Everyone's got advice for us, but it's hard to know what advice to follow and where to start. We can't expect to get love right when we've never been educated on how to give or receive it. We think there's a perfect person out there for us, a soulmate, the one, and dating apps reinforce that belief. That's wonderful when it happens, but it doesn't happen to everyone, and it doesn't always stay so perfect. Everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the
number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to become the happier, healthier, and more healed. Now, my new book, Eight Rules of Love just came out three days ago. I am so excited for you to read it. If you haven't already ordered it, you can order it
right now at eight Rules of Love dot com. You can buy it at Bonds and Noble, and you can also get a free PDF when you do that, which gives you reflection, questions and an online journal to help you think and introspect with the book. That's a special offer when you order today from eight Rules of Love dot com, and I'd love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour Love Rules. Go to Jay Shettytour dot com to learn more information about tickets,
VIP experiences, and more. I can't wait to see you this year. Now I have another surprise for you. I have something else that's special for you. Today's episode is the audiobook introduction Absolutely Free. I can't wait to share this with you. I hope that so many of you will listen to this, be inspired, and then go and grab the audiobook from eight Rules of Love dot com. So it's in my voice. I'm giving you the first introduction of the book Totally Free on the show because
I love our OPS community. I love your dedication to this community. I can't wait for you to listen to it. I tell some really interesting stories about rather talk about the history of love and our definitions of love. I think you're really going to enjoy today's episode. I can't wait for you to hear it. And of course, if you want to support, head over to eight Rules of Love dot com and order the audiobook and listen to the rest. Thank you so much. Introduction. What is the
difference between like and love? Asks a student. The teacher responds, when you Like a flower, you pluck it. When you love a flower, you water it daily. This frequently cited dialogue illustrates one of my favorite ideas about love. We are attracted to beauty. We long for it and want it for our own. This is the flower that we pluck and enjoy, but attraction, like a cut flower, eventually withers and we discard it. When attraction develops into love,
it requires more care. When we want to keep a flower alive, we don't cut it and put it in a vase. We give it sunlight, soil, and water. And it's only when you care for a flower over time, doing your best to keep it alive, that you fully experience its beauty, the freshness, the color, the scent, the bloom. You notice, the delicate detail on each petal. You watch, your respond to the seasons. You find joy and satisfaction when a new but appears, and feel a thrill when
it blossoms. We are drawn to love as we're drawn to a flower, first by its beauty and a law. But the only way we can keep it alive is through consistent care and attention. Love is a daily effort. I want to develop the habit of love with you. In this book, I'll introduce you to practices, mindsets, and tools that will help you love in a way that brings daily rewards, season after season. It has been said that the greatest pursuit of human life is to love
and to be loved. We believe in love. It's in our nature to be drawn to love stories, to long for one of our own, and to hope that true love is possible. But many of us also know what it feels like to be a flower that's been cut and stuck in water, only to wilt and lose our bloom. Maybe you've felt that way, or maybe you've cut and discarded a few flowers in your time, or maybe you haven't found love yet and are still looking. These disappointments
might come in different forms. Believing you were in love, then feeling misled, thinking it was love, only to find it was last, being certain it was love but discovering it was a lie. Expecting love to last but watching it fade. Maybe we fear commitment or choose people who do, or set our standards too high and don't give people
a chance. Maybe an X is still on our minds, or maybe we've just had a run of bad luck, instead of falling for false promises or unfulfilling partners, instead of feeling defeated or hopeless, instead of getting your heart broken, I want you to experience the expansive love that you hope exists. Romantic love is at once familiar and complex. It has been seen and described in infinite ways across
time and cultures. Psychologist Tim Lomas, a lecturer in the Human Flourishing Program at Harvard University, analyzed fifty languages and identified fourteen unique kinds of love. The ancient Greeks said there were seven basic types eross, which is sexual or passionate love, filia or friendship, store gay or familial love, a gape which is universal love, ludus which is casual or noncommittal love, pragma which is based on duty or
other interests, and filotia, which is self love. An analysis of Chinese literature from five hundred to three thousand years old reveals many forms of love, from passionate and obsessive love to devoted love to casual love. In the Tamil language, there are more than fifty words for various kinds and nuances of love, such as love is grace, love within a fulfilling relationship and a melting inside due to a
feeling of love. In Japanese, the term koi no yo khan describes the sensation of meeting someone new and feeling that you're destined to fall in love with them, and koku haku describes a declaration of loving commitment. In India's Borough language, anstra describes the knowledge that a relationship will fade. Our own culture describes love in numerous ways. If we look at the billboard Top fifty love songs of all time,
we are told that love is a secondhand emotion. Tina Turner, love is a roller coaster, Ohio Players, Love is a hangover, Diana Ross. Love is a crazy little thing, Queen Love's got Beyonce looking so crazy right now? And Leona Lewis keeps bleeding love. Movies idealize love, but we rarely find
out what happens after Happily ever after. With so many perspectives and portraits and parables of love surrounding us every day, I want this book to help you create your own definition of love and develop the skills to practice and enjoy that love every day. When I was twenty one years old, I skipped my college graduation to join an ushram in a village near Mumbai. I spent three years there as a Hindu monk, meditating, studying ancient scriptures, and
volunteering alongside my fellow monks. The oldest Hindu scriptures we studied are called the Vaders. They were written on palm leaves in Sanskrit more than five thousand years ago. Most of the palm leaves no longer exist, but the texts have survived. Some of them are even online. Their presence and relevance in the modern world always amaze and inspire me. I've been studying the Vaders for sixteen years now, and for the three years I lived as a monk, I
studied them deeply. When I saw the practical and accessible wisdom hidden within them, I started sharing these messages and inside with people around the world through podcasts, books and videos. A big part of my work today is coaching individuals and couples and training others to do the same. This work has allowed me to certify more than two thousand coaches, all of whom use a curriculum I developed that is rooted in Vedic principles. I've used wisdom from the Vaders
to form the concepts in this book. I turned to the Vaders because these ancient scribes speak of love in ways I hadn't heard before. What they say is simple and accessible, an old lends that offers a new perspective. The Vaders introduced me to the fundamental ideas that love has stages, that love is a process, and that we all desire to love and be loved. As I worked with individuals and couples on their relationships and transitions into and out of love, I saw that the validity of
these concepts stands the test of real life settings. Then, in comments on my videos and responses to my podcast, I saw and heard people struggling with the same recurring patterns in their relationships, many of them issues that I had successfully addressed with my clients using Vedic concepts. I wrote this book so that anyone can access these concepts
and discuss them with friends, family, and partners. I drew from the guidance of the Vaders, from what has worked with my clients, from my own travels, and from what I learned with my fellow monks. I love the intersection of modern science and ancient wisdom. The ideas here are supported by both, though we are repurposing Vedic concepts in ways they haven't been used before, applying spiritual concepts to earthly relationships. The practice of love nobody sits us down
and teaches us how to love. Love is all around us, but it can be hard to learn from friends and family who themselves are just winging it. Some are looking for love, Some are giddy and love and full of hope. Some might be ghosting each other or leading each other on. Some are together but not in love, Some are breaking up because they just can't figure out how to make it work, and some seem content in their loving relationships. Everyone's got advice for us. Love is all you need.
When you meet your soulmate, you'll know you can change them. Relationships should feel easy opposites attract, but it's hard to know what advice to follow and where to start. We can't expect to get love right when we've never been educated on how to give or receive it, how to manage our emotions in connection to someone else's, how to understand others, how to build a nurture relationship where both people thrive. Most of the advice on love is caught
up in how to find mister or missus Wright. We think there's a perfect person out there for us, a soulmate, the one, and dating apps reinforce that belief. That's wonderful when it happens, but it doesn't happen to everyone, and it doesn't always stay so perfect. This book is different because it's not about finding the perfect person or relationship and leaving the rest to chance. I want to help you intentionally build love instead of wishing, wanting, and waiting
for it to arrive fully formed. I want to help you deal with the challenges and imperfections we encounter on the journey to love. I want you to create a love that grows every day, expanding and evolving, rather than achieved and complete. We can't know where and when we'll find love, but we can prepare for it and practice
what we've learned when we find it. The Vaders describe four stages of life, and these are the classrooms in which we'll learn the rules of love so that we can recognize and make the most of it when it comes our way. Instead of presenting love as an ethereal concept, they describe it as a series of steps, stages, and experiences that chart a clear path forward. After we learn the lessons of one level, we move to the next.
If we struggle or move on from a stage before we've completed it, we simply return to the lesson we need. Life pushes us back in the direction of this work. The four classrooms are Brahmacharya Ashram, Grahasta Ashram, Vanaprastashram, and Sanya Sashram. If you look up ashram in a dictionary, you'll find that it means hermitage. The meanings of Sanskrit words often get stripped down in their English definitions, but
in practice they have more depth. I define ushram as a school of learning, growth and support, a sanctuary for self development, somewhat like the ushram in which I spent my years as a monk. We are meant to be learning at every stage of life. Think about life as a series of classrooms or ushrams, in which we learn various lessons. Each ashram brings us to a different level of love. The first ushram preparing for love. In the
first Ushram Brahmachariah, we prepare for love. We don't get in a car and start to drive without studying for a learner's permit and practicing the core skills in a safe space. When we take a new job, we might prepare by learning a new computer program, talking to people we'll be working with about what might be expected of us, or reviewing whatever skills we might need. And we prepare for love by learning how to love ourselves in solitude alone.
We learn to understand ourselves, to heal our own pain, and to care for ourselves. We acquire skills like compassion, empathy, and patience. Rule one. This prepares us to share love because we'll need these qualities when we love someone else. We will also examine our past relationships to avoid making the same mistakes in relationships going forward. Rule two. The second Ushram practicing love. The second Ushram Grahasta is when we extend our love to others while still loving ourselves.
The three chapters in this stage explain how to understand, appreciate, and cooperate with another mind another set of values and preferences. We tend to oversimplify love, thinking of it as just chemistry and compatibility. Romance and attraction are indeed the initial connection points, but I define the deepest love as when you like someone's personality, respect their values, and help them
toward their goals in a long term, committed relationship. You may feel this way about your friends, and I hope you do, But I'm talking about maintaining these qualities when you live with someone, see them every single day, and are at their side for their greatest joys, biggest disappointments,
and all the mundanity and intensity of daily life. Ingrahusta, we will examine how to know if you're in love Rule three, how to learn and grow with your partner, Rule four, and how to set priorities and manage personal time and space in your relationship Rule five. The Third Ushram protecting Love Varna Presta. The third Ushram is a
healing place where we retreat to seek peace. We find ourselves here either after a breakup, a loss, or when family life has downshifted to require less of our attention. After learning to give love to others in Grahasta and giving so much, this is an interlude where we reflect on the experience of loving others, discover what might block our ability to love, and work on forgiveness and healing. In Varna Presta, we learn how to resolve conflict so
we can protect our love Rule six. We also protect ourselves and our ability to love by learning when to break up and how to deal with it if we do. Rule seven. The fourth ashram perfecting love. The fourth ashram Senias is the epitome of love when we're extending our love to every person and every moment of our life. In this stage, our love becomes boundless. We realize we can experience love at any time with anyone. We learn how to love again and again rulate. We strive for
this perfection, but we never achieve it. Many of us pass through these four ashrams without learning the lessons they present. In the first ashram, we resist being alone and miss out on the growth that solitude offers. In the second, we avoid lessons that come from the challenges that accompany any relationship. In the third, we don't take responsibility for our healing. And the fourth, loving everyone is something we never even consider because we have no idea it's possible.
This book follows the order of these ushrams, which essentially follow the cycle of relationships, from preparing for love to practicing love, to protecting love to perfecting love. Thinking about these four ushrams, I narrowed them down to the eight rules we need to learn and qualities we need to develop, to move from one ushram to the next. Two rules to prepare for love, three rules to practice love, two rules to protect love, and one rule to strive toward
perfect love. Eight timeless universal rules. These rules are cumulative. They build on one another. I intend for you to approach them in this order, but they're meant to serve us at any age and stage of a relationship. Some of them are counterintuitive. I talk about solitude as the beginning of love. I tell you that you must put your purpose before your partners. I explain that your partner is your guru. These are new approaches to love that will guide you in how to improve your chances at
finding love. What to look for on your first date, what to do if you have a type, how to present yourself, when to say I love you, when to make a commitment, how to handle conflict, how to manage a household, and when to call it quits. Each of these rules helps you develop a mindset for love. Whether you're single, in a relationship, or breaking up. You can practice solitude in a relationship. You can reframe your approach to conflict no matter what your situation. These rules coming
to play in all life scenarios. This book isn't a collection of manipulative techniques. I won't give you pickup lines to grab people's attention. I won't tell you how to make yourself into the person they want you to be, or how to make them into who you want them to be. This is about embracing your preferences and proclivities so you don't waste time on people who aren't good for you. It's about learning how to display your values,
not how to advertise yourself. It's about letting go of any anger, greed, ego, self doubt and confusion that clouds your heart and interferes with your ability to love. Along the way, I will give you techniques to help you work through loneliness, let go of expectations, nurture intimacy, and heal from heartbreak. When I decided to ask Radi to marry me, I set out to arrange the best, most romantic proposal of all time. I ask a friend about
engagement rings and bought her a classic diamond ring. Then, on a beautiful spring evening in twenty fourteen, I suggested to her that we meet near London Bridge to take a walk down the bank of the Thames we were living in London at the time. I told her we were going to a nice place for dinner, knowing she would dress appropriately for the night I had planned. Just as we passed an idyllic spot with one of the best views in the city, a man suddenly appeared and
gave her a huge bouquet. As she was marveling over the flowers, an a cappella group burst out of nowhere and joined the bouquet bearing man to sing the Bruno Mars song Marry You. I got down on one knee and proposed to her. She cried. I cried too. After she said yes, A vegan meal was delivered and we sat down to eat at the table I'd set up on the bank of the Thames. She thought that was the end of the fanfare and we got up to head home. But as we rounded the corner there was
a white horse drawn carriage. We climbed aboard and it carried us through the city, passing all the major sites. She was shouting out, I'm engaged, and passes by cheered for us. Finally, we went to share our good news with her parents, but on the way there, red spots appeared all over Ddy's face. By the time we arrived at her parents, she was covered in hives, and their first words to us weren't congratulations, but what's wrong with your face? That was the day we discovered she's allergic
to horses. I thought I had choreographed the perfect proposal, but as time passed, it occurred to me that all my ideas had come from Disney movies and viral proposal videos. Does Radie actually enjoy a cappella music, sure, but she isn't integrand gestures. Does she have an attachment to the Thames or riding through London? Not really? Clearly, Being near horses and covered in hives isn't her dream date, And it turns out diamonds aren't her gemstone of choice. What
does Radie really care about? She loves food, and while I'd arranged for a vegan restaurant to deliver food to us at the river, it arrived cold and bland. The one detail she would have appreciated the most was the one I planned the least, and its execution was the worst. Also, Radi adores her family, and if I'd been considering that, I might have planned for them to jump out of the bushes to surprise us instead of the singers. She would have loved that we had fun and I lucked out.
Radie said yes and never complained about any of it. But my proposal wasn't particularly personal. Throughout my life, I'd seen love presented through over the top romantic gestures, and I thought that was the only way to show how I felt. The hives were a gentle hint that I didn't know what I was doing, that I should think about the person standing in front of me instead of the images of fairytale love that constantly bombard us. For my whole life, I'd been surrounded by stories that told
me how love should play out. We all are, and most of us unconsciously gravitate in love and all things to a conventional path. In heterosexual relationships, men still do most of the proposing on the wedding site the knot Ninety seven percent of proposal stories are of grooms to be popping the question. Eight percent of brides receive a diamond engagement ring. According to a survey in Bride's magazine, More than eighty percent of brides were white, and seventy
six percent of women take their husband's last name. The nuclear family is still the most common family structure in the US, with only one in five Americans living in a household with two or more adult generations under one roof,
roughly the same percentage as in nineteen fifty. Seventy two percent of Americans live in or near the city where they grew up, and even though the number of people who say they'd like a non exclusive partnership has risen, only about four to five percent of Americans are actually in a consensual, non monogamous relationship. The storybook version of love I displayed for RADI wasn't the love that would sustain our relationship. Fairy tales, films, and myths don't tell
us how to practice love every day. That requires learning what love means for the two of us as individuals, and un learning what we thought it meant. That's why I'm sharing my imperfect story. I don't know everything, and I don't have everything figured out. Radie has taught me so much about love, and I continue to learn with her. I'm sharing all this book's advice with you, knowing how much I could have used it myself and will use it in the future. Love is not about staging the
perfect proposal or creating a perfect relationship. It's about learning to navigate the imperfections that are intrinsic to ourselves, our partners, and life itself. I hope this book helps you do just that. Thank you so much for listening to my introduction to my new book, Eight Rules of Love. I really hope you enjoyed it, and if you did, make sure you go and order and buy my new book on audiobook or physical copy whatever's good for you from eight Rules of Love dot com. Thank you so much.