#91: How to Navigate Boundaries with an Ex-Partner

Hey , everybody , welcome back to another episode of On Attachment . In today's episode , we're going to be talking all about navigating boundaries with an ex , so I think that it's fair to say boundaries as a general topic and area of relationships , something that a lot of people find really challenging .

I think a lot of us are unaccustomed to advocating for ourselves in a way that feels balanced and confident , while also not turning into a tyrant and dictating to everyone around us how they have to behave .

You would have heard me say before I think boundaries is one of those areas where people tend to experience a pretty pronounced pendulum swing , when they go from never having heard of what a boundary was , or never having set one before and it being a really foreign concept to encountering this body of work , and swinging to the other extreme of laying down the law

with any and every person that they have any sort of relationship with . And , as always , we want to find our way to a healthy middle when it comes to boundaries , and I've got many other episodes around boundaries and I've got a masterclass all about boundaries .

So as a general topic , there's a lot to speak to with boundaries , but specifically in today's episode we're going to be looking at the topic of boundaries as applied to relationships with an ex . So I think in some situations it's complicated due to structural factors .

I know I get a lot of messages from people who may be co-parent with an ex where there's been a divorce , or still cohabitate with an ex or share a pet or work together any number of other things that make it hard to have a clean break and have really very defined boundaries that allow you to emotionally disentangle yourselves from one another and move on with

your lives . While that might be the ideal , i recognize that it's not always possible , and so today I'm going to be talking to some specific situations .

So first I'll be unpacking why it can feel challenging to set those boundaries with an ex , and then I'm going to give a few different examples of how I would navigate boundaries in specific circumstances with an ex .

So hopefully that will give you lots to work with and lots to adapt and apply to your own situations , to the extent that this might be relevant to you .

Before we dive into that , a couple of quick announcements , the first being you might have heard me mention in the last couple of episodes that Healing Actions Attachment , my signature course , is coming up again soon .

Towards the end of the month , i'm going to be reopening the program and you can sign up for the wait list via the link in the show notes , which will allow you to be notified when doors open but also save $100 on the sign up price and access that exclusive early bird pricing .

So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you enjoy what I do on the podcast and you'd like to dive into my work in a way that really gives you a very comprehensive , deep dive into your experience of anxious attachment , as well as the tools to cultivate a secure attachment and secure relationship both within yourself and with the people in your

life , healing anxious attachment is a really wonderful option . So definitely Jump on the wait list if you're not already . I think there's already almost a thousand people on the wait list , which is pretty amazing , but definitely join that if you're keen to secure your place when doors open at the end of the month .

The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today , which is no matter if you're avoidant , anxious or other , if you're open to growth . This is such an amazing thing to listen to . Stephanie speaks so kindly and in such a supportive way and gives such amazing observations and guidance . I can't recommend it enough .

I've been working on my self growth a lot in my life lately and this podcast has been a huge catalyst in my growth . Thank you so much . I'm so touched by those words and I really , really appreciate being part of your journey . That's really lovely to hear .

If that was your review , please send an email to podcast at StephanieRigcom and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you . Okay , so let's dive into this conversation around boundaries with an ex Now . As I said , boundaries are really challenging for a lot of us .

A lot of us are accustomed to putting other people first , right To caretaking other people's comfort , to prioritizing other people's emotions , and so the idea of taking action that is in our best interests that might have an adverse impact on someone else can feel very , very edgy .

It can feel like it's flying in the face of everything that we've ever known to be true about relationships and about what it means to be liked , accepted , loved , approved of .

For those of us who rely on people pleasing or that compulsive need to be liked and to control how we're perceived by other people , the idea of setting a boundary that might mean someone else is hurt or inconvenienced or upset or disappointed in us , it feels really hard .

As I said , i think boundaries with an ex represent a very unique situation because there's a lot of stuff wrapped up in it . So , whereas boundaries in a primary relationship so we'll stick to romantic relationships for the sake of this conversation whereas boundaries in a primary relationship really require us to find mutually workable solutions .

So again , i think this is one of those areas where people kind of misunderstand the point of boundaries . People think that it's about me telling you how to behave with respect to me , and if you don't , there will be consequences , and it all becomes very authoritarian a lot of the time .

But I think really healthy boundaries allow us to find a way to be in connection with one another that honors both of our limits . It's saying , in order for me to be in relationship with you . Here's what works and here's what doesn't , and that obviously can show up in a lot of different ways and expressions .

But whereas in a primary relationship there is this need for mutuality , and I think the more we can convey the mutual benefit of a boundary , then not only does it become much more likely to stick , but it becomes much less intimidating to set that boundary , because it really becomes an invitation into more connection , rather than feeling like a wall that is going

to keep someone out or push them away . When it comes to boundaries with an X , i think there is more scope to be selfish , and indeed oftentimes setting boundaries with an X will require you to be selfish in the sense of putting your own needs squarely ahead of the needs of someone else .

Now , one of the areas that this often comes up is in the wake of a break up , right in the immediate aftermath , where I'll get messages from people saying I feel really guilty , my ex is really upset and keeps messaging me or keeps calling me and I feel so bad .

I feel such a sense of guilt That I keep engaging with them because I don't want them to feel upset and I feel like I've been the cause of that .

How do I deal with the situation And I think that that is an area where it's really important that you do set the boundary , because even on the short term , it might feel like you are causing them hurt or harm By disengaging and by setting a boundary and really holding firm on it , query what you're actually doing by continuing to participate and caretake And be

the emotional crutch for someone who you're no longer in a relationship with . I know that it's very hard to set that boundary , and I've been in that situation before and not handled it terribly well , but ultimately it just makes it harder for both of you , right ?

Because , provided it's not changing the outcome of the break up , you just kicking the can down the road on that emotional disentanglement that needs to happen .

Ultimately , you are going to have to decouple from one another sooner or later and so continuing to be each other's emotional support person throughout that process where you really tend to and hurting , Is not really in either of your interest .

So I think it's a really good example of where boundaries might feel Harsh , hard , but they're actually kind ultimately because they're honest and they really support us to take care of ourselves and they support the other person to take care of themselves in a way that is healthier and more adaptive in the long run .

So really emphasizing that you are allowed to do what is right for you in so far as boundaries with an ex are concerned caretaking their feelings , their emotions , stewarding them through the break up and the aftermath of that really isn't your responsibility and , frankly , shouldn't be your responsibility for either of your sake .

So full permission to set boundaries with an ex that are selfish , right , that are prioritizing your needs and your processing and your moving on above The processing the needs , the emotions of your ex partner . Trust me when I say that it's in both of your interests for you to do that now .

I said I was going to run through some specific circumstances Where you might struggle with boundary setting with an ex and give you just some quick tips around that . So The first one here and it's kind of in the same vein as what I was just speaking to is a scenario where you and your ex have never really had any boundaries since breaking up .

There's a lot of confusing , conflicting feelings . You still love and miss each other but you're not in a relationship . So you've broken up but you've still been in frequent contact . Maybe you've still been seeing each other , maybe you've even still in sleeping together . So I get people asking me what do I do in this situation ? how do I let go ?

I think this is one where we need to have inner boundaries and we need to have relational boundaries , and it's one of those ones that feels really complicated but in fact is very simple .

It's just hard , okay , and noticing where that distinction lies and you know the things that are simple but not easy I think we'd like to tell ourselves that they're very complicated because that Almost gives us an excuse not to act , whereas if we acknowledge that it's actually quite straightforward , it's just difficult , then it's more incumbent on us to stop

participating and take responsibility and do something about it .

So I think in the scenario where you know you're not going to get back together , you know that the relationship didn't work , but you haven't had that real clean break at any point and there's just been this lagging continuity of contact and intimacy , i think that's a scenario where having a no contact period and really just committing to yourself that you're going

to do that and follow through is extremely important . I've talked about self trust a lot on the show before , but I really think that nothing harms your sense of self trust , like Continuing to knowingly participate in dynamics that you know deep down a really not healthy for you , and yet you do it from this place of all . But i can't help it .

I think it's a really disempowered thing and it's not really honest . Because you can help it , you just have to prioritize your longer term well-being over your short term desires or impulses , and of course that takes a level of Emotional maturity and capacity . But you can do that , and the more that you do it .

So every time you say no to Meeting up or that you don't answer the phone , or that you respond to a text saying you know when i'm talking and just holding the boundary rather than engaging , every time you do that , you're building that self trust muscle .

So If it's that first situation of continuity of contact you've never quite disentangled , i really , really encourage you to have a firm boundary with a clean break and no contact period of at least three months , maybe up to six months , and then , if it makes sense , you can slowly start to Renegotiate what a friendship might look like down the track .

But you do need that time to have space from one another and to figure out what your life looks like without them being such a daily feature of it . The next situation that i want to speak to is where your ex contacts you periodically , wanting to rekindle or maybe not even in so many words .

It's just like you get the occasional text from them checking in and in a way that feels kind of suggestive and like they're keeping that channel open and you find it difficult not to engage or respond . Now i think this one really , to me , has a lot of like the people who are in an anxious , avoidant kind of relationship .

I think they can fall into this one really really easily . So if You are more anxious and your ex was more avoidant and they pop their head up every so often and reach out rather than just holding the boundary of seeing it for what it is , your impulse is likely to be What does this mean and what do they want ?

and do you think it's because they miss me or do we think it's because of that ?

and you probably jump on google and you start trying to figure it out and decipher it And the idea of not responding is like the most herculean effort imaginable , because Everything in your being says not only i want connection with this person that i have an attachment to , but also i want the information , i want to know what it means , and so it's really ,

really takes a lot of self discipline To not take the bait in that situation , to not message back , to not find out what they're up to , to not find out why they're messaging you , to not try and dig deeper and you know to the extent that they do miss you are reaching out .

For that reason , to not really relish the fact that that might be the case , to be able to just say , like , no matter what their intention is , we broke up and we're having this period of designated space and i know that that's For the best and i know that that's supportive .

For me to be able to actually just say that and not take the bait takes a huge amount of self discipline and that's a really important Internal boundary for you to hold . But i promise you , your self trust and your self respect will be so much stronger for it .

So , having that internal line and then , to the extent that this person is persistent or is not really taking the message , i promise you that if you hold firm , they will get the point that when you are indirect and you tiptoe around it and you try and do it in a really sweet , likeable way So that you can maintain whatever impression they have of you is

being very amicable and accommodating at all times . Again , that can't be the priority . You need to keep yourself safe , you need to keep yourself emotionally hygienic and clean And if that means just holding a firm line and disengaging , even if it feels abrasive , i think that ultimately that is in your best interest .

And , again , full permission to put yourself first when you're navigating boundaries with an ex . Now the third and final situation that I want to speak to , which is a little bit more complicated , as I alluded to at the start , where there are these structural factors that mean you can't have a clean break with someone .

So this might be where you and your ex-co-parent or you work together and you struggle to navigate those boundaries .

This really requires us to find some sort of in-between boundary whereby we're able to coexist peacefully in a way that allows us to be civil and doesn't sap us of a lot of energy by being actively involved in dynamics that are either confusing because there's residual love and feelings there , or there's a lot of animosity .

I think that just declining to participate in those aspects of the relationship and keeping it pretty , not so much formal but somewhat distanced , while still coexisting in whatever manner is required of you .

So , in the example of co-parenting , if you know that there are certain triggers in that relationship for example , someone being unreliable or hard to contact and you need to rely on them because you co-parent and you need to be able to go between each other's houses or whatever it might be having very clear boundaries and expectations as between you on how that

arrangement is going to work and just not leaving any room for those triggers to arise and clearly stipulating ahead of time , for example , if I can't contact you when you're meant to be available , here is what I'm going to do with that .

So , having as much structure and really pragmatic , practical , pre-agreed almost like rules or like governance in the relationship as a way to support yourself , to not be so emotionally open to this person in a way that is likely to pull you back into old dynamics to the extent that that is disruptive of your peace .

Now , of course , if you have a really beautiful relationship with an ex and there's no kind of emotional gunk there , there's no real residue and you're able to just peacefully co-parent or peacefully coexist at work or wherever else , then that is perfectly wonderful .

This episode is really not to say that you need to introduce really hard core boundaries where they're not needed . So , of course , take all of this with a grain of salt and with a level of discernment .

But to the extent that you are struggling in finding healthy boundaries with an ex in any of these situations or any other situation , my hope is that today's episode will have given you a bit of a feel for not only that permission slip to put yourself first in those situations that you are really allowed to prioritize your well-being and your needs and preferences

in that situation , while , of course , always being kind and respectful . You're allowed to put yourself first , even if it means someone else is disappointed or hurt or upset , and I hope that in giving you those situational examples , that you've got a bit more context for specifically how you might tackle those situations . So I really hope that that's been helpful .

As always . Super grateful for anyone who could leave a rating or review . Let me know what you thought of this episode . If you're listening on Spotify , you can leave a response just to the episode underneath . Share it with the people in your life . Share it on social media , super helpful for me and it really is so supportive .

So I appreciate all of you being here and listening every week . Otherwise , thanks so much for being here and I will see you later in the week . Thanks , guys , you .