4 Things That Are Not Love and 4 Ways To Know You Have Found The One

in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now you know that one of the things I've been fascinated a lot lately, weird is something that it sounds like you're all fascinated weird, and it's love, it's relationships, it's breakup, it's connection. The reason why I'm fascinated with this is because it has such a big, deep impact

on our lives. I notice people go through some of the greatest transitions and personal transformations in their life when they are trying to meet someone, when someone just left their life. And one of the biggest questions that I'm constantly asked when it comes to relationships is how do I know when I'm in love? Is this love? Are we in love? And some people would say, well, if you have to ask the question, then you're not. Then you wouldn't know, And I would actually say the opposite.

It's a really healthy question to ask. It's a really important question to ask. It's fascinating, isn't it. We spend so long trying to figure out the answer to questions like what should I eat tonight? What should I wear to that event? Maybe we spend a longer time trying to think about should I live in this city or town? Should I move country? Should I change my job? These are all questions we believe that are considerably important and

require thought in order to make the right move. But it's really interesting then, when it comes to love, we feel we should just know. We should just feel it. When you know, you know, when you experience it, you just do. So today, what I'm going to share with you, of course, is my take on what I believe shows deeper signs of love than what I believe shows shallower

signs of love. I'm going through in this episode give you five things that are not love and five things that are love, so that you can actually spot the signs and as always, I will be sharing the science behind what will make a difference. Now, I was reading from the Harvard Gazette and this was a Harvard staff writer, Alvin Powell, and Alvin wrote something really, really fantastic that I wanted to share with you. So, when you first

meet someone, check this out. Love turns on the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is known to stimmy the brain's pleasure centers. Coupled that with the drop in levels of serotonin, which adds a dash of obsession, and you have the crazy, pleasing, stupefied, urgent love of infatuation. We all know what that feels like. We've been there, and maybe we go there and get there again and again and again. Right, we experienced that repeatedly.

I know people that are in relationships that feel that they've fallen in love with someone else because we feel that specific spark. You could call it chemistry, you could call it a spark. You could call it infatuation or attraction or lust. But we all have had that experience and we label that love. Now, labeling that experience love is very limiting, because one could be in love with someone new every month or every year, and one could be out of love with someone because that same feeling

doesn't last. So what we have to ask ours is are we in love with that feeling or do we really truly want to fall in love? Are we in love with that chemical makeup? Are we in love with that chemical release? Or do we want to understand what a loving healthy relationship looks like because obviously that isn't a loving healthy relationship. That is a love like feeling

that we're experiencing. So in this article, Alvinz quoting from a study by Richard Schwartz at a Harvard medical school, and this study by Schwartz goes on to say that during the first love year, serotonin levels gradually return to normal and the stupid and obsessive aspects of the condition moderate. That period is followed by increases in the hormone oxytocin, a neurotransmitter associated with a calmer, more mature form of love.

The oxytocin helps cement bonds, raise immune function, and begin to confer the health benefits found in married couples who tend to live longer, have fewer strokes and heart attacks, be less depressed, and have higher survival rates from major surgery and cancer. So what I find fascinating and the reason why I wanted to share that, is because we liken a lot of things to love when they don't

completely encapsulate what love truly is. So we may say, wow, I think I'm falling out of love with someone when we mature and our oxytocin goes up, but we may feel more in love with someone new because our serotonin's gone up. One of the things we liken love too is how long we've been together. We clap for couples that have been together for five years, ten years, fifteen years, twenty five years, fifty years, seventy five years. And I'm

not saying that's not beautiful. I think that's incredible. But here's something I want you to think about. Are we simply interested in the length of a relationship? Are we simply interested in the length of a long life? When you think about living, do you think to yourself, I really hope I can live forever. No. We often say I'm not looking forward to growing older because age is often a contributor to a decrease in health. So what we're really saying we want is a long, healthy life.

We don't just want a long life. We want a long, healthy life, and the truth is, if your life is healthy, it's more likely to be long. Similarly, with relationships, why do we just celebrate length of relationships. We don't just want a long relationship, right, Do you just want to be able to tell people how long you've been together. No, you want a long, healthy relationship, just like you want a long, healthy life. And if you have a healthy relationship,

you will naturally have a long, healthy life. This idea is so important because we've been conditioned to believe that a long relationship is a healthy one, as opposed to believing that a healthy relationship is a long one. Right, think about that for a moment. How many of us believed, oh wow, they've been together for such a long time. But then we all know people who've been together for such a long time and are unhappy, that are dissatisfied.

So what I'm going to share with you today is what not to like and love with alone, and what to like and love with right. Like, I'm not going to answer for you what love is and what love isn't, because that's for you to populate. It's not only that love is not these things, it's that these things are not love. We actually look for these things and we

think that their love. That's actually the challenge. We don't actually know what love looks like, so we're constantly looking at other things and saying what that feels like love to me? And when you place that emphasis and say that feels like love to me, some of these things can actually take us down the wrong path. So, first one, validation is not love. If someone validates that is not love. Why Because validation is something that someone can give you

to get something from you. Validation is something that we have to learn to give ourselves. If someone validates you and makes you feel important and significant, that is validation. Do not confuse that with love alone. Validation is not a bad thing. If someone validates you, it's not an unhealthy thing. If someone validates you, but don't equate validation on its own to being a sign of love, that is a part of love. It's a useful part of love,

But it doesn't make you know you're in love. Why not? It's because validation can often be based around something you've achieved, something you've accomplished. So we have to ask ourselves what am I being validated for? Being validated for? Who I am? Or Am I being validated for what I've achieved and what I've accomplished? Right? Am I being validated for something genuinely that is mine to keep forever? Or am I being validated for something that I have no control over?

If someone is constantly only validating your career, what does that say about what they value about you? What someone validates about you shows what they value about you. Right? I always tell the example of my wife Radi, who never validates me for my achievements, but constantly validates me for who I am and the man that she married and the person she's been with for this amount of time. And at first I actually found that really hard. I

wanted her to validate me for my success. I wanted her to validate me for my achievements, but she didn't. And that's what beautifully brought me to understand what she us validate. So first, ask yourself, what is this person validating? What are they valuing about me? Is that part of me that I want to be valued? Is that the part of me that I know is the real me? Because then you're going to be reminded of who you

deeply are through that validation. The second thing you have to look for in validation is if I lost this with this person, still validate me, right, that's a great sign to see the depth of their validation. And the third thing is are you only with them because you want their validation? This is a really fascinating part. This is not really about them. Some people can validate your career, they'll validate you, they'll validate everything about you, and that's beautiful.

But do you only love them because they validate you? Do you only love them because someone else hasn't validated you before? Is that your only reason? Do you only keep them around because you want someone to validate you? That can be unhealthy because if that's the only thing you like about them, or that's the only thing you appreciate about them, you run the risk of falling out of love with them if they don't validate you sometime, or someone validates you more, or someone validates you better.

So we have to be really careful about where we place validation. Now. Another thing that is not love is trying to be liked or being liked is not love. Someone may like you, they may find you interesting, they may find you entertaining. That doesn't turn it into love. Someone can like you, but they can only like the parts of you that they like. They may not want to like the parts of you that are tough to like. They may not want to like the parts of you

that are uncomfortable. Have you even shown them those or do you love being liked so much that you're scared of showing that person who you really are. Being liked is beautiful. We all want to be liked, but at one point a relationship best to evolve from being liked to displaying honestly some of our flaws, or letting people experience us at different times of the day or different times of the year when our mood shifts and things change about ourselves. I remember I always wanted Raley to

believe I was perfect. When I first started dating her, I would do everything. I literally would do everything and anything. And obviously as time went on, that war off. I couldn't do everything in anything, and luckily Raley didn't leave me because of that. But I started to notice that I was so obsessed with being liked that I hadn't allowed her to see my flaws, and so I couldn't

see how she would deal with my flaws. And some of us get really scared around someone seeing our flaws because we think, oh gosh, if they see my flaws, then they're gonna leave me. And that's what you don't want to live in, because that's not love. Because now you live in an insecurity that if this person gets to know the real me, they're going to leave me. That is not a healthy place to live. You don't

want to be in that scenario for too long. You don't want to live in that insecurity for too long a period of time because it grates away at you. It makes you feel unconstantly uncomfortable, constantly uncertain about what if, what if, or when this person finds out you feel

that sense of imposter syndrome. Now that isn't love. In love, you should be able to show parts of yourself, share parts of yourself, And of course I'm not asking to do on day one, but slowly, steadily allowing someone to get to know you, allowing someone to see parts of you, and recognizing just because they don't love you when they see parts of you, or they don't want to be around for those, that doesn't mean that you're not lovable, right.

It's because we've all created these warped views of love. We all think that the person we're going to fall in love with is going to be perfect. We even say things like I just met the most perfect person, or he or she is perfect for me, or they are perfect for me. Just the idea of saying they are perfect for me, I found the perfect person. We even saying best Man speeches, he found the perfect person.

When we say things like that, we're creating this pressure and emphasis that we're going to end up with someone perfect, and therefore we try be that perfect person and they try to live up to that too. Forty three percent of full time employees say their job is the main cause of their negative mental health. This needs to change. Work should be a place where we flourish, not a

constant source of stress. Reimagining the relationship between mental health and work, Empowering employees to have conversations to eliminate stigmas, and shining a light on available resources will be some of my core focus areas as Chief Purpose Officer at CALM. I'm partnering with Calm to propel the mission of making the world happier and healthier through life changing daily content and getting the world to view mental health as health. Tune in now for an exclusive sneak peak from the

Daily Jay. The third thing that is in love is that power is not love. The idea of controlling someone or being controlled is not love. You trying to control someone's life or someone trying to control you does not equate to love. Often when someone's controlling in the beginning, it can feel exciting because you think, oh, they care

so much, they're so involved. Then you start to see that that could end up being possessive or obsessive, and that power starts influencing your choices, who you spend time with, where you spend time, what you do with that time. Power is not love. Control and fear are not love. In The Vaders, it talks about how people influence people, and it said that there are four ways of influencing people.

The lowest form is out of fear and control. Higher than that is influencing people through making them work towards results and goals. Higher than that is responsibility when people feel a sense of responsibility. And then higher than that is out of love. So love is considered the highest way to motivate someone. Control and fear consider the lowest ways to motivate someone. Maybe a good way to get started, but I want to sustain all way to keep up.

For example, someone breaks up with you, you can use that fear to get motivated to start doing whatever you want to do, working out, getting healthier, getting stronger, whatever it may be. But ultimately you want to change that to say I love my body. Right. You may first start working on your body because you want revenge, but slowly you want to start working on your body because you love your body. Right, So you want to shift out of that lower fear based relationship to a relationship

based on love. So some relationships actually start in fear and control, then they move towards working towards some goal, then they work towards the responsibility, and then they go to love. And often it's in that responsibility phase where we think, wow, am I just being responsible being with this person? That's boring, but often that can give rise or birth to something really powerful. And the fourth thing

that is in love is that pain is not love. Now, discust can be included in love, but pain is not right if someone is causing you pain, if someone is abusive verbally, emotionally, physically, And then they say, but I love you, and you say, but they love me. You know they act out like this, but they do love me. That is not love. I hear that sentence so many times he or she does this or they do this, but you know they love me. I know they love me deep down in their heart. Please do not accept

pain as love. We do not need to give discounts on our love. So those are four things that love is not. And often we liken it to that or we accept those. Sometimes it's not that we like and love to those things, but we accept those as loves. We accept validation as love, We accept being liked as love, we accept someone dominating us as love, and we accept pain as love. We accept these things as payment for our love. But we've got to be careful about accepting

those things. Now here's what some of the things that love looks like that we don't always feel comfortable with. The first is growth. Growth is love. Learning with, through and from each other is love. That is how you actually learn to love. Is that you learn together, You grow together, you develop together, and growth is painful. Growth isn't always easy. Sometimes growth feels like tension and friction and discomfort, but that growth helps you love more and

love better and love deeper. Right. So, if you're being forced to grow in your relationship, you're being forced to challenge your ideas, You're being forced to look at things differently, You're being forced to step up. You're being forced to be more humble, you're being forced to be more grounded, you're being forced to be more open minded. That is an amazing opportunity to fall in love, not only with

the other person, but with yourself. If someone is inspiring you to do all of those things, all of those things can be love, right, They can truly be love. So we shouldn't shy away from growth. Often when a relationship gets to growth is when we walk, because we don't want to grow. And that's why that stupid obsessive in Schwartz's word, love in the beginning, when our serotonin goes through the roof, that's why we get attracted to that so much, because it's easy, it's comfortable, it's fun,

it's drilling. But we all know that is in love. Who wants to live a constant life of dating someone new every month. Now maybe some of you do, and that's fine, but we know that that is just an aspect of joy, But that is not joy itself, right, that is not everything. Jacqueline Old's, Associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, says there is too much pressure on what a romantic partner should be. There should be your best friend. There should be your lover. There should

be your closest relative. There should be your work partner. They should be the co parent, your athletic partner. Of course, everybody isn't able to quite live up to it. And that's why I'm saying that they're actually there for growth. They're actually not going to live up to all those things, so that you have to grow. If they lived up to all of those things, then you wouldn't have to grow. You could just accept them as perfect and you'd be

perfect for them. But we know the reality that they're not perfect for you and you're not perfect for them, and that forces you both to grow. Now, if you both see that as a challenge and thing, this is us getting to grow and love together, that's special, that's beautiful. The next one is appreciation, is love, gratitude, kindness. This is something that not only do we want to display, but it's something that of course we want to receive. Now, we often look for validation and we often look for

appreciation rather than choosing to give it. Now, what is the difference, you may say, between validation and appreciation. Appreciation could be something really small. It could be a small note of gratitude. It could be a small act of kindness. Validation is some thing that we seek for, maybe something we've gained or achieved. Kindness and appreciation comes from that person and is a beautiful act of love. And ask yourself when was the rest last time you were appreciative

or kind to your partner. Often our partners are the ones that receive the least appreciative, least kind versions of us because we're so distracted potentially doing that for others or potentially recognizing this person is going to be around anyway. Now, this goes a bit further. Alignment is love. What I mean by this is there's a beautiful statement by Gandhi where he said that harmony or peace is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are aligned.

And my question is does that person stay aligned in what they think, what they say, and what they do for you. Someone may say they're going to do something, but do they actually do it. Someone may be thinking about something, but do they actually say it and do it. That is when you know that someone is in love, and when you're in love, are you thinking saying and doing the same thing toward that person? Right? Do you feel that there is an alignment in your work with

that person? Now there's something really interesting here, of course. Now Old said that children remain the biggest stress around relationships, adding that it seems a particular problem these days. Young parents feel pressure to raise kids perfectly, even at the risk of their own relationships. Kids are a constant pressure for parents. The days when childcare consisted of instruction and go play outside while mom and dad reconnected over cocktails

are largely gone. So what we're learning here is that alignment comes when we recognize that we have to continue to keep this relationship healthy. If you ignore your body, will it be healthy or unhealthy? If you ignore your relationship, will it become unhealthy or healthy? So many of my clients will say to me, Jay, you know, I feel like we don't have a connection anymore. I think we've fallen out of love. And I'll say, well, when was the last time you went out on a date night?

When was the last time you sat and had a deep intimate conversation about your relationship. When was the last time you stayed up all night and had fun? When was the last time you did all those things that made you fall in love. You don't have to go back and relive down memory lane, but it's like, what are you actually doing to water your relationship? What is the sun to your relationship today? What is it that's keeping your relationship fresh? If there is not investment, if

there is no input, how will it remain now? Commitment is a sign of love. Turning up when you don't feel like it is still a sign of love. Because the only thing that makes someone turn up when they don't feel like it is love is a deeper reason because we follow our feelings so much, and they often mislead us or they distract us. But if someone keeps committing and showing up, that is a sign of love. There is some love there. Don't devalue someone who's comitted

to you. Don't devalue someone who turns up on time and who represents that love for you. And the last one I want to share with you is experimenting together is love? In this study, it's said by Schwartz and by our good friend Robert Wardinger, who's also been on the podcast, is retaining a genuine sense of curiosity about your partner, fostered both by time apart to have separate experiences and by time together just as a couple. To

share those experiences. Couples watch videos of themselves arguing. Afterwards, each person was asked what the partner was thinking. The longer they'd been together, the worst they actually were at guessing, in part because they thought they already knew. What keeps love alive is being able to recognize that you don't really know your partner perfectly and still being curious and

still be exploring. I love this idea of experimenting. The problem is couples who have been together for a lo they think they know each other, but you're with a new person. Your partner has changed, your partner has evolved,

your partner has grown. Please take the time to get to know your partner, even if you've been with them for ten years, fifteen years, twenty years, Which means, in addition to being sure you have enough time and involvement with each other that that time isn't stolen, making sure you have enough separateness that you can be an object of curiosity for the other person is really powerful and

important as well. And I love this study because there's just so many beautiful things in this that really help us understand that experimenting together is love, experiencing together is love. Don't underestimate those ideas. I want to thank you again for joining me today. I'm so grateful that you made the time. I really hope that you're just trying to play one thing, just one thing that I shared today and watch how your life changes. Thanks for joining me

on on purpose. I'll see you again very soon. Look out next week for more amazing episode. And of course we've been around for three years now. There are so many incredible episodes from the last three years with amazing guests, amazing solo episodes. Don't miss out. Thanks for listening. We're adding something new this year. I'm calling them Calm Moments. I'm going to give you special access to an episode of The Daily J. The Daily J is a seven

minute daily meditation habit that's on Calm. I'm giving you a sneak peek into what you'll experience if you come over and get forty percent off a premium membership at Calm dot com. Forward slash J. I can't wait for you to experience this calm moment. Let's do it now. When you're a kid, everyone asks you what do you want to be when you grow up? For me ages one through four, it was a cowboy, and then five through nine police officer. But why don't they ask you

who you want to be? Us? As it is preoccupied with accomplishments, with checking items off a to do list, though I believe that character is far more important. So today I'm going to introduce you to the powerful tool of to b lists. These next seven minutes are about you and building positive qualities. I'm Ja Shetty. Welcome to the Daily J. Let's start by taking a few deep breaths to center ourselves inhaling and exhaling, expanding and releasing,

focusing and relaxing. Beautiful. Have you ever thought about your relationship with to do lists? If you're like me, then it's not always pretty. To do lists are supposed to be sources of organization and efficiency, but I have such a love hate relationship with mine. Sometimes I find myself running from task to task, trying to accomplish as much as possible.