¶ Intro
Mental health is now talked about more than ever, which is awesome. I mean, I don't have to tell you that it's a primary focus of on Purpose, but on a day to day basis, many people don't know where to turn or which tools can help. Over the past couple of years, I've been working with Calm to make mental wellness accessible and enjoyable, or as I like to say, fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to help you reduce anxiety and stress, build mindful habits, improve sleep,
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Change your Life. Everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose. It's your host, Jay Shetty. I'm so excited because today we're going to do something a little different. I'm going to share with your conversation that I recently had where I was being interviewed that I think you're gonna love it was with the U Up Podcast. And if you're someone who's been struggling with dating, this episode's for you. If you've been struggling with an ick, this episode's for you.
And if there's a friend in your life that you know would really appreciate some greater insights on dating and relationships, this episode's for them. I hope you enjoy it.
The number one health and wellness.
Podcast, Jay Shetty, Jay Shetty, only she.
We love a special.
Guest, very special guest. One of our most popular episodes of last year.
Yeah, if not the most, the beloved we should. So that's how I'm gonna refer to you. It the beloved Jay Shetty. Thank you for coming back on the show.
Thank you so much for having me back. We had so much fun last time, so I'm looking forward to this.
So much fun. It's great to have you. I you know, we are in awe of you and your success. I think that that that's something we we and I you came in the first time, and I don't want to be the guy. I don't want to you know, I'm a cynic on everything.
Yeah, and if.
That's the thing I go, I like, well, yeah, I walked away. And but you come at things in ways that I wouldn't come at them. I come at with like I'm the gremlin hater.
The the like I would say, like the more like cynical male point of view.
Right, And I sometimes I hear some of the you know, you're such a calming, positive influence that like you can tell people are just happy to have you in their lives, right,
¶ Calming Positive Influence to Others
Is that what it is? You think they're just happy that like you, Like you're the friend they'd go to when they're hungover, and you'd be like, it's gonna be fine, this is gonna wear off.
We're gonna have some bacon, egg and cheeses. You'll be good.
I mean talking about that. I remember being the sober friend. Early on. I was in Spain with some of my friends and everyone was completely hammered apart from me. This is when I'd chosen to start my you know, stopping drinking alcohol. When I was going out and all of my friends, I was trying to tell them that some bad stuff was going on and that we should leave this club. That we were at and they were like, you're the worst friend ever having the best time.
You're ruining it. So I'm actually used to be in that friend when.
Everyone else you're ruining the part.
I'm ruining the party because I'm trying to protect everyone from themselves.
So you don't drink.
¶ The Competitive Aspect of Drinking Games
No, I haven't. I haven't drunk for years now.
Yeah, it's how many years.
I think it would be fifteen years now, right?
It was? It not a big part of your life before.
It was a part of my life in the sense of I love drinking games. I love the competitive aspect of drinking being out. Ring a fire was something we played a ton of when.
We were ring a fire.
So in London, I guess everyone starts drinking quite early too, so we started like fourteen, and so the guys would get together we'd play this game called ring a Fire where you have this big pitcher in the middle that's left in the middle. You all get a glass of beer each. As far as I remember this, the picture in the middle is surrounded by cards playing cards laid
face down, and every card has a different meaning. So when you pick up the card, you have to do a certain action and the last person to do it has to drink, or the card tells you that you have to drink first, or you have to tell a joke and if someone doesn't laugh, then you have to drink. Like, there's all these sounds really fun. It's so good, and
then and then every time you keep drinking more. And my favorite one was there's one where like the more fingers you can hold towards someone's glass of beer, the more SIPs that they have to take, and things like that. So it's a super fun competitive game. And I'm probably explaining it badly and Google probably do a better job.
You will play the game without drinking, do you know what I've.
Thought about that.
I've really thought about how we could make that fun. But I think it was partly the fact that you get delirious after, you know.
Just sixs.
I've never heard someone be like I was in it for the game.
Yeah, you know, like if they're an AA, I mean.
I can see that you kind of want to participate away, right, I played. I played Flip Water with many of my pregnant friends. Yeah, it's it's almost as fun.
That's a good way to put it.
I just love I love sports. I love competition.
I love Yeah, I love games.
I love it. Well, you know, everyone go listen to Jay's podcast on Purpose. It's out. What you have the guest list is something that you can't not acknowledge. Who's
¶ The Difficulty of Booking Guests for New Podcasts
the guest that you were like, what's I can't believe this?
Oh that's a great question. I'm glad.
I'm glad you're getting into this as well. I'd love to hear your thoughts as well and who you felt that, because it's I feel that.
Was our He's coming back.
What Okay, that's such a great time, I think.
So I want to acknowledge that, you know, when you launch a podcasts and you guys know this. When I launched, when I was coming up with the idea, it was so hard to book anyone because people have never heard of it. There was no stats, there's no data. You're trying to get someone to understand that you're going to create this safe space and people don't get it. And so I remember that day, which was five years ago.
Now the podcast is five years old, but I want to acknowledge the first guest that made me feel that way was when Kobe Bryant came on in twenty nineteen, and that was the first year the podcast had come out. His team had reached out because his team loved what we were doing on the show and they wanted Kobe and I to connect.
And me, his team reaches out explain that, so like Joe Ohio, who's sitting in their car, So this is like his on their way to not a team.
Everyone who's in his life, so whether it's his assistant, whether it's a publicist, whether it's a different people who had a role in his creative company that he had so employees, team members, and they'd mentioned to him that they thought it would be cool for us to connect. And so when they reached out, that to me was huge and to have that in year one, that was a huge honor that year that he decided to do that, So that was pretty well be amazing.
It's a little bit like Domino was, like, you know, Kobe did it, he felt safe absolutely, you know, then everyone, oh, oh, I've cobbsolutely. It's a little bit like that.
Yeah, So I've got to give him a lot of credit for that opportunity.
¶ Preparing for Important Guests
And since then, you've had everyone from like Kendall Jenner to Michelle Obama, which is you know, you must just be like.
I all you get to speak to I'm pinching myself all the time. I'm feeling really, really nervous walking into those rooms and while I'm preparing, and I'm feeling, you know, every bit of imposter syndrome that you possibly can when you're doing this. So, yeah, I feel super grateful every day. And yeah, it's been amazing. I mean, Kendall, was you spoke about Kendall. I think that was a really important
one in our journey of the show. She came on at a time when her episode just brought so many new listeners to our universe, and I always always thank her for that because it was amazing that people are like, oh, we haven't really heard her speak that much and not for that long, and and you know, I think what she shared was so powerful and insightful, Like that clip's gone viral like a million times of her talking about how she thinks about her youngest and she has a
picture of herself at the mirror. Yeah, and some practice that she'd done with her therapist. And so I think, you know, I'm really grateful to everyone who trusts me and trusts our space and comes on because it takes a lot for that person, and I want to acknowledge that it's never easy to open your heart and open your mind in that way. And so, yeah, each of those people that you've mentioned have have made massive shifts. Kevin Hart came on and that was, you know, so much fun.
Again.
He had this amazing audiobook, which people don't know Kevin Hart for audiobooks, but his audiobook is amazing. It's called Monsters, and he talks about all the monsters that we deal with inside of our mind. So it's philosophical and comedic and he's obviously reading it and it's hilarious, and you know, being able to dive into him from the perspective of monsters and the monsters he has inside of him, it was,
you know, it's a spectacular conversation. So I think, yeah, all of these guests have made it easy for me, and I'm really grateful.
¶ Every Show Has a Unique Offering
What do you think it is about your show that like these people again, like Kendall Jenner doesn't do it. These aren't people aren't doing interviews constantly. What do you think it is about your show that just makes them want to do your show?
I think that all podcasts have a really unique offering, right, Like I think people go on a podcast. When I came on yours for the first time, is because from what i'd seen and from what I was hearing from my team, everyone's like, Jay, they're going to get into stuff that no one else is going to ask you, Right, this podcast is going to ask you questions when you were talking about being cynical. My team had already said that that there's going to be a version. Oh my
team is my you know my podcast? Yeah, yeah, my podcast producer who is a huge fan of the show, and she's like, I think you're going to get asked questions that you wouldn't get asked anywhere else. And so that's exciting for me because I also don't want to have the same conversation. I want to have different conversation.
That's why I came here. And so I think people coming on purpose because they know that there's going to be a safe space to explore depths of themselves that maybe isn't right on other platforms, And so I'm hoping we've created a space where people can talk about their challenges, their flaws, their imperfections, the stresses of life, the perplexities they've had with childhood trauma, their personal mental health journeys in a way that is relevant, accessible and practical.
I like the perspective, and that's that's usually where I come to with everything I hear from you. It's like, I like the road you took because I'm looking at that and I go, like you You're like, basically, oh, this show could open a door in my brain that I don't mind opening, but I didn't even know was
there before exactly. I have that with like, you know, if someone comes up to me and it's like, I have a note for you for a joke I heard you do, would you and it's it could be anybody, and I'm like, sometimes it's like an old dad who's gonna tell me a borsch belt joke and I'm gonna have to, like, you know, he's gonna like be exhausting. But sometimes some I won't say something I don't even know what it's going to lead to me thinking, or
a story that I've never thought of. So you know, I understand that where you're like, oh, I'm up for the game of okay, where will this go? But I know it's going to be safe in a little.
Bit totally in every podcast I think placed to that, right, Like, if you want to show a certain part of your personality, I think there's so many podcasts to do that differently on and so we're just trying to cater to this side to that.
To that point, I have a question that's okay, what
¶ How Do You Express Anger and Hate?
do you hate?
You had a bad day?
Yeah, I want I want to hear cynical, Jay, shitty? I want to I want miserable, horrible day?
Who hate?
What do you hate? What's the last time?
On the list of approved questions, well, I want.
To, like, I want that, Jay, and I listen because it's within us all But was there a moment? Is there? When's the last time?
Do you get triggered?
Yeah?
So I'll give it a background because I'm not I'm not a very monk way to go, I get it, No,
So I'll give a bit of background. So anger and hatred have generally not been a part of my psychological approach because I saw a lot of it growing up, and so I made notes growing up going I won't demonstrate anger in that way, I won't express hatred growing up, So in my own homes, sow in my schools, saw it in my extended family, Like I saw it very very up close, in a very extreme form, and I made a pact with myself that anger was not something that I was going to play with because I saw
the ramifications it had with other people.
Do you think you.
Can do that with anger? Like there's people out there that I'm sure like I get angry. I would love to say, you don't get angry and go I guess I'm never angry anymore. Like I think an anger is an anger like a sneeze or is it like a car?
Yeah.
No, I'm not saying getting angry is bad, and I'm not saying that we shouldn't get angry, and it's not a natural emotion. I think it's an emotion that I kind of negotiated with very early on because I saw what it did, at least in the world that I grew up in.
I've had bad days, so that, thank god.
Let's not express them in probably these.
I think if there's anything that does trigger me and does upset me, and which is funny because what I'm about to say is me breaking my own rule, but it upsets me when we don't give others the benefit of the doubt. So when I see people not giving other people the benefit of the doubt or giving them space.
It triggers me.
But the funny thing is that means I'm not giving that person the benefit of the doubt. So then I great, like you know, and that's what happens. And so of course I'm a human. I get triggered, I get upset, I have a bad day. I think the biggest thing for me when I'm having a bad day is probably when I feel that someone in my life is being unnecessarily targeted in their own life, dealing with pain, dealing with stress, dealing with pressure, some pains coming at them
that they don't deserve that I don't understand. And so that kind of stuff.
Do you of a time where someone in your life
¶ Did You Ever Felt Wrongfully Targeted?
was you felt wrongfully targeted? Or yourself or yourself? Do
you read things about yourself? Do you see things and you go and you and because I listen, we were all on yeah, and we know and what we have to do constantly and again we have to like the thing that is I think it's the worst podcast topic, and we do it all the time because it's it's it's it's like catnip, it's it's it's it's right there for you to do is responding to feedback when ninety nine percent of it, Like Jay, I'm sure you get messages you've changed my life you and it's and you
probably get messages that are like I've gotten messages that bring you to tears. You go, oh my god, this was me talking about my farts. It's not supposed to make you feel better about a death in your family. And you get those messages and you probably get ninety nine percent of those, and then you get the one and you're like, you just want to like grab them and go again. Benefit of the doubt? How did you come to this such hateful space from when my goal was positive?
How do you take yourself out of it?
And I think, don't you feel though? And I will talk about it, but don't you feel though that over time you've just become you've recognized that it's part of the job. Like you've accepted that it's part of the job. So like, for example, let's take Michelle Obama. We did this interview with Michelle Obama, which was huge moment for Yeah,
huge moment for me. So grateful, Like you said, ninety nine percent of the comments, so like this is interviews, right, incredible and everything, And then at the same time you have a lot of people going like why would you sit down with her because of their political beliefs, or like Jay, you sold out, or you know, why would
you do this? And what I've found is that, again me giving that person the benefit of the doubt, that often that remark is based on something historical far before me, right, and has pretty much very little to do with me, and an expectation of me that I'll never live up to in that I'm always going to do things that's gonna set someone and I've I've kind of come to
terms with that. And on the other side, I found that if you actually look at the comment section of people who actually watched the video yeah, the comment section is completely different, Like people have actually watched the interview, listen to the words yeah instead of the thirty second clip or whatever it may be. If they watched the YouTube version, you're seeing like completely transform people, even people saying I don't agree with the politics, but this interview helped me with this.
This this it annoys me that they have to say that, Like it annoys me that you know, the person they always that person well I Usually it's like, oh, you must be an expert now because you were able to see beyond your own initial thoughts on someone. How could someone like I anyway?
¶ Did You Ever Block Anyone?
Yeah, so yes I would. Yes, my stars are just like us. Yeah.
My personal rule is I'm happy for someone to leave any honest opinion of theirs, as long as they're still following me. But if someone unfolds me and wants to leave a comment, then and it's hate and that's a comment, So I think that's.
Feedback from anyone who doesn't.
I'll take the feedback.
But I feel like if you're saying, Jay, I've had it with you, I'm unfollowing, and then you've unfollowed and you've left other heightful comments to me, then it's like, well, we're not in the same community and they were in the same space. But if someone's following me and they want to leave lots of comments that tell me feedback or things they don't like, I will leave it up there because I still consider them a part of our community.
I haven't left the conversation, right.
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I kind of think of social media as my party. Yes, and if you come in and well, I block people, even if third because it's Tuesday, right, I randomly go through.
I like this analogy with the party. I have a similar one with the house.
Well. I think of it as like, this is my party. The music's playing. You have walked in. There are people here dancing. I don't care how many. I don't care, but people are happy to be here. And you came in and go I hate this music. Let me lead you to the door. We're going to keep the music playing, but you got to leave. You don't want to be here. It's okay, goodbye.
So I'm okay with someone being at the putt and saying I don't like the music. They can stay. But it's the person who goes all right, I don't like the music. I'm leaving. But then they still want to have their opinion being.
Through the window.
Right.
This is a dating podcast. You've written a dating book, Eight Rules of Love, which was great. I read it amazing. If you guys haven't read it yet from our last episode, you should check it out now anywhere books are sold, I assume. But what you so, you've done a lot of research on love, you wrote a whole book about it.
¶ What are the Biggest Mistakes About Dating Today?
What do you think if you look at like the dating landscape now, what do you think is like the biggest issue? Because there's a lot of people who are, I feel like, very frustrated with it, and I mean from from from emails a lot of women. What do you feel like is the is the biggest mistake people are making when they're dating.
I think the biggest mistake people are making when they're dating right now is that their list of ix and turnoffs are so long and so wide and so far arranging that you may miss out on an incredible human being because they wear jewelry and you know, and you know, drink their.
With a straw, right like whatever it is like?
And I started following this really funny TikTok account called I think it's called guy with the list and what he does, and I don't even know what he looks like because he actually never I don't think he's posted himself or her or them whoever runs it. And what they do is they help play all these found clips of people all over the Internet saying their biggest ick and turnoff. And then he'll add to his list and his list is at like six hundred now with all
these ridiculous things and so. And I know it's a bit tongue in cheek and it's a bit funny, but I do think it is that, like we get turned off so quickly by things that are not actually important.
In a relationship.
Like I always ask people like does this make someone inept at being a good partner or is it just something that you don't like about them? Right? Is it a preference? And I think that that preference versus priority conversation is huge.
Well that's like, you know, I mean not to go to plug City. But on my Netflix special, the opening bit is about how I'm on the dating apps and you get in front of it. The dating apps offer you a menu at a restaurant and you're looking at it and you're going, well, I'm not that type of person. It's not even allowing you to smell the person, be around the person, and you say, I'm not going to data Darlene and then if you met a Darlene in
a bar that you got along with, you'd probably datea Darlene. Like, yes, I think the eck is a lot of time.
Just excuse to not be vulnerable to you know, to say no.
It's easier to say no and not do the thing than it is to go into it and go, well, I saw, and then you'd blame yourself once it didn't work out. You go, you should have known they drink macha through a straw, you know, like it's easier to do that you beat yourself up. I think that might be kind of the nature of like we don't We're the Google generation. This is what we do. We look up the place before we go. We don't walk somewhere and we unless we Google map even though we've walked there.
Like well, it's kind of like.
It seems like the issue is almost like there's too many options right where you have dating two hundred years ago, you're in an arranged marriage. Probably you're just set up and like that doesn't seem great, right, But now it's like if you live in a city like New York City, there's a million people, maybe then you probably are in the that you could possibly date, And so you're like, well, I don't because there's a million people here and there's
an app that shows me people constantly. Why would I settle for someone who drinks macho lattes through a straw when there's just another great person out there that I could could have. And so I think it'd be great to almost go back to that happy medium where maybe you had ten choices, not none, not one.
But yeah, yeah, I mean you're speaking about something in psychology which is known as the paradox of choice, right, this idea that humans actually make worse choices the more choices and options that they have, And this is one of the biggest reasons why we are struggling in dating or whether the products that we purchase or whatever it may be. But yeah, I think the key is, and I like what you're saying, the balance of having enough
of a pool to decide, but not unlimited. And I guess what I'm getting at is someone drinking mucha through a straw doesn't define what kind of partner they are, right, whereas we like the joke that it does, right, maybe that defines them in so many other ways. And so what I'm saying is actually look at what makes someone a good partner and a credible compatible companion for life as opposed to take.
The other side of that though. You know, the thing that we find on this part cast the thing that as me as a single person deals with, when are you okay to be turned off? You know, when do you allow yourself to say this ick is more of augh and this ick is funny starts and funny, but it came from a place of this is not someone I'd need to spend my time. So I'm a detective. I'm looking for clues. When you're out there dating, you're looking for clues too. I want to get to know
that person. So you know, the.
War's jewelry or you know, or you know where you know.
Sits crisscross apple sauce on a on a chair, you go. That's generally, you know, a percentage. You know, I'm playing the percentages now, you know, So it is you know, it's easy for because I see this with the ick stuff online, especially online, you see a lot of men there were there. Their feedback to it is like this is why you're single. And you know you gotta do you know, you gotta look through these things and it's like, well, this person's also allowed to go.
I'm playing the numbers game. Oh what turns me on and off?
And if you do A you'll probably do just B C D and it won't be a match for me.
Right, So that means I mean, if you're playing the odds though, that means you're gonna have to get through a lot of people.
Right, that's that's you need odds to play. Yeah, exact numbers.
Well, how how long have you been with your wife?
We've been together now for it will be eleven years this year, eleven years married for.
Eight this year, and she's basically like your only relationship right.
In my in terms of currently before Like for you, did you have.
Grow Oh yeah I did? Yeah, yeah, oh yeah yeah.
I dated a ton before I became a monk, and then I was a monk, and then since I've left the monastery, my wife's the only person that I've chosen. What's your what's your go to first date? When you
¶ What's Your Go-To First Date Activity?
were dating before? Yeah, back in the day, I mean I was dating in my team. So it's like whatever you could afford, right, Like, maybe you're you're going like ice cream, bowling cinema, I mean going to the movies. Going to the movies was probably the most common date.
Which is a pretty I mean you say this on you know in your book that you know, watching a movie together, watching.
That pom rough like you hate that?
Right?
Yeah?
I was.
I was, Yeah, I was talking about this in an interview, and I think there's there's different responses to it, some funny, some some some mad at me. But it was this idea of I was talking about to so many couples recently, and they were just feeling like they don't feel connected, they don't feel like they're deepening their intimacy, they don't
feel like their relationship is growing. And I was just saying that, hey, if that's how you feel, then if the number one activity you do is watch a show together, but that show is not leading to an interaction, a connection, a sharing of ideas or thoughts or feelings or whatever it may be, then maybe it's because you're not doing other things together. And what I was extending out to people was this idea that I've found even in friendships, right,
this applies to all relationships. They get deeper and better and more intimate and more connected when you're doing other activities together so I encouraged obviously experiences, experiments, getting educated together, learning about something together. When you're growing together, you feel like you're moving in the same direction, even if you're both doing your own entrepreneurial venture where you come back
and share your notes. There's so much more we can get from love and relationships that I think we miss out on and I empathize with it.
¶ Working in the Same Industry with Your Partner
Do you feel like you and your wife because you guys are you're in the same industry. You guys work together, you know.
Yeah, we don't work together like professionally a party, yeah.
But if you look at a great gap ad together.
Oh yes, the project, yeah we did that together.
But it came out great.
If you look at your social media, like, you guys are in the same yes, now we are your peers, you're like colleagues, you know. So is that helpful the relationship?
Do you ever get like is there jealousy in that?
Like?
Where how do you work?
Because working together is great because you're communicating, you have something in common. I would imagine what's the negative negative part of that?
So the number one thing I hear when someone comes up to me is hey, Jay, I love your wife. Right, People literally come up to me and go, yeah, you're all right, but your wife is amazing, and I'm like, I know, I know, like And that's kind of how our life has gone where I make friends with people because I generally am a bit more extroverted, and I'll go make relationships, I'll introduce them to my wife and then I'll never see that friend ever again. And they've
become best friends with my wife. So I'm used to that.
I think you ever hold on I'm staying her up.
But do you ever have to kind of like, look, I have sometimes there's a thing when you put out a lot of stuff into the world, yes, you know your content, you can't people come up to you and they say things to you that feel pointed, like you're okay, but I love your wife, and that does feel It feels like they're trying to nag you a little bit. I can understand.
I feel like they're trying to humble me.
That's what they absolutely and I would feel just get triggered by that, though, no triggering.
I love it. I love my wife she is.
But is that how you deal with it? Do you go, well,
¶ How Practicing Mindfulness Changes Your Mindset
this is a compliment on me because look at me being with this wonderful person that they love. Do you have to do that? Ever? Like in my head, I'll let people come up to me and they'll go, oh, man, I was they were just at my show?
Yeah?
I love the charcoutery stuff you do. I'm like, and now, and then I get mad at the other stuff I put out.
What about what you saw?
That is the exact point of mindfulness training, Like this is exactly this meditate Yeah no, but this is exactly.
This is why.
This is why when we're having this conversation, it's it's so alien to people. And it's not because I was born without anger or hatred or any of these things. The point is that is the point of mindfulness that when I'm hearing that, my circuit board internally is going, I love my wife. I love that someone else loves my wife. This is awesome, right, Like it's brilliant, And
I found that. I think if I wasn't secure in who I am and what I'm doing, I think that would trigger me, right, And I think that's what's really interesting. I don't know if you saw this movie. I think it was on Netflix this year called fair Play.
Yes, a lot of people haven't seen it. Correct. Yeah, So it's.
Based on a couple. It's a it's a movie. This couple are madly in love. He's just proposed, they're about to get married, but they both get put up for the same promotion at work and so now they yeah at a headshant, so they're now competing in an ultra competitive environment for the same job. I'm not going to tell you anymore if you haven't seen it, so I'm
laying it up so that you watch the movie. But the movie does a great job of showing like gender roles, people feeling emasculated, like the challenges that come in the bedroom because of the intimacy, you know, everything else that goes on, and so I recommend watching the movie. But I think a lot of that comes from us feeling irrelevant, insignificant, or unfocused on who we are. And I think when you feel a sense of calm and confidence about what
you are and what you don't. So I do agree that if I didn't know what I was doing for work and I didn't know who I was, then I think that kind of stuff would really trigger me. And so I've constantly tried to work on who I am and who I want to be right.
I think all triggers, like you said, are kind of come from a place of insecurity. But I mean I feel like there's there's a sense of being secure and who you are, but there's certain I mean everyone has some I do you have any insecurity?
¶ How Do You Deal with Insecurities?
Yeah, I mean, I mean, yeah, absolutely, I mean to be totally vulnerable. I think I get you know, insecure. Okay, there's a few things I'll defth straight into it. One of it is I think that some people sometimes when I meet people, again, this is the one percent of the ninety nine, right, we have to say that.
We have to say that.
It is so important to.
Say everyone knows that people mostly love us.
Right, yeah, yeah, exactly.
But like sometimes I'm insecure that when I'm around someone that they're wanting me to say something wise all the time. So I have an insecurity of like God, if I don't say something profound and wise, and in the past, I would really overthink that.
I'm sure you have this for being funny, right, Like you have to be funny.
So if I'm not wise in a room and you're not funny in a room, then we've lost the room, right Like that feeling, So I used to carry this around.
Has turned around now because I so, yeah, you haven't been very funny. I just go, well, good lot, and then I move on from the person. I go, we are not do you have? Do you have? Now? Do you change?
I have? So I had that. I used to carry it that around really heavily, and I.
Used to feel such pressure. Yeah, and I would feel stressed. And then I found I wasn't even present. And then I found I'm not even listening because now I'm trying to say the right thing. And I let go of that, and now I just act like myself. So if I'm tired, I'll be tired. If I'm exhausted, I'll be exhausted. If I'm buzzing, I'll be buzzing. If I'm trying to be funny, if I'm if I'm being in advantest, I'm just gonna be because I'm just so much more comfortable with my own skin now.
I'll say for someone to like, if you're like, hey, what do you do and you're like, well, I do mindfulness, I'm you know, I like to you know I was a monk, and they go, well, I haven't had my life changed yet. Like for someone to react like that is such a piece of guard.
But sometimes people are looking for it too, right, And I think, so that's that's one thing. And then I also get in insecurity or so I've definitely had that and I carried that for a long time. I think that sometimes you have an insecurity of people feeling like
you think you're important. So it's kind of like you'reking room and people assume that you think you're important or that you've brought into your own hype, right, and so now you're trying to kind of make sure that prove them wrong and make sure that everyone realizes that.
No, no, no, we're cool.
You.
Yeah, we're all on the same page that we're cool.
You're so lucky you're not single, because this is what women do to you. And I'm saying women do this to you. Just this is I'm just saying, I know this. Please tell us a single guy.
I think men do that too. If I used to get you know, when I was single, So are you funny? And I'd be like, well, it depends who you ask.
Right, But that's a great answer because you're not trying to appeal.
And that's what I found.
You're not trying to appease the person, and you're also not being rude, and it's just an honest answer and you just being real, like that's a very normal response always.
I think disarm conversations a great answer.
And you're right, it is no matter the gender. If you're single, this is what you deal with as a single because you're dealing with variables. You have people that are coming in and trying to make a move on you, or be flirty or be funny and show who they are right away. So it turns into, oh, you're not that great, and it's like that's not a you didn't have to say that. You didn't have to say I was great. I'm just here to meet you, you know.
And that's the thing with dating. I think that you do the best when you're looking for the positive, as opposed to when you're trying you're trying to almost you come in defensive, or you come in trying to, you know, make the person feel like you're good enough for them. And that's why people do things like that.
Well, I think so often and so often in the dating scene, we're trying so hard to make someone like us without even knowing whether we like them, right, So we go into him like like me, like me, like me, like me, and then they like us. I'm like, wait a minute, do I even know who this person is? Right?
And you can't know that when you're twenty two, Like that's just the thing, Like that is aging too, Like so much of this, yes, isn't genius. It's growing up and going and being self reflective. Like it takes time, because I know exactly. You know. When I was twenty five starting comedy, I remember this guy sat next to me in a bar all your and I said, I'm a comedian.
It was like the first time I ever said.
He's like, tell me a joke, and I'm like and I say, like note cards and I'm like, who, there's this fun He's like, well, you're gonna have to work on that. I'm like, I guess you got me Like like I don't know, Yeah, I know.
The feeling, but I think that's day I would never do that.
Yeah, it's that feeling of people trying to get you. I carry that insecurity. I feel like sometimes I'm in a room and I'm like, all right, someone's just trying to get me. And that's an uncomfortable anxiety and nervousness
to carry around. And I was speaking to you know, people who are far more you know, successful and everything else than I am, and they were saying to me, like just the amount of anxiety they carry, because every word they say is going to be analyzed, over, analyzed, printed, scripted, put out there for the world, you know, right, And so you start and that's for people I'm talking about, people who are you know who every word that they say is the fun pa consitions.
Yeah, yeah, kench Jenner says one thing off script that's written down.
Yeah, she's apologizing it for a month.
Right.
People don't forget like you look at Kim. People never work anymore.
Yeah, So you carry a little you carry it. You start carrying a tiny bit of that, you know, you start worrying. And one of the things I was thinking
¶ Focus on the Wins and Amplify the Abundance of Life
about that you raised, which isn't about dating, but maybe it comes into that, was, you know, there was there was a time when when things were really starting to take off. And I've generally been someone who, despite challenges, despite things that are going wrong, I've always tried to focus on the wins and amplify the greatness and the goodness because I believe that attracts more abundance, and so I've generally been that way, and I've always been like that, what do.
I mean in the sense of like, for example.
You'll have a win, You're like, celebrate the win for example?
I mean, is you know, is it hard doing what we all do? Of course it is.
It's challenging, But I look at the things I'm grateful for far more than I'll focus on the things that are challenging, because I think that's healthier way to live, or it's a way I like to live. And at one point I realized when I was doing that, I saw that a few of the people I was hanging around with. I could tell that me sharing the growth that I was having was rubbing them the wrong way, and so whenever I was with them, I would now
try and be more negative, to be more relatable. And it was an insecurity that I had because I was like, well, I need them to feel comfortable around me, so I'm going to start saying things that are going wrong so that they do realize my life is hard and bad and all the rest of it. And I started really just getting into my own negativity cycle because now I'd opened the door that I didn't used to open before.
Well, I think a lot of single people can relate to that way.
It's like you get a dating win. Yeah, go back to your other single friends and they're not as happy about it, you know, as you all.
It's like sort of a silent race, right yeah.
Yeah, And it's so hard because you love that person.
You don't want to agitate someone, you don't want to trigger someone. At the same time, you want to share this thing that you're going through and you're experiencing not in an egotistic way, but in a sharing of the heart way. And I think it's it's tough. So anyway I'm laying out all my insecurities to you.
No, No, I have tons.
It's hard, I would assume because people come to you for answers and they and you give them answers that are very concrete and said very well and something that they can kind of go repeat to themselves in those times of their own insecurities.
Are the things that you Where do you look to where?
¶ Two Things I Look Forward To
What's your Do you have a person that you look What podcasts are you listening to?
I definitely, I definitely feel like I grew up on a lot of opro, which is it's is huge and very inspiring, so so a big fan. But I think for me, there's there's two things I look to. One thing is I just love studying humans, Like I love observing people, people online, people's lives. I read a ton
of biographies, I watch biopics. I love like if you want to the David Beckham documentary that just came out on Netflix, I haven't recommend it, and it's like I grew up following him and so I've I knew everything that was in the documentary, but it was just this feeling of like, I love studying a human's journey and how you know, at one point he was completely villainized in the country and people hated him because he got
sent off in a massive World Cup game. All the way through to he's one of the most adored icons of all time and so you get to see that. So I feel a lot of my learning comes from studying, researching and watching patterns and people and human behavior. That's kind of what I get.
A watching people. Yeah, who on the plane do you
¶ What's Your Travel Pet Peeve?
hate the most?
Who on the plane do I hate them?
You travel? Travel, and I know, yeah, you're well, it's.
Your biggest traveling pet peeve.
Okay, so I'm travel time is my sacred time to be alone and and.
Not believe in that it is a great time to switch a cry, to switch off and to like really say I'll eat and drink anything I want. Yes, game over. I'm with you.
Because you said like there's a lot of pressure to feel all like humble. There's a lot of pressure to feel I'm sure it'll like be the most zen friend.
No, I'm just looking over.
Do you ever have to be like someone like this is actually my sa.
It's more like while I'm catching up and selling Sunset and the buzz next to me going, does Jay Shady wat selling Sunset? You know, it's that kind of feeling of like, oh god, I'm gonna get judged from what I'm watching now, you know.
It's it's that kind of feeling like please don't judge me.
So well, this is so great. We're happy you're you're a foss front of the show. Uh Fox, Yeah, foss foss that sounds better. Foughts are I always friend of the pod? Fox put something like that, we're right to edit. Yeah, no, listen, I do. I will say being in the room with you. You do have this filling energy to you. Do people say that to you a lot.
I don't know. It's like a star power. Start yeah, start factor, breath of fresh air.
I love it. Everyone.
Go listen to Jay's podcast, Go follow Jay.
If you don't, alright, read the book. Read the book. It's all there. He's fantastic. I'm Jared Freed. We're here every Wednesday and Sunday with solving your Dating Needs. And we did it again.
We did it again. We'll be back on Wednesday.
Bye.
If you love this episode, you will also love my interview with Kendall Jenna on setting boundaries to increase happiness and healing.
You're in a child.
You could be reading something that someone is saying about you and being like, that is so unfair because that's not who I am and that really gets to me sometimes.
But then looking at myself in the mirror and being like, but I know who I am.
Why does anything else matter