#95: 3 Essential Ingredients to Make a Relationship Work

Hey , everybody , welcome back to another episode of On Attachment . In today's episode , I'm going to be sharing three essential ingredients to make a relationship work .

Now , usually I steer clear of making big , sweeping generalizations like that that you need these three things in order to make your relationship work , because , as you will have heard me say so many times , life is messy , relationships are messy .

There's nuance , there's context , there's individual preferences and differences and there's a million different variations of what could work and what works for one person might not work for another , et cetera , et cetera .

And at the same time , having worked with so many people and heard so many people's situations and struggles gone through my fair share in my own personal life , I can comfortably say that the three things I'm going to share today are an undercurrent to all successful relationships , in that , without these things and as a bit of a teaser , these are not things like

you must see each other this many times per week . It's nothing surface level like that that is too variable to be useful . These are really essential foundational core ingredients on a structural level that allow you to build something workable together .

So I'm hoping that in sharing this , it will have a two pronged effect for you One for the future or even for a current relationship , if you're in one , that you can see where you need to focus your energy and attention in terms of understanding what it will take for you to build and grow and cultivate a secure relationship with each other for the long term

assuming that that's what you're trying to do . And for those who aren't in a relationship , or perhaps who look back on previous relationships and wonder why you couldn't make it work despite your best efforts , I'm hoping that what I shared today will give you some acceptance and some freedom from that inquiry and that racking your brains trying to figure it out .

Why couldn't we get there ? Why didn't we both really wanted it to work ? That sense of feeling really overwhelmed and confused and maybe exasperated when we think about previous relationships or , as I said , you might be in this at the moment . Why can't we make it work ?

And hopefully today's episode will shed a bit of light on why that might be in a way that will allow you to depersonalize and cultivate some acceptance and let go if that's the thing that you are wanting or needing to do . So that's what we're going to be talking about today .

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So thank you for your patience . Let's dive into this conversation around three essential ingredients to make a relationship work . So the first essential ingredient to make a relationship work is structural compatibility .

So this one's pretty basic , almost to the point of being obvious , and yet it's not uncommon for me to get questions from people like I got one just a couple of days ago . You know my boyfriend doesn't want kids and I do . Should I break up with him ?

And the really challenging answer is yes , if you definitely want kids or you are pretty sure you want kids and your partner doesn't . That's just one example of structural compatibility . But basically , do we want the same things for our life and if not , is one or the other of us willing to compromise on that at all ?

Or is it fairly black and white , because something like having kids or not in 99% of cases is going to be black and white . It's kind of binary , right ? Some other examples of this might be that one person definitely wants a monogamous relationship and the other doesn't , right ?

That is a structural consideration that might mean you are incompatible , and so things like this .

People , I think , can enter a relationship and then either at the beginning it feels too early to break up over something like this you know , if you've just started dating someone and they're not sure if they were going to be black , you want kids and you do , maybe you don't even talk about it for a while , so you're not aware of the structural incompatibility

and then , all of a sudden , you've been dating for a while and you really attached to each other , but there's this lurking thing , this elephant in the room of we actually want different things for our lives . Another thing might be one of you really wants to get married and the other doesn't . Or maybe you are Long distance and neither of you wants to move .

You both have every intention to stay in the place that you live and neither wants to budge on that and you don't want to do long distance in perpetuity .

All of these factors that mean if neither of you willing to compromise and you just kicking the can down the road on this thing , that is ultimately Going to get in the way of your relationship progressing or is going to require one of you to make a really significant sacrifice on what you really want for your life , as hard as it is .

I think in situations like that we have to really be very courageous and brave and go .

I love you , I would really love for us to be together , but we want different things and that is not an easy point to come to and I think that's in part why people can be a bit in denial about structural incompatibilities or just avoid the conversation , because I think , when you might have a sense of a structural incompatibility existing but you are afraid to

reveal it because once it's out in the open it really nudges you towards needing to act and maybe you don't want to have to make that call , I think it can lead people to this situation where they just kind of linger and their relationship is really held back as a result of that , because you can't make plans for the future , you can't really project forward and

see what your life is going to look like , because you just Don't know and you know of course we could say that none of us really know what the future is going to look like .

But the inability to build something together and to build a vision together and work towards it because you want different things , your ideal vision of the future is not aligned that is really going to make it hard to build something long term together and as hard as it is it is a bit of a rip the bandaid off , because the opportunity cost of staying in

something that has an end date that you're eventually going to have to come to , I think that you are ultimately forgoing the opportunity to Be out in the world and potentially finding a partner who is more aligned in terms of what you desire for your life on a structural level .

Now , just to be clear , I probably should have said this at the beginning these are not the only three things that you need to make relationship work on many , many other forms of compatibility beyond structural compatibility .

But , as I said , these things are like foundational boxes that you will need to check in order to make the relationship work and sort of like deal breakers in reverse . Okay , so the second essential ingredient to make a relationship work is willingness , or commitment . So this is are you willing to put in the work to make the relationship work ?

Are you all in ? Are you really committed to being in the relationship as it grows and changes ? Are you committed to the other person ? Are you committed to building something ? Are you committed to staying in when it's hard ? Because it will be hard , right ?

I think a lot of people talk about wanting a relationship without really understanding what is involved in that , right , right ? So it's like , yeah , I want a relationship , I want a partner . That sounds nice , but I think we are collectively not great at staying in the challenging seasons of our relationships .

And , of course , that's not to say that if your relationships a total shit show that you should just be white knuckling it through . Of course , as I said , everything has context and you know disclaimers and caveats and the rest of it . So use discernment .

But at the same time , I think we can be really flighty and assume that as soon as something gets hard , that it must be wrong , and I don't think that that is a mindset that lends itself to long term committed partnership . Again , provided that that is what you're looking for .

If that's not what you're looking for , then you know again , take what works , leave what doesn't . But this willingness is something that I think a lot of people feel like they have enough of and yet they find themselves unable to make the relationship work .

And that's where the third ingredient comes in , and I'll kind of speak about these two in tandem , because I think the interaction between them and the distinction between them is where a lot of people fall down , in the sense that they don't understand why they can't make it work , even though the willingness or the commitment is there .

So the third ingredient is capacity .

So , as I said , a lot of people want the relationship to work and try to make the relationship work and might go through these cycles of you know , we have this conflict and we try to resolve it and we make these commitments to change and then we try and implement that change and then we find ourselves exactly back where we started .

Right , that's pretty common . So if that's , you don't feel too disheartened , because you're not , you know , in the tiny minority and having that experience by any measure . But sometimes the place where we're falling down is not willingness , it's capacity .

And so when people say to me , I don't know why we couldn't make it work , we both really wanted it to , we both care about each other so much , we both love each other so much , but we just can't seem to make it work Sometimes what you have is not a willingness issue , it is a capacity issue . Now , what am I actually talking about when I say capacity ?

It's something that's kind of abstract in many respects , but in essence , the way I think of it is am I asking this person for something that they just can't give me , for whatever reason ?

Am I asking this person to be someone who they're not , to do something that they can't or that they feel they can't , to show up in a way that is beyond them or just so outside of their current ability or nature that it is unrealistic for me to expect that to actually happen again , even if they are willing and notionally trying .

So am I asking this person for more than they can give me ?

An example of this might be and this is one that I've encountered many times from people that I've worked with and people who messaged me on Instagram is if someone has , for example , a disorganized attachment style , fearful , avoided patterns , where they really desire intimacy and they really want to get close , but then they become so overwhelmed and their

self-protective patterns are just so fierce and pull them away and clamp down and cause them to disappear , and then they experience extreme guilt and shame and they come back and they are apologetic and they say I won't do it again , and they really mean it right , it's sincere , this is not malicious .

But then things get vulnerable again and the power of those protective parts within them is so strong , so overwhelming , so persuasive , that they again see the other person as the enemy in these moments of rupture , and so they have another big outburst or they disappear or whatever , because the perception of danger and fear in their partner and their partner's behavior

is just so extreme for them that they have this big response and they pull away and so when they come out of the fog then go I'm so sorry , I'm not going to do that anymore but they might not actually have the capacity to just override that at that time . And again , capacity is not fixed .

Capacity is something that we can develop , but it takes time and it takes a lot of work and , in that example that I've just given , probably takes a lot of therapy and you know a lot of really courageous , intense work .

And so you , if you are in relationship with someone in that kind of situation , you have to decide am I willing to stick around for that process ? And that's not to say that we just cut and run on anyone who has pain or baggage right , I think we all do to varying degrees .

But you also are obliged to put yourself in that position of having to be on the receiving end of someone else's . You know extreme dysregulation and you know very inconsistent behavior on account of their Woundedness and their lack of capacity to be consistent and stable . That's not your role and there's no expectation that you should do that .

So you are allowed to decide . That's too much for me . This person does not currently have capacity to be in a safe relationship with me or to be in a relationship that would feel safe for me , and on that basis , I am going to free myself from that stress and that environment , because I know that it's ultimately not in my best interest .

So that might be decision make .

Again , it will interact with your own capacity , right , because if you're really affected by someone's behavior like that and it's sending you into a total spin , you might go yeah , sorry , that doesn't work for me , so I can see what effect this is having , whereas someone else might be less affected by it and might decide that they want to stick around for a

period of time and then reassess right Again . So many variables . I can't give you some sort of formula on if this , then that , if this thing happens , then you should stick it out , whereas if there's this sign , you should not .

So it is something that you have to make a call on , but recognizing that Even when someone really really wants to and really really feels bad or is genuinely very apologetic and genuinely very caring , they may not have the capacity to override their protective patterns and impulses when they feel threatened .

Right , because that can be very strong and in people who have not built that capacity , often times those protectors will be stronger than their intention .

When they are feeling safe and connected and clear minded , all of that goes out the window and it's like they put on a different set of goggles that show you as the enemy and all lead them to behave accordingly .

So Just understanding that it's again it's not about you , but capacity is a very real constraint on how some people show up in relationship and you may or may not want to stick that one out . So I hope that that's been a helpful framing of this conversation and that it's given you something to reflect on and think about .

Just to recap , those three essential ingredients were structural compatibility , willingness or commitment so that I really want to make it work and I'm committed to putting in the work to make it work and then capacity , which can be a constraint on willingness and can really determine the extent to which a person is able to follow through on their commitments .

It's not just a matter of pure willpower . If they wanted to , they would . That's , unfortunately , a vast oversimplification and when it comes to that deeper emotional stuff , it's just frankly untrue .

So recognizing where someone's capacity might be at odds with or less than what they and you desire and are committing to and working towards , and , to the extent that their capacity operates , is an almost handbrake on the life that you're trying to build , the kind of relationship you're trying to build together .

Recognizing where that might be the case and whether you need to address that , either by walking away from the relationship or putting in place some really clear boundaries and parameters for the development of that person's capacity For example , someone committing to going to therapy or something like that so that you can have some comfort that that capacity is going to

develop in the right direction . I hope this has been helpful If you've enjoyed this episode . As always , very grateful for those of you who leave reviews , either on Spotify or on Apple Podcasts . I read every single one and they always bring a big smile to my face , so thank you to anyone who has left a review .

I'm grateful for you and it really does help to get the word out about the show . Otherwise , I look forward to seeing you all next week . Have a great weekend . Bye , thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment .

If you want to go deeper on all things attachment , love and relationships you can find me on Instagram at Stephanie underscore , underscore rig or at Stephanierigcom , and if you enjoyed this episode , I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating . It really does help so much .

Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon .