¶ Intro
Toxic people are consistent, you know, That's the beautiful thing about them. They never change.
What should be a deal breaker in dating.
My BS eliminator is having that straightforward conversation from day one, and if the man runs away, he's not ready for a serious relationship.
What do you think is the difference between someone who wants a relationship and someone who needs a relationship.
If I need you, that means I am operating from love? Are you what you're trying to manifest? Because you cannot attract what you're not.
Hey, everyone, welcome back to on Purpose, the place you come to become a happier, healthier and more healed. Today's guest is going to dive into the topic that I know is on your hearts and minds the most love, dating relationships, the part of our life that brings so much joy that equally can create so much pain. Today's guest is someone I've been excited to have on the show. I finally have her in the hot seat. Her name is Sarah al Madani. She's an entrepreneur author who transformed
her own pain into powerful guidance for others. Sara is known for exposing the hidden patterns of toxic relationships. If you've ever felt confused, controlled, or disconnected from yourself, Sara will help you understand why and teach you to identify narcissistic behavior, break trauma bonds, and heal the parts of you that were taught to settle for less. If you don't follow Sara on social media already, I know you will after this episode, and if you're interested, you can
grab her copy of Dear Narcissist. This is the book that I want you to go and grab. We'll put the link in the comments and we'll be talking about it throughout the episode. Please welcome to On Purpose Sarah Madani. Sarah, it is great to have you here.
I've manifested this on my birthday. So on my birthday I was like, I'm going to be on Jay's show, and here i am.
When was your birthday?
Twentieth of jam that's amazing.
And that was this year you had this vision.
Yeah, yeah, and everyone was like, oh, you're crazy. I'm like, no, it's because I'm a manifestor so I knew it was going to happen, and here it is.
I love that. Well. I've wanted to have you on for a long time. I'm on. So it just was waiting for you to manifest because I've been wanting to have you on. I've been following you for years, and I've always stopped to listen to what you have to
¶ The One Question to Ask Before Dating
say because I think there have been so many moments where I've just found, Oh, this is the right thing to send to someone, and this is the right thing that's going to resonate with someone. And so I'm a big fan of yours and I love the work you're doing. I love the way in which you do it. You
also have the coolest style. So there's so many things I want to talk about today, but the first thing I want to talk about is right now we're experiencing all of our listeners, and I'm sure you experience this. People feel lonely, they feel disconnected, they feel like they want love in their life. They want to find the right person, they want to find the right partner. What should someone be asking themselves before they start dating.
It's an understatement of we know how people say I want this kind of guy or that kind of girl. I want to manifest this kind of love or that kind of love. The true question that a lot of people don't actually look deep into is are you what you're trying to manifest? If you want a successful man, you successful. If you want a kind loving man, are you kind and loving? If you want hardworking person, are you the things you want to get? Because you cannot
attract what you're not. And I think this is something that people don't pay attention to. They just don't want to put in the work. They just want to get it easy. But that's not how life works, because in the end, you will attract who you are from the insight. So if you're broken, you will attract broken people. I used to think I don't hurt anybody. I'm such a nice person. I'm making money, I'm working hard. You know, I'm a single mom. Life is great. I don't have traumas.
I've been through a helen back, but I'm okay now. But I want someone good. And every time I went out there and I opened my heart, I attracted something bad, not knowing that the reason I attracted bad things is because even though trauma sometimes is not loud, it's hiding, but it crawls around in situations and shows up as triggers or like in your decisions or choices you take and This is where good people don't understand that even if you're good, you still need to do the work.
Even if you're good, you still need to be whoever you want to attract. So I think that's something people don't want to look deep into.
I really appreciate that distinction. I'd never thought about it like that. Really, Yeah, like what you just said that people are good people and they're wondering why bad things
¶ Are You Looking for Love or Filling a Void?
happen to them or why they end up with the wrong partner or the wrong person. And I couldn't agree with you more that. I think that when you're doing that work, you naturally set better standards, and you naturally don't deal or accept less than you deserve. Because if you're already happy, successful, organized, joyful, ambitious, whatever those qualities are,
you know what it takes to be that. And so now when you meet someone, that person can either match your energy or they're going to show where their gap is. And it becomes really relevant. What do you think is the difference between someone who wants a relationship and someone who needs a relationship?
Look, once comes from abundance, it means that I have nothing missing. I want you for who you are. I'm content happy, I'm fulfilled. I don't need anything from you. There's no hidden agenda. But if I need you, that means I am operating from lack. So there is a hidden agenda. It means that, Okay, maybe I want to be with you because you make me happy. Maybe I want to be with you because you financially fulfill me. Maybe I want to be with you for whatever reason
it is. Need is not a good reason to obtain something to I shouldn't need you, I should want you. I always try to teach people this, and it's hard because we've been taught growing up that we need love, and we need and we need to be in a relationship, we need kids, we need all of these things, but we actually don't. We're here to experience life. Whether love or children is part of the experience great, whether it's not. You should be content with yourself only when you are
content and you don't need anybody. This is when you actually bond with someone and you purely love them. But if you need them, it's like there's always a hidden agenda, and once that need is fulfilled, you feel like you're disconnected from them because you didn't really want to be
¶ What Are Your Dating Non-Negotiables?
with them. From the get go, you just needed some thing from them. So this is why I always say, be whoever you want a date, be whoever you need for yourself, and then go out there and get whatever you want. It's hard because we've been programmed all our life not to think like that. So imagine after thirty something years, I'm trying to change the way I think. Neuroscience they say neuropaths can be created in twenty one days, so you can. It's not impossible. We just have to
remove the limiting belief. And that's the hardest part.
What's a dating non negotiable you have today that would shock your younger self? What has changed for you that you would have negotiated with before.
When I was younger, And I think a lot of people agree. I thought mysterious men were so sexy. I thought the more mystery, the more beautiful it is the more But now now if I could look at my younger self and I go like, that's unattractive. Clarity is attractive. Mystery and not understanding where you stand with someone or who they are, what they do, it's not attractive. It's actually such a turn off because it shows you the person is not aligned and the person is not a
leader and not transparent and honest. That's something like five books in myself. Every time I used to see a guy who's mysterious, I'm like, oh my god, that's so hot. Now it's like, oh, our biggest red flag ever. Is there a part of you that's still like I killed every part of me that wanted that.
So No, but it's important to reflect back like that because I think we can all remember a past version of ourself and how we were either trained or conditioned to be attracted to a certain type of person, and how that changes over time as you grow and you mature. And that's proof of what you just said, that you date who you are or who you become totally because you're saying, oh, as I've grown, my taste has changed. Yeah.
I think we've all experienced that in different areas of our life, that as we grew older, as we matured, as we became wiser, our taste changed in so many things. So why not in people? But it feels like we keep going back to the same people for.
So many years before doing the inner work and all that my taste was changing as in like looks wise, height, twise, whatever, they do in life wise, but it was still the same man in different bodies.
That's it.
So it was the same toxic traits. I think it's because we attract what's familiar to us. They say, better the devil I know than the angel. I don't know, right, because I know how to deal with the devil. I know where ends. I know this is not forever. I know the hurt and the pain that comes with it. This is why I kept on going to what's familiar. I remember when I finished doing the inner work and finished my healing, I was like, even looking at pictures
of my axes, I'm like, what was I thinking? But it's trauma bonding. So a lot of people might think, oh no, I was in love. I really love reflecting on old relationships, and I would love people to also sit and reflect on their old relationships after doing the work. Do this game where you put their names and you're right, why were you attracted to them? And you realize where were you? Trauma bonding and only when you can pinpoint these things is where you grow Jay. Because a lot
of us we threw ourselves into healing. It's like walking into a supermarket and saying I want to bake a cake?
¶ Chemistry Is Not the Same as Compatibility
Can you help me? It's like, what cake do you want to bake? I need to give you the right ingredients. So when people go to do the inner work, they just throw themselves into healing, not knowing what are they healing from? Where did this all start, what's the root of it all? So people don't go so deep. They just want to heal the surface. My last relationship, the relationship before. But all of this starts away from childhood.
Doesn't start from a relationship, right. I mean, it's an entangled thing to do the inner work, but it's not easy, but it's such a fulfilling, rewarding thing to do.
What's the difference in your mind between compatibility and chemistry.
Chemistry is tricky because I cannot depend on chemistry because it's hormonal. It's endorphins, you meet somebody, excitement. Last year I learned that when you're nervous on a date, or when you're feeling all these things, it's actually a red flag. It means your nervous system is not calm. It's trying to tell you something. But the movies and they taught us that to interpret them as butterflies, and they're the
right one, and that's how it should feel like. A friend of mine once told me quote that actually made me sit at home for hours and think about my life so much. He told me, don't look for a firecracker, look for a fireplace. Firecrackers when you have all these butterflies in your stomach and that's not a good thing. You should look for a fireplace. The boring guy, the calm guy. That's your guy, you know. And it took me time to realize that. But chemistry is tricky because
it might be misleading. Compatibility is more sexy for me, and it's more long lasting. I treat relationships as business, so a business partner that has so much money, or an investor and they have so many companies. Chemistry very attractive. But if there's no compatibility in the way we think are ethics and morals, I'm investing my money and I'm throwing everything out down the drain because it's not going
to go anywhere. It's not a good investment. I look at compatibility, and if there's compatibility, chemistry can come later. I don't need to have chemistry from the get go. I don't know if you noticed, if you ever watched movies where you were like, what the main character and you're like, they don't look that good, and then halfway through the movie you're like, oh my god, they're so hot. It's because you fell in love with the character in the movie, right, But it just shows your chemistry can
be delayed. It's not a prerequisite.
Yeah. I love the fireplace and firecracker analogy because I feel like it's all about the feeling you get from being in that person's presence. And when you said that, I was thinking, a fire place can actually be beautiful. It's not boring at all, and it makes you feel warm, and it has this sense that you want to be around it, Like if you see a nice fireplace, you usually want to go sit next to it. You have beautiful conversations while it's there, like you're really present around
the fireplace. True, because if you think about a firecracker, you crack it for one moment, you experience it, and then it's over and it's done. Love is almost like I want to see that person first thing in the morning, and I want to be around them at the end of the day. I want to see them when I have the best news to share. And I love that they're there for me when the worst thing's happening, and totally I can't wait to home to them. And at the same time, I'm really excited when I see them
¶ What Does Inner Work Actually Look Like?
every day. Like it's so much more about peace and comfort and warmth, which the five place versus this quick big bang. No one ever says that about love, Like when you really talk about someone you love, even if it's a family member or a friend, you don't really talk about it in that way, but we do with love. Yeah, you keep talking about the inner work, and you mentioned it a few times already. What is inner work? Because people throw themselves into it, as you said, or a
relationship whatever. But I think also people throw that word around. We just say, oh, do the inner work, but what is in a work?
The word inner work and healing is trending like kale and avocado and macha, you know what I mean. Everybody has a tattoo of it or it's on their bio on Instagram. But as cute as it is seeing that growing and there's like this whole culture and everybody's talking about it, it's so important to live, not to exist, And if you're not doing the inner work, you're just existing.
What is the inner work? The inner work is going deep down inside removing all the masks that life and society and everything you went through had to put on your face, and you lost your identity throughout the way. Doing the inner work is removing mask by mask, mask by mask until you finally reach who you truly are. So basically, who are you before people told you who to be, how to be, or what to be? Who are you really before this conditioning? And I always say,
we are born with blueprints. My name is Sarah, that's my religion, this is my family, that's my country, this is what I eat. This is wrong, this is right. So I'm born already with a blueprint. Who am I beyond that blueprint? Who am I beyond that?
Yes? And no?
And this is wrong? And this is the curiosity I want people to have. And the only way to find the light is to clean the corridor. And if the corridor is messy and there's trauma and there's all these things. Can you live in life without doing the inner work? You can? But I don't call it living. I call it existing because there is much more to life after healing, Like the grass is greener where healing is the inner work. How do you do it? It doesn't matter how do
you do it. Some people go to therapists, some people do hitno therapists. Some people do plant medicines, some people do whatever it takes to find your way back home? And what is home?
Home? Is you?
This body?
You know?
I used to hear it all the time. I never understood it until I sat down and went deep spiritually. When people say we are a fragment of God, like my soul is a piece of God. Therefore this body is a temple, I always thought it was a metaphor a metaphor beautiful by God? How beautiful is this saying? Until I realize, oh crap, God does live inside this temple, and this is the temple. So now I'm more careful about where I take this temple, Who touches this temple,
who gets in this temple? How I treat this temple? Because it's like, where are you dragging God to? I want people to go deep. I want them to be curious. I want them to declutter, to remove all the darkness so they can find the light. And the light is to go back home, back home to this and this is not home until you remove everything that's distracting you, everything that's in the way of the light. But I cannot pinpoint one thing. Jane tell you this is the
recipe to hear. No, whatever you're doing, as long as you're doing it, just go out there and try.
I appreciate that take on in or work. It's before the world told you who you are, what you are, yeah, why you should be. And it's so true. I think about that all the time of how many of our values are adopted and inherited versus chosen. Yeah, and so many relationships don't work out because you have an inherited value and your partner has an inherited value and you both don't even care about that value, but you both
¶ The First Step Toward Healing
believe in it because it came from each other's parents. And now here you are dealing with someone else's inherited problem. And it's almost like an inherited disease where you end up having something and now it's affecting your life today. Yeah, but you didn't get to choose. But with your values, you actually get to choose. You actually get to decipher whether they or not. And it almost feels easier and more comfortable not to do in a work. What was the first step of in a work that you did.
What did you see when you started to do it?
All my life, I've been in five relationships. Okay, two of them were marriages that didn't work out, and I was just confused the first marriage, the second marriage, the relationship after that, and after that, I was like, there's something weird because I feel like I'm with a different men, but I feel like I'm with the same men. And I didn't understand anything about narcissism or toxic relationships back then. I didn't have a lot of information online and podcasts
and all that and awareness. When you're curious, you go deep, like you enter the rabbit hole, and I was like, what's happening here? Instead of me focusing on oh my god, they're bad, they're this pointing the finger and being a victim all the time, which a lot of us do because it's comfortable to be a victim. I didn't hurt anybody. They hurt me. Look at me. I'm the broken one. I realized being a victim does not serve me, does
not make me grow, doesn't get me in anywhere. And only when I started pointing the finger on myself because it takes two to tango. Where did I go wrong? What did I do? Where's my contribution to this? Because I need to grow out of this? And only then I started looking at my life differently and like looking into healing. My journey started with some therapy I just did not like after every therapy session, the therapist would like, see you next week, see you next week, see you
next week. I'm like, but I feel like I need you now. I feel like I'm depending on you. How am I learning? And I'm a very stubborn personality ever since I was a kid, so I was always curious and asking questions. So I was like, why see you next week? See you next week? It was a bit expensive. I was young, I had my own business at that time. Insurance did not cover that. So I was like, why do I keep going back? And then I was like, okay, let me now that the therapist pinpointed what's wrong, let
me move to something else. So I went to hitno therapy. And after hitnotherapy, I went into spiritual healing, and I went into meditation, and I went into this and this and tried so many things. This is why I'm trying to tell you. If if you tell me which one of them worked. I tell you all. So there is no right recipe or a location map I can drop you so you can come to the healing space. It's anything you try, anything you do for yourself is valid
and can help you in some way. And once your heart is open to that topic or that journey, everything comes to you like people call me up, Hey, you want to go to this retreat, and then this post comes online. It's like Instagram's algorithm. You know when you go on your for you page on Instagram. If I want to know Jay, all I have to do is go on your for you page and I would know exactly what type of person you are because of the algorithm.
Similar thing with the universe. Whatever you think, whatever you believe, it becomes your algorithm. You attract it, just like instagram for you page. Once you set your goal and your mind to do the inner work the way, it just shows up. Once you start walking, just the way shows up.
The number one thing you said in your answer that resonate really deeply was in a work started the moment you stopped pointing the finger outwards and took responsibility. I think that is the definition of the first phase of inn work is being able to say, this is where I'm responsible for my own pain, this is where I'm responsible for my own suffering, this is where I'm responsible for my own choices. And that's not saying you're taking the blame. I think the word blame is bad both ways.
You don't want to blame anyone else, but you definitely don't want to start blaming yourself. And so when you
¶ How to Raise Your Relationship Standards
can take responsibility and accountability, now you can actually make progress because now you've transformed life from what you can't control to what you can control. You can control what you do and what you did, and how you behave and what your beliefs are. And you can't control how someone treats you, no matter how good you are, but you can decide how long you tolerted and how long you accept it for how does someone today set their standards?
You have to first understand what are you okay with? And I think the biggest blessing in my life was not knowing what I wanted knowing what I did not want, because that gave me so much clarity. Because when you do the healing and you do the work, it's like you're meeting yourself for the first time. So I remember, I took time away from people so I can get to know myself. I used to know the old me. How she reacts, how she thinks. After the healing, I'm like, okay,
so what does she do now? How should she react now? So it's like a blank page and you get to meet who you are and you get to mold her to the best version or him to the best version. I feel like boundaries and how you set the tone or what's okay with you? What's not? What do you want what's not? It all depends on you. It depends on your expectation of life. How do you value relationship, what you look at, what do you want the most? Like what is your love language? So it differs from
person to another. For example, I don't think love is a feeling, okay, because like children when they're born, they're pure. They love everything, animals, they love everything. They don't need you to provide to be successful. They don't need you to have a label or anything. It's like love is God's language, so we're born with it. It's natural. It's like even if I meet someone in the street, I don't need to know you to love you. I love you on a certain level, right. But for me, love
in a relationship is a decision. It's a decision to stick to the person whether things get hard or not. That's why they say in sickness and health and rich and poor, that all these things, because it's a decision. If I decide to be with you, whether things are the way I want or not, I have to stick to my decision. Similar to if I've invest in a business, I cannot right now as a CEO and an investor, say I don't feel like going to work today, You can't.
You don't show up. It dies you don't show up, people vote you out. You don't show up, things don't work out. Similar to how you feed energy into a business, marriage relationship is a business. If you don't show up every day, it's not going to work. It's like bread. You have to bake it fresh every morning otherwise it's not gonna work. And people also comfortable in relationships. They feel like, Okay, once I got the kids, once I
got married, I don't need to put the work. And then they complain, Oh, what's the secret to a long relationship? How come your marriage is working?
In mind?
Is not it's because George Jenna, the same amount of energy you put into your business and to your work, put it into your relationship. It's as simple as that. It's an investment. It's definitely a decision because emotions go up and down. Like have you ever felt like you know you love your parents to death? Right, but sometimes you feel like you just can't stand them. You want you just want to mom get away from me, you know,
¶ Don't Ignore These Dating Deal-Breakers!
not today? But I love her, Which means if my relationship depends on my feelings, one day, I'm up, one day I'm down. It fluctuates. Emotions are unsteady. But if I made a decision, whether I'm feeling it or not, I will show up because I made that decision. So love is a decision. It's beyond an emotion.
I feel like people have deal breakers in dating right now? Yeah, what do you think is a healthy way of knowing what a deal breaker is? Or what is a deal breaker in dating? What should be a deal breaker in dating?
A deal breaker? Okay, let me explain to you how I date first. Yeah, so from the get go, I sit down. I do not waste your time or mine out of respect for both. Right, So I'll sit with the guy, and I'll be very honest. I say, listen, I'm forty next year. Okay, I don't have time. I've been married twice. I'm a single mom. I want to settle down. I don't know how long I'm fertile for. Okay, so I want to start a family. What do you want? And the thing is a lot of men run away
because they think I'm saying I want that with you. No, no, no, I don't want that with you. I just met you. I don't want that with you. I want that in the future, whether it's with you or with someone else. So bs eliminator is having that straightforward conversation from day one, you know. And if the man runs away, then he's a boy. He's not ready for a serious relationship. Because even if he didn't want this, you can still sit
and have an honest conversation about it. Right, If he sits and talks about it, I'm like, Okay, there's potential there. He's mature enough to hold a heavy conversation like this. I believe in honesty from the get go. I believe in in transparency. I don't believe in wasting your time or mine, three four or five dates, dinners and all that. Why why am I going through all of this? The
only thing I can take back is time. And because I have respect for the person in front of me, whether I'm interested in them or not, as a human being, I respect them. I am being honest to respect them in return as well. And if that works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But for me, deal breakers in a relationship is, for example, on a date, a guy who doesn't want to have a serious conversation, an
honest conversation, that's a deal breaker. Someone who is, for me, someone who's like comfortable and not ambitious as a huge deal breaker. Someone who is in their toxic masculine as in like they want to show off, they want to put their voice louder, they want to treat people bad, just to be more masculine, but on the toxic side. And you know, toxic masculinity, you can smell it, you know, day one. And then narcissistic people like this is like my, I.
Think, how do you know that?
First of all, it's the eyes. All narcissists have one thing in their eyes. It's undeniable. I don't know if you've ever been with a narcist, or had a friend that's a narcist. It's like their eyes give it away.
Interesting.
I'm going to give you a theory that I talk about in my book. I'm not sure if it's real or not, but somehow, deep down inside of me, I'm so convinced it's true. Do you believe that we live in a simulator?
Right? That's an interesting taste.
I mean, not a simulator. This is this is an experience. We can name it anything in the simulator. How does it get more interesting? How do I learn if everyone's good, if everyone's life is easy and all that. So I feel like, just like when I'm playing PlayStation you know, have you ever played like for example, Brent Theft Oil or whatever. Right, you've seen the MPCs around. They are
real people, but they're not real people. They're just bodies to describe you, to make the game more interesting for you. Looking into a narcissist's eyes.
Okay, like looking at MPCs.
I feel like they're not human. I feel like they're MPCs. I feel like they're just bodies put on earth to make the experience harder so you can learn.
But they're not real.
I don't know, like I bet you anything. Anyone listening to this, they go like, oh my god, yes, that's so true. They're dead inside. There's no soul inside of them. There's no empathy, there's no soul, there's nothing. Even their brain scans are different. Like it's like, I feel like they're not real. I feel like they're just here as obstacles for us to grow and learn. I mean, that's that's that's my theory.
No, I love the theory, but learn. It's just that I've never heard someone say it's amazing, it's amazing.
It's the first time for everything.
Yeah, it's amazing.
But also easy giveaway is their behavior or their body language. But for me, the first thing is the eye. Sometimes even the shape of the eye, for example, if the pupil's too small, so the space between the white space is too big. It can also be like a dead eye and narcissic dead eye.
So you're just there staring at people's eyes trying to figure them out.
I don't need to stare at you. You know what's crazy. I smell them when they're sitting somewhere. I think I've done so much research and been through so much that I've like asted.
I can usually tell how I feel about someone's energy
¶ Knowing When It's Time to Leave
from the words they use and how they speak.
That can give its usually.
For me, like as someone who I consider myself quite intuitive, and I feel like when I sit with someone, I can very quickly figure out how I feel about their energy. And but to me, a lot of it's based on words we used, the things we talk about, how people you know, and so I'm using a lot more information that they're giving me. And then there's a general body I agree with you on, like body language, body posture, all of that kind of stuff as well.
Which is next time look at the eyes I will.
Now I'm going to start. So today you help people with dating. You've written a book called the a narcisis like you're talking to people about their relationship. You talk to people about in a work. How did you know in both of your marriages it was time to leave.
When it's abusive physically, mentally, emotionally. Yeah, when you go through that and you tolerate it for a while, one day you wake up and you're like, what's going on? Like, what the hell is this? This is not okay, this is not what life is about. And then you look at at the relationships around you and you're like, no, no, something is off. This became the norm. But then one day you'd wake up and say, no, this still doesn't feel normal, although it happens every day. I have to
put my ego aside to understand the whole situation. Why do I say ego Because in our culture and our upbringing, you know how they say the is not the best thing right, it's front upon, even if I'm from the Middle East, even in the West, it's front upon. So people sticking marriages and relationships because they fear what the outside would say about them, or she failed in the relationship, and you know, sadly women get the blame most of
the time. My ego made me stay longer than I should because I was like, well will the family say? What will the people say? And then, especially in the second marriage, when the same story started happening all over again, I was like, oh my god, what do I do? Now? Do I get divorced? And people say she's done it twice? My ego was now my m ego at that time, and it made me stay longer than I should.
Did you stay longer in the first one, the second one?
First one? Yeah, second one was nine months, which is great because I already started doing some inner work, but the first one was almost dating in marriage thirteen years.
It's heartbreaking because I think also there's the ego part, but then it also seems like there's the part of not feeling worthy of more. Yeah, that's there too. There's the go of what will people say? But you're basically saying I would rather accept this than people saying bad things about me.
Yeah, that was also my case. It's like people pleaser, you know. I just want to be loved by everybody and chosen by everybody. I want everyone to see me in the best image ever. But that's zero authenticity. Yes, I did this because I wanted to make sure everyone is okay. And then I realized that everyone was okay except me. And this is when I was like, no, some people they don't mind having a war internally to maintain the peace on the outside, you know, and I
don't want that. I used to go home have a war internally every day, but on the outside I maintained the piece. Now it's the complete opposite. I'd rather burn everything around as long as I have inner peace. But all of that, why didn't you walk away, Why did you care about what people say? Your ego, blah blah. All of this comes to one conclusion, lack of self love. It's as simple as that. If I loved myself respected myself, I would have never been in those marriages. I would
have never been in these relationships. But at the same time, I'm so grateful and thankful because they were my teachers as well. Whoever hurt me was my master, was my teacher. And I have a beautiful son that came out of it. If you ever tell me, if I give you a magic wand and I'll take you back and you can rewrite your story, I would rewrite it the same exact story all over again. I would not even change one inch of it because then I wouldn't be sitting right
here in front of you. So I am the woman
¶ The Cost of Staying in a Toxic Relationship
I am today because of what I went through. There's a quote that I love so much. It says you cannot break someone who sees beauty and everything, even pain. So a lot of people think they broke you, But for me, pain is a teacher. It either makes you bitter or better, So you can't break me. If I find beauty, even in the ugliest darkest places. That's what I live by every day. And darkness is where everything starts. A baby in the womb, a seed underground, it all
starts in darks. So instead like of people thinking, oh my god, we got the best of her, no, you created the best of me. I'll comeing. You know, I'll take whatever you gave me and I'll create something way more beautiful for the world.
What's your message to men and women who are in toxic relationships right now?
My message is that I've been there, and I know it's not easy to leave. I know it's not easy to understand, and I know there's a cloud on top of your head. And no matter what we tell you, you're not going to listen. And sometimes the best gift you can give someone is to let them suffer so they can learn. But if I can give you any piece of advice, is that remaining in that toxic relationship or remaining in that place is slowly killing you. Day
by day. You're losing yourself. Let's say you're going to live until you're seventy. We're talking about seventy winters, seventy summers, you know, seventy autumns. That's not a lot. Every single day wasted is day wasted. You are deserving of a new story. You are deserving of rewriting your story. You are the captain of the ship. You are the director
of the movie. Rewrite your story. The endings like people are always scared of ending things, you know, but endings are so beautiful because it's an opportunity to start something completely new. And I want them not to be scared of going out there and fighting for the life they deserve instead of sitting behind the window and watching their life pass by. I wish, I wish, I wish what if? I why?
Why? What if?
Just go out there and do it. It will upset and piss a lot of people off when you live your life the way you want. But guess what, you're not here to please anybody. You're you weren't born with the permission slip that needs a signature. You don't need this or that or him or her to approve anything. The only approval, the only signature you need is from yourself.
So the thing is a lot of people want to be free, but they don't understand that freedom is freeing the mind and what They also don't understand that the key to that cage is in their hand, always waiting for others to open it for them. No, go out there, rewrite your story. I have a sister and a brother, and my sister's not married. My brother just got married. And I was sitting with my mom and I said, Mom,
I'm thinking of getting married again. She's like, don't you ever dare to even say that two weddings is more than enough. Your sister's not even married. You have cousins that I even stop it. Leave them alone, Leave them alone in her mind, God bless her soul. She you know, based on culture and all that and everything. She's like, you've done it twice. You make money, Go live your life with your kid now. But I don't want to live my life the way my mom expects me to live,
or my society expects me to live. If I have to get married ten times and get divorced, so be it. And I always tell my parents. When I die and
¶ Finding the Courage to Walk Away
somebody takes my story and wants to to make it a movie, it has to be a freaking good movie. That's why I'm going to keep rewriting my story over and over again. So my advice is that to anyone that's in a toxic relationship. I dare you to go out there. I dare you to experience. I dare you to have the balls and the guts to say I'm worthy of something more than the breadcrumbs or whatever I'm getting. You deserve not to be hit. You deserve to be respected.
You deserve flowers in the morning. You deserve the bare minimum that you beg for. You deserve this on a daily base. My advice is just this for them, Just go out there. You know, I have the courage to live life, not just to exist.
How did you find that strength when you're in that painful position, because it's almost like when you're on the receiving end of any form of abuse, you feel like you're weakest, because not only is that person beating you up sadly, but there's also you beating yourself up for accepting that. What did you do and what have you helped others? Do find that courage and give themselves that permission in that moment when it feels like it's impossible.
The anger when I was doing the healing, the anger towards myself was way bigger than the anger towards them. Because toxic people are con you know. That's the beautiful thing about them. They're shitty, and they're shitty all the time. They never change. They show you who they really are. You're the one that's agreeing to stay. So the anger towards self because I'm in this situation, I'm agreeing to stay and all that. That is what takes a toll
on your body. You asked, how did I manage to rise from all of that and everything?
You know?
Rock bottom? Rock Bottom has a basement. Have you ever heard of it? People think rock Bottom is the end. There's a basement down there. Every pain, every heartbreak, every agony is an opportunity for you to meet God. That's where I'm at God, not on rock Bottom, in the basement of rock Bottom. These hardships are an opportunity for you to meet God. And when I'm at God and fix my relationship with God and got closer and understood that relationship, then my self love journey started. A lot
of people. They remember God when they are in a bad situation. When they're in a good situation, they forget him right or for example, well, if anything goes wrong, God, why are you doing this to me? No, Martha, you chose George who was toxic. He beat you up day one. You state God has nothing to do with it. We tend to hang our mistakes on God and say call it fate. And this is what happens. When you don't
do the inner work. You will choose bad You'll go through bad things, and you always end up labeling them as faith, Oh God, oh faith, or that's my destiny. It's not your destiny. You wrote this destiny, you chose this. You're the author, you're the participant, You're all of that. This is how I got out of it is when I'm at God in rock Bottom and I felt that
deep love. Although I was in a bad situation, I felt so much love, and then I realized that I have to give that love to myself before trading it and giving it to others. And the reason why I was always broken is because I gave it to others before giving it to myself. I'm an EmPATH, but this is where empathy becomes toxic. You know, you become a toxic EmPATH. I love using this word with a lot of the people that I coach and all that I say mpath without boundaries as like a house with no doors.
Imagine just an opening without a door. Would you stay in this house?
No, definitely not.
Would you buy this house? Would you stay for long?
No?
No, it's unsafe. Right, So, people who are are full of empathy but have no boundaries or are not safe. That's why nobody stays with them. That's why no matter how much they give, people leave because they can't even put it in words. People just can't stay. You know, only when you build that door, not a wall, because a lot of people build walls, but whiles they stop bad things and good things. Build a door, open it for good, close it for bad. Build a door. Protect yourself,
protect what's in the house. If somebody enters that house, make them feel like they're safe. Show them your leadership skills and the decisions you take in life so they can trust your leading. All these things are just important.
Yeah, you were saying that you coach people today. What are the most common things people come to you with? Like, what's the thing you hear the most.
Either like love interest or auto trauma? The thing is, I'm an awakening coach. So what I do is I awaken your senses, your spirit, your healing abilities. I teach you and then I ask you to never come back to me again, because if you keep coming back, I'm failing. Like,
¶ Healing Through Your Relationship with God
this is not how it should work. I think what triggered that is my therapist. Remember how I told you the beginning. She's like, come back next week, come back next week, and I will tell my patient don't come back next week.
Don't come back.
If you come back to me. That means I'm not doing something right. It's just you awaken to show them their true powers because they should not depend on anybody. They are the healer, they are the teacher, they're the master, they're everything. But they just don't know that. You just need to show them their own powers.
You know.
We use the power of meditation, immersive experience, using sound, using vibration to show them their power, and it works most of the time. So that's how we teach them.
You talked about meeting God in the basement, yeah, of rock bottom, and that was the empowerment that you needed in order to get out of that space. What was that journey like for you? Like, talk to me about what it looked like to build a relationship with God that gave you that strength.
The relationship with God was number one to stop blaming God for everything. I have a free will, you know, and if you have a free will, a free will doesn't come with a butt. God can say, I give you free will, but I will do this is free will, your choice, your decision, your life, everything. However, our choices sometimes are pre chosen for us because I cannot choose my parents, right, So I came through the parents. The parents have the trauma, they passed the trauma, they passed
this upbringing, the teachings and all that. So I am part of a cycle.
You know.
It's like I enter the game. I'm already like part of the whole game. So fixing the relationship with God God is understanding that I cannot blame God for everything bad that happens, but I should have gratitude for God for everything good that happens, because without him accepting and seeing how hard I'm working, I wouldn't have gotten that blessing. So understanding that God is not angry. God is not waiting to punish anybody. God is full of love. We
are all his children. There's no segregation between who we are. He sees us at one Once you remove these doubts from the image people created about God, Once you remove that and you look at the divine part of who God is and how unconditional his love is, it rubs on you. You have no choice for to start loving yourself because you are a fragment of Him, and if you love him, he is inside of you. Your soul is a piece of him. You have no choice but to
start respecting and practicing self love. That was my biggest lesson ever, just fixing my relationship with God. It fixed my relationship with work, with family, with everything around me. Because if you have an idea of the creator, guess what that idea imprints on everything in life. If God punishes, how can I trust him? How can I trust her? If God is angry, of course they're angry. Of course he's beating her up. God also punishes. So it's like
understanding that I fear God. Yes, I have respect for God. If I do wrong, karma will serve me as well. Understanding the game of the universe and how life works is also important. But at the same time, I am the author of my karma. I cannot say, oh, why is this happening to me? I have to reflect on what I've done in the past that this is happening
to me. I feel like, out of everything in the universe that I've learned about how it works and all that, Karma is the most fascinating one, you know, because there
¶ What to Do When Someone Suddenly Ghosts You
is no one sitting there just watching and pressing the button for karma. It's an algorithm. You know, you do good, you get good, you do bad, you get bad. But you know how everyone says Karma's a bee, right, I don't think karma's a bee. I think Karma's very intricate. She's very smart, she's very eloquent. She knows when to come. And Karma does not fall the sheet of the table when it's empty. It pulls it when the table's full.
Sometimes it delays the response, it takes time. But I love the system of karma that we have, and it just shows you how balanced and how fair God is. Because you're the author you give, you get fixing that relationship, understanding how God works, and building that love. Just you have no choice but to love yourself. That's it, as simple as that.
I love that. I want to put you into some scenarios. These are people that I know right now dealing with dating challenges. So I'm going to ask you their scenarios. I have a friend who she was seeing this guy. They really hit it off, sparks, chemistry, everything. They're seeing each other every day for three months, and then all of a sudden, he goes cold. He doesn't want to continue to see her, and she's trying to figure out what's going on. And then a month later he's just
not interested anymore. No big breakup, no big message, no big reason, no cheating, no nothing. It's just I'm not ready for a real relationship right now. But three months of seeing each other every day, amazing relationship, great dinners, great meals, all the rest of it.
Sounds like love bombing. Okay, and I'm not gonna say he's a narcissist, but narcissists do that for three months. They have to act, pretend to be a role. Sometimes three months. Some of them are so good they can do it six months. I don't know if he's a narcissist or not, but it looks like he was love bombing her. Let's remove the narcissism out of the equation. Okay, let's just talk human language now. If he goes too
then act like you don't see him. Because ghosts are things we don't see Okay, so pretend like he doesn't exist because he just walked away after sparking your interest. I feel like it's very disrespectful when a man awakens something in a woman and suddenly decides to just disappear. Okay, to me, it's so unattractive that I wouldn't even cry about it. Don't cry over spilt milk. If he's gone, he's gone. You're worthy of much more. And thank god,
it's three months. Imagine if it happened in three years. At least you're protected, you're safe.
The language you use is so interesting when you said when man, or even in any situation, awakens something in someone else. And I think that's the painful bit. It is like, even the language you used, I was like, Yeah, that's what's so painful for this person. It's they felt this like generation of energy that was so exciting to them. Yeah. They weren't even saying forever. They were just excited about the next few steps with this person.
But I'm pretty sure if you had a conversation with her, not now, maybe in two three months, and you ask her, did you see any red flags? From the beginning, there was red flags, but guess what they were blurred with the chemistry. This is why chemistry is very tricky.
What are the red flags we miss?
For example, if you meet someone and from the get go they're like, oh my god, I want to marry you. You're the love of my life. It's like, Bro, you don't even know my middle name. You don't even know what I like to eat. You don't even know how
¶ Stop Falling in Love with Potential
do I handle stress? What if I'm evil? You don't know anything about me. I feel like when people push too much, it is sexy, it is exciting, It makes you feel wanted, and it's so beautiful. If a man doesn't push and takes it easy, we feel like, what's wrong with him? Why is he pushing faster? But it's healthy to not push fast. It's healthy to take it step by step. It's healthy to take the time as a man and a woman to look into things and
not rush. But this sounds very rushing. And also my advice to that girl is that you see that rush the guy gave her at the beginning, She should have that rush with herself. She shouldn't need a guy to give her that. I think she was just in love with the version of her that he brought out, and that version should exist anyways without him. But in the end of the day, if he goes too we can't see ghosts. So pretend like he doesn't even exist. That's it.
I love that. Yeah, I mean, I've always said I'm like, don't fall in love too fast. It's so easy to fall in love really really fast and speed things up, and you have no idea what this person's history is,
¶ You Can't Force Someone to Change
and you're planning a future, you have no idea what this person did yesterday, and you're already excited for tomorrow, and you get lost in this vision and imagination that you built over having a tiny bit of information with them. And yeah, you shouldn't fall in love to with For us, it's scary and crazy to do that.
Another mistake we do is we romanticize potential.
Tell me about that.
It's like you look at a guy and you tell your friend, hey, maybe you know, if he works harder, he'll be somebody. Maybe if he does this, he'll do that. Maybe maybe maybe maybe you're romanticizing potential. Can you look at who's in front of you and be with the person in front of you, because that's who you're getting the potential is beautiful. You're looking at it. He might never reach it. It's false hope. You're feeding yourself false information. My only advice for this is look at the person
and believe what they say and who they say. They are as simple as that.
We have this very interesting approach where we're constantly like, oh, yeah, I love everything about them apart from this one thing. I w they just work on this. And there's a part of us that's well intentioned because we're like, oh, we see this potential, we see this growth. But really what we're saying is I don't like them how they are.
Let's drop the bs. Let's just say it as if no one's listening. I wish I can change them. That's the first thing you're saying. I'm walking to this relationship. I want to change them. I want to make them the way I am, because that makes me happy. First of all, selfish, wrong intention, ill intention. The intention they want is to change somebody, and that's not what it should look like. It should be accepting someone. It should be loving them for who they are, accepting them for
they are. Actually, what makes relationships interesting is the differences we have between us. We should celebrate the differences, not dim each other's differences and try to pull each other on each other's side, like come to my side. No, in relationship, both couple have to work together to be the best version of themselves. So obviously we're expecting growth. I expect you, you expect me in a relationship to grow. It's as simple as that. Even trees grow, like we
have to grow. But to go in and say, oh my god, she wears a lot of short clothes, she clubs, I'm a change all of that. Why leave her for a man that loves her for who she is? If your intentions to change day one wrong relationship to walk in. It's as simple as that.
I completely agree. I also think that the people who end up changing people it happens by example, not by what they say.
Totally.
And I've transformed my life so much by watching my wife's habits as opposed to her telling me to do those things, because I'm so inspired by the fact that she's committed to certain habits, like I've seen her eat healthy, workout, whatever it may be. And I've learned so much just by watching her where she's not telling me to do those things. And I always feel example is the best most attractive thing. If someone just does the right thing
¶ Stop Waiting for Someone to Become Better
without making them look like the right person, it's the most attractive thing in the world because you're like, well, you just do that because you see the value in it. You're not trying to get the value of people think of you or how I perceive you. You're not trying to impress anyone. You do it because that's your commitment to it, and that's even more attractive because you don't see that that much anymore.
This is the way children are as well. Children they don't understand by what you say, no matter how much you sit and scream and tell them. They watch how you do and then they become I think all of us humans were like that. If people tell us, we become stubborn and we fight back, and we were a bit resistant. We want to remain authentic to our personality. But when you watch something and you watch how much value brings to someone's life, you slowly, you know, join them.
Yeah, whenever anyone asks me like how do I change my partner, my honest advice is just do the thing. Actually, if you do the thing, they'll do it over time because they'll see the value. If it's that valuable. Do people change?
I believe people change, But at the same time, I don't believe it's my responsibility to give enough chances until somebody changes, Like, it's not my job to wait on someone to change, because what if they don't? You know, So there is a chance there, right, and I'm not willing to take your risk. For example, Let's say I'm thirty nine now, I'm turning forty next year, and I'm with this guy and he's not even sure if he wants to be in a relationship or have kids, or
he's like, let's take a step by step. But I might not be fertile two years from now. I could have been with someone else who's ready and had a family. Right when you are with somebody and they there is like promises and all that, there is a risk. How much risk are you willing to take and for how long? It's not wrong if I say I'm sorry, I cannot be with you because I'm in a hurry for something else.
It doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me a very honest person, and I'm saving you and myself time. So I just love genuine open conversations.
I think people change a lot. I think people don't change for you, and they don't change for me, like they change when they want to change. And if someone's changing just for you, then they'll change back as quickly. I think the fear people have is, oh, gosh, I'm gonna get that person to change, and then they're going to change for the next person. Then they're going to be so good for the next person and not for me.
Okay, if I was with a guy and I've changed him, and I knew there was a chance he might be better for someone else. If I love someone, I want the best for them, and if the best for them is not with me.
You're very pragmatic.
Look, okay, your team here that works for you. Aren't you training them to be the best?
Yeah? For sure?
For one day they might leave and do a better job than what you do. Right, for sure? You don't mind that? No, I don't mind, because that's leadership. Why does leadership disappear in relationships?
Yeah, it's so true.
I want to teach my partner. I want to make them the best that even if he ends up with someone else, as long as he's happy, I'm okay.
I think that's the hardest thing in relationships because and you're so right, The business analogy makes perfect sense. There's a I can't remember, it's one of these old stories. But they asked the CEO, like, you know, so you can invest in people's training, you're going to spend all this money on them, what if they leave? And his response is, well, what if I don't train them and they stay? And he's like, that would be even worse, Like if they never get better and they still work
in my company, it's the worst better. And I think
¶ Don't Abandon Self-Love For a Relationship
that's the idea that if you're not investing in your relationship getting better, you end up staying with someone who is that you're stuck with exactly, even if they're not the right person.
But also, this idea of forever is such a scam because nothing is forever. I will die, you will die, everyone's going to die. Nothing lasts forever. And people mistaken love with possession, like they think, if I love someone, I need to own them their mine. Oh nobody can have them. That's wrong. Love should set your free. Think of it as raising a kid. If your mom was let's say so controlling because she wants to protect you, overprotective and all that, the kid gets sick. They want
to run away every now and then. So the more you are treating emotions as possessions and people as possessions, the more they want to leave. Because love is freedom. Love is guiding them to be better even if they don't end up with you, and it's completely fine before that.
Self love is at the root of all of this. For someone who's listening right now and they feel they have low confidence, low self worth, what would you encourage them to do.
Self love doesn't just disappear out of the blue. You're not born not loving yourself. It's a conditioning that happens from childhood, whether you had siblings, your parents were not fair, or they didn't show you affection or love, or whatever it is. There's so many reasons for self love to disappear, and a lot of people mistaken self love by other things.
For example, I have a friend who she's like, she travels first class, she buys the most expensive things, her house is great, cars are great, life is expensive, and she always feels empty. And she always says the same thing. She's like, I love myself so much, I don't know why I feel empty. Because people mistaken this three D experience which is buying the things and the house. Great, there's nothing wrong with that, but that's not what self
love is. That's not the end goal because when you die, nothing goes with you.
Right.
Otherwise, why doesn't the g class go to heaven or wherever we're going?
Right?
The point is that a lot of people think that just because I go to the gym, I color my hair, I do the surgeries, I look good, I love myself. No, this is all external, fun things to do. But self love is saying no. Self love is boundaries. Self love is putting yourself first. Self love is wearing the mask first on the airplane before putting it on others. Self love is not explaining yourself as being authentic regardless of how people perceive you. Self love is being honest, no
matter what the outcome of the truth is. There are so many things to self love, and the only way to obtain it is to go back to the day where it was stripped away from you and you were told you were not enough. Was it when you're four when your dad was screaming at you? Was it when you're three when your mom was upset with you? Was your uncle?
Was it?
All starts from childhood. In science, they say your personality is created from the age of zero to eight, So that's where your personality is created. So whatever happens at that time, trauma wise, all that and everything it affects you throughout the long run. For example, me, I dropped university okay because I had a business at the age of fifteen. So my father was like, oh, no, you
have to go to university. You can't do this. And I was studying film and I wasn't even started studying physics, you know. I was studying film and directing and acting. But at the same time, I had a business. I had staff I had to take care of. So I had to make a decision either this life or that life, and I dropped university, which upset my dad so much.
One day, my dad was sitting down and when he found out that I dropped university out of loves yet imagine he's not even saying it out of spite, because my dad's my best friend. He said, Babbah, without this paper, you're not going to go anywhere in life. No one's going to accept you. Without this degree, no one's going to take you. It's not going to work. However, I was sitting down, and I remember my reaction was like, oh no, let me show you what I'm going to do.
YadA YadA, YadA YadA. But when I went home and I slept, the child in me, the subconscious mind started taking these words my dad said, and they were fermenting in my head. You know, you're not worthy. You're not worthy, my dad, my best friend said that to me. And ever since, I started making choices based on I'm not good enough. I'm not going to be good enough. No one's going to notice me, no one's going to do this. And I stayed for so many years rebelling to prove
that I can do it. Although I've done it. I did it, I became successful, yet years later I was still proving and proving. Instead of enjoying my success, instead of enjoying life, I was still proving. So this is what trauma does to you. It crawls and creeps and your decisions and the way you act and everything like that, even your triggers. You know, if we are conscious enough to put our ego aside and look at our triggers, we realized that our triggers are our untamed shadows. That's
what they are. And this is why. You know, when you do the inner work and you do shadow work, you tame your shadow. You don't kill it or get
¶ Manifestation Starts with Surrender
rid of it. You can't get rid of your dark side. You're a ying yang. You exist, both of you inside one. So when you tame your shadows, you don't get triggered anymore. So even the triggers, the untamed shadows come up. And these are all trauma responses. These are all I don't care how kind, how loving, how good you are. We're all broken and we all need fixing, and we all need some work so we can find ourselves again. And
I urge everyone to look deep. No matter how good you are, I can even find, for example, if you give me figures from history that have changed the world, that say, figures that have like their selfless, that have given their life to the universe and to serving humanity, I can even find trauma. You know. So, yes, you're doing great things, but that's not the point of life, you know. The point of life is not just to give up everything.
Do you believe that you can ever miss something that
¶ Is There Truth to These Popular Love Clichés?
was meant for you?
Yes? And no, because if I miss it, it's still meant So look This is how I believe manifestation is because I'm a huge manifestor. I believe that manifestation is about surrendering. Okay, what does it mean. It means if I believe that I want something, and I believe and I demand it from the universe, Okay, I want it, I am demanding it. I still have to prove to the universe I'm worthy, so I still have to put the work. So putting the work is still part of manifestation.
Surrendering the results is also part of manifestation. So I do the work and then I surrender all my results to the universe and whatever comes my way, it's for the best. Whether I get what I want amazing. If I don't get what I want, it's divine intervention as protection, as redirection. It's not a rejection. So this is how I look at life.
It's almost saying that if it missed you, then that was meant for you too. I want to ask you your quick reactions to these classic love cliches. I'm going to read them out and then you give me a reaction to them. Okay, so opposite to a tract.
Yeah, No, it's not a factual thing.
What's your take on it.
I mean, opposite is great in relationships. Similar is boring as well. But I've seen people who are similar who have great lives together, so I think it's all compatibility. In the end.
Love is blind.
Love is definitely blind. Love is blind because our hormones drive the car. So if we are conscious enough to understand how everything works on the body, yeah, have eyes, that's the problem.
What's your take on this? You know when you know?
Yes, I believe in that, as I say, like being with a narcissist. You know when you know?
How about love is all you need.
I don't believe love is all I need. I need love, I am all I need.
I like that. I like that you complete me.
No, I complete me, And if you complete me, that means I'm using you.
What's your take on love at first sight.
¶ Forgiveness Is Essential For Healing
I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in like at first sight. You know, I believe in attraction at first sight. I believe in so many emotions, but not love. Love takes a bit of time.
What's your take on Absence makes the heart growth under I mean it.
Does, but if you are with the right person, you'll miss them even when they're next to you, so, but it does when you spend time away, you miss people.
One thing you said when I asked you about your relationships, your reaction was, I have a very neutral reaction to it now. Yeah, And I was thinking about how much forgiveness is a part of inner work and in a healing Even when you talk about some of this stuff, it almost comes across as you have no emotion for it, and not in a negative way. I'm saying, in a you feel very neutral, like I can sense that that's
real for you. That's pretty remarkable because you said your first lian for like thirteen years, it's a lot of time, a lot of anything. Talk to me about what it took to forgive after going through a narcissistic, toxic relationship.
I struggled with forgiveness a lot because I did not define it right. See the brain as a computer, and the more I break down information for it to understand, the more it acts accordingly. When I was told you need to forgive to heal, I said, how forgive physical abuse? How can I accept something like that? And then I understood, like after doing a lot of spiritual work, that forgiveness doesn't mean whatever you've done was okay? Or I forgive you for what you've done to me and I'm fine
with it. No, I'm not fine with it. I never will be fine with it. But I forgive myself for choosing to be with you. I forgive myself for allowing these things to happen, for staying for so long, because you showed me who you are? You know? And am I really mad at you? Or am I really mad at myself? So forgiveness and closures is within me. If I forgive myself, I can easily give somebody. The definition of forgiveness. Once I redefined it is what changes the
whole game. Also, forgiveness doesn't come with an open invitation back. That's the best part because a lot of people feel like if I forgive, I have to welcome them back now.
¶ How to Rewire and Train Your Mind
Apology accepted, access denied. If you didn't apologize, it's okay, it's fine, access still denied. Forgiving doesn't mean I'm okay with what happened. It means I feel nothing anymore towards it. If I'm still angry, or if I hate any of my exes or anyone bad in my life, I still have feelings for them because feelings doesn't just mean loving. If I hate, I still have feelings. I don't want feelings. Some people are not even worthy of any emotions towards them,
So I'm indifferent. And the way I know I'm over something or a situation, or if I've healed from it, is when i'm indifferent. If I go back and I'm still triggered or I feel something deep down inside, I'm like, oh, I have feelings. I gotta get rid of them, even if they're negative, even if they're hate, even if they're anger, which is valid certain situations. No, I need to empty the whole system from any emotions because you're not even worthy of any feelings. What you've put me through, You're
I'm different with you. So when I look back at my life, even on the physical abuse, I'm indifferent. I feel nothing at all. I wish them nothing but the best and hopefully karma gets them. If it's good as good, it's bad as bad.
Yeah, language is so powerful. What you were just saying about the mind being a computer, this idea that the way you define words helps you understand concepts. And sometimes we don't understand forgiveness because we think that's about accepting their bad behavior or giving them permission to treat that way. But as soon as you switch it to forgiveness, is forgiving myself or tolerting that and putting myself through that all of a sudden, that's what I want to do immediately?
Then you forget, yeah, immediately, And it's language is just so powerful.
It is, you know, I always tell people like, similar to a laptop. Why when you write click on a computer, it says cut paste. It doesn't say cut file too. It's not long. The command is small, short words. The more the command to the computer are clear, the more you actually give commands and not wait for them, only, the better your life gets. Like, I don't wait for my brain to give me ideas because I know it's a processor. I am a soul running this show as well.
I am the person observing my thoughts, observing everything, So I give my brain commands. For example, I flew in here three days. I'm jetlagged, right, So what I tell my brain is I have a name for it as well.
¶ Sara on Final Five
So I say Phoenix, work mode activated. And I train my brain that when I say work mode, it means even if I'm tired, even if I'm sleepy, I gotta show up. I gotta go there and the brain listens. I want people to know that you can bio hack your brain. And that's one of the things that I teach the most and my courses that I can teach you how to hack your brain, how to hack your hormones, how to stop cortisol from being released, pull it back,
release on doorphins. Anything is possible. This is a machine. Just like I can hack and email a laptop, I can hack this as well. Everything is hackable. The only thing I want people to get rid of is the limiting beliefs, because with the limiting beliefs, I cannot do anything with anybody. And a lot of people might ask you, Jay, how are you the way you are? How am I the way I am? How are you guys doing what you do in life? How come out of billions and
billions of people. It's that we don't have that limiting belief of the nine to five or that life is about this only. We have a broad, open belief that's accepting, open and always changing. And I wish people had that because if you don't have the limiting beliefs, you'll be able to do anything for sure.
Sorry. We end every on Purpose episode with a final five. These questions have to be answered in one word or one sentence maximum, So sorry, this is your final five. Questionable one, what is the best advice you've ever heard or received?
You cannot break anyone that finds beauty and everything. Like, if you find beauty and everything, no one can touch you or break you, even in the worst situations. Once I took that advice, gave my brain that command, everything was easy. There was beauty in everything.
Question number two, what is the worst advice you've ever had or received?
A doctor once told me. He's like, you're a businesswoman. You do tech, you do blah blah, you do this, you do this, you do this. Oh, and now you want to start singing. And and I was just sitting there and I was like, and he's like, yeah, but who are you? What are you? You're everything in anything? Like He's like, you're so unfocused. I just looked at him and I said, I feel sorry for you because you think you're here to just be one thing. I'm here to be everything in anything I want. I'm here
on an experience. So if I want to sing, if I want to dance, if I want to act, if I want why not? I don't want to I want to cling to one identity. I am ever changing, I'm everything and everyone. I don't want to be just Sarah the entrepreneur, Sarah the public speaker. I want to be everything. Why black or white? If there's so many colors of the rainbow, I can be so many things.
For sure. Question number three, what's your favorite tattoo?
I have a witch tattoo, and a lot of people see it. They're like, oh God, what does she do at night? Which means women in total control of herself?
Oh wow, that's good.
Usually women's reputation, voice, decisions are always in the hand of other men, husband, brother, boyfriend, you, a dad, and just being a witch, being an alchemist? Is this woman in total control of herself?
I like that. That's a good one. That's awesome. Question number four, what was the biggest limiting belief that you had to let go of to live the life you have today?
That I can't change my mind. There might be bigger things out there as limiting beliefs that could change your life, but the ability to know that I can change my mind and it's not embarrassing, it's not okay. Doesn't make me flaky, And it's okay to change your mind. One day you might like something, the next day you might not, and it's completely okay. I was taught to think that you're flaky as a person or you're indirect. If you keep changing your mind, you can be trust But it's
such a limiting belief. You're allowed to change your mind, and this is why a lot of people stick to things that are not good for them.
Yeah, because that applies to career, it applies to people, it applies applies to everything. All right, Fifth and final question. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be.
I will not allow people to date or get married until they do the inner work. It'll be mandatory by the government, which.
No, I mean, so you're gonna have like a zero percent.
Yeahs being funny enough, I sat down with my business partner and we were like, because of launching a dating app, yes, everybody, Yeah, it's called soul Search that AI And we sat down and I was like, if I was the king, or if I was the president, and I had to make laws and rules for love, what would it be. I've always believed dating should be traditional, like I have to meet you, I have to feel you out and all that.
But this is also a limiting belief because the world is changing, technologies rise, and if I'm not part of the change, I'm falling behind. So love is blind, but AI isn't.
So the AI is going to help you pay? Is that or no? What's the goal? What's different about So you don't get.
To see the people. You get to see them after fourteen days if you unlock certain levels of maturity and conversation and you play games together, and there's a psychologist involved, the hypnotherapist involved on the board, a lot of big names, even the AI. For example, let's say me and you match okay, and we're chatting. The AI even tells us what to talk about. Ask about the finances, ask about children, ask about this. The AI might even tell you he's
love bombing you. Watch out, it's too much for Oh why we've been feeding this AI so much information for a year and a half Because I am so sick of wasting my time dating And this is why I was like sol search AI dot AI is basically embracing the future and the change and Ai. Although I have my dark thoughts of AI and my good thoughts. But I remember I was walking in the street once after giving a speech and I was really tired, and this guy stopped me, and I was like, I'm really not
in the mood to talk right now, you know. But he's like, can I ask you about AI and stuff like that. I was like, yeah, go ahead. He's like, what do you think of AI? I said, I think that AI is a dark consciousness that already existed and wanted us to bring it to life. And I was being very negative about it because I was like, why is it taking the roles of humans. Then he looked at me and he said, you're spiritual? No, And I said, yeah,
I am spiritual. He said, weren't spiritual people? Their belief is that were born not to work, not to survive. We can plant our own food, build our own homes. We were born to thrive in communities. I said yeah. He said, so AI came to become the slave so you can enjoy the life. And ever since he said that,
everything just switched in my head. I'm like, oh my god, yes, I can go live that life, the spiritual life, and let AI fund it and do the work for me and then make my place, then do whatever I want. AI is beautiful and the way we've incorporated AI in the dating app is crazy. You can't see the person no more looking at pictures and lusting and it's all
about deep conversations. In four days, you unlock a chat room where you can speak by voice, and then more and more there's hints and all that until you reach the day where you reveal, and based on the reveal you can decide whether you want to be with them or be friends and all that.
But I'll be heartbreaking though. What if like for fourteen days you're like you really connected with someone, then you see them and you're like, I feel nothing.
But remember the analogy of the movie when I told you you fall in love with the character halfway, I mean, then it'll be too late, and it's better than to fall in love with shallow things. What makes it difference is that all the other dating apps, you know, there's so many, so much bullshitting happening in there, and all.
That this is going to be actue.
Tell me what cat fishing person is going to go and say, I'm going to go catch for someone for fourteen days.
No, I'm going to do that, you know.
So it's basically to eliminate all that crap and just like give people some genuine connections. So although Ai is not human, but it's taking us back to being human again on the app, which is like a deep connection.
Yeah.
So I'm so excited because.
I'm all the best congression meet my guy on it. That would be the test. Yeah, yeah, that's the test. You got to do it first.
You got to do it first.
That would be the best. Yeah, I love it, Sarah, It's been so wonderful talking to you so much, as always, like I love your insights, love your thoughts, love our raw you are, how vulnerable you are, open you are, how much you wear your heart and your sleeve and talk about your own experiences in such a casual and deering way. It's really really helpful. And thank you so much for easy.
It's like your energy just makes everything flow. So thank you so much for that.
Very sweet. All the best, and I want everyone's listening and watching. Make sure you go follow us our on social media if you don't already, go and grab soul sach Ai because I guess it hopefully will be live yeah, maybe the website live again. Thank you so much for coming all the way. I'm so deeply grateful for your time and energy. It means the world. Thank you, Thank you.
If you enjoyed this conversation, you love my episode with the world's leading relationship therapist estaperrel where we talk about why your ego is ruining your relationships and how to date more effectively.
I think we need to differentiate. Are you looking for chemistry for a love story or are you looking for chemistry for a life story.