#141: "Is it wrong to hope my partner will change?"

Um, but having that sense of if they just changed this thing, then everything would be different or then I'd be more attracted to them. All my needs would be met and we wouldn't be fighting or we wouldn't be disconnected or whatever it might be.

Um, but this feeling that the problems in the relationship or the way that you're feeling towards them originate with them and, you know, needing them to change is kind of the roadblock standing in the way of your happiness or your satisfaction, your peace, whatever it might be. Uh, so I think it's. feeling that a lot of us will relate to. Um, and as always, I think that it's important to inquire and get curious with, you know, how much of this is my stuff?

How much of this is telling me something about the relationship that needs my attention? You know, is there anything there for my partner to action? And sifting through that in a way that really allows us to.

To have a bit more clarity, rather than just following those voices and those stories in our head, uh, that can lead us to, you know, not very nice or constructive behavior within our relationship, uh, when we are in that mode of judgment and criticism and maybe even being a bit manipulative, trying to change our partner.

And I think that as we'll get into, sometimes there can be some, you know, egoic drives in there where we're kind of self centered and, uh, whether we realize it or not, they can be an arrogance to wanting our partners to change because often we want them to change, to be more like us. So taking responsibility, taking ownership for all of those things and, um, getting clarity around it, I think is really important.

Because so much of the time, our relationship, our partner, the way we're feeling about those things is just a mirror or is feedback. Um, that's pointing us towards something within us that, you know, needs some. Love and care. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. I'm going to be offering you some thoughts and some guiding questions that might shed some light on that dynamic as it applies to your relationship.

Uh, before I dive into that, a super quick reminder that I am offering a 50 percent off sale on all my masterclasses and courses on my website. Uh, you can use the code. Hey baby, or one word to save 50 percent on those, which is to celebrate the. Birth of my baby, which was one month ago today. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around wanting to change a partner. Now, as I often do at the start of an episode, I just want to, uh, almost give a bit of a permission slip to be human here.

I don't think it's something we have to beat ourselves up over. Uh, this desire to change a partner. I think it would be dishonest for someone to say that they've never had those thoughts or those urges or those. You know, moments of frustration where you just wish that your partner were different in some way that they, you know, acted differently, presented themselves differently, um, coped with things differently.

Um, and so I think that, you know, giving ourselves the grace and cutting ourselves some slack for being human, um, in having those thoughts and urges is important. Always wanting to be compassionate, uh, that of course doesn't give us a permission slip to act on. Those impulses or those urges. And I think that's where we really need to take responsibility and go, okay, how am I acting out here? Am I being critical? Am I being nitpicky?

Uh, and what kind of culture is that creating in my relationship? Is it really a culture that is inspired? Firing of growth and change, uh, in, you know, a positive direction or is it creating a culture of disconnection, uh, and, you know, disapproving judgment. Um, all of those things, which, you know, if you've ever been on the receiving end of tends not to be terribly inspiring and, you know, it leads to more disconnection.

So, as I said, I'm gonna offer you some questions to get a bit more clarity around this. wanting to change your partner. Uh, because I think that this can arise in a lot of different circumstances. You know, it might just be feeling almost like the ick towards your partner, which some people relate to. I think almost people with more avoidant tendencies tend to experience more of that ick than people with anxious tendencies.

I think that people who have more anxious attachment tend to want to change their partner in ways that they see as. solidifying the relationship. So if there's any sense that the relationship disconnected in some way, or the relationship is lacking, uh, and it's really easy to pin that on what's wrong with the partner and tell yourself a story that if they were different, then everything would be solved. And so changing your partner becomes the solution to all of your problems.

Whereas I think that, uh, for more avoidant folks, changing your partner or being critical of your partner, uh, is more of a distancing strategy. It can feel like if they were different, uh, you know, we'd be a better fit and the fact that they are like that. And I feel this sense of resistance or criticism or judgment towards them is proof that we're not meant to be together. So we can see that what starts as a similar seed kind of grows in two different directions, as is often the case.

Uh, with these, you know, different attachment patterns and styles. So the first question that I want to put to you around, you know, this wanting your partner to change is other things that you're wanting to change about your partner, little things or big things. So is it, you know, little quirks that they have, you know, the way that they.

Dress or the way that they eat or the music that they listen to, you know, things that are kind of peripheral, uh, to who they are, but, you know, nonetheless make up parts of them. Uh, are those things irking you or is it big things like, you know, fundamental to the relational dynamic? Uh, is it, that they refuse to talk about relationship issues, or, uh, you struggle to have any sort of constructive conversation or conflict.

Um, you know, are there more foundational aspects of your partner as they're showing up in their relationship or just as themselves, um, that you, uh, Taking issue with, and you are wanting them to change. So I think, you know, naturally, if it's the little things that are bothering you, I think we have to, um, I don't know, query how important those things really are.

Uh, and I think that when we fixate on those little things, it's usually pointing us to something within us, a perfectionism or, uh, some other rigidity or desire to control, um, or perhaps an unmet need there. Uh, and where. Using those little things as almost a scapegoat for, you know, a way to validate how we're feeling in a deeper sense. So, um, big things are little things. Then we maybe need to go to the next step.

Which is, Have I always been bothered by these things or is it a recent development? So if you've always been bothered by these things, um, I think that's a very different scenario and a much less common one than if it's a recent development. And if it's, It's more recent that you've started to have this sense of frustration or, you know, resistance, criticism, judgment, disapproval of your partner, then reflect on what else is going on.

What's the backdrop to this, uh, that might give me more information as to, you know, accompanying unmet needs. Uh, things that are going on in the relationship that are leading me to project this onto my partner, um, and wanting them to change, you know, what else accompanies this? Um, because I think that much of the time, what you'll find is the things that you end up being frustrated about in your partner or judging or resenting, uh, are often things that you either.

were attracted to in the first place, or at least, uh, you weren't bothered by initially, you know, I often give the example, you know, you might be really attracted to someone's spontaneity, but six months or a year into the relationship, you're pulling your hair out with frustration at the fact that they can't stick to a plan. You might be really attracted to someone's passion and that they have really strong opinions and they're really engaged. But down the track, you might.

Find it frustrating that they can't just let anything go, or they always have to have the last word or some other expression of that trait. You might be really attracted to someone's self discipline and really admire that about them only to subsequently become frustrated with the fact that they're too uptight and rigid and you wish that they'd just lighten up.

So. Getting curious around, like, have I just changed the way that I relate to aspects of them that were always there and maybe even aspects of them that I once really appreciated? Uh, or, you know, is there something else here? Uh, and I think as a bit of a hint, oftentimes we're attracted to Um, and someone else, uh, expressing a trait that we don't have or that we've suppressed or judged within ourselves.

So you might really admire someone's ability to be the center of attention and to be really confident in social settings, because that's not something that comes naturally to you. And it's maybe something that you really wish you could embody.

Um, but while that's attractive to you in the first place, in the first instance, when you meet them, um, down the track, you might notice the same parts of you that suppress that or are critical of that within yourself, um, start to, you know, arc up and, and express those same criticisms towards them. And so you want to suppress that in them the same way that you suppress it within yourself. So I think that getting curious around like, Oh, how, where has this come from?

This, Um, and it's, it's just such a passion. I have this sense of criticism that I feel towards my partner and wanting them to change and I wanting them to just be more like me. Um, and is that really what I want? Because as much as we can tell ourselves the story that if they were more like me, then everything would be easier. You'd probably also experience a loss of attraction if that were the case.

Because much of the time, it really is our differences, uh, that allow us to compliment each other and to work really well as a team and to maintain that sense of separateness that can fuel attraction in a relationship, uh, as much as particularly if you're more anxious the desire to merge and enmesh into one unit can really be there. And that can be almost like a form of safety that if we're just kind of melded into one, then we're inseparable. Uh, and that makes me feel safer.

Um, it tends to not actually be conducive to a really healthy, thriving relationship. Okay. The next question that I want to offer you is, do the things that I want to change or that I'm hoping will change in my partner relate to my core relationship needs, uh, and relatedly, if things never changed in that respect, you know, could I make my peace with that? Or would that be a deal breaker? Now, this is obviously a big question. Uh, and we're getting more into the territory here of, yeah.

Um, you know, is there something really fundamental to the relationship here that I'm hoping will change, uh, that goes to my ability to be happy in this place, in my life with them, is that what I'm hoping will change? And I think this can get a bit. murky and challenging, uh, because so many of us, I'm, you know, I've been guilty of this. Absolutely. Persistent relationships where there is this kind of abstract hope of something changing.

Things are going to get better, you know, next month, next year. Um, And, you know, in the meantime, we persist in dynamics that are really dissatisfying. And there's just like a real lack of connection, a lack of joy. Um, you know, there's really stuff missing there. And I think oftentimes, even though we make it out to be very. complicated. Most of the time, you know, deep down when there's something that's not right about the relationship when there's something missing.

Uh, and that's not always to say that you need to walk away at that point. But where the relationship is really fundamentally not Meeting your needs. And it kind of never has, um, there's never been a sense that it's been right, but you've just always been pushing and pushing and telling yourself that like, you know, at some abstract future point, everything's going to be different. Not withstanding the fact that there's kind of no evidence pointing to that ever coming to fruition.

Uh, I think that's when we have to start getting honest about how healthy or constructive it is for us to be holding onto this, you know, hope that our partner's going to change when there's really nothing pointing to that actually happening, um, when that change is related to something that's pretty foundational to our sense of joy, peace, wellbeing. I think it's also important to say there. Again, it kind of relates to what I was speaking about earlier.

We can often project things onto our partner and make it their responsibility to make us happy, uh, and tell ourselves that, you know, when they change these things, then I will be happy. Uh, and again, I think that if you've not.

Um, and so I think that, you know, if you're not historically being great at taking care of yourself at living a vibrant life without a partner being that source of vibrancy for you, uh, then it's really easy to pin that on them and, and blame your lack of vitality or lack of joy or lack of peace, uh, on what might be missing in the relationship. Uh, so it's always this really delicate balancing act and it's such a nuanced conversation of what is.

Really something that we want our relationship to be giving us in terms of kind of life force versus what we need to be sourcing for ourselves and then allowing our relationships to be, you know, a beautiful addition to that rather than the source of it. Uh, and again, I think there's no clear cut answer here.

Um, and I'm probably not speaking to You know, people who are on the edge there, it's probably more situations like, you know, a relationship that I was in, uh, where I was really fundamentally not happy. Um, my needs are not being met. The relationship was just not what I wanted. Um, and yet there was some part of me that thought that, you know, it was going to get better, even though it just wasn't.

And I was expecting that to come from my partner changing, um, you know, kind of magically becoming someone that he wasn't. Um, and you know, that was a recipe for me staying stuck there for a really long time. Um, so I think that asking yourself that question of if things and it's never changed in these material respects that I'm hoping they will, uh, would that be okay? Or would that be a deal breaker?

If you told me in five years time that this part of your relationship, this aspect, this conflict that you keep having on repeat, uh, is still going to be there, or, you know, your partner is still going to be behaving in this way that you find to be really problematic. you know, if that was still the case, then would that be a deal breaker for you? Uh, and I think if the answer is yes, it would be a deal breaker for me.

Then you have to ask the question of, well, has my partner indicated any willingness to work on this thing that, you know, we can recognize is, you know, Um, and again, if the answer is no, then we have to do a bit of a reality check on, well, am I just, you know, hoping that something's going to change when there's no reason that it would, uh, you know, if days are going by and weeks and months are going by and nothing's changing cause nothing's being done, um, and it's something that's really

fundamentally important to me. And I've made that clear to my partner. If there's no movement towards change, that's originating with them. And I really do believe that as much as we can, you know, express a desire or a need in a relationship, um, if it's asking someone to make changes within themselves, That's got to come from them in the sense that they've got to have some intrinsic motivational desire to make that change in order for it to stick in any substantive, meaningful, long term way.

Uh, if it's just you telling someone they have to do something and they are reluctantly agreeing, In order to, you know, get you to stop nagging them or just to restore some sort of peace, um, but they don't actually deeply agree or they don't want that. Um, I can all but guarantee you that that's not going to be the solution. Uh, or, you know, if they don't understand what the problem actually is, and they're just kind of agreeing with you, um, then.

There's probably not going to be the change that you're looking for, uh, and there's a good chance that you'll just keep spinning around in those cycles. So really reflecting if it is something that's non negotiable, if it's big, um, and it's, You know, a deal breaker for you, potentially, if it weren't to change, um, then, you know, has there been any indication from your partner that they're actually willing, able to make those changes?

Um, and you know, what's the plan, what action are they taking and, you know, what have they done to, you know, make those changes? Show to you that, um, they really get it and it's really important to them as well. Um, independent from it, just being something that you've told them they have to do as some sort of ultimatum or condition of being in the relationship. Because as I said, those things tend not to stick. So that was a lot.

I hope that you've managed to follow that web of questions and kind of different permutations of this dynamic of changing a partner. As I said in the introduction, there's sort of different bits there and different scenarios that that speaks to, whether it's just the nitpicky things that might point us. You know, to something within ourselves that needs our attention, maybe we're projecting onto our partner because we're feeling a bit disconnected from ourselves, from our own vitality.

Uh, and we're making that about them. We're kind of blaming them for the way that we're feeling, in which case that's really good information and something that we can work with.

If it's bigger things, if you're really unhappy in the relationship, if things are not working and you are wanting your partner to change, you're hoping that they are going to change in big ways, that, uh, Kind of deal breakers for you or non negotiables, I should say, in terms of, you know, your willingness to be in the relationship. Uh, then I think we have to get really clear around how realistic that hope is, um, and whether there's any accompanying action or plan or kind of evidence.

Um, I think it's really important to just remember that there are still some milestones upon which to be resting that hope, because I think that it's really easy to just stay and tell ourselves a story that things are going to get better. Um, you know, at some future point next week, next month, once we get past this milestone, then everything will be better.

But if there's nothing to actually support that, uh, then I think we do have to get a bit honest with ourselves and, you know, say, can I accept this person as they are? Uh, and if I can't, then is this the right relationship for me to be in? Uh, and I think that can be a really eye opening, uh, and humbling experience. Inquiry to go down. So I hope that this has been helpful as always. So grateful to all of you who tune in, who leave reviews and feedback on Spotify and Apple.

I read every single review and comment. And I'm always so, so grateful for your kind words and support. It means the world to me. Uh, thanks so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.