7 Relationship Intentions to Manifest Love in 2022

to on Purpose. It is twenty twenty two, and you have turned up. It has been phenomenal to see hundreds of thousands of you, millions of you listening to on Purpose every day and every week. And I can tell that each and every one of you want to make twenty twenty two a different year. I can see it already. I can see the reviews. I can see the way you're listening. I can see the way you're turning up.

I see you posting one Instagram, and I can see that you've dedicated, committed, invested to make twenty twenty two better than last year. Now I'm sitting here right now in the room I grew up in, in my parents' home in London. I'm getting back to la very very soon.

I've just been visiting, spending time with family, spending time with friends, seeing people that I haven't seen in a very long time, and it's really been a beautiful experience to reconnect with some of the most important relationships in my life, whether it's my best man, some of my closest friends growing up, of course, my mother and my sister, my in laws, and our beautiful family that we have here.

And as I'm reconnecting, one of the things I realize is that year upon year we forget that we have to reconnect even with the people that we live with. We have to reconnect even with the people that we see often. We have to renew, we have to revive, we have to create an energy that makes a space where we can flourish and everyone around us can thrive. And often in our loving relationships, in our romantic relationships, things just continue to be the same, and this is

our hope. We almost hope that they stay the same. I know all of you that had an amazing twenty twenty one with a partner are saying, I really hope twenty twenty two goes the same. And then for those of you who are not in a relationship, I'm sure you're thinking, well, I hope I can find someone this year. I hope I can meet someone this year. But in both those cases, if you do the same thing as you did last year, things will not stay the same.

See when you do the same thing every single year in the same approach, it doesn't sustain something because at one point, your energy, your enthusiasm starts to dip, and so the reward starts to dip as well. It is so important to revive, to renew, to re energize the relationships that matter in our life. Today, I want to share with you the intentions, the practices that we need

in our relationships. Now, whether you're single or whether you're in a relationship, you can apply this to your romantic relationships,

your professional relationships, your personal relationships. It truly grows across the broad But I am also going to be speaking about romantic and love based relationships because I think that's sometimes where we need it the most, and those are the relationships that have the biggest impact on our lives because we're with that person every single day or seeing them regularly at least, so let's start with number one. The first thing I'm going to say that you want

to do the relationship that matters in your life. And this applies to your partner, your spouse, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, whoever it is is weekly checkens. Now, I know this sounds corporate, it sounds professional, it sounds very un relationship love like. Well, here's the truth. It is very busy during the week. I'm sure you feel that you don't even get to some time to yourself, let alone time

with your partner. You're rushing around, you're doing the chores, you're taking the kids here and there, You're, you know, just immersed in your own life. And the idea that someone is going to every day, sit down, be present listen to me. In today's world, I actually think it's a lot of pressure. And often I'll hear clients say to me, oh, but she doesn't have time on a daily basis, and I ask them more, how much time

do you have? And they say, well, I might have at least fifteen minutes, And I think, well, the mind space that it takes to be present for someone else for fifteen minutes when we all don't have fifteen minutes for ourselves makes it really difficult to bring someone's energy there. Right. If you imagine that you've been on one hundred miles per hour at work, you've been on one hundred miles per hour at home, and all of a sudden someone saying, well,

can you just slow down and spend fifteen minutes with me? Now, you may say, well, everyone should be able to do that if they love you, and I'm not disagreeing with that as one of your values. But what I am saying is having a weekly check in takes the pressure off on a daily basis and gives the opportunity for a deep, meaningful connection, and that's what we're all truly looking for. We think what we're looking for is the quick fix. As long as we see each other for

ten minutes a day, everything's gonna be great. But the truth is that we miss the depth in that moment. We miss the depth in that connection, and the depth is really what satisfies us now. A lot of what I'm going to be sharing in this episode, including this one with the weekly check in, and I'm going to dive into it a bit deeper, is this idea of sentiment versus systems. A lot of us like to build our relationship based on sentiments or sentimentality. If you love me,

you'll do this. Well, you chose to be with me, Well you know if we're in this together. These are all sentimental statements. And often our sentiments make us wait for the other person to prove themselves. We're waiting for the other person to create a plan of action. We're waiting for the other person to say the right thing, or do the right thing, or ask the right thing. And sentiments lead to disappointments. Sentiments lead to disappointments because

they have no structure. They are an expectation without a system. And so just like a company culture can often have too many systems and not enough sentiment. So when I'm speaking at a corporate company, I'm recommending that they bring in more sentiment. They bring in more of that heart, they bring in more of that love, that empathy, the vulnerability, that compassion. But often in our personal relationships were so deeply ingrained in the sentiments that we haven't created any systems.

So the creating of a weekly check in is creating a system. And in this weekly check in, you could answer three questions, and of course you can edit these questions as time goes on, what has been your highlight of the week, what has been the toughest thing of this week? And how can I help you? These three questions create such a beautiful foundation on which to build a real relationship. When I've done this activity with rather in the past and she asks me, what's been your

highlight this week? Well, I'll say, well, I just interviewed this incredible person on the podcast and I can't wait for everyone to hear it. And then I did this solo episode and I was really in the zone and I really connected with my community, and that made me feel really excited. And then she'll say, well, what's been tough for you? And I'll say, you know what, I've just she said a lot on lately, and I'm feeling a bit tired. I know I need to get to

bed a little earlier. I may not have enough energy this weekend to do anything too strenuous. I may need a relaxing weekend. And she says, well, how can I help you? And I say, you know what would really help me, It's just you know that this week I'm dealing with a lot And if you ever talk to me and you approach me and I'm snappy or I

get triggered. I just want you to know it's not you, it's me, and I want you to know that when I do act in that way, give me the benefit of the doubt and say, hey, cheers this because you've got a lot on right now, and chances are I'll be able to answer that and just feel really understood, and that would really help me. Notice how the help I was asking for was not asking her to do something. Help doesn't mean can you sort this out for me?

Can you do this for me? And often what we do with our partners is we request physical help, but not mental and emotional help. Requesting mental and emotional help is far stronger. If I asked Riley, oh, well, can you do this chore for me, our partner may end up feeling that we just don't want to do our chores, Whereas when I say, can you just understand that if I do things a bit slower this week or I'm a bit late this week, I just want you to know why. And I think this is what those weekly

checkings are about. It's helping your partner understand why you're doing things the way you're doing them. Often we're just doing things like maybe we haven't cleaned up, or maybe we forgot to take the trash out. And if you're not having this weekly checking with your partner, your partner starts to notice a pattern. They start to think you don't care. They may know that you're busy, but you're not busy enough to explain why. And that's often what

our sentiment does. It says, well, you should understand why I'm busy. You should know, you should be able to see it. That's a sentiment. A system is We're going to have a weekly check in where i explain to you why I'm doing what I'm doing. So that weekly check in, it just takes those three questions. It's really simple, and you can do a smaller version before going to bed if you like a smaller version of asking similar questions, what are you grateful for today? You know, what did

you struggle with today? And how can I help you tomorrow? Even having this conversation before you go to bed can create such a beautiful bond between two people. The second intention is to plan holidays and vacations in advance. A lot of people are getting throughout their year and then finally they realize seven months in that they haven't been on a vacation, they haven't taken a break, and then they're trying to book last minute, and then that gets stressful.

Then maybe you don't get the hotel you want, the flight you want, or the place you want, and then there's this kind of discomfort or this disappointment around the vacation now that's looming over. Oh, I wish i'd planned it, I wish we booked this. Maybe we didn't get the right dates. All of those kind of stresses that almost

make your vacation not feel like a vacation. So what I'd love for you to do is look at the arrowhead and in that year, I want you to think about where are you planning your major vacation and where are you going to take mini breaks? Now, depending on your own budget, your own life set up, whatever situation you're in, you need to think about having a longer vacation for yourself to truly refuel. And I want you

to consider mini breaks. And when I say a mini break, it could be a day, right, it could be just driving out of town. It could be two nights, it could be a weekend. Whatever is realistic for you. I really believe that a mini break, whether it's a day or two days every quarter allows for that revival ularly, and then having one vacation of maybe five to six days seven days can be a really good way of

reboosting your energy. And when you look at your calendar now and you plan this in advance, not only does it give you something to look forward to, it ensures that you are taking touch points. You are having these milestones as a way of reflecting on the year. Sometimes we get a Christmas or New Year's and we say, oh my gosh, the year went so fast, I don't even know where it went by, what did I even do?

And then I think, wow, January is actually a great month, but I forgot about it because the last two months have been tough. Wow is that what we did in May? So if you're quarterly reflecting, reviewing, and renewing, you're keeping

that positive energy throughout the year. If you had a tough couple of months at the beginning of the year and you take a mini break, which is a day a weekend to do something that is meaningful to you and to reflect, to review and to renew, guess what the next three months are going to be far more filled with positive energy. And now if you have that positive energy and then you take another mini break, you're

going to be able to keep that going. And So what I often find is this idea of planning in advance. It's something we want to do, but we don't always do it because we don't see the value in it. We think, oh, yeah, we'll get cheaper prices or cheaper hotels, cheaper flights. That's great, that's really important. But even more important is figuring out a way that you can keep

your powerful positive energy maintained throughout the year. I always really like us to start focusing on protecting the mind. I know we focused on protecting the pocket, which is really important, but it's also really important to protect the mind. And often we forego the protection of the mind because we're too obsessed with all the physical aspects. Now, this one really really made an impact when I started researching it. We have to establish new responsibilities and new division of labor,

division of chores around the house. This study from the Pew Reset Center said that for American couples, gender gaps in sharing household responsibilities persist amid the pandemic as of October, fifty five percent of men say they are very satisfied with this aspect of their relationship, compared with thirty eight percent of women. And that is the way household chores are divided, So men seem to be happy with the

way they divided. Women don't. And another area where gender patterns have shifted is in views about how well spouses or partners are balancing work and personal life. Among married or cohabiting adults with a working spouse or partner, men forty eight percent are more likely than women forty percent to be very satisfied with this aspect of their relationship.

So what I find is interesting about the division of labor and division of chores in the home is this idea that it's really easy to get st in our ways and think, oh, yeah, but you've always done that, right, I've always done this, And I think it's imperative that you sit down with your partner and you redefine chores, redefined responsibilities. This would happen in a job too, and this is healthy in a job too. It's figuring out, well, what are we going to do new this year? What

are we doing next this year? And if you don't have this conversation, chances are that someone could be in the home feeling used, feeling undervalued, And that's really what we're focusing on here, is you don't want to let

someone feel that for too long a time. And I know that Riley and I we've been back in London and we haven't seen much of each other over the last three weeks because she's been catching up with her parents, I've been with mine, and I know that when we get back to la the number one thing I want to do is re established like what we want to create, what we want to do, how I can be helpful, how I can be useful to her, And I know what that does is that creates this injection of strength

and excitement within a relationship. The fourth step is make sure you discuss alone time. A lot of the time, when we want alone time, we make time for it. Well, a lot of people don't even make time for it. So first of all, this is the year where I want you to make sure you make time for yourself because during the pandemic, of course we're all locked in, we're in the same space. I think alone time decreased massively. And the thing about alone time, especially for someone who's

more reserved. It's highly rejuvenating. We've known for a long time that extrats get their energy from being around people, but introverts get their energy from being around themselves. And I think that idea of being around yourself is becoming stronger and stronger in the world because we are in more demand of the people around us. You're always reachable on your phone, someone can always find you wherever you are.

Someone's always emailing you at any point in the day, and so there's very few times in the day now that we actually have time to ourself, and that time to ourself actually fuels empowers all the time we spend with everyone else. So if we sometimes feel that we're always agitated, stress, distracted, not focused, it's because of how

we spend the time when we're by ourself. That time, whether it's used for meditation, whether it's used for reading a book, whether it's used for just being present with ourself, is so powerful. But here's the thing. If you're taking it without explaining it to your partner, chances are they're feeling like you don't want to spend time with them

when that isn't the case. Hopefully the case is it's not that I don't want to spend time with you, It's that I prioritize spending time with myself for this much time. Notice how those are two different things. I'm being pulled by the attraction to spend time with myself

rather than pushed away from being with my partner. But because of our trauma, because of our baggage, because of our past, A lot of the time time when that happens in a relationship, a person in their own insecurity starts to believe that we don't want to spend time with them, that they are less valuable, that they are not worthy of our time, that we have something more important to do. It isn't more important, it is central

to our lives. There's something really interesting. We look at things as binary, unimportant or important, but really it's circles degrees of focus in our life. If we don't focus on ourselves, what do we have to give to anyone else? And our alone time brings us up and our confidence up to come back to say, hey, here's what I learned today, here's what I did today, here's what I experienced today. And so as much as we need to discuss alone tim, we also need to discuss and plan

together time. And I think that's the point that often we don't do either we default into spending time with ourselves or we default into spending time together. And the idea is that more that we can be intentional about, Hey, here's what I'm doing this week. Let me let you know when I'm doing it. So me and rather you have this where she will tell me if she's planning a girl's night or hanging out with the friends, or even spending time alone, and she'll say, look, Tuesdays my night.

And I was like, okay, fine, tuesdays to night. I'm going to try and spend time with my friends too. That way we can be together on Wednesday. And I think a ratio that's really worked for me and her is that I know that one day a week I need to spend time alone, and she kind of feels the same that one evening a week she needs to spend alone. Now, there may be two nights a week that we spend together, right, So that's three nights out

of the week, and we're going to plan those. And then there are about two nights that we may spend with collective friends, right, seeing people that we know and love, and that could be family too, And that takes you to five and there's still two nights left. Those two nights can be mixed. So you want to create a ratio of time spend together, time spent alone, time spent with the same friends, and time spent with our own friends. So I may see my own friends once a week,

I may see myself once a week. I'm seeing rather maybe two to probably three evenings a week, and then we still have two evenings to spend time with friends. Create a ratio of your evenings. It really helps you define the amount of quality time you're getting together. And then you want to define the activity as well. You don't want to just say we're going to look for something to watch if you haven't found something to watch.

Do not go down that road. It used to upset me so much when we try and spend a night and one and a half hours We'll be trying to pick something to watch, and I'd think, well, I would have actually preferred if you read a book. I read a book, and then we just shared what we learned. Actually, what I'd prefer is if we watched a workshop together

or a seminar or an interview or a podcast together. Actually, what I probably would have preferred is if we just went on a walk together, if that was possible, Just going on a walk together, doing something health and wellness based together can be so powerful. The next point is is a really interesting one. Choose questions you want to be asked and the ones you want to answer. For a long time, when I first got married to Rather,

she'd always ask me how did your day go? And my response would always be like, I really don't want to talk about my day, Like I really don't want to talk about that. That's not what I want to focus on. And what I found is that reaction and response led to rally asking less and less questions, to the point that then I was like, well, don't you care about me? Now? Notice how it was my response

and reaction that created that. But then the ego and the mind say, well, if you cared about me, you'd know the right question to ask, and you should have known what I meant by that. But the truth is, no one knows what you meant by that. They get scared that every time they ask you about something you look upset, so now they stop doing it. So one of the things I recommend to a lot of my clients is choose the question you want to be asked at the end of the day and inform your partner.

Educate your partner with that question, right, educate your partner with that question. So I'll give an example some of the questions I don't like answering, how was your day? I don't enjoy that question. Personally, what do you want for dinner? I don't enjoy that question. One of the things I've always said to Rad is make whatever you want. You're amazing. I will eat it, and I will be happy and I'll be satisfied. Do not need to ask me, because if you ask me, I'm going to choose something

unhealthy and I'm going to make it complicated. I'd rather live a healthy, conscious life right now. With RADI sometimes I'll say, too, well, you know, tell me a bit about this amazing opportunity you have, or tell me about this, or should we talk about what you've been up to on social media? And she said, well, no, I don't really want to talk about that with you, Like, that's not what I want to talk about. So it's really

healthy because I think I'm being helpful. I think i'm actually supporting her, but actually it's not what she wants. That's not the kind of support she wants. So we really have to educate our partners in the questions we don't want to be asked, and we don't have to take that personally or feel they're hiding something. It's the idea that that triggers something uncomfortable in them, or they're just tired and don't want to talk about it. So then what do we want to talk about? What questions

do we like being asked? I think one of the biggest questions I like being asked is it's something you've learned this week. I really like that question because it helps me mine well, let me think about it. Who did I meet this week? Who did I interview this week? What did I read this week? And I love being able to reflect on that because I can often forget that right. And Radley loves asking questions about what she's

grateful for what she's learned as well. Notice how these are really powerful, practical, simple steps that you can put into place whoever you are, wherever you are in any relationship. This doesn't just apply to romantic relationships. You can do this in the workplace. You can do this with family, but it's about establishing systems over sentiments. Do not live your life trying to just sentimentally create a good space. Most likely it will not survive. It's the systems that survive.

So what's fascinating to me in the next step is that studies show that going to bed at the same time is extremely important for a relationship. And this, to me is one of those hidden underrated elements. Now, when I met Rady with someone who's always woken up early and slept early, I'm someone who's generally woken up early or early ish compared to her, But my sleep term's kind of been varied, right, like some days I'll sleep late,

some days I'll sleep early. This is before we started living together, and RADI was the one who's saying, well, why don't you sleep earlier. We'll be able to meditate more, we'll be able to be fresh. Show you know, why don't we go to sleep at the same time. And I didn't actually realize the benefit of this at the time. At the time, it completely didn't recognize what was happening. And now when I look at all the studies, all the studies show that couples who go to sleep at

the same time have healthier relationships. A survey carried out as shown the stats as regards to the number of American couples who go to bed together. This study reveals at about sixty percent of American couples sleep together. Really, what this does is that it creates a point of connection. Right. It creates a point of connection and gives you the opportunity to resolve differences. It also gives the idea of that we're connected. Right, we haven't done anything together today,

We probably haven't even had time to eat together. But actually, this time together allows us to feel connected. It allows us to feel intimate. Marriage dot Com says that research shows that couples will fall asleep together tend to experience better rem sleep than couples who may not have this as a habit. M Rapid eye movement sleep is one of the four sleep stages in which the eyes move

rapidly behind closed eyelids. During this stage, brain activity is at its peak, and the brain also works actively to replenish itself. Amazing, right that by going to sleep at the same time as your partner, we're feeling that deep asleep as well. So I want you to really think about that. I know you'd rather watch TV, you need to catch up on work, I know all of those things. But what if this was going to be the thing that improved your relationship and, by the way, improved your health.

If you can get to bed earlier together, that is going to create such an amazing routine. And routine leads to a rhythm, and rhythm is what creates spontaneity. First, we have to start with structures, start with systems, Start with routine. That routine creates a rhythm. We're going to bed together every day. We can now create a routine around it. We can create a beautiful practice around that,

and then that leads to spontaneity and excitement. Creating an evening routine that you share together just before bed is such a beautiful and powerful thing. One of my favorite things is I get Rady to This sounds terrible now, but it's one of my favorite things to do. I'll get Raley to cleanse my face, show she has all of her stuff, and I'm like, okay, okay, dear to me, And it's just one of those things that we laugh about.

Should be a complete kid about it and you know, put it all over my hair and beard and all the rest of it. But it's just the idea of it creates playfulness and creating evening routine together can be really, really truly powerful. Now, the final intention that I want to share with you is something that requires really no change apart from a few words today. How you say goodbye and how you say good morning, how you say good night, and how you say good love matters. It

truly matters. How you share those beginning and ending moments matter. If you could raise your game just for those two words good night, good morning, if you could be conscious instead of eighty percent of us look at our phones first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. After we see our partners at night and before we see them in the morning, our phone gets more FaceTime than the people we love the most. What if you turned over and said a beautiful good morning. What if

you turned over and said a beautiful good night. What if every time we say goodbye before work that there was presence, attention and love in your eyes? How different would that feel. I make it a point that no matter where I am in the house, if I'm leaving the house, I have to go up to rather give her a kiss and say hey, I love you. I'll

see in a few hours. I have to do that because I just really feel that I would regret it if I didn't, but also because it creates this beautiful, beautiful connection and it just takes ten seconds, twenty seconds. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode. I am so grateful to each and every one of you for the love that you give on purpose these

solos for me. I hope that you're enjoying them. I'm really putting on my heart and soul into really mining the things that I'm working on with clients, the things behind the scenes that you may not hear about, and giving you really practical insights and tips and tools that you can practice and actually implement into your lives. And I think I see that because I see all the incredible reviews that you're all leaving, and I want to a few for you, because hey, this is why I

do this. So this is from MW a work of art. Jay not only saved my life but also my relationship with my partner. I value his episode with guests, but I listen a little extra and his solo episodes He is a part of my mindful moments, and he changed my life. I've been listening since the beginning, and I was only a sophomore in high school. This is still the only podcast I've been able to consistently listen to.

I feel like he's my good friend who always knows just what to say to make me feel better and see things the way I need in that moment. He breaks things down so I can make small changes in my life that make a major difference. His book is also phenomenal, and I've read it twice and got something different out of it each time. Thank you for changing my life. Wow, Wow, I am blown away. I just found that now. Literally I opened up the app and

I'm looking through. I am so grateful. This one is from Antoinette Powell, getting to the heart of the matter. That is what this podcast does. As painful or unpleasant as it was to answer the nine questions with thoughtfulness and honesty, it was also liberating. He's guiding your way from New Year's resolutions and towards ongoing improvement of how you think and make decisions, with the likelihood of much

better outcomes and quality of life. Thank you, Jay, God bless you for delivering such powerful and life changing perspectives. Thank you. These are really melting my heart. It's been a while since I've opened these and read them, especially live on a podcast. This one's from Matt B. I love this. Please leave your names so that I can shout you out. This is Matt B. Jay just started listening to your content. I want to say thank you for verbally giving shape to the things I was too

tentative or scared to acknowledge. Love, launch and learn resonated with me as a new entrepreneur and father of three. Sometimes I feel like I'm swimming in open water without direction. Your latest podcast gave me confidence in what I am doing and why I'm doing it. Thank you and have a great twenty twenty two and beyond. I mean, there are so many more here that I want to read and that I want to share. But please give your names. I love being able to give you a shout out.

And by the way, if you see me, this happened this week. I bumped into someone who said, Jay, I listened to you on the podcast and you said if you see me, come and give me a big hug. And they did that, and it made me so happy, and so that applies to each and everyone. Thank you so much, everyone sending so much love your way, have an amazing week, and I'll see you again next week