#100: How to Stop Taking Things So Personally

Hey , everybody , welcome back to another episode of On Attachment . In today's episode , which is episode 100 , very exciting we are talking about how to stop taking things so personally .

So this is something that I know a lot of people really struggle with , and I think there can be a tendency to be really hard on ourselves and to experience this , you know , taking things personally as something that's wrong with us , that we need to change about ourselves , because that means we are overly weak or fragile or emotional in a way that we perceive

as being wrong or in need of changing , and so I'm going to share some thoughts on taking things personally , why we might do that , what might be the underlying drivers or wounds of that , and offer you some reframes so that you can maybe depersonalize people's behavior and depersonalize situations and prevent yourself from participating in that really unhelpful storytelling

that so many of us do , where we make ourselves the center of the universe and suffer as a result , but also some more nuanced shifts that allow you to hold both things to really honor what you're feeling in response to someone's behavior , while not taking that additional step of adding to your suffering by making it all about you .

So that's what we're going to be talking about today . Before I dive into that , a couple of quick announcements . As I said , celebrating that this is episode 100 of the podcast .

This podcast was launched in April of 2022 and has been released weekly , with no breaks , I don't think , or maybe a quick break in January this year , but has been very much a labor of love for me each week to join with you in having these beautiful , important conversations , and it is a real honor for me to be able to help you on your journeys .

I know there's so many of you on every corner of the planet . When you look at the stats for this show , it really is very wide reaching , and I do feel incredibly lucky to be able to do this work and so so very grateful for all of your ongoing support in following the show , subscribing , sharing , listening every week .

It is very , very humbling , so I just wanted to say thank you so much for that . The second quick announcement is that I am holding a masterclass in a week or so . I'm just trying to do the math on when this episode will come out . I'm holding a masterclass on building trust .

So this is going to cover both self-trust and relational trust and again , you will have heard me speak about this whole piece around trust on the show in both of those contexts building up our capacity to be discerning , to know what is right for us and to act in accordance with that , but also to navigate trust wounds in a relational context and rebuilding trust

where that trust has been breached or broken . So it's a really important conversation and workshop and it has been a long time coming , but I finally put it in the calendar . So if you're interested in that , do sign up .

It's a live Zoom masterclass and there will be a recording for anyone who can't join live , so definitely check that out if that is something that interests you . Finally , just to share the featured review for today , which is this review is not only about Stephanie's podcast , but about her Healing Anxious Attachment program that I took a couple months back .

I was going through a breakup after five years of toxic relationship and if I had to choose one resource to help me at that point it would be Stephanie's work . I'm in awe of the amount and depth of materials .

This podcast and the program complement each other so well , but if you can do just one , it won't be long before you notice a tremendous change in mindset and , subsequently , the quality of your life for the absolute better . I'm forever grateful , stephanie . Keep up the good work . Thank you so much for your beautiful review .

I'm so glad that the podcast and the course has been a great support for you in that time and that you are blossoming into the next chapter as a result . So , sending you lots of love .

If that was your review , please send an email to podcast at StephanieRigcom and my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses and you can choose to come along to the Building Trust Masterclass live rather than having one of the recorded masterclasses , if you so desire . Okay , all of that out of the way .

Let's dive into this conversation around how to stop taking things so personally . So , as I said , this is a really common topic of conversation with people in my community , on social media , with clients , with students .

It's definitely a recurring theme , but this particular episode was inspired by a question I got from someone on Instagram saying how do I not take it so personally that someone ghosted me ?

And it really made me reflect because , while I think a lot of common advice would be you know , just move on , write it off like don't worry about someone who ghosted you , they don't mean anything , I think in some respects that kind of bypasses the validity and the truth of the feelings .

Right , we can go straight to the rationalization process of , like , you know , I shouldn't let this person , who I don't even know , affect me that way . But I think that to adopt that approach actually if anything adds to those emotions , because it's kind of coming in with shame and saying I shouldn't feel the way I do .

And so , as I was reflecting , I thought to do a podcast episode on it to unpack that a little and to add some nuance , as I foreshadowed in the introduction .

And so , whether it's ghosting or whether it's your inner relationship and you have a tendency to personalize your partner's behavior I know that I can still do this from time to time , certainly , that is . You know , my muscle memory is to personalize .

If my partner is being moody or I perceive him as being impolite or abrasive or short-tempered , it's really easy for me to make that about me and to get really indignant and go . You know how dare you .

Don't speak to me like that and you know to really fight back , even though you know his behavior is really not about me and his emotional state is not about me . It's really easy for me to make it so and for me to tell myself the story that you know his emotional state or his mood is a personal attack on me .

And this is where the nuance is important , right , because it's both . We're allowed to feel affected by things , and particularly if you're in a relationship .

But , frankly , even if you aren't , even if it is someone you're just dating or seeing casually , you are allowed to be affected by things and it's really it's not helpful to fight against the fact that you may or may not be affected by things emotionally and to just say like , oh , you just let it wash over you , it doesn't matter , it's just not being with

reality . So I think that to acknowledge like , yeah , I'm affected by this .

Another example that I got recently was someone saying how can I not take so personally when the guy I'm seeing has to work late and has to cancel on our plans and you know he always makes an effort to reschedule and I know it's not about me , but I get really hurt and take it personally and I think that again , it's like you're allowed to feel whatever

you're feeling , but where we can come into a bit of trouble is where we then go okay , this person had to cancel on me , or this person's in a bad mood , or even this person goes to me , or this person rejected me , and we take that , and we take the initial feeling of hurt or upset or disappointment , and then we go that additional step and we make it a

shame story and we go it's because I am not good enough , it is because I am unworthy , it's because they're taking advantage of me , it's because they don't respect me , and that's where we get into trouble .

That's the kind of taking things personally that we really want to watch , because I think that is where our wounded parts , where the neuroticism in our mind , will start to take us down a path that ultimately fuels whatever . That painful feeling is something that I teach in my break up course .

High love is , you know , to really want to actually be with those primary emotions , but try not to make them personalized emotions . Try and stay with what I term situational emotions , like I'm disappointed , I'm hurt , I'm upset , I'm angry , I'm frustrated with the situation , I have grief towards that , but I'm not going to let that become .

I'm , you know , feeling deeply ashamed and unworthy and making it about me in a really essential , fundamental sense , because , again , that tends to be where we spiral and where we really internalize other people's behavior as being about us . I think that that is really where we struggle .

So , all of that to say , in this effort to not take things so personally , what we want to look at is what am I making this persons behavior mean about me ? And so , for a lot of us , that will be in the vein of unworthiness .

That will be some sort of story that's traceable to Unworthiness , and often times I think that that is coming from the same part that wants to people please , or wants to make other people happy all the time , wants to be the peacekeeper I want to work really hard to make the relationship perfect , you know wants to be in control all the time , and so , to the

extent that we Don't succeed in that weather , there's a rupture , or I think I'm going to go the way that we wanted them to .

We feel like we failed and we Then take that sense of failure as a personal failure and as meaning that you know , I put all of this work into making you be a certain way towards me or trying to ensure the outcome that I want that makes me feel good and safe in this relationship .

If that doesn't happen , then not only am I disappointed but I feel like a failure and I feel like there must be something wrong with me or I must fall short of the mark for you to be behaving in the way that you're behaving , because I put so much effort and energy into trying to control you and us and everything , the conditions surrounding our relationship ,

to deliver the outcome that I wanted , right . So when we start to peel back the layers of this , taking personally , we see that all of those tentacles that we've spoken about a lot of Control and fear and manipulation and people pleasing and striving and proving all of those things are lurking underneath the surface .

So it's usually not just I'm hurt by your behavior , it's I'm making that mean that I am not good enough , for I have failed in my mission to make you be or act or do what I wanted , and I think that that's really where it can go to that next level . So , rather than just beating yourself up and go , I shouldn't take this so personally I'm .

Why am I so pathetic for being upset , this upset , when they cancel ? Why am I crying because they cancel dinner ? Because I have to work late ? What is wrong with me ? I think we instead have to turn towards that with a level of curiosity and go okay , what am I making this mean ?

What additional stories am I layering on top of the facts of the matter here ? And how are those stories contributing to my height and emotional state in response to this thing ? To the extent that that feels disproportionate to what's really going on .

And I think that when we can venture down that path of compassionate self inquiry , all of a sudden it's not adding shame into that more shame , because often there's already shame , but more resistance , more criticism . I shouldn't be feeling the way I'm feeling . Can you hold whatever it is you're feeling ?

I feel really hurt , really let down , I feel really disappointed . I was really looking forward to that , or I was really excited about this person or any number of other things , because it shows up in so many different situations .

You know someone's upset with me and I feel incredibly personally fronted by that , because I feel like I made a mistake and that's really uncomfortable for me . All of these things we can .

When we start to scratch the surface a little , we can see what's actually there and when we can allow what's actually there to be there and try and stay with the primary experience of that rather than going to the secondary and tertiary stories and layers and meaning making , which is really where we hurt ourselves more .

That's where we can start to heal these things and start to reframe and reprogram those beliefs and kind of coach ourselves and check those stories . Is that actually true ? Is that really what's happening here , or is that a story I'm telling myself ?

And what might be another story , what might be another way of interpreting what's going on here and how can I support myself in this experience to stay kind and loving and centered and to the extent that there is behavior involved in a situation that really is hurtful , that you really don't feel comfortable with or good about , then again , as I've spoken to so

many times on the show , it's not like you have to go down this path of self-inquiry and then just make it your problem and never bring anything to the relationship .

It's just that I think once we've metabolized our initial emotional responses and we've gone through that process of reflection and regulation , we can sort of sift through what's really there and get to the heart of it and , to the extent that there is something that needs to be brought to a partner to say , hey , yesterday when you said this or didn't do that , I

felt really upset or disappointed or hurt and I'd really appreciate if next time you'd consider or you'd be open to whatever , when you're coming at it with that energy of recognizing what your history and your sensitivities might be bringing to the table and while also holding firm on self-advocacy and clear communication in a way that's not accusatory and attacking and

blaming . It's not a raw , unfiltered , highly emotional version of what you're feeling . That's really how we can make these changes . So it's not like , oh , I've just got to stop taking everything so personally because I'm too sensitive and I'm too emotional and I'm too needy .

That's not going to help you or your relationship because all of those feelings are still there , but you're just trying to push against them and internalize them and model them up and I promise you they will come back with a vengeance .

So rather than that , I think , tending to them and really being with those emotions , holding them and feeling the discomfort of them , but offering yourself what do I need ? What do I need in this moment ? What conversations need to be had with my partner ? How could we do things differently next time , in a way that we can meet in the middle ?

How can I get what I desire by way of love and support and connection , and they can still be their own person , who ? It doesn't have to veer into that realm of control and demand and accusation and blame . This is really the work of secure relating . It's not just making your stuff your soul problem . I think that that's again .

It can be a bit of a pendulum swing . We go from hurling attacks and blame and hand grenades at each other to starting to do this work , and then we can internalize everything and go oh , I think it's just me and I'll spend the rest of my life in self-analysis and trying to figure out all the answers without ever having to bother someone .

I think , as always , we want to find our way to a healthy middle ground where we can take responsibility . For our part , we can go through those processes of self-regulation and tending to ourselves first and foremost , but then still feeling like we can and indeed sometimes we should still be bringing things to a partner or a person .

This doesn't have to be romantic , bringing things to the table and having conversations that allow for all of that to be there , but in a way that is really grounded and honest and open and loving and desiring a mutually beneficial solution .

So I hope that that's been a helpful reframe on this whole experience of taking things personally and the tendency to beat ourselves up over that and maybe judge ourselves as being overly sensitive , and recognizing that that can just add fuel to the fire , add more tension to your emotional landscape that's already under stress .

So I do hope that that has been helpful . If you've enjoyed this episode as always , super grateful . If you can leave a comment on Spotify , leave a review on Apple Podcasts or a rating , share it with the people in your life . I do appreciate all of you so much . Thank you for 100 episodes of On Attachment and I'll see you again next time . Thanks , guys .

Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment . If you want to go deeper on all things attachment , love and relationships you can find me on Instagram , at Stephanie underscore , underscore rig or at Stephanierigcom , and if you enjoyed this episode , I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating . It really does help so much .

Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon .