights of hand are pointing to. And with black people, I think in particular, the obituary is really important for family research because there was a time when you know, we was just names on the inventory list, and you know, you might not have the family researcher who has gone back to Africa, but somebody grandma got the drawer of obituaries and you can kind of piece it together. But when there's these like half truths in there, then it
gets a little messy. Have you used obituaries for any family research?
I haven't. I've gone back and looked at old obituaries and learned things, but I actually haven't used any for family research. It's been more of just speaking to my family members lately. But I think that's a good idea and I should do it. Yeah.
I think like people put information in bibles, but I think the obituary is it.
It'll give you the rundown, it'll tell you who to mama the daddy.
Yeah, and those are the hardest things to put together sometimes, like the actual family tree, at least for me. You know, my grandmother had eighteen kids on one side. Yeah, and I got other grandparents, so yeah, that is very helpful. It's hard to keep up now. It just makes me think too that I mean, none of us know when we're going to die, but a part of me does wish that when I was writing that obituaryly I would have been had it done, so when it was time
to go, then it's good to go. Like I don't have to think about it, and I know it's ready, although some things might be missing, so it would have to be a I guess put not intended living document because it's something that you have to update as people at more on to their lives. But I don't know, thinking about it, it feels like it would be something
that would be feel right to me. And I know people do that for newspapers and magazines, like they pre write obituaries for people of note, but I think that in some cases it could be a worthwhile exercise for US normies as well.
Interesting one thing I've noticed with obituaries, like if you look at a bunch of them over the decades, is that they've evolved to include more storytelling. Like back in the day, all facts births, church, education, marriage, children, occupation, death, and no antidotes, no favorite color, nothing. It might not even be a picture, and if there was one, it was just one.
Yeah. Now people are putting some flair on it when talking about folks who have passed. When done well, obituaries have the power to make readers feel as though they intimately knew the person being memorialized, despite having never met them. Through finally render details and emotional storytelling, a connection is forged between the writer, the subject, and the reader.
After the break, we'll look at obituaries that do just that from the Auburn Avenue Research Library Atlanta Funeral Programs Collection.
Stay with us, so tell me more about this Atlanta Funeral Programs collection.
Sure, so, Auburn Avenue Research Library partnered with the Atlanta chapter of the Afro American Historical and Genealogical Society. They got a name one him to spearhead a joint project with Georgia Public Library Service to digitize.
Over eleven thousand.
Pages of funeral programs. And they go from eighteen eighty six to twenty nineteen. I think they're updating it soon, like they've had more people give obituaries, but twenty nineteen is the last publicly available ones.
Does the collection include mostly famous people or public figures.
Nah, just regular degular folks.
I mean, I did see Shoddy Lowe and Julian Bond's obituary in there, but you know, the majority is just regular folks from the South. The thing about obituaries is after the funeral, they're usually put up somewhere and not really examined unless for a very specific reason. So I thought it'd be nice to look through the funeral program's collections and pick a couple that stood out to us.
You don't, yes, I am, so what obituary did you pick and why did it stand out to you? So?
I picked Keana Shields Bentley's obituary and her unborn child's She was killed while she was pregnant, and that's just like a really sad thing to think about. She was pretty young when she died. She was in school and had just gotten married and just kind of like had her life in front of her.
It seemed.
But what stood out to me about Keana's obituary is that it's like written in the first person. I was very confused when I first encountered it.
It says, hey, three wives, Hey everybody.
I'm sure you all have heard a little about me before, but let me formally introduce myself. On September twelfth, nineteen ninety four, I was introduced to my beautiful mother Angela and Shields as her fourth Shining Star of six. So she's like speaking directly to you as you're reading this obituary, and just the tone of it is kind of upbeat, like happy, like you're talking directly to me. I can imagine being a member of her family and feeling very comforted by this obituary.
I think the.
Person who wrote it probably really knew her well to be able to like step into her shoes and you know, speak about you know, her life, her cheerleading, you know, meeting her husband, deciding the name of her child. I just thought it was like really sweet. And she died in Atlanta, you know, living here, you hear certain things on the news and it's kind of like a passing thing, like oh, this person died this way and it was horrible, but you kind of like don't hear about it anymore.
And so I found a lot of those in the collection. I'm like, dang, it's really sad. But hers, it was definitely a sad situation, and you know, young mother and the baby dying, but it's like you could feel her, you know, faith in God through her obituary, her love for her family, just like her personality really really shined.
And I like that about this one.
When you started reading it, you said you were thrown off by being in first person. So when you started reading it and you were thrown off, were you like, m let me go into a different or were you like, oh, I really need to keep reading this. What was your feeling?
Yeah?
I was confused, so I was like, let me keep reading to make sure I'm understanding what's going on here. So, you know, she does that introduction, she talks about her childhood, where she went to school. She even like talks about her like perfect high pitched voice, like I just felt like I really got to know her, and it had to me as a stranger reading it, kind of less of a barrier. It wasn't as formal, It wasn't somber at all, which is the vibe you get from a
lot of obituaries. Rightfully so because the person reading it is sad, and you know, a lot of times funerals are formal occasions. So it's just like really different for me. And you know, it's like a lot of the times when you think about death, you think about like an older person who lived their life, and you know it's still sad, but you're like, okay, this makes sense. But for her, you know, in her twenties, pregnant, about to graduate,
it just just doesn't make sense. And so I think doing something a little you know different, you know, fit the spirit of Keana.
I'm guessing that her death, since she got young, it was unexpected, yeah something. So do you think it's possible that she could have written this on her own, like just as an exercise at some point? You don't think so.
I don't think so.
I think just even to like her personality from the obituary. I don't think she was even thinking like that. I think she was thinking about, you know, having her baby, and thinks she was thinking about graduating, starting her career. I don't think she wrote this. It would be really interesting, as like such a young person for her to have done that, but I don't think.
So, what do you think? I don't think so. I think somebody else wrote this for her, who know her pretty well. When I saw the three wives and the hey everybody at the beginning out it's black. This is a black obituary, Okay, but I've never seen anything like this before in real life and you know, not reading
it online. So I'm trying to think how respond if it was somebody I knew that I was reading, and I think it would be pretty emotional for me, especially if they were passing out the obituaries and I was in the memorial service at the time and I'm reading this as I'm waiting. I imagine there would be those conflicting feelings like this is very sorrowful because this person is gone, and you know, there's a child that's not
here now she's gone. I loved her, But at the same time, it's like it's going to brighten me up. You know, it's gonna put a smile on my face because I get to feel a little bit of her personality and her essence when I'm reading it. So I imagine that's pretty comforting.
Yeah, And you know I said it was Keana's obituary, it was also her unborn child's obituary too, Zariah Keela Bentley, so it was a joint obituary for both of them. And the person wrote that Keana was preceded in death by her beautiful daughter, Zarah Quela Bentley, and they have pictures of the sonogram and a picture of Keana with her pregnant belly.
I know you can tell she was truly that girl.
And I don't know, just really really fun, god fearing family woman.
I'd say, yeah. And I think that one of the last sentences in the obituary is our work and purpose has been fulfilled. Don't mourn for us. And I think that's really indicative of how God was in their lives. Yes, but also in terms of it being an element of storytelling, it's like you're ending in a place that you've given us the set up for that payoff. So the payoff is telling us, don't mourn for us. And you've showed us that through the other paragraphs that come before, because
they're celebratory, they're not sad. So you have showed us that we shouldn't mourn for them because they've lived well, because they were love. And now I've read this, I'm at the memorial service. I cherished this person, and I am sad that they are gone, but I see how full their lives were and the time that they did have here. And now you're telling me not to mourn for them. So I'm gonna hold on to that. And now I have this obituary on paper to hold on to that sentiment. Mm hmm.
And one of the paragraphs, she says, the time of my transition, I was working toward my medical assistant degree. As a matter of fact, my graduation was set for June eleventh, twenty sixteen, which was just I believe, five days before she died. And later she says, I would have loved to celebrate each and every milestone with you guys, but baby girl and I couldn't ignore God's call. But don't worry that angels in heaven presented me with my cap and gown at the Pearly Gates.
I don't know, I'm getting excited.
Yeah, is not the point of the obituary because she wants.
You to be happy.
Yeah, it's like, don't worry for.
Well.
I think when you're seeing an obituary full of somebody's life, you want to think, oh, their life was so full, But ironically it often works in the opposite way because you see how full their life was and it makes you imagine, like, what could they have done yea had they been able to stay on this earth for a longer time. And when you see that about the cap
and gown, you're like, she had plans. Yeah, you know, she had plans, she had ambitions, she had goals, and she had a child who would have had those same things had they lived as well. So yeah, I mean that's what happens with obituary, is too like your intent may be one way, or you may have wanted to express yourself one way, but as it goes in storytelling, the way we project isn't the way that people always receive something.
Yeah, I think the person who wrote it wanted to be comforting, which I do think they accomplished, but it's definitely like a sad situation, but I think they did a good like telling her life story, showing her personality, just like showing the woman that she was, and kind of all that you know will be missed.
Yes, miss Keana. I hope that wherever you are, you are peaceful and all your lights able to shine wherever you are in prayers and peace to their family as well. So the obituary that I came across is for Joseph Seum Lewis. I hope that I'm pronouncing that right, that maybe Joseph Sayum Lewis. But he was born in nineteen fifty one and he died in two thousand and eight, and he had his memorial service at the Shrine of
the Black Madonna in Atlanta. And I enjoyed his reading his obituary and learning more about his life because I felt like I just got a sense of who he was. He did have an impact on people in his community. He seemed to be a pretty well respected community member.
I like that. In the beginning of the obituary, it says that he was legally named Joseph Derrek Lewis, but he later changed his name and rejected this slave name and mentality and there's a lot to a name, you know, especially to black people, and I think leading with that is pretty impactful, just because we see, even just within something as small as his name, of how much he changed over the course of his life, and we get to see a little bit of his perspective, We get
to learn about his political ideology. You know, what matters to a person if the first thing they're talking about in the obituary is that they were listed as Negro and their birth certificate. So just get to the point we know what he was about, and I appreciate it. In the obituary, it talks about how he was wrapped up in gangs a little bit in his earlier life, and he went through the juvenile justice system, and then
we get this character introduced. I liked this part of it because it feels like when you know you have that person who's the one who incites your moment of epiphany or your moment of where you really shift something dramatically and importantly in your life. And that person was his mother. They say, after he went through the juvenile justice system, his mother came in and sat him down and drew a small dot on a piece of paper.
So they're getting heavy into the imagery here. It's like, you know when you pause for a moment when you're in a narrative, but now we have a scene. So now when you do something like that in storytelling, you're stopping to create to tell somebody to be in this moment with you. Because they could have just said, you know,
she told him this. Instead they said she set him down and drew a small dot on a paper, and she explained what he knew was just to die, and what he didn't know was all the remaining space on the page, which you know, I'm wu and I love things like this anyway, so I really appreciated that. But it shows just how much that moment meant to him. And I'm not sure who wrote this obituary if it
probably wasn't his mother. I mean, I'm not sure if she was still alive or not at the time, but whoever it was had to have been close to him to know that that moment even happened. And I wonder if it's something that they knew because they were there, or if it's something that they knew because Joseph C. M Lewis told everybody. He's just like, oh, this happened when my mother told me this, because it was such an impactful moment in his life, right, Yeah, you think
it was that one? Yeah, which is beautiful because this person is able to be in on a moment and understand a moment that was important to the person who was deceased. They really are able to step into that with them and now translate that into abituary that everybody else can receive. So I liked that part. And then that's when the reversal happens. That's when the switch happens.
In the story of his life, they talk about how he enrolled in college and graduated with a degree in African history, and how he continued to rely on his mother's guidance throughout the rest of his life. So they narrowed in on this point in time of when we saw a specific example of guidance that he got from his mother, and then they leave us to imagine all the other ways that his mother was involved in his life. But we know that she was. We know that she
was a big part of it. So I really love that part of it that really stood out to me. He seemed to have a full life. He became known apparently as the mayor of Atlanta's West End and was pretty heavily involved in the community and cared a lot about uplifting African people. Say so, Yeah, I think this is a good example of maybe not you know, maybe not first person. Like that's pretty different. That's pretty unique
in terms of obituator in first person. But it if you know, you ain't got those kind of storytelling and writing chops to be able to have that imagination to write something like first person, then I think this is a different example on the opposite side of the spectrum where you can just insert tiny things into an obituary to you know, make them feel more alive.
Yeah.
And I think the fact that he was a member of the Shrine of the Black Madonna, it's nice to see as far as like something being very Atlanta. Yeah, and you know, I've gone to church services at the shrine and that's just like how they are, like all of them got different names. Yeah, a lot of them wear you know, they're African clothes, and but they are very like helpful people, like they're gonna, you know, see that you're visiting and say, oh, sister Mitchell, stand up, We're.
All going to pray for you.
And are really about uplifting African people, you know. So it's cool to see, like, you know, that was his path and also cool to see like the change in people because a lot of times we're told like this is who you are and.
That's just how you have to be. But as his story showed, like.
Oh he was doing a little bit gang banking, So what you can you know, build homes for people and be a you know, member in the choir and you know, be someone that a lot of people are really.
Gonna like miss and cherish for a long time.
Because they didn't have to mention his early time that he spend in gangs or in the justice system at all.
Yeah, I feel like my family wouldn't have mentioned that. They wouldn't have he was an angel from day one.
Yeah, some revisionist history.
Yeah, they wouldn't have said that truly, But I think probably because he wasn't ashamed of it. And I think that's how you reach people, to like, if you've always been an angel, ain't nobody reached you know, But you know, if you had your vices and you overcame them, it's easier for people to hear what you saying.
So I do like that they included that.
Yeah, and they didn't linger on it too long. Yeah.
Another thing about obituaries I think is interesting her like the poems or the Bible verses or quotes that people include. I think just like the biography of the person, it shows their personality. A lot of what quotes that other people think really embody them. So his quotes, he has some quotes on him. Okay, you know he started off with an oldie, but goodie, the hunter will always be the hero until the lion has an historian, which is
very shard of the black Madonna down. Yes, he also quotes Malcolm X the Black Man's creed, which I'm assuming he was not Muslim since he was at the Christian church. But you know, the black radicalism, it's jumping out, it's jumping out, and he's jumping out. I think the one that gets me is to tap into peace because that generation loves an initialism. Okay, where peace, each letter stands
for something, break it down. He personal commitments. These are all more than one word, but we gonna rock with it.
Yeah. He eliminate negative influences, a a wake up call to all see conquer fear and ignorance. And E each of us take a responsibility period. Okay, all good sentiments to live by. I think I think I would like a little bit more information about a wake up call to all, but you know, the other ones are pretty good guidance.
Yeah, but it's just like a little anecdote about him parking in a handicap spy. He was with his brother who was in a wheelchair, and the security card told him to move because he doesn't have a disabled parking decal, and he replied, a black man in America is handicap And he stayed right where he was and she went back in the store. And just like little things like that. It's like someone who you know, it's his like great great great grandchild.
That little story might get lost otherwise.
Yeah, that story is very funny to me. I don't know the man. That story is pretty funny, but it's definitely one of those things where it's like the people who are deep into community, they're like thinking about this kind of thing all the time. It's like always on their mind.
You know.
He's always worried about like black community, black togetherness, and black liberation. Like that's what's forefront to me, Like none of the things. Nothing else matters, even when you are parking near Greenbrier Mall. You know, I think that would affect another potentially another black person who might actually need the handicap spot.
He was in a wheelchair. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, he just didn't have the white man's paperwork.
Yeah yeah, yeah, fair, fair, fair, So yeah, I like that. And also another quote that he has in his obituary is salvation is a group experience. I wonder if that's something that he said a lot, based on what his personality seems like it was that he would have said that.
But it's interesting to think of that in the light of someone's death, because you're talking about salvation and normally, if we were thinking about that, and in terms of the living, we're thinking about like how we attain liberation in this realm, and that there is an implication of solidarity and you know, community work. But in this case, it's like, my people come with me when I go, and my presence is still here. So I think that's a nice sentiment to show.
Yeah, you can tell that he's really popular by his obituary, like everyone wants a little little piece of it, give their memories of him, pictures all good time. And I'm sure this tryan sentiment on home. Yes, yes, yeah, I think both of these obituaries were really nice examples of storytelling in you know, different ways, but storytelling for the dead. And it's one of those things that I think you don't really think about until you have to do it.
So I think it's nice to think about it, to look at some folks that you don't know, but now you feel like, you know, I'm a little bit better now that you looked at their obituaries.
And girl, I used to do this a lot, read obituaries. Yeah.
It was my coping mechanism after my grandpa died. Oh, because I like the way they did his obituary and I was like, this what cho should have did, And I would go look at obituaries. I thought some really good ones. Some people really put their foot in them.
H I think the thing that I like about both of these too is that you can close to us and have somebody read these to you, and you gon know, they for black people in different ways. One because of the way it was written and in this one because of all the things that he did in his lifetime were centered.
Yeah.
So I like that about both of these obituaries.
Yeah, those are that's always nice. And now it's time for word credits, the segment where we give credit to a person, place, or thing we've encountered during the week eves.
Who are what would you like to give credit to?
I like to shout out to estheticians, people who are willing to get up close and personal with you and do the kinds of you know, body work. I mean, you know, work with your body work, close to people, be in these intimate situations to help you care for yourselves, and then return there being very caring to you in whatever way it is, even if it's something that's like cosmetic,
like painting your nails. You know, I'm used to working with people as a yoga teacher, but I just appreciate all the estheticians that make my life like a little bit better in the ways that they do, and I like to give them credit today. Nice.
I'd like to give credit to the prayer warriors. Okay, I want to give credit to those who have Jesus on the main line, those who will make you late for a reservation because they're praying loud, but they feat stomping and hands clapping, you know. I think we all need some prayer sometimes, and the Prayer Warriors they're never late for prayer, So I appreciate it, and we'll see y'all next week.
By y'all. Hi. On Theme is a production of iHeartRadio and Fairweather Friends Media. This episode was written by Eves Jeffco and Katie Mitchell. It was edited and produced by Tari Harrison. Follow us on Instagram at on Theme Show. You can also send us some email at hello at on Theme dot show. Head to on Theme dot Show to check out the show notes for episodes. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.