Don't make sacrifices for people if you're going to make them pay for it, because then it's not a sacrifice. Then it's a transaction. Right. Don't give people discounts if you're then going to ask for payment, because then it wasn't a discount. Does that make sense? If you say I did all of this for you, but now I want you to pay it back, then you didn't really do it for them. You did it for you. And I'm not saying you have to do anything for someone, but I'm saying if you are going to do it,
then this is how you want to think about. Hey, everyone, welcome back to our purpose the number on a health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen,
learn and grow. Now, whether you're walking your dog, whether you are editing, whether you're cooking, whether you're driving, whether you're walking, whatever it is that you're doing right now, thank you for being here, Thank you for trust to me, thank you for giving me your ears, giving me your time. I'm so grateful. As always, I would always, always, always be grateful to each and every one of you, And as always I cannot wait till I finally get to meet you. So I just want to say I have
been loving your Instagram post recently. I've been seeing the podcast everywhere and it makes my day. Some of you are going back to the older episodes as well, and I was thinking about it just this year. We've had some incredible guests, everyone from Jennifer Lopez through to Alicia Keys, through to Will Smith, Big Sean jene Ico. It has been a phenomenal year. But what to speak about the years before. We've had Yuval Noah Harari, the author of Sapiens.
We've had the incredible Kobe Bryant Rest in Peace. We've had the amazing thoughts and insight from thinkers like Ray Dalio. It has been phenomenal what's been going on in the last two years, and I just want to thank you for being here. Make sure you go back listen to someone over the holidays. And I am so excited to be talking to you today. I can't believe it. My new book Eight Rules of Love is out and I cannot wait to share it with you. I am so so excited for you to read this book, for you
to listen to this book. I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already, make sure you go to eight Rules of Love dot com. It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or let go of love. So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour Love Rules. Go to Jay Shettytour dot com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences,
and more. I can't wait to see you this year. And today we're talking about the nine mistakes we make in relationships, the nine mistakes we make in love and relationships. This is for each and every one of you, whether you're in a relationship, whether you are single, whether you just broke up. This is one of those episodes that I think you're going to share with friends, you're going
to keep coming back to. I feel like a lot of you are going to listen to what I say today and then be passing it on to other people in your life, because these mistakes are mistakes we make again and again, and no matter how much we hear them, no matter how much we learn them, when we find someone new, when it feels fresh again, we forget. It's amazing how when things feel fresh, we forget. It's amazing how when we're experiencing lost or chemistry, we forget the
lessons that we learned from previous connections. I don't want you to forget them. I don't want to forget them. And these come from coaching conversations I have, They come from clients, They come from friends and family members that I speak to about relationships. So the first mistake we make in love and relationships is we make someone our everything. We make that person our purpose, we make them our passion. But here's the thing. A person cannot be your passion.
A person cannot be your purpose. Your purpose is not a person. You can love a person, you can admire them, you can enjoy time with them, you can appreciate them deeply, but your purpose and passion are separate. And when we make someone our everything, we lose ourselves. We lose parts of ourselves that we haven't even found yet. When you make someone your everything, the reason it's a mistake is because your everything is now dependent on an independent mind.
Think about that for a second. The reason it's a mistake is because your happiness your joy is now dependent on an independent mind, body, and consciousness. Now they're independence, rules your feelings, their choices, decipher your mood, their behavior and approach. Inflict pain or pleasure onto how you feel on any given day. Give the remote control to your heart and emotions to this individual. They didn't ask for it, they didn't take it from you, they didn't force you,
but you gave it. You gave it away. And when you make them your everything, you lose everything else. Someone can be important to you, but there's a difference when you make them your everything. When you cancel plans, you change friends, you shift your whole entire being. The other challenges is that a lot of this comes from our search almost in a divine in a way. We're looking for divinity in humanity. We're looking for that divine godlike individual,
whether we're religious or not. We're looking for that individual who is infallible, that person who's omniscient, the person who knows what we're thinking and how we're feeling. We're looking for that divine individual looking for divinity and humanity, and what does that leave us with insecurity and anxiety? When you look for divinity and humanity, you're left with insecurity
and anxiety. Because there is divinity within humanity, but it's not the complete divinity, because it's covered over, it's muddy, it's messy. The consciousness has some purification that it requires, and so when we put our everything into something that is fallible, it is bound to let us down. But when we think it's infallible, we are programming ourselves to believe that, well, this person's by everything, they will never let me down. But they will, So we set ourselves
up for disappointment. We set ourselves up for being disheartened and feeling dejected. So instead of making someone you're everything, instead of making someone the most significant person, make them important, make them feel loved, but don't lose yourself in the process. How do you practically do that? First of all, you have your routines that are yours, your rituals, your routines that are you by yourself. Do you know what it is that you enjoy to do by yourself? Or you
keep doing that? The second thing is you have your passions and purpose to pursue. You don't trade your passion and purpose. You continue to search, you continue to seek, because otherwise, in a few years, maybe even in a few months, you're going to feel that that person held you back from your purpose, that they blocked you. Your fascination with them being everything now makes you feel like they've kept everything from you. I hope this is resonating.
I hope you can see how serious I am. Mistake number two that we make in love and relationships is you're with someone for who they could be, not who they are. I was speaking to a friend the other day and they said, well, you know, if if I dressed him differently, and you know, if I you know, if you know, if you spent a bit of time with him, and you know, we got in the right shoes and got in the right shirt, like you know,
he's he could look really good. Oh you know, actually I really feel like if he applied himself, if he applied himself, wow, he would just be successful. You know. I really think that she could be great if she was able to stop, you know, being that way. Notice how you see potential in someone, and that's a beautiful thing. Seeing potential in someone is actually one of the greatest gifts you can give them, the challenges that you have to be with them for who they are, not who
they could be. Unless unless you're willing to be patient and willing to be wrong. If you're willing to be patient and willing to be wrong, you can live in daydream land and imagination land forever. But if you are someone who's with someone for who they could be, and you're constantly trying to make them more organized, you're trying to make them more disciplined, you're trying to make them more focused, then you're not with them for who they are,
and they're going to feel that. And by the way, as times gone on, I've realized that there's more to love in others than their productivity. There's more to love in others than their organization or focus. There's more to love in others than their ambition. Sometimes it's their lack of ambition that makes them lovable. Sometimes it's their simplicity that makes them likable. Now, of course you have to be attracted to that and you have to work through that.
But I just want to put that out there as a consideration, as a reflection point, as something to meditate on. I think that is an interesting way to think about it. Now, when I say you're with someone for who they could be, not who they are, what ends up happening is you often take it upon you to become their guide, their coach, their savior, their director, And what ends up happening there is,
ultimately they try to live up. If you're lucky, they try to live up to the version you want them to be, or they move away and give up because they don't want to be that person and they feel minimized by your mentorship. If someone's feeling minimized by your mentorship, chances are that they're saying, this is where I want
to live, this is who I am now. Sometimes people under your mentorship may, even for a short period of time, believe they can I had this happened recently with a couple that I was coaching, where one of them, for six months applied or appealed to believe that they could become this new vision of themselves and they were almost enamored and attracted to it as well. But six months later they climbed back into their whole of comfort out
of fear of discomfort of having to be something more. Ultimately, that borrowed belief couldn't lead to bold internal belief. And that's the interesting thing about borrowed belief that at one point borrowed belief has to turn into self investment, and they borrowed belief cannot evolve into self investment if the individual isn't ready to put into work. What's almost like
borrowed money. If I give you money to start a business, if that money is invested correctly, it could become more money in your money, and you can even pay back the person that you borrowed money from. Similarly, with borrowed belief, if you invest that belief correctly, you can create an amazing belief that is yours. But if you just use borrowed belief to spend, to waste, to feel good for
a few moments, it's not long lasting. And so for six months, maybe three, maybe nine, you may feel the borrowed belief give you faith and strength, but you have to always see if that belief becomes theirs. I remember a friend who had become religiously inspired, and he met someone who also, through him, became religiously inspired. And the question I asked him is is she doing it for you or is she doing it for her. If she's doing it for you, it may run out, it may change,
it may be skewed. If she's doing it for her. That's beautiful, and some real discernment required here, because if someone's trying to become better for you, they might become bitter because of you. Right, If someone's trying to become better for you, they might become bitter because of you, And so you have to really think about that. Are you staying here because you're patient and detached or are
you staying here because you're hoping for change. The third mistake we make in love and relationships is you stay too long because you're scared of being the bad person. You're a people pleaser, and you're scared of being perceived as uncaring. I know too many people who stay in relationships for far too long just because they don't want
to be seen as bad. And then even when they end it, they try and stay involved in the other person's life because they're too scared of taking the responsibility to say it's truly over. And that way they make themselves feel better about themselves that they haven't abandon someone, But they don't realize that the abandonment the person experiences is even worse because they have access, but they're abandoned.
Being abandoned is better than having access and being abandoned really, because in full abandonment, you try to find your own feet, but when you still feel you have access, you're still teased into believing that someone is still there for you,
that someone is still around. So in this scenario, in this situation, if you've been stringing someone along when deep down in your heart, deep down in your heart, you know that it's not going anywhere, but you're so scared of telling them it's over because you don't want to be perceived as a person who hurts people, So you stay longer and longer and longer, only one day to decide that it truly has to end. And now the person feels confused. They say, well, you just told me
last week that you loved me. I believe that we were going somewhere because you've never said this to me, And in your heart, you've all long been plotting and planning this moment of peril for them, but they've only been expecting a proposal. If you know there is no future with someone, tell them as soon as you know. If you're experiencing this feeling that you don't want to be seen as a bad person, that's why you stay with someone. Be honest with yourself. You're going to hurt
them more. You're going to hurt them in the short term when you end it, but you're going to hurt them far more in the long term if you keep it going. If someone has been with you for six months or twelve months or twenty four months and you end it and they have to find their own way, they'll figure it out. But if you do that after five years or eight years or ten years, boy, it's
going to cause them a lot more pain. Or The fourth mistake we make in love is we try to trade time with our partners instead of creating new experiences. One of the biggest challenges we have is when we come to a relationship, it's like we almost already have who we are, they have who they are, and then we try and trade what we like about that. So we're like, okay, well, if you come to the football game with me, then I'll go to that dinner with you. If you come to the party and my friends, then
I'll sit and watch a game with you. Right Like, it's all about trading time, and now both people are doing things they don't want to do half of the time. Whereas what's beautiful is when in a relationship, you create a new set of values, activities, rituals, and routines that you do together. So you have your own rituals and routines which you don't force someone to become a part of. You don't make that person have to understand you through that.
You create something new together. It's like creating a child. And people often complain they're like they want their child to be more like them or be raised like how they were raised. But when you create something together, you have to find a new way to raise it, and that includes the relationship and it also includes the children in reality, and so this is something to really think about. You know, stop trying to make the other person be
more like you or do what you do. Try and focus on creating something new together, new rituals, new routines, not trying to make them do your routines and you're trying to do their routines. Mistake number five is pretty much along the same lines. You want someone to like what you like, but it's a bit deeper in the sense that not only are you now trading time, you actually want them to like what you like. So you're like, well, I'm so passionate about my business. Why don't you get
excited about it for me? You love me, so you should get excited for me. If you really loved me, then you would like the same things that I like. Why don't you like going out to buy art? Why don't you like going out to shop for this and that for the house? Why don't you like it? Because I care about it? It's rare for partners to care about what you care about, but they can care about you, and that you care about it is beautiful. Do they care enough to let you make time for what you
care about? That's where the care needs to be directed. We want our partner to care about what we care about. The question is do they let you care about it? Do they care that you care about it and they let you do it? But it doesn't have to be something that they have to care about. Otherwise you're basically saying that someone has to develop a whole new set of values and care to be in a relationship with you,
which is actually quite a big things to ask. Right, So I grew up caring about certain things and Raley grew up caring about certain things. Now if I have to care about everything she cares about, that's actually not likely or realistic. She loves and adores food and vegetables and understanding nutrition and diets and plans, and I love that she loves that, but I can't love it. Mistake number six is you don't take the time to understand why they are the way they are. We jump to conclusions,
we make assumptions. But how many of us beyond knowing you know what people like to eat, and what kind of movies they like, and what sports team they support, like, how many of us have really dived deep into how our partners are the way they are, maybe how their parenting was, maybe the experiences that they had growing up
that formed them. Have we ever sat down to ask them really and truly how they got to where they got to Because for so many people, for so many individuals in a relationship, we make a mistake but not knowing because we actually find it harder to understand them. Right If we haven't taken the time to understand their past, we're going to struggle to understand how they act in the present. Usually we judge people for their choices now, but their choices now are based on experiences of the part.
So you're taking it personal and you're saying, well, if you don't want to do this, then that means you don't want to be with me, or you don't love me, or I'm not important to you. But that may not be the case. And if you've taken the time to understand them, to delineate why they are the way they are, you have a much better chance of responding correctly in the present without making everything personal. Right, this one's a deep one. How many of you right now and making notes?
I want you to take a screenshot right now because this one's been a deep one. I've really been letting loose. These are there's some bars of this one right, and it's just coming out because I see so much pain through expectations, through not really loving like love means you know, understanding someone, And this is yeah, I hope this is helping.
I really really hope it's helping. So Number seven, one of the biggest mistakes we're make in love and relationships is you talk to too many people in a relationship and you don't talk to the person in the relationship. I see this all the time. When we have an issue, we go to everyone else for advice rather than figuring out with that person. Who's the only person who can actually impact that relationship. Now, I'm not saying don't ask
for advice or don't get insight. I'm just saying that a lot of the challenges can be solved with each other rather than outside of each other, because people outside of you don't have the same context. They don't have the same awareness, they don't have the same plans, desires, thoughts. They don't know any of that. And they also don't know what you really like about this person. They are only basing it on what they see through you. And what they see through you is the subjective experience that
you constantly project onto them. So talk to the person about the problem, and if that person doesn't want to talk about the problem, find out why what is blocking them, don't blame them, and then go talk to someone else. If you're in a relationship with someone, take the time be patient enough to understand why conflict triggers them, why they avoid having these deep, meaningful, important conversations, and if they keep being disregarding it, then fair enough it may
be time for you to move on. But the truth is that talking to everyone else about it while you suffer the disconnecting the relationship doesn't solve it either. Number eight is you're mad at them for the sacrifices you made without them asking for it. Often we make sacrifices because we think we're in love. We make compromises because we think we're in love. We go against our own selves because we want to show we are loving and be loving, and maybe we love them and we think
this is how to show love. And then later on we get mad at those people. We make them feel guilty because we did all these things for them and now they're not reciprocating or they didn't value it, but they never asked for it. A big part of this is figuring out what it means to be in love. Love doesn't mean to compromise who you are. Love doesn't mean to sacrifice things that are meaningful to you. That's not love. Love means you are loving from a place
where you still love yourself. One of the biggest ones where I think about this is when I think about Radi. Radi sacrifice living close to her parents when we moved to the United States, and I've always thought about that. I've always thought, how did Radley do it, Why did she do it? What made her do it, and she'll answer that question with many things like we just got married, Like I, you know, was scared, but I was open
to it. Or maybe I just was sad every day, but I felt that we were creating something together and I know it was your dream and maybe there was some sacrifice for me. But one of the things Rady did is she owned that she realized how it became good for her, rather than making me feel guilty when I had an asked for her, I was very clear about I said to her. I said, I will literally visit you every weekend in London if that's what it takes, like,
that's what I'll do. I'll go, I'll go chase my dream, but I'll come visit you and that will be will be married. Because that maybe abnormal to a lot of people, but hey, we you know, we're going to redefine what relationships look like. But don't make sacrifices for people if you're going to make them pay for it, because then it's not a sacrifice. Then it's a transaction. Right. Don't give people discounts if you're then going to ask for payment,
because then it wasn't a discount. Does that make sense? If you say I did all of this for you, but now I want you to pay it back. Then you didn't really do it for them, You did it for you. And I'm not saying you have to do anything for someone, but I'm saying if you are going to do it, then this is how you want to think about it. And the ninth and final thing I want to talk to you about is the difference between an ownership, a partnership, and a relationship. And this kind
of sums up everything we've been talking about. Ownership is where you want to control, where you're like, I want you to do things like me. We should do things like my parents did. I know what's right. That's ownership. If you're coming from that perspective, that's a painful way to live because no one wants to be owned. And by the way, you don't necess susarily have all the answers, even if you had a great upbringing or great background.
A partnership is where you trade again. You say, Okay, well i'll do this for you, you do this for me, and a lot of couple survive there, but they don't drive there. And the final is a relationship. You be you, I'll be me, but let's build something beautiful together. I know you your own person and you're complex, and I'm my own person and I'm complex. But let's build something simple and wonderful together. Let's build a space. It's almost like building a home and saying, all right, well, let's
pick the colors together, let's pick the rooms together. Let's figure this out together. And there may be a room that's yours, and there may be a room that's mine. But let's make some rooms together with the best of both of us, and maybe not even the best of both of us, with the worst of both of us, but a new part of us. We're trying to make relationships from the best and worst of who we already are when we could make them out of the growth
we experienced together. That's a relationship. Thank you so much for listening to today. This is definitely one that I hope you pass on. I think it's going to help a lot of people, and I can't wait to see what you learn through Instagram, Twitter and all the other places that we're connected. Continue to live your life, keep living your life on purpose. Thanks for listening. In our heads,
we have an image of an ideal life. Our relationships, how we spend our time in work and leisure what we want to achieve, even without the noise of external influences. Certain goals captivate us, and we design our lives around achieving them because we think they will make us happy. And now we will figure out what drives these ambitions, whether they are likely to make us truly happy, and
whether happiness is even the right target. I've just come out of a class where we discuss the idea of rebirth some sorrow, and now I'm strolling through the quiet Ushram with this senior monk and a few other students. The ushram has two locations, a temple in Mumbai and the one where I am now, a rural outpost near Palgo. This will eventually be developed into the goverdan Eco Village, a beautiful retreat, but for now there are just a
few simple, nondescript buildings set in uncultivated land. Dry dirt footpaths divide the grasses. Here and there monks sit on straw mats, reading or stunning. The main building is open to the elements, and inside we can see monks working. As we walk. The senior monk mentions the achievements of some of the monks we pass. He points out one who can meditate for eight hours straight. A few minutes later, he gestures to another he fasts for seven days in
a row. Further along, he points, do you see the man sitting under that tree? He can recite every verse from the scripture? Impressed, I say, I wish I could do that. The monk pauses and turn to look at me. He asks, do you wish you could do that? Or do you wish you could learn to do that? What do you mean? I know by now that some of my favorite lessons come not in the classroom, but in
moments like this, he says, Think about your motivations. Do you want to memorize all of the scripture because it's an impressive achievement, or do you want the experience of having studied it? In the first, all you want is the outcome. In the second, you're curious about what you might learn from the process. This was a new concept for me, and it blew my mind. Desiring an outcome had always seemed reasonable to me. The monk was telling me to question why I wanted to do what was
necessary to reach that outcome. The four motivations, no matter how disorganized we might be. We all have plans, We have an idea of what we have accomplish in the day ahead. We probably have a sense of what the year holds or what we hope we'll accomplish, and we all have dreams for the future. Something motivates every one of these notions, from needing to pay the rent to wanting to travel the world. Hindu philosopher buktivenor Tucker describes
four fundamental motivations. One fear. Tucker describes this as being driven by sickness, poverty, fear of hell, or fear of death. Number two desire, seeking personal gratification through success, wealth, and pleasure. Three Duty motivated by gratitude, responsibility, and the desire to do the right thing. Four Love compelled by care for others and the urge to help them. These four motivations
drive everything we do. We make choices, for example, because we're scared of losing our job, wanting to win the admiration of our friends, hoping to fulfill our parents' expectations, or wanting to help others live a better life. I'm going to talk about each motivation individually so we get a sense of how they shape our choices. Fear is not sustainable. In the last chapter we talked about fear,
so I'm not going to dwell on it here. When fear motivates you, you pick what you want to achieve a promotion, a relationship, buying a home because you believe it will bring you safety and security. Fear alerts and ignites us. This warning flare is useful. As we discussed, Fear points out problems and sometimes motivates us. For instance, the fear of getting fired may motivate you to get organized.
The problem with fear is that it's not sustainable. When we operate in fear for a long time, we can't work to the best of our abilities. We're too worried about getting the wrong result, frantic or paralyzed, and are unable to evaluate our situations objectively or to take risks.