3 Ways to Build Inner Confidence & Learn to Trust Yourself Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others

to help soothe my nervous system. I've actually been working with Calm for a couple of years now, and I'd love for you to check out my series on reducing overwhelm eight short practices Quick Relief. Right now, listeners of On Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to Calm Premium at Calm dot com. Forward slash j that's c LM dot com. Forward slash Jay for forty percent off. Calm Your Mind, Change Your Life.

investing in yourself, building yourself. I deeply, deeply appreciate you being a listener, supporter, will wisher of on purpose and know that we are constantly working to make this a better and better experience for you. Thank you for all your reviews that share so much feedback with us. So so grateful. Now, a couple of days ago, it was Valentine's Day and I've done so many episodes at this

point on love and relationships. Of course, I wrote eight Rules of Love, which if you haven't read it already, will help you find, keep, and even let go of love. And one thing I was thinking about was just how so many of us are disenfranchised with these big holiday kind of feels right like this idea of this is the day where you get to show love, this is the day where you honor this person, and we realize, well,

it's a lifetime job, it's an everyday job. It's an every day honor and privilege to be able to be in love and have someone we love. And at the same time, some of us have gone through a breakup just before Valentine's Day. Some of us are single right now and not even sure whether we're going to find the right person or someone who gives us that feeling. And what's really interesting to me is so often how much we get lost in comparison because we're looking at

what are other people doing for Valentine's Day? You know, what's everyone got going on? And what that can often do is it can make us feel insecure, It can make us feel inferior, It can make us feel like we've got something wrong with us. Right. I think there's so many ways to meet people these days, but we all feel disenfranchised, disillusioned, struggling to find that one person that we really want, and no matter the amount of options that we have, I think a lot of us

sit there and go, what's wrong with me? Right? Think about this for a second. When you've gone through a breakup, how many times did the thought cross your mind? Maybe something's wrong with me, Maybe I need to fix something. Maybe if I did this, they would have stayed. Maybe if I didn't do this, they would have stayed, And we get lost in that spiral. Now, let's think about it. If you're single and you see everyone around you in

happy relationships. They've found their person, they've found their one, and you're thinking, again, well, what am I doing wrong? Is there something I could do better? Maybe if I looked better, maybe if I achieved more, Maybe if I did better at work. Maybe if my body looked this way, my face looked this way, maybe then maybe then maybe then. And I'm not saying that all these things don't make us feel better or don't lead to attracting certain people

at least, or whatever it may be. We recognize that even when people end up in relationships, sometimes we sabotage a great relationship because we're thinking, I don't deserve this person. Right, you get someone who quote unquote is out of your league?

What does that even mean? Right? All of these terms that have been built around comparing the way people look, how much money people make, and so even people in relationships can often end up feeling like they don't deserve that person, that they're out the person's league, that the person's out of their league, that the person's not doing well enough career wise, that they're not doing well enough

career wise. And what I've realized from all of this pressure, all of this conversation that goes on inside our mind is that we haven't learned how to build inner confidence. We focus so much on external and outer confidence that we don't really know the pathway to inner confidence. And I think when we think about the word confidence, we think about people with swag, people who walk into a room and they have that energy. People who walk into

that room and they own the space. People who walk into a room and they're able to command the space, command their words. And I want to share with you probably one of my favorite definitions in the dictionary, and it's of confidence. One of the definitions of confidence is a feeling of self assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities. Say that again. Confidence is a feeling of self assurance arising from one's appreciation of

one's own abilities or qualities. Confidence is a feeling of self assurance. It's something you give yourself by appreciating your own abilities and qualities. I want you to make a list right now, as awkward as it is, get a pen and paper out, open up your notes app and genuinely make a list of In one list your abilities and in one list your qualities. Your ability could be something like, I'm really great at cooking, I'm really great

at math, I'm really great at solving problems. I'm really great at analytics, at data presentations, at social media, at podcasting, whatever it may be. And then make a list of your qualities. Kindness, compassionate, love, hardworking, ethical, authentic, Make a list. Make a list, as awkward as it is. And this is the challenge, right. We find it awkward, not only let alone to appreciate our abilities. We find it awkward just to lay them out, just to be honest about them,

just to be conscious about them. And so first I want you to write a list of your abilities, write a list of your qualities. And then I want you to practice some self appreciation. I want you to say, I appreciate that I have X ability. I appreciate my ability to X. I appreciate that I am X. Right,

what is it? I want you to practice that for each line, I appreciate that I'm kind, I appreciate that I am compassionate, I appreciate Because what's really interesting is what we appreciate, appreciate, right, what we appreciate in our life will elevate our life, will continue to grow in our life. Yet what we don't recognize will start to wither or start to wash away, will start to become less and less and less. Right, if you notice there's something in your life, it grows. If you don't notice

something in your life, it does. And I want us to focus on what we want to grow in our lives. Confidence is the belief that I matter, my work matters, and my relationships matter. What's really interesting is that we don't recognize that we matter inherently. The Vaders talk about how there's eight million, four hundred thousand species of life. The human form of life is rare, it's unique, it's powerful. You matter from the moment you're conceived, you matter from

before the moment you're born. But it's so interesting how society has made us believe that we don't matter, and we lose the understanding that we have the ability to influence and impact our own life. I'm not saying circumstances don't matter. I'm not saying environment doesn't matter. Of course it does. But at the same time, choice matters the same times, decisions matter the same times, pivots matter the

same time, making shifts matter. And I think the way we get lost in this world of developing confidence is we forget that confidence is about how you feel about yourself. Outer confidence is how you appear to the world, and inner confidence is what you go to sleep with and wake up with. What is that thought that you go to sleep with about yourself? What is that thought you wake up with about yourself? That is what inner confidence is. And we all know that that's the most intimate, most

personal experience of a thought that we have. And it doesn't matter how many people told you you looked amazing, that you did amazing. We all know at whatever level that is, it doesn't fill our cup. It makes us feel great. Don't get me wrong. I love it when someone compliments an outfit. I love it when someone says to me that they appreciated something in my external confidence, in my outer confidence. But I know that it means so much more when they notice my inner confidence and

when I noticed my inner confidence. I was talking to a friend about this recently. I was saying just how important it is for me to value myself. And I'll explain what I mean by this. The truth is that you have done hard things. You right now, you who's listening, have done uncomfortable, difficult things. And no matter how much you tell your friends, no matter how much you tell your family, no matter how much you tell anyone, and you should tell them, the only person who can really

understand what you've been through is you. You are the only person who can truly comprehend, and the source you, and the source, the divine, the universe, those are the only aspects of you that can truly comprehend and understand what you've been through, to empathize, to be compassionate towards So when we even want it for someone else, it will actually always be incomplete, It will always be limited,

it will always be imperfect. And today so much of our confidence is based on what others see is important. And so you could have done the most difficult thing, but because other people don't see it as important or difficult, you lose value for it. We lose value for things people don't value, but that might be the most valuable part of us, right, We lose value for things people don't value, not realizing that could be the most valuable

part of us. Like I'll give you an example. You may value honesty, but if someone doesn't value honesty, we start to dis connect with our own values. When we were at school, it was the shoes the cool kids wore, the new lunch box. Today it's social media. So I want to share with you some mindsets of someone who's focused on inner confidence versus outer confidence to help give you a checklist of how to make that switch. So whenever you're expering the external outer confidence mindset, I want

you to bring it back to inner confidence. So listen to this. This is the first one. Inner confidence means being okay with liking things that others don't, and external outer confidence is liking things that other people like right only for the of what they said. So right now we're talking about Oscars movies. Are you someone who likes Oscars movies? Are you not? Some of you may love Oscars movies, some of you don't like them at all,

but you're scared to say it. I remember going to an event and it was with a bunch of indie filmmakers who really understand film way better than I do, and they were like, what was your favorite movie of the year, And I was like, thor Ragnarok was amazing, And you know, for them, it was like they were naming movies that had never even heard of before, and I remember the first time I did that, I felt kind of silly because I was like, oh, yeah, I'm

a Marvel junkie. I love Marvel, and I love the messages in Marvel and everything else, and they had a different taste. But I've realized that that is who I am. I've got that movie taste, and that's okay. And actually I appreciated that because it is something that I enjoy. And at the same time, I don't want to become opposed to trying out new forms and new movies and

TV shows that I don't know about. Right, I think what happens is we find what we like, then we put our walls up and barriers up, and now we think that's how we protect what we like. And actually we're devaluing what we like, but not opening up our visual library, our audio library. Right. I talk about this a lot, like I feel like growing up, I didn't have access to a wide audio library, or a wide

audio history or an audio geography. And that's been something I've really been trying to do as I've been growing older, is listening to music from different genres, different places. I bought a record the other day which was Brazilian jazz, which I've been loving right and just allowing myself to be open to music genres and types that I didn't grow up with. I couldn't be more excited to share something truly special with all you tea lovers out there.

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to trying to like things that they do. One of the biggest ones for most guys, and I'll call this out, is the amount of people that agree to be in love with the Godfather. I'm going to put it out there right now. I don't think I've ever watched any of them in full, and I know there's going to be a lot of hate and people are going to be like, Jay, have you not watched it? But I know a lot of people who just say they've watched it.

In order to fit in, right, we say so many things to fit in, and it's weird because we're trying to stand out in our careers. Trying to stand out in our world. And the people who built things that we love, they built them because they lived authentically to themselves. Now, what's really going on. The reason why we want to fit in is not abnormal. It's because it gives us a sense of belonging. It gives us a sense of community.

But when we try and find belonging on such superficial levels, it actually doesn't give us a strong sense of belonging. Belonging is on a value level, on a deep level, not on a like some personality level. Now, the second part of building in a confidence is noticing your own strengths versus outer confidence, which is waiting for others to notice your strengths. We started with this. I want you

to start noticing your own strengths and demonstrating them. I remember when I came back from the monastery, I was rejected by forty companies before an interview, and that was hard on my ego because I was a straight A student. I got a first class honors degree and it just wasn't working out. And I remember at that time, I was just like, why can't someone see that I can do this? And I realized instead of trying to get people to see my talent. I had to find ways

to sh show my talent. I had to find ways to demonstrate my talent. I had to find ways of expressing who I was creatively without expecting someone to see it first. And I think a lot of us can wish and wait and hope for someone to notice us, but we have to notice our strengths first and showcase them. The third step, this is probably the biggest one because it's the hardest one, is giving self validation versus needing

external validation. How many of us do things because we want someone else to say something to us, and how many of us do things because we're trying to say something to ourselves. Self validation has been one of the greatest skills and mindsets that I've built up. It is a muscle that you can build. And the reason why it's so hard is because we're so wired to think a lot of it comes from parenting. We did something good in our parents, so that was great, well done,

and we're like trying to chase that. Or we did something good in our parents, didn't notice it, and now we want someone to notice it, so there's that need for external validation. We've been taught to believe that someone says something good about us, then that almost makes us more valuable, because we've seen that be rewarded in society. If more people notice you're great, then you generally do better.

But what I've realized is that the people who follow that path, it doesn't lead to satisfaction because when you're looking in that way, often people will never do that. It doesn't come back that way, and then you feel discouraged from actually doing the act in the process, or you do it, you get the praise, and then after that you're chasing the praise rather than chasing the creativity or the progress. I remember a long time ago when a group of people who ridiculed me were then celebrating me.

And in that moment, I was around twenty when it happened, and I realized how thickly it was, how quick someone who could criticize me could celebrate me. And I said to myself, I don't want to do this to be celebrated or be hurt by the criticism, right. I don't want to do this so that I can experience the celebration. I want to do this because I experience and love the process and That's why validation also leads to this point of celebrating your own success versus waiting for others

to celebrate you. We may want our partners to throw us a party, we may be sad that our work colleagues didn't throw us one, But are we celebrating ourselves in the way that we value? Are we throwing the party of our dreams because we are the only ones who know how to do that. I would really learned to develop this ability when I feel like I've achieved something to close my eyes and really take it in. I found that the more I achieved, the more people

around me became immune to my achievement. So in the beginning there was doubt and confusion as to whether I'd ever achieve anything. Then after some time there was a little bit of celebration. After the celebration, it became so normal and the achievement was normalized, whereby people went back

to being disinterested. And so what's really interesting about that is either way, you end up in a position in your life where people don't have the ability to celebrate you continuously because you either have made certain success as a habit, or they forget or they get busy and a lot of the times we think, oh, people don't recognize me, and people don't celebrate me, and they don't

recognize my value. And the truth is it's coming from a deep seated feeling of we don't recognize it our own, we don't celebrate our own, we didn't take that moment. So one of my favorite things to do now when I have an achievement, even if I celebrate it with my amazing team and my wife, is to take a

moment alone. I'll sit alone in stillness and silence, or close my eyes and I'll just take a moment to honor myself, to honor myself for the challenges that I broke through, to honor myself, for the skills that I developed, to honor myself for the risks that I took. Just taking a moment to truly honor yourself, I promise you just try to do that this week. Do it for small things. I think we often also inner confidences. I value and I'm making progress outer confidences. I'm waiting for

perfection right inner confidences. I'm trying to make progress out of confidences. I'm waiting for perfection inner confidences. Choose your thoughts wisely, whereas outter confidence is listen to everyone else. I was talking to a friend who felt the pressure to change his career because he told his friends he was about to change it. So he told his friends

he was going to change his career. He didn't end up changing his career, so his friends were making fun of him, and then he was like, well, maybe I have to change my career just so that they don't make fun of me. And I was just like, the only person we're letting down in that situation as ourselves. And often what happens is if we spend too much

time with certain people, their noise becomes our voice. So inner confidence says, let me really decide what matters to me, because guess what, I'm the one who has to live with the consequences. If you choose a job based on what other people think, they're not the ones who have to wake up and go to that job you are. If you choose a partner based on what other people think, they're not the person who has to wake up next

to that partner you are. If you choose a lifestyle because of what other people think, they're not the ones who have to live up to the consequences you are. You're the one who is living the challenges, the consequences and the reality of your choices, not the people around you. And so if you're not going to be happy with the consequences, don't take that risk. Don't make that decision. Inner confidence is about comparing yourself to who you want

to be, versus comparing yourself to others. There's a great speech if you haven't heard it, by Matthew McConaughey when he won the Oscar for Dallas Buyers Club where he says that his hero is him ten years from now, someone he's chasing, someoney is aspiring to be. And I love that idea because he's comparing himself to who he wants to be. He knows what he can be in ten years. Tell me if it's true or not. The person you are today is miles ahead of the person

who were five years ago. The person you are today is male's head of the person you were ten years ago, which means the person you're going to be in five years is incredible. Make that person you're idol, make that person you're chasing, because, as Matthew McConaughey says, you never reach them, and you'll never be mad at them because they you. Whereas if we're comparing ourselves to others, we'll always feel late, we'll always feel behind, will always feel slow. Right,

we have to move at our pace. We have to find our pace. We don't want to feel like we're moving slow, we're behind what whatever else it may be, there's a challenge with trust here. Inner confidence is about trusting yourself. Out of confidence is about trusting everyone else. A lot of us crowdsource our biggest decisions in life. Is he right for me? Do you think I should wear this? Do you think I should do this job? Again?

It's always good to ask for help, always important to ask for help, and I'll talk about that in a second. But the challenge we have is we often don't trust our intuition. Rather, he's been talking about this a lot to me recently, this idea that our body and mind and our heart and our spirit can really connect with us if we check in with them. Right. Your body does certain things to tell you that it's not well, Like if you have a stomach ache, you know it's

because of something you ate. If your foot's hitting it's because you sprained your ankle. Right, there's your body's actually communicating with you, and we don't see it as that. We see it as like, oh God, I hate the wrong thing, I'm in pain. But actually your body's talking to you. And often we don't trust that we actually have the ability to listen to our mind, our heart, or intuition our body in order to be guided. Yet we listen to people outside of ourselves to make very personal,

deep decisions. Inner confidence is about wanting to be better versus wanting to be seen as better, which is out to confidence. Right out to confidence is I want to be seen as better. Inner confidences I want to be better. How much are we trying to improve ourselves? How much are we trying to grow ourselves? And let's shift into that rather than we'll everone notice that I've grown. Even if they don't notice, I'm noticing, I'm experiencing. I'm the

one living with this body and mind. Inner confidence means I ask for help, versus out to confidence means I appear to never need support. This is a huge one. Giving yourself permission to reach out and ask for help. I remember when I first started coaching and teaching and guiding. I used to be scared of asking for help because I thought I had to be perfect. You're not realizing that actually I would grow more, learn more, be better if I would ask for help, if I was able

to serve and support. And so I've realized that outer confidence blocks you from actually seeking out help and the other things true too. Inner confidence is you want to help others grow out to confidence as you keep others down to make yourself look bigger. So notice, the goal is to notice when you have these We all have them, these mindsets. We want to become aware. We want to amend, and we want to take action on the new mindset. We want to slow down our action on the old mindset,

increase it on the new mindset. Thank you so much to listening to today's workshop. I hope it's helped you. I hope you take away one thing from this session, and thank you so much for listening to on Purpose. I'll see you soon and let's keep becoming happier, healthier, and more healed together. If you love this episode, you will also love my interview with Kendall Jenna on setting boundaries to increase happiness and healing. You're inner child.