Logan Ury: #1 Dating Mistake That Leads to the Wrong Relationship (Use THIS Compatibility Test Before You Get Attached)

spark really mean? And is it actually leading you in the wrong direction? If you're tired of confusing chemistry with compatibility, I don't want you to miss this episode. Please welcome to On Purpose Logan Uri Logan, Uri, Welcome to On Purpose. Thank you for being here.

have you in this seat for so long. You've been such a requested guest for us. Thank you.

lot of people out there will relate to this. They are worried about finding their soulmate and they believe there's one person out there for everyone and I'll know it when I see it. And so this person is very very focused on the we met and their partner looking

the way they expect. And the second type is the maximizer, and the maximizer has unrealistic expectations of their partner, and so you know you're a maximizer if you say things like I just want to keep searching, or I found someone great, but I want to find someone even better. And this is the person who's never satisfied. They always wonder what else is out there, the sort of the grass is greener person. And the third type is the hesitator,

and the hesitator has unrealistic expectations of themselves. And so the hesitator says things like I'll be ready to date when when I lose five pounds, when I get a better job, when I finally clean up my apartment, and so there's a sense within them that they're not datable and that they need to become a different person before they're going to put themselves out there because no one would fall for them with who they are right now.

and seventy five percent the effort you put in. And instead, in our society we've come so obsessed with like finding the perfect person instead of building the perfect relationship.

your three. I love the romanticizer, the hesitator, and the maximize. Ultimately, are we trying to just improve? I saw your email that came through with my assessment, which I thought was great, and he gave me really actionable tips to say, here is how to stop being X. He is how to improve this area of your life. What are we trying to get to because we're ultimately one of these three?

What are we trying to be.

have dating blind spots. So these are patterns of behavior or ways of thinking that are holding you back from finding love but that you can't identify on your own and in my coaching, and I'm sure you've felt this too, people often come in and they're like, my biggest issue is what I look like, or my biggest issue is that I work too much, And almost one hundred percent of the time that's not what their biggest issue is. Because if they knew what their biggest issue was, they

could fix it. But a lot of times it's something else that they don't realize. And so the point of knowing your dating tendency is to say something like, Okay, I'm a maximizer, I'm always looking for the next best.

I'm actually going to switch and become what I call a satisfy sir, which I can get into and really understand that if I want to move to the next level, if I want to go from the guy who dates someone for three months and then always tries to trade up, but I really want to get married and have kids. I have to overcome this tendency in order to move to the next stage, or else I'll keep repeating this for years to come.

you the most? The data point that you swa on you went, I cannot believe that's true.

they wouldn't be romantic. But what we saw in our data at HINGE is that is actually thirty percent more likely than millennials to believe in the idea of a soulmate, and they're thirty nine percent more likely than millennials to identify as someone who's romantic or idealistic about romance. And so I think that we should not cut this generation short and think, oh, they're not interested in romance. They really are. They really are yearning for romance, even to

the point of, you know, believing in a soulmate. W I said, I don't, but there's so much holding them back. And I know we'll get into it in this conversation, but really, this fear of rejection and fear of embarrassment, fear of cringe, and so this data point of gen Z actually being quite romantic has really stuck out to me.

couple of statistics that I pulled out. Great let's do in my mind that I think these speak to what we're struggling with in the dating landscape right now, and I wanted to share some, so we'll go through one at a time, and I'd love to get your reaction to it. This stat says fifty three percent of singles reported dating burnout, And I think dating burnout is what we're seeing all across the board. When you see that, talk to me about the behavioral science. Talk to me

about the reasoning why we're experiencing dating burnout? What is it?

Because we're all thinking it might be the apps, it that there's no good people out there left anymore, or the great people are taken. What is actually happening? What are you seeing?

it is lack of responsiveness. So I send you a message, we're going back and forth, and then you just stop response, and then it makes me feel like, what did I do wrong? Why are you rejecting me? Why doesn't anyone want to be with me? And I sort of spiral and after a while you just need to take a

break from that feeling. And so part of it is just I think in dating culture right now, we're really taking each other for granted, and there's a sense of like if I disappoint you, well, there's someone else waiting for me. And also there's no context, like if your sister in law introduced us, then you would know that if you did something not so nice to me, someone

would be hearing about it. But I think we are lacking some of that context right now, and we're just not treating each other with as much with as much integrity as we should be.

told me last week, Oh I'd scheduled a date. We've been talking for three days straight and then all of a sudden, even though we set a date in place in time when I text to confirm the person who's ghosted me, and it's like, I have no idea what went wrong, and so there's a sense of wanting everyone to be more confident, but there's also a sense of like how much can we take?

in a way are a bit removed from rejection. But I have a two year old and I was talking to different families about who we would do a nanny share with, and this woman basically wrote me like a breakup text, essentially being like, we don't want to move forward doing a nanny share with you. And I was hysterical.

And I know that sounds crazy, but it was like the first time that I'd really felt that rejection in a while, of someone like meeting you, getting to know you, and saying no, I don't want to quote unquote be with you. And I think sometimes married people forget how painful that rejection is, and so I just want to validate that feeling where yeah, dating really is hard. You're putting yourself out there and you're saying this is who I am, and then someone says yes or no, I want to be with you.

choose you as well. I think that's one of the reasons it's uniquely challenging is because it's outside of your individual effort and control.

And so I do often say to people that I work with, like, don't fall for the seductiveness of work, because yes, it's easily measurable and it can make you feel good when you get those promotions or that affirmation, but also remember that you should put effort into love too. I don't really think it works when you're just like okay, Like I'm just going to spend my twenties on work and then in my thirties I'll start dating, because you'll

probably be behind. You haven't developed the skills that you need to really be a great dat So.

that work feels like some guaranteed results. And I remember about a year ago, I was working on a project and I was talking to single daters in their mid twenties. I talked to this guy, like super handsome, fun guy, like definitely the type of person I would have been drawn to when I was in my twenties. And he was like, yeah, why would I go on a date that could potentially go nowhere when I could just be at home and edit a YouTube video? And I was like what, Like it blew my mind, Like I was

just I just didn't understand. And he was like, well, if I edit the YouTube video, like I know, I'll get this many views and I'll improve in this way, whereas the date has no guarantee. I think that's sort of one of the things that I'm seeing right now is that people are struggling with dating because it is a lot of unknown whereas work seems like more of an known quantity.

the human mind to be okay with investing in an area that has very little chance of return, but if you found the return, it's like striking gold and life changing. How do you discipline yourself to put an effort in an area which, as you're saying, is uncertain. I'm glad we're.

calling chalant dating. So everyone knows what nonchalant means. It means you act attached, you pretend that you don't care, and it's really this battle of who can care less.

And when I dug into why this is happening, I feel like a lot of it is because of this surveillance culture that we have now, where it used to be that if you sent someone a text message and it was a little embarrassing or you know, didn't quite hit the mark, like it disappeared, But now it gets screenshotted and sent to the group chat, or worse, it makes it onto Instagram or TikTok or someone's doing a

story time about it. And so I feel like we just live in a society where it's a lot harder to fail because if you fail, it feels like it's forever and it's shared with the world. And so what I'm seeing is that a generation that is afraid to embarrass themselves. For them it's like, the worst thing you

can be is sincere. The worst thing you can do is be cringe. And the truth is that most things in life worth having you have to take a risk for. I'm sure that you don't have this job because you just sat back and said, Okay, well, if a recruiter reaches out to me, I'll take that job. It's like you literally created your dream job and your dream life by taking risks. And I have found with gen Z that they's just such a fear of taking risks. And

we're finding this in the Hinge data as well. And so gen Z is much less likely than millennials to be willing to have a deep conversation on the first date. They are much more likely to say that they have a fear of being too much. And so you have this generation that's afraid of rejection, afraid of trying, afraid of effort. And then miraculously, this term came around chalant dating, where people are like, you know what, I'm tired of that, I'm tired of playing games, I'm tired of the battle

who can care less? And now we're really seeing that term has skyrocketed. So we've seen a two hundred and seventeen percent increase in that term in the last year. And on TikTok you'll see all these video like I want a chalant guy. I want someone to chalant me down. And so chalant dating is a combination of effort and vulnerability. It's saying I care. I'm going to show you that I care, and I'm willing to be vulnerable even at the risk of rejection.

which is the goal. If your goal is I want to find love and I want to commit to someone and being in a monogamous relationship long term, you're going to have to be chalant because guess what, even when you've been with someone for ten years, you still have to be schalant definitely. So the chalant never changes, it's

always there. It's always care if and vulnerability. And then it goes back to well, if you don't know what your goal is, then of course you care more about what everyone else thinks or being cringe or being left on red or whatever it may be. And so it's that goal piece I think is so important.

you know, come to the cottage. I want you to come to my cottage, And that's really about him showing

effort and being vulnerable, and that changes everything. And people have really been drawn to the show because it's about loving out loud and yearning for someone, and I think people are missing that, and we just have this entire generation and maybe even you know, more than just gen Z. That's sort of like sitting at home, hiding behind a screen, yearning for someone to yearn for them, but being so

afraid of showing effort. I just think it's a shame. It's like, when did effort be cringe? When did trying for something become embarrassing? I think if you look at the psychology behind it, it really has to do with fear of rejection. And we found at Hinge that ninety five percent of data say that they have this fear of rejection. But if you just have people sitting at home not willing to try, then they're never going to get this thing that they clearly want, which is finding a great partner.

comes back to what you're saying. There's another statistic here that hits on that exactly forty percent of men eighteen to twenty five have never approached a woman in person. It sounds like that's happening because of a fear of rejection. It sounds like that's happening because if I don't even know what to say, I don't even know how to start. It sounds like that's happening because we don't really do that anymore. So when me and you were dating at

that age, That's all I ever did. All I ever had to do was pluck up the courage to go over to a girl in a bar or a restaurant or in the mall and say, hey, can I get your number? And I remember how stressful that was, Like, it was stressful even back then, but that was the move. And sometimes you get rejected, sometimes it would work. And so how do we even encourage when we're saying people

are losing basic connection skills, conversation skills. People are worried if I go up to someone, will I look like a creep? People are worried I get rejected in public? How terrible will it look? Everyone has their phones out? Now? How do we even begin to think about giving people these skills?

it did impact your social skills. And a lot of the gen Z daters that I talk to say, you know, I'm much more comfortable communicating through a screen or I want to be able to check it with chat YOUBT first, And it's like, sure, you can use those as strategies to get to the date, but once you're on the date, it's still like the analog version of like two people talking. You have to be able to make conversation in terms

of people approaching each other in public. I think the answer there is really just to work on experiencing discomfort

and working through it and being able to see that rejection can actually be redirection. So when you hear a bunch of nos, those are nos that you're hearing on the way to a different yes. And so you have to get a bunch of nos to figure out what's right for you. And I think that if you're so fearful of a no, you never try and you never get to that yes.

And I find this is especially true with men, where there's this sense of women need me to be a provider, and for a number of sociological cultural reasons, they don't feel like they're able to be that yet, so they

don't even put themselves out there. But then, on the other hand, we have the research and the insights into what women want, and so only six percent of female daters say they want a man who's the solo provider, and seventy two percent of women on HINGE they'd much rather have someone who puts in effort than someone who makes more money, and so you have men saying I'm not eligible, I can't be the provider that I was told I need to be, and women saying, actually, things

have changed. I am more of a provider than my mother's generation or my grandmother's generation. And so what I want is emotional intelligence, emotional availability effort. And so you have two people who misunderstand what the other person wants, and then they're not putting themselves out there.

tension between men and women? So one of them being men, think they need to be earning six figures, women are saying, hey, we're happy to contribute. The other at tension points that you're seeing that you think of misleading us from the actual point of what we're looking for.

I just want simple things. I want him to remember the name of my best friend from work. I want him to know that I have a big meeting and send me a text wishing me good luck or following up afterwards. And so women are saying like, I want effort and I want care and that's more important to me than money, and the men are just like, well, I was raised to, you know, be a lion, and the lion has to provide. And women are like, wait, no, I want a tiger who's emotional, and he's like but

but I wasn't raised for that. And so I do feel like the dating hasn't caught up with the data. The dating of how we interact and how in heterosexual relationships people perceive each other hasn't caught up with the fact that we do live in a different society where women are earning more money and you know, soon two thirds of college graduates will be women, and so there's really a disconnect there.

their emotionally available, and then you're stuck in this catch twenty two. How does a group of men go on to you know, it's almost like a big challenge to say, how do we get society, how do we get men in society to actually develop some of those emotional intelligence skills.

still sort of figuring it out. Like there used to be more traditional gender roles, and I'm glad that we've developed past that. I'm glad that I can make an income, and like, I love my life and I love my career. But I also understand why people are confused, because when there's more ambiguity and more blurred lines, then people are figuring out their roles. And I think what you said

is exactly what I'm seeing as well. You have men who aren't sure how vulnerable women actually want them to be, and then you also have women that are successful in making money, and then they fear that men are going to find them intimidating or they don't just not yeah, And so I feel like we're just kind of in that messy middle where like there was the way things were for a long time, and like for most of history, like men have had all the economic power, all the

earning power, and then for a bunch of things that have changed, let's say in the last fifty years, with

feminism and other things that have progressed, you now have brand new rules, and I think people just haven't figured it out. But what makes me sad about it is it just leads to a lot of misconnections.

and your partner. I would say that my wife and I kind of toggle a lot of nuance for our relationship to work. We don't really have clear We have some very clear roles in some very not clear roles. We have some parts of our relationship that are totally different to what we both imagined our life would be.

We live across cities, we travel a lot, we spend a lot of time together and don't see each other for time, So there's so many nuances that we can't stay tied to our gender roles to make the relationship successful because that would just make us weaker and it's almost like we've got to rise above those, but the new rules haven't been set yet and we don't know what they are.

his department. And so I agree that there's a lot of nuance. I think that just pulling back and kind of zooming out. People are struggling right now because there are way fewer rules. Like if you went two hundred years ago, what were my ancestors doing. Well, I'm Jewish, so they would have known what to wear, they would have spent their days praying or studying the Torah, or knowing exactly what they could and couldn't eat. A matchmaker

would figure out who to marry. There were just so many more rules that told you who you were, and now we've broken open a lot of those rules, and

I think people are really struggling with knowing what to do, and in some ways they're craving rules. And so I don't think that where society should go, or certainly where I want it to go, is going back to traditional gender rules, honest saying yeah, and I don't want that at all, But I'm just acknowledging that I think without rules,

people are struggling. And you can even see this in the rise of certain aspects of the manisphere, or you know, Catholicism is having a moment where I think people really feel like I just want someone to tell me what to do, because when it's up to me, I don't think I'm necessarily making great decisions.

want to outsource them. So let's go through my results and then you can tell me how they can improve and what to do with them. So just a caveat again. I answered this as who I was when I was dating, and I answered this as friends of mine who are dating right now, because that was my best way of doing it. So it says thanks for taking my three

dating tendencies quiz, which everyone can take as well. We'll put the link in the on the screen right now, and in the comments, you scored equally high on the hesitator and the maximize tendencies.

right person, everything will be easy. And people with the work it out mindset know that when you're in a relationship, you have to put an effort to make it work. And so what we find is that people with this soulmate mindset, it's actually easy for them to get into relationships because they believe in love and they fall hard. But the moment that something tough happens, they think, can't be my soulmate. If it were my soulmate, it would

be effortless, and so they give up too easily. And so my homework for the romanticizers out there is to shift from the soulmate mindset, to the work it out mindset,

and to understand that if you're putting in effort, then you're doing it right not wrong.

need to know like every single detail. And like we do this when we travel and if we're eating something. And so there's a tendency in our culture to do what's called relation shopping, like to shop for someone as if it's a product, and then say, well, I want the looks of this girl, the ambition of this girl, the family background of this girl, and then to think, if we just keep searching, we'll find the perfect person.

And what happens is people just wait too long and then they realize I have I have fewer opportunities now, or the girl that I rejected ten years ago the guy said no to five years ago, like they've gone and found someone great and now I'm alone. And so for the maximizer, the solution is really to switch from maximizing to something called satisficing. So satisficing is a term from the Nobel Prize winner Herbert Simon, and it's a portmanteau of the words satisfy and suffice. So this is

how satisficing works. It's not about settling. Settling is such a curse word in my world. I'm sure for you too, Like no one wants to be told to settle. It's the s word. But instead, satisficing is this idea that you get super clear on what you want. You say, these are my deal breakers, these are the things I must have. You know, if you want to have the same religion as someone, if you really want them to care about animals, if you want to have a certain

number of kids. And once I find someone that has those really important qualities to me, I'm going to commit to them and try to make it work. Versus what a maximizer does, which is they find that person and they're like great, Well, if she exists, I'm going to find her. But an even hotter version. And so satisficing is really about knowing what's important to you. Finding someone that satisfies is that and committing. And this really important thing that I want to get across to people is

that it's not about making the perfect decision. It's about how you feel about your decision. And all of the research on maximizers show that they often feel regret about their decisions because once they make a decision, they're thinking, well, what else could I have had? Whereas a satisficer, they're much happier in life because they make a decision, they commit to it, and that's what matters. It doesn't matter to make the perfect choice. It matters how you feel about your choice.

every single day. And I think that you have to take mindset that you apply to work and other optimization and you have to switch it when it comes to dating and relationships.

like someone being of the same faith, it's helpful. But I know lots of people in my faith that I would never married, and so the point is that doesn't make them better at being in a relationship. It just gives us some common ground or like even like liking animals or whatever or maybe And I know those were just starting up throwing things out, but I hear things like that where it's like I really want to find someone, like I don't want to marry a doctor, And I'm like, what, Like,

how is that even a category? Because unless you're really clear about the fact, I don't want someone to have late nights and busy schedule, if that's the reason in but if it's a personality type attached to that career, I'm like, how do you even know that? Like, people are so multifaceted. It's not possible that every doctor in

the world is X or every you know. So I guess my point is sometimes I worry with people's top priority list because if your top priority list doesn't make someone a better partner and better at relationships, it doesn't actually matter.

to how they look. And this happens in many parts of life. There's this idea of adaptation. It's why a year after winning the lottery, many people's happiness levels revert to what they were before they won the lottery. We sort of get used to what's around. And that's also

true for the second one, which is money. Yes, money makes things easier. Money can get rid of some problems in relationships and buy you some time back. But I think when people focus too much on money, they really miss out on the fact that it's not correlated with long term relationship success. Other things that people mistakenly look

for include having really similar personalities. Well, I know that two of me in a relationship would be way too much, and two of my husband in a relationship might be too little, and so it's actually great to find someone not who's the same as you, but someone who balances you. And the same thing is true with people who look for the same hobbies. Yes, maybe if you both love wine, that's great. But if you love wine and your partner doesn't, you can go have fun drinking wine with someone else

as long as your partner doesn't judge you for it. Now, let's talk about the things that matter more than people think they do. So the first one is kindness. And I think that this is just completely underestimated, and part of it is because it's not that easy on a day app or just online to see someone's kindness. And so when you're out on a date with them, I want you to look for things like how they treat the weight staff, how they treat people that they don't

need anything from, even how they treat you. The second one is emotional stability, and this is really about someone who can get through a relationship and not react, that they can actually take a beat, see what the situation is and really respond rather than react. And this is correlated with great relationships. And then some of the other ones are a growth mindset, something that I know you

talk about on the show. And so someone who when they're met with a challenge, they can say, okay, well I don't have that skill, but I'll create that skill, versus somebody with a fixed mindset who says, you know, you're born with the skills you have and like, I'll never become good at that because I'm not good at that now.

constantly fight about it for your whole relationship. Like I'm an early bird and my husband is more of a late bird, and like we always disagree about time and when we get to the airport, and so it's about fighting, well, it's not about not fighting. And then the final one, which has become super important to me and as part of my questions of the post eight eight that we'll talk about, is what side of you that person brings out. And this is really crucial because so often we date

someone for their resume, their bio data. We say he has all the qualities my mom told me to look for. He went to the right schools, he has the right job. But if when you show up, he makes you feel anxious or insecure or less then or he doesn't laugh at your jokes, which makes you think, oh, am, I not as funny as I thought I was. Pay attention

to that. That is your body telling you that you don't feel comfortable with this person, and they're not bringing out the side of you who you want to be, because whoever you marry, you're going to be the side of yourself that they bring out. And so so much of what I try to do is to help people tune into their nervous system and to how they feel on the date and after the date, because who cares about the resume? Who cares about their job? Do you like who you are around them?

which just doesn't correlate. And I think so many people get into relationships because of all of the first script, and we don't even think about the second until you're deep into it, engaged, married, and then you go, wait a minute, like, this person isn't kind Like One of my favorite things about my wife is that she doesn't judge me like that has to be one of the most freeing, most beautiful things is that I can try something, I can do this, I can be bad at this,

I can be good at this, and I don't feel judged. And that's like the ultimate experience of kindness, where I don't feel like anything I do is judged, whether I work too odd or work too little, whether I made a decision there or here. It's there's a sense of trust, and there's a sense of commitment, and there's a sense

of understanding. At the same time, she's the first one who roasted me and called me out if she wants to, and she's able to do that too, And I think that feels so safe for me, at least in what kindness looks like. And I think of that as such an important thing to look for, as you've rightly pointed out from the data, as opposed to like, yeah, are they this tall? Do they hang out in the same

places as I do. Do they you know, whatever else it may be that comes up, What do you think is the biggest lie we've been sold in love?

So only eleven percent of people experience love at first sight with their partner. And so I think because of rom coms, because of Disney movies, we just sort of expect, like, I'll know it when I see it, he'll walk into the room, we'll catch eyes at the farmer's market, and we'll live happily ever after, And it's just not true, like so many people are with someone who they spent time with. I just saw this funny meme yesterday that

was like your coworker isn't hot. You just spend forty hours a week ten feet from him, and I was like, you nailed it. That's called the mirror exposure effect. Oftentimes, the more times you're around someone, or the more times you hear a song, the more you like it because you get more familiar with it. And so it's not true that if you don't feel the spark, you never will. The spark often does grow over time. And the second myth of the spark is that if you have it,

it's a good thing. So sometimes the spark is a good thing, and those people get married and have great relationships. But a lot of times it's actually our brains and our bodies giving off alarm bells, like I feel insecure around this person, does he like me? Does he not like me? And so we interpret it as chemistry when it's actually anxiety. And having done this research for a long time, I actually find that certain people are just

really sparky. They're either really good looking, or sometimes it's that they're really narcissistic and they can really layer on the charm. But that doesn't mean that they're going to be good long term partners. It just means that in the moment you felt this connection to them or this

attraction to them. But sometimes that spark is actually the sign of anxiety and not knowing where you stand with them. And the third thing, the third myth of the spark is that if you have it, then the relationship is viable, and that's also not true. I researched so many couples going into my book and for my other work that started with the they really had it at the beginning, and then they thought this is enough, but they fought

all the time. They didn't have shared values, and so yes, the spark can get you pretty far into a relationship, but it's not enough, and so make sure that you don't get into the wrong relationship because you met the quote unquote right way.

It's one of the reasons why we launched our production company, Perfect Strangers last week, because our goal was how do we create entertaining storytelling but that's actually based on reality, so we can transform these messages because like you said, we've all grown up watching two people lock eyes and everything makes sense or drive off with the happily ever after and that's what we want, and that's what I wanted, quite frankly, like that's what I was looking for when

I was a teenager, and I always believe that that's what love was. And now feeling like I'm in love and being in a loving relationship that's evolved. I don't think that's what love's like at all. But it's hard when you're dating and you're hoping for and you're going to all these dates and you're like, well, that was boring, that wasn't fun enough. And then you go and even if you're watching a TV show, a reality show which isn't real, like it's based on an island in the

middle of nowhere. Gosh, everyone's in bikinis and whatever, and it's like, that's not real life, and so how is that gonna You know, it's the mind. It's the kind of like the seeds of ideas that are planted in all of our minds of what healthy love looks like. You actually never see healthy love because it's just happening behind closed doors inside someone's house. They're not broadcasting it.

of your total relationship. And so when you hear that, you're like, who cares about the we met? But people want to say at the dinner party, well, I was

at the library and I was returning a book and he was looking for the same book. And it's like, yes, that is cute, and that is romantic, But what's romantic is the fact that you met and you're making a great relationship, not really based on how you met.

who's looking for someone like me? And so it really does a good job at connecting people who wouldn't have met otherwise. But I do think it introduces this idea of many choices, and people are struggling with that.

Just show me what you look like. That's really where to start, and obviously it should be flattering. Then you want to have a variety of photos that show me different parts of yourself. So it's almost like show me

the story of who you are. A mistake that I see people making a lot is you know, if a guy likes anime, he'll write about that on his Hinge profile. Have have photos from anime and it's like got it, you love anime. Hopefully the next person does too, But like, isn't there more to you? Show me more variety? And so you want to have the first headshot. Then you want to have a photo of you doing an activity

that you love, so it could be cooking, hiking. You know, my friend is a magician, he has a picture of himself on stage. Then you also want to have a full body shot. Some people don't like that, but it's true. People are looking for what you look like. And then you want to have one with friends and family. Give me a sense of what it would be like to date. You show me that you have people that care about

you and that you spend time with. And then for your prompts on Hinge, you want a mixture of humor and vulnerability, so you know if you love dad, jokes include that I love. On Hinge, there's voice prompts where you can record something funny. So my friend has one

where the prompt is how to pronounce my name? And then he says Joe, And obviously you know some people right back and they're like, what you think, I don't know how to pronounce the name Joe, And he's like, not for me. And other people are like, I love your sense of humor, so I think that's like perfect, And that actually leads me to a big point around profiles, which is that you don't want to attract everyone. You don't want to be chocolate ice cream that everyone likes.

You want to be, you know, mintship. You want to be something that some people like and some people don't like. And in our research at Hinge, we actually found this where we did an experiment. This wasn't on Hinge, it was like with different people and they knew there were anticipating where some people wrote on their profiles really specifically that they were looking for something serious, and other people wrote that they're, you know, just looking for someone kind

and adventurous. And what we found was for the people who wanted something serious, they liked those more serious profiles way more, and the people who weren't looking for something serious were turned off by their profiles. And that is exactly what you want. You want to turn the right people on and the wrong people off. You want fewer options, but you want those options to be really aligned with what you're looking for.

And so I think a random fact, it's like, okay, maybe that's a good conversation starter where someone can say I didn't realize that, but it's just not that revealing, And even being towards the top of the profile, it kind of feel like it's a little bit of a

waste of special special real estate love.

ways of being an entrepreneur. And so what I would say is my advice for him is to maybe be a little more specific because people might just assume the wrong thing. And my advice to people viewing this profile or other profiles would be, if there's something that gives you a yellow flag, don't just swipe left or say no,

actually ask instead of assume. Okay, So this next one, wearing the suit, I think what I get from it is that I kind of get the same thing as I do from the first one like, he's making a very similar expression. It's kind of shot from a similar angle. He's not really smiling. I feel like it. It's a cute too, but I don't get that much more information.

I'm fluent in sarcasm. I think this is similar where it's just like, I don't really learn that much about you. There's not a lot of detail. It kind of just makes you fade into the background.

me here, but still guys like step it up. Yeah, And then you know, I think I don't mind the tennis one, but I would much prefer to its from the front. And then the last one is him with his friends, and I'm kind of like, okay, I see the crew. So going back to the top, what I would say is, I want you to find a better first photo that really shows you headshot style clearly what you look like. And I don't really see you smiling with your teeth much, but I would love to see

one of those. I want you to just start from scratch on the prompts. I want you to give more specific answers, longer answers. I want to have a clear sense of who you are, what you're about, what you want, and I would maybe keep one of the more professional looking photos, either the first one or the one in the suit. I like the ones of you and your friends, but I would maybe choose no. I actually like both

of them. I think the tennis one. Can you try to get one where I can see your face and you know, just add more specificity and tell me more about what you're looking for, because right now I think this profile feels generic and I think we could make it more specific.

South Asian engineer, Like I know everything about him. And then I was like, he's actually so silly, and we made his profile extremely silly, and we added videos of him wearing different costumes and we really played that up. And then a few years after we stopped working together, he sent me a text that he was engaged and that the person that he had gotten engaged to had first liked his hinge video of him being really silly. And it's like, by being more clear about who he was,

you couldn't put him in a box. You could actually see who he was. And so I don't have a rating for this profile because I don't know the person. So I don't know how true to life this is. Yeah, but I think there's a lot of room for improvement and just be more chalant.

information and noise than we need. Like I think it could be crop more on her face. But I like it, and I think I the number one thing is can I see clearly what she looks like? And I can? Okay, the next one is my greatest strength, turning chaos into a good story later. I actually like that one to me. Reading between the lines, I get a good vibe from it, which is I'm a person that can deal with different situations, like if something goes wrong, I'm not going to fall apart.

And it actually reminds me. I used to work at Airbnb a long time ago, and we would talk about how, like a really great Airbnb traveler was somebody who knows that when things go wrong, that's when they get interesting. And like that's the vibe that I get from her, where she's not afraid of discomfort or adventure. She's like, it makes a good story later. So maybe I'm like overly reading into it, but I like that.

I want to hear about that story and so it initiates actually, and it also especially for women attracting men, it's like, just make it easy for them. Just make it so that like they know what to ask you, like you want them to ask more questions, Like make it easy for them to start the conversation. Okay, I like that it's executive assistant at production company, you know,

versus the person who wrote entertainment. There's more information. So she wrote Christian, and I think this is interesting because when I've gone through profiles with people that are swiping, sometimes they see Christian and they're like, well, I'm not religious. She must be so religious to put it on there. I just don't think that's the case. That's a situation where you should ask instead of assume. So does Christian to her mean that she's in Mass every Sunday or

does it mean that she celebrates Easter and Christmas? And so really finding out what that means to her, and then I love this. So on Hinde, she filled out her dating intentions, so she's looking for a life partner, and she filled out her dating type and she put monogamy. So, especially in the Bay Area, there's so many people who are like, thank god Hinge added dating type because I'm sick of going on dates with guys who are not monogamous.

And so anyway, I like that she used more of the information available and for someone who's not looking for those things, she's going to turn them off and that's a good thing.

like she's sort of glamorous. She has like, you know, a cute outfit, but it's really easy to tell which one she is. I go crazy for someone who can cook well a truly spiritual experience. I think that one's good. I think she could have more details, Like she could do another hook where it could be like like message me if you know how to cook Paea, or like let's have a French host competition, just something that's setting the other person up. Okay, the next one, he's a fantastic sure.

see what you're wrote. Being outdoors playing pickleball. She could play with you jay or spending time around any area that has dogs around. I think that's okay, Like I get a sense of her, but I think it could like have more detail or like being outdoors and playing pickleball like so similar, and so I would say, like great prompt. I think many people should use it, but I would like a little more specificity, like are you uh dumplings at home on a Sunday?

that's who she is, then she's portraying that. But I think it's possible and probable that there's more to her and that like, she looks great in all the pictures, but they are a little bit one note.

little more specificity. But I think she is like beautiful and chose great pictures and we do get a sense of who she is and what she likes.

for them to engage on. I really appreciate what you said about making it easy for men, because I mean I think about even back when I had to approach someone, it was so much more easy to approach a woman who made it easier for me to approach her, And it would take so much courage to approach someone who gave you no signals whatsoever. And so even for her if she really wants people to lean in, giving them that opportunity to say, let's have a cooking competition or

whatever it was, or whatever it may be. I think that invitation for action, that initiation is so important.

So this really trains the algorithm to show who you're looking for. Comments are much more likely to lead to a date than just sending a like, And it just shows more effort. Right, we're talking about chalant dating, so put more effort in hinge actually just launched something within the past few months called convos Starters, and it's a way to basically use AI not to write the message for you, but just to kind of spark inspiration where it's like if it's a girl playing chess, you know,

there might be like a little bubble that pops up that says like checkers versus chess, and then you can say, oh, yeah, that's a good idea. I'm going to ask about backgammon. And so it's kind of just like that little coach in your pocket that's telling you, like, if you're stuck on what to say, here are a few ideas, and it has it like for each picture and each prompt.

you're going to interact with people, overtaking an uber. And it's like these tech companies have kind of convinced us your life should be as convenient as possible and you will be happy when you reduce friction. And I think that's a lie. Like, think about the definition of friction. It's when two things rub against each other.

a date with you in the evening. It's like, in kind of protecting yourself from discomfort, you're really missing the chance to interact with people. And like, I'm just seeing this all the time, and I see it with myself. There just is that urge what's the most convenient option?

And I'm really trying to fight it in my own life, adding more friction in being more around other people, fighting the isolation. And so I think that when you approach someone in public, it is riskier and you might get rejected, but you're creating friction that might lead to a great result. And so I think all of us have to increase our ability to withstand discomfort because it's going to lead to great stories and so many more relationships.

new things to talk about, you have more experiences. We have a loneliness epidemic in the world anyway, and so the ability to just be in public places and bump into people and and other things like, I mean, I'm pickleball's biggest promoter, but it's I have made so many casual pickleball friends just by playing pickleball at public courts, and it's just one of those things where you just start a game up with someone and you get to know each other and next thing you know, you're hanging out.

And I feel the same is true. I was at a my friend runs a really cool acting class, and he asked me to come check it out and I went a couple of weeks ago just to observe, and everyone in his class, like you could tell they just have this amazing community. I was like, I wish everyone came to this class because there was such a great energy there and people are encouraging each other. They were kind, and I was like, you could easily find someone here

to match with. I was just thinking about all the possibilities of places where there is community built around something singular, almost like we know that just you know, thirty to

forty years ago, people to meet at their church or place of worship, people to meet in the building they lived in, Like you needed almost this singular place where you congregated for a particular need, which is how we met people, whether it was a Sunday roast or a family dinner and family friends were invited. And it almost feels like we've lost that. And I think that's what you're encouraging people to do.

taken this to the extreme. So during the pandemic, my husband and I moved into this commune with twenty of our friends, and so we each had our own little apartment, but you have twenty people living together and having dinner together every night. And those were some of the happiest years of my life. And yes, sometimes there was friction. You know, it was twenty twenty. We had to have

these like long, boring, antagonistic meetings about COVID protocol. But that was the price that you pay to live with your friends. And I think that we constantly choose what we think is best for ourselves, but what we really do is make things convenient, and then we are more isolated. And like when you're at home, behind your screen, you're not out there meeting new people. And it's not just

about meeting the guy you're going to marry. It's about meeting the girl who has a brother who has a friend who you're going to meet if you all go to that festival together. And I think that like if you tie a lot of the strings together that we're talking about, Like there's a loneliness epidemic. There's men and women who are thinking that the other person wants something

different from them. And like, the more times that you put yourself in places where you're going to meet someone, the more friction you're creating, the more opportunity for connection

that you're taking. And I hope that that's a big message that people take away from this conversation is be a chalant dat put your effort out there, be willing to get rejected, friction max put yourself in more situations where it's not convenient, but you're going to meet more people, And like, isn't that what life is really about?

it wouldn't be that valuable of a discovery. Like the beautiful thing about love is that you found someone who wants to work with you on it and you want to work with them on it, And how special is that? And if you felt that with every person you went out on a date with, or if every person responded to you positively, well, then we wouldn't value love as much.

The reason why we value love and long term relationships is because they're rare, because they're special, they're hard, they're not something that you feel freely available with everyone.

And so I think that it really deserves a lot of time, a lot of effort, and a lot of care, and that the more that we can put that effort in and not be afraid of it, the more great relationships we're going to have.

the right person the wrong time is not the right person.

It's like, if the environment that you're dating in is that they're not ready, Well, that means that you shouldn't be in a relationship.

instead of having a hard conversation, I'll just end it. And that really goes back to the ethos of what we've been talking about, Like, understand that relationships require inconvenience, discomfort, friction, and so when you have that first fight, say wow, I guess you feel really strongly about that, and let's have a conversation about it, versus being like, this is

too much work. And so I would say, yes, dating apps provide more options to meet more people, but don't treat people like their disposable because that's just a recipe for sort of burning and churning relationships. And really understand that each relationship is an opportunity to invest in someone.

person's willing to come at. I was wondering, I love that you have such I mean, your advice logan is so brilliant, and it's no surprise with the incredible work that you do online and offline, but I yeah, I

really mean it. It's so great and it feels so real and actionable and genuine to It's not playing a game. It's not some manipulation strategy. It's not you know, it's really authentic when it comes to evaluating a great date, because, as you said, we usually get distracted by the spark. If the spark is not there, we're probably not going to go out on another date. And if we force ourselves to god on a second day and there's no spark again, we're probably not going to go on a third.

I think we have very limited tools to evaluate a successful date, but I know you have an approach that is far more comprehensive. What should people be asking after they go on a date with someone.

got a table outside. So it trains your brand to look for the positives, and the same thing is true with this post date eight. So these are eight questions that you ask yourself after a date, and they are things like what side of me did the person bring out? How did I feel in my body around them? Did I feel relaxed or did I feel uptight? Did I feel heard? Did I feel attractive? Did they make me laugh? And what's really important is that these questions are not

are they good enough for me? Is he hot enough? Does she have an impressive enough job?

Are they good enough for my friends? Or sometimes we're just so lost in our own world of like will they like me? Do they like me? Right, we're in that opposite space. If am I good enough to hesitate.

of the greatest contributions I've had to the discourse. Is I get so many emails from people that are like, I followed what you said, I looked for the slow burn. I'm engaged with slow burn, and I'm so happy this is the kind of guy I would have overlooked. And way to use the post date eight is to do it after each date and to see over time do

I like them more and more? Because the sparky people often burn out quickly, and maybe after the third date you might say, oh, you know, like it turns out he's like a little narcissistic, or we don't really have that much to talk about, whereas the slow burn person, each time you date them, you were more curious about them, you like them more and more. So it's a journaling exercise really, to track how you feel with different people and if your interest in them grows or decreases over time.

again or not. They're really just like I love you in all your messiness. And I remember one time I was talking to my friend Kristen and I was like, you know, sometimes i'm a little avoidant when I have a hard situation. She's like, duh, we all know that, and like I got embarrassed, but I was like what she's saying is like I see you in your shadow and your light, and I love you for all.

foundation of acceptance. And when people want to find love,

like I want that for them so badly, because I also want them to tuck into their bed at night and like have that person that is unconditionally loving them. And that's really my wish for so many people.

a relationship, and he has this great word recalibration. So sometimes if someone's dealing with a hard situation at work, or a difficult moment with their parents, or you know, having young kids at home, you have to recalibrate your expectations, like maybe it's not going to be the most fun year of your marriage. Maybe you're going to have sex a little less often, maybe you're going to fight a

little bit more. So recalibrate your expectations in those hard moments instead of like exiting, just understand that it's going to be a slightly bumpier ride. And so I think that true relationships last through some really hard years, sometimes some infidelity, and that love is enough to get you into relationship, but it's not enough to keep.

a child, all these major transitions in life which naturally require us to re establish what our connection pattern is, what are the amount of time we spend together is all of that, And all of a sudden we just throw out the window and say, well, if you love me, it should be this way, it should be this way always and forever. But how would that even be possible.

It's fascinating that it's perplexing that were that way, But it's fascinating too that we think things staying the same is a sign of love.

being wealthy is a different state. And so if you're in a relationship and it doesn't feel as intense as when you first fell in love, that's the natural cycle. And if you just keep being a person that breaks up and searches for that falling in love again, you're sort of missing the bigger picture.

but it's true. There's kind of this joke that like the answer to every advice column is always like, have a conversation? What should I do with my neighbor who plays music? It's like, have a conversation? What should I with my mother in law she shows up without being invited? Have a conversation? Is like yes, Like conversations are what

keep relationships alive. Yeah, And going back to chalant dating, I saw this stat that was like ninety percent of women like what they really want is not to go to an expensive restaurant and not how much money the guys spent on the date, but really how invested in the conversation is he? And so I think communication is a huge one. And then I think the growth mindset that really encompasses a lot. It's like life changes, you'll change.

Do we feel like we're a team and we're on the same side and we're working together towards the life we want, or we adversaries that are in opposite sides of the pickleball court and when you win, when you win and you go away with your friends, I lose

because I have to stay home with our kid and instead it's like we over me.

the things that matter and don't matter. So as people get older, especially and you know, I have this Netflix show The Later Daters, and it's Daters over fifty five and so like, I have just seen this so much. The older you get, the more you add to your list because you're like, I've waited this long, she better be perfect. And so what happens is we confuse pet peeves for deal breakers. So what pet peeve would be

something like, I'll date anyone except a mouth breather. It's like, come on, like mouth breathing that's not correlated with relationships satisfaction or not satisfaction. It's like something that maybe annoys you, but it's not that big of a deal. Or like socks with sandals.

you know, going back to pet peece and deal breakers, the first thing I would do is make a list of what you think your pet peeves are what you think your deal breakers are, what your must haves are, and then truly think if I didn't have this thing, would it matter long term? So oh, I need a guy with a good sense of style. It's like, do you can you take him shopping? Like who cares? Versus something like I have asthma and I need a non smoker.

Going back to religion, you know, for you, maybe it wasn't just the religion piece, but for some people, if they're religious or they want to raise their kids in that faith, it is a deal breaker. So kind of go through each one and try to move things to the pet peeves category, and then when you're dating, go really hard on those deal breakers and be true to yourself, but be more flexible on the pet peeves because they don't matter.

a good bed. And so his list has everything from don't wear goggles, yeah, don't leave an event early, have a different font, having a birthdays in it, Like it's just.

But like it kind of goes back to the earlier part of our conversation around men and like the script that they follow, because it's like a lot of women are saying I make money, so I don't care as much if you make money. I want you to be more emotionally available. I want you to be vulnerable. But then they also sort of get punished when they are, and I think that that's just because we haven't really figured out what masculinity looks like in this age, and

it's like, why is having a birthday embarrassing? Like why can't like a thirty two year old guy like throw a birthday party? Why would that be cringe? And So, I mean, I have a lot of thoughts on the ICK, but maybe just the one that I'll say is that are you using the ick to push people away because you're afraid of being in a relationship and it just gives you a reason to reject someone and not get close to them.

had a vibe, you had a connection. But if you think about Hinge as kind of your club and your filters as the bouncers deciding who gets into your club or not. When you set really stringent filters on height, age, distance, you're really blocking so many people from coming into your club. And then you're going up to people like me and you and saying, where's my husband, where's my wife? I can't find them. It's like, yeah, cause they're all waiting in line. And the bouncer rejected that.

little bit of like will she or won't she? And I would say if you're looking for like long term partnership, like best friend is like a safer bet.

Like they help people, and I think they're useful as something to point to, but like they're not scientifically backed. Like, let's just talk about what love languages are, because like they've kind of become so pervasive in our culture with people wearing shirts that say like taco is my love language. So the love language is your preferred way of receiving love, and so it kind of helps you say to your husband, I don't care about gifts. I care about quality time.

Like for me, for Christmas, my husband said, like, make a list of what you want, and I asked him for five conversations that were each two hours. And I know it's like sounds so crazy, but like it that's what I wanted. I was like, I want a conversation about our housing for the future. I want a conversation around my health. I want a conversation around parenting. And like maybe it sounds silly and people would be like,

why did you have to ask for that. It's like cause we're parents of a young kid and we work a lot at my husband commute. It's like we don't have two hour quality time conversations all the time, Like we don't even have them that often, and so what I wanted was to have that quality time.

And so I think I fully agree with you on having to outline and ask for specific conversations, especially if it's really important to you and it's not something that you're just willing to also just throw into someone When you both just got back from work, put your baby to bed, and you're both exhausted, it's not possible to go on that Thursday night and say, hey, can we just talk about the finances tonight? Like that's going to maybe throw the other person off as well.

I was looking for. And I feel like that was so much more enriching to me than like, you know, some red light mask.

remind you of like an abusive relationship you're in. So I would say safety and foundation is like a must have, but then investigate is this healthy discomfort or is this unhealthy discomfort?

It's so usable in everyday life, and I think it's going to help people really recognize what's blocking them at the root, rather than just hey, you're just distracted or whatever it may be. We end every episode of On Purpose with a final five. These questions have to be answered in one word or one sentence maximum one sentence most likely, so logan Uri. These are your final five. The first question is what is the best love advice You've ever heard or received?

time is such a funny one because it's almost like we're waiting for the perfect time, which I don't think is what you're saying, But you're saying the timing of where your life is right now is going to let you know whether you'll find That's a.

husband hasn't gotten the memo on that. But I think if we were just all more honest about what we're feeling, what we're worrying about, what's going through our mind, we would just have much richer relationships.

I could tell she wasn't enjoying the experience. And I was kind of like, this's a nice place, you know whatever, And she just said to me, she goes, you know, my ideal day is not being at a fancy restaurant. It's being at Tesco's, which is our version of Walmart or Target or whatever. And she was like buying some bread and cheese, and making some sandwiches like that would

be my ideal day. And I was like, got it, Like I understood it, and like I think the next day we like literally went down and walked down the grocery al and bought bread and cheese and went And it was just to me, it was so useful to have that early on because I knew I liked RUDDI I didn't care whether we were at a fancy restaurant or not. And I think if she hadn't told me that, because she was like, oh my god, maybe I'm going to turn him off, maybe I'm going to scare him.

Maybe maybe I'm you know it's And I'm like, well, if I did, then I was just the wrong guy. Like it was to me, it felt like a fair thing to say you're allowed to like different things or tell me what you like. We're getting to know each other. I don't know. I think that honesty piece is so important.

know that we can talk through any situation. Or my friend Ellen is obsessed with feedback and she's so good

at receiving it. And I remember one time for guess it was for Father's Day, Like the gift that I gave my husband because he loves the New York Times crossword is that like Ellen and her husband Niehark, came over and we all did the New York Times Sunday or I guess a Saturday crossword like like on our projector and like every time I would throw out a word, Ellen would say, I mean, now I'm like throwing her

under the bus. But she was sort of like that's not even the right number of letters and this and that, and I told her later, I was like, I'm not that good at crosswords, but I was just kind of having fun and you kind of like embarrass me where I didn't want to participate, and she was like, wow, thank you, so much for telling me that, like I know, I have a competitive streak, and like the way she received it, where she was like truly so grateful for it.

I just felt much closer to her. And I think that when you're honest with someone and they receive that as a gift and not with defensiveness, it just makes you feel like you can go deeper and deeper with that. And I think a lot of people are afraid of the truth and afraid of rejection when it's really like, being honest with someone is a way to get more intimate logan Uri. The book is called How to Not Die Alone logannuri dot com. For the quiz, please please

go and do the quiz. You'll get your results. You'll be able to learn so much more about what's been blocking you in dating. You'll also be able to strike up a conversation with friends who are going through similar things. So I really hope you check it out. Logan Is there anything else you'd like to share, any inside advice

or anyway you'd like people to find you more? Check out the Netflix show it's called The Later Daters, and I also offer coaching and matchmaking and there's a lot more great info on my site.