MEL ROBBINS: How to Stop People-Pleasing Without Feeling Guilty (Follow THIS Simple Rule to Set Boundaries and Stop Putting Yourself Last!)

you've ever felt stuck, lost, or in transition, this episode is for you. You won't want to miss this one. Listen to On Purpose with Jayshetty on the iHeartRadio app, Amazon Music, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

we're the most worried about. Because if you didn't care whether or not people liked you, if you didn't care about whether or not people misunderstood you or your intentions, you would just go about your life however the heck you wanted to right and so truly, if you stop and think, like, think about one person in your life, who who that's the person whose opinion you worry about the most. Imagine if you could go about your life

and not care if they like you or not, not care if they don't understand you or not. And sometimes people be like, well it's my boss, Okay, there's a lot of bosses out there. If the one that you're working for doesn't like you, there's nothing you can do

about it. But you can always leave the job, and so I think that is what's at the heart of it, that we are so desperate to be liked and understood and loved by others that we live in fear that it's not going to happen, and in doing so, we basically live a life where we don't really like ourselves.

There's the outer critic and the inner critic. Tell me about how we can learn to quiet that inner critic, because sometimes it is your boss, sometimes it is your partner, sometimes it is your mom, But there's that inner critic inside of you that's stifling you even more.

have brought on too on purpose. The more stressed out that you are, the more the self criticism dials up. There's some relationship between you being in kind of fight or flight and your inability to be kinder and more present and compassionate with yourself. So that's number one. If you're experiencing an uptick right now because you feel stressed and overwhelmed, that's to be expected. Second thing, and this is going to blow your frickin mind. Okay, self criticism. This is crazy.

so you couldn't even see yourself. There were no glass buildings, so you didn't see your reflection. If you saw yourself, it was like in the Charles River and it was like kind of moving. And so we're not neurologically, physiologically, emotionally designed to actually see ourselves. And we are designed

jay to connect with other people. And so if you're looking at other people, you in a nano second, your brain immediately goes into this like judge mode because you're judging, Okay, is this a person whose energy I vibe with and I kind of want to connect with this person? Or is this a person whose energys off so I kind of want to move away from It happens like that part of your wiring because you're wired to connect with other people, you're not wired to be watching what you're doing.

And so what's happened because of zoom, because of FaceTime, because of selfies, because of all the videos that we take of ourselves, we are seeing ourselves at rates that our brains can't compute. And so that same mechanism where your brain looks at other people and sizes people up, is this a person I want to connect with? Is this not you're doing to yourself? And then you add on top of it, Jay, the fact that you're also in unprecedented levels. You guys, we have access to what

everybody else is doing, which is just more input. And so what does this create? This creates a scenario for all of us where we are all self critical and we live in a moment of time where you have the real you, like the person you are right now, the person you are, I don't know what size or raises, how tall, how short, whether or not you have an acme breakout, whether your hair is phrase, you are who

you are. But then we all have this idealized self that we think we should be and because we're so used to kind of looking at ourselves and assessing ourselves, and our brain's not wired to really be even thinking about how you look or thinking about what you're doing

in comparison to other people. You've turned that against yourself, like it's just so sad because we live like you know, and there's this kind of real thin line that you and I can unpack between improving your life and squeezing as much as you can out of this life that you have, really truly allowing yourself to be happier, allowing yourself to have more fun, and relentlessly doing it because you think there's something wrong with you. Do you see

the difference? And so when it comes to self criticism, everybody and this is something that we all deal with. It's really important. There's actually four steps that she goes by doctor Ash. Doctor Ash says, there's four steps. Number one, you got to recognize that the self criticism is a function of culture. We live in a world where you see yourself all the time, which makes you more critical of self than generations before us period. So it's not

your fault. You're not broken. I actually think you are perfectly, imperfectly beautiful. I do. And even though there are things about yourself that you would like to improve or change, we're going to talk about how to do that while you're actually still kind and accepting of yourself. That's the thing to do here. And so number one, you're not the problem. The culture's the problem. And another fun fact, you know, if you have a smartphone, it is defaulted

to show you a mirror image. You want to know why, because your brain can't actually process what you look like to another human being. Kid you not if you go into your phone and change the setting on your smartphone to have the camera actually reflect the way that people see you versus what you see back in a mirror, your brain will be like, what is that?

Paul Conti from Stanford on. I know that you've had a lot of the amazing experts that talk about how somebody else taught you to hate on yourself, that's what happened. And the experts basically say that it typically happens between the ages of twelve and eighteen, because once you hit twelve, your parents are basically freaks and you don't want anything

to do with them. And the social priority in terms of development is I got a bond with my friends, So now it becomes a real priority to actually be connected to people your age. Here's the problem. This comes from doctor Judith Joseph Columbia University. She her research shows that if you're kind of in that age rage and a kid's like, you're fat, you're ugly, what's over that acne?

You know, you're a little short, or you walk into a school or the only person with brown skin and you're among a sea of other white kids and people are picking on you, or you just don't feel like you belong. That sort of experience to your brain feels like physical pain. Yes, and so you were not born beating yourself up. Somebody taught you to, and that's an important thing to understand. And if you every one of you can probably kind of close your eyes and think

back to when did I think I was ugly? When did I start telling myself I wasn't smart enough? When did I think my height was a problem or my complexion or the freckles or the you know meat wings that I call them, you know, my my things that no matter how many king what are these tricep things I do? It does it's not working. I don't care how much creatine crap I eat and the supplements I'm popping not working.

This comes from doctor Ash, she's been in the Harvard Medical School system for twenty years. In a clinical practice, you have to come up with a what's called meaningful mantra. It's just something that you can say to yourself that's kind. And this is where I'm gonna go to my notes,

because we have some I've got some notes here. So doctor Ethan Cross from University of Michigan his recommendation, and he's an expert on negative self talking criticism is talk to yourself like a friend, meaning use your name, use your name. And it sounds kind of weird, but if I am kind of feeling negative about something, instead of going, well, you know, I always screw things up, you say mel, you don't always screw things up. And when you say your name, it sort of snaps you out of that

loop of criticizing yourself. Huge second thing that you can do doctor Jim Dodie. He's a neuroscientist and a neurosurgeon from Stanford who studies manifesting. And if you really want to start to practice a new way of talking to yourself, because again you can program your mind to think different things than what these idiots from your past taught you to say to yourself. And so number one, you want to write down what you want to say, and it could just be something as like I'm doing the best

I can. I deserve encouragement I'm gonna do my best to be kinder to myself. You can just write down something like that, then you read it, then you say it out loud, and then you close your eyes, and it's important to be calm in order for the coding to take hold. According to doctor Dotie, you just visualize yourself literally acting like that, and these are ways that you can once you recognize you're not the problem. The culture is. Second piece is you didn't you weren't born

doing this. Somebody taught you, so we're gonna unlearn it. Third is I'm actually gonna take time because it matters how I talk to myself. Like if I followed you around when I was in a really bad mood like I do with Chris. I don't know if Roddy does this with you, but I'm like follow him around like a shadow. Why is this happening? Why's that happening? You know you really screwed that up. I don't do that anymore. I used to do that. Proud to say that, But

if you followed yourself around, I'm not good enough. Things never work out for me. It's never going to happen. I'm so stupid, Like, no, wonder you don't feel great, no wonder, you're not motivated. So you got to actually train yourself to say different things you have to And because you've been doing this for decades, do not expect it to take one week. Don't be like, Okay, I said that thing that Melon Jay said, it's not working. Okay,

like you got to give it time. And the final thing, and this is the piece of advice everybody hates from doctor Ash, which is you have to stop waiting to live your life if you are self critical. Seriously, this is so important. Think about this. If you're the kind of person that's like, Okay, I'm going to lose some weight before I go to a gym, I'm going to clear up my acne before I go on a date. Let me just put on a pound of makeup and a seventy three step morning like facial routine before I'll

be in the photo. All of the things you're waiting to do, whether it's go to the beach, or it's put yourself out there or speak up more at work, or it's being in the front of the photo instead of the back of the photo. All of those things you're waiting to do until you either look a certain way, or have achieved a certain thing, or you've made a certain amount of money, all of those things that you're waiting on. The days that you wait, you are saying to yourself, I am not good enough for my own

standards to live the life that I deserve. Just stop and really think about that. Like, Jay's not stopping you from doing it, I'm not stopping Nobody in this room

is stopping you from doing anything. You are holding yourself back from truly enjoying all that your life has to offer you now because you believe, at some future date there's an idealized version of you that will be ready or more deserving of the things that are available to you. Now, stop it. Stop it. You prove it's true, but you prove the self criticism wrong when you're like, all right, I got weight to lose. That's the point of the gym.

So I'm going to go in and I'm going to do it now because I deserve to take care of myself regardless of how I may be feeling about where I'm at in my life. That's how you do it. I know it's a long winded answer.

there is to you than just your physical self. You actually get to explore your mental and emotional capacity and ability and potential because you're not bound by just thinking this is all I am.

around me? What's the outfit, what's the makeup, what's the hairstyle, what's all that stuff? And there's a whole actual life that is inside of you that is waiting to open up, and we've all been so distracted by the crap on the outside that we've forgotten what it feels like and what's possible when you truly tap into the thing that's deeper than the skin and the hair and the face and everything that you're complaining about.

we've we're distracted again from that very physical sense. And one thing you were saying that really resonated with me that I think a lot of us do this because we get lost in this feeling of trying to shape shift and trying to mold and then people please. So when we get lost in that loop, we're now trying to manipulate and maneuver ourselves. We're trying to self correct and self fix and self critique in order to be a somewhat not even good enough for ourselves, hoping that

someone else is gonna say we're good enough. What does someone do in the audience right now, who knows that they're just constantly trying to people please, They're constantly trying to self correct, self critique to be good for someone else. What's a barrier or a habit or a boundary that they should start with in order to break this cycle?

oh wait a minute, I'm not some pushover. I actually want people to like me, so I am willing to manipulate them by staying silent or doing things I don't want to do or not expressing my boundaries because I, at all costs just want people to like me. There is nothing soft and weak about that at all. And when you look at it that way and you see it for what it is, it is a strategy to manipulate other people into liking you. That's what it is.

you can then go oh there I go again. I'm doing that thing where I'm not telling the truth, or I'm saying yes when I meant no, or I'm like just not bringing this up because I'd rather they like me and I want to manipulate the situation. That's the kind of person that I am. And so that's number one.

Number two is it creeps up on you. So it's so sneaky because it works like if you're a big you know, if you're a person that just wants everybody to like you, you're a big yes person, and then of course you're angry at everybody for you saying yes, right, you know, you'll take care of everybody else, and then bitch about the fact that you have no time for yourself. You know, like it's like and so, but here's the thing. You don't see it yet, and so there is. There's

this incredible person that came on. I want to get her name right. It was doctor doctor Laction. She's an expert on boundaries, and she said the darnedest thing. She said, here's how you can start to get a hold of this, because you don't realize how sneaky it is. You have to create a pause, like think about creating a little bit of a space between you and the world. And

I'm going to give you an example. Let's say you're a teacher, or you're a nurse, or you have a job where you're like, go go, go, go, go, go go, and it's one of those jobs where you almost never even have time to go to the bathroom. You literally do not eat lunch when you're hungry, You couldn't possibly take a quick break because then you're going to get in trouble. Everybody needs you. This is another thing with people pleasing. It's how you feel important because if you're needed,

then it gives you a sense of purpose. We're on the on Purpose podcast, and so one of the things that she said, which is kind of sneaky, is the best way to start to separate yourself from the strategy Jay is to pay attention to what your body needs. Do you need to go to the bathroom, Do you

need to eat something right now? Do you need to step away from your computer and just take a ten minute walk outside, And notice how often when you're thirsty, or you got to go to the bathroom, or you know, you're sitting in class and you're like, I'm kind of hungry, but I don't want to make a sound, you know, and pull this thing out of my bed, or I don't want to get up in the middle of this meeting and excuse myself because I want people to like

me and respect me. Start to notice where you have no actual separation from the world around you and your need to just push yourself through it and be liked by everybody and not make any waves and not do this and make sure that nothing that is your need creates somebody having an opinion about you. And so eat

when you're hungry at work, take a break and go the bathroom when you realize you need to, instead of holding it because you don't want to leave the meeting or you don't want to get out of class. If you are burnt out and overwhelmed, go up to your manager and say I need a ten minute break. And what you're going to notice is how often you're unwilling to take care of your own basic needs because you're worried about what people are going to think if you do. And so that is a way to just start to

separate yourself. Because when you're a manipulator like that, like I used to be, it is so in your DNA, you know. So you'll order a cup of coffee and they'll get it wrong and be like, oh no, no, you don't need to fix it. I'd ordered the Chibe, but I'll take the expresso triple shot thing, No problem, no problem, I got it. I'm easy, okay. And then you walk out and you're like, damn it. They always get it wrong in there.

struggle with eating today. We struggle with all of these things today because of what you just said, because we've ignored the body, yes, and we're trying to figure it all out in our mind when the body's been telling us and guiding us all along. So this lack of alignment that we have between the mind and the body, but the body saying do this, do this, do this, and the mind.

help at work, I have plans. If you can't start to pay attention to the basic needs because you, you know, want to please your partner and make sure they're not upset with you in the morning, so you're gonna sit up late even though you don't want to, then you're never going to be able to draw bigger boundaries when

it feels like the stakes are even higher. And so what I love about this pause is it's a way to start to interrupt your own behavior so you can notice how insidious it is, like how it's everywhere that you literally will trip over yourself and stomp on your own head as long as people aren't mad at you, or they're not disappointed, or you're not going to get in trouble, or they're still going to like you, and then it's just exhausting. And so I loved that advice.

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just thinking about this. I'm thinking, if I'm even lucky enough to make someone not mad at me, even if I'm lucky enough to pull that off, I'm probably going to go to bed mad at myself. And even if

I'm lucky enough to convince someone to like me, I'm probably going to go to bed disliking myself.

I love the year you're having. I love I just want to give mel her flowers because she's just phenomenal, Like she has worked like I've known Mal. I think me and Mel have known each other now for like i'd say, like seven years, maybe even a bit longer. Yes, And Mel works so hard. She has been crushing for so many years. She has put in work and time

and energy and effort out for years. And I'm saying that as a friend, as an admired, as a colleague, I have seen this human only want to help people for years and years and years and help millions of people.

And when I look at the transformations you've had from being a lawyer to being a talk show host, to becoming one of the biggest public speakers in the country and the world, to go on to write multiple best selling books, to go on to have the number one podcast in the world, to go on to just conquer all of these different fields, what.

Right there's people have so many visions and dreams. How did you get the courage to let go and move on multiple times when it's so hard to let go of something that feels certain, stable and safe. How did you choose uncertainty and unsafety when we all crave safety.

And then you march from South Station up to High Street and then you get in the elevator and I would contemplate, why is there no floor thirteen?

of you will tolerate it for decades. And there's a certain amount of negative energy wired in me in order to organize enough of what they call the intrinsic drive to get over your own excuses and fears and bs and actually do the thing. And so to me, like every pivot you guys, was either because like I had to put gas in the tank and food on the table.

I got fired from three different jobs. I mean, it sounds fancy to say I was a talk show host, but the show sucked, they got canceled, and I don't care. I don't have a problem saying it. I tried it. I won because I tried, And at some point you're going to understand something. You're either going to spend your life watching other people do the things you want to do, and then you're going to end up on your deathbed

and go, wow, I really blew it. I didn't push myself through all of those fears and those excuses when I could have. I really regret how I spent the time that I had. So you're either going to spend your life watching other people do the things that you want to do and then spend a lot of time making up excuses, well they're this or they're that, and it may be true. There are people in this world that have unfair advantages. There are people that are starting

at a different starting line than you are. There are people that are handed a lot of money, there are people that aren't. But you got to at some point wake up and realize you got what you got. That's

what you got. You got the cards that have been dealt to you are the ones that you have to play, and so you can waste your life and your time bitching about where you're at and being jealous of your friends, which I did for decades, or you will get to a point where you are so sick of yourself and you're sick of being miserable that you actually do something because the cost of staying where you are is so much more painful than moving toward the thing you've been avoiding.

And so for me, whether the organizing principle Jay, was I got bills to pay or recognizing nobody is coming to fix this and I can either blame this all on my husband or wish you know he was in finance. I have this funny story where you know, I see a friend's kitchen, right, Yeah, I don't know. Have you guys ever had that experience in life?

you are. They've worked hard, they deserve this, and they give you the glass of wine or the you know, juny and you have that expression, and you're like and you're trying really nice and have for that, and you're like gripping the can so much it's gonna start to spill. And as they give you the tour, Jay, it's like one restoration hardware display after the other. And then they show you the kitchen and you're like, she's got white cabinets. That's my and dress more the white, that's what to take.

And then if you're an immature, negative, people pleasing manipulator like I am Jay, and you have no idea how to process your emotions like a mature adult, the second you get in the car, you turn to your spouse like I did, and you're like, why couldn't you be in finance? Why do you care of people?

meant for you with your insecurity. Jealousy comes up because it's a messenger and it's trying to get your attention. While you've been sitting there wasting hours and hours and hours on Pinterest and blaming everything on your parents and the person you're dating or married to, you could have gotten to work and just figured out how to create what you wanted. Like I spent years thinking that my

happiness and our finances was Chris's responsibility. Wow, Like, if there's things if I want in my life, I'm capable of paying for them. I'm capable of like getting clear about what I want and then just go to chat GTP and be like, this is what I'd like. I got a year, what do I do every day for thirty minutes? And honest to God, chat gtp's going to spit out a plan for you, and then you're gonna be like line like this, it's not gonna work for me.

That would work for Jay, but it's not going to work for me, and then you're not going to do it. And so I just got to the point at so many times, like I got some like why did I start a podcast because I was jealous of one of my close friends, Jay Shetty. I swear to God, I literally be like that, Oh it's a god ham or him meditation shit, Like what like he's he started it before I could. Damn Jay, Damn damn Oh Jam so happy for you with the podcast. And then you got

to say, well, what's underneath the jealousy. There's something that my friend is doing and he's leading the way. And if I can get my negative ass out of the way, I can actually see that there's something that he's doing that's inspiring me. He's not taking anything from me, he's giving something to me. Everybody, yes, everybody in your life that you are jealous of is giving you something. You know, I think about life Jay, as we're all on this

giant walk together. That's what we're doing. And there are going to be times in your life where you're ahead of other people because your example can help other people. Our friend ed Molette says that you're best equipped to help the person you used to be. If you've ever had a kid that you know has had learning disabilities

and you've had to go through the IEP process, you are on a walk with the entire world, and that experience equips you to help somebody who has not gone through that. And then there are going to be times where you're behind and everybody in this room could teach you something if you're willing to go through your life with open arms and an open mind and even see the things that you're jealous of. And like, why am I on tour? Because he went on one? Like I'm

just such a copycat, it's unbelievable. Like, Damn, I'm jealous Jay's going on tour. Okay, that's a sign there's something that he's doing. Oh, I know what it is. He's actually with the people that listen to the podcast. I want that because I miss you, guys, like I like I'm alone Garage and Vermont for crying out loud like I need people.

the network. You think that, and because you think that, you think there's no space left for you. It's so you think there's only a finite number of seats, and so if someone else taking all those seats, then there's no seat for me. That is the single best advice. For give them a round applause as insane. Single best advice.

gonna ask you, guys what you think first. The melth is gonna tell us the truth. So I want to hear you do your best rendition. You can do better than that. Brilliant. I love it. I'm going to hand these to mouth.

a vibe? Say it's a vibe. If it's a vibe, for those who it's not a vibe, all right, there's a lot of over to Mel, I'll really again, your friend really wants you to go to an event where they won't know anyone, but you had a really stressful week at work and are drained, so you say no.

your home base. And so for me, peace is what I prioritize. So if you have somebody that takes care of you, but they're not like challenging you emotionally, I don't think the person that you're with has to be one hundred percent of everything. And you know, like if you are, that's different than saying you're you're with somebody

who just is like the Walking Dead. But what I heard in that question is a like this thing that happens in relationships where you constantly think is there's somebody better out there and you're searching for this sort of Frankenstein version of a human being where you take a little bit of this and a little bit of that and a little bit of this, and you forget that if you got eighty percent of the things that actually matter, you're with somebody who's loyal, who's kind to you, who

cares about you, who is interested in learning. But you know, anybody can develop skills and becoming more self aware that's a skill. Becoming more like emotionally aware, that's a skill. And so I think, you know, one of the big things, especially as a mom, that I keep saying to my kids is we get so obsessed about the shiny stuff on the outside, like we've been talking about, that we actually don't give enough value to the things that matter

over the long haul. Yes, because you know, having been with Chris for thirty years, I've hated the man at times, like I literally, And it's about whether or not you're with somebody that when you come home you're going to exhale that when you're going through a hard time, you know that they're going to be there for you and

that you're going to be there for them. That this is a person that may not have it all, because none of us do, but it's a person that's willing to grow with you and to try, and so to me, I think that that's what I heard in that.

And so I wouldn't say what I had said in the past, but I might say you don't seem like yourself. I might say, have you thought about whether or not you're happy, because I want you to be happy, and if you're happy in this, I actually want you to this person around. And what's going to happen is by doing that, not judging, you're now stirring up tension. They're

not an idiot. People know when they're with somebody who treats them like crap. But when we judge and we think we know better now, we are piling on judgment, which makes them feel more trapped and ashamed because they know. And so you taking an approach that is more of the let me side of this, that's like, let me be more compassionate, let me just say I want you to be happy, and you don't seem happy, and just I'm here, and if us all going out to dinner

together is gonna like bring you closer. I would love to go out to dinner with you in this person, and then they're gonna have to sit with that. But that's how you keep somebody closer, and you make it safe for them to come to you when things get hard and when they're going to leave, because you know, also if this is somebody that has been doing this over and over, it's a pattern and this is something that they're going to keep heating, and it's going to

take time for them to see that they're worthy. And so the worst thing you could do is push them toward the other person by being judgmental. You want to keep them very close, particularly if you're worried about them.

from my team coming around. She has a microphone. If you have a real, genuine, burning question that you'd wanted to ask Mel, something, your opportunity.

And so there is this thing that I say to myself when it feels like things are not happening fast enough, or oh there's another job I just got fired from, or oh there's another bill, like all those moments of my life where you know, it's funny, you can define what you want, but oftentimes you get it, but it's not how you thought you would, And so I cultivated this kind of saying for myself where I would literally say to myself, I refuse to believe that this is how it ends.

how everything that happened, good or bad. I'm not saying you deserve any of the bad things, but you can see how everything that happened led you here right now, that every day, every experience right is just a brick in the path of life. And if that is true, which it is, then it is also true that where you are in this moment is also a brick on

that same path, and it is leading you somewhere. And I choose to believe that that somewhere that it's leading is way bigger and more amazing and cooler than you could possibly imagine. Now. It may be seventeen years before you look back on this moment and say, that's why that happened, Because you know, when I invented the five second role, counting five four three two one to get out of bed when we were eight hundred thousand dollars in debt, it was nineteen miles from here. February two

thousand and eight, Tuesday morning. One decision changed my life. I had no idea in that moment that that little countdown thing would be the brick that would lead me all the way here. I'll share another story. I for years would watch people that wrote books and had podcasts and all this stuff be asked to be interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, and I would always sit there going, why am I not getting asked? And then I would say to myself, one of these days, it's going to happen

one of these that you have. If it hasn't happened yet, here's another one, it's because it's not meant to happen now.

And so when Jay acknowledged me for all the crazy stuff that's been going on this year, it occurred to me, Oh, that's why it didn't happen then, because I was being held for a different moment you are being held for a different moment and cultivating that faith in yourself that you have the capacity to keep going, that there are lessons that you still need, that there is some bigger possibility in the future that is waiting for you, which is why it's not happening now. And there's that famous

I think. I don't know if it was jay Z that set up, but literally the genius thing that both Jay and I have done is we just don't quit. We don't quit it. And I do think you have to outlast yourself because you're the one who's gonna quit. You're not against Jay or me, it's you against you. And so when I think of the I can't remember the word that you use to describe like the version of me, the version of me that I think about as somebody who reminds herself all the time, no matter

what's going on. Now, I choose to believe this is in service of something that I can't even imagine that's going to happen, and I trust that at some point I'll know. And my job now is not to doubt, it is to just keep going.

and more focus throughout the day. That's why I co founded Juni, a sparkling adaptagenate drink made with powerful ingredients like ushwagandha and it's designed to boost your mood, support your focus, and give you natural energy, all without the crash. Get your daily mood boost with Juni at Whole Foods Market or head to Drinkjuni dot com to find a store near you. I remember one of my monk teachers used to say to me, if there's something you desire

and it hasn't manifested yet, because of three things. One is the universe and God saying not right now. The second is not like this, and the third is I've got something better planned.

I refuse to believe it ends like this. I love that statement and another one that I love for myself that I've always said, and it comes back to the same advice that Mel was giving earlier. We all need montras to keep us going. Mine has always been this

only makes the story better. Every time I get rejected, I've just collected something that makes the story better when I get to tell it, and when I tell my story in five, ten, fifteen years time, this moment just made that story better because everyone I respect and everyone I look up to has had that same story. If you're failing, you're having the same story is the person who's successful. If you're losing, you having the same story

as the person who's winning. Now, if you're losing right now, you're having the same story as the person who wins in ten years.

people you hate. That's why they have families. Second, you know, we've had expert after expert, but chan I come on and ironically we've dropped an episode today about emotionally immature parents. People can only give you what they have to give. This does not excuse abuse. This does not mean that you didn't deserve to have family or past experiences where you felt seen and taken care of and love for

who you are and support it. But for me really being able to separate myself from the hurt that was caused and look through it with steely cold eyes and basically go, you know, if it wasn't given to your parents, they can't give it to you. And I have chosen to stop punishing people who did the best that they could with the situation they were in, the trauma that they had their own life experiences, because I don't like carrying around that judgment and hate. I don't like constantly

living in the past. It is so much easier and freeing to basically look through the eyes of compassion and say I deserved more, and I see fully you were not equipped to give me what I deserve. And as long as I hold judgment over what happened, I am still in the past. I am still suffering. You know,

there was this analogy. I think it's TD Jakes and Oprah Winfrey, and I believe the context is that he was counseling her about her relationship with her mother, and he basically said, in life, there are people who have a quarter cup capacity. That's what they got. They got a quarter cup of love and a ten and patience to give. And then there are those of us, probably most of us in the room, that have a gallon need.

If somebody only has a quarter cup to give you and they have poured all of that into a person who has a gallon need, we will not feel satiated,

seen or taken care of. Ever, there's this massive mismatch, and no amount of judgment, no amount of anything, is going to change the fact that they are who they are. This is what happened. But you get to choose what happens next. And for me, learning to say this person is who they are, let them be who they are Now, I get to choose how much time do I put into this, how much energy do I want to look and see and understand what they went through so that

I feel more compassion. And it's not as personal as it feels. It's a tricky thing to do, and it's a lifelong process because they're going to continue to trigger the hell out of you because they are who they are. But you get to choose how much time and energy you put into it. You get to choose what kind of relationship you want to create or not with the people that hurt you in the past, and that's where your power is.

first step. And when you want to feel it. On day one, it almost stops you from taking the first step on the ladder. So the first step on the ladder is anger, you're on the first step, and the fifth step is I don't want anything to do with them, and then the tenth step is I see why they treated me that way.

There was no social media, there was no video, nothing was recorded, there was no content because I just got to do what I was passionate about. And when I started to do that with no pressure. By the way, when I did that, there was no pressure because I didn't need a thousand people in the audience. I didn't need a million views, I didn't need one hundred thousand followers. I could just be present. I then felt to myself, well, I want to share this with more people. Maybe I

should put a video out. Maybe that will reach more people. Again, that was the last thing I wanted to do at the time, but I'll tell you a bit about my story in the second half. And so I put that out. And then what happened is I got to a point in my life where I had two hundred million views on my videos, but I was four months away from

being broke, and I had this really interesting reflection. I thought, wait a minute, I'm trying to teach the world abundance and I'm trying to help the world live their purpose and their passion. But I don't know if I can even do this for longer than the next three months, because I can't even put food on the table through it.

a workshop from you. Every single week, and so for seven years, every single week I gave a private workshop to a group of people who subscribed to Genius. That's how it started for me. And so what I'm saying to you is it starts as a passion, it starts as a hobby, and then you figure out what you can do for people that they truly want from you and that you can serve them differently with, and then

you build around that. You don't just go I'm going to try and build this random thing and I think this is what people want and this because what ends up happening is you waste time, money and energy. You take a moment, take a beat to listen to the people you're serving and ask them, speak to them, connect with them. I always say to people, if you've got a hundred followers, they can share so much with you about why they love you and why they follow you.

You don't need to wait, like Mel was saying earlier, you don't need to wait till you have a million followers to launch a business. You can have a hundred followers. That creates an amazing business for you because you deeply understand their need, You serve them, and you take care of them, and I think the people that get to take care of millions of people who started off as people who took care of five and that's where it

all begins. And so take care of whoever's there, connecting and resonating right now and let it flow.

That's why I'm like two episodes a week. Jay's doing two episodes a week. I'm doing like all the people that are at the top are doing a daily episode. They're doing two epos. The formula is there, and now there's going to be a problem. So give yourself a year to be a student of what you want to be a master of. Search for formulas. What are people doing that are succeeding Jay's wright listen to the people that are there and what's missing, and here's gonna be

the problem. You're gonna literally be like, well, then I'm God being Jay. Then I'm doing it like them. Dude, You're gonna make it your own because you're your own person. But everybody in the history of time basically kind of does the same thing. There are no new ideas for crying out loud, and so you're literally gonna go but they're doing it this way, and I gotta make it my way, and it's got to be special, and it's got to have a logo, and it's got to do

all this. And so then you're gonna avoid doing what are called the reps, the boring, tedious, annoying things that successful people do in the dark. It gets you no credit and no money, but that actually builds the business. And so if you want to turn a hobby into a business, be a student. First search for the formulas. Then take another year to actually show up every day and put your money where your mouth is and do it broke, and do it in the dark while nobody

cares and is paying attention. And then pay attention to the ten people that have shown up because they're your people, and if you do that, within two years, you will be shocked at what you can create. Shocked.