8 Mistakes We Make in Dating and 8 Steps to Make Them Right

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investment you put into On Purpose. I do not underestimate or undervalue it for even a moment. I genuinely feel so touch that you've chosen to be here, and you keep choosing to be here, and I cannot wait for you to listen to this episode, which is all about the eight mistakes we make in dating and the eight things to get them right. Right, we all make mistakes. Raise your hand right now. If you've made a mistake in dating and you're sure of it, it's true, right,

We've all made mistakes in dating. Maybe you've said something too soon, maybe you said something too late. Maybe you weren't honest. Maybe you struggled with sharing vulnerably. Maybe you wish you were more vulnerable and ask more deeper questions. There are so many ways of going about it, and today I want to share with you some of those mistakes and what you can do about them. Now. I was reading some research which I always love, starting with

science and evolving into strategy and spirituality. So when you listen to on Purpose, you get strategy, you get science, and you get spirituality, which is really how my mind works. And this study by the Pew Reset Center inquired into modern dating attitudes in the US and found that it was pretty mixed. Almost half of the survey datas agreed that it's harder to date now than it was ten years ago, and sixty seven percent of datas in the

survey said that dating life wasn't going well. Now, whether this is you or this is the life of a friend, you know you can relate to this. Now. What's fascinating to me, though, also is that couples who meet online are less likely to divorce. In two thousand and five, the University of Chicago funded a seven year study on

married couples who met online and offline. Marriage breakups were reported among six percent of couples who met online and seven point six percent of couples who met offline, So slightly less and online dating is now responsible for twenty two percent of weddings. So it's becoming an increasingly popular way to meet people. Now, this is the first of the eight that I want to speak to you about, and I know what you're going to say. You're going to say, Jay, it's hard, it doesn't work like that.

I'm nervous and scared, but I'm going to push you in this direction. The first mistake we make is we talk for too long and we meet too late. My advice is meet as soon as possible. When you meet someone, you are going to figure out far quicker if you have chemistry, compatibility, a standing connection, attraction, care, kindness support. If you don't spend time with someone physically, it is very difficult to know what triggers them and what does it,

what affects them and what does it. And a few years ago, when I was guiding a lot of young men back in London, I realized one of my techniques that really helped was there's something called the three date rule, the idea that even if you don't like someone after a first date, you still see them three times because it helps you understand and learn about them, and helps them understand and learn about you, and it helps you

learn about yourself. This was the biggest thing. When you're dating, you're not just learning about other people, you're learning about yourself. You're learning about your likes and dislikes. You're also learning how to unlearn. How many times have you realized that you actually like someone that you didn't think you'd be

attracted to. How many times do you realize that there's someone in your life that would not normally says your type, but unexpectedly they're really becoming the person in your life that you're most interested in. And this happens to all of us when we don't just quit. When you meet someone for an hour an hour and a half. I mean, what are you truly going to know or learn about them perfectly? And we see this time and time again

where it changes. Our taste changes, our desires change, our possibilities change, And that's why it's so important to meet as soon as possible. Often, if you saw someone online, you wouldn't be attracted to them, you wouldn't think they were the right person for you. But it's so important

to get that face to face. Now, this study from the Pure Research Center says that about fifty seven percent of single men said they do not receive enough messages on the typical dating site or app, and only six percent of men said they receive too many messages. So again, it seems like men are already dealing with the fact that the not getting enough messages, they're not getting enough communication.

And often that's because sometimes a lot of people are waiting for men to make a move, or to share their interest or to connect, or are waiting to see if they truly care. So if you're listening to this and you're someone waiting, don't wait for someone else to make a move. Now, the second mistake that we make is that you keep checking that one person who doesn't message you back. The second mistake we make is that

we keep checking, refreshing, browsing, checking again. If that one person message us back, they probably weren't even the one we really wanted to be with. They might not even have been the one that we've really wanted. They might not even have been the person we're most attracted to that they didn't reply. They didn't reply, so they go to the top of our priority list. How many of you know you've been in this situation? Any of you know a friend who's been in this situation. We are

attracted to those that reject us. We are attracted to those that feel unreachable. We're attracted to those that feel beyond us. The lesson is, don't obsess if they don't text. Now, the same research study says that one third of women say they get too many messages. So a lot of us are getting so many messages, but we're looking at

the one person who's not messaging us. Thirty percent of single women said they get too many messages, while forty five percent said they get the right number of messages. But what are we doing. We're obsessing over that one person who doesn't respond because it feels like we're missing out on something. It feels like there must be something special there. It feels like that could have been the one. It's like what we do with negative comments on social

media amplify the negative. We downplay the positive. If nine people today told you you looked incredible, and one person didn't look at you in the right way, you go home thinking, oh no, what did I wear? What did I say? What did I do? It's incredible, isn't it? How we do that? Please, when someone gives you a compliment, say thank you, I appreciate you noticing that that means a lot to me. Don't say, oh no, it's not saying it's okay. When you're reading your comments today, don't

just scroll past the positive ones full of love and joy. Stop. Read them slowly, take them in, appreciate them, then move on. And when it comes to your birthday or a special celebration this year, don't you shrug it off. Allow yourself to take an opportunity to celebrate your life, to celebrate your winds. It's so important. If someone doesn't text back, it's normal. We have to be ready to know that there are plenty more opportunities. There are plenty more people

that will respond and are responding. Now. The third mistake we make is that we give up too soon. I hear people say all the time, I'm messaged five people and none of them reach back. It's over. It's never gonna work. No one cares about me, no one likes me. I'm not attractive enough, this isn't gonna work. I'm just not made for online dating. How many times have you said that? How many times have you heard that? How

many times have you felt that? Right? It's so common, it's so common for all of us to beat ourselves up. How many of us criticize ourselves. How many of us judge ourselves. How many of us just make ourselves feel like we have nothing to offer because someone them message back, some of them respond, or we message five people, and because we didn't get the response we wanted, we just said, oh, it's all over. This isn't going to work out. We

give up way way too easily. We give up, way way too easily, and it's just one of those things that doesn't work in any area of life. Right. Imagine you're trying to start a business. You give up too easily. It doesn't work. Imagine you're chasing your dreams. You give up too easily, it doesn't work. Imagine you try to start a new diet or a new workout. You give up too easily. It doesn't work. Nothing in life works

when you give up too easily, especially relationships. The lesson here is be prepared to not hear it back a lot. So the last message was don't obsess over that one person who doesn't text. This is get used to it and don't see it as a failure. We just talked about how many women think they get too many messages. It's not a failure. It's not a failure if someone doesn't message back the amount of volume of messages we're receiving, even when we feel we don't receive enough messages, Imagine

you're receiving fifty messages a week. That's a lot for anyone to keep up with. And you have to get used to the fact that you're not going to hear back. Just as think about this for a moment. If you're in a bar or a club. Let's say you found twenty five percent of the people in the club attractive, or there are a few people that you liked, you would never go up to all of them, right, You would just never do that. You may just about go up to one of them or hope one comes up

to you. So the odds are a bit higher because you're approaching less people and less people are approaching you orreas online dating, you are going to approach more people and that's healthy. So don't see a lack of response as rejection. It's a really really important lesson because it's going to completely limit you from recognizing that all you need is one person to fund and unfortunately we're living in a world where you are going to have to

go through the majority of people. Now, one way of limiting this is paying to be on the side or app and being linked with other people that are paying to be on the side or app, because of course this makes it more serious. And the pure Reset study I was mentioning says that singles spend one hundred and

forty six dollars per month on dating expenses. Now that includes more than just the app, of course, that includes going out on dates, etc. But it's so important to make sure that you're investing to attract people who also want to invest. If people pay to play in any area, they're going to turn up. This was something that I realized in so many ways around so much of the work. Well, I've seen that when I'm doing courses in programs, when people pay, they turn up and they're more present then

when it's free. When it's free, people miss sessions, they don't turn up, they don't think about it. It's incredible what happens when we pay to play. Even in the dating area of life. Now, the fourth mistake we make is being limited by our type. We're limited by our type. We already have a preconceived notion of the Hollywood actor replica that we want in our lives, of the musician or the music star we grew up listening to. We're looking for their hair type, we're looking their face type,

we're looking for their eye color. We're looking for all these things. And it's incredible because all the studies and even individual stories go back to show that's rarely the case. I was reading this really cool article on Pure while

and it was talking about stories of what people met. Now, there was a story that they had on the site from someone called Megan k in Kentucky, and she was saying that you might think you're only attracted to blonde guys with hair like thor or that anyone shorter than five foot six is out of the question. But my husband's smiling, his profile pictures seem so genuine and kind totally drew me in. I gave him a chance, and I'm so glad I did. We just got married in November.

When I hear stories like that, they're actually not the exception. It's more normal for people to meet someone when they broaden their type, right, And it's so interesting what happens when you don't go for the person you thought you'd always go for. And I think a lot of people keep thinking that, Okay, I only date guys who look like this, only date guys who are this tall. I don't date women who post pictures like this. Whatever it means.

We have our preconceived notions, but to really make it work, we have to allow something more interesting to happen, to be more curious, to be more of an experimenter, to be open to possibilities, and so often we just don't let this happen. You know, someone has a picture of their dog. We're like, no, I'm a cat person. They have a picture of a cat, which a non I'm a dog person. Sometimes we say it about the silly years things. Right, we turn people down based on the

tiniest things. Oh, I only date people are five for ten. Oh they're five for nine, right, I mean, that's not even the issue, and so it's such a need. One of the most amazing stats that I saw on the Pure Research Center was that online dating US it's tripled among young adults, and that there's a link between online dating and interracial marriage that both have been on the rise.

And it talks about how we used to marry people whom we were somehow connected to, but now because we're connected to so many more people from different backgrounds and different walks of life, there's more online dating leads to more interracial marriages and relationships, which is a beautiful thing,

something that we didn't see before. So one of the things I want us to really think about is that it may not be someone from the same culture, It may not be someone from the same background, It may not be someone from the same places that have been used to finding people. Right, most of us have been living in these echo chambers where we meet the same people, who know the same people, who know all the same people, and we find some comfort in that, but comfort doesn't

equate compatibility. Comfort doesn't equate to chemistry. Right, it's not about being comfortable. Of course, you want your relation to be simple, but comfort isn't necessarily what you're looking for. So that's something I really want you to think about now. The fifth mistake we make is that we're not present when we're on a date with someone. We're still using the app when they go to the restroom. We're using the app when maybe they're running a couple of minutes

later the date. We're still on the app talking to other people while we're going on a date with someone. And that can be overwhelming. Because, as we all know, there's something called the paradox of choice, right, the paradox of choice. We always believed, or we were made to believe, that the more choice you have, the more freedom you have, the luckier you are. But the paradox of choice stipulates that when we think we are more options, it becomes easier. Actually,

because it requires more effort to make a decision. It can lead us to feeling a sense of anxiety, can lead us to feeling a sense of stress and pressure. So you think that having more choices means you're going to find the right person. But sometimes the idea that there are unlimited choices is actually what limits you because now you're scared because now you're thinking, well, this person's kind of like an eight out of him. What if

I could find at eight point three? Right? Think about a menu, Think about going to a restaurant and there's too many things on the menu. How many of you are like, oh, yeah, I'll just let my friends decide. Well, you can't outsource that with your life partner. You can't just let my friends decide. Right, you have to decide. But when you have too much choice, so what happens is we expose ourselves to too many people, all at the same time. And so when we're on a date

with someone, we're still thinking about the other person. We're still thinking about the possibilities of what we're missing out on. Now, if you compare the person in front of you an imagination of the possibilities of how many people you're missing out on, what's going to win? The possibility wins because one person can't compete with unlimited possibility. No one could. Even if you were sitting in front of your dream person, you could potentially believe that the possibility is greater than

that person. And we do that all the time. We do this on Netflix and Amazon. You're trying to watch a show, but then what if I'm missing out on another better show? Oh what if I watch that show? A let me? And then you spend the whole night searching through wasting hours and hours and hours. If you're talking to someone, talk to them. If you're trying to date someone, date them. Don't keep trying to keep your options open and getting confused and overwhelming yourself with the

paradox of choice. Now, Number six is we let some of the negativity that comes through online dating precipitate into all of our communication with others. So there is sexual harassment, there is toxic communication, there is casual dating, if you even want to call it that. A lot of people are just there for one thing and one thing only, which we know. The point is that you can't let those people and even though it may feel like that's all that's on there, you can't let those people stop

you from something great, right, You just can't. So many of us completely right off an opportunity because we have some bad experiences. And again I'm not saying that it's good. I feel bad if you've had some of those bad experiences, but just know that having a bad experience is not a reason to stop the experiment. Right, Imagine something really bad happens when you experiment in something. You don't stop the experiment because where you want to reach is more

important than what you've had to go through. Right. When a scientist is conducting an expect they're more focused on where they want to get to rather than to the idea that the experiment's going wrong. And so I really want you to consider that when you're making this decision, because I don't want you to write something off because of those bad experiences. But if you've gone through those bad experiences, I want you to know that that's not okay.

I'm sorry you've had to go through them, and you don't have to allow yourself to go through them anymore. Like you don't have to stay in that place. You don't have to continue to receive that toxic treatment. Right, That's not something that you have to tolerate or continue to be a part of. If someone is behaving with you in that way, you can block that person and shut that down. Now, Number seven is something people are

always scared of. How many times have you ever had it where a family member or parents said or don't say too much too soon, or don't tell them about this. I really believe that it's important to share your priorities. You may not share all of your pains immediately. I think that's not because you're scared. See here's the thing. If you don't share your pain because you're scared they're going to run away. That's not the reason I'm saying

don't share your pain. I'm saying, don't share your pain because you want to be at a certain level of trust and intimacy for that. It's not about scaring someone away. Sometimes we don't share our pains. Oh we'll scare them away. No, you don't share your pain because that's something you want to share with someone that you have an intimate relationship and intimate connection with. So that's something to be mindful of.

But you want to share your priorities. It's really important for you to say, this is my priority about where I want to live, this is my priority about what I really want to do on the weekends, or what I'm really trying to build right now. This is my priority for the growth I want to have in my life. This is my priority. If you don't verbalize your priorities, you can end up misleading someone else and misleading yourself. Now, your priorities may change, and that's a great thing to

verbalize too. But I think a lot of people get stuck because they say one thing, but they truly want another, and it just gets more and more complicated. Share your priorities up front. And now the eighth and final mistake we make is we try to use too many apps all at the same time. You don't get into a rhythm with one app. You have way too many apps. One app noise, you're one app you don't like, and now you write off every app. Right, that's the problem

with losing too many apps at the same time. Our brain just makes that a blanket feeling across all apps. It doesn't make us say, okay, let's stop using this one. Use one app, invest in it, focus on it, grow it. If it doesn't work, then move on to another. Right, don't you just keep moving from app to app to app. You may even forget to message someone back, You even miss a message from someone that you were initially interested in.

It's so important. Now, Singles spend under two minutes looking at a dating profile, and women in the study spend an average of eighty four seconds viewing each dating profile, while men in the study spend an average of fifty eight seconds. So imagine now you've got that across multiple apps. You're spending less and less time and actually reducing your chances. So these are the eight mistakes we make when it comes to dating and the eight methods to improve that process.

I truly believe this is going to be a game changer for everyone listening, and for your friends and family, and for anyone in your life. And even if you're already in a relationship, so much of this applies to you. Meet as soon as possible, spend time together, don't obsess if they don't text, create clear boundaries for communication. Right, It's so important, So thank you so much for listening. Makes you drop us a review, they make a huge difference.

I'm so grateful to have over sixteen thousand reviews on the on Purpose podcast on the Apple app, And if you're listening on Spotify or Stitcher, please leave a review. I deeply appreciate you. Have an amazing week and see how your life changes when you applied this wil