11 Principles for Love I've Learned about Love for 2022

January was our biggest month of all time listens on the podcast, thanks to each and every one of you. It's amazing. We were literally at number five in the US, always in the top ten to fifteen in the whole world across categories. And that's because of each and every single one of you that keep coming back. And it means the world to me that we're only growing, we're only meeting more people, we're only connecting with more of you, and you're sharing it, and you're spreading this and you're

passing it on to your friends. And this week I bumped into a few of you at a premiere and I was just blown away by just a love and the genuineness. If you ever see me anywhere. Please please please come and say hello, Please come and give me a big hug. I mean on purpose at this point is family is community, and so thank you to each and every single one of you. Now Monday is Valentine's Day.

I had to do an episode dedicated to love, and today's episode is about the eleven principles I've learned about love for twenty twenty two. These are new principles ideas that I've been grappling with, things I've been thinking about.

And if you're someone who's been working on your relationship recently, if you're someone who's looking for love this year, if you're someone who's coming out of a breakup or coming out of a tough situation, I definitely want you to listen to this episode and pass it on to a friend who may actually need some of the insight and advice that's inside this particular session. So let's get going right away now. Recently I was doing a few interviews

sharing my exciting new partnership and collaboration with Calm. I've joined as the chief Purpose Officer. I'm an equity owner. I'm guiding the company from a chief purpose officer point of view. And I was doing some interviews with people that had connected with digitally over the pandemic but never met, and one of those people was Drew Barrymore. Now, Drew

Barrymore is an absolute dream. She was amazing. Her energy in person was even more incredible than it's been over messaging and texting and dming, and I'm so grateful that I finally got to meet her. And I went on her show in New York and in the show, they do this segment where they react to news headlines. So they'll take headlines from the news and then me and her and everyone else we have to react to these new headlines. Now, one of the news headlines really got

me thinking. The headline was our soulmates real? Right, our soulmates Real? And the first thing that came to my mind, which I said in the interview, was that I believe that a soulmate is a mate that helps you find your soul. And therefore, I think we have lots of soulmates at different times in our life that directly or indirectly help us find parts of our soul. And this really got me thinking about this concept of soulmate and

where it comes from. Now, I was reading a great article which was looking at Marist Pole, and it was saying that seven three percent of Americans believe in soulmates, and more men than women believe that they're destined to find their one true soulmate. Males seventy four percent and female seventy one percent, and seventy nine percent of people younger than forty five believe in soulmates, while only sixty nine percent of those over forty five do. Now, I

don't know if this is surprising to you. I don't know if you look at it and go, yeah, that makes sense, that's exactly what I think. Because the reason I thought that was fascinating. So I realized that it's a really popular concept to believe in soulmates, to believe that there is someone ideally suited to you as a romantic partner. And I think that that idea, like many ideas,

has certain positives, but it also has certain negatives. It has pros and cons, and in this episode, I want to dissect that as I share with you these eleven principles.

When I look at this through the lens of wisdom, one of the things that's fascinating to me is that in traditions, especially Eastern traditions that value the role of karma and reincarnation, the idea that we have multiple lives, and therefore, throughout those multiple lives, we may re meet and reconnect with several people that we've connected within the

past for the benefit of transformation, purification, and growth. If we don't learn a lesson, learn a principle, we're often brought into similar scenarios or settings where we can reconnect with that meaning, with that lesson, with that growth. Soulmates in that sense are people that are connected to us throughout our lifetimes that keep reoccurring for us to learn certain principles, for us to have certain growth periods, for

us to go on certain journeys. But I think today we've over simple fid The version of a soulmate is just being this perfect person that exists just for us. And while it is true that you can construct and build and grow a relationship, to believe that there is only one person who is already this is where my challenge with this idea comes from, is that we believe

that there is someone already ideally suited. I believe that there are people who are ideally suited to work with to grow with, but to believe that there is already someone ideally suited with no work. That's where I struggle with the concept. So when I share these ideas today, what they really are is you're going to meet someone, and that someone is going to come with all their flaws,

their baggage, there challenges, their trauma. But it is up to you and that person to figure out whether you're willing to do that work in order to make that person a soulmate, in order to make that person the one. So this is really about that part of the journey, because that's often the part of the journey that we want to miss. The first one is a relationship only

works if both people are working on it. Now, that doesn't mean that you're working on it at the same time, but both people have to sign up to work for the relationship. Now, it's important that when I say this that you notice people work for the relationship in different ways. Not everyone is working on it in the same way as you. For example, you may be someone who's turning up and solving problems, putting out fires for the relationship.

The other person might be preparing, planning, scheduling. So notice how you're both prioritizing the relationship, but one is preparing for challenges, preparing for scenarios, and the other one is putting out fires. Which one is more important? I mean, that's just a subjective debate. The truth is that both people are working on the relationship, but they're working on

it in different ways. And this is often our mistake as humans is that we're looking for people to work on things the way we work on them, and when they don't work on things the way we work on them, we think they're not working right. Imagine you just bought a new piece of furniture from Ikea or Ikea, I don't know how you say it. Here in the UK we say Ikea. And you're putting this piece of furniture together, and one of you is going through all the instructions.

One of you is putting it all together, etc. But the other person's not doing that. But they put the order in, they went and picked it up. They are someone who's planning the next thing for the next room. Now, the person who's actually putting it together may feel like they're doing all the work, but the other person's also working on a different part a different way. So when you ask yourself the question are we both working on

this relationship? Take a moment to notice how someone's working, because often when people are not working like us, we feel they're not working at all. And that is one of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships, where we say where you're not working on this relationship, you're not helping build this relationship, You're not constructive in this relationship. But actually they are just in a different way. Everyone brings something different to a relationship, and that's what makes

it special. That's really truly what makes it special. I want to share with you the biggest news of the year. How many of you want to meditate? I can see your head's nodding, I can see you raising your hands. I can see you saying, yes, Jay, I really want to learn to meditate. How many of you would like to learn to meditate with me? Every single day? Now, I already know what the answer is because I know how many messages DMS reviews notes that I get saying Jay,

I'd love to meditate with you. Last year, we took meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around forty days live and twenty million of you tuned in. Now I am taking that same focus, that same presence to Calm. I've partnered up with Calm to release a new series called The Daily Ja where you can meditate with me every single day for seven minutes to make it a real habit. I would love for you to come and join me and take part in building a really powerful

meditation practice. And guess what, we're going to do it together? Head over right now Tocalm dot com Forward slash j to get forty percent off a premium membership. That's Calm dot com Forward slash J. I had this beautiful opportunity this week. I was contacted by Jennifer Opez, who of course we've had on the podcast before and her team and they asked me to be a part of her special on NBC for the movie Marry Me. So their movies or some I just went to the premiere, who's

absolutely fantastic. I love a feel good rom com, I genuinely do. I have a long list of my favorites, everything from how to Lose a Guy in ten Days He's just not that into you to think like a man, and the list goes on and Raddy and I absolutely love rom coms and we're always like why can't we have more rom combs in the world. So, you know,

I loved watching the movie Marry Me. But along with that, because she wrote and sang the whole soundtrack, she launched a special premiere, which is a music concert with her and Maluma for NBC, and on that she asked me to speak about love and also to officiate the weddings

of four people as part of the special. Now, these four people's stories brought tears to my eyes and literally all of us as we were officiing this wedding, we were all into because one of the couples they've been together for fifty years and they were renewing their vows and I was just blown away. I mean, I'm inspired by them. And then another couple, one of them had asked the man had asked the woman now in the relationship when they were eleven years old, and she said

no because she thought they were too young. And now eleven years ago they got engaged and now they got married. And there was another couple, Matt and Bruno, who asked me if they could exchange rings, and I was just like, look, this is your wedding. I wanted you to have the most special wedding. Why am I sharing all these examples with you, because I've been immersed in love this week, and as I was speaking about love that day, I spoke about love based on this second principle that relationships

are a classroom, not a candy shop. This is a really interesting mindset shift that the commitment we're making when we commit to love is to choose love over ego, to choose love over challenges, to choose love over everything. That's the commitment you're making is can you choose love? And relationships are a classroom for love, not a candy shop, because a candy shop means I just want to have fun.

I just want pleasure. And if you view your relationship as just another way to get pleasure, you may be very dissatisfied or discontent because that seeking for pleasure is dissatisfying in and of itself, because now you just seek more pleasure, and more pleasure and more pleasure. The pursuit of pleasure is a never ending pursuit, and relationships are actually designed for purification, for unlocking your potential, for helping you discover your purpose, much more powerful or ground breaking

beautiful things. But we're like, just make me happy, give me pleasure, Give me pleasure. And when you walk in and say give me pleasure, that person now has to be like a candy shop where they just keep trying to give you pleasure, but you don't work on deeper aspects. So why are relationships about a classroom? Because they're purifying. Relationships purify you of all your negative intentions, of all your selfish desires. Because you have to think about someone else,

you have to work on yourself. It's forcing you to grow up. It's forcing you to take responsibility. You've been dodging and avoiding responsibility. All of a sudden, you have someone in your life and you really really have to show up. You really have to show up. The second reason that it's about potential is because relationships help you realize things about yourself that you didn't even know. Relationships

help you learn lessons that you would never learn. Because now you're spending so much deep intimate time with someone, your flaws come out, your mistakes come out. Those would never come out if you're on your own. And finally, they're also about purpose because you get the opportunity to share this journey with someone. But all of this is only unlocked when we don't just seek pleasure. We have to seek more than pleasure from a relationship for it

to be pleasurable. How fascinating is that concept? Right, just wrap your head around that for a second. When you seek pleasure, it almost runs away from you. When you seek purpose, when you seek potential, when you seek purification, pleasure comes towards you. Because pleasure is a byproduct of putting in the work. It is not meant to be a pursuit in and of itself, and that is where we go wrong. Now, the third principle is be playful,

but don't play mind games. Playfulness is so important, but I still find so many people saying, well, he's not messaging, she's not messaging me. He's not asked me out. They've not asked me out, they haven't made the first move. If you're interested, make the move and observe. If the person doesn't reciprocate, move on. Make the move and move forward, or move on. If you don't make the move, you're constantly kidding yourself to figure out where this person stands

with you. Right, make the move, and then you have two choices. You move forward because you like the way the other person responds or you move on. Now, we don't do that because our ego makes us think we're weak if we make the move, But actually we build strength when we make the move, because we build confidence in where is this going. We're now in charge of our destiny because we're saying this is something I'm interested in. Let me display that interest, and if the interest is

not reciprocated, I can move on freely. But if you're just waiting, you may waste time. If you're just waiting, you just spend time hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting, which just drains energy and actually takes away from that relationship. Be playful, but don't play mind games. Right, Be playful. It's important to have fun, it's important to create joy. But the mind games destroy the authenticity of a connection. And I see too many people who don't think they're playing mind games.

Like You're like, I'm not playing any games. I'm just you know, I'm just making sure that they're interested in me. But it's like, let's just display how we feel as opposed to hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting. When are they going to do this? When are they going to do that? So much time and energy is wasted in that hope. The fourth principle is making someone feel bad does not make them be good, but might make them act good.

Let me repeat that one. This is huge. Making someone feel bad does not make them become good, but it might make them act good. So I used to believe that if someone wasn't responding to me, if I made them feel really bad, then that would make them change, if they felt bad about it, if I made them feel guilty, that that would make them grow. And actually I realized that I actually pushed, and even with Rather,

I often did this. With Rather. I would make her feel guilty if I wasn't happy, and then she just didn't feel she could do anything to make me happy. So there were times when she would actually hold back because she was like, well, he's not going to be happy with anything, so I'll just play it safe. And to me that looked like she was putting in even less effort. But I realized that making someone feel bad does not make them become good, it might make them

act good. Like people start pretending, People start trying to make you happy, and now you think they're being inauthentic if someone's letting you down. If someone is not according to your standards or what you need or you're looking for. Communicate that without guilt. Communicate that without judgment. Communicate that without expectation. Because we don't change because of judgment, guilt, and expectation. We change because of love, clarity, and communication. Right,

we don't change because of judgment, guilt, and expectation. We change because of clarity, openness, and communication. Remember this next time you share something. Because it's so easy to try and make someone feel bad, hoping that that will make them be good. But they'll just act good, they'll tiptoe around you. Maybe they'll last a few more months, but it won't be satisfying. No one wants someone around them that's acting good, that's on their best behavior. We're not

in school. That's a huge one principle Number five. You have to learn about this person again and again and again. Remember when you meet someone new and you ask some things like what's your favorite cuisine? Where would you like to travel? What did you want to be when you grew up? Right, you ask these questions and you have

fantastic conversations and the chemistry and this interest. And now you've been dating for a long time and you already know the answer to those questions or hope maybe you do, but you stopped learning new things about the same person. I was recently on a podcast with Demi Levado where she interviewed me, and I said to I don't think there's any new ideas. I think there are only deeper ones. And this approach, to me is how we have to

solve relationships. You're not going to get to know a new person if you're committed to a person in love, but you can always know them deeper. And this is partly why infidelity being moving on is so attractive, because you're getting to know someone new again until they become old, and when they become old, you want to move on to someone new because we're fascinated by newness, right We're

addicted to newness. There's something about the new phone, the new TV show, the new season, the new outfits, the new person in their life. Newness is a natural phenomena for humans to be attracted to, and we need to use that as a trick of the mind. We have to use that. We can't ignore that. I can't tell you no, no, no, Just be fascinated with the old. Just be fascinated with what you already know, because that's not how we're wired. We're wired to be attracted to

new things. That's the way we're built, right, because it's what helped us adapt, it's what's kept us relevant, it's what kept us alive. So keeping something alive in our relationship means seeking the new and the depth in the old. I talk about this experience in my book Think Like a Monk, when as monks we would walk down the same path every day and we were asked to find a new flower, or a new stone, or notice a new part in nature. And I'm not kidding with you.

I discovered so many interesting shaped stones, discovered so many amazing flowers that I would never have noticed before, and I started to realize that the same old path could be new, beautifully extraordinary. To look for the extraordinary within the ordinary, to look for the uniqueness in the sameness, is a skill that we have to develop in our relationships. I find that I'm discovering new things about Rather all the time, and that's what makes me fall in love

with her again and again and again. Right It's like I don't love Rather for the same reasons today as I did when I first met her. I'd say I love her for deeper reasons. Right, That's how love gets deeper. When you say has your love got deeper, It's got deeper, not because of more time. It's not got deeper because of more years. It's got deeper because I love her for more depth about her. Right, I've learned newer things. I've learned deeper things about her that make me fall

in love with her more. Now, this is number six. This is a very practical thing. Up to until now, I've been talking about mindset shifts and changes, but this is a really practical one. Work on a relationship priority together every month. So you may say this month, we're working on our communication. We're going to try and be kind and empathetic. You may say this month we're going to try and work on our routine. We're going to try and go to sleep in bed at the same

time because we want to spend that time together. This month, we're focusing on date night. So what you start doing is you all create a plan and a priority for your relationship rather than trying to do all of them. Most of the time, we're like, okay, this, we've gotta do date now this week, And we got to connect, and we got to communicate, and I'm going to spend time with our friends, and we're going to host dinners. No one thing per month, twelve things a year. This

month we're focused on our finances. This month, we're focused on our personal growth. I mean personal growths always. This month we're focused on understanding new things about each other. This month we're focused on trying new experiences together. Take on a project every month like you do at work.

I promise you if you approach it in that way, you plan your four weekends out, you've got four events to plan, to focus on it that month, to break it down that way, and you will notice that that priority, that project, that plan creates so much excitement. So this is the month we're focusing on our communication. All we're trying to do is be kinder when we communicate. What

a beautiful thing to focus on. One of the things that I've loved about relationships is when you're working on something together, because then you feel you're growing together rather than being in the same place. The next one is any recurring issues, solve them for the long term. If you and your partner keep messing up on something, stop trying to solve it in the same way together. You may need to outsource it, you may need to bring someone in, You may need to invest a little bit

together to get rid of it. Like if something keeps going wrong, you need to figure out a way of dealing with it so both of you are not having to deal with it, and there are lots of simple adjustments you can make to make that change. Happens if you see a recurring issue, figure out a way to create a long term solution, because obviously both of you are not able to do it now. What happens is that those things often amplify and become huge. The next

one is prepare your partner for your mood swings. We all know when we're gonna have a tough week. We all know when we're going to be unreachable, but we're carrying the guilt and instead of explaining it, we just hope we're going to be good. I'll always tell rather rather I've got a really busy week coming up. I'm going to be really like stressed, and I've got a lot of pressure on, So just be mindful when you

check in with me. Just know that that's where I'm coming from, right or like Hey, if you message me today, just know that I'm in meetings and so my messages

may be short. This is a really good technique for your own self as well, because you start cutting yourself some slack because you're like, all right, I know I'm going to feel this way, and if I inform my partner now we both know, and I've prepared my partner for my mood swings, rather than them being surprised and thinking it's about them, rather than me being surprised and trying to hold it all together. Sometimes we're like, oh my god, I'm just trying to be the most perfect

person even I'm dealing with all this pressure. Rather than just saying top on it. Hey, I'm under pressure, and I may communicate this way, and I just want you to be aware that it's not about you. I'm working on it and I'm figuring it out. Prepare your partner for your mood swings. Next one, don't make them work through your trauma. Work on it yourself, and be patient as they do theirs your trauma and your challenges. They can support you, they can be patient, but it is

you who has to work through it. And often we're like my partner's not doing this. My partner's not doing that, And usually it's because we're not doing it, we're not making the time for it, and that guilt is rubbing off onto our partners. So yes, our partner is going to be patient with us, stay through the pain. But it's so important for you to do that work on yourself,

and that's why you're here. That's where you're listening to on Purpose, right And we've got so many more exciting therapists, coaches, experts, academics coming on to the show this year that I cannot wait to share with you. The next one is focus on how you can compliment, not compete, or complete your partner. A lot of couples end up competing. Competition means there's a winner and a loser. A lot of couples trying to complete each other. We're trying to be perfect.

It doesn't exist compliment both in words, but compliment in what you bring. When you compete, you're trying to be the same person. When you complete, you're trying to be everything. When you compliment, you're trying to be You think about that for a second. Complimenting means noticing the beauty your relationship and your partner brings. Noticing the beauty you bring, not trying to be perfect and not trying to win. And the final one is recognize what they bring to

the relationship, not just what they take. Take a moment today to notice what this person brings to the relationship, what they do for you, and tell them they probably don't hear it enough. I'm so grateful you. Listen to today's episode. Thank you so much for diving in. Tag me and let me know which is the best one for you, which is the one that's going to have the most impact, And I'll see you again next week. Have a great one. We're adding something new this year.

I'm calling them calm moments. I'm going to give you special access to an episode of The Daily J. The Daily J is a seven minute daily meditation habit that's on Calm. I'm giving you a sneak peek into what you'll experience if you come over and get forty percent off a premium membership at Calm dot com Forward slash J. I can't wait for you to experience this calm moment. Let's do it now. Today's goal is to get back in touch with the most essential thing in the world. Now,

I'm not talking about your Instagram account. I'm talking about Inhales and Excels, breathing life. These next seven minutes are about you, your breath, and how it can be used to manage your emotions. I'm Jay Jadie. Welcome to the Daily Jay, and let's begin with that breath. Let's get centered. Big breath in and a big breath out. How about going even a little bigger this time in and out?

One more and out we go. The breath is the foundation of life, Yet how often do we take it for granted, going about our days, forgetting that everything we do is possible because our body just continues to breathe. There's actually a way to be mindful of your breath, to think about it differently, that can transform your life. It's something I learned on my very first day of monks school. I was kind of in between my old

life and my new one. I was in an ushroom in Mumbai, committed to becoming a monk, but I hadn't yet started down the path. I shaved my head, but I wasn't yet wearing my robes. I felt like a fish out of water. I'm sure I looked like a fish out of water. But this was where I wanted to be, and my curiosity outweighed my anxiety. So I was wandering down the long hallway of the main building, past classrooms on either side, and I came across a

child monk teaching a group of younger kids. It was incredible. He must have been like ten years old and his students were like five. I observed them for a while from a distance, and I noticed that the teacher had this incredible aura about him, a sense of poise and confidence way beyond his years. When the class was over, I went up to him and asked what he had just taught his students. Turns out it was their first

class ever. He explained that the first thing they had taught is how to breathe, because that's the only thing that stays with you from the moment you're born till the moment you die. All your friends, your family, the country you live in, all of that can change. The one thing that stays with you is your breath. It's also an indicator of your emotional state. When you get stressed, what changes your breath? When you get angry, what changes your breath? As he told it, we experience every emotion

with the change of the breath. When you learn to manage your breath, you can navigate any situation in life. Wow, I was mind blown. I had meditated before, and I had some vague understanding of the hour of the breath, but I had never heard it articulated like that. How often do we get worked up losing ourselves in spirals of negative thoughts or emotions? How often do we spring into action or really reaction without any idea of our end goal? How often do we say things we don't

want to say or do things we don't want to do. Fortunately, a few deep, mindful breaths can always help reset your system and regulate your fight or flight response, allowing you to make decisions with more composure and clarity. And with our final couple of minutes together, let's put these lessons into practice. Let's breathe so get comfortable wherever you are, settling into your body and into this, letting go of any tension. Sometimes I like to roll my shoulders a

little or stretch my neck. Close your eyes if you want, or leave them open. This is your experience, and let's take a deeper breath here, fully in and fully out. Now, just breathe as you would naturally, no focus, no force, and gently try bringing your attention to the specific sensations of breathing. Feeling the cool, fresh air, entering your nostrils on an inhale, feeling the body expand with oxygen, feeling the sense of release when you exhale all the way.

And now let's open it up. As you go through your day, maybe you can find little in between moments to bring this type of attention to your breath, like waiting for your tea to boil, or even just tying your shoes. Going forward, when you start to lose control, try pausing for a second and taking a few deep breaths before reacting. I promise you this will make a

genuine impact. Now, before we say goodbye, let's take one more conscious breath together, inhaling gratitude for the life force that sustains us, and exhaling a thank you for always being there. I really hope you enjoyed today's experience. I'm grateful you chose to spend time with me, and I cannot wait to see you tomorrow.