#104: The Importance of Separateness in Relationships

Hey , everybody , welcome back to another episode of On Attachment . In today's episode , I'm going to be talking all about the importance of separateness in relationship .

So , again , for people who tend more towards anxious attachment , separateness is a big part of the growing that we do on the path to greater security , and figuring out where that balance lies of togetherness and separateness can be really , really liberating and can allow you to access much more peace and internal security in your relationship in a way that allows you

to really trust that you're okay on your own .

As I've talked about so many times before on the show , it's really easy to have the story and the belief that you need your partner in order to be okay and that anything that threatens the connection or the relationship feels incredibly distressing and leads to all of those anxious attachment typical behaviors of how do I close the gap , how do I get us back into

connection , because anything other than that sends me spiraling and , of course , you don't need me to tell you that that's a really challenging way to live .

I know that , you know that , and so I think one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to cultivate greater confidence around separateness while in relationships , so being really comfortable in yourself and having a clearly differentiated sense of self , and cultivating more of a practice around being alone and doing things by yourself , so that you can really

stand on your own two feet and feel like you are in your relationship from a place of choice rather than a place of need and desperation .

So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on this today , including some shareings of my own experience with this , which is ongoing , but something that I've found to be really , really fruitful and really a positive impact on my relationship in more consciously and deliberately choosing space and separateness as a way to actually foster greater intimacy .

So that's what we're going to be talking about today . Before I dive into that , just sharing the featured review for today . This was quite a long one , so I'm going to snip it a little . Thanks , stephanie , for the enlightening and safe service you provide to help guide us through new and old territory .

I'm so glad that I found your show at a time when I'm navigating new terrain with a new kit bag of tools that gives me insights to understand myself in challenging yet sensitive ways . Thanks for giving so honestly and intuitively . It's like you're following my new relationship life from afar . Thank you so much for your beautiful review .

I'm so honored to hear that it's been such a source of safety and support for you , and if you want to send an email to podcast at StephanieRigcom , if that was your review , my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes . Okay , so let's talk about separateness in relationship .

As I alluded to in the introduction , for most of us who tend towards more anxious patterns , our default is to avoid separateness , to gravitate towards closeness the closer the better and wanting that proximity as much of the time as possible , without veering too much off topic .

You may have heard me say before that this makes a lot of sense in the context of the anxious attachment origin story and blueprint which is , I feel , really really good and safe when we're connected .

But I can't trust in the reliability of you being there when I need you , and so I cling to you and don't want to let go because I don't know that , if we're apart , that we will be able to come back together when I need you .

And so the anxiously attached person has this aversion to time apart , to separateness , to space in relationship and a strong preference for the togetherness . And particularly in any sort of stress , the overwhelming urge will be how do I close the gap , how do I seek proximity and how do I re-establish safety for myself via being connected to you ?

And , of course , there's an element of very primal human drive in that . That's not in and of itself , you know , a problem to be solved , but it can be taken to extremes .

And again , you don't need me to tell you that being completely reliant on connection with someone and needing to be with them all the time in order to feel safe can be really stressful and vulnerable in the way that we really want , not the type of vulnerability that we're trying to foster , more the vulnerability of powerlessness and feeling very out of control ,

feeling like we are at the mercy of someone else to determine whether or not we can feel okay on a moment-to-moment basis .

So a huge part of the work in cultivating greater security as someone with anxious attachment patterns is figuring out how to have this differentiated sense of self , going where do what of this is me and what of this is you and what of this is us ?

And knowing where those lines fall and actually being really comfortable in selfhood and going , yeah , here are my values , here are my needs , here are my preferences , here are my opinions , here is who I am , as distinct from you , and being really comfortable in holding that and being with that and advocating for yourself from that really grounded place .

That is such a big part of it , and that's why I speak so much about your self-worth and self-trust and self-respect . It's all self-centered , quite literally , because for the anxiously attached person , there is such a disconnection from self , and so that is where a lot of the rebuilding work has to happen , first and foremost , and so this concept of separateness .

I think that when things are hard in relationship and today's topic is really , I suppose it's broad advice , but it's particularly useful when things are feeling strained in your relationship , and that's really the area for me where I have put this into practice and seen really great ripple effect for my relationship is , I think , when we are in a long-term

relationship we can get really cozy , and that's something that's very beautiful about long-term relationships is that they get safe and they get comfortable and at the same time we can just be really in each other's physical space , in each other's emotional space , in each other's energetic space , in a way where we just start to feel really blended and meshed with each

other . And again , while there's some beautiful cozy aspects to that , it can also feel a bit stuffy sometimes and when we add to that any sort of stress or strain , if we have relationship challenges that we're actively working through and the domain of the relationship feels bogged down and the heaviness of that .

Maybe you've got recurring conflicts or areas that you're trying to improve and you just feel like you're having the same conversation over and over and over again and it's just like the whole tone of the relationship gets really weighed down by all of that .

For the anxiously attached person , the impulse is in those times of stress and strain to get even closer and I get that . That's my impulse as well .

But what I've actually found , and the advice that I've since given to a lot of other people who've similarly found this to be very liberating and effective , is to fight that impulse to go further in and actually do the opposite . So when things feel really heavy in the relationship . Can you actually infuse some separateness ?

Can you oxygenate the relationship and see what happens from that place ? Because I think it can be a really powerful reset at a time when we're otherwise just like all in each other's space and energy and like the claws are in and we're really bogged down and it just feels really heavy . So what might separateness look like ?

Now , of course , there's extremes of taking time and space apart , taking a break . That's not really what I'm talking about here , although that may be what you choose to do and that may be fruitful for you . I said that I'd share a bit about my experience with this .

So earlier in the year , my partner and I were , I wouldn't say , going through a rough patch , but we were working through some stuff and it felt heavy at times and it felt like we were dragging ourselves back to the dining table every couple of days to have these big , heavy emotional conversations in a way that just really felt like it wasn't really connected ,

in a way that felt nourishing .

It was like we were connected through this pain that we were working for and what I noticed for myself in that is that when things are hard , I just become obsessive about it and I devote so much time and energy to thinking about what my partner is doing wrong , what he needs to be doing differently , or you know all of the pros and cons of the situation ,

and it's just , it becomes all consuming in a way that , for me at least , I don't think is helpful , because it's just like it occupies so much space within me that it becomes magnified , right .

The issue itself just becomes like all this is Global and it's catastrophic and it's urgent , and I've got a final solution and from that place I can get very controlling and get very . It is really stressed . And so what I decided to do for myself was to kind of just let go .

And again , this is not not natural , right , it's not easy if you have anxious attachment patterns that tell you that's the last thing you need to be doing . When things are hard , that's when you need to Amp up your controlling this and make sure that you can see the situation in the direction that you want it to go .

But what I did was the opposite of that . I was like , okay , I'm gonna stop . I'm gonna stop pulling you up on this thing . I'm gonna stop like hovering over you and making sure that you're doing what you said you're gonna do and being accountable , and stop dragging you into these big conversations . I'm actually just gonna focus on me , okay .

So what do I need ? What is thriving and well being look and feel like for me at this point in my life and how can I really invest in that ?

Because the more that I devote this energy into trying to fix my partner , fix my relationship control , it's just like it really takes me away from that and it subtly reinforces the message that that's how I create safety for myself . That being okay Is something that I derive from my relationship being a certain way and that's not .

Again , it's not a very empowering place to be actually very disempowering , because it's like kind of Banging my head up against a brick wall and then becoming frustrated and blaming my partner and all that stuff . Right , sure , we've all been there in in various expressions in various ways . So , practically , what did this look like for me ?

I booked a trip which I'm going on in a couple of weeks . I'm going to a retreat in Europe on my own .

My partner also booked and went on a retreat I himself to the states and I started focusing on all of these other things like what can I be doing to take care of myself , to nourish myself , in a way that is not about controlling my partner or trying to like fix and problem solve my relationship .

So really focusing on exercise and health and healthy habits and just Really like how can I go all in on myself in this period of time , this period of my life when things feel hard , and trusting that from that place it's just there's really nothing bad that can come of that right again , it's not the impulse .

Impulse is to focus on the other person , but the real medicine is often in focusing on ourselves and going all in on ourselves , because Not only does that take some of the heavy energy away from the relationship and alleviate some of that burden that's in the relational sphere .

But you'll never , it will never be a bad outcome from really backing yourself and taking care of yourself . Because even if things don't get better in your relationship , how much better off are you having invested that time and energy in yourself ? You're much more likely to then be able to stand on your own two feet and go . You know what ?

No matter what happens , I'm gonna be okay , because look at this really rich and beautiful life that I've cultivated , and that's not to say that this is a stepping stone to your relationship ending . That's not the objective and it's certainly not . You know that .

My personal experience my partner and I still very much together but it has lightened things a lot and it has allowed us to really appreciate each other more because we're more deliberately creating Lives that aren't completely in meshed .

So you're giving ourselves more opportunity to do things separately , to have separate interest , to take trips separately , all of those things .

It's like I'm giving each other an opportunity to miss each other , creating that oxygen in the relationship and also being reminded of why we love each other and why we're choosing each other Is I think that I'm saying this to a client just yesterday it's like if the only thing keeping the relationship intact is control and you know gripping and you know that

really heavy bogged down energy of like we just have to keep working at this , no matter what , in a way that feels really like sinking your claws in . That's not really a nice energy to be in relationship from .

I don't know about you , but I'd much rather be in relationship as to people who have a sense of wholeness and integrity and actively choosing each other , not from a place of Frantic , desperate need , but from a place of really grounded , embodied , loving openness of you know , I love you .

I'm here because I want to be here , not because I'm terrified of the alternative , and I think that cultivating separateness is a beautiful way to reach that point .

And you know , if it doesn't go that way , if you have more space in the relationship and you feel like that leads to the relationship changing or ending , that's okay too , because that's just revealing the truth of what was there and that's , I would say , the best outcome to realize that you know that's in that space and separate that maybe it wasn't working or

it wasn't what you wanted . That truth already exists , just obscured by all of the stress and the fear , the moment . So if that's where you land in having the separateness , then so be it right . That's probably a liberating truth to really land upon . So I hope that this is giving you something to think about .

I know that for a lot of people it's , as I said , the opposite of what you want to put . It's a really , really beautiful practice and it's something that you can play with in really minor ways . As I said , you don't have to Take a break , you don't have to be really drastic , but just bringing even some more awareness to it .

How much separateness do I have in my relationship ? Or have I just Become fused with my partner in a way that , of course , I feel completely dependent on them and terrified of not having them ?

If I've come to navigate my entire identity via them and us , having a clearly demarcated sense of self and a deep self trust of like I have the capacity to create a beautiful life , no matter what's going on in my relationship , you know whether I'm in this relationship or not , cause I can love my partner and I can choose to be in my relationship and commit

to that , but it's not my life line .

It's not this sense of panic and terror at the idea of not being in my relationship , because , again , that Is a really reliable way to self abandon and to lose yourself in partnership is to feel like if I'm not with you I'll die , and that can be the underlying script of a lot of people with more anxious attachment patterns .

So Hope that this has been helpful and , as always , grateful . If you can leave a review or a rating , share it with someone who you think might enjoy it or benefit from it . All of that really helps so much and I'm so grateful for you . Otherwise , I look forward to seeing you again next time . Thanks , guys .

Thanks for joining me for this episode of on attachment . If you want to go deeper on all things attachment , love and relationships , you can find me on instagram at Stephanie underscore underscore rig or at Stephanie rig dot com . And if you enjoyed this episode , I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating .

It really does help so much . Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon .