#101: Navigating Long-Distance Relationships: Tips & Pitfalls

Hey , everybody , welcome back to another episode of On Attachment .

In today's episode we are talking all about navigating long distance relationships so how we can best approach a long distance relationship whether it's for a period of time or whether it's a longer term arrangement and unpacking some of the ways that you might alleviate the challenges of that dynamic , and also talking about how certain attachment patterns might play out

in a long distance setup . So this is far from a comprehensive deep dive into what is a very big topic with a lot of nuance and obviously the long distance thing . There's such a spectrum of ways that that could look and different circumstances and different people with different dynamics and different challenges in their own relationship .

So I think long distance can magnify some of the things that might already be present and may exacerbate some of the challenges that a relationship is already experiencing . So take what I'm going to share today as a very general overview .

I am going to see if I can get a friend of mine who is an expert in this she's another relationship coach and she did long distance herself for a long time and teachers on this , so I might see if I can get her as a guest on the podcast to go into this in a little more depth and detail .

But I'm hoping that for today we'll be able to cover why long distance can feel challenging and why it makes total sense that long distance would feel really challenging and some of the things that you can think about doing if that's a situation that you're in to alleviate some of those stresses . Before we dive into that , a couple of quick announcements .

Next week I am running a live masterclass on building trust . So we're going to be talking about self trust and trust in a relational context and that will include a lot of material . I actually don't know how I'm going to cover it all in the 90 minutes that I've allotted , so we may go over time .

There will also be an opportunity for Q&A with me at the end and the masterclass will be recorded and you will have access to that recording . So if you are someone who struggles with self trust and you have a bit of a trust wound that you're aware of that drives some of your patterns in relationship .

I'd really love for you to come along and learn with me and others how we can build more inner trust and that relationship with ourselves and then carry that into our relationships in a way that allows us to feel a sense of safety and groundedness and confidence in advocating for ourselves and our needs .

Second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today , which is I stumbled upon this podcast and so relieved I did the first 20 minutes into an episode . I felt like Stephanie knew what I was feeling , thinking and struggling with .

It's reassuring to know we're not alone in our struggles and that there are beautiful souls like Stephanie who generously share advice and tools to help others feel better . I'm grateful for your podcast and wisdom . Thank you so much . I'm grateful for you and your kind words of support .

If that was your review , please send an email to podcast at Stephanierigcom and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes , and that can include the Building Trust Masterclass , if you would like to come along and join us next week . So just shoot an email to my team and we'll get you all sorted , okay .

So let's dive into this conversation around long distance relationships . So I think it's really important to acknowledge at the outset what is probably obvious , which is that long distance relationships are hard work .

They require a lot more effort and intention than a relationship where you are in the same place , whether that's living together or living in the same town or city . Proximity does a lot of the heavy lifting and allows us to , I suppose , be comfortable in not having to really put in a lot of effort into seeing each other and making the time .

Of course that will vary on situation to situation , but I think that with distance , we are immediately required to really carve out that time and space .

There's no complacency in a long distance relationship , because I think that it will wither very quickly if we aren't putting in additional effort to really stay connected with that distance and I think that recognizing , even if you're not someone who really values physical closeness , there is so much unspoken intimacy in proximity and being near each other and I think

that a lot of our connection needs are met just via that proximity , even without anything more than that .

So when we take that away , of course we are going to need to do a lot of heavy lifting and put in a lot more effort than would otherwise be needed if we were just in each other's company and space all the time and had the comfort of that you know circumstantial sort of intimacy and closeness .

So , starting by recognizing that long distance is going to be challenging . I've been in a long distance relationship myself a period of time . It was an our entire relationship and it was really challenging . We , I think , just naturally felt less connected and less involved in each other's lives than what we were used to .

And it's really easy , I think , to drift when you're in that space and to maybe take each other for granted rather than really putting in that time and effort and energy into staying a part of each other's world in a really active way .

So , recognizing the challenges of it , and then I suppose the additional layer that I alluded to earlier was in an anxious , avoidant dynamic or if we're looking at the overlay of attachment patterns on what is already a challenging starting point , if you lean more anxious .

Of course we know that uncertainty is hard , distance is hard , feeling out of control is hard , feeling like you cannot reach your partner , whether literally you can't get in contact with them or there's some sort of block there that you can't feel fully connected to them , you can't really feel them . Jealousy can be a real trigger for a lot of anxious folks .

Not really knowing where you stand , not having that clarity All of these things are challenging for anxiously attached people at the best of times and we know that right . We know that those baseline tendencies and sensitivities are there and we can see how they might be exacerbated by distance .

On the other side , someone who leans more avoidant in their attachment patterns in my experience , avoidant folks tend to do better with out of sight , out of mind , and I don't mean that to say that they don't care about you if you're in long distance , but they're probably not feeling the absence or the distance as acutely as you are .

If you have more anxious patterns of really you know that those proximity seeking behaviors as a way to feel safe . So an avoidant , leaning person is likely to be more able to compartmentalize such that they can go about their daily life with that distance and not be overly bothered by it .

And so we can have this situation whereby you're really having a different experience of the long distance arrangement and I think that that can of itself create some tension because the anxious person is going . You're not even having a hard time , you don't even care about me , this isn't even hard for you , you don't even miss me .

All of these stories that are coming from the pain of separation . And obviously , like we know how that can go .

We know that that can exacerbate those dynamics by starting to kind of attack each other or push or protest , and maybe the person on the other side not being terribly well placed to validate that pain , or I'm feeling like they get defensive because they feel like they're being attacked when they haven't done anything wrong . So what do we do with all of that ?

I think it's really important to understand that for some people and I suppose this is a bit of a permission slip you don't have to be okay with long distance .

For me , at this point in my life , it is not something that I would be open to because it would not allow me the level of intimacy and closeness and day to day connection and support that I desire , and so it's okay to know that about yourself .

Of course , it is easier to know that about yourself as a starting point and be able to decline , to continue in a dynamic or to pursue , I should say , a dynamic with someone where that would be the case from the outset .

So , for example , if you met someone and you lived in different places , you could say I'm not going to pursue that connection because I don't want to do long distance . That's a simpler version .

Of course , it is harder if you're already in a relationship and something changes structurally such that you are going to have to move to long distance from togetherness Again . You don't have to be okay with that and you might decide that it is too much for you .

If it is really acutely painful , you might decide that that isn't going to work and you might decide to either end the relationship or take a break for such a period of time that you are going to be apart .

Or you might decide that you want to give it a go because you value the relationship enough and you see a future worth investing in , and so you decide to do long distance for a period of time , or maybe it's even an open ended thing .

But I think having clarity for yourself around what you are open to and what you would need in order for that to feel sustainable , and checking in regularly with yourself and with each other so that you can keep taking your pulse on that , on how am I feeling ? Is this working for me ?

And not feeling like you need to justify that because , as I said , permission slip it is really hard and it's not for everyone , and if you are somebody really , really anxious , it might just be too much for you and maybe that's okay . But having a level of honesty and self-awareness and self-responsibility around where are my limits ?

And kind of tuning into yourself and going is this working for me ? I'm now going to move to giving some tips on how to make this work .

If it's the situation that you are in or you are about to embark upon , and so these are really you know , if you're in a long distance relationship , how can you stay connected and how can you make the most of the situation that you're in ?

The first one is kind of structural and of course , this won't be possible for everyone , but I really do think it helps if there is an end in sight . So I think that for most people , having indefinite , open-ended long distance is going to be really challenging , and that makes sense .

It's hard to know what your future looks like together if it is a serious relationship and it's one that you're both serious about . It's hard to see how that is going to work in a way that's ever going to feel structurally compatible if you are planning to live apart forever .

Again , not everyone , and there will be people who make that work , but that's going to be a small minority of people and for the vast majority of people there's going to want to be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel . So it might be oh , for the next 12 months work means that we're going to be in different cities .

Absolutely fine , right , you can kind of go into that with the mindset of this is going to be a challenging period , but then there's a light at the end of the tunnel .

I think if you've just got month to month rolling open-ended long distance with no ability to really talk about the future or what happens on the other side of that , that can feel really stuck and I think it can feel a bit overwhelming and you might feel a bit powerless if that's the situation that you're in .

So I think in an ideal world there would be an end date , at least a kind of broadly agreed or a theoretical end date to the long distance period .

Short of that and in addition to that , even if you do have an end date , I think that having very regular plans to be together , so to see each other , is a really good idea and that makes it much more doable in the short term because you have something to look forward to .

So say , you've got to be long distance for the next 18 months because of work , but you've got in the calendar every month or six weeks or whatever , that one of you will travel to the other or you'll both travel somewhere .

You have something to look forward to and the actual time apart is not going to be that full 12 , 18 months or whatever period of time it is .

You have these shorter horizons , these little milestone moments that you can really look forward to , and I think that in having that , you actually have an opportunity to plan that and to connect through your joint excitement to see each other and you might take that as an opportunity to plan a really exciting little trip together .

Or even if you're just visiting each other where you're living , making an occasion out of it so that it really does feel special and feels really connective when you do have that opportunity to come together , so having ideally a bookend at the end in sight for the long distance , but also having those shorter horizons of when you're next going to see each other .

I think it's a really good idea . The next tip that I want to give you is To create rituals for connection .

So , of course , I've just spoken about actually having time to come together and see each other and be in each other's company , which is really important , but on a day to day basis , you are going to need to find ways to feel connected to them , not withstanding the distance .

So that might mean you know a morning text every day , or no face timing while you're eating dinner , or maybe you watch a show together .

I've known friends in the past who are long distance and they would Watch the same movie on netflix and they face time at the same time , so it feels like they're watching together , or you might play an online game together , or Any number of things that can feel like there's this bond and this tether that keeps you feeling close to them despite the distance .

I think that that's really important to have things that are little things , so like a morning text , like every day stuff , and then maybe bigger things . So maybe on Friday nights you have dinner and you cook the same recipe and you zoom or something .

But having these things that feel like rituals that you both really prioritise and honor and look forward to and respect and cherish , that's gonna help both of you to feel not only connected but prioritised and like the relationship is being prioritised . I think that that's really important as well .

Sort of related to that is you need to find ways to feel involved in the other person's life . So I remember when I was doing long distance and this was the eight years ago now I was studying on exchange in Singapore . My partner at the time was doing his masters in the UK and so we were both .

You know , we're obviously in different countries , but we're both away from home and we're both in these new environments and we had all of these new friends and it was all very exciting , but it meant that we didn't know any of the people that either of us were building these lives with . Like , even though it was short term .

My partner didn't know any of my new friends that I've made and I didn't know any of his , and so when we talk , even though we were speaking regularly , we'd be talking about our day and we didn't have any context for each other's lives .

I didn't know the places that he was going on a day to day basis and so it was all very high level in terms of what we were sharing with each other , just because we didn't have that level of familiarity with the others world , because it was all very new .

Now , if you do know each other's world so if one of you is , you know , if you're both home and you've been to each other's homes and you're hanging out with the same friends and going to the same places that's gonna be easier because you have more context To understand , you know what they're up to and to feel like you're almost there through their descriptions

and and accounts of what they've been up to . But if there is some level of newness about the situation such that you don't have that contact , you're gonna need to find ways to kind of really let each other in , and maybe that means giving more detail in storytelling than you otherwise would , because you don't have the luxury of that short hand of just .

You know , I went to the cafe with these two people that you know really well and I can tell you the story about them without having to get all the back story .

I think that when we're apart and particularly , as I said , when there's a new environment so someone's gone and take a job overseas , I'm thinking have to really invest in getting you up to speed with who their new colleagues are and what the boss is like and what they do for lunch and all those things that will allow you to kind of have a picture and feel

kind of involved in their life . Otherwise it's really easy to just feel very disconnected and very far away and like you don't really have much inside or connection with what your partner is up to and where their life is that , and that can be really hard feeling to be on either side of .

Okay , and the last tip that I want to give you for navigating long distance is this goes without saying , but communication is so important so it's really normal to have bumps in the road for the connection to ebb and flow when you're apart and , as I said , you just don't have the luxury of proximity to keep the tank sort of from drying up .

I think that just being around each other gives us like a base level of connection and when we take that away , it's much easier for things to feel a little fractured or bumpy or disconnected , and so being able to bring that to each other and to share what we're feeling in a way that you're both really committed to making it work and finding ways to prioritize

each of your needs , find solutions that work for both of you . That really needs to be a very clear and open channel of communication because I think that if you internalize that and you don't want to say anything because you don't want conflict while you're apart or you don't want to jeopardize what time you do have to talk to them .

Talking about heavy things all of that I can totally understand and at the same time , it's probably not going to help if you're to be bottling up any concerns you have or feelings of loneliness or sadness or disconnection . You're much better off bringing those to your partner and finding some sort of way to navigate that that works for both of you .

So don't shy away from being honest about how you're going and how you're feeling . I think that is always important in relationships , but especially so when you're in a season of being apart and really needing to go above and beyond in order to nurture that connection and that trust and that sense of togetherness , despite the distance .

So I really hope that that has been helpful for anyone who is in long distance , who is considering exploring long distance for whatever reason , or maybe if you've been in long distance relationships in the past and you've felt bad about it not working or it feeling hard or wondered why you couldn't quite make it work , maybe this has given you a little more

clarity in hindsight as to where you might have struggled and why . As always , I'm super grateful for anyone who can take a moment to leave a review or a rating . It really does help so much . Share it with the people in your life , but otherwise , I look forward to seeing you next time . Thanks , guys . Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment .

If you want to go deeper on all things attachment , love and relationships , you can find me on Instagram , at Stephanie underscore underscore rig or at Stephanierigcom . And if you enjoyed this episode , I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating . It really does help so much .

Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon .