Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)

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and somatic practices. Her teachings, influenced by diverse spiritual traditions, connect ancient wisdom with modern relationship dynamics. Jillian's first book, It Begins with You, has Nine Truths Everyone should know, the nine hard truths about love that will change your life. And it's going to be out on January fourteenth. Make sure you go and grab a copy if you're trying to figure out your love life right now. Please welcome to On Purpose, Jillian Tareki. Jillian, it's great to have.

comes to love. But I wanted to start off with asking you because this is I always trying to get a sense of what our audience is worried about and concerned about and challenge with. And one of the big things that keeps coming up is what are the three biggest mistakes I'm making in dating right now?

get out there. You have to be proactive. Look, there are people who are sitting around on their couch waiting for like that person to fall onto the couch next to them, and it's not going to happen that way.

So you can either live your life to the fullest and enjoy your life and trust that one day organically it may or may not happen if you put yourself out there and you why din your circle, or you actually have to be proactive, and that might mean going on a like dating like it's your business, like going on a bunch of dates every single week with this

low of an expectation as possible. Because one of the biggest mistakes that people make in dating, like I have nothing but compassion and empathy for this, but you're texting with someone, you're kind of excited, you feel like there's a vibe, and then you go out and you're like, oh, I don't feel spark or I'm not into it, and then there's this People then get into learned helplessness. And when they go into learned helplessness, they're like, you know,

it's the why me. This is never going to happen. It's this state that I am in is permanent, like I will never find anyone.

see that person again, but at least you're practicing. So the three biggest mistakes is just focusing on the apps and not actually expanding your circle and doing new things and letting the certain things unfold organically. Number two impatience. Number three just sort of high expectations. But I want to add another one if I can. People will get into these very long I mean when I say long, like weeks texting exchanges with these people, and it gives

them a false sense of intimacy. Oh I have this amazing connection. They never even met the person, and then maybe they never meet. Don't do that text a little bit back and forth like a day, and make a date to either meet on FaceTime zoom or in person. You really should go about it as if your time is too precious to waste texting back and forth with a stranger who may not be available for a month, for a month or more. And then you're getting all excited.

I understand, like the thrill of it, and it's all it's exciting, but it's such a waste of time. Honestly, you know, meet the person.

doesn't work out. And rejection, by the way, is two types of rejection. One type of rejection is that person doesn't want me, and the other type of rejection is that person doesn't meet my expectations or that person I don't want to be with them. Yes, so I'm not just saying rejection in that we're scared of, well, what if that person doesn't like me. We're also scared of that, am I going to reject another person? And like you said, with the high expectations, what do we do about both

of those types of our fear of rejection? Because let's take the more obvious one to start with. We all want to be loved, we want to be liked. We all want the next person to be the person. Yeah, chances are that's not going to happen. We know that, Yeah, but still we struggle with the fact that I'm going to meet someone and they're going to say, well, you're not right for me, or you know, don't don't really want to see you again. Like, how do you get

over that? Because we talk about it in an entrepreneurship, we talk about it in life, but when you do it with love, it seems so personal.

we can confront rejection. Like, you're not going to be for everyone. And I really believe this with all of my heart and soul. If someone is not into you for whatever reason, like let's say you're in the early dating process, they're not attracted to you, they're not feeling a spark, whatever it is, they absolutely are not for you. I can guarantee that. So it's important to build that resilience against rejection muscle. First of all, it makes a

person more attractive. Second of all, it's just part of life. And I know that it's like you're putting yourself out there. But I wish there was like a magic pill that I could give people to just get over it. But you have to become more resilient when it comes to that. You know, you can't be hiding behind text and not actually meet the person. It sounds hard, but you have to be stronger than that. Honestly, you really really do. And you have to just trust that, like you're not

for everyone and not everyone's for you. And yes, it's awkward, and maybe we can just all acknowledge the awkwardness of it all, you know, but you still have to If you want love and you want a relationship, you have to go for it. You can't just be passive.

won't be the next person. So switching to that, you said one thing about kind of going in at the lowest baseline expectation, which I agree with, because then you're allowing it to become a friendship. You're allowing it to become a nothing ship. You're allowing it to become what it is. Yes, as opposed to us walking in and going this next person's going to be my wife, my husband, whatever it may be. Yeah, my partner. I think it's so natural for so many of us to want to

speed up love. Yeah, like speeding up love seems to be our addiction and obsession with I just want to meet the one now that we're daying, I just want to get married now, you know, it's we're trying to accelerate love almost So how do we slow it down? And how do we take it back to baseline?

this is this is really really important. Love, as I'm sure you know, is a choice, Like it's a feeling for sure, But we're so conditioned to believe that love is just a feeling as opposed to a choice, and that when if you do decide to be with someone long term, you're going to have to make that choice many many times throughout your relationship, which is I choose you, right, So people want to rush it, and so what they do you and what I've done is that we lie

to ourselves. And it's also because we've been lied by society that there is in romanticism, that there is this one person who's going to come into your life and rescue you and make your life better, and that once

you find that person, like everything becomes easier. And I'm certainly not advocating for people being in difficult relationships, but the more challenges you've had in relationships, the less that you've been modeled what it is to actually really love someone, the more you are going to be challenged to overcome and transcend old things and old patterning to actually love someone and to do love to where it's a verb and not just a feeling. So how do we slow

it down? And we just want to rush it? It's about acknowledging that feeling. So a lot of people they meet there's chemistry, and I know that this was me. I think if there's chemistry, then this is it as opposed to, well, maybe in the past there's been chemistry, and I haven't had chemistry with the right people, So maybe I need to slow down a little bit and sort of process my enthusiasm. And it's not about I don't want anyone to I don't want to reign on

anyone's parade. Like all that stuff is really fun in the beginning, but you want to just say, okay, hold on, what am I feeling right now? This feels really good, this is really exciting. But I need to slow down because I actually need to uncover this person's character. I

need to uncover their values. I perhaps need to get a little bit clearer on what it is that I need, what it is that I value, and what it is that I really really want, Not just my preference, but what do I need in order to function in a relationship. Do I have some understanding of myself? You know, it's difficult women, childbearing, age, societal pressures, get married. I understand.

I have nothing but compassion for that. The more that I can stress that who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your entire life. And we are meant to kind of get it wrong, and some of us get it wrong for a longer time than others right, But it is the most important decision. So if you're going to rush that, you're really truly doing yourself a disservice. And you have to get comfortable with the fact that, yes,

you're scared. You're scared to be alone, you're scared to not be loved. You don't want to be in the dating world. I get all of that. Be mindful of it, you know, connect to that within yourself, and remind yourself always that who you decide to spend your life with might be one of the most important decisions, if not the most important decision, because there's no one in your life who's going to have a bigger impact on your overall well being and emotional state than the person who

you choose to spend your life with. So you've got to take that decision very seriously and not rush it.

person's character. You think you just discovered it, but actually they showed it all along and you didn't see the signs, And now you're thinking, gosh, I was happier when I was single, and you can't see that when you're single, because the promise of being in a relationship is so alluring and intoxicating that we feel like I must have that now.

But there's some really good theories. So one theory, when someone is not paying as much attention to us that could trigger attraction, and one of the reasons is, well maybe they are, like, maybe there's something really special about them and so we put them on a pedestal, and where we are on the spectrum of our self esteem impacts that greatly. So we are on the lower end of self este then we are going to meet people

often and think that they are better than us. If our self esteem is on the healthy level, then we kind of are like, well, I'm not better than anyone else, and no one's really better than me. We are all one, right. And then there, of course there's the grandiosity, which is they think everyone is sort of below them in some way.

But the people who I work with and most of the problems, and I think the people who probably write into you, there's more of a lower self esteem issue happening where they put someone up on a pedestal and they project unconsciously their ideal partner onto this person. Maybe this person looks exactly like a childhood crush or like you know, the actor who they were always in love with, or maybe there is just something about them and their vibe that they're like, this is the person that I want,

and or maybe it's their job. The things on the surface, people will then think I must get this person, because if I get this person, then I'm actually getting everything that I've ever wanted in a partner. On the surface, if I get this person, I'm validated. I'm going to have a good life. Right, So it's all an illusion. It truly is all an illusion. Then there's like the deeper childhood wounds of my father was very rejecting. I'm putting this in the context just because I'm a woman

who dates men, so I'm just thinking more. But it could be you know, obviously whoever you date, but if one of your parents was rejecting of you, and that's all you ever knew, and so you never really felt

good enough. So actually, in dating and in love, your sort of like center of gravity psychologically is I work really hard to earn love as opposed to understanding or being used to no, Like, all I have to do is be myself and the right person is going to fall madly in love with me, right, you know, be myself with a little dosage of like also let me check myself.

and I think they're good ones. Fear of intimacy. You know, if and this is all unconscious, if I'm into the person who's into me, then we actually have to be in a relationship, and then I actually have to be vulnerable, and then I actually have to be emotionally available, and then we're going to build this thing. And like, ooh,

that's icky and scary. What's easier for me is to go for the person who's completely emotionally unavailable, who's actually not that into me and may not even be that nice to me, but they're hot and there's something about them and I really want to have sex with them, and I'm just going to use that as sort of

like an inn. There's some deeper healing needs to go on there, like that might require therapy, that might require looking into your family of origin and trying to understand that there could be like for a woman who's dating a man. You know, maybe she has a very misguided understanding of what it is for a man to be masculine. Right, So a woman typically is looking for lots of different things, but a lot of women who date men are looking

for a man. Or she wants to feel safe. She wants to feel safe, and she wants to feel seen, she wants to feel understood. Maybe she's looking for some providership and maybe that has nothing to do with money, but just has to do with energy and vibe, right, And so then she'll look to the man who may on the outside seem strong. Maybe he's tough, you know, maybe his physique is big and strong. Maybe he's got a little bit of like that dark edge. So she

reads it as, oh, he's going to protect me. There's something masculine and sexy about him. But on the inside, he's broken. He has no idea how to love because he doesn't know how to love himself. He's not safe. He's actually very unsafe. Even if not physically, he's going

to be unsafe emotionally. And so there's a maturity that needs to happen to understand that, like your type, you have to get under the hood of the car a little bit more and understand, Like, if you're looking for those qualities in a person, and I'm just using this an example, then really what's actually going to be safe is someone with strong character, someone with presence, someone who has a sense of self, who can actually feel safe

in his or her own body. And when they can feel safe in their body, they can actually provide safety for you in the relationship. And that you also have to understand how to make yourself safe. So there's a lot going on. I hope I'm not saying too much, but yeah, But so there's maturity level here, there's misguided understanding of what it is for someone to truly be embodied and safe and valued, and then there's also childhood wounding and they could be all part of it.

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as their weakness. And if someone's not into us, we see it as their strength. And it goes back to where you start this book, is that it all begins with you, because all of that is made up in our minds because we're saying, oh, well, if you're into me, then that means you must be weak because you're into me. If you're not into me, then that means you must be really specially important because you're not into me. And

so again it comes back to us. And so when you say it begins with you, you, how do we learn to acknowledge our strengths and accept our weaknesses? How do we learn to build our self esteem at the same time as have self awareness? Yeah, of our shortcomings? What does that look like?

about like, oh, you're the problem. It's really rarely that it's one person who's the problem in a relational dynamic. Yes, it does exist for very extreme cases, and I'm never going to say that it's fifty to fifty. You know, it really could be someone who's seventy percent of the

quote unquote problem and someone who's thirty percent. But if you can see that your relationship or your life is really the product of the choices that you make, and that it's not your fault if you didn't learn, Like, we're all trying to figure out what it really truly

means to love someone. Philosophers have been talking about this for centuries, trying to understand what love is or is not, and especially if you were raised in a family where like your parents really kind of didn't love each other. You know, maybe they said they loved each other, but their actions would speak otherwise. So we're all really trying to do the best that we can do with the tools that we have. And really this book is just about giving tools. So how do you build self awareness

and also have the self esteem. You're never going to raise your self esteem by being too precious with yourself. You have to be willing to be brave and to look at the hard things, but also at the same

time knowledge how strong you are. Like, let's just start with that, Like all the miles that you've walked, all the things that you've had to overcome, all the struggles, all the late nights that maybe you've had of being really anxious, and yet you still manage to go to sleep and get up the next morning and get ready for work or get your kids ready. It takes a tremendous amount of resilience just to be a human being. So just acknowledge that and at the same time get

really curious. We are very complex, weird creatures, you know, Like we're all so nuanced and quirky. Don't think that you're so unique in your problems, Like you are not. These these things that you worry about, millions of people are having the same worry at the same time. That's actually not what makes you unique. Your problems don't make you unique. The other beautiful things about you are actually

what makes you unique. Yeah, The healing happens when you can acknowledge the way in which maybe you've been standing in your own way and contributing to whatever it is that you don't want to have in life.

the mindset? Because it could be valid or it could be something you came up with, but either way, what do we do with that?

don't really think that's true. And then our guy friend who was there, was like, that's really not true. But she has this core belief and it's reinforced because she's gone on dates with men and they've sort of not really valued getting to know her and have made advances that were really inappropriate. But guess what, she gives them a second date, and then she gives them a second date, and then it's even more reinforced. And I said to her, and she wanted me to be really brutally honest with her.

I said, first of all, that's actually not true. Sure it's true for some, but it's actually not true. There are actually men out there who will be very attracted to you in a way that they want to know more about you, Like they're drawn to you, they're magnetized to you. Yes, it's attraction in the beginning, it's less, but they want to they want to know you, and

they want a relationship. There's millions of men single, men who want love and want a relationship, but you're choosing the ones who kind of suck and who just want that from you, And you are actually rewarding their behavior by giving them another date. So you're part of the problem. These men are getting rewarded because they're getting some smart and tent and beautiful woman. They're getting a second date after they are treating you like they could care less

about you. So you are actually training these men to do more of what they already do, instead of being like, yeah, I'm not interested and absolutely never seeing them again, and deciding to be a little bit higher with your standard and a little bit stricter with your sort of boundaries about who you decide to date. I think that's actually a really good example of how someone can get really fixated on a belief. And your beliefs are what create

your mindset. Then your reality becomes a reflection of your belief system, and yet you don't even realize the things

that you're doing to reinforce it. Hence it begins with you and so having this conversation and also having like a really good looking partnered man at the table when I say good looking, I mean on the inside on the outside, like you know, a great catch, saying absolutely, that's not true, and then me pointing out her sort of pattern and all that we were able to kind of chip away at a belief that was actually the

belief that's keeping her single. Yes, yeah, it's a combination of things of challenging yourself like is that really true? Where did I adopt that? How am I reinforcing that? Could it be true that I've had a couple of bad experiences? But sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles, and that doesn't necessarily mean that it's everyone.

to be. Yes, listen, chemistry is important. You've got to be attracted to the person if you want to sleep with them, But you want to also train yourself to be drawn to certain qualities like someone's character, and give people who you are like, oh, you know, there's something kind of interesting about them. I don't know if I

feel an immediate spark. Screw the immediate spark. Let's see if you're actually like who you are and when you're with this person, and I'm not saying endless amount of time you can't force chemistry, but it can sometimes turn on like a light switch after three or four dates. If when you get home from the date, you're like, I had a good time, but I'm not sure if I feel the spark. They're not really my type. That whole chatter.

to it, so is everyone else in the room. So you're not special, and you don't have a special inclination towards that person. And chances are that that aura doesn't make them a good partner. Yes, And so you might be attracted when you walk in and you hear someone speak and you're like, Wow, they're so intelligent, they're amazing speaker. That's not their character. You walk in and you see someone in their dress really well and they've got all

this swag in this charisma. That doesn't mean they're a good partner and have good character. You see someone who has an amazing job and makes all this money and drives a really great car. That's not their character, doesn't make them a good partner. And so it's almost like everything we're attracted to about someone isn't what makes them a good partner and makes them good at a relationship. You keep saying the word character, and I agree with you. Conundrum,

what is that because we're not even seeing that. It seems like we look at how people think and we're attracted to that. We look at how people look and we're attracted to that. We look at what people do and achieve and we're attracted to that, and none of that makes someone a good partner. No, they're completely different things, right.

attracted to. I do think though, and I would really be curious to hear your thoughts day, Like I do think that with maturity and maybe that's age and wisdom and that looks different for everyone that you do start to find other things attractive, like for me personally, so one who's like really present with me and like a good listener. It's not a guarantee. If you're really present with me and a good listener, that doesn't mean I'm

going to be attracted to you. But if you're not present with me and you're not a good listener and you're not interested, that's definitely going to be a turn off. Whereas in the past, I would have felt that in my body, I would have felt that red flag and then intuition that would have felt off in my body, but I would have suppressed this is what And I'm saying this about myself because I represent so many people who are I know do this too, because I see

it all the time. Let me just repress that because I want to be seductive. I want to lure them in. I want the validation. I think they're hot, you know, maybe there's something there, And I think with maturity it translates as actually, no, like that's actually a really big turn off when we start to have a clearer sense of self. And I don't believe that anyone is ever fully whole. Ever, I think that's I think that's the journey, and I think that's the biggest lie. It's two whole

people coming together. I mean, if that's really the truth, then we're all screwed, honestly. However, having no sense of self and no center is problematic too. Life isn't binary. It's not black or white, but it's we live in the gray area. But I do think that as we do get sent a clear understanding of ourselves, meaning what's important to us? You know, what are the things that

we struggle with? Can we find some sort of self acceptance even in the midst of our greatest ambivalence towards the things that really we don't quite like about ourselves. Can we start to actually hold ourselves in high regard, even though we are keenly aware of our imperfections and the ways in which perhaps we're difficulty And to me, that's healing is really being able to be familiar with the parts of ourselves that are good and maybe not so great, and still accept ourselves and see that we

have intrinsic value and that we deserve love. And I think that the more that we get an understanding of how to meet our needs better understanding what our needs are, learning how to stand on our own two feet emotionally

for some people, that's financially whatever it is. Then who we are attracted to changes, and the things that maybe we used to be attracted to we're not so attracted to, or like, I mean, I've definitely in the last couple of years have been like, oh my god, like that is the guy totally would have gone for and like what, But I know that that is not right for me, So I kind of I just switch it off. I

don't indulge it. It's like I can actually compart to menalize and be like, yes, totally attracted him, but I know that that would never be the right partner for me, So I don't even They're just putting this box over here, and I don't pursue that. Yes, that does not mean that I can't be attracted to a really good person. It just means that we can be attracted to many

different people for many different reasons. And the more that we heal and grow, the more we find qualities that are maybe not so you know, charm for it, Yes, very attractive.

in chemistry. But now if I actually look at what I want in my thirties or my forties, it's peace and it's a connection, and it's a sense of comfort as opposed to the unease of do we like each other today? Do we not like each other? So you asked me earlier or alluded to it. So I'm very attracted to my wife, but that isn't what's kept us together, right, That would be a very weak reason to stay with someone, because you can be attracted to many people again and

again and again. The reason why you stay with someone is because there's peace, there's no drama. We both forgive quickly, we both move on.

much more than chemist an attraction. I have a friend that I was talking to the other day and she said she was out on a date. She got back from the day and she usually does this. She messaged me straight way and her messages said, Jay, he was perfect, he said all the right things. We have the same values, great family, guy character. I can't believe. I don't want to go out on a second date with him.

in life. Even friends who because of their cultural tradition, came out later on in their life, they found that their first few relationships, even though they were thirty one years old when they came out, they were still dating like a sixteen or eighteen year old because it was their first relationship. So it wasn't a material AIDS thing.

It was a mental and relationship AIDS thing. So if you're someone who hasn't dated for a long time, yeah, your age of relationship is actually much younger than you're actual age.

you probably actually won't. But that's okay, because if you are at least attracted to someone and you feel safe with them, you can explore so much more. You can go into the depths of your vulnerability with this person and then create a sex life that can be very wonderful with that person, and that's what you want to do. For some people, they even say, you know what, I just I've deprioritized that. You know, they've been through so much crazy in their relationships that they actually have made

the decision. It's not that it's not important, but they've deprioritized it because they've associated with so much pain. So everyone is on a different journey. But ultimately the sixteen year old self, like, you just have to just acknowledge that person and be like, no, you're not in charge, because what you want is actually not good for you absolutely. Yeah.

also want them to like us. And yeah, so what does that look like for me?

a progression to getting to know someone. It's like you know someone, then you're getting closer, and then you're sharing a little Then you're starting to open up and be vulnerable. You don't have to do that on the first date. But in terms of honesty of what it is that you really want, what it is that you really need, I think right from date one, I agree, this becomes more complicated in when you're actually in a relationship. You know,

I spent many years not really telling the truth. I've worked with many couples where there's a lot of love, but they weren't telling the truth. Fear of not being enough, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection. This is where rejection really is intense, when we already love the person. Fear that we might disappoint our partner, fear that they will never look at us the same way, fear that they will resent to all of that, and these are very real.

But withholding the truth is what becomes the sickness in the relationship. And I always say, you don't just have the hard conversations for you or for your partner. You do it in service of love. You do it in service of the relationship. When two people in a relationship have the mindset, since we've been using that word, have the mindset of I'm going to protect our relationship, that's

the priority. Sure, you're a priority priority, but what we are building together that's our baby, Like, that's the priority. And so if it means having to have really uncomfortable conversations, if it means having to say something instead of going into what's familiar, which is stuffing it down and becoming resentful and then hating your partner for it, It's like, whenever we have a higher purpose, whenever we feel like there's something that we're working towards, we will do what

it takes. We'll climb that mountain, we'll transcend that ego, we'll transcend our fears because we're doing it in service of something greater than ourselves. And in a relationship, your relationship has to be the thing that's greater than the two of you. That's the encouragement that I want to have people to have to tell the truth, because it really sucks when you don't. It's very hurtful.

back and forth. So if someone has withheld information or broken trust in that way, not being honest because of the fears you mentioned earlier, which I think we're very well and clearly laid out, how do you repair that? What does that look like?

look at it. It's hard, We suppress it, we don't want to express it. But how do you repair from that? Well, again, it depends. Maybe you need a third party understanding you know what exactly, what were the boundaries that were crossed to what degree? How much can you find compassion for the person when they were withholding the truth? How much can you see that it actually wasn't personal and that it was just something that they were doing because they

were afraid. You repair with a lot of listening, a lot of communication, and possibly with a third party. But yeah, it's not easy, and it depends on the degree of again, if it's actually a betrayal or this is hard. But we have to learn to not take so many things so personally because oftentimes, and I'm not talking about infidelity and things that are really detrimental to the sanctity of a relationship, but oftentimes people are doing that and they

just were too afraid. It's like, well, why didn't you tell me how you feel. You have to tell me how you feel, and yes, you kind of do, and you have every right to feel sort of like a mini betrayal from that, like how can I show up for you? How can I be in this relationship if

you don't tell me how you feel? And that's very valid, But if the other person can say, you're right, I was afraid, this is what I was afraid of, And then two people are really starting to tell the truth and now we're really getting into the deep stuff and getting vulnerable.

that's just not reality. Like people are going to change if they want to over a number of years. Yes, And the key part of that is if they want to, and a number of years and a number of years and we're so focused on No, they have to change, they have to change, They have to change.

not feeling comfortable to telling the truth. Like people come, they come to a couple's counseling and a couple's therapy, they sit down and inevitably both people are thinking the other person so that I can be okay in this relationship, when really it's when we change ourselves. We actually can influence the relationship and the change and the other Not always,

but a lot of the times we can. If you have the belief they just need to change and be fixed and we're going to be okay, you are in for a run for your money because that's actually not true. Like maybe they do have to change more than you, but there are things that you need to change in this dynamic as well.

I mean, that's really what we're trying to do in so many ways in a relationship is how to combat in a long term relationship, how do we combat boredom? And really it starts with are we becoming more interesting? Are we growing? Are we trying new things? You know, are we not just are we doing new things together? But are we doing things individually? But if you fundamentally think that your partner needs to completely change who they are,

you're not with the right person. But if you can accept them for who they are but also want them to evolve and change certain things about themselves, look, many people will come will have to come to a moment where they ask themselves, is this enough? You know, like, can I tolerate this? And all I would say is no, one is perfect. Everyone's growth is ultimately their own business, their own evolution, their own business, and people grow in

different ways. But if you want an apple, then you have to sit under an apple tree, not sit in like a pear tree and then expect the apple to come down. So you have to know who your partner is fundamentally and be okay with that.

And by the way, the same is true for you. And how did you become this way? And how did you expect all of this to be this way? And so I feel like that You've talked about this a few times today, this idea of curiosity, learning about your partner, understanding how they got there, and all of a sudden, when you understand that, you go, oh my gosh, I get it now, And now I understand how long it will take to unwire or rewire that as well, if

they want to, and if they notice it. As opposed to this idea of well, I snapped my fingers, and you should get it. You should know how I feel immediately. Yes, I agree with you completely. I don't think there's at least in my relationship. I learned that the smart way to be early on was respecting my partner's values and having her respect mine, and not trying to change our values because we couldn't. Like I don't think I could change deeply.

people expect perfection in others. You know, one mistake that many people have made is it's okay that I'm flawed, but unconsciously I'm looking for this person who's so perfect, who's going to actually make up for the deficits that I have in my in my personality and make up for the deficits that are actually inside of me.

And you have one text thread over here with like nine girlfriends, and then you have you post it on Instagram and say I'm dealing with this on my stories just to your private friends, and then you reach out to your family and your parents, and so you're talking to like twenty seven non experts about something in your life, and no wonder you're confused because everyone has their own opinion, someone saying give them another chance, someone saying, oh leave them,

someone you know, and you've just got these You've also got actions to take without understanding. Yes, And I wanted to ask you, if there is no the one, how do you know who to focus on? How do you know who to kind of make it work with?

You feel like you can safely express an opinion. You feel like you can be yourself with them. That's so important. I think that is probably one of the most underrated criteria for choosing a partner is can you really be yourself with them? I'm not talking about be your bad self, your lower self with them, but can you actually be who you are? Do you feel comfortable in your skin when you're with this person or do you have to hide parts of yourself so that they can accept you?

So I think that's the most important thing. And so someone with whom you share values, someone with whom can you agree on what a life well lived is, because you can have there could be a wonderful connection with someone, But to them, they want to live a nomadic lifestyle and you're like, no, no, no, I want to root and have children. Like it's not going to work. You might have a great love affair, but you're never going

to work long term. So agreeing on what a life well lived is there's some compatibility and just in terms of core values. I think that's incredibly important because when in the duration of your relationship things get really hard. Life happens, family members die, maybe illness happens, money, whatever it is, it's your values. It's not your sex life. It's your values. Like as you were saying that, there's not attraction or chemistry, your values that are going to

really keep you together. And I think it's you know, that person who if you had to be stranded on a desert island like that would be the person you'd want to choose. And that's how you know, and all their little eccentricities that annoy you and like maybe they're not as neat in the kitchen as you would like, or maybe they're not exactly the height, or you know, maybe they've got some stuff that like you can go down the list and be like, that's not my preference.

Those are the things you need to tolerate and accept because they have the other things of values. You enjoy being touched by them, you enjoy kissing them like there's attraction there. You agree on what a life well lived is, and you really feel comfortable being who you are when you're with them.

one else out there for you. And to me, that's part of the whole romanticism theory that keeps us very stuck and suffering.

Some of them can be doubts, some of them can be questioned, some of them can be you know, ruminating on the past. Yes, how do we get out of our heads and get out of those repetitive thoughts? Yeah?

stories in our heads that ruin relationships. So how do we get out of our heads. Well, we start telling the truth and we start communicating. Like that's like the low hanging fruit, Like build enough self awareness, and this picks practice where you can say, oh, I'm in my head right now, I am getting lost in a story right now, because it's a habit. And some people really have a bad habit of getting lost in such a story about another person and then get themselves so worked up.

And so what you have to do is keep practicing. That's that storyteller in me right now, that's that storyteller. Maybe something else is true? Could something else be true? Let me communicate. Getting out of our heads is also getting in our bodies. So exercise, movement, breath work, going for a long walk, having a long healing conversation with a friend, doing something where you're social. If we're too much in isolation and we're spending too much time with ourselves,

we're too much in our heads. So it's a really beautiful strategy to get out of our heads. When we see a friend or two, or we even go to something that we're invited to and just because then our attention is outwardly focused. Like right now, our attention is outwardly focused. Yes, we have to go a little inward to kind of think. You have to go inward to kind of think of the question, right, I have to go a little bit inward to kind of give you

an answer. But we're very because we're having this like commnsation. It's just you and me, and the lights are on us and the cameras are rolling. We're outward focused, and when we're alone, everything is so inward focused. So moving our bodies is always the easiest, fastest way to get out of our heads. It's really and it's daily movement. It's like, oh, in my head, I'm going to go for a walk. Oh I'm going to have in my head. Maybe I have to take a cold shower, get out

of this state. Maybe I have to talk to someone. But it starts with the awareness of you know, my mind. All of our minds can be become battlefields. Our mind can be a beautiful thing, but if we don't stand guard of our mind, we are going to be in serious trouble. And no one is invulnerable to that.

like building a home, designing a home, that's cool. Yeah, when if you leave something and you're finding something new, that's that's interesting. It's something to pay attention to. Sure, But maintenance is something that we ignore so much. And I was thinking if you could recommend a reflection someone could do with their partner right now, whether they're stuck or maybe it's like, what if something feels almost right but not fully right, as in there's nothing wrong? Huh,

what do you do in that situation? Because I think a lot of people find themselves there where it's like they're in that maintenance phase. You're not getting married, you're not you know, you're not having the big moment, and you're not you're not kind of ending it like there's nothing there.

Go on a date, try something new, bring some novelty, whether that's in the bedroom or completely outside of the bedroom. Take some time to really connect with each other. Maybe it's sitting down and having a meal and just being like, Okay, we're going to put the phones away and we're going to really connect and maybe we're going to talk about

something a little bit deeper today. And I went to I had dinner over to friends last night and it was so wonderful, Like we just went into really deep stuff. I mean also sprinkled in with a little fun and silly stuff, but we just went into very deep stuff and it's like, wow, this is so refreshing to be around people where you could be vulnerable and open. And I think couples kind of you I want to be doing that all the time because you need a little levity.

So this is an interesting thing as a couple. Maybe you have to do a temperature check, like do we need a little bit of levity? Like do we need a little bit of lightness? Have we been too bogged down with their routines? Are we talking about the relationship

too much and we need to have some fun? Then do something new, Do something fun, Do something that you would have done in the first three months of your relationship a few years in and watch the change happen in your relationship and build it into your weekly routine or at least your monthly routine. If your relationship is kin you're feeling a little disconnected, right, So it's not the lack of levity, but there's the lack of connection.

Get vulnerable. Maybe maybe connect in the bedroom or outside of the bedroom, have a real heart to heart. Maybe do something new that's also very bonding. Touch each other and I'm not even talking in a sexual way, but are you touching each other? Like do you put a hand the leg or on the shoulder. Are you being

present with each other? Again? This is the part that's mindfulness, and it really sometimes it's so little that has a huge ripple effect, and it's just a matter of, oh, this is what we need, and one of you take the leadership role in that way, be like, Okay, let's do this. I really want to do this. It shouldn't be framed as like, oh, you know, we need this. Otherwise it's just like I would really love this. Wouldn't this be so lovely if And sometimes it's just let

me change something in me. Maybe it's not even a conversation with your partner, it's how you're showing up. Maybe you've grown a little complacent towards the relationship, towards your life, towards anything. Maybe you need to shake things up a little bit inside yourself and bring a little bit more of the part of you, because we all have so many different parts to our psyche and our personality. Maybe bring a little bit more of what you brought in the beginning of the relationship now.

self reflect. One of the hardest things to do yet most important things to do, and maybe you'll never one hundred percent get clear, is how did I contribute to whatever did not work? And how did they contribute? It's so hard not to go into the blame game and just blame them for everything and blame ourselves for anything, but true self when it comes to the end of a relationship is can I have some clarity around some of the patterns that I have that have contributed to

whatever didn't work? And can I get clear about what they did and what their patterns were that really didn't work? And that's a process, and it's a journey of self reflection. But I think that is absolutely important to start with, what are some of the ways in which maybe I have contributed to what didn't work?

fault than not loving at all, you know. So those are some of the questions that we need to ask ourselves, and those are hard. You know, I've gone through tremendous heartbreak and just having to go through that, but I was so hell bent on I don't want to this to ever happen again.

able to own our stuff. And when two people are doing that, I really think that there's tremendous healing that can happen between two people if they're willing.

these are your fast five. The first question is what is the best love advice you've ever heard or received?

on him for everything. And so I took that on as, oh my god, you know, I'm being too dependent or to doing being too codependent, And it was very confusing. And it was only later on when I started to do this work where I recognize that that was the worst piece of advice I've ever received ever from anyone.

the survivor. Even if you never speak to your parent again, you have to figure out a way to question the story that you have about them so that you are looking at them and thinking of them through the lens of your adult self and not your child's self, because if you don't, that is going to infiltrate your romantic life and cause you a lot of problems. I wish I was one word, but the time absolutely yeah.

coming on on purpose. Thank you for sharing so wonderfully. And I'm excited for people to connect with your content online and continue to follow along to see how much more they can learn about love. And thank you for reminding us all that it begins with you.