Get value you can't argue with at Tesco with their amazing club card prices. Have the perfect night in with our finest frozen pizza meal deal. Get the finest frozen pizza, chips and ice cream all for six euro like our delicious spicy salami, hot honey and do you or Margarito wood fired pizzas served up with their crispy chunkie chips and ice cream like Sea sil de caramel or pistachio for dessert. Can't argue with that shop in store or
online Tesco. Every little helps available at most stores. Prices vary in express.
Ologites. Okay, just a few more days until we're back in the swing of things and I'm back back with all new, fresh episodes, starting with a brand new minisod that will serve as a companion to this encore. But I've been saving this episode to replay for about five years. The time is right. The guest has changed my life in so many ways, which is why we're doing that follow up minisod with her with a bunch of updates and even some tips on what's helped me Your Internet
Lady Dad the last few months. When processing the farewell of your my dad. That'll be new and up in a few days, but for now, settle in. This is one of the best episodes we've ever done. It's time. It's time to rehear it. This was the sixth episode ever published back in twenty seventeen, when I was editing it myself and using six dollars mic cables. And I've learned some lessons. Okay, poor boy, Wow, Okay, here we go.
So from the moment I heard that this ology existed, I knew I wanted to run as far away from it as humanly possible, which then made it obvious that I should dive into it sooner rather than later. So in fact, when I sat down with this week's guest, the first thing I said was that I'm a little anxious about mortality. And she said she'd listen to other episodes, and I picked up on that.
And I was like, oh, we have this locked and loaded.
She had my number. Now. I've wanted to do a project about ologies for over a decade, and each time I write out ologies, my computer autocorrect sed to eulogies and I get a little shiver. I get a little scared. And then the wind whispers at me, Hellie, one day everyone you know and love will be eaten by a fungus and rotting back into the earth. And so I guess guess why I don't like it, even just the word eulogies heby Geebi's okay, I can tell you though.
After recording this episode, I felt way better. It's weird, so you're gonna have to listen to figure out how and why that worked. It's probably gonna be a long ass episode. I don't know. I haven't put it all together yet. I'm just starting to edit it, but it's gonna be worth it. Listen when you're like cleaning out the shed, or I don't know, baiting an elephant when
you've got a lot to do. Or you can break it up and listen to the last half after, but listen the whole thing because it might seriously change the way you live. First things first, panatology, etymology now the word straight up Greek mythology thanatose just being the god of death and dying. What a god? Apparently he was referred to often but seen seldom, kind of like one of those weird exes that everyone talks about but you
hope you never run into a brunch. So not only was he the Bringer of mortality, but he also he had super shitty siblings, like the whole family sucked. Among them, one sibling the God of old age, another the God of Retribution, the God of Suffering, the God of deception, the God of doom, another sibling the God of strife, and yet another one of his homies, the God of Blame.
So first off, I.
Come from a really big, large Catholic family and that is still a lot of kids. Secondly, they sound awful. So humans fear death much. I wanted to to grips with it. A few months ago, I wound up doing some light Instagram stocking of the hashtag Thanatologist, and up popped the feed of this fresh faced, mohawked woman in Cincinnati, and I followed her the case I ever wound up in Cincinnati and I wanted to talk about death. Wouldn't
you know it? A few weeks before Halloween, I flew in to shoot Innovation Nation, which is my other job, and I was able to coerce this woman to meet me in the hotel lobby of a Hampton End at nine thirty pm on a Tuesday, where we chatted about mortality and the best way to be buried, and what people regret on their deathbeds, and why you shouldn't shit talk anyone in a hospital, and why we're also scared.
But more importantly, we talked about just being alive. And that's kind of where I was shocked, because this guest, in just over an hour, stripped a lot of the darkness from death and honestly helped me a shitload. I felt like I should have paid her at the end of it, and I didn't. Maybe I still should. Anyway, we talk about disposition methods. Do you get buried or do you fling yourself via catapult into a pile of burning mattresses, whatever, But I didn't want to make this
all about fear and gore of death. You can get that somewhere else. This episode is about death and dying as much as it is about being alive. Now it's getting released on Halloween, so I hope as you listen, you remember that you are sitting on a subway full of human skeletons, and you are a big bag of blood and atoms in a skin suit, and more importantly, you are alive. So please let your mind and heart
get blown away by phanatologist Cole and Perry. All right, let's get right down to some real bare bones questions. What is thanatology?
So, first of all, it's the study of death and dying. And to me, death is the easy part. The dying part is much more fascinating and rich and deep and intense than the actual death part. There is also no such thing as a job of like just being a panatologist, okay, because I've looked, and nobody will pay me to just walk around and know about death and dying. So what I have found is thanatology is an enhancer. It is something that enhances whatever you already are.
And that will help you with whatever your other job is, like a school counselor who's also a panatologist something like that.
There's actually thousands of panatologists that are certified. I'm an intense and like a very intense individual, so I had to get not only one panatology certification, I had to get two, which is all of them as far as I know.
So one of her certifications is an integrative phanatology. But now she is triple certified, possibly the only triple certified phanatologist in the world, and She also started her own school, the School of American Anatology. So more on all the cool things she's been up to in the Fresh twenty twenty two minisod that'll be dropping in a few days. But one of her certifications is integrative thanatology, and I did not know what that was.
We looked at in that program more of the like esoteric stuff, funky stuff.
What would you count as funky death stuff?
Well, one of my most favorite pieces of that training program was about the use of psilocybin and other hallucinogenics at the end of life, because we're finding that those can help your death. Like it can be great, it can mitigate a lot of pain, but it can also help with things like existential pain. Keyword existential pain, if you don't know, is something like where usually it happens on your deathbed. It's when you're confronting all this stuff from your life, like am I a good person? What
is a good person? Or where do I go after I die? Those can be actually very very painful things to think about because they're all attached to all kinds of junk from the life that we lived. Religious stuff, think about how you were raised, religiously all the way to your end of your life and all the baggage you pick up with that stuff.
What happens if you have those thoughts all day, every day.
Welcome to my life. Yeah, I think about this stuff a lot, and a lot of people do. One of the problems I see socially in the United States is that these big questions, they're not uncommon, but the problem is we don't really have containers for them. It just doesn't exist, and it's not necessarily appropriate party conversation or water cooler conversation. So we don't have a place for these big conversations to live, so we end up keeping
all that inside. And I think that that is sad because talking about death it's one of the It's a great easy way to be really intimate with somebody and to really connect with someone on a deeper level. And I find that when you talk about something like death and dying, you leave feeling like way more connected to the world, and it can actually be very positive and freeing.
Well, take me back a little bit to how you grew up. When did you have an interest in death and dying and when did you decide that you weren't terrified of it.
Yes, interesting question. So growing up, I never had a crazy death experience as a child, So I never had anything crazy happen. But it is something that I've always been immensely comfortable with and really interested in and really enjoyed. An interesting girl. Anyway, several months ago, the mother of my best friend in grade school mailed me a card that I made for my best friend in third grade when her dog died, and it was full of me
writing about the meaning of the loss and grief. And it was really interesting to look back and see my thoughts and stuff on death and dying as a child. And I don't know where I picked that up, because I didn't grow up in a funeral home. I didn't grow up around around that at all. I just kind of entered the earth with that sort of like software expansion pack already in Do you think.
You carried it over from a past life? Science people? I was kidding, Actually, what does science say about the afterlife? Well? I read a whole article by lauded cosmologist and physics professor Sean Carroll. He said, the laws of physics underlying everyday life are completely understood and there's no way within those laws to allow for the information stored in our
brains to persist after we die. And a fun note, the week after this episode went up in twenty seventeen, Doctor Carroll tweeted out his writings on it and added quote, of course nothing is impossible or proven wrong. That's not how science works. But some things are so unlikely we shouldn't take them seriously. And it's obviously hotly debated, and in my mind it is the most exciting mystery about
life itself. And more on historical thoughts on the soul and the afterlife a bit later in this episode.
Anyway, looking into death and dying opens up thoughts and ideas and just it makes you question so many of the things that you think that you know. And it's only when you're pushing yourself to these different areas where things are uncomfortable, that you can really grow. And that's the purpose of life, right is to grow, to just continue to expand until you die, until you die. What about what about your schooling?
At what point did you start steering your your academics toward death and dying.
I don't know. I've always kind of been into it. I mean, even in high school. I wrote about death and dying a lot, and I had it in a bunch of my papers, so I've always had it in there. My purpose in life is to positively change the way that we die in the United States in my lifetime. That's my goal, just putting it out there. And I have felt that way for a very very long time. And there's no magic thing I can say that was like, oh well, like I almost died and then this thing happened.
It's like, no, I've just this is what I'm supposed to do, So I'm trying to do it. It's hard, though.
What does your job entail, Like what's a typical day like or typical week like for you? Are you involved with like a funeral planning or ebombing or speaking to the public, Like what kind of stuff do you do?
Okay, So I do not have a traditional nine to five job. I own a small consulting firm called DOTH and we specialize in death care. So one of the ways that I'm change in the way that we die is people like funeral home cemeteries, crematories, those businesses. I know those businesses really well how they work, and they'll hire my company to help make them better.
She also travels all over the country giving keynote speeches on death and grief and dying, and in the five years since this first aired, she opened the School of American Danatology. She's also in the new Netflix series The Future of She's in the episode Life After Death. She's so good in it. We're going to go over more updates in the upcoming minutisote. Oh and her hair was purple when we recorded this, but her signature elegant pompadour with the shaved sides and back is now shades of
ochre and green. I called it a mohawk in twenty seventeen, but that's not really accurate. And also that term in the style is considered reserved for indigenous sculptures, So forgive my twenty seventeen misnomer. But yes, she has awesome hair. Let's get back to death. Are you afraid of dying or are you excited about it to see what happens?
So okay, let's talk about death and dying, right. So death? Death is like just when you die, like you're dud, the light switches off. The dying process leading up to the death. That is the thing that I am most concerned with and the thing that tends to be cause the most issues for people, because you could be dying for months or years, and then there's this whole question
about when do you start dying. I mean, some would argue you start dying at birth technically right, but then you get into actively dying, which is when your body is in the shutdown process, which there is kind of an order of things that happen.
First, let's get all up in death's business and define it. Death is the cessation of all vital functions of the body, including the heartbeat, brain activity including the brain stem, and breathing. Some researchers say that there is an evidence to suggest that there's a burst of brain energy as someone dies. Is reading this article about near death experiences, and about eighteen percent of people who had them reported being able to recall some portion of what happened when they were
clinically dead. So, according to some researchers, the conditions that make you have near death experiences, like low oxygen and low blood flow and low blood sugar, those can kill your brain cells and then the brain just doesn't know what to do. It responds by having this flood of chemicals and it's apparently very similar to the drug ketamine, and that is what they think produces out of body sensations and hallucinations and all the cool shit that happens
when you die. This info was from an article written by author and science journalist Jennifer Willett. Now, remember that physicist Sean Carroll I mentioned earlier. They're married. That is a lot of good brains in one relationship. I went ahead and emailed them both and I said, Hey, do you guys talk about cool stuff like this over dinner while you're grocery shopping. Jennifer wrote me back and said, we actually do talk about things like this, but not always.
Other times we talk about our kiddies. Yeah, what happens?
Okay, So what happens when you're actively dying from sort of a medical viewpoint, your body shuts down. It has a process and there's kind of an order that it follows, just like when you're born. Birth and death are actually very very similar. And a lot of people ask me like, oh, I'm so afraid to die, like is it going to hurt? And I always ask I'm like, you know, I haven't died, so I can't tell you. But I'll ask do you remember your birth? Did it hurt when you were born?
They'll be like, well, no, no. The word on the street is it's pretty similar. So the last sense that remains, because your senses will shut down, Oh they go hearing, they go in order. They don't necessarily go in order. There are people who would argue probably that they do. But I'm also a hospice volunteer. I've been with people as they're dying, and everybody's death is different. As you're actively dying, hearing tends to be the last sense that
is there. So like, imagine that you're the dying person. You can't see, you can't smell, you can't taste, and your sense of feeling is kind of like, okay, have you ever gone to the dentist and they put that lead thing over top of you and you get an X ray? Like, imagine that that is the feeling that you have. That's kind of a good way to describe when you start to lose your sense of feeling. So everything's dark, you can't talk, but all you can do
is here. That's kind of where you go, plus your foggy That's a good way that I can kind of describe the shutdown process, which not everybody has that. That's a disclaimer, but that's kind of how it kind of can go.
So you should never shit talk to someone while they're on their deathbed.
That is right, because they can hear day, Yes, they can, yep. And that's why one of the things that if you're ever with someone who's dying, you need to always talk to them and say what you're doing. Their body may be reacting in a way that makes you think that they're long gone, but they may not be, because a lot of times when you're dying, you lose control, but you're still hearing, but we know that the hearing is there.
Another sign of active death is it's often called the death rattle, but it has to do with usually when you're actively dying, your mouth is open and you're breathing out of your mouth and it's like it's sort of congestion. And that can be really scary for people to hear who are not dying, because it's like, oh, this has getting real, but it's not something that the dying person necessarily feels or is aware of, because your remember, they're kind of shutting down.
I feel like that would be scary to hear even if you were another dying person, they'd be scared to hear if you're not dying, and as well if you are happen to be dying next to them, like are you going? Am I going?
Yeah?
Who's going first?
Is this okay?
Is a lot of the work you focus on in terms of dying, usually the death is a result of an illness or what about traumatic deaths or more sudden perishing.
So in my work, so I am not I'm not a counselor, I'm not like a medical professional, but I do have the opportunity to be brought into or involved with specific death situations and scenarios. Man, humans can die in all kinds of ways. Statistically, my Brosol number is twenty percent of all people will die in an ICU, an intensive care unit. Really, yes, but ninety percent of Americans want to die at home, So keep that in mind. You want hospice. It is good, it is next level care.
But the problem in the United States is we don't deal with death. We don't like to think about it or talk about it. So we will do these last ditch efforts like things that put you in an intensive care unit, when we know the outcomes, you're going to die from this, when you really should have just gotten on hospice and just wrote out the last few months really comfortably, not in pain, and not with tubes and all kinds of junk coming out of your.
Bod twenty twenty two. Alley Here, as a person who has just spent the last several months bedside with someone in hospice at home who died peacefully during his afternoon snooze, I can confirm it is filled with so much quality time and care. So if you die at home in hospice with friends or family caring for you, what a lovely way to say farewell. But what if you're not lucky, if you're wringing your hands convinced that you're going to be eaten by a shark. Let's look at statistically, what
causes deaths at least in the United States. Number one heart disease, two, cancer, three respiratory disease. Four is accidents. And that kind of threw me off because I thought it would be another illness, but who knew. Essentially, the fourth biggest threat to each of us is just gravity in a nutshell, I mean, brush up on physics. Make sure you wear a bike helmet. Maybe don't climb the roof on a snowy day trying to hang like an
illuminated candy cane or something. It's not worth it. Also twenty twenty two update, things have changed a little and the third leading cause of death COVID, according to the Journal of the American Medical Association. So there is that.
So that's most likely probably going to be what you die of.
So not of embarrassment like I've oftentimes thought would be the cause of my death.
Yes, and from all my work with death and dying and seeing all kinds of stuff over the years, the thing that makes life life, that makes it special, that makes it meaningful, is the fact that we die. If we didn't die, Like, the whole reason it means anything is because it ends. And so it's difficult for me to I mean, that's awesome because for science we need to understand what makes us die, what makes us live.
But death is very important and it's critical, and it's an important life cycle event that happens to all of us, and it is what makes life meaningful.
I guess if you lived at Disneyland, you wouldn't be as excited about going to Disneyland, you know what I mean.
That's right.
Life is kind of like a short term stint at a theme park. You know it's going to end, so you better enjoy it. I suppose, yes, But you personally, how is your work and your focus on death and mortality changed the choices that you make on.
A day to day basis just being exposed and around even just stories and things like that. I am so grateful for my life day to day, but it's maybe hyper aware that it ends, because I've seen people on their deathbed who are facing a lot of regrets about the stuff they didn't do. Not the stuff they did. It's all the stuff they didn't do, really like what just businesses that they didn't start, or girls they didn't chase after, or the kids that they didn't have, or
the risks that they didn't take. It's the stuff that you didn't do right. And sometimes it's more painful to see someone who's dying grappling with those questions than it is to see someone who's dying in physical pain.
To be honest, the anguish emotionally is worse than the pain.
Yes, wow, deep, we're getting heavy that I tend to bring that with me wherever I go.
I mean, this is about dead and dying. I think about this stuff like all day every day. I'm I used to have nightmares about graveyards. I had this recurring nightmare that I was walking through a graveyard and and coffins were overturned. And I had a fear of graveyards where I would get I would start panicking when I was a kid just driving past them. So I've always been really really spooked by by dead bodies, by morgues,
by cemeteries. And I also grew up Catholic, so we had open castete funerals, so they were like, go kiss your dead great grandma, and you're like, I'm eight, we know, but here we go. So I mean, do you find that that death is something people can accept over time or are there people who can deal with it and people who.
Can They're well that multifaceted look at that, Like, so okay, people who tend to be more religious, statistically, by some studies also tend to be more afraid of dying. Why interesting, right, Well, because and it's interesting because like my mom's side is Catholic, and I went to Catholic school and there was always this talk of like when you die, you are you going to go up or down? I mean, I feel like we had to bring this up every single day. So I feel like is a growing up Catholic that
was always talked about, but we don't. It was never talked about in any depth beyond that. It was just like you're going to be judged if you're good or you're bad.
It was like Santa almost like someone's going to decide if you're on the good list or bad list, and you might go to an after party in the sky or you might have hell fire forever, yes, which you're like, death is terrifying because you're like, what happens if, like I steal someone's parking space and then I get hit by a bus five minutes later? Where am I going? Yes, yep.
I remember as a kid like being anxious about like, oh, I like took a piece of paper from my best friend Becky, and now I'm going to go to hell I'm pretty sure, like and just being really like conserve of that anyway at the end of life, depending on how someone was raised, just religious values or just cultural values that really goes a long way and impacting how well or not well, they're able to talk about or
deal with death and dying. I have Okay, this is if you are listening to this and you know someone in your family who is avoiding death or who needs to talk about or you need to talk about it with them. Talking about death is like trying to approach a deer in the woods. You cannot go directly at a deer because it will run away. But if you go around the side and curve around some trees and come up and be like, hey, you know, then you can get close to it, and then you might be
able to actually touch. So talking about death usually directly doesn't work well for I'd say sometimes most people, but coming at it from the side, you know, and kind of easing around it, that tends to be much more effective in getting there.
Are you at what age should people have a will? Because I'm realizing I'm sitting here, We're sitting in a hotel conference room in Cincinnati, and I'm like, I don't have a will. I don't have a do I I don't know what a testament is of? Okay, will versus testament samesias roughly the same thing. Now. They started about sixty nine dollars if you want to get them through legal Zoom, who is not sponsoring this podcast, so you're welcome legal Zoom. There's also a book and it's called
I'm Dead Now What? And it is a planner you can put like your passwords, what to do with your pets, what you want them to do with your body, et cetera in it. I look this up on Amazon and there are a few reviews that are like helpful book, not feeling the title. And there's a competing book and I looked at it, same table of contents, verbatim, and it's published by the same company. But there's I'm Dead Now What. And then they make an identical book called
a Peace of Mind Planner. Know your demo, people, know your brand. No wills. Did they all have to be notarized? I thought so, but not necessarily. I thought you had to sign them in blood and a priest had to put like a special stamp on them.
Not so.
It does depend on your state, so check first. There are also a few different flavors of wills, and their names sound like race horses or they sound like smoothies at like a really obnoxious juicery. There's a holographic will This just means it's in your handwriting. That's convenient. There's mystic will, which is sealed until your demise, a will in solemn form that's a legit one that's signed by
you and some witnesses. And then there's a living will, and that is a directive for your medical care if some shit goes down, pretty much like when to pull the plug. That's totally different than it will living will, totally different thing. Now, of course Cole is covered on this front, not truly.
Yeah, well, I mean I'm sitting here in a hotel being interviewed about my expertise and death is dying and I don't have a will.
Why don't you?
I just said, my god, I'm just too busy working on deatha dying to do my own will. I mean, here's the deal. Yes, you should have one. I mean, when you're an adult, you should have you should have something. You should have one. You should have something. I did write up a sheet about like some things like if I died and my husband died, who would take my beagles? Like who I would want them to go to? And it's like in an email, So you know, having that's
better than nothing. But the problem is when we die. A lot of times wills are these like notes usually aren't found until after the funeral because when someone dies then it's like all hands on deck to get the person you know buried or cremate or whatever, and that stuff isn't looked at.
Till after the fact.
Also, FYI, what you want to happen with your funeral? A lot of times if you put it in your will, depending on state law, it's not like valid or enforceable.
So you have to sell your loved ones, like shoot me out of a cannon or plant my ashes in a pumpkin patch or something.
Yes, your best bet is to tell the people who will be the ones making decisions about what happens to you, like while you're alive, and be real clear about it.
What do you want to have happened to you when you die?
So I actually at this point because it's changed over the last ten years, because I see everything death and dying all the time. Right now, I would like to be buried in a sort of green cemetery and then just wrapped in a shroud. It's called a shroud. It's like not actually like a full on casket or coffin you're kind of wrapped in fabric like swaddled. It's like a little death swaddle.
I would say, it's like a like a death pejme.
Yes, mine will be stylish. It might be purple.
So, and so the ways of being disposed of, Let's say, I hear you can get planted underneath some tree roots. You can get cremated, like what is the best for the planet.
Yes, okay, So disposition method is the lingo for what you do with your dead body, just in case you want to know about that. So the two most common disposition methods in the United States are burial or cremation, and about one in every two bodies in the United States is cremated. Now it was not.
Like that half half. Yeah.
Wow, cremation just went over the fifty percent mark. Very exciting time.
Do you have like a you have a scoreboard in your office?
Yes, yep, yep, I got a ticker. So, and what's interesting is like state by state it really varies. So like Kentucky, which is where I live, where are I think a bottom five state for our cremation rate, Like we're a burial state. But if you go out to like Nevada or Arizona, like Washington State, I think, is like eighty ninety percent cremation rate. Really yeah, so you can go all over the country and what you do with your body differs significantly.
Okay, aside to this aside, I'm sorry for a side seption, but SINCEUS was recorded, Cole no longer lives in Kentucky. More on that in a bit. I just looked up a map of the United States, colored state by state according to the popularity of cremation. Then I looked up red states versus blue states, and they are almost the same map.
So this is the two main There's also something called alkaline hydrolysis, which is legal I believe in thirteen states now only, and it's like your body plus water plus lie, which LIE is also I learned how to make soap this past year, and so you use LYE in soap making, just like you do when you want to alkaline hydraullyze yourself. So at the end of sometimes they'll call it like liquid cremation or water cremation. That's just kind of the word they use. But at the end of that process,
you know how when you're cremated, cremated remains are left. Yeah, at the end of alkaline hydrolysis. It's basically the same end product, except your there's not fire that does it to you. It's water technically, or this chemical reaction.
But is it Is it moist?
No, it's dry? Okay, all the liquid and stuff go all right to the dream.
You imagine if someone just had a bucket of Grandpa and you're like, thank you, it's moist.
Okay.
I'm gonna give you the quick rundown on how alkaline hydrolysis works. I'm gonna just tell you, like it's a recipe, Okay. You take one human body, not living, and you add ninety two gallons of water four gallons of lye. Essentially, you put it into a big chamber preheated to around three hundred and fifty three hundred and sixty degrees, let simmer under pressure for four hours, and then you just drain off the excess, which is kind of the texture of motor oil, and then what's left are some well
cooked bones. It's easy. Is this kind of like what happened in the in the very beginning of Breaking Bad? Didn't they try to dispose of a body in a bathtub that way?
You see hydrofluoric acid won't eat through plastic. It will, however, dissolve metal, rock, glass, ceramic.
So there's that. That was an acid bath. This is an alkaline bath. Also, don't diy either of these ever. Okay, Now, some other disposition methods are buried at sea. There's also promestion, which is a technique invented by the Swedish biologist. This process she invented. It's where your freeze dried kind of like astronaut ice cream, and then you are vibrated into dust and it's said to be pretty eco friendly. You can also be a tree pod. This is a thing
invented in Italy. It's called caps Mundi and it means world box and it looks like a huge dusty easter egg. And they pose your body in the fetal position. Then they pop you in the ground and they plant a tree of your choosing as long as it's indigenous to the region on top of you, and then the tree kind of slowly eats you and you become the tree. Side note not legal in Italy yet. There's also Viking funerals. I think a lot of people want to go out
this way. This is where you set a boat on fire with flaming arrows, and I went down a rabbit hole watching mortician and founder of the Death Positive movement, Caitlin dodi'es. She's got a YouTube channel called Ask Mortician, very good, and I wanted to figure out if Viking funerals were legal. Yeah, that's a big no on that. They are not only illegal, but they're also ineffective. They're not hot enough for long enough, so you would be
kind of like a floating burnt chicken, which is super bummer. Now, sky burial, this is where zat fam. I did not know what this process was called, so I googled funeral Mongolia eaten by birds and zip zob zoom right to the wiki for sky burial. Now, in Tibet and Inner Mongolia, the ground is too rocky to dig you a hole, so they feed you to carry and eaters. Okay, I'm looking at this right now. Okay, well, all right, just
pulled up some images. All right, Okay. I thought that maybe this would be like a lonely mountaintop situation with maybe birds taking a nibble here and there, but the birds are pretty hip to the process. I don't want to go into doo much detail. I'm just going to ask that you envision this instead. This is this is a parallel. So picture a European town square, cobblestone, cloudy day, a large flock of pigeons bustles nearby, and onto the
stone you lay one steaming hot aromatic everything bagel. Picture what would happen. Now, That is the type of eager consumption involved with a sky burial where your body is fed to vultures. Now, if your goal in life was ultimately just to be wanted, then then sky burial is clutch. Folks, I regret learning as much about that as I just did. Sometimes when I get weird and sad about death, I think it's cool that all of our molecules are just recycled. Yep.
And hopefully there's part of me that used to be a frog. And it would be cool if part of my body now went on to become somehow a frog. I don't know why a frog.
Yeah, But like I guess, if you eat.
A than part of your body becomes a frog. But the idea, or rather part of a frog becomes your body. You know what I'm saying. I'm not on psilocybin, but becoming another living animal sounds like less harsh for some reason.
Yes, yes, yes.
You.
What makes you you, all of your parts and pieces, has been around long before you were in you, and you will continue to be around in different forms. I believe that. I mean, that's just science, right.
The you that is sitting there knitting while listening to this, or driving, or putting a stamp on a birthday card to your mom is made out of dying stars. Stars die and implode and the atoms change, and it lands on a planet and it's rearranged to become you now. Astronomer, astrophysicist, and beloved turtleneck aficionado Carl Sagan is known for saying the nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon and our apple
pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of star stuff. So if someone didn't return your text, or you thought you'd get more likes on a selfie than you did, it does not matter. You are a walking Tetris fortress of exploding Starshit and no one can fuck with that. And it's great. Okay, So Cole gets personal with me here.
Let me ask you this with you say you think about death and dying, right, what scares you about that? Or like what is the thing that like makes you sad?
Or you know, I think about my own death. What freaks me out is the the like surprise of it is the not knowing when it's coming. Yeah, Like if it feels like walking around all day in white pants and someone's like, you're gonna get your period at some point today and you're like, god damn it. And so it's just this idea that like, this thing's gonna happened,
but you won't have any control over it. It could be tomorrow, it could be when you're eighty, but you don't get to decide, and it's the biggest moment of your life and you don't get to decide when or how or where, you know what I mean.
Yes, So, first of all our own deaths, like usually it just like happens to us. Usually we have to deal with death only when other people are dying. And that can also, more often than not, be the harder one to choose, because you don't get to pick when your sister dies or your brother dies. But it'll happen. You get the call and then you got to jump in or drop everything and deal with it right, and your whole life can be like, yeah, discombobulated with our
own deaths. No, we don't know when they're happening, but we know it is happening guaranteed. And if we spend too much time in the future, which is worry, or too much time in the past, which is ruminating, we end up missing out on the present. And you know what we regret when we die, Like when everything flashes before you, it's all those present moments that we just skipped out on. I mean, how much of your I think about when I'm on my freaking cell phone and
I pick it up without it. Have you ever been in line and you look at Instagram and then you get to the front of the line and you pull your phone up again to look at Instagram, Like, I'm not actually like doing anything worthwhile with my life, and at my end of life, how am I going to feel about the number of times that I checked Instagram? Do you know what I mean?
Right?
So, the best way to combat this death anxiety is what I would call that is this idea of being like freaked out about, oh my god, I'm going to die and I have no idea when and where and how that's going to happen. Is to be as present in your day to day life as possible. And humans, we are wired, all animals are to seek out stability, safety, shelter, and comfort. Right while not knowing what's going to happen
causes anxiety is the opposite of that. So there are One of the most powerful things ibody can do is to work hard to get really clear about what your purpose in life is or why you're here, or what
you are most passionate about. Like for me when I I had a real hard time coming to terms with like that I love death and dying because just how I was raised and where I grew up, what part of the country I grew up, like I should I felt a lot of pressure to like, man, I should be a nurse, I should get married and have a bunch of kids, and like homeschool then maybe, but like big cookies regularly too, like all these pressures, and it was real hard for me to come to terms with like, Okay,
this is what I'm here to do. And a lot that's how it is for a lot of people with what their purpose in life is. A lot of times it's the thing that you have a hard time accepting that that's what you're good at and that's what you're meant to do. So anyway, being clear about that can really help reduce death anxiety and also help you like do stuff with your life, like accomplish things so that you're not kind of spinning your wheels.
Do you take more risks in your life, like creatively or personally keeping that in mind, like like you have amazing hair. You have like almost a purple mohawk, Like is there a part of you that's just like, you know what, I want to live my life with a purple mohawk, and I'm not going to worry about what anyone wants me to, you know, like you know, have a blonde bob or anything. Like I'm gonna do what i want to do and be who I'm going to be because you have end of life.
On mind, like in mind, absolutely without a doubt. Has taught me over the years it's always better to be myself. And apparently I'm a purple haired person. When I'm myself, I have more I have met more people and had more people in my life since I've had a haircut that I just really enjoyed, yeah, than when I was having one that you know, resent this right, and it is very freeing and liberating to be who you are, but it's also real hard to be who you are.
Get to it's like, yeah, to accept who you are, that's the step number one. But once you start to do that, you can start to you're outside shows who were on the inside. I know we're like talking about all this like life meaning stuff, but all of this is like directly related to death and dying.
Did you have a moment where you realized that you weren't being yourself and that you wanted you kind of had a pivot or do you think it was like a gradual kind of bolstering of your own self esteem and confidence and sense of self or did you have a moment where you were like, you know what, fuck this and then you just started doing what you wanted?
You know, I did in the past few years. So currently online there's all this posts about like me too, me too, right, right, right, right. So I was assaulted several years ago and I actually pressed charges and I did the whole deal that, like I mean, I took it all the way and going through an experience like that, which is another thing that you don't have control of. You don't know if someone's gonna mug you, you don't know if you're going to be the victim of some
random thing. I mean, we're all afraid of dying, but there's all kinds of other crazy stuff that can happen
to you. I'm so you know what. It sucks, and I still am dealing with it all these years later, But that horrific experience connects me to so many people that I would not be able to be connected to without it, And for that I'm grateful, because the worst thing in life is to be alone, Yes, to feel like you're alone, And even when something terrible happens to you, you can feel so alone when it happens, but you know what, it doesn't take very long and you find
a bunch of other people that had been there too, and just it sucks, but there is some level of good there. And I find that with my work and death and dying, Like when people are actually on their deathbeds and things, what people remember is like the things that made you weird or distinct, or the crazy experiences that happened to you, that's what sticks around, not that you dotted all your eyes and crossed all your teas, and you responded to every email.
In your inbox.
That doesn't matter at the end of your life, and when you look back over what you did, what matters is like, what where are the explosions in your life? You know, where was the crazy stuff? That's yeah, that's life. I mean I feel like death is salt. Death is the salt of life. And you live your whole lives and every day, every week, you're putting ingredients in that soup, and then when you die, death comes in. Now it's the salt, and your death is a reflection of how
you lived. And so if you were a bitter, angry, closed off person your whole life who always had a chip on the shoulder and an axe to grind, you're gonna Swoop's going to be nasty at the end of life, and no one's going to want to have any of it, and no one's going to want to know what the
recipe was. But if you die and you are happy and you put good in the world and you embrace as much as you could, even the really terrible stuff, yeah, people are going to want to know the recipe, right, that's amazing and that's how you live.
Yeah, do you have to use in your experience that what you know, things that you've been through and also in your work and death and dying. Do you look at the grieving process? Do you apply the grieving process to things that you've encountered in your own life or do you think it's a grieving process is really specific just to death.
So I kind of believe we're grieving our whole lives. And there's something called a big death and a little death, which is just like my own terminology. We all know little death is also a term for right, Yeah, So but like a little death is something like I would call it, like when I was assaulted. That was a little like a death was actually a huge death for me because it was like my sense of like safety and security and just like that died, like I will
never be the same moving forward. I mean, it permanently alters you, and so I had to grieve the loss of like the way life was before that happened. Little deaths can be like when you have a miscarriage or you get fired. I mean you grieve that stuff. A big death is one like a human or an animal that you knew or loved dies. Okay, And a lot of times the big deaths are easier to deal with and get through because you have a dead body somewhere.
It's harder to deal with the deaths in life that like don't have a corpse involved, like you know, divorce or your best friend just ghosted you or something. I mean, that can be horrific to go through those things.
Little update. So Cole has since coined the perfect term for this. She calls it shadow loss, those little deaths and those events that insight overlooked grief. She's done and ted X talk about it. She's written extensively on the topic of shadow loss and if you are like woman, please write a book on this. She's on it also any publishers listening to this. Cole is repped by Aaron Malone at William Morris Endeavor. In case you want to
talk about getting dabs on her book. How does the grieving process in a healthy way help you through those things? What are the real cornerstones of the grieving process of getting through stuff like that?
So, first of all, the grieving process is a roller coaster. Elizabeth Coogler Ross is known for her five Stages of grief.
The five pack denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.
But that's often portrayed as it goes in order, and it doesn't like you'll wake up one day and be angry and then the next day you'll be like, oh, you know what's cool, I get it, and then the next day you're in denial about it. So you kind of flip around. I believe that you can grieve non deaths, divorce, all this other kind of hard stuff, and it puts
you in the same vulnerable position. How many have you ever had something that you've dealt with in your life that wasn't a death, but it like threw you off your rocker, and you like missed meetings and just things were just all kurfluffled. Yeah, you're like, it's the bereaved brain. It's a real thing and it's real.
And what about other animals? Are you fascinated by how elephants or primates grieve as well?
Oh?
Yeah, And if anything, it makes me sad sometimes because I'm a big animal lover, and animals have, in my opinion, the same depth of emotion that humans do.
Evidently, until nineteen eighties, the notion that animals had emotions was schmaltzy. People weren't into it, And then using imaging, researchers started looking at brain activity of animals and we're like oopsie. In twenty twelve, a group of neuroscientists attended a conference on Consciousness in Human and non human Animals and together they signed the Cambridge Declaration on Consciousness in Non Human Animals, which says, hey, assholes, animals are conscious
and their brains can feel shit. We're all on the same page with this. Get on our level. Just to be clear, that wasn't That wasn't verbatim.
Humans are not that different than animals. We really are not. We all get sad, we all grieve with looking at the pantatology, you'll see how deeply connected death is to life.
Then why is death so sad? I know that that is like such a general question, But why do we cry at funerals? Why do we create movies? What do you think that sadness is?
So?
If I was gonna be like scientific or analytical about this response only and have that hot hat on, I'd say it's because of change. Humans don't like change because we're built to seek out stability and safety, right, And what is change not safety? Right? So I need to So death forces a change, and usually a death is not just like oh so, and so it isn't in my life anymore, Okay, Like when my grandma died, my grandpa died first, then my grandma died on my mom's side.
When she died, the hierarchy of the family kind of shifted because then it wasn't holidays at grandma's house anymore. It kind of branched down, and then like the aunts and uncles started hosting their own holiday events. Right. So a death is never just the body is gone. It's like all this other stuff attached to it, and it's change. And that's what makes it so hard and why I
think sad and all those kinds of emotions. If I was putting on my like more touchy feely side, I'd say, it's so sad when something dies because of love, because we love because that's what people do. And it's hard to shift from loving somebody who you know. It's a two way street when you have a relationship, but when they die, you then are left having to send your love into someone that's not there more. And that can
be so hard because you're not getting the feedback. So then you have to convert to where do I put all this love that I was giving to Grandma or that I was giving to my husband or whoever right?
And that's the hard part. I now, speaking of husbands, you work with yours. Your husband is your business partner as well. So Cole's husband, Victor and Perry is tall, with bookish glasses and a very wry sense of humor. And he was actually sitting a few feet away during this entire recording, because you know what, it's weird to go to a Cincinnati Hampton at at eleven PM on a Tuesday to hang out with a stranger to talk
about corpses. I get it. And a few years ago this little Paracutes recreated the painting American Gothic for the cover of a magazine, a magazine called American Funeral Director. They are warm, wonderful, and they are ferocious pickleball players. Beware I love them. Did you guys meet through death and dying?
No, no, not at all. My business was sort of grown and my calling is death and dying. And I'm very fortunate that I have a partner who supported that. So for several years. He had a full time job. Then we grew the business, he was able to leave it. We traveled together. We're often booked to speak together.
Are there any movies about death or dying that you particularly love that it seems to strike a chord with you.
David the Nome, I don't know it, okay. David the Gnome was like a really popular cartoon series when I was a kid, and it came from Japan and came to the US and was on like PBS and like the early nineties, late eighties, and David the Nome and his wife Lisa, so the whole series is just like Gnome stuff. Basically, in the last episode, they're just like, so Gnomes only live to be four hundred years old, but they know they're going to die on their four
hundredth birthday. So he and Lisa Nome go up to a hill. So well, well, my dear David, fare well, my beloved, I thank you for all.
The love you've given me.
Or like weeping and like squirrels come and they die trees and they had a pet fox. The fox comes up there and sees his mom and dad are now trees and are dead, and then he was left and he had to walk back home was two dead parents and that was the last episode. And yeah, that's a real clincher. Yeah, you know what, it's probably not actually helpful to see that. Oops.
I watched it and cried. And if you want to watch this, it's on YouTube. The title of the clip is just David the Gnome kicks the bucket. So how do you feel about how death and dying are portrayed in popular culture?
In real life, when something when somebody dies, it is messy afterwards, because your whole life is discombobulated and you know, everything is just off kilter. But I think that is a contributing fact because we don't have exposure to examples of good coping skills really in other parts of your life unless you grew up around it, you know, or you grew up in a family that talked openly about
death and dying. And I'm an instructor at a mortuary college and I teach sanatology for a bachelor program, and so all of my students are funeral directors, are on bombers. Really interesting crowd to be able to teach because you know, I'm thinking, okay, they want to learn. I'm teaching them panatology, but they work day in and day out with death and dying, and one of the first assignments in the course is they have to tell me about their upbringing
and how they deal with death and dying. And a lot of them, even the ones who grew up in funeral homes, never actually talk or talked about death and dying with their families. There'd be dead bodies downstairs in the funeral home, but they never really like really talked about it, And that I think is the most healthy thing that any family can do, is just have real conversation about death and dying, whatever comes up, you talk about instead of it just being Grandma died. The funerals
on Wednesday. Done.
Please kiss her? Yes, if it's open casket.
On the hand, she will be cold and hard, but it's still your grandma.
So put your mouth on her.
Yeah.
Just to rewind when you say funeral home and the bodies are downstairs, I'm sorry, is that actually a home? Did you live there? And then do people and funeral homes live there? And then the bodies are downstairs.
Not all funeral homes, but some funeral homes. It's very common, and this gives a vestige of like history sort of, but like it'd be very normal for the undertaker in town to have a home. And he was also the undertaker, but he had his family there currently today. And I know a lot of even my students, they're living on like the third floor of the funeral home and like the little apartment and then the funeral home is on the main floor, and then the basement usually has like
body storage and the and all that stuff. So but I'll tell you what, So I go to a lot of the conventions and stuff in death care, and there's just some wonderful, wonderful stories about a lot of these couples, funeral director couple couples that like, you know, first date or second date and we're going back to my place and I have to tell my date that I live in a funeral home. And it's just it's just different. It's just interesting. I think it's fascinating. I think it's
also lovely. It's a great way to wed out people who can't tolerate your life.
But yeah, you know, when you're you know how people are like, oh, basements are so scary, and you're like, well, mine's an actual morgue. Yes, I actually had dead bodies, and yes, have you ever seen anything creepy? Or is your exposure and your familiarity with death and dying like kind of let you understand that, like there's nothing creepy. Ghosts aren real, Like there's there's no bumps in the night.
Yeah. Yeah, I mean regularly I'm around dead people and it doesn't bother me, and it really never has. And in terms of like being scared of stuff, actually I'm not afraid of ghosts, but like I'll be home by myself sometimes and I'll like hear a noise and I'll be like, oh my god, the demons are coming into my home because I'll have just read some book about like demonology within some like weird ass like tradition or something,
and I'm like, that demon is here. It found me because I summoned it because I read its name out loud, so I will freak I am. I am the most successful at freaking myself out. But I am not like
I don't like the ghost thing or whatever. Although I've been studying quite a bit about Tibetan Buddhism in particular, and there are traditions and Tibetan Buddhists do not play when it comes to death and dying, Like what do you die if you're a Tibetan Buddhists and you believe that they'll do like a like kind of like a horoscope at the time of your death to figure out, according to the stars when, like how long your body should be left out, so that they can identify when
the soul actually leaves your body, because you do not want to bury or cremate someone when the soul is still in there. That's what you're trying to void.
Oh so that's a party fell.
I don't know why I was talking about this. See, this is the problem ghosts. I just got ghosts. So Tibtan Buddhists, it's not getting the soul out and then but there's whole field of study within that about what happens if your soul isn't doing what it's supposed to do and it's left behind. And I have read some pretty compelling stuff over the years about those kinds of things. And I'm not saying that it's real or it's not real.
I'm just saying that those accounts exist and are very thorough and like documented and all that kind of stuff.
So I'm alone in my apartment Saturday night, and I'm looking up to Betan Ghosts for this episode, and I'm like reading about a type of spirit that is just next level bummed out ghost. It's called a hunger ghost. They have a tiny throat and a huge stomach, and they can never be satisfied. They're said to arise with traumatic deaths. Anyway, right as I'm reading about this, this happened. I quickly I turn on my phone to record it. Hi there, how are you good?
Thank you so much? Oh sweet?
That was the sound of a man coming up to my door delivering an extra large pizza to me. Just me reading about hungry ghosts. I'm meeting an extra large pizza by myself. But you know what, it's vegan and gluten free because I live in Los Angeles and I'm the worst and I don't want to die of any of those causes of death that don't involve falling off
a roof. Okay, get back to it. Do you have a book or resource that you recommend to people who are just going through the throes of like a grieving process the scal.
Her name is Joanne Fink, and she has a book because one day she woke up and her husband did not wake up with her. Very sad that I expected. So I always recommend books that are written by people that have had like whoa and she has this little book and I actually buy this book. And this is what I give out to people when they've had a loss. And it's called When you Lose Someone you Love by
Joanne Fink. I have a book that I recommend for people who like if you are going to be around someone who is like dying, like actively dying, like so that you know what to do. It's called Attending the Dying. And that's by Megarie Anderson.
Okay, okay, super important scientific question. If you could become a ghost, would you become a ghost?
I'm like thought, I'm like, I'm gonna be honest. I looked into this, really, yeah, of course I did. I will look into anything. Do not check my search history because I guarantee you it is like probably offensive in some way, but that all that information is out there and that probably makes me sound very hippy dippy. But if anything I've learned over the years, it's like I don't I don't make assumptions about anything anymore.
What does science say about the soul leaving the body?
Yes, so I love this question because this is where religious and cultural and social beliefs intersect with science, and it's where we hit the big question mark and the big conflict about are physical bodies. So there is nothing scientifically that I'm aware of that's like, oh, this is where your soul is.
So this idea of soul.
Is informed by the non physical science side of things, and it comes down to what do you believe.
So there's this whole mess of people who think that the soul is a thing and it weighs twenty one grams, partly because of the two thousand and three blockbuster twenty one grams. Now from the trailer that I just watched on YouTube, it seems to be about a bunch of sad people and Benicio del Toro's in it needing a makeover.
But this original idea stemmed from the scientific experiments of a fellow named McDougall, who in the early nineteen hundreds had this idea to wait around like a really eagle eied umpire near the dying and then scoot them over to a big scale at their big moment to see if they lost any weight as they passed, and he measured a bunch of folks and ignored most of the numbers, but he did report a small handful who lost about twenty one grams of weight as they died. He also
tried this on dogs. He wanted to at least, but he couldn't find any super sick dogs. But then suddenly he had a bunch of data on dogs and people were like, McDougall, did you poison the dogs? And he was like, huh what, No. Nobody believed him. In general, people didn't believe him because that twenty one grams of weight loss wasn't a consistent figure anyway, and also because that could just be due to sweat loss. Can I
just say that? When I was looking up the trailer for twenty one grams, YouTube suggested a video about why Hollywood doesn't care about Hillary Swank anymore, and I was like, yeah, click that, I'll take the bait. I found that video to be more depressing than the part of the web site about pod coffins that detailed waiting out Rigor Mortis before shaping you into a fetal ball and putting you into the biodegrade of lag let the woman win some oscars.
Why you got a hate honor. So some people believe in souls, some people.
Don't, because this is the thing that impacts the way that you are going to live your life or approach your life. Because if you believe that your soul's a real deal thing, that's probably going to impact your decision making process. But if you don't believe it, or if you've never heard of this concept before, you know, you may make decisions differently. There's this thing called insulment another
keyword learning word. Insulment is discussed in every religious tradition that I know of, and it discusses when does the soul enter the body because religious traditions look at that point to decide when you are an actual life, because you're not a full life until you have body plus soul. So you become a life in different points. So in Judaism it's the fortieth day of gestation, that's when you're life.
So and in Judaism, well, traditional I guess is the way to say, if you have like a miscarriage, you technically there's no grieving in quotes because it wasn't actually a life. And then that is something called disenfranchised grief. Keyword disenfranchised grief is something that happens when like, let's say you have a miscarriage and you people be like, oh, at least it wasn't a real baby, and you're like,
I'm still sad, I'm still devastated. That's disenfranchised grief. It's when you're grieving but society or cultural norms will say, oh, but you're not entitled to those feelings.
So it's other people being bitchy about your grief. Yes, also it.
Disadvantchised people are dicks.
Yes, so you can you are a certified crematory operator. Yes, Okay, sorry to jump back to cremation, but it's growing in popularity and I've just I felt hazy on the details.
So like a lot of states now require that for someone to operate the crematory that you need to have the sort and it's really like just like a little simple test. I mean, just you need to not be an idiot.
So I mean to not be an idiot. Yeah, just throw your car keys in with the body.
Yep. Yeah, like don't like get in there for fun, because it's not.
Yeah, when they when someone is cremated, they're cremated in a casket, right.
Or not a lot of times? Okay, So okay, cremation. So I believe all states in the United States require you to be cremated in a cardboard outer container at a minimum, So that's basically a cardboard box, and it's like basically body cardboard, right, and you get get slit in.
People also will buy like wood caskets. So let's say that, like cold eyes, husband buys me a beautiful casket cherry wood, and then I'm just I'm laid out and there's like a visitation and then I get cremated in that same casket. So it'll burn up the wood, right, but not in like a metal casket.
No, Yeah, so some of the ashes might also be casket ashes.
Yes, okay, carbon is well no, because at that temperature, okay, so the wood goes completely away because you're cremated between sixteen and eighteen hundred degrees fahrenheit, it's very hot. When the body is cremated. All that is left if the cremation is done to completion, like if it's done right, is calcium bicarbonate. That's what's left, and there is no genetic material left.
So like you.
Let's say that I was just a bunch of cremated remains and you wanted to DNA test it to see like, oh, let's see if that's actually coal. If you're cremated appropriately, there's no genetic material left at all to be able to test that.
And I understand that there's a pretty good chance that you might get a couple of flakes of dust from somebody else in there too.
Yeah, I mean that absolutely happens. There's no way to get one hundred percent of everything out of the retort the cremation chamber, because think about what happened. Okay, you have a bonfire. What happens when it gets really hot, right, it swirls, It swirls around, and you get like hot
wind that happens inside the cremation chamber. And the cremation chamber is much bigger than the size of a body, and so you get all these little parts and stuff that fly around, and there's things like static electricity that can hold things up.
And yeah, so and what about embalming and body preparation? Do you do any of that or are you like nasts on my bag?
I am not a licensed and bomber. However, I have witnessed them and know about them, and I deal with that in my job pretty you know, pretty regularly. So it's interesting. Quite a few of my students all they want to do morning tonight is in bomb That's it. That's all they want to do. And just like I am, like I love working with death and dying. I'm into it, They're like I love embalming. They love it. Why, Yeah,
that's that's what they you know. I mean, there's there's got to be somebody, and there are a lot of families and people who embalming is part of their family tradition or their religious tradition and it's important to them.
So for more on this and the science and the art of funeral makeup, listen to the October twenty twenty episode on Desertrology with Monica Taurus, Who is a treasure? Okay cool? Do you think that people who are in the death and dying industry are a certain personality type or does it really? Does it totally run the gamut? Like does your stereotype of what a mortician is, you know, kind of stoic and quiet? Is that completely untrue?
So this is like love talking about this because in death care. Currently in the United States, we are having a huge shift in who are like quote unquote typical funeral director is. So many years ago, it was by far male dominated and like men, men, men, men. Now it's female dominated. Most of the students enrolled in mortuary school are women, and I believe that's nationwide now really Yeah, So you know how like the nursing profession was male
dominated and then it became like women. Now we're having that happen in death care. And I'm personally very excited about that because I feel like the role of the funeral director is shifting in the United States right now. Also within death care the profession, we're starting to see
an increase in our educational standards. You know, I'm teaching a bachelor part of a Bachelor of Funeral Service degree because the standard now has been a two year associates degree, oh to become a funeral director or in a walmer and not all states require that WHOA, and it varies state to state. So in Colorado, for example, there's no requirement for education to become a funeral director WHOA.
But like, I love that, You're like, I could buy a dime bag grocery store we yeah, funeral director like Colorado, Yeah, wild West.
Yes, I hope that all funeral directors are required to have a four year degree in the future.
You ready for some questions from listeners? Oh? Yes, Oh my gosh, we got some questions other than I feel like I have a million questions to ask you just because I'm like, what's going to happen when I do?
Should I be afraid? What am I doing?
Okay? Okay? But first a quick break with words about our sponsors who make it possible for us to donate to a cause, and this week I'm choosing it to go to the School of American Thanatology, which was founded by Cole and Perry.
So.
The School of American Panatology offers education in thanatology, death work, and more so that more people can expand personally and professionally. And there are courses on writing, death and spirituality, and thanobotany, which is another term that Cold coined to describe the way that plants are used in death care and dying and a green So yes, learn more about the school at Americanthinatology dot com that'll be linked in the show notes.
Thank you to sponsors for allowing us to make that doney.
Get value you can't argue with at Tesco with their amazing club card prices. Have the perfect night in with their finest frozen pizza meal deal. Get the finest frozen pizza, chips and ice cream all for six to zuo. Like our delicious spicy salami, hot honey, and do youa or Margarito wood fired pizzas served up with their crispy chunkie chips and ice cream like sea Salt de caramel or pistachio for dessert. Can't argue with that shop in store
or online Tesco. Every little helps available in most stories. Prices vary in express.
Sure, okay, I'm living. For your questions, Karon wants to know how accurate is the expression la patitde more in describing an orgasm. He said, I won't be mad if you don't ask this.
Well, actually, let me talk about this for a second. So in many Eastern traditions in that world, the Eastern tradition teaches that when you're asleep, it is one sixtieth of death, and so we actually take yoga to practice death. We leave that out in America because Americans don't believe they're going to die. But that's why you do the physical practice of yoga's to become more comfortable with it.
When it comes to orgasming, different traditions teach that you are between death and full life, Like you drop into like this sort of in between state and you become more closer to death at that point.
Really Oh, I mean like yeah, so that's an actual thing. That's not just the French being French and dramatic.
No, I mean yeah, I mean yeah, good question, good question, okay points.
John wants to know what did your parents say when you told them you wanted to study death and death is in all caps.
I just want you to know them it's because it's scary so and you should fear it. I never asked them, I just kind of did it. So.
Yeah. Mark wants to know with her science, it might it be possible for human death to be permanently postponed. Is that something we should strive for and if so, how will that change us? I think that would make us bigger dicks.
Yes, yes, it would, and dix for the wrong reasons. Like, I think from a scientific viewpoint, it's great to be able to understand the dynamics of that process. And like how that actually works, how you turn it on, turn it off. But I don't think for the good of society or the world that having a deathless world is good.
Hery, that's bad too many people.
And I'm sure I have people who would be like, oh, ye're wrong, But that's what I believe. And I've worked with death and dying a lot.
Right, I feel like humans are kind of like a cockroach plague on the earth a little bit.
Yeah, we're in a verny. We're messy. We don't leave things better than when we found them.
Oh yeah, we gotta die off or else we can't make room for new people. Right. Phoebe wants to know sell death being what it is. Is there a layman's terms short version of how the chemicals used in funery prep postponed the decomposition process till after our weird open cast funeral rites. Yeah, so she's asking, with cell death, how do the chemicals postpone decomposition? How do they do that?
So it's it's chemistry basically. So okay, so when you die, like your skin and all that stuff like dehydrates. Okay, like if you're doing a bombing, your blood is drained out and it goes down the drain, okay, into the sewer, just like your pa and your poop does. Really yeah, and the water treatment plants process all that out just like they process out pea and poop and whatever the heck else do you flush down there? It's also blood right good, yep. So that's step one, step two. Then
depending on how you died. So like if you if you were jaundiced, when you die, you're gonna have yellow casts to your skin. Well, there's embombing chemicals and ingredients that are designed to counteract that so that you don't look yellow when you were in your casket.
Right now, you've got to look good. This is the last time some of these people are going to see you.
That's right, because we are vain. Even when we're not that we're vain. We just know that we want.
To continue that.
You go, yeah, So this mixture is made. In the mixture, it's a chemical reaction, but it rehydrates the skin so that it doesn't so you don't look dead. And then it also corrects it can like do things like color correct or counteract whatever made you be dead.
Whatever made you be dead. Yeah, cause of death. The thing that made me be dead. Yeah, let me see, oh, Jennifer, is a great question, Jennifer. I keep hearing that when you die, the same chemical in ayahuasca is released into your body by your brain. Are we really all tripping when we die?
Dimethyl tripped to mean aka d MT? So ayahuasca is that? How say it? Ayahuasca that has DMT in it plus other stuff? Right now, the pinial gland and the brain makes DMT basically like we make a little bit of that and then that's what makes us dream. Wow, next level, our bodies are when you die. As far as I'm aware, and I'm sure someone would will post to correct me if I'm wrong, your body does release DMT okay, and other stuff. Like, there's sort of chemical things that happen.
So this idea of if you're like, are you tripping when you die? Well, keep in mind that all of your senses have probably if you're dying sort of naturally, your senses will have shut down. So if you have ever tripped as a living person, you know you had sensory input happening when you're dying, and at the moment of death, you're not going to be physically where you were when you were tripping and alive. So it's not going to be the same thing. It doesn't function the
same way. Does that make sense right?
Because you're not at Bonnaroo using all of your faculties. Yes, you're somewhere much more quiet without those faculties, So I get it. So it's kind of like if you had a kaleidoscope, but you had less input into the kaleidoscope.
You know. And the thing is that we don't really know what's happening there. But I look at that and I keep in mind that, like, our bodies are not functioning the same way then they normally do, so it's going to be different.
Okay, you're not like a burning man. You're definitely not at burning man. Blake wants to know, is there any truth to involuntary body movements after death, like bodies sitting up and muscle twitching and groaning and stuff like that.
Yeah, okay, like the sitting up thing, I've never heard of that actually happening, But like a like a like a like a ressing that happens. That's not uncommon because depending on how you die or what you die of, there can be like a pocket of air or something that comes out, but it's not. I mean, it's just like sometimes it's the result of just moving the body around or shifting it. Okay, so yeah, I've never heard
of like somebody sitting up in actuality. And I hang out with a lot of funeral wreckers, So you guys, yeah you got the goods.
I did hear that that a friend of mine and her fiance were at his grandmother's funeral and they went up to the casket and they both swear they heard her breathe like a interesting. I don't know. I am one hundred percent not a doctor, but I'm gonna guess that this sound is kind of akin to the breeze passing through a flute, just the gentle song of happenstance and Stephanie had a question. She wanted to know if and this is funny because I know her and her
birthdays on Halloween. She wants to know if you find the Halloween like kind of not irritating, but what your stance is on Halloween because it's such a like macabre holiday, but you deal with a lot of the themes that we explore one day year in your daily life, Like how do you feel about Halloween? And how macab it is.
I mean, I joy Halloween. A lot of people within the death and dying world, whether they work in like the funeral side, or they're like even like hospice workers or something, there's a lot of people that like love it and they live for Halloween. And I appreciate that, and I like Halloween, but I'm not obsessed with it, like honestly, it's just like a I give it a C plus in terms of holidays and my like calendar of events.
What's right holiday?
So I love yon Kippour. I'm Jewish and that's the day of atonement, so where it's where you like think about what you did. And obviously, because I deal with death and dying, I really enjoy the opportunity every year to like really think about what I did. Also I'm a little bit intense, So I love yon Kipour. Anyway, Halloween.
And what's interesting probably if you met me, because you only are hearing me, I do not like dressing all black, and I'm not like, like you're not uber goth, you probably wouldn't look at me and know that I'm like death person or what I right.
I would think you're a graphic design or an.
Artists, like a design person. Yeah so yeah, I like and appreciate Halloween. How it is not my number one.
So what's scarier than Halloween? It's being a pansy. Now Here is where I casually shower Cole with wonder and praise about all the things she's gotten done in her life. I do feel like knowing your life you're getting you have gotten the most out of it. I think that if anything, you're your proximity to death and dying shows in how you choose to live your life and all the things that you're so passionate about and what you've
learned and what you've done. And you know, that's a lot of people I don't think would take that risk, probably because they're just like, oh me, I'm not going to die. I'm a life forever, and I'm also going to win the lot of Ye we're off, we're off.
A lot of people just are like waiting for the thing to discover them, right, and it doesn't work that way, and doesn't Dying is not to be feared. It's the living, like fear your life choices. That's where the fear can come from, you know, and the fear of like like not like what happened if you don't do the thing that you've been wanting to.
Do, that's so real.
Yeah, like you are true. You owe it to yourself to do that, and you owe it to everyone that came before you to do that. You owe it to the world, You owe it to us to be who you're supposed to be.
And what is your will go least favorite to favorite, your least favorite thing about your job. And it could be anything. It could be like an early hours, could be being on call, anything.
Not a fan of email, not a fan of email. It's like real hard for me to just I just because it's like I want to be talking to people, and I just I really don't like email. I don't appreciate it. I don't enjoy it. I don't want it in my life.
Okay, so I love it as someone who deals with corpses, the worst thing is email.
Yeah, what's your favorite.
Thing about the job or favorite moment on a job, or or the thing that really gets you out of bed in the morning.
A lot of times it's I don't know what it is. I think I have radar or something or like a beacon that is sending out, but I can be in an immediate, deep, intense conversation involving tears with somebody I just met in a heartbeat, and it is because of my work and death and dying. One time I was in.
I took out the name of the museum at Cole's request, just in case, just to keep identities private. Also small content warning. It does involve the mention of dying by suicide, which side note, in the last five years, dying by suicide has become the preferred expression over the one that we used previously. But yes, so let's pretend for the sake of anonymity that she was at the British Lawnmower Museum, which is a real place.
Which is a fantastic museum. And I got my ticket and I went to go upstairs, and the guy that takes the tickets he was like always like you have interesting Harry, you an artist. So I'm like no. When I was trying to go upstairs, He's like, who are you? What do you do? And I was like, oh, I actually work in death and dying, and he like stone
cold face. All of a sudden, he goes, my best friend committed suicide recently, and I almost didn't come to work today because I've been struggling, and I was able to immediately talk to this individual for well over thirty minutes. But I wouldn't have had that wonderful opportunity to connect with that gentleman who was feeling very alone if I didn't work in death and dying and have this training
and danatology and all this kind of stuff. And for that, I'm incredibly grateful because being alone is the worst thing in the world for anybody, and a lot of times people feel alone with stuff related to loss, and there's so few people in the world that are equipped or comfortable to be present for that. You know, we want to push it away. So that's some example of something I love, which is intense and sad but overall great.
So it's funny because I'm leaving this conversation much more cheerful than I thought I would be.
Yeah, I was like, that's good.
I was ready to start. I was like, no, I'm probably gonna end up super scared and bawling, and I'm not. I'm like, oh, I just had to live instead of fearing death. Yeah, I just have to get more excited about actually being alive.
Yeap every time you encounter death in some way, it is an opportunity to choose to live. Mm hm, it really is.
I have a feeling you're going to be America's favorite panatologist. That's the goal, at.
Least the only purple haired one that I know of.
As she left, Cole handed me a ziploc bag and in it were five freshly baked, fucking delicious sugar cookies, and she said, I can't help it, I'm Midwestern. She also gave me a pen that she had specially printed with type inspired by vintage gravestone fonts, and it's just a simple black clickie clickpen bearing the words I don't have time for bullshit. We parted ways and I went upstairs in my room. I ate more than one one of the cookies, and then I just I wished this
chick lived in California. Twenty twenty two updates. So this chick moved to California a few months ago. We lured her out here for a visit for our wedding last July, and she and Victor Dugett so much. She called me up to be like, I have to tell you something, and I was like, what happened? What happened. She's like, we're moving out to LA I lost my mind. I screamed into the phone so loud. They moved west people. It rules. She also started a pickleball league here of
which I'm a member. I love her so much, so listen to the miniesode coming out in a few days for more on all of that and what she's been up to and what it was like to lure her to a different state and make her be my friend, to befriend her digitally and learn about her school. You can see Americanthantatology dot com. I will put more links up on my website at alliworn dot com, slash ologies,
slash Panatology, Encore. That link is right in the show notes, you don't have to write anything down, along with links to Cole's work and social media hand so much more. Check out her website Hellocole dot com. She's on Instagram as just In Perry. She's on Twitter as Cole and Perry. So I hope as you listen to this that you walked away with some kind of new appreciation for being not dead. I mean, confront death, plan for it, talk
about it, accept it, but don't fear it. It doesn't make our lives any better while we're living them, so thanks for listening. Thank you to everyone supporting on Patreon. I appreciate every single one of you. You make this self produced passion of mine and reality. And if I had died without doing it, my life would have been dimmer and I would have choked on regret. So thank you for making Ologies real. It changes my life on a daily basis. Twenty twenty two me again, thank you
so much for listening. Thank you Aaron Talbert for admitting the Ologies podcast Facebook group with assists from Bonnie Dutch and Shannon Faults of the podcast You are That. Thank you Bonnie and Shannon for the extra help in the Facebook group as Aaron Mooren's the loss this week of her brother and Lass Scott, so he's in our thoughts too. And thank you to Susan Hale for handling merch and so much more. Thank you to all Dilworth for all
the scheduling help. Kelly ar Dwyer makes our website can make yours too, Emily White of the Wordery handles our professional transcripts and Caleb Patten bleeps them and those are up for free at our website at alibar dot com slash Ologieslash Extras that's also linked to the show notes. We have free kid friendly, all ages friendly episodes called smologies in this main feed. You can download them all
you can listen with all ages. Thank you Zeke read Vegas, Thomas and Mercedes Maitland of Mind gem Media for heading that up with assists from Stephen Ray Morris and to the man who has got me through the last few months and also edits the episode, Jared Sleeper, Thank you for everything. Nick Thorburn made the music, and if you listen for the end of the show, I tell you secret this week. The secret is I really do not know what this grief and death experience would have been
like without having Call in my life. I cannot imagine it. Her work is so important. I just I'm so lucky. The miniesod will have a lot of advice if you're going through something similar, or if you're grieving, or if you're anticipating that. So I'm going to spill my soul out in that in hopes that it helps you a wee bit. Some things that I learned, some things that I'm glad that I went through. Another secret is that the last few weeks of bereavement leave I took was
the least I've worked in the past twenty years. And you know, even though it was filled with obituary writing and funeral arrangements and crying into the darkness and having to take care of some other work things on the side, the whole thing has really inspired me more than ever just to have a better life work balance, because even if you are doing your dream job, which I am
times a thousand. I would like to do this job until I am in the earth, but you still have to live a little while you're on this side of the grass, as my dad used to say, because we're all going to die one day, so you got to enjoy it a little bit and just fuck off and do stupid stuff and make collashes out of old magazines and pot some plants in the backyard and stuff. So text your crush.
I did.
I ended up marrying him, And you know what, cut banks, Do what you gotta do. I followed my own advice on that last night, and you know what, I cut some banks. I'm loving them. Okay. More grief advice and updates in the minisod, including my tips on had a handle bawling at a funeral and saying no to people who want you to do things when you can't. But you are great. Go enjoy the breeze or a sunset, or have a tiny ice cream cone and toast to Grandpod. He loved those. Okay, bye bye