The children who need the most love often ask for it in the most unloving ways. What I find is that people who usually stir up trouble or have this toxic nature are often people who feel unloved or unheard or unseen themselves. Usually their comments about other people are a way of getting attention, a way of feeling superior, or a way of feeling interesting. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one mental health podcast in
the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow, it has been an incredible twenty twenty three. I want to thank you all for posting how On Purpose is your most listened to podcast this year, or even if it's second, or third or fourth on your list. I love you, I appreciate you you, I genuinely I'm so grateful for your love and support. And we're only getting started,
We're only getting better. I want to make sure that you've subscribed to the podcast, make sure that you've left a review. All of this helps podcasts and also means you'll never miss an episode. They did an iOS update recently, and it meant that your podcast app is not downloading the latest podcast immediately, so a lot of people were asking me, Jay, wait a minute, have you not uploaded a new podcast. No, we're uploading two new podcasts every
single week, Monday and Friday. Every Monday, you're going to get a guest. Every Friday, you're going to get me. And I don't want you to miss out. And of course we have over four and a half years of episodes for you to listen to, which means you could listen to an episode of on Purpose every day if that's what you want. Now, this episode is extremely timely, and I'm doing it because whenever I'm traveling, whenever I'm
meeting lots of you. One of the biggest questions I get is, Jay, how do I deal with my family? My family creates so much toxicity in my life. My family creates so much negativity in my life. If that sounds like you, this episode is for you. Now. This isn't to say you don't love your family. The people that are saying this love their families. It's not that there is something hugely abusive that's happening. But there is a sense of discomfort, there's a sense of stress, there's
a sense of pressure. This isn't just about general holiday pressure. This is about pressure from specific people you know you're going to have to spend time with. And that's why it gets particularly amplified during the holiday season because you almost have no way out. Maybe Christmas dinner is already set, maybe New Year's Eve is already set. All of these things can lead to a lot of stress and pressure.
A lot of that stress and pressure comes in the build up, right, There's a lot of worry and anxiety that just kicks in in the build up, even before you've got to the day, what to speak of the day itself. So I hope that the next few tips that I'm going to share with you are going to help you lower that stress, deal with that anxiety better, and learn how to navigate those situations. And I want to start off by sharing this. Think back to when you used to go clubbing, and you're thinking, Jay, I
still go clubbing. Got it understood. I used to go clubbing, But I remember when I used to we would always do pre drinks, right, whether it was in someone's college dorm room, whether it's someone's apartment, whether it was outside the club, right, whatever was possible with our budget at the time. But there was always this idea of pre drinks, and the idea of pre drinks is it would get you in the zone, you get to hang out with everyone,
and it would be a more casual atmosphere. But it prepared you for the night, It prepared the tone, It prepared your mindset right, not even if you saw it that way, but that was the point of it. So what we need during the holidays is a pre party practice. Instead of a pre party drink session, we need a pre party practice. If you've got a party to go to, if you've got an event to go to, if you've got your family's home to go to, you need to create a practice or a ritual that gets you in
the right mindset. Now, for some of you, it could be breath work. This is a big one. For me. I find that when I'm anxious, my breath is what gets out of control. Now, if you've read Think like a Monk or heard Think like a Monk, you'll know this example. But it's something that's worth repeating. When I first saw a young monk teaching other younger monks on their first day of school, when I asked him what he was teaching them, he said he was teaching them
how to breathe. This obviously blew my mind because it was a ten year old monk telling me this. And I said to him, why do you teach them how to breathe? And he said, well, what did you learn at school? And I was like, I think I learned one, two, three, and ABC. And he said, well, we teach them how to breathe because the only thing that stays with you from the moment you're born to the moment you die is your breath. And he said, what changes when you're
happy your breath? What changes when you're sad your breath? What changes when you're elated your breath? And what changes when you're exhausted your breath. Your breath is intertwined with every emotion in your life, So if you learn how to navigate your breath, you can navigate life. Now. This has had such a profound impact on me ever since I heard it, because I started to recognize how all
of my emotions had a different breath pattern. Even why we use the language like you take my breath away, or that was breath taking right, or let me catch a breath, I'm out of breath right. Breath is re connected to all of those emotions. So you may find that in the build up to going out, you start breathing shallower and you start breathing quicker. Now, when that
starts to happen, it's natural to panic. Maybe you experience sweat, Maybe you need to talk to your partner or a loved one that's going to the event, and you're just pouring out and struggling and stressing about it all. I've found that a pre party practice of breath work can be huge. So what you want to practice is this. You want to breathe in for a count of four, and you want to exhale for account of more than four. You want your exhale to be longer than you're inhale,
and that will slow your heart rate down. If you repeat that ten times, you will feel your breath get deeper and you will feel your heart rate gets slower as well. Try that out before as a pre party practice. Now another one of your pre party practices. Maybe for you, what really helps is listening to a song that puts you in a good mood. You're gonna get your dance on right. Everyone's been doing the David Beckham challenge. You've probably seeing me and my wife do it and I
failed to get to dance. But maybe you're gonna get your partner, maybe gonna dance, maybe you're gonna move. That can really get you in the right zone to put yourself in the mindset of I'm gonna have fun tonight. I think there's two types of mindsets before you go somewhere. It's like, I'm either going to try to not have a bad time or I'm going to make sure it's a good time. And I think that often what we
end up settling for is I hope it's a good time. Now, there's a big difference between I'm going to make it a good time, I hope it's a good time, or I'm going to avoid a bad time. Right, They're very different mindsets walk down each of those. So the idea of God, I hope it's not as bad as I think it's going to be. The challenge with that is you are still leaving the success of the evening up to other people. So the idea of I hope it's not as bad as I think it's going to be.
You're hoping. Hoping means you're helpless in how it's going to go. You're saying you don't have any impact or any control, or any skew or steer as to how this evening can go. You have surrendered yourself powerless, and now you're walking into a space allowing for it to be what it's going to be. That doesn't work. We've all tried that before. The other way to do it is say I hope it's going to be good. Now you're doing the opposite. At least you've added a positive
twist to it, but again you're still hoping. You're still allowing the circumstances and whatever happens in the environment to define how you feel. And the third is I'm going to make today a great night. I'm going to make sure I have fun. I'm going to create opportunities for connection and fun. And this mindset, what it does is it takes your power back. Notice how this isn't positive thinking,
This isn't fooling yourself. It's not tricking yourself. It's actually coming at it from the point of view of saying, you know what, I know myself. I understand myself. I accept that there are things tonight that are not going to be easy, but I still know how to have a good time. You're reclaiming your power, you're reclaiming your focus, and you're reclaiming your strength. And that's exactly what we
need to do in these scenarios. Now, having done that, so you've got a pre party practice right first of all, could be refining your intention or your mindset as we just did. It could be doing the breath work practice. It could be dancing, putting on a song you love, setting yourself up. So what you want to do is make sure that in your schedule you have a pre party practice set up for you to do. It sounds crazy,
but I promise you will help you so much. It could even be rehearsing your answers to the questions that you know you're going to get asked, so you know that annoying person in your family is going to say when are you getting married or are you dating anyone yet? Right, The relationship questions are often the hardest ones. Maybe you've just been through a breakup. Maybe you had a great
relationship that didn't quite work out. Maybe you took someone over last year and this year you're not with them anymore. Maybe you're with someone but you're not ready to get married. Maybe you don't want to get married, right, maybe you don't want to have kids, whatever it may be, you know what those questions are going to be. Having rehearsed answers, practiced answers allows you to set yourself up to win.
So often what I'll do is before an event are write down the questions are most likely to get asked, almost like a FAQ's right. Frequently ask questions like on a website. Write out your FAQs and then write out your answers practiced, so that when the arts question is asked,
which it inevitably will, you're not surprised by it. I think this is something that a lot of people make a mistake about, where what we're doing is we're standing there the whole time hoping don't ask me that question, don't ask me that question, or if he asked me that question, I'm gonna flip out, or if if they go there, I'm gonna you know, I'm gonna lose it. They are going to go there. They are going to go there. This is all about resetting expectations, right. They
are going to go there. They are going to be annoying, they are going to be frustrating, they are going to be inappropriate, it will happen, and therefore you being prepared is far better than you setting yourself up for failure. And that's often what we do, is we set ourselves up for failure because we hope and wish and wait rather than predict, plan and prepare. We don't want to hope, wish and wait and worry. That leads to worrying, not only in the build up but even on the evening.
Whereas if we're prepared, predictive, and plan, and we're now ready to answer those questions, So make sure you write down the FAQs. Oh you know, did you not get promoted this year? Whatever it is, right, write down those
predictive questions and have your answers ready now. Point number three is often if it's been bubbling, especially right, Like I know someone who is telling me that whenever they get asked about you know, why they're not dating yet, it really gets under their skin because the truth is the reason why it triggers us is because we're struggling with it. Right, if you're not struggling with something and
someone criticizes you, it usually doesn't trigger you. Right if you don't care about how you dress and someone comments on what you're wearing, you won't care. But if you do care about the fact that you've been struggling in dating and someone says something, it triggers you much worse. Right, it's natural. And they were saying to me that whenever they got asked this question, it really irks them and they just want this person to understand that it's inappropriate
to ask that. Now, I agree that people ask and say things that I wish they didn't say, and I agree that often it is malicious. It's not like it's something you just have to let go of. But what I've discovered is that family gatherings are rarely the place to fix or fight things out right. It's rarely the place that you're going to have a healthy debate and a discussion that leads to a resolution because emotions are
high for everyone. Everyone is worrying about what everyone else is thinking of them, and often the person who tries to solve the problem ends up looking like the problem. Right. Have you ever experienced that before where you're the one trying to solve the problem, but you end up looking like the problem, and now everyone thinks that you ruined Christmas? Right like that, and that isn't true. It's not right, but it is human psychology because everyone feels like they're
on display, they're trying to have a good time. The person who gets triggered, even if it's truly valid, isn't going to be seen as the person who's fixing. They're going to be seen as the person who's fighting it out. And so what I often find is that in this scenario, if you can remind yourself, hey, if I want to fix this, I need to approach it at a different time. If I want to fight it out, I need to
approach it at a different time. It's not always the right time to fix something, and it's not always the right time to fight something. And fixing and fighting about something is far more about timing than we give it credit for. We don't lose fights because we're bad at fighting. We often lose fights because we get our timing wrong. Right, It's not that you're bad at fighting, it's that you're bad at timing. It's not that you're bad at fixing.
It's that you're bad at timing. And I find this over and over and over again, where we don't time conversations effectively. Think about this in general, in life. Right, like someone walks through the door, you say something to them immediately. You wake up in the morning, someone says something to you immediately. Most of our conversations that are
uncomfortable are had at the wrong time. And if you can get the timing right, which isn't the holiday dinner, which isn't the holiday event, chances are you may be able to get to some resolution. So don't try and fix it and fight it out at a time when
it's not the right time. And I'm repeating this because I know you're going to need to hear me in your head when you're in that moment, because guess what, when you're valid, when you know that it's right for you to raise this and push this and make something known, and you're also thinking, well, everyone just needs to realize this person's wrong, and you think this is it. This is my moment, right, We've all been there, and by the way, I've been there too. I've made this mistake
many times. This segment about connectivity is brought to you by AT and T. AT and T believes connecting changes everything. If you struggle to connect with others, sometimes past experiences like feeling left out tough times or messy relationships can make us throw up these walls. We might not even notice, and guess what, These walls end up isolating us from the very people we want close. Especially now with everyone working from different places and all over the map, staying
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your portal to a more connected world. From daily catchups with loved ones to brainstorming sessions with colleagues, These moments brids that physical gap and remind us that we're not alone. Two. Hosting virtual events ever thought about live streaming special events like birthdays, anniversaries, or even weddings. It's all possible with the use of video platforms. But it's not just about the big moments. Plan a virtual hang out with friends for a book club session, or maybe doing a online
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and helps us grow. Connecting changes how we live our lives for the better. Number four really important. Make someone else aware who can have your back. I think in these moments where you're not going to defend yourself or fight it or fix it out, it's great to have someone else who has your back and mixes it. So if you've told a family member or friend and said, look,
I really don't appreciate being asked these questions. When someone asks me and you see me get a bit uncomfortable and you know, it's hard for me to just let it slide. Do you mind just stepping in and say, hey, yeah, you know, like they're doing great at work right now, Well, you know, actually things are going great, like, you know, let's talk about this, and they can change the topic, so they're also not ruining the vibe, but that they
can step in and help you. And I think we often are scared to ask for help, and then afterwards we'll look at someone say well, why didn't you say anything? And thelso when I didn't know you wanted me to run to your I didn't want to feel like you needed support, right, So that idea of why you know, we don't ask for help, and then afterwards we'll be like, well, why didn't you help me, and the person says, well, I didn't know you needed it. So selecting your allies right,
selecting your allies and communicating with them beforehand. This is a strategy that's often used in business meetings where if you're presenting a new idea, or you know you're going to have to respond to an idea, you've already got everyone's buying in the room, so that when you present it or when you respond, people are already on side. And often in our families, we don't realize how much people need to know this and how much people need
to be aware. So feel free to speak to a couple of people and say, look, I find this really uncomfortable, and I'm not asking you to save the day. I'm not asking you to interject and create a scene either, but I'd love for you to help me to just redirect the conversation right. This can be a huge, huge win for you, and it makes it easier on the other person as well, because they kind of get the
message through other people. Now, the next one I'm going to share with you maybe a slightly risky strategy, but it's something that's worth considering. It's inspired by this beautiful quote from Russell Barkley where he said that the children who need the most love often ask for it in
the most unloving ways. What I find is that people who usually stir up trouble or have this toxic nature in a setting are often people who feel unloved or unheard or unseen themselves, and usually their comments about other people are a way of getting attention, a way of feeling superior, or a way of feeling interesting. And while our job is not to think that's okay or condone it, we can look at that and recognize that this person
is feeling unvalidated. This person is feeling unimportant, and this person is probably feeling insignificant. And we see this again and again and again. And what's really interesting about this is I've often seen that if I can be thoughtfully, genuinely loving towards this individual, then there may be an opportunity. That's if I have the ability to do that. You may say, do you have no ability to do that?
Totally respect it, But if I can, if I can, I have found that it can actually be revolutionary for my relationship with them. So I try my best in every scenario that I'm in to say, Okay, how do I demonstrate love and affection to this person in a genuine way, not in a fake way, not as a technique. Maybe I'm going to compliment something they're wearing. Maybe I'm going to congratulate them on the news that I heard
about them. Maybe I'm going to ask them a question that's open, and then acknowledge the greatness or something good about what they've done right. And what that does is it gives that person an opportunity. Now, if you do this with an expectation that, oh, this person's now going to be nice to me, that's going to set you
up for failure, because they may not. But what it does is it sets them up with an opportunity to show you that they may not feel that way anymore, that they may have not changed, but you may set them off on a different track. And I'm not saying that you have the power to do this and that you can do it and all that kind of stuff, but it's worth a shot. It's worth the opportunity to compliment them, congratulate them, connect with them on something. Give
it an opportunity. I know some of your thinking, you've already tried this before and they still the same person. I get it, totally fair, but give it a go. Give it a go, because you might proactively be able to alter the direction of the evening simply by showing them some affection in a genuine way, not as a technique. Now, a couple more tips that I want to share with you.
This one's really important. It's okay to vent afterwards. If you had a painful night, people went loving, you know, people said things they shouldn't have said, someone commented about something that really rubbed you the wrong way. It's so okay to vent afterwards. I think a lot of us also guilt ourselves. We go I should be grateful for family, and I should be grateful for everything around me. And I think this is kind of where the gratitude movement can go wrong, where we go, well, I just have
to be grateful for everything, don't I? Because you know, I had Christmas dinner and I could be with my family. I should be grateful for that, shouldn't I. And I think so many of us get trapped in this false sense of gratitude where we're not acknowledging how we genuinely feel. If you need to vent, if you need to talk about it, if you need to let it out, be grateful for the fact that you have a friend or a family member to do that with. But don't use
gratitude as a way to suppress your feelings. Don't use gratitude as a way to put your emotions aside and gloss over them, because what happens is when we do that, that's when we erupt. So most of the time when we erupt in a family dinner or a meeting is because we've been trying to convince ourselves like I should be grateful, I should be thankful, I should be okay, okay, I should be fine. And it's almost like you're trying to put a lid on something, but it keeps popping off, right,
You're trying to put the lid. You're trying to hold it down so bad, but it's just trying to get out. So some of you may be able to genuinely be like, no, I am grateful and I can let this go. But for some of you who's been repetitive for who it's continued to kind of build up for, that may be challenging, that may be difficult, And so I want you to give yourself the space to vent afterwards. Now, a few things that are important. You want to pick someone that's
loyal and private. You don't want to speak to someone who you know is going to go and tell that person or go and stir and create more issues. We've all been there with family as well. Find the person that you're thinking, Okay, I can trust this person. They're not going to go and tell anyone else. Second of all, you want to find someone who is wanting to support you both when you're in the space and outside of the space, because you need someone who themselves recognizes that
it's a challenge, right. You don't want it to be someone who's trying to walk you out of it, talk you out of it, especially if it's got really, really bad. And the other thing I say, the reason why I say event afterwards is because often what we do is we vent before, so we'll say things like, oh my god, this person, they're always like this, they're like that. And now what we've done is we've convinced ourselves that it's war that when we go in there, we're already on
the defensive. That's not necessarily preparation. It can actually be putting ourselves in a position of weakness. Whereas when we vent afterwards, we get a sense of like, well, how did it go. Let's actually review it, and maybe it wasn't as bad as we thought. Maybe we've made it worse in our mind and There's a famous quote from Seneca set who said, we we suffer twice, once in imagination and once in reality. Right, we suffer twice. We suffer in the build up, and then we suffer at
the time. And that shift of mindset that I was talking about earlier can actually shift how we deal with it now. Number seven really important and mirrors some of what we've said. But when you're not trying to fix it and fight it out, often you find that that person is so set on bringing up a trigger topic. Right, how many times have you felt this where they're just obsessed to find a way to get under your skin.
And what's really interesting is that in that time we know that we don't want to let them get under our skin, but we do, and we're actually giving them the satisfaction of doing it. If someone's trying to get under your skin and you don't let them get under it, what do you think annoys them more? Right, whether they
succeeded or whether they didn't succeed. And I think for so many of us we allow one the joy of having God under our skin and so use that competitive spirit and say, you know what, I'm not going to let them get under my skin. I'm better than that, I'm stronger than that. I don't need to let that happen, and there's no need for me to let it get
that far. And allowing yourself to use that competitive mindset to say, you know what, I'm not going to let them do it, and that's going to be an achievement for me. Sometimes we have to set a goal of not being triggered because we're using that desire of saying I'm not going to get triggered because I don't want them to get the satisfaction. I don't want them to trigger me and then get that as well. Right, So that's a great way to think about how to address
it differently. I want to thank you so much for listening to today, and I really hope that you give it an opportunity to try some of these principles, to try some of these out in practice. Remember the first thing I want you to check out is building a pre party practice. The second thing is resetting your expectations. The thirdies don't try to fix it or fight it out. Remember it's not that you're a bad fighter or a bad fixer. You're bad at timing and make someone else
aware who can have your back. That's a really, really powerful point. Make sure you give it an opportunity to compliment them, congratulate them, connect with them over something surprising. You may not even realize that you have something in common, something you can talk about. Maybe it's sports, maybe it's something that someone in the family is going through. Maybe there's something you can connect with them on that isn't triggering.
And finally, make sure that you give yourself space to vent and make sure that you're avoiding those trigger topics or changing them up. Thank you so much for listening to today. I hope this helps you. I hope it helps your family. I know that some of these ideas you'll be like Jeff, I've thought about that, I've struggled, but sometimes we just need another reminder. I hope that this has been that reassuring reminder. I want you to have the best time during the holidays. I want you
to have really beautiful moments and making great memories. And I'll speak to you all very very soon. I'll see you all very very soon. Thanks for tuning in again, thank you for posting how much you've been listening to on purpose. I'm so, so deeply grateful. And I will see you all very very soon. Thank you so much everyone,