8 Strategies To Deal With Toxic Or Negative People In Your Life, Work, & Relationships

The Daily Jay is a daily series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress free life. We dive into a range of topics and the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long, so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the On Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for you this year, so I'll be playing a hand picked Daily Jay during each

of my Friday podcasts. This week, we're tackling the topic of mindset and how to approach life with focus, perspective, and positivity. Of course, if you want to listen to The Daily Jay every day, you have to subscribe to Calm, so go to Calm dot com forward slash j for forty percent off your membership today. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now, I

am so grateful that you come back every week. It means the world to me. I know some of you come back every day, and I just want to take a moment to say how much I love bumping into you. I've bumped into so many of you while traveling recently

on the streets on planes. Just it's so special because I feel so connected to each and every one of you that listen, because we have a similar value set, we're connecting on the same ideas, we're operating at a similar frequency, and so I honestly don't take it for granted when one of you come and says, hi, it

means the world to me. Please always do. It's beautiful And I am so excited for you to listen to today's episode because I always base these episodes on the conversations I've been having that week, on things I've heard from people, things that I'm seeing, things that I'm noticing, and I find it fascinating that the number one thing I hear is Jay, how do I deal with negative people?

How do I deal with toxic people? And everyone in some area of their life, whether it's their family, whether it's their work, maybe even your relationship, we all have someone in our life who we consider to bring toxicity and negativity into it. And I'm sure that when I say that you're thinking of someone right now, you're thinking of someone who maybe said something really uncomfortable to you recently. Maybe they made a situation far more awkward than it

needed to be. Maybe they were judgmental or critical about one of your ideas, or maybe there was someone who just straight out makes fun of you and mocks you. There are so many different types of toxic traits that it would take so many podcasts to even go through them in depth. But I think we've all experienced when someone's gossiping about us, when someone makes you feel like you don't know anything and they're superior to you. Maybe

someone in your life never apologizes. Maybe there's someone else who's passive aggressive. There could be someone who's making you feel guilty or shameful, and maybe there's someone who just changes who they are depending on who they're with. There are so many more negative toxic traits that we all experience.

And what I've found is that you're not alone. I think sometimes we think, oh, well, that person has a great group of friends, or you see someone on Instagram and you think, oh my gosh, they must have no problems, or their partner looks amazing, And it's so easy to project perfection onto everyone else. How often have you done that? Raise your hands right now, not right now, not if

you're driving. Just how many times have you projected perfection onto another person's life when in reality we have no idea what they're truly going through. And the more we project perfection onto others' lives, we expect perfection from our own lives, only to feel let down because it doesn't happen in reality. I look at the studies as I always like to do when I'm trying to understand a problem.

What I try and do is I try and understand problems through research and studies and what people are doing and saying and feeling, and I try and find you solutions through practical steps ancient wisdom and putting in modern science with that to help create these mini strategies for all of you that I want to share today, and today I'm going to share around eight of those with you. So let's just take a look at this to recognize how you're not alone, but how many people feel this way?

So one study said that in the United States, eighty four percent of women and seventy five percent of men report having at least one toxic friendship in their life. This was according to Forbes. Furthermore, one in three US adults struggle with friendly intimacy and express dissatisfaction with their current connections, including their closest friends. Eighty four percent of women and seventy five percent of men report having at least one toxic friendship in their life, and one in

three US adults struggles with their current friend circle. What's really interesting about that is if we also look at the trends, we're feeling more lonely. The Surgeon General of the United States has said we're having a loneliness epidemic.

We're feeling a lack of community. We're feeling like we're more alone, even though supposedly we're technologically more connected to others, but we feel less seen, less heard, and less understood, which means the investment you're making in listening to this episode is so important because the quality of our life is defined by the quality of our connection. The quality of our internal satisfaction is based on how much we feel seen, heard, and understood by the people around us.

So I'm hoping that this episode is going to help you improve that area of your life. And like I said, this could be happening in your day to day life, your family, your friends, your work life, or even your partner. Now, let's look at a couple more statistics before we dive into the age strategies. I want to share with you. This one said that thirty million US workers think their workplace is toxic. That's huge, thirty million US workers think

their workplace is toxic. This article by Business Insider went on to share three things that are causing toxic work cultures according to research. The first one it mentioned was toxic social norms. And I think we can all think about what a toxic social norm is inside an organization. I remember when I was working in the corporate world, I noticed how so many people treated people the way they were treated. So if when you joined, your job

was to do everything that no one wanted to do. Now, when you've been promoted, you expect everyone else to do that as well. Right, I'm sure you've seen that before, where someone talks to you in a certain way, deals with you in a certain way, connects with you in a certain way, not even because they think it's right, but it's because what they went through was exactly the same. And it shocks me that we don't realize how we

can be the people to stop these toxic cultures. How when we're behaving with people in that way, it never builds loyalty or long term relationships. And so toxic social norms may be something you're experiencing, but one thing I'm going to tell you is that a toxic social norm is something you can break. You may be the first person to break the cycle, but I promise you that

will save so many people, including yourself. When we subscribe or say yes to as toxic social norm inside an organization, we set ourselves up for failure because not only are we perpetuating a cycle that began a long time ago, we're now implicating ourselves to be surrounded by that energy as well. And that's what I find is most toxic and dangerous is that we're now surrounding ourselves and our future in this organization with that culture. The second one

that the article pointed out was toxic leadership. Of course, we all know what that feels like, and there was a article in the Sloan Management Review that suggested that toxic work cultures are the driving force behind the great resignation and a recent corn Ferry study said thirty five percent of employees say that the boss is their single biggest source of stress at work. Now, again, this comes to that same point. When people were not led well,

it's hard for them to lead well. Right, If you are not led well, it's hard for you to lead well because you haven't seen that behavior be mirrored or presented or demonstrated. Now, some people do learn from that kind of behavior. For me, I've always chosen to see bad behavior as a reminder to me of what I don't want to do. And I'll give you an example for my own life. I remember every time I've been in an organization, I've always been in companies where my

ideas are not taken seriously. I've been told to just do my job and stick to it. If I show initiative or innovation, it's rarely rewarded or seen as a positive thing, and I'm really grateful for where my life has taken me. But that also gave me confidence to recognize that there were a lot of people who could have potentially even got more out of me, but didn't

because they weren't able to see potential. And so for me, I realized that when I was building my team and building my community, a big priority for me was how do I help individuals. How do I lead people to bring the best out of them that they will actually give so much more. And this is something inside my organization that we call strengths, and I want everyone working on their strengths. That helps them build up a good level of self esteem, a good level of self confidence.

They feel a personal sense of reward and excitement and enthusiasm because they're working on things that they're actually good at. And at the same time, it's strengths, and so it's strengths and working on a weakness strengths and working on a passion strengths and working on something they're curious about. That way, there's always growth and there's always a challenge. And I find that structuring roles in this way really helps. And this leads to the third point that was in

the article around poorly designed jobs. So many people just feel like they're in a poorly designed job. This was an article by Beatrice Nolan on Business Insider, and I found that this was really well summarized by Nolan, because when a job limits your potential, when you feel like it's limited and limiting, you can't experience the expansive nature of ideas. And I think all of us can experience this. And what we have to realize is that the people that are doing it to you probably also got the

same treatment. Now that doesn't mean it's okay, that doesn't mean that it's an excuse. That doesn't mean that they should be forgiven and it's fine, And you know, I'm not saying that I'm what I'm trying to say is that there is a lot more to this than meets the eye. A couple more statistics I wanted to share with you is that, according to the Journal of Violence and Victims, forty eight point four percent of women and forty eight point eight percent of men have experienced psychological

aggression from a partner. So we can see that whether it's work, whether it's your partner, whether it's a friend. All the studies point to this is something we're all experiencing right now. The loneliness. Not of not being around people, not of not being surrounded people, not about not being invited to parties or engaged in other ways. It's the fact that we don't really feel like someone wants what's

best for us. Someone wants us to win. And so if you have someone in your life who wants you to win, if you have someone in your life who is excited for you, if you have someone in your life who's supporting your growth, even if they're not qualified or an expert, keep them close. Please value that person so deeply. It's so easy for us here to talk about the problem and say no one does it. But I promise you there's someone in your life who's doing it for you, and you may even just miss them.

Sometimes it's the most obvious person in your life, a mom or dad, sister or a brother, a long term friend who has just been around there and has become like the furniture in your life that you don't even see them anymore. Please see them too. It's so easy for us to talk about the toxic people, the negative people, the people who cause issues in our life. Please take

a moment to validate and acknowledge that incredible human. If you do one thing after this episode, I want you to call that person and just tell them, Tell them you are listening to this episode and it reminded you of them and that you're so grateful to them. Now, I want to point out that toxicity is a spectrum and it's not binary. Toxicity is something that we all experience, we all demonstrate, we all have toxic traits that are there from what has been referred to as small T

trauma or big T trauma. We all have them, and so we're not looking at this as oh, it's a toxic person or a negative person. We're all on that spectrum. And I want to walk you through these eight steps and strategies that are practical ways of dealing with this in your life. This segment about sleep rituals is brought to you by dream Cloud Sleep, the world's most affordable luxury mattress. Did you know you'll spend thirty three years

of your life in bed? That means one third of your entire existence on this earth is spent sleeping or trying to sleep so let me tell you a little bit about how you can improve your sleep. It's all about having a sleep ritual. By having a sleep routine or ritual, you can actually teach your brain to differentiate between day and night, allowing it to unwind, relax, and let go of all that day's stress. A consistent sleep routine also helps regulate your body's internal clock, resulting in

better sleep quality and more RESTful nights. My personal favorite ritual that I do before going to sleep is writing in my journal. I write the things that I'm grateful for that day. I also write down any lessons that I've learned, or positive affirmations or uplifting quotes that resonate

with me. And if journaling is something that you're used to, you can try to write at least three things that you're thankful for, reflect on anything positive that has happened that day, no matter how small, and express your gratitude towards them. You don't need to worry if the writing is messy or if it doesn't sound like it's making sense. Just write and it will make you feel better after. Another factor that can affect your sleep quality is the

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But something that's been helping me, specifically with people with negative or toxic traits in my life, is setting parameters and constraints. Let me explain what I mean by that. I may have someone who wants to talk to me urgently and their toxic trait. Maybe they always call me when they want something urgently, They always call me when they need me for something to solve for them, but

they don't really do it for me. But on top of that, they will make the most of that time, but then disappear and I won't hear from them at all until they need help again. And what I used to realize is that I'm all happy to help, but I often found myself going against my own self, my own time, my own priorities, in order to do that to feel like a good person. And I realized that that made me more angry at myself. It made me more upset with myself for not respecting myself and my

own boundaries. And so one thing I've started to do is set parameters and constraints. And what I mean by that is if someone says to me, hey, I really need to talk to you right now, when they fall into this category of an individual, then I'll say, well, by the way, right now, I only have five minutes, and I don't think that will help me address it. Can we connect on Sunday at this time to really talk about it. What I often find is not only

does that person. Really they may take the five minutes. What I find is a lot of the time people say Okay, I'll think about it, and then when I message them, they will have solved it or found another way. And what you've done is you've protected yourself. You've set a parameter and a constraint to help them understand where

you're at. We have a lot of friends that get made to feel bad when they're not available all the time for someone, and communicating your constraints and parameters helps people understand where you're at and what your priorities are and recognizing that you still value them and care about them, but that you can't always deliver. The next step I want to share with you is something I call the seventy five twenty five rule. And this one is probably

my favorite piece of advice. So a lot of you will say, Jay, I can't limit my time completely with some of these people because I see them all the time. Right, It's hard if you have to see someone on your

team at work every day. It's hard if there's someone in your family you have to see every holiday or on a vacation, it's not possible to just limit time with them, which sounds like a good piece of advice, and it really is, but it sometimes doesn't suffice because of the nature of that relationship and in those situations. What I've understood is creating this seventy five twenty five rule.

What that means is seventy five percent of my time, my energy, my focus has to be with people that I lift up and lift me up and do not operate in that way, and then twenty five percent of my time, energy and focus has to maybe be with these people out of necessity. So how do I create a seventy five principle in my life of how do I go and search out and seek for those people again, not just people that lift me up, but people that I'm peers with, that I'm partners with, that I'm working

on things with, that I'm collaborating with, creating with. So that even though twenty five percent of my time, energy and focus is with people who add toxicity and negativity to my life, how can I be surrounded by so much goodness? How can I be surrounded by so much positive energy that I'm able to deal and navigate gate the twenty five percent that is inevitable and avoidable? I think what we often want to do is we want to cut it out of our life completely, but it

isn't practically possible. We wish it would just go away, but that's not reality, And the reality is that we've got to put more energy into creating that chosen community. How can we find that chosen community, How can we create, curate build put effort into that chosen community. The third method I want to share with you is you don't

have to fix them. A lot of the time, the stress we feel about negative and toxic people is we feel we have to solve them, we have to fix the situation at work, and that we need to work tirelessly to figure it out. And often we can spend so much of our energy trying to figure out something negative that we don't use that same energy that could create something positive and brilliant. We have to take off that burden and that over warming responsibility that we often

carry that I need to fix them. I need to be the one who will make them change. I need to teach them something. They need to learn something. And what we don't realize is that how they learn and who they'll learn from may not be us. It may not be our position in their life, it may not

be the relationship we have with them. And so instead of taking on that stress and burden, which means we're spending every hour that we're not with them trying to figure out them and think about them, we're only depleting and exhausting our own energy. So I want you to really consider that, how much of your time do you spend thinking about how to solve something that you're not in charge of, And if you are going to solve it, one of the best ways to do it is to

build a system. I find that systems are incredible ways of avoiding emotional baggage in an organization, in a team, and even in a relationship. If you have a system. I'll give you an example one thing that was happening to one of my clients. My client has their assistant, and their assistant always gets messages saying, oh, your boss told me to schedule some time, and the assistant used to take that to be true and would schedule the time. The boss would then say, why did you schedule that

time with me? I never said that the lack of a system was creating a pattern and a problem for them, and often with people they didn't want to spend time with. So they created a system that that person would write to their assistant, the assistant would talk to them and then communicate their exact priorities and challenges for the day. And I think it's so important to recognize that a

system can solve what emotions often can't. Often we've struggle to have and emotionally mature conversation with someone we think is toxic or negative or as toxic traits, and a system can solve that far better. So that's really the

fourth step is what's your system? And checking your schedule is a great system by saying, let me just check that with my team, let me just check that back at home, and that protects you in the moment from saying yes or agreeing to something that you don't want to agree for, and then being able to communicate more

effectively in the future. The problem with negative and toxic people is everything always feels urgent, everything always feels like it has to be done right now, and giving ourselves that time and space actually gives us the ability to respond in a way that we truly want to, rather than feeling the pressure now. The fifth step is creating a policy. I think this kind of goes align with the systems that I was saying earlier, But this is

more of a personal policy. So we know that governments make policy, companies have policies, but I want you to create policies and agreements with yourself. I'll give an example. One of my clients was dealing with someone who would always try and bring down their achievement. That person would

always have something negative to say. If they posted on Instagram and they bumped into this person, this person would always say, oh yeah, but you know what if this goes wrong, this person would always rarely want to celebrate them and this would really play on their mind. So I asked them, in the same way as I'm sharing with you, to create a policy, to create an agreement. The agreement they made is I'm not going to see

that person when I've had good news. I'm not going to hang out with that group of friends when I've had good news. Now I'm not saying that's the right answer, but it worked for them. They created a policy. It's creating an if this then that scenario. Where is it and when is it that this person really gets under your skin? Is it on that holiday party? Is it when you're presenting something at work? Is it when you're trying to get your point across. How can you prepare

for that moment before it happens? For another person, another friend I worked with, they found that every time they shared an idea at work, this person at the table would shut it down. So instead of presenting their idea at the first time at the table where they'd feel insecure, and often they wouldn't even share their idea, they would go around and meet with other people in the company and share that idea beforehand to get their feedback so that they could share an improved idea at the table.

Now when this person tried to shut them down, everyone else would say, oh no, but we workshoped this already and we figured that out. Now everyone else was able to support them. If we're aware of how we're triggered, when we're triggered, and what happens when we're triggered, we can actually prepare. So create that policy, create that agreement

with yourself. What is it? Because if you keep just setting yourself up for failure by saying, oh, this time, I'm just going to present a better idea or no, what is the practice? What is the strategy that you can take to protect yourself. And I think that's the key word here. You're trying to protect yourself not by avoidance, not by dimming your light, not by being less proactive and powerful, but by being more thoughtful and mindful about

actually solving the root of the issue. The root of the issue is you maybe haven't gone out and got enough support. Let's focus on that rather than focusing on this one person derailing everything. The sixth step is slightly challenging, but I want you to consider it, notice where this trait comes from for them, and try to understand it better. For example, it always helps me recognizing that some of the leaders who limited my potential are people who had

their potential limited. It's likely that they've gone through something that's made them that way. Let me reflect on that, let me be aware of that, let me be conscious of that. Let me not disregard the fact that they didn't have those opportunities either. Now why is this useful? It's useful because you start to realize it isn't personal,

it's not about you. The biggest mistake we make with toxic and negative people we think it's something we do, and we take on that guilt and we take on that shame and we think we need to change something, and we don't realize that by recognizing the pain that they've been through, we get to recognize that that pain is out pouring onto us, not because of who we are as a person. The pain someone caused them is pouring out onto you, but not because of the person

that you are. That creates a distance between you and that pain, and you need that to protect yourself. Again. Now, the seventh tip is counterintuitive to that, and as the opposite of that, this was something I learned during my time as a monk that really helped me and I've often shared it with friends and it's a challenging one, but it's noticed where you have the trait that you don't like in someone, often the trait you don't like in someone is a trait that you possess somewhere deep

down inside. And if you can just scan your life and think where do I do that. There's a friend in my life who always felt that no one put effort with them, no one cared about them. But actually when I help them reflect, they found that they were that friend in their relationships. And it's really interesting. We think that someone who has a toxic or negative trait

is really aware of it. Chances are we're not. I realize that in myself there are so many people that I want more attention from or affection from, and I don't realize there are so many people in my life who want attention and affection from me. And noticing that we have that trait helps build compassion and understanding for the human condition, which is so complex and challenging. That compassion allows us to give ourselves grace, and it allows

us to give them grace as well. And the eighth and final step I want to share with you is don't amplify their presence. We pay too much attention to the people that cause us pain, and we pay too little attention to the people that help us. Find out potential. Seek our mentors, seek out guides. Connect with those people, find places, find communities to create those connections because they'll last a lot longer. The toxicity will be temporary, but the energy could be endless. Thank you so much for

listening to on Purpose. Please make sure you leave your reviews. I read them regularly to connect with you to understand how we can improve. I want you to know that I'm always trying to improve the podcast. I'm always trying to improve our partners here. I'm always trying to make sure that we're communicating with you effectively because I value so much and I really value you so Thank you so much for being here, and make sure to look

out for Monday's episode. The next guest episode to hear me interview the President of the United States, Joe Biden. Mister President opens up about grief, connection, childhood battles that have shaped him personal mental health, and mental health at large. You don't want to miss it. It's fairly easy to notice the good as you go through your day, like finishing work early or having a great workout. It's tougher to notice the positive when you hit a snag or

a setback when something doesn't go your way. But learning to find the beauty in imperfect moments can be life changing. So today we're going to shift our mindset to do just that. The next seven minutes are about your perspective and how to see those sneaky silver linings. I'm jay

Is Sheddy. Welcome to the Davy j First, let's start with a few mindful breaths to get a little more centered breathing in and breathing out, stomach and chest expanding, body, relaxing and softening, letting go of distractions, and tuning into the present. Beautiful Today, I'd like to share an old story. It's about a wise woman in a small mountain village. Every day, this woman carried two buckets of water, which

hung from a bamboo pole slung over her shoulders. One bucket was solid and unbroken, the other worn and cracked. Day after day, she filled her buckets from the well and walked them along the same dirt path through town, water trickling from the cracked bucket until it was only half full. One day, a villager asked why the woman continued using the leaky bucket. She paused, then pointed to one side of the path. To side under the full bucket, It was barren, not a blade of grass was growing.

Then she pointed to the other side of the path. It was a lush blooming with colorful wildflowers. And here's what she said, look at the beauty that imperfection has made. How many of us would get frustrated by the leaky bucket. How many of us would rush to fix the leak or get fixated on it without to notice the wildflowers it produced. But look what you can find when you look beyond the floor. Within imperfection lies the opportunity to

find something positive, to find beauty. And when you open up to that possibility, it can transform the way you experience life. Because life is full of stumbles and setbacks, obstacles and inconveniences, leaky buckets. But imagine if when you hit a bump in the road, instead of focusing on the obstacle, you look for the opportunity. Stuck in traffic on its face, that's frustrating. No one wants to sit staring at someone's tail lights. But what if you pause

and shift your perspective. Maybe you now have time to finish that podcast, catch up with a friend, or simply look out the window for the first time all day. Didn't get that job, no doubt, it's disappointing. Rejection is hard, and I don't expect you to celebrate here. But perhaps now you're that much more prepared for the next interview, or you made important new connections. At first, it may be challenging. This is not the positive that's right in

front of your face. This is the open window next to the closed door, the rainstorm that washes your dusty car clean, the flowers under the leaky bucket. Of course, some leaky buckets are just well leaky. Sometimes wildflowers don't grow. But more often than not, if we look for a lesson or a silver lining, if we look for the beauty, we'll find it. And once you train your brain to look beyond your first reaction, you'll be more likely to

see the upside in even the most unlikely situations. Now we're going to try this out as we turn to our meditation. We're going to practice searching for the good. First, get comfortable wherever you are, allowing your body to relax, breathing in a full, deep breath, breathing out, letting it all go. Try finding an anchor in this moment, something to focus your attention on. It could be the feeling of the breath entering and leaving your body, maybe the

rise and fall of your stomach. Anytime your mind drifts, noticing where it went and seeing if you can gently bring it back to that anchor. And let's open this up a bit. See if you can bring to mind a time when something didn't go your way. Now, this doesn't have to be a big thing. You can start small. Did you fixate on the problem or rush to try to fix it? Now? Try looking beyond the initial frustration. What good may have come from it? Can you discover

a silver lining? If unpleasant feelings come up, that's okay too. We're not dismissing what's difficult here. We're just seeing if we can find the positive beyond the negative, allowing ourselves to make space for it all. Life can be challenging. There's really nothing we can do about that, but we do have the power to change our perspective. So when your buckets leaking, look for the flowers. Thank you for

trying something new with me. I'm grateful for you, and I can't wait to connect once again tomorrow.