If You’re a People Pleaser Listen to This! (Why Putting Yourself First Isn’t Selfish, It’s Necessary For Real Connection)

they would say no. Why would they say no? Is it because they're a horrible person? Is it because of this or they're selfish? No, it's because of their boundary. The Number one health and Wellness podcast, Jay Shedy, j Sheddy, jem Lendy only shed.

to Stop Breaking Your Heart. You'll see a little testimonial here from me, because I think this book is brilliant. It's got so many great insights, wise pieces of guidance that will help you in your lowest, difficult, toughest times and help you avoid those if you manage to be able to surpass them. Please welcome to On Purpose, Megan Roxane. Megan, it's so great to finally have you here. This is awesome.

other people. You've supported myself including I'll share a bit on that. And you've always had this challenge of putting yourself out there. And so when you were writing this book and I picked it up and I looked at it and you asked me for a couple of words, I was just so proud of you as a friend. I was so excited for you, and I was so excited for everyone else that would now have access to you as well and your story. So congratulations from a friend. Really, I mean it.

as accessible as everything else on the internet. And I remember coming across the good quote, and I remember just sending a DM and saying, Hey, would you guys share my stuff? And I literally, at that time, you used to just send I would find anyone of equal value on social media and I would just DM them and say, hey, I'd love to connect. I'm making content, would you be

able to share it? And you were so kind that you decided to support me at that early stage, And honestly, it gave me my first breakthrough on Instagram because all of a sudden, all these people were aware of my work. And what I always found was that it was always still about the content, like content had to be good. But what I found was that the fact that you were able to distribute it to so many more people, I was able to see that my content was resonating

with even more people. So I'm so grateful for that initial connection and collaboration we had because it was so important to me and the beginning of my journey. And I know it's not just me, You've helped so many people. So anyway, my first question is, how does it feel when, at four years old, you hear from a grandparent that they don't love you. Oh wow, that's how you start the book?

literally felt like somebody was trying to split it. And I would never forget that pain because it was the first time I've ever felt it. And when I explained to my mother what happened and I described the pain, it's almost like she knew, Okay, my family's gotten to her now. It was a good four years, but she didn't ever want me to experience that, and I did, And if I'm being honest with you, it really took away a lot of my innocence as well. I was

robbed of innocence during that time. I don't think children should know what it's like to be hurt or spoken too badly, or have to cry themselves at nighttime, or sitting on the so far waiting for their parents to come home, and you know, feeling sad. It's not an emotion that a child should have to feel. I felt it, and it's a lasting memory that I would always remember.

was a bit of a monster. The reason why I'm being careful of my words is because my grandfather and I went on a journey in the last two years of me caring for him and I forgave him and he explained to me the reasoning behind his treatment towards his children, and it was simply put what he experienced is what he provided. So there's a level of generational ignorance that was passed down from my grandfather, and the ricochet of that is why I'm sitting right here with

this book in your hand. There wasn't that much emotional intelligence with my grandparents. You know, they would do something to you, they wouldn't apologize, and that was kind of something the generation that they came from were customed to do. And apologizing to your children, it's not really something that you hear people do. My mother apologized to me many times. She said to me one time, you know, anything that I experienced in my house growing up, I will not

bring here. So my grandfather was just a character that I knew. Was always miserable, always angry, drinking, love to watch cricket, and that was basically it. He wasn't a great person to be around if you were looking for motivation or anything positive.

can serve them better. And a lot of people find themselves in that position where someone who's caused them pain is the person that they're now caring for or they're supporting, or they're in the same house for years, and the question is always, Jay, how do I survive around someone like that, let alone care for them? So how did you even reconcile it in the beginning of that two year journey, because that feels like the ultimate test of everything that you're saying in the book.

And that's it, Jay, That's literally it. I My mother asked me to care for my grandfather was passing away, and reluctantly I said yes because that was my best friend, and I knew that there was a reason behind it, and at the time I didn't want to do it. But I just knew through future Megan, this is an investment that I actually have to go through and devote myself to. And it was literally for that. My mother's last lesson was for me to care for my grandfather

so I can understand the power of forgiveness. I thought I understood forgiveness, but I didn't. Looking after my grandfather meant that I had to create new boundaries. I had to stand up for myself in so many ways. There were so many rumors spread by other malicious family members of mine that were untrue that I had to work my way around whilst grieving for my mum. You know, my grandfather was left unattended for the years that I was looking after my mother. When she was passing away

from stage four cancer. We actually went to the West Indies and when I got back, I assumed that my mother's sit blinds were looking after him, but they weren't. So when I got back, I was faced with the responsibility of looking after him, renovating his house, bringing him back to a full bill of health, which I did, and during that entire process there was a level of

trust that had to be obtained. Even helping my grandfather walk again, I had to literally help him walk, and there were times where he would just be like, pass me the guinness, I haven't got time for this. I'll just sit here, you know. And there were other times where he was really determined. And it was through these experiences I had no other choice but to seek forgiveness because I was spending a lot of time with him.

And then there were a lot of unanswered questions, a lot of things that I needed for my own journey, a lot of things that I wanted to a lot of chapters that I wanted to close for my mother, even though she passed away, just for the principle of it, you know. So my grandfather and I did a lot of talking. When I became more aware of his reasonings, his justifications, which weren't great at all, but transparently truthful, I then started to develop a level of respect for him.

It takes a lot of bravery and courage at ninety years old to admit where you've gone wrong in life and actually apologize to somebody less than half your age, especially if it's not part of your culture or it's not something that you've been raised to do. So when my grandfather passed away, you know. I went to view his body and I sat there and I just thought to myself, it is well, it is well. The chapter is closed. I broke that curse. Moving on. My children

don't have to hear about their great grandfather. Is so much anger in my voice. I could just say I could talk about the last two years. I don't have to talk about everything that happened before because I've healed past that. And the reason why we do heal obviously for our own harmony, but so we don't pass on more pain. I didn't have to inherit my family's pain and trauma, but I did. But it's my duty and my job to ensure that I don't pass it on.

And I think that's what my mother was trying to teach me behind the importance of forgiveness is to put a final stop to it so that you can move on and live your life. But you have to forgive because I had so much anger in my heart for my grandfather. But then when I saw him and his little efforts of determination to get walking again. Or I might go and see him in the morning, he might make me some peel out, you know, or some curry

goat and Peelau or whatnot. And I think, Okay, there's something bubbling here and I'm not going to be the person to interrupt that. Let me just see where this journey takes us. So when he passed away, I was happy for him. I was happy that he was able to transition. I prayed for him, and I was able to walk away knowing that I don't have to carry that burden anymore.

right for me now. And it's really interesting, because I've been thinking about this a lot lately, that this pursuit of virtues is actually the only way you'll ever be happy, because even if you did what you wanted now and you disregarded everything else later on, you still haven't healed or created and built forgiveness, and so you're still living in that bitterness and that pain, even if the person passes away, and even if you were away from them

for years and years and years. Yeah, but how do we reconcile that, Like, at what point is it self disrespect to aspire for a virtue while someone is potentially creating havoc in your life? How do you see that in terms of setting boundaries in I'm going to care for them because I see this virtue being there, But then at the same time, I'm not just going to allow myself to be abused or disrespect.

siblings care or honor them. And I watched that growing up, and I think one of the most profound experiences that I spoke about in the book was when she bumped into her father when they were in Sainsbury's and they reunited and they had their conversations and she ended up looking after him, And there was one day where he was rude to her. And I remember coming home from college and she was cooking really fast, and I could just smell the curry from downstairs, and I was like, Okay,

it's in the middle of the week. Mum usually cooks on a Sunday. Are we having guests? No, The guest was the anger that came from the experience she had of her father. She enforced her boundary and it was the first time she's done it in years, so she didn't know how to respond. And I watched that and I watched how it actually strengthened the relationship with her father because he started to respect it. And I think

he also realized there's no one else left. So if I'm going to have this relationship, I'm going to have to ensure that I stick to the rules to keep it healthy. So with me now of the same man, having to go through the same experiences, my boundary enforcement came very quickly. There was one day where I bought him a bottle of guinness. You know, he did a lot of things that day, and we did a reward system where if he did a hundred steps, you know,

and this and that will give him some something. He loved guinness, so I brought him a bottle of guineas and it was warm, so he kind of threw it at me and he was like, put it in a freezer. It's warm. And I said, actually, what I'm going to do is I'm going to go home and I'm going to leave the bottle right there and you can put it in the freezer yourself. I'm not having that. That

is absolutely rude. And I got up and I left and he called me, and he called me, and he called me, and I picked up and I said, I'm I'm not coming back until you apologize because that was really rude. And when I got back, he made breakfast, you know, he cleaned down, staid like everything that I usually get him to do every day, he did it

all in one day. And you know, he apologized and sat down and we had a conversation and I said to him, moving forward, this is not happening because I'm not going to care for you and deplete my own energy at the same time. That's insane. I've watched my mother do that. So throughout this entire process, I just learned that my no is my no, my yes is my yes. If I don't like something, I tell the person. I don't feel bad about telling the person because what's

the other option? I take the bad treatment while they're none the wiser. That is hurting me. It doesn't serve anybody. So the boundary enforcement, I think I gained a lot of confidence over the span of two years looking after my grandfather, enforcing my boundaries, standing in my word, and not being scared, and that was one of the most

powerful things that I learned. So it wasn't difficult. It was more if I respect myself and love myself, I will put these boundaries in place so that I don't deplete myself every time I come to visit this person. And if they respect and love and honor me and even are thankful for my devotion to caring for them, they will ensure that the environment is healthy and safe.

And that was literally the case. If it wasn't, I would have just walked away, paid the NHS staff to look after him and check in every now and then. Because I have to put myself first. Learn that with my mother's story, as well.

think we're helping them, but actually we're hurting them. Yeah, and the only one we're helping is ourselves because we feel better about ourselves for a second where we're like, oh, I'm so tolerant and I did everything just perfectly for them, But then what we don't realize is we're just continuing that behavior. Yeah. One thing I've discovered really hearing from everything you're saying is that there's three types of people

in life. The first is someone who repeats the pain they saw, The second is someone who does the opposite of the pain they saw, and the third is someone who heals from that pain and gives people what they never had and creates a space for people to have the life that they never got the opportunity to have and it sounds like you chose that third option. Yeah, and anyone who chooses that third option protects their future self. What's the difference between people pleasing and wanting people to

be happy? Because I think people get that confused they don't know the difference. Before you hear the answer, here's a quick break, big thanks to our sponsors. Let's get back to it. How would you define what a people pleaser is? Whereas it's someone who likes to see people happy.

So it's not your responsibility, it's not your purpose to make other people happy, and and it's a job that's never going to have a reward because there's so many factors to our happiness anyway, one person can't achieve that.

So for me with people pleasing, I just realized that as much as I do want to make this person happy, my happiness also is valid and it's also important to me, So I have to set boundaries, and you have to enforce your boundaries with people in general, I always want to ensure that I'm creating a healthy space for people, whether it's in my home or whether it is as long as you're in my presence, I want you to be happy. I want you to feel seen, heard, appreciated, valued, understood,

but again not at my own detriment. So if I'm not receiving the same thing from you, then something has to give or something has to stop. I stopped people pleasing when I realized the people that I was trying to please were not trying to recificate that energy to me. I also realized that I was putting myself second almost all the time for other people with very little reciprocation.

I just decided that it just wasn't for me. There's a whole backstory in my book about people pleasing and it explains my journey on that, but in the short form, I had to stop for my own sanity and for my own self respect, especially when you look when you compare your efforts to others, and you almost look and you can see they've got boundaries that I don't have. Because if I ask them to do what they're asking me, they would say no. Why would they say no? Is

it because they're a horrible person? Is it because of this or they're selfish? No, it's because of their boundary. So I realized that everybody around me had their boundaries when it came to me. But as I was people pleasing, I didn't have any for anybody else. And on top of that, with people pleasing, it just takes you to links that you were never prepared to go, you know, and it's just unfair to put yourself in that position. Do the best you can to support, but never at

your own detriment. And if it is going to be at your own detriment, then that's something that you have to sit down and discuss with yourself. Okay, this is costing me this, But what am I learning in the process. When does it come to an end? What are my boundaries in this particular experience. But across the board, I would say scrap people pleasing as a whole. You don't need to do that, and the people around you will

feel uncomfortable with you doing that anyway. You know, there's a lot of my friends that would be like relax, you're overcompensating just to put me back into into gear. Because people pleasing isn't for the habits of people pleasing isn't going to stop overnight. It's actual small practices that you have to implement on a day to day to rewire this this vein of ours to stop doing this nonsense.

But yeah, I think boundaries. Enforcing your boundaries is the main is the key thing to putting an end to people pleasing. Then just realizing that put that love into yourself, put that devotion and that time and that energy into yourself. Why are you so scared to do that? Because you'll find a lot of people who people please, they don't actually have great relationships with themselves. So that energy's great, But just bring it back to yourself, you know first.

Similar to when you're on the airplane, you have to put the mask on first before you help other people. It's very similar.

but I couldn't please them. I could improve the environment, but I couldn't improve them. I think that's when we fail is when we make a person our project, or we make a person our purpose. We make a person our obsession, as opposed to the environment and the space and the energy, which you can control. You can control the energy someone feels when they walk into your house, Yeah, you can't control whether they want to rise to that

energy or whether they want to bring it down. You can control the energy someone has in your workspace, but you can't control whether they're going to subscribe to that energy or unfollow. Like, you can't change that. And so I think if you're spot on that, if we spend more time curating energy that we emanate and that we live by and the spaces that we walk into have, then now we're leaving it up to everyone else.

then I have to meet you there. And so I feel like people will constantly meet you where you're at, or they'll force you to meet you where they're at, and it's your choice to decide whether you want to rise or fall. I want to dive into your journey a little bit because it feels like you got introduced to needing an emotional vocabulary very young in your life.

Like when I was reading your book, I was like, this is someone who the good quote isn't a page with good quotes, because just because you're a good writer, it's because you've had to live that. It's lived experience that is now coming out in the form of good quote. And I often think about that with me too, and I aligned with that that what I share today is stuff that I've lived, it's experienced it's pain, it's stress, it's overwhelmed. It's a role I've played for many years.

I always say I mediated my entire family's relationship and dynamic for many, many years. So a lot of the mediation I do today is because that's the role I've always played. And so with you, I got the sense that your emotional vocabulary grew very young in life. Yeah, and then you felt like sharing it. I wanted to ask you were talking about. Twenty eleven was Tumbler where

you started sharing wisdom. Twenty fourteen was when the good Quote was taken out, When you started writing and sharing these experiences, How scared or worried were you originally about how they'd be seen? And how long did it take you to even have the courage to like write and put out your first post?

myself on Tumbla. Tumblr is a beautiful platform. Oh my gosh. I absolutely love it. It's just it doesn't have any of the metrics that we fuss over on all the other platforms. It's just it is what it is. You don't care about the followers. You can put your whole self on there and somebody is going to follow you because they like you. That's what I think is amazing about tumbler. It's just a blank page blog post. Someone's going to read your blog, and if they like it

or if they resonate with it, that's a follower. That's now one member of your community. So when I started Tumbler, I was listening to Whiskalifa. He had a mixtape called Cushion Orange Juice and there's a song on there, and oh my gosh, every time I came on podcast, I talk about it and I never get the name of the song. It goes something like we Belong at the Top or something like that. And I was in a really bad place when I was listening to that. I

dropped out of UNI. My friends were making their lives, and I was still very stark, and I listened to the lyrics and it's very simple, you know, and I just thought to myself, Yeah, actually, I'm going to make it. I'm actually going to make it. Just gotta keep telling myself that. Okay, wow, that's what that quote did for me. That was my first initial feeling. I was like, yeah, that's what the lyvic did for me. So I went on to Tumblr and I tried to blog with word first.

I remember at the time, Vice was starting to really emerge, and I joined a Vice blog in Network and I had my own blog and nothing worked. And then I got on Tumblr and I took a picture of Whiskalifa and I put that livic that touched me on top of that picture. I darkened it. I posted it with some hashtags and I fell asleep, and the next day I woke up to like twelve thousand followers and a whole bunch of requests, and I was like, Okay, briskly was really popular at the time, so I think I

kind of jumped on that. But the fact is, nobody else was making picture quotes out of positive hip hop lyrics, and then I never told any of my friends that this blog was mine. I started seeing my friends display pictures on BlackBerry, Messenger and Facebook change to my quotes, and then I realized that there were people who were going through things that would find a particular quote and

put it on their display picture. So now you know they're in their emotions today, they're sad about this, and it kind of made it easier to share how you're feeling within without having to actually vocalize it. So for me, Cushion Wisdom and Tumbler was just like, Wow, I didn't know I can connect to this many people. I didn't think people needed these quotes as much as I did, But I have twelve thousand people that resonate with me now.

So three weeks in to launching Tumblr, I started a clothing line called Cool storybo, which was a slogan back in the day. And my mother was an accountant a bookkeeper at the time, and she was making about forty thousand a year, and I pulled in thirty six thousand pounds in three weeks for just selling that clothing based on that community, and I kept it very transparent. I'm building this, I'm putting this for sale because I'm trying to figure out what it is I'm doing with my creativity.

So I'm invested in myself. You can purchase if you want, so many orders Jay, And it made me realize how needed this platform is. People really need encouragement, you know, people really need to be seen. And just as Chushian Wisdom started to grow, and my mother got diagnosed with breast cancer, so I took a year off and I cared for her. And during that year, I think I kind of lost the momentum of Christian wisdom. I met my business partner in a Caribbean restaurant and he was like,

this is what you should be doing. We can do this, we can do that. We move over to the good quote. And on the good quote it was a bit different because I instead of taking pictures that I didn't take and other people's lyrics I didn't write, I had to find writers. So I went on to Twitter and I started looking for writers and I found a bunch new up and coming writers, maybe five hundred followers, a thousand followers. But I was reading through their timelines and I was like,

oh shit, this is really I like this. And the demand on Instagram was much more than Tumblr. So I went from posting a few times a day on Tumblr to twenty four hours a day on Instagram. And I was explaining this to other people. Anytime people ask me about this story, I tell them I slept for fifty minutes and then I would wake up quickly post because there was no scheduling. There was no scheduling apps. I was going mad. My mental health was declined the day.

But my followers. I gained a million followers in the months. Wow, in my first months. We've never seen anything like that before. And every celebrity at one stage was following us. We had when I met you in La I actually messaged Chloe Kardashian and she replied, you know, and so many people. I actually had an I think the first person that had been of us was a singer called Keerry Hilson. I think we credit her incorrectly found out that it wasn't even her quote. I mean, this is just between

me and you. But it was insane the impact that it had. And I didn't have any confidence to post my staff. I didn't because I cited myself up to believe that I'm just a distributor. I'm not the talent. I find the talent and I bring it to the platform for the community. This isn't about me. And there was one occasion where I did try to put my face to it and I was hit with a lot of racism. And it upset me because obviously this is a community that I put my heart and soul into.

Why are they racist? Who is following me? That's racist? So I stopped putting my face out there, and I did that for ten years. I didn't gain to answer your question. I didn't gain the confidence to put my work out there until maybe about four or five years later. You know that was from the encouragement of the writers that I was sharing. You know, we would have really deep conversations. I would post things on Twitter and they

would be like share this, share this. And it was not until I really saw your growth that I thought to myself, Okay, the good quote is really huge. I could change my life at any moment. And then the anxiety came in and the imposter syndrome came in, and I just thought, you know what, I'm best to be behind the scenes. Let me just work with great people, let me meet great people, Let me use this as an opportunity to network and I'll figure out myself later.

You know. I spoke in the book about premonitions. I used to get a lot of premonitions as a kid. It's one of the reasons why my mother went back to church, because she left the church after she gave birth to me. She was a part of a really strict church. You know, you couldn't wear trousers, you could not be pregnant if you were not married. So Mum left, you know. But I kept seeing things, and I kept

getting really interest in dreams. And I remember from a young age my mother would say to me, you know, you have to get ready to like education is the most important thing. And I said to her, not in my life. I'm going to live my life when I'm thirty. That's when life is coming from me. Because I kept getting told that, whether it was in my dreams or just something subconsciously, life will start for you in your mid thirties. Everything leading up to that would be experienced.

And that's literally what has happened. So I allowed myself to make loads of mistakes and try and tell and fail, and I did a lot of that. On a good quote with myself and it boosted me enough to make me realize that I'm a good writer. You know, even though I knew that I was kind of bred to become a writer. My mother loved literature, so sharing my work wasn't difficult after a while. But at first it was so intense. The imposter syndrome was wild. You know,

some other writers would get one hundred thousand likes. I would get fifty, and I'll be upset with that. It's crazy because it's like, fifty thousand people is two two arenas. If you ever stood in the two arena and you look around, I think the capacity is twenty five thousand seats, two of them full of people liked what I had to say. But because this writer got one hundred k, I don't feel I hate it that energy. It took away from the creativity. It took away from my love.

It took away from the experience that I needed in order to create that particular quote. So I posted myself once or twice a week, and that's kind of the habit that I've been doing over the over the years.

fascinated by is how did you build that courage? Because what I find is so similar for me where when I was fourteen, I felt my inner voice got really loud, and so I remember my parents really wanted me to do math and science and all this stuff at a GCSE and a level and obviously you have to do at GCSE you don't get to choose, but then at a level in the UK you get to choose, so you're around for anyone who's listening in the US or

outside of the UK. When you're between sixteen to eighteen, you get to choose three to four subjects that you study at a levels. And I remember from fourteen, when you're starting to think about this, my inner voice was just like, do what you love, do what you're good at, do what you love, do what you're good at, do what you love, and that just kept repeating itself. But I grew up in an environment where it was like it was all about getting a good job, and it

was all about doing things that other people valued. And you have a chapter in the book called we follow other people's visions for our lives instead of our own, and that's how we break our own hearts. In that section of your book, and for me, I made a pact with myself that I would never follow my parents or anyone extended family's vision for my life. I would

only study subjects that were true to me. Now that sounds like a really small decision, but it was the beginning of a pattern of decisions that gave me the confidence to always back myself. So I said to my parents, I was like, I'm going to do art and design. I'm going to do economics, I'm going to do sociology.

I'm going to do things that I find interesting. And obviously to my parents who'd work so hard and immigrants who'd really worked hard for me to have a good education and everything, they're like, what you're going to do with art and design? Like, how's that going to help? And I was like, no, no, no, I just know it. I just know it. And now I realized what I was saying. I knew it is I knew it internally, and since that day, every decision I made when I

decided to become a Monk. I knew internally that was right for me. When I decided to leave, I knew that was internally right for me. When I decided to start creating stories and telling stories, I knew that was internal. It wasn't ever someone something someone said to me, or it wasn't like, oh this is a good strategy, or it wasn't that. It was internally guided. And even till this day, I find that when I abandoned that internal voice,

that's when I make mistakes. But when I listened closely to that internal voice, that's when I make my best decisions. But I find for a lot of people, when you've ignored that voice for maybe five years, ten years, fifteen years, it's so quiet now. But first, here's a quick word from the brands that support the show. All right, thank you to our sponsors. Now let's dive back in. So two questions. The first is how have you always trusted

your inner voice? And two, if someone's lost connection with it, how do they get it to become louder again.

You know, still have to stick up for yourself. My mother didn't stick up for herself there, so then it came to her raising me. Like I said before, all of the mistakes that she made, all the things that she saw or witness growing up in her house in London with her family, she was not bringing that into our house. So my house was full of so many different affirmations. Every day was just like a particular prayer I had to say. Then it was followed by a

list of affirmations that I would say to myself. From four these were the things. I am smart, I am beautiful, I can do anything I put my mind to every day. And then that went from affirmations to my mother affirming my creativity. So you know, when you're a kid and you create images and your parents might put it on the fridge, or they might put it on the wall.

My kitchen was my gallery, right, So I was raised in an environment where it was just like anything that I want to do creatively, creatively, I have the freedom to do that. Communication was a huge thing with my mother and myself. We barely watched TV. Was always books or just lying in bed and talking. And my mother would feed and entertain me through life stories of her own.

And it's quite common in the res andds tell stories, you know, And I learn a lot of the importance of standing up for yourself by watching my mum struggle to do that with her family. And I would see her face light up when she was telling me certain stories of where she did have the confidence to do that,

and those were the things that encouraged me growing up. Again, I used to have a lot of premonition, so I was a bit nervous of what to express, and when I started to speak about them with my mother, she put me in touch with an elder who encouraged that, right, and that's how come she ended up going back to church. And that elder is mentioned in my book. A woman

called Millie. I love her to pieces, and she enforced pride into me, pried for the way I think, because I think out of the box, you know, pried for so many different things. So again, as I was getting older, I had a lot of elders abound me, people who are not only older, but you expect someone who's fifty sixty to know about themselves or know about the world. So when these people are pouring into me, it's boosting

my confidence. And it just came to a point where my mother and really started to encourage me to listen to my intuition because there were certain things that I just wouldn't do because something can tell it. Something inside was telling me not to do it. And my mother was like, Okay, well, it seems to be telling you the right things, so honor it. And the best way to honor that is to just listen. You have to develop a relationship with it, right, So your intuition's funny

because it has to develop trust with you. You have to develop trust of it, and it will test you like when you were dating and courting your wife, you guys subtly probably tested each other in certain things or even just to see what this person's deep reaction is to certain things. So, for example, my intuition would say, don't walk straight onto the station today, take a left.

Take this left. It's quicker. I will take the left and there's roadworks or there's somewhere on a pavement that I can't and I'll be like, why the hell did I to my fols? And every time I went against it, even if it was wrong, I noticed the relationship was just further in apart. So what I decided to do was respond differently. I noticed that my intuition was testing me and tricking me. So every time it was like, don't eat that, eat this, and it would be horrible.

Don't do you know. I'm just trying to give some examples. So what I started to do was say to myself, I'm actually going to have to depend on you for my life one day, and I'm listening to you, so I need you to start giving me some proper instructions. And it just developed after that, you know, And it gets down to the point Jay where I it's almost like I have two I listen to my intuition for everything.

Should I do this today? Yeah, let me do that today because that's what I've been told within to do. It's like I trust it with everything, and it's gotten to the point where it's almost right all the time. And I know that it's a good sense of energy because it tells me not to do things that could be harmful for me. So don't interact with that person,

don't drink that drink. Don't and you know, and I feel like through more I encourage the relationship between me and my intuition, the stronger it got, and so now it's just something that I honor. It could be a gut feeling, don't go down there, don't go to that place tonight, I don't go something happened. And when that happens, I just think to myself, Wow, this is really powerful, you know. And it definitely got stronger with me through fasting. Fasting is something that I love to do. I watched

my mother do it a lot with the church. I've watched a lot of doctor Mindy's interviews and docu and I've read her book. And you know, the power behind Faster than Itself is just the negative voice in your head disappears three days after you start a water fast. So on your third day, the negative voice goes, I do water fast all the time, right, I might not

look like it because I love food. But at the same time, water fast is something that I go to you anytime I feel unbalanced in order to re define my inner voice. I do it through fasting. I strengthen my relationship with my intuition through fasting. It's almost much louder like kind of what you explained when you were fourteen. These are practices that I do on a daily basis. I pray, I meditate. I write down for things that my subconscious tells me that I should be doing, Like

why don't you start a podcast doing this? I would write it down. An elder once told me everything your body give, everything, your intuition or your gart gives to you. You're subconscious, you write it down, you acknowledge it, and you say, I don't have the time to do that right now, but I'm going to write that down. Thank you. Because imagine if as you're subconscious, I'm your subconscious. I

keep giving you these great ideas and you keep ignoring me. Eventually, one day I'm going to stop communicating with you, And the day your subconscious stops communicating with you, it's over. I genuinely believe that's what creative blocks are. I believe that's what hindus are from doing so many things. You know, you have to find the time to develop a relationship

within your life improves drastically when you do. Life is like on ten on the Victor scale when you have full harmony between these things compared to not being aware of it. So for me, it's that every day investments at every day devotion. You know, even today, as I was saying, I was driving and I'm thinking, oh my gosh, I'm running late, where am I going to park? And something inside of me was just like, relax, I got you. And there's a park right outside of this office, and

that's it. And I kind of knew as I was driving on the road, I kind of knew I didn't have to worry. And it happens all the time. And people see that as nonchalant, or you might have like a less urgent response to things, but living in the flow, you end up at your destination less stressful, you know, also with more intention. I love the relationship of my intuition. It saved me when I was looking after my mother, It saved me when I was stranded in the West Indies.

It saved me when I was writing my book, every aspect of my life, my intuition is their guide in me. I generally believe our intuition is is almost, if I say it, an ancestor of some sort, somebody, somebody you know, and it's just it just goes into the phenomenon of life, really, isn't it? Like? What are these things? What is the gut feeling? What is the subconscious? What is the intuition? Why are these things conspiring together? What are they trying

to get me to do? They're trying to get you to live the best life that you possibly can.

resonate with so much of what you're saying. But the thing that I loved that. I think you put so well. Was this idea of sometimes your intuition is testing whether it can trust you. Yeah, and it may even misguide you in little, little ways, not huge ways, and most people give up there they got. I listened and it

was just stupid. I'm not listening again. And that's exactly what you need to break through because that little test, that mini understanding of creating a collaboration, like you said, happens in friendship, happens in business, happens in romantic relationships. You just checking, You're just checking are we on the same page? Are we with each other? Because I'm going to say something crazy one day and it's like are

you going to hear it? And I can relate to so much of that because I feel the same way as You're very clear energetically when I meet someone. Are we're going to vibe? But we're going to connection? We spend time there? Should we not? And it's so easy to think, oh, I'm just mad I should have that, and to have an elder that's.

in this situation? And then they'll go on their private stories on Instagram and be like, guys, what do I do in this situation? It's like we're constantly outsourcing advice, so we don't find it weird to go to like ten twenty thirty people who know us, but they don't know us that well, but we find it scary to sit in silence. And you talk about the power of solitude in the book in the second section and this ability to spend time with ourselves, but we don't usually

go there. So if someone's struggling and saying, yeah, Jay, I'm that person. I'm the one texting all my mates. I'm not constantly asking my family to make decisions for me, constantly asking everyone's opinion, but it never works. How do I start doing this? How would you guide them?

just walk straight for an hour, no headphones. No, I do carry my phone for safety, but no headphones, nothing and any thought that comes into my head I write down any thought that comes into my head, I write down. It could be Ah, this is shit, isn't it? Or this is so long? Why am I going for this walk this morning? I write that down and then I ask it why, And I get used to communicating with myself. Everybody, in my opinion, has something internal that communicates with them.

I only recently realized that not everybody has an internal dialogue, which I found so strange because I definitely do. But there is something within our guard that is there and it's worth seeking because it could potentially be your best friend. So, as I was saying, communicate with yourself, start asking yourself the same questions that you would ask somebody else. If you find that the voice in your head is you're intuition is negative, you know, takes some time to really

why do I think like that? There's been so many times I've gone for walks. I'm just like, today's a day. I'm going to put myself out there. Today's dy I'm gona put myself out there. I'm going to post this video and then something would be like no, we're not. I'd be like, okay, but why, and it will go silent and I might walk for a little bit more and I'd be like, no, why am I not doing that? And it'll be silent and I'll be like, okay, but

why do I think I'm not doing that? It's because and before you know it, I'm coming up with my own answers. The more you do that, you're going to get some sort of response one day, you know, energetically from your stomach or whatever it is that you feel that sensation and it's going to give you the answers that you didn't even know was there. Jay, the amount of times I've done that, and sometimes I baffle myself with what it is my self conscious gives back.

anybody who says they don't have a relationship. You're going to hear that voice as loud as hell when you are two days in through and water fast. That voice is going to be loud and you're going to have no other option but to communicate with it. So put yourself to a challenge if you want to find it. It's there, it's been hidden because it hasn't been communicated with. If you have this urge to write, you have this urge to draw, but you're playing games instead, or you're

watching this. Eventually, like we said that, it's going to fade away so it doesn't exist anymore. It's your responsibility to go and seek it. So you actively have to do things by yourself that are going to cause you to end up speaking to yourself internally or outwardly. I don't mind and communicate with that. That's my honest opinion. That's what works for me for sure. Any time I'm feeling disconnected, I go for a walk, I write down what my feelings are, and I always come back feeling lighter,

with some sort of answer. Whatever answer I get, I might google it, put it in chact me to you, or might go back to my therapy notes, or even call a friend and be like, this is what's happening, you know, and then it gives me something to work on. Then I will look online. Okay, I'm feeling sad about this, all these podcasts will come up. Let me start listening to other people's experiences. Okay, all the things that they've mentioned.

How do I bring that back into my life? How do I use their practices to gain a deeper relationship with myself? People think that self love and all of these things is just surface. It's a lot of dedication and devotion to oneself, and you've really got to believe that you're worth it. It starts from there. It starts from your intention. What are you intentionally trying to receive from your inner self as to why you want to have these conversations? And then you were build up on that.

you said, with the fast thing, it's the same. It's true for fear and anxiety and meditation. I remember the first time I sat down to meditate for two hours, my whole body was rejecting it and there was just fear and anxiety. Am I doing this right? This is are uncomfortable? I hate this. This is the worst. And then after you get through that first two hours, four hours, six hours, eight hours, it starts to go quiet to just naturally yeah, and you go, oh, now now there's

space to actually listen. And I think so many of us give up just before that. Yeah. So I love that you used fasting as an example, and.

more of a physical experience. I don't know if you ever feel like a buzzy feel the circumference of your body, That to me is a completely different level. I'm very basic in meditating. I've really just started to pick it up properly, and I do about ten to fifteen minutes a day in the morning, and it accepts my day because any fears I have for that day able to

just calmly go through it. Breathing help so much. You know, when you're having anxiety and your thoughts are racing and you just deep breathe for about six or seven times and you can actually feel the pressure coming down. Yeah. I think breath work, meditation fast and these are all really great practices.

This idea of we learn about how much you love your mum in the book, even today, in this conversation, you learn about what a pivotal role she's played, like introducing you to elders, like the affirmations, giving you the gift of learning forgiveness at a time in your life, like so many things, but walk us through the healing of that process, like what are all the things that are going on inside when you're in the process of losing the person you love most in the world.

twenty twenty one. So it wasn't just losing my mom, never met my dad, never knew my dad, not interested. It was actually losing my entire community. All my elders weren't Millie's actually the only elder I have left, and it was very important for me to get her name in print and share her story as well as my mom. The journey of my mother's transition started in July twenty

twenty when she got diagnosed with stage four cancer. And at that moment, Jay I was in the position of putting my faith in my brand, like actually doing it, sat down with my business partner, like, this is what we're doing. I'm ready, you know, And that happened and I thought, oh my gosh, this is happening again. This happened with tumbling out. Okay, well maybe it's not time,

you know. So I just saw that as a huge step back for me to take because this is more important and this is where my life is heading towards. I then had to become a carer, and there were many times I had to parent my mom immediately as she got diagnosed. I then had to put my feelings aside and comfort her and then become very optimistic for

our journey moving forward. And it was heartbreaking because all while that was happening, I was what, you know, the energy deplete from somebody who's being told that in a couple of years time they might not be here. Then I'm thinking, okay, wow, in a couple of my mom's going to die. And in my thirties, I thought she was. I thought I had a pact with God that Mummy's not going until she's a hundred, you know, like, what

are we doing? What are we talking about? Okay, so stage four cancer, these are all the things that was in my head. Okay, let me research them, and I'm seeing there's not many. There's there's it's terminal, you know, and that's literally what the doctor told my mother. So it was it was really hard. I knew that I didn't have time to be defressed, you know, because depression is the first thing that comes to me when emotions

are too heavy. I just I stop, I pause, I bed what And you know, I didn't have time for that because I have to go back to caring now. Every night I would clib myself to sleep and then I would watch some people on TikTok who talk about grief. There's a lady who talks about working in a hospice, and I just really, okay, I'm being called to help my mother transition, so I actually need to put myself second. And I did the entire time. It's hard operating of

a broken heart. It's hard watching the person that you love crumble and lose their power, eventually losing their life. You lose yourself. The moment my mother took her last breath, I also took my last breath, and I felt, you see that same feeling that I spoke about in the beginning of the book, with the heartbreak. I felt something leave me. I felt so cold and hollow. That's the best way. Everything within me that was fun and brought lights and the things that everybody loved it went. My

entire essence left with my mother. It's only till I got older along the last couple of years I've realized actually I just evolved, and the best inheritance I received was my mother's love, her and her essence. But that feeling was awful. I didn't want to be here, went

through so many different things, so many different emotions. You know, my mother got ill just as COVID started to happen, and it got really cold, and she was like, I want to go home, and home for us is Trinidad, but Trinidad's borders were closed, so I ended up going to Saint Lucia and it was just supposed to be a quick break and maybe a month or so, you know, And it was crazy because COVID out there was so different to the UK, like you can still go to

the beach, you can still do things. So my mum was she was really happy. You know, it's hot, sunshine, you can eat the best foods, you know. It was. We had her on a really holistic whole foods dye and all of the stuff came from Saint Lucia's was just literally eating from the ground. And at one stage I thought she was getting better, and then her health

just plummeted. And next thing you know, I'm in Saint Lucia for six months and my mother passes away and I then had to Okay, she wants to be buried in Trinidad. What do I do now? So my grandfather sent me ten thousand pounds and all the planes were stationary,

all the airports were closed. I had to spend about two weeks begging the Ministry in Trinidad to let me in, and when I was able to send them all of my mum's documentations she was a national, they brought her home and they were at one stage they were like, we can't bring you into the country because you're not a national. And I was just like, Okay, well, I'm going to go on the good quote and talk about this.

And literally the next day I woke up to access into Trinidad, put my mother on this private plane that my grandfather played for got over to Trinidad, had to quarantine, didn't bury her until a month later. Family switched up on me by myself in a foreign country. Trinidad is not an easy pace to be on the rest of days. I love Trinidad. I love it. I was raised to love Trinidad. It's part of it's meat.

Trinidad's seventy four kg. I lost so much weight due to stress. It depleted me completely. But I did it all with honor because I was my best friend. She was scared and I was scared, and I needed to ensure that she had everything that she needed because at one stage that's what she did for me. You know, I slept in the hospital the entire time. I actually got all the nurses to sign off their responsibilities. I washed my mum, I fed her, I creamed her, helped

her move, I changed her bed. I did everything because for me, it was the last time I was ever going to be able to do it. So I had all this energy to do it. And honor is such a big thing for me, and so is loyalty. And because of my mother's story and the amount of sacrifices she made for me, it was important for me to reciprocate in the only way that I knew how at the time, which was to ensure that she had a

peaceful transition. And it was so hard, you know, I slept in the same bed as my mum for the entire time for a year and a half. I've got so many recordings of her. We have our own podcast that I can go to. There's certain things I asked her, like when I get married and I want to run away, you know, what advice would you give me? And she gave me all these advices. When I become a mother, what advice would you give me? And we had these

really beautiful conversations. I've got all of it recorded. She even recorded me a birthday message so that every year for my birthday, I wake up and I play it because it's just significant for any year. It's not specific, you know. And so we prepared and we I did as much as we could. And that's why I don't have any regrets with losing my mother or well, I don't have any regrets of how it all panned out.

But I lost myself completely, and I think, to be honest with you, I really only got it back recently, and I got it back through the process of writing this book because it gave me something to do. I got really low, I got really strong dependency on marijuana. I became very suicidal, made various attempts. I was by

myself for a long time in Trinidad. I started off in the hoods and I met some really great people in some of the areas where you know, rumors and the government and just culture would tell you that you shouldn't be I met some of the kindest people there, and these people elevated me enough to believe, or to generate self belief that I'm Meghan. I built something really great, I have a great story to tell and I can

actually still try again. And I started off in the hood in Trinidad and ended up in one of the best places in a villa that cost me four and a half grand a month. Because I started to do podcasts, I started to start again. You know, I was filming people, I was interviewing people, I was traveling the island. I was trying to find who Megan was without Janet, without my mum, and I'm still trying to find that. It's really hard. It's really hard. She wasn't just my mother.

She was my best friend, my sister, my homie, you know, the person I would talk to about everything that's gone. And then not only that, but all of the people that raised her they're gone too. I lost my great aunt, you know, I lost great uncles, I lost cousins. I lost a lot of people, and all I really have now is just their memory, what's up, conversations, voice notes and their essence, and that is what I use now to drive me. You know. There were times I still

live in my mother's house. When I took her to Saint Lucia, stayed in Trinidad for a year. When I got back, I had an apartment in Docklands, a penthouse, and I remember my mum came to see it with me and she was like, I can't believe this is you. Because she started off in the board house, her daughter's twenty four floors up, you know, own business. It was starting to happen for me.

It means that when you're in bed and somebody's walking in your hallway, you get a quick oh that's not no, it's not it's just your friend or if like I don't know, you're cooking and you sit in the living room while your food's cooking, and you can smell the food and it reminds you of when your mum used to cook on Sundays. There's memories everywhere. So my main intention now is to try and do as much work as I can to leave. But the entire journey of

losing your parents up until now, you lose yourself. You have to rebuild your you have to parent yourself, you have to love yourself. You have to give yourself a reason as to why you're being alight, why you're here, why you're going to even work towards anything. Releasing this book was the hardest thing I've ever had to do since my mom passed away, because it was one of my biggest accomplishments and my cheerleader wasn't there, so you

learn how to be your own cheerleader. It's a complete reset and it has been the worst journey that I've ever encountered, but also the best I met, the love of my life. I've been able to filter through my circle. So with the boundaries that I put in place, there were people I was able to get rid of asap because it wasn't good for me. Like everything that I'm doing now is for the benefit and the safety of myself, and I would have never gotten to this point if

none of this stuff happened, you know. So I'm just learning that my mother was just a little girl who tried her best, and she left behind some really great lessons that I'm taking forth with me. Now. I look exactly like her, so it's really hard not to, you know, have that energy where I'm still somebody. Still, I'm still responsible for how it is I portray myself. I'm still somebody's responsibility. I still belong to somebody. So these are all the things that you know, I had to learn

along the way. It is a journey that I don't think everybody is prepared for. I don't think there's any way you can prepare to lose your parents. I don't think three weeks is enough time for you for work to give you time off for you to mourn. And I don't think people understand how much it actually takes you lose everything. You lose everything. I've never lost a sibling, and I don't have a child yet, so I wouldn't know what it's like to lose a child. I hope

I never do. But I don't think there's anything is painful as losing your mother. If I'm being honest with you, you don't know you're left to your right. You don't know you have to start all over again. And then you have to parent yourself. So when you're having a bad day, you got figure out how to You've got to figure out how to calm yourself down, how to encourage yourself, how to celebrate yourself. These are all things I'm learning how to do by myself. Never had to

do that thirty two years. I never had to do that last two years. That's what I'm now having to do in order to give me some sort of peace and happiness. I don't think anything prepares you to lose a parent. And this is why I talk about it so much, because I keep saying to people, if you've

got good relationships of your family, start recording content. If your parent is about to pass away because they're dying from a disease, record content because there are random days where I just want to hear my mum's voice and I can have a list of videos and I could hear her laugh and joke about things, and it's almost like she's still here. If you are listening to this and you are dealing with a parent who is passing away, preserve as much of the memories you can because that's

the only thing that keeps you going. I didn't have that, Jay, I don't know, I wouldn't be here, that's for damn sure. So it's the most life change in transformational experience you would ever have, and it really does show you who you are and your life can either become something great or you can fall and never get back up again. And I've been straddling both, you know, and the depression

that hits after you lose your parent. There's an aimless, hollow feeling in your entire life and it doesn't matter what or who comes into it again with the people pleasing it doesn't matter. You're not going to take that from me. I have to do something with it. And my therapist always said, you know, the relationship that you had with your mother would make it ten times harder to deal with the grief because you were very close.

And I love that. I love the fact that I was loved and I loved something so powerful enough that without it, my life is shit, and I love the fact that with the essence of that love, I'm reminded as to why I need to make a better life for myself. I think that is the best lesson I've gotten out all of this. My mother would be telling everybody, even down to the man at the newsagents, that I have a book, you know, So it's for me to start doing that now. You know, I used to see

her leave the house all the time. Anytime she got changed from a ten pound note or five pound note, she'll put it in her pocket, and any time there was someone who needed it, she'll give it to them. There were so many people within our community and what for that knew my mother. I get discount at so many different stores because of her up to this day. So I want to be that person.

Every time I speak about my mother online, I get a wave of DMS from people telling me like, this speaks to me, this is how I felt, and Jay, It's something that almost everybody is starting to experience because millennials, we're getting old, our parents are getting old, and there just needs to be a lot more transparency and openness around the topic of death and grieving. It's not taboo. It's every day we deal with it. But it's hell on earth and I'm trying to do everything I can

in my power to not make it that way. But some days take over, and when they do, I give myself the grace to, like just from having a bad day when it comes to grief. I'll let everyone around me know and then I'll just switch off because I can't I can't function. And then there are other days where I'm just like, oh my gosh, this is amazing. I'm happy to be alive. It's like this, but it's not as heavy as it was three years ago. I

have a great therapist, a man called Michael Adams. He is somebody who's been working with me for the last two and a half years now, and I had intense therapy two hours twice a week, and now I only do one hour a week. We've gone through it all. I've got so many notes that I'm writing for my next book when it comes to grief, But I can't stress how hard it is to lose your mother. If you have a love and relationship, it's going to be ten times harder. If you're distant, you most likely might

have a lot of regret. I didn't have any regret. I didn't have any when my mother passed away. I knew exactly what was happening. She was transitioning. You know, there's a whole, a whole story about that in itself that will always have to talk about another time. But you see the glory of God when somebody's passing away. You see the impact of the different realms. You know that we're in riven this realm right now, but there's a spiritual realm. There's all types of different realms that

open up when somebody is transitioning. It is probably one of the most beautiful journeys you would ever see. And you start to think to yourself, when we became babies, what were they doing on the other side. Were they giving us some sort of celebrationary leaving Doo for us to come to earth, because when you're transitioning, it's important that people celebrate rather than more so I learned that

as well. You know, I mourned three days after my mother passed away because I knew the fragility of her spirit. She's just become a spirit, so she's probably going to be just as scared as me. I don't need her to come back and see me screaming and crying down the place. I need her to see that I'm functioning

fine after three days. Some people believe that the spirit then passes on and that's when you could do all of your morning, and that's what I did, And I just started to listen to the elders and start to incorporate more traditional practices, you know that come from the West Indies or within Trinidad or things that I've been raised to and that's kind of what's been helping me that during that time. But when you do lose a pairent, you need community more than anything, because you're not even

going to be able to make yourself a drink. You're not going to eat, You're not you're not going to bathe you're not going to do anything, You're just going to be very stark, and so it's really important that we invest wholeheartedly into the relationships that we have because those are the only things that are going to sustain you when you go through the hardest times of your life. For sure.

I want to give a big theck thanks to Megan for putting yourself out there, for having the courage and the bravery for taking that step. I know how that was for you, and I really believe that you doing that is going to help so many people. So thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story today. Thank you to your story, and I want everyone to read the book to find the rest of it and how it all connects.