Why You Are Restricting Your Desires in Your Relationship & How to Stop Blocking Yourself from the Happiness You Deserve with Lisa Bilyeu

This would also mean the absolute world to me and help us make better, bigger, brighter content for you and the world.

best selling author, public speaker, and host. Lisa co founded the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition and his co founder and president of Impact Theory Studios. Lisa built a global audience while creating an impressive state of content that has been viewed over half a billion times. This includes Lisa's hit digital series Women of Impact, a show that features extraordinary guests who, through their stories and expertise, help viewers build their confidence. I've been lucky enough to be a

guest on the show. Lisa is one of my dear friends, and I'm so excited to announce that her book is out in paperback right now, Radical Confidence. It includes a brand new chapter. So if you want eleven lessons on how to get the relationship, career and life you want, this is the book to grab. If you didn't grab the first time, now's the time to grab it. It's cheaper too, because it's in paperback. Welcome to the show Lisa BILLYO Lisa, so good to see it.

mean to you? And what is something that people can think of because I think everyone has a different view of the word confidence.

is a complete misconception. Is what actually is holding so many of us back from trying anything and what I realized was in my own journey, I actually just need to take action. I needed to go into something very insecure, not knowing what I was doing. Practice and practice and practicing, you know, wax on, whax off my favorite movie Karate Kid, and get so damn good that I build the competence to then lead to confidence. So the truth is the confidence is the byproduct of taking action, and a lot

of us don't think of it like that. We think it's going to be the magic bullet that's going to get us to actually take that action at the beginning. And so that's where I actually reshaped and how I rethought of the word confidence. And then also for me, confidence is like an If you don't keep practicing it, you won't actually get strong at it. And if you stop practicing, you will get weaker. And just like when you go to the gym, you may practice like your

biceps or your legs. It's a different mechanism to practice working your calves than practice in your bicep. So that is what confidence is. It's not you get confidence in one area and you're good to go. It's like you get confidence maybe being in front of the camera, but being in front of the camera. As you know, jay is very different than being on stage. So when someone sees maybe you've got confidence in one area, it doesn't

mean that you've got confidence everywhere else. And I think people, if it's you and you're thinking about it, you may then think that you're incompetent, or you're no good, or like it's just well, I don't have the gene, so I may as well not get started. But the truth is, identify where you can't want the confidence, get started, build that competence, and then eventually it will breed confidence.

a skill, quality, or attribute you have by yourself. And I think it's so interesting, and you're right. I think we've viewed confidences how do other people feel about us? So we look at it as like, oh, that person looks so confident because they're like walking out their car, they got that swag, they're like dripping in great clothes or whatever it may be. And we see that as confidence.

But we know that that person could be sitting in there going, oh, I'm not the right size, I'm overweight, underweight, I'm whatever else it may be, criticizing themselves.

So as that staying home wife, I didn't make any change because I didn't feel like I was capable of anything. Because I was so insecure that voice in my head was so negative, Jay telling me all the reasons why I was no good to try anything, and so in order for me to build my confidence to move forward, I was like, well, what if I am bad? Who cares? You have to actually practice? Why do I think that I can be amazing at something?

your middle or your end, you will feel incompetent. And so for me, I had to stop looking outside of myself at all the amazing people because I believed I wasn't good enough to try, And so I had to build the internal confidence to take that action, to actually just try and understand that it's going to be a process. And without that, I never would have got out of what I call purgatory of the mundane, when my life is just mundane enough and so I'm just stuck there

day in and day out. And that idea that even if you don't feel good enough, you can still take action, I think was the biggest thing that was the hardest for me because I didn't want to get bullied. I was already bullied as a kid for my looks from other women, So you can imagine me trying anything. That fear of being bullied from other girls was so petrifying that I didn't even want to take a chance, and so realizing A have to build that within myself. And

you said the word validate actually earlier. That word really sticks with me with me because I think a lot of us wait for validation external validation. We wait for someone to tell us that we're a good Greek wife or an amazing husband or a fantastic wife, and that can actually hold us where we are because I was so seeking validation from everybody else, and at the time, I was getting validation from being that stay at home wife, And so you can imagine I have low self esteem.

I don't believe in myself. I don't think I'm good enough, and everyone's validating me for this one thing, even though I don't like that one thing. That validation, that feeling good about yourself is what kept me there. So I think the trick is is how do you make sure that you validate yourself? And that became the path for me building my confidence every single day. What am I going to do today to validate myself? Not get validation from my partner, from my boyfriend from the exit? How

many likes I got on Instagram? No, no, how can I validate myself? And that became my north star versus everyone else making me feel good about myself.

is just how it is. And we say these things because we're scared of what maybe on the other side of admitting to ourselves that actually where I am is not where I want to be, and we kind of supplement it with, oh, everyone thinks I'm doing all right, so of course I can't be doing that badly. How do you kind of get the courage to say, you know what, I don't want this life, because I think that statement requires a lot of courage, And I know I was scared to admit it to myself. When I

was I'd already left the monastery. I was in a corporate job. It was safe, it was stable, it was sturdy. Career progression was obvious, and here I was going. And by the way, I was so scared I would never get a job after leaving the monastery. So even having a job, I was very grateful because no one would give me one. So now for me to be like, okay, I need to break this away and everyone's like, wait a minute, you're lucky to have a job.

at me in the mirror. I couldn't recognize myself because I wasn't speaking up, I wasn't having my voice. And so there were a couple of things that I realized that really became like the straw that broke the camel's back, if you will. One of them was I was using gratitude, which I love. Right, It's like, be grateful for the things you have because there are other people out that don't have that. So the first couple of years from in my marriage, I was using gratitude, even though I

didn't want to be the state at home wife. Now that looked like, my God, I don't like being a state I don't like cooking and cleaning. But actually, I'm so grateful I have a husband that loves me. My God, the amount of people that don't have that healthy relationship. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful I've got a roof

over my head. I'm so grateful. Filling the blank and that was wonderful become year four year five year, six year seven, that gratitude started to really turn its head into almost toxic gratitude, which every time that voice that was speaking, are you happy, Lisa, like you don't seem happy? I would use the gratitude to shut her down. And that looked like, how ungratefully you? How ungratefully are you that you want something else when you've got a husband

that loves you. How ungratefully you, Lisa? You want to go out in the workforce when you don't have to. So that voice, that gratitude started to come really toxic, and so identifying that allowing the voice in my head to just turn up the volume, allow her to actually speak. Because we've been taught, especially for me growing up Greek orthodox is you live in service of everybody else. You live in service of the family, the husband, the kids,

and so you put yourself last. And I started to realize, this voice is getting louder. What happens if I actually start to listen to her? What does that look like? Because I'm such a self ownership person, and so if I'm unhappy, what am I going to do about it? What choices am I going to make different that's going to lead me to a different outcome, and I started to realize it was all on me. I hadn't spoken up and told tom my husband that I was unhappy.

So let's just address step one. Acknowledge Lisa, you're unhappy without shame and guilt. Acknowledge it to myself. That was step one. Then acknowledge it to my husband. I love you more than life it's self, babe, but I don't want to cook for you and clean for you anymore. Voicing that having the strength the courage you said that earlier, having the courage to really own where you are instead of sitting in the shame was a massive thing. And then the final thing is just project your life out.

What does it look like if you don't make a change in a year, in five years, and ten years and twenty years. And the truth is I would have been doing the same thing. I would have then slipped into being a mother. I would because that's what my culture told me. And then I would have slipped into given over to the children and the husband. And in ten twenty years, I'm exactly where I am, just on

a different scale. And those elements were the things that I'm like, oh will no one's coming to save you. No one's going to come and change your life for you. So what am I going to do now to make that change?

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and everyone talks over each other. Everyone's yells at each other, and so Tom comes and meets them, and that's the family everyone's yelling, and so we leave and I'm like, oh my god, they clearly loved him, because they're clearly very comfortable around him. So I can't wait to hear how much he loves my family. So we get in the calm, like, Babe, what do you think and he's like, they were so disrespectful, and I was like what, And he's like, I can't believe, Lisa, Everyone's just screaming and

yelling at each other. They asked me a question. They don't listen. Frame of reference. My frame of reference. When someone yells and screams like in a happy way, it's actually a sign of greeting you, being comfortable around you. But Tom's frame of reference is when someone's yelling, it means disrespect. So that just gives an example of what frame of reference means. So you don't actually question your frame of reference. And I think that was the massive thing.

Is I still right now to this day, will now every day question my frame of reference on the way that I see things because maybe I'm missing something. So being the stay at home wife, my frame of reference was, well, this is what a woman does. You're going to have children, you will get married. It didn't even dawn on me, Jay that I could question whether I want kids or not.

It didn't dawn on me. And so going from that to where I am now is because I literally will question my frame of reference every day because it's your frame of reference that gets in the way of you having the dream. How many people say I can't. I remember once I was coaching somebody and they were saying about how they're building this business. And this woman she's just had a baby, and she freaking loves that she's building this business. She feels so good about herself and

her dad. Every day wouold has a key comes in her house and would sit down at dinner and basically say that she was a neglectful mother. And she's like, I don't know what to do, Lisa, And I said, Okay, well, he's got a key to your house. Either tell your dad that he has to be per set boundaries or he doesn't get the key to your house. She's like, I can't do that. I'm like, yes, you can, you

just don't want to. Your frame of reference may be that I'm a terrible daughter if I take the keys away from my dad, But how is it serving you? And so that I think was the massive thing that I realized that I had a frame of reference about life, belief system, whatever you want to call it, and sometimes it doesn't serve my dreams, my goals and where I want to go. And so having the self awareness to ask myself, where am I where do I want to go?

How am I going to get there? And what belief system do I have that's either going to propel me forward or hold me back?

here's the thing. I need to be very self aware that I'm about to make his life more difficult. So, just to paint the picture, he would wake up, his clothes were next to him, literally by his bedjay he would put them on. He would go to the gym, he'd come back his work clothes already, he'd get changed. I would hand him lunch to take to work so he didn't have to do anything in the house. So I knew I can't pretend that his life isn't going

to be worse. It is. I'm making his life more difficult, so a have give him the grace that of course he's going to have an opinion. Of course it's actually going to make his life more difficult.

you didn't expect. And so he had an idea of the wife that I was because I had painted that idea for eight years. So I know he's going to have to grieve the wife that I was. So giving him the space to grieve is super important. And then the last thing is almost like to say, by like a drug addicts, where you like wean them off. I was like, he's addicted in some way or habitual to the fact that I would do this every day, and

just like any habit, you cannot change that overnight. And so what I said to him is, look, here's a game plan. Maybe this will help. What if next week I'm just going to cook and clean for you six days a week, and then the week after that, I'm going to do five days, four days, three days. Right, And so what that did was show him I was willing to work with him on the transition. And then the final piece is letting him know I'm not happy, babe,

I'm profoundly unhappy. This isn't your fault. This is because I made decisions, but now I need your help. Right, So I'm asking him to be a part of this and need your help because I'm not happy. I don't think I can do it alone. Now as my husband, he has the opportunity to be there for me instead of him being in his own in his own head, selfish lives, like I can't believe he's like, oh my god, my wife is actually asking for help. So that helped

peace was a big deal as well. And then overall, I think when you're approaching anything like this, how do you see your relationship? I think relationships are like a game of tennis. You're playing a sport. You're playing the same sport, but are you playing singles or doubles? If you're playing singles. You're both on each other side of the net and you're just hitting the ball back and forward,

and ultimately only one of you can win. And you see, j I'm sure you've seen a lot of relationship where someone's just trying to make a little jab at them and it's like it literally this back and forth. It's not coming together. But a game of doubles, you're on the same side. You either win together or you lose together. And if I'm weak, I tell you I'm weak, and

that's where you get stronger, and vice versa. So in this moment, I'm saying to my husband, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what the future looks like, but I'm not happy. I am weak metaphorically, I need your help. And so he turned around in having laid all that out being honest with each other. That's also the foundation. Is your relationship built on honesty. Once you had that discussion, his response was what kind of husband would I be if I put clean underwear ahead of

your happiness? And that became the moment where he realized we were in it together. I wasn't happy and he could help me navigate out of it and it came to that one day where he doesn't have clean underwear. Jay, I didn't do laundry for like a month, and he turns around and yells from in the other room, Babe, I don't have any underwear. And in that moment, I paused and I was like, oh, no, is this where the truth comes out? And he's like, I can't believe

as my wife, you don't give me clean underwear. And he turned around, he's like, so, I guess I'm going to work commandover and he goes to work with no underwear on. Now, what that did was the way that I handled it, brought him in. We did it together. Made that moment was like a make up break. He could have been mad, he could have been like, see,

I knew it. The resentment and contempt is like the two things that will identify I think by ninety percent guarantee that a couple won't last is if you see resentment and contempt in a relationship. And so would that

is exactly what would have happened. He would have built contempt day by day that my wife isn't cooking, forming, my wife isn't cleaning, and one silly moment like I don't have underwear could be that breaking point of that relationship, but because we'd set up that foundation, that moment that could have broken us actually brought us closer together.

Then you'd go up to me and be like, I can't believe you've controlled me for the last eight to ten years. I can't believe that you've dominated me. I can't believe that you've made me this submissive person. And I'm not happy, and I'm never going to cook for you again, I'm never going to clean for you again. Do it yourself, grow up. And you could have said it like that and then he'd turn around and go get over it.

said it, from tomorrow, everything's going to be perfect. And it's incredible to me to hear the emotional maturity surrounding that. And I hope that everyone who's listening and watching my compassion goes out to people who I do feel are with someone who may not have the emotional maturity to receive it, even if it's shared with the maturity that you just shared it. I think I do know a lot of people who have tried to share something similar with their partners, and the partners will be like, I

just get over it. You'll be fine tomorrow, don't worry about it. Like, you know, how would you have dealt with if that was the case? How would you guide people with radical confidence? How would you deal with that?

opinion on you. You need to live the life that you actually want, and if that life means that you really want children, you need to go and find that because we're going to make each other unhappy, no matter how much I love you. And so if Tom had turned around to me and said, yeah, no, that's what you signed up for, I think in that moment I

would have been shocked. I wouldn't have expected it, and I would have had to go back and be with myself and been silenced and start to write out what my value systems are, what my morals are, and how I want to show up every day, and then check to see if then what Tom is saying aligns with that, because I had been going along with the flow for

so long and thinking other people's opinions were mine. And so we don't really know what is our own thoughts until we are still, until we write out what we actually care about, and so our value systems happen to very much align. Our value system is is I will support you, even in spite of things that may make my life more uncomfortable. Right, my value system is is that you are an ambitious man. I will protect you and support you in your ambition, even if it makes

my life more difficult. So if he's working, which is true two years ago, he was working one hundred and twenty hours.

And that's kind of what I talk about in the book about how a relationship can and be literally the winds beneath your wind, your wings that can help propel you right, it can make you feel better about yourself as you're on that journey. But it also can be that anchor around your ankle that can if you dropped into the ocean, we just take you deeper and deeper. And so who are you with? Do they want to see you shine? Do they want to actually see you thrive?

And what are their non negotiables? But I think ultimately, if Tom has said that, I don't think we would have stayed together. And that's the key is when people say you and Tom are so lucky, You're so lucky to have someone like Tom, and I said, no, no, no, no, I've got Tom because we communicate and he's the person that is okay with a wife going from a stay at home wife to now an entrepreneur. And I'm okay with having a husband that works one hundred hours or

one hundred and twenty hours a week. Most people aren't and there's no judgment there. But that's what makes us beautiful dance partners. And so never, I just did it too long, Jay, Never, anyone listening, don't ever diminish your dreams. Don't ever negotiate your boundaries for somebody else. Know what they are first, and then ideally find somebody that respects and compliments them.

and I love seeing it. It's really inspiring for us, and I think it's similar for us.

other person needs. I think what's really interesting, though, Lise, is that a lot of the time, what we want, we've got to really think about that word, because I wonder whether sometimes we've always It's so funny because I'm going the other way, but we started off talking about like we all believe we deserve less, but sometimes in our relationships we could be really demanding in a way that isn't taking into account who the other person is.

So I'll give you an example. Let's say what you wanted, and I know Tom's I'm going to speak for him a bit and you can edit the parts I don't get right. If you had said, Jay, I'm excited to get married and the guy I want, I want him to be someone who every evening spends time with me, every weekend is free and available. I want him to think about planning a vacation four times a year, or

twice a year, or once year. I want him to be someone who just wants to cuddle up and watch a movie every night, even if you wanted all of that, Tom was not the right guy, Like that's not Tom, Like he's he may be some of those things, but not really not really Yeah, exactly perception, Tom's not that guy.

have a mission, I'm excited about stuff, like I'm passionate, i want to live a purposeful life, like this is my priority. And so sometimes what we want and who were attracted.

And he's not suddenly going to become that, like he's he's he may become that, because we can all change, but obviously he's not showing you that two years or someone will be like, you know, I wishly didn't work so hard, like you know, something like but you know his goal is to be a billionaire, like as in do you know what I mean?

has ambition? They're not going to be there every night at seven pm, They're not taking time off on the weekends, They're not filling the blank. Okay, well, what's more important to you? Like, now, just look at those facts and go if you're ambitious, this is actually what comes with someone ambitious. If you want someone that is a stay up again, freaking love it. But just know that probably means they're going to work a nine to five that that way they have the time to be open to

them spending date night with you. But are you okay with that? What life do you want? What's more important? Like actually almost prioritize them. And so for me that was a very early wake up call with Tom where it's like I know who I'm married, and so just because I've got a ring on my finger doesn't mean now all of a sudden he has to change in order to fit all the things that I'm looking for in life. I actually know that the cost of being with him is that I don't see him on a

Saturday night or a Friday. And then that extends to children. When we were even talking about kids, he said, Babe, I love you. I'm not gonna wake up in the middle of the night and clean the baby's diaper because I am an ambitious and I will be resentful, going back to that word, I'll be resentful if I give up my ambition for my children and my wife. I won't be able to be the man that you love and you want me to be, because you are literally

stripping me away of the fundamental person I am. And when you can respect someone for being that honest and that transparent, I only receive it with utter gratitude to be honest, like thank you for telling me before we have children what type of father you're going to be. And so he said, I'm going to be working really hard.

I'm not going to be coming home at seven pm every night, and I'm not going to get up with the kids because i need to make sure that my cognitive load is like on fire when I'm in my business. But then on the weekends, the truth is that I want to be an amazing father, and so I'm going to be on the weekends taking my kids to soccer practice and doing all these things. Those are the reality of who fundamentally he is and how that shows up in our relationship. Cool now that I know that, do

I still want children? Knowing that pretty much Monday to Friday, I'm a single mother Because when people don't have these conversations, it ends up being the biggest thing that breaks that relationship because you are now judging the part I can't believe he's not waking up and I'm I'm left all by myself? Or did you have the discussion so that you knew again the zero judgment? But you knew what the mother wants and what the father wants. And this goes both ways, right, It's not just Tom what do

I want out of life? And how do children fit into my lifestyle? But those are the things that we spoke about every step of the way so that we can always give each other the utter respect in being the person they are, because when you strip away that, you can't bring your whole self. You know, you've written in your book about how you have to have a relationship with your purpose. Your partner has to have a

relationship with their purpose and then you come together. But if you're stripping each other of their purpose, you can't have that beautiful dance and that relationship. So knowing all of those factors is exactly why I was like, I still love you, I appreciate it. I still find this very sexy. And now the understanding is is that he's not going to be home in the evening. And that was actually part of what made me decide that I didn't want children because I don't want to be a

single mother Monday to Friday. I freaking love my work, so I actually don't want to give that up either. I didn't want to have children and have Nanni's bring them up. No shame, just my decision. And then on the weekends, I'm just going to be utterly transparent and honest with you, is that I don't want to be second or third on his priority list. When is there going to be time for me and him if he's working a week and on the weekends he's with the children.

And the thing that I will protect the most is my relationship with my husband. So knowing that, now, what decisions do we make to protect our relationship? And I understand people, especially with kids we play, you won't know what it's like until you have kids. I bet you get that all the time, especially in your culture. The truth is no, I don't know what it's like because I don't have them. But there's nothing that I'm missing or losing because I don't know what I'm missing out on.

It's kind of like a dog making fun of us humans for our sense of smell. It's like their sense of smell is freaking amazing, but I don't know what it's like. So I don't look at a dog in longingness. I just go I know my sense of smell, and it is what it is. So but I do treat it as fact that I bet you Nature takes its course and make sure that biologically, especially as a woman, that you then prioritize your children. So then again asking Tom, are you okay with going down on my priority list

when we have kids? Because nature will make sure that that child is the center of my universe. I don't pretend otherwise. And being able to have that type of honest conversations with zero judgment, giving each other the grace to just be who they are, then allows us to say, do we have children, do we still stay in this marriage without that growing contempt that then ends up breaking all couples. It turns you into a person you're not

proud of. You start arguing, you start saying things you don't like, you start doing things you're not proud of yourself use and potentially their vulnerabilities against them in arguments because you haven't had that truth conversation from the get go.

And so you need to know your deal breakers and you need to know your priorities. And I love the way you put that because I do think that we do want it all, and we want it all now, and when someone doesn't give it to us all, we then think it's their fault, and that's what creates this resentment and contempt because we're like, well, wait a minute, like, don't you want to work a bit more? And it's like, no, but the thing you love about them is that they're

always available. Like I have friends who's like, their partners will coming then with their work trip and then they'll be like, oh, but don't you have something to do? And it's like, but but you love the fact that

they're always with you. And then there's this break, you know, this this break, does that make sense or even this idea of like I love someone of my friends say to me like, oh, you know, my partner's just a bit boring, And I'm like, but you wanted someone who didn't do anything like you wanted someone who was you know, like, didn't have interest, was always around, was always available, and

now you're calling them boring for it. It's like, but you've never really you know, you've never encouraged them to or you've never been attracted to someone who wanted to explore. It's it's fascinating to me.

building that confidence and I freaking like it. And I interviewed somebody I won't say their name, but she's a really big powerhouse and she's successful, and she's wealthy, and she had just got divorced, and so she's telling me the story about how she's like, yeah, I'm owning my sexuality, I'm owning who I am, and I'm a powerful woman. So she chats up this guy in a bar and she's like, and he became my boyfriend. He's younger than her, so he moves in with her, and she's like, I

freaking love it. No guy's ever going to control me again. Or so she's like, amazing, I respect that, you know what you want, you go after it. Halfway through the interview, she's just like, yeah, And I can't believe he doesn't like book any vacations, He never pays for dinner, he never takes the lead on something. And I'm like because you didn't set up your relationship for that to be

like that. And I think ultimately, this is something I'm really playing with new that's really weighing on me is that I think one of the things people don't ask each other and they're worried, especially in today's society. But I think it's imperative when you get into a relationship, before you commit who leads and who follows and having that actual conversation. And here's the thing. Following someone doesn't make you weaker, it doesn't make you submissive. It just

has a way to think about dancing. I've brought up dancing for some reason this conversation. I'm not quite sure why. Yeah, it's the dear exactly think about in dancing. You can't have two leaders. You just can't think about running a company. You can't have two CEOs. You have to have that moment, you have to have that moment of who is leading and who is following. But if you can remove the stigma that maybe you have against the word follow, then

you can actually have that honored conversation. And that's what Tom and I did is Babe, I want you to lead. He wants to lead, and I want him to lead. That doesn't make me less of a powerful, confident woman. It actually makes me stronger in my eyes, because I'm strong enough to know I can it will be strong in my own conviction, my ideas, my boundaries, standing up for myself, and I can still have faith in somebody

else is going to lead me. Now, of course, if he goes off step, I'm going to have the confidence to speak up. But ultimately I'm not challenging him for that role. And in Totay's society, again, it's just weird for people to say about roles in a relationship. And I think there's no right or wrong. What do you want in your relationship? But you have to have that role discussion. Yes, no matter what gender a person is going to take the lead, you have to have that discussion first.

and so I'm going to follow her. When it comes to working out, I follow her. She's the one who's like setting the paces to like, all right, you know, when I met her, I didn't even work out. Its played a bit of sport or whatever. And she was the one saying, no, no, no, it's really great for us to be active and do this together.

should we do this? Where should we invest? I'm leading that conversation, and I think it's beautiful because there's leading and following across all these different areas and all of a sudden, it's like you're both playing to your strengths. You both feel valuable, you both feel significant, and you both feel like you get to rely on the other person, which is beautiful, which is what you want. And I think it's yell.

And by the way, this isn't perfect. We're constantly playing with it, like there will constantly something like I want you to this because I don't.

to each other now. It's just our desire is superseding the code that your partner is trying to suggest to you of I'm not ready, I'm not sure.

that were in the floorboards. It was an old home, so you'd hear like animals rustling around like it was just one of those homes where I always felt uncomfortable and anxious, and so I don't think I slept well for one and a half years, where I would be living in fight or flight every night, thinking what if someone's in my house? And that is not a comfortable feeling. And so I kept pushing. I was like, rah, the I need to get out of here. I need to get out. And she loved at home, so she couldn't

get it. She was just like, this place is beautiful, and I'm like, yeah, it's beautiful during the day, but at night. Trust me, I'm not really anxious here and I'm not really an anxious sleeper.

But it was really interesting, how like, even though there was a bit of conflict and friction, I still knew I had to lead, But I knew I didn't have to lead by like trying to convince her or make her feel bad for not understanding me, or because I could sense it wasn't that she didn't understand me, or she wasn't listening to me, or maybe there was a bit of that we just weren't getting it, if that makes sense.

but that's where your value system was. Then colliding because she feels like I've made a house out of this value system. I'm not getting what I need. I can't work, I don't have the mindset value system. So actually what was happening is your value systems were colliding, but you're not talking about the value. You're talking about the house. Yes, yes, And so that becomes that even with the kids thing, it's like, okay, we the person that wants to delay

the children, what's your value system there? I haven't gotten to where I want to in my career, and my career right now is super important, and maybe the person is my value system. I've always wanted a family, and so I value family over business. So now you can see one person's valuing business over family, the other person's valuing family over business, and you're colliding, but you're not actually talking about the thing. You're just talking about the kids,

But it's actually about the value system that's colliding. The silly example that I learned this lesson with Tom was over making the bed. I was like, what do you mean you don't make the bed? Of course you make the bed. It was like the thing I was taught my whole life. And Tom was like, no, I won't make the bed, and we would collide. I'm like, you don't get it in these and so he would get frustrated every time I would make the bed because he's like, I have to unmake the bed now. I'm like, it

takes three seconds. And I was dismissing and mocking him, if I'm going to be very honest, thinking he was wrong that of course you make that. What kind of person doesn't. And I was literally putting my value system on him until we started to date. What does making the bed mean to you? And to me, it was about neatness. It was about calm. I have ADHD, so I need those moments of calmness around me. I need things to be neat in order for me to be centered. But I didn't say that. I said I need the

bed to be made. For him, his value system is time, He's like, it's the one thing I'll never get back. And so if you ask me to do something that doesn't actually align with the vision of what I want my future to be, don't like you're asking me to be someone I'm not. So his value system is time. My value system is tidiness. And so you can see in just that silly thing of making the bed. We freaking collide and how many people couples do that every

single day over small little things. And what ends up happening is that oxytocin that you had when you first started dating is no longer there, and all you have are these collisions dating.

my life, never seen her just be so consistent. You know how much work it takes. You know, Look, we're sitting here talking about radical confidence. One year on, right and one year on dude. Two years, yeah, two years on of radical confidence. And you know how much work goes into this book. I know how much you poured into this book. This was your first ever book, and I said to Radi. I said to her, I said, you know what, Riley, like, we've been together now for

eleven years. We've celebrated a lot of things, but you've never had a book out. So I don't know how you want to celebrate this because not every celebs the same, Like you don't celebrate a birthday, how you celebrate an anniversary, and how you celebrate Christmas. They're different celebrations. And so I was asking and checking in with it, and I was like, I actually don't know what you'd like to do in order to like make this moment feel special. And she we were on a hike and she just

said to me. She goes, oh, we just celebrated last night.

up or whatever, which is what I would do. And I was just thinking about that, and I was like, it's so interesting to me that her value of celebration is that, and my value around celebration is totally different. But again, so many couples and relationships can go wrong because we're constantly either celebrating the person we love or we're criticizing the person we love based on our value system. And now all we're talking about is the criticism or

the celebration and not talking about the value. Yeah, And it's fascinating to me that it works both ways, whether it's a good thing or a bad thing, because sometimes you do something something nice for your partner and they don't appreciate it, and you're like, why don't you appreciate it? Because that's not what I appreciate, it's not what I value.

looking like what do you mean? How many times? And then what happens in that moment, You feel unappreciated for having tried to show up and do something amazing. She doesn't feel seen or heard. So now this whole thing, this act that you've done to try and really show her, doesn't achieve anything. You and her both feel badly. And then again you almost like look at the other person like you're wrong or you're crazy or how could you

have done this? And so the idea of just just asking and like remove all the idea of what we've been taught of like if they love me, they should know and just say ultimately, I want them to feel what I want them to feel loved. I want them to feel seen. Okay, how do they do that? I sometimes don't know, let me just ask. So one of the things. Actually, so I stopped being stay home wife.

I stopped cooking for Tom. We laid out all of our things of how we want to show up for each other, and we changed and grow, or we both change and grow. Since then, so only last year Tom turned around to me and he said, you know what, babe, like, I feel like I have a need that's unmet right now. I was like, oh my god, what's the need, babe? And he's like, I actually now miss that you don't cook for me.

it for you? Or can I leave it out on the doorstep and just text you it's here? And he's like, well if you can put it on like my kitchen counter, like his little side and he's like that way I know. It's like cool. Now I've heard you. I don't have to assume I now don't have to go straight into oh my god, he's now asking me to cook. I don't want to cook. I went there. I was that person. I don't want to get tracked. No, none of that. We just broke it down bit by bit of understanding

what exactly that need looks like. Now here's the other part. Maybe I'm not willing to do it, And in that moment, I just would have said, right now, that actually doesn't fit my lifestyle of what I need to show up. So how do we find a compromise. Is there a compromise or is it Sorry, I'm unable to do it, but what if I do it for three weeks on a holiday? Right now? Come up with ways that you're

not just shutting the other person down. You're hearing their needs and they feel heard that you're trying to find a solution because ultimately, I think not to just stereotype, but typically I think women want to feel seen, they want to feel safe, they want to feel needed, and they want to feel appreciated. It's not the money, it's not the height that a lot of people are saying

they need to be six foot and then seven figures. No. No, If you really do stop and pause and ask your partner how they can feel those roles, then you can start to actually create a beautiful relationship on the long term. And then the same for a guy. Obviously I don't know, and I'd love to hear your thoughts, but I've tried to process. What is it that I think a guy needs. They want to feel appreciated, they want to feel powerful, not controlling powerful, and they want to be respected.

in alignment. And when you've been together for twenty three years, I may him when I was twenty one, We've built multiple companies together, So how the hell have we been able to stay so aligned. It's these little things that people may be embarrassed to do, maybe shamed to do, or they don't want to do it.

can you even ask me to do that? You know how hard that was for me, not realizing it's just a suggestion, it's just an idea, It's coming from a good It's that space that I think we've been talking about today is can you kind of create a safe space to have these uncomfortable conversations without any shame or guilt, right, And.

not be able to respond. Now, think of all the hurdles and humps that we've been through in our relationship. How have we survived those because we are open to having the hard conversations. We're open to communicate and endlessly until we get to the solution. One of the rules, So Tom and I have had a bunch of rules. One of the rules is never apologize if you don't

mean it. And even in the moments of I'm deeply upset, he absolutely can say, baby, I know if I just apologize to you right now, I know that you're going to feel better. But I can't apologize because I'm not sorry for it. And what that does is that absolutely elongates the conversation, the argument. It may go now now, for two days, three days, but ultimately we're not brushing it under the rug. We actually resolve it and go, Okay, I'm still very hurt, but let me actually work through

that hurt. Why am I hurt? Why was I triggered? Why did you say that? You know? And then we just peel away the onion, peel away the onion to get to that core. But it all comes from that growth mindset. And if you don't have it, no matter how much you discuss it, you're going to hit a wall where you cannot be seen or hurt.

is a big part of this book. Breaking through your beliefs, building that growth mindset is all inside this book called Radical Confidence. If you didn't get grab a copy two years ago. Make sure you grab a copy right now. If you don't already subscribe to and watch Women of Impact, make sure you go.

so real. And I love having these really pragmatic, practical conversations around topics that can be very ethereal and uncomfortable and woo woo and kind of a bit like oh, you know, and to be honest manipulative and controlling, like oh, if you want him to do this, do this, if you want her to And it's almost like you actually can't get anyone to do anything. All you can do is all you can do is accept them for who

they are or not. And I think when we're having these conversations, I'm really hoping that everyone walks away with an understanding of what type of quality of interaction and conversation to have with the individual. And the growth mindset point is in a relationship is huge, huge, because adaptability and flexibility is at the core of anything long term, and I've seen that with me and Raley too.

tough time. I really believe it will give them the tools and the resources that they need to navigate and guide them through. And of course go and grab your copy of Radical Confidence. It's available in paperback right now. Thanks so much everyone. Thanks Lisa than Say. If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with doctor Daniel Ahman on how to change your life by changing your brain.