Bonus Minisode: Kalology -- Your Letters

Patreon and in the Facebook group for your stories. I got almost one hundred emails from you men, women, non binary listeners of all backgrounds and opinions, and I wanted to share your stories. So I'm putting out a second extra bonus episode because i want you guys to have

a voice in this. And I'm admittedly a little scared to put these colology episodes out because I'll quote a friend I don't want to yuck your youm Beauty culture can be fun and empowering and artistic, and it can feel kind of like a treat.

to you, not what you think other people expect. So I think beauty culture could be kind of like the holidays, like it could be a treat, It could give you warm feelings, but it could also be a stressful drag that drains you of all of your money. And it really depends on how much you're trying to match magazines

and go above expectations that feel natural to you. In this minisod solo, we're gonna hear from you will learn how beauty culture has affected your lives, because I just think most of us think we're alone on this like. I have had blackheads since sixth grade, every single day of my life since then, and I feel like I'm the only person who looks at their dotted nose and goes why me. I feel like I'm the only one on planet Earth. Also, bur strips don't work on me.

I've googled all the tips. Nothing works.

a bun, no mass era. It doesn't matter, you guys, just accept me for like my thoughts and my stupid questions and words and curiosity, and not if my hair has been straightened and then meticulously recurled, or if my face looks symmetrical enough, or if you would like swipe a certain way on a dating app with me. So this podcast has been really empowering for me because it's made me value myself in ways that aren't revoked if my gray roots are showing or if I look tired.

So I've been there. I struggled to with appearance in so many ways. And in these episodes, I'm not posing any huge solutions, Like it's not realistic for a lot of us to just up and go natural and be like, fuck you world, But we can get a better handle on why we feel the way we do and maybe find some power in saying, yeah, no, I see what you're doing there. Like you know, when you rent a car and then they try to tell you that you need a bunch of extra insurance, but really your own

car insurance covers it. Once you know that, you can be like, yeah, no, I see what's happening.

were illuminating. They were super validating, and I hope this makes you see that everyone, no matter what their social media looks like, or how perfect they appear, or how little you think you relate to them, or if they look different from your friends, we all have similar insecurities, and everyone deserves more kindness and less judgment. The fact that any of us have survived the journey from an embryo to an actual breathing person is just a fucking

beautiful miracle of science and molecules and chants. And to criticize ourselves for not being replicas of a magazine ad selling hair gel is just criminal. So let's hear your perspectives.

I think that's a really good point. I think we all kind of do that. I mean, amen to that. Renee is like just follow dogs, and if you can get away with it, it seems like a fine tactic. Maybe I should just open a secret account and it won't be called Schmadvoord von pod Blast. I really might just open an account that just follows dogs. First letter we're going to start out with is from Radka Vikaria,

who says I think confidence makes people beautiful. If you feel good about the way you look at shows and smiles are contagious, you might even cause an epidemic. It's kind of like wearing nice underwear for a big day, even though you know one's going to see it. So we'll have that as our starting thought. Thank you, Ronka.

in the morning. I don't go full glamor or anything, but my mood definitely changes when I finish up my morning routine with some fresh my just my quick thoughts this morning while I get ready for the day. Caitlyn wrote in and said, I think there are a lot of unreasonable standards out there for women and men. On the other hand, I love makeup. My collection is out of control. I've been known to do a full face of glam makeup by myself at home on a Tuesday

night before bed. Of course, it always looks best when you aren't leaving the house. She says, what annoys me most is the assumption that people think I feel like I have to wear makeup.

It still does, However, I've found a lot of comfort and makeup.

I can only hope it's worth it and women gain what they would like to gain. If I look at it from the perspective of what sparked love that was never looks. I also was never attracted to the more beautiful girlfriend bye Olof, so Olof is like, don't tell me how much it hurts. I don't want to know. Also, if I love you, I love you well, okay. Jeffrey wrote in and said, as a sis, straight, older, mid forties white male, there have traditionally been a few socially

acceptable modes of physical adornment. One of the few ways I can adorn myself with something, in a word, pretty, and have that adornment not carry with it A lot of societal implications about my sexuality and personality is via tattoos. In my experience, take for example, flowers, pretty flowers. Right now I have on my body four colorful, pretty p

andy flowers and one large rose bloom. So sometimes duds want to have pretty stuff and they're like, well, okay, I indeed into my skiin, which is also cool and painful, but not as painful as waxig. Rob wrote in and said, newly single again, I've been working the various dating apps and I'm finding it a bit disheartening when a woman's posting specifies only guys over five to ten or no one under six feet? Is this height shaming, slash discrimination?

Or am I being too sensitive? I'd have no issue with someone being taller than me, certainly with the whole body acceptance thing. Can judging someone by their height still be okay? That's a great question, Rob, I don't know. I definitely think you should talk to other dudes about it, and ladies, if you're hearing this, just think you could be missing out on really cool ologites on those apps. You'd be like, you want to go on a bug hunt with me?

they look. Yes, Joe Joe for President agreed. Russell wrote in and said the closest I came to understanding my ego came in college when the website Hot or Not was unleashed on the world. I uploaded a few photos and got rated as high as seven point five. When my ratings fell into the mid sixth range, I felt vaguely upset, but also ashamed of being upset. Bob wrote in and said, being a straight man, most beauty standards don't apply often. That being said, I think women place

far too much emphasis on their beauty routines. Most men I know are really indifferent as to a woman's appearance as long as she's clean. And I wrote back, Ha, good point. How do you define clean, Bob? And he said, at the moment, my standards have been adjusted to just

not having noticeable body odor. So if you don't stink, hit up Bob Dylan wrote in and said I've had a bit of debate over whether or not i should send this, but in the words of everyone about to do something wrong, fuck it, and wrote in high school, I always went to school with perfect hair and I had an emo fringe. We have all had dark fashion moments. I got a letter from Mike who said, I have

a lot of conflicting thoughts about beauty culture. For reference, I'm assists hetero, middle aged, mixed race, polish MCAC dude. I think, like everyone, I've been insecure about my appearance, both for my ability to attract women and because my looks favorite the name side of my family, and I'm often treated like an outsider and suspected by the white majority community. That sucks, and I'm sorry, he writes. Before

she had cancer, my wife, Melissa was an attorney. She had to be extremely careful about what she wore and how she presented herself. She had to look professional, to appear competent, but not too soft or feminine, because she needs to control her often violent, sexist, and crude male clients.

beauty does. She is the strongest, smartest, kindest woman I've ever known, but she's been conditioned to feel embarrassed that she doesn't look better while fighting a terminal brain tumor. Thank you for sending that, Mike, please hug Melissa for me.

our appearance. Intelligently. I know it's all BS, patriarchy, capitalism, YadA, YadA, YadA. So I still don't know why I spend so much time hating on myself and my appearance. It's so ingrained that the mind beasties always seem to win out over what I actually value. I will believe in the narrative that without makeup, I look old or tired, unkempt, all

of which I know is completely absurd. I feel like I could go on endlessly about this, But I love that growing me presence of gender fluidity is changing the makeup game. I love that women and folks of varying sizes, body types, color and varying abilities are changing the standards of beauty. But we all have a long way to go, mostly with acceptance for ourselves. Lisa wrote in and said, there's the general resentment with how long it takes me

to get ready for a day of work. I try to move faster, but somehow it always takes me about an hour to get ready. Meanwhile, my spouse is up and ready in five minutes. That means he ends up with more free time to do his own things. Well, my workday is extended, Oh my word. Over the years, I've slowly been able to break free, and now I can go on makeup free vacations and weekends, which is such a freeing move. The time back and the break

from the stupid routine is so excellent. Definitely wish there was more parody on this. I would love to see more men wearing makeup and women more free to wear less. Stephanie wrote in and echoed that and said, I wish it was more acceptable to not wear makeup. It's frustrating because I just don't care about makeup and I can't be bothered to put any on most days. I remember reading several articles about how women who don't wear makeup were seen as less professional at work than women who

do wear makeup. On the other hand, for women who do wear makeup, if you wear too much, apparently that can limit you professionally. It seems like we're damned if we do, damned if we don't. Anonymous wrote in and said, I'm a forty one year old SIS, a sexual white woman who has gained and kept about fifty pounds over my doctor's preferred weight from depression treatments. Very uncomfortable appearing in public the way I am most comfortable in private.

if you're thin, white, young, pretty, etc. Great point. Another anonymous wrote in and said, I'm in my mid thirties and terrified of getting older. I feel my value depreciating as I age. It's wrong and sad and uncool. I try so hard every day to look pretty with makeup, hair, nice outfits. I spend my money on products intended to reduce signs of aging. I keep grayze covered, I shave my legs and my junk. It's a lot of work, and I'm still not what one would consider attractive. She said.

It's hard because I know that it's with on the inside the counts, but it is difficult not to stress about appearance and this competitive looks driven society. Jocelyn wrote in and said, I have rosetiha and I hate it. I don't want to feel pressure to wear makeup when I'm at work or at the shops or something, but I usually do because it helps me feel normal. How is that right? I should be normal as I am,

without any additions or modifications. Sometimes I enjoy putting on makeup and going out, but some days it's a chore and I feel like I have to do it. Jordan Rurnton And said, I'm a cis woman and I don't fit the ideal hourglass pear shaped mold. I've struggled with my relationship to my body, and I'm very light skinned, so I'm definitely privileged in that sense, but I fall

prey to the eurocentric beauty standards pushed by our society. However, until a few years ago, I spent a lot of time and money on makeup and trying to change my appearance to meet these standards. I'm not sure how I feel about spending so much money, because while it gave me more time with myself and a comforting routine, it didn't change my relationship with myself and my appearance. I think it's down to someone's choice. Sometimes grooming can be a peaceful ritual, but it can be a symptom of

being told we're not enough as we are. We also heard from Anne, who mentioned that I was at a family gathering a summer or two ago arguing that some new Disney movie was misogynistic, and my aunt, exasperated with my feminism and overthinking, said well, at least you don't have freedom pits, at which point I raised my arms and showed her it was complicated. Though I was proud, but later I couldn't help but wonder if I should be embarrassed.

heels or a set table marketing silverware. But I also saw so many girls in my grade try to be the size of the magazine girls, which is barely the point of the ads. The shoes are the point, the money's the point. The photographer probably didn't even know that girl's name. And I'm sad at how much body sadness I saw in the industry, when in reality, the designers don't care about anything other than how a garden falls.

Models may well be plastic. I got a letter from a friend, Sarah, who says, as to your question, how much do I think about all this beauty culture all the time? I can logically look at this dilemma and say, my appearance has zero correlation to my self worth. I feel like this is true for everyone. Every person has an intrinsic value that has nothing to do with what

they look like. However, growing up as a girl in America, the idea that what I'm worth is almost entirely based on what I look like is deeply ingrained in me. As much as I call bullshit on this idea, I can't seem to let it go. The central idea that I grapple with is how can I feel good about my appearance? When I believe feeling good about my appearance? Should it matter? Oh, this is a great point. How should I treat my beauty routine when I believe it

shouldn't matter. How I usually deal with this dilemma, she says, is to completely avoid it altogether. I feel so bad about the way I look that I feel like if I ignore it, I can sort of feel like it isn't there. Part of what Sarah deals with is alopecia. She says, part of it is comfort too. I feel uncomfortable wearing makeup, and of course the wig is the worst, but it's more that I feel so conspicuous when I

dress up. My heart hurts for my daughter that she will feel even a tenth of the pain I feel about my appearance. I'm actively working on it, though, I guess I just wanted to find for myself what it means to feel beautiful and how much of a beauty routine would go into it.

skin tends to break out more easily afterward. But since I've had kids, I'm trying real hard every day to love myself just the way I am. The most important thing for me is not deprecating myself in front of my kids, especially my daughter, who is now seven years old. Her style can be pretty gender neutral, but even then I see her giving more and more attention to how she looks, and sometimes I find it hard. She's just a kid. I don't see my boy in front of

the mirror placing his hair up in the morning. He goes out the door with peanut butter up to his forehead without giving a fuck. Clearly, society is sending a toxic message to girls and women or any people identifying as women, and as a parent, I sometimes feel clueless. I mean, you want your kids growing up loving themselves, you want their self esteem to be through the roof. But yet as a thirty something adult, you still struggle

with all those things. But that's a great point. The idea that little dudes just leave the house peanut butter up to their eyebrows. Don't give a fuck. Stephanie also had a different take on beauty since she became a mom. She says, anyway, maybe a weird take on your question. However, over the last year, I've had a complete shift in how I view beauty, modesty, and the female body in general.

I was raised really conservative, so very modest. Flash forward to being pregnant with my wee little babers and having my bod wrecked by pregnancy. Now, in case you didn't know, pregnancy is rough. Between your body taking on a completely new shape and at leaking weird fluids constantly, you don't particularly care what other people think of you, at least I didn't. I found some hella beauty though, in myself and the other moms around me, Like women are strong

as hell. When you whip out your tit for the millionth time in public, you find your own version of beauty, and you find yourself cheering for every single body type, every single expression of a strong body in whatever form that may take. Now I'm rocking literally whatever the hell I want to wear, whatever I think looks good stuff. I was too worried to have people judge me in before.

So moms open in minds over here, and I heard from a lot of people who dealt not so much with beauty and makeup and lipstick and mascara, but just being comfortable in their own bodies. Lisa says, I'm a plus sized teenager who's just starting to accept her body the way it is. Looking back at photos of me, I now realize how skewed my own perception of myself

used to be. I saw myself as a lot bigger than I actually was, because people tend to taunt you, whether you have five pounds too much or fifty pounds. So I'm hopeful for the future as I'm trying to look past society's beauty standards and find my own. Someone named Kat wrote in and said I was bullied at school for being tall and skinny, what many people see as the ideal. I got teased for looking at her exic when I was just a growing, lean kid. As I got older, I gained weight and felt pressure to

be skinny. I still feel these pressures today, but I try to remind myself that I should only keep myself happy and healthy and the rest doesn't matter.

more in the past few years. I've accepted that my beauty doesn't have to compete with anybody else's, and I've come to realize what bullshit a lot of beauty standards are. Anyway, Sorry, this turned into a bit of a therapy session. Hey, Rachel, I loved it. Thanks for opening up. Jay wrote in to say that her parents' favorite form of shit talking when they were young was to call other people fat

and ugly. She said, my folks loved me unconditionally and never said anything unkind to them, but they were brutal about themselves and other people. And this is from two intelligent, kind liberal people, so growing up in that environment made me self conscious about high luck. Obviously, She goes on to say I still won't go out in public in a sleeve of shirt because I think my arms are too fat, and the feminist in me is pissed. Who the hell cares? Love yourself the way you are screw

everyone else. I'd say ninety percent of the time, I'm there, but it's tough, and it pisses me off because I could be spending that energy and brain power on about a million other things that would make me happy or make the world better. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with beauty in and of itself, but it's all just so fucking exhausting. Anyway, I guess my check for our session will be in the mail. Super looking forward to this episode. I will

not invoice you. I enjoyed your emails tremendously. Liz wrote in to say, as a person who's always had issues with my appearance, I feel like there will never be an end to myself criticism. And although I am often satisfied with what I see in mirrors when I get ready, I always feel embarrassed when I see photos of myself. I can't tell what to believe, and I feel like I genuinely have no idea what I look like in the world. Me personally, I always think of myself as

what happens when you open your front facing camera. That's what I think I look like all the time. So just the fact that we have front facing cameras that open accidentally is like probably ruining so many people right now at this moment. We have to just remember that

that's not reality. Tracy a guy wrote in to say, for me, having just come out as gay to my unsupportive parents, a few supportive family members, and a supportive close family friend, it's hard to write what I desire as I was never able to openly express who I truly am. All through high school I was athletics. So now I'm trying to get comfortable my own skin as an openly gay male, well openly gay as some and still working on the rest with.

date a curby woman. So I've struggled with body image of my whole life and why is it socially acceptable to walk up to someone and ask what are you? I'm a fucking human. You also having to defend my answer that I'm mixed and people not believing it is frustrating. In terms of some of your other questions. I hate my hair. It's curly and I always want to straighten it. I've been leaving it natural more often, probably because of humidity.

There's zero point in straightening it. I think I started straightening my hair because of society, though curls were never a thing that was highlighted growing up. I've no time for me. That's a going out thing only. But these are some quick thoughts that came to my mind. Kennedy from the Patreon page says, it took me a long time to be happy with my curly hair. I used to straighten it every day for years when I was younger.

Not only was it damaging to my hair, but I hate to think of all the time I wasted that could have been spent elsewhere. Caitlin Donald says, I second Kennedy's point about curly hair. My sister is a lawyer with very curly hair who's been told multiple times to make her hair look a little more professional. And should I mention her hair is beautiful. She does a great job of keeping a pull back off her face and things like that. The only issue is because it's curly.

As a person with curly hair, I get it. Audre wrote in and said, here are my tidbits on calology in the adopted from Asia population. I'm adopted from China. I grew up in a predominantly white area. Thus I grew up surrounded by American beauty standards. Being born into one culture yet raised in another results in a lot of pressure and two different sets of standards. Sometimes I feel like I'm being judged by both simultananeously. I now just do what I want, But the high school and

college years weren't so great. Thanks for listening, Thank you for listening. Audra Hi says, as a Vietnamese American, appearance pressure in beauty culture is a mixed bag. I've been overweight since I was a teen. My aunts meanwhile, but there's always a recommendation on a diet, a tea, or an exercise routine so that I can lose weight.

I'm a neuroscientist or a psychopathologist, if you will. As a woman in STEM, I feel like there are the same pressures on appearance that you see in the real world, except they're flipped. I like to wear dress, this jewelry, and makeup, and have found that having a traditionally feminine appearance, or putting effort into your appearance, discredits you and leads to judgment people I meet it quick to tell me

I don't look like a scientist. I've heard faculty members speaking poorly of women who put effort into their appearance. It's important to note that this feedback comes from both men and women, and it's a bizarre, flipped twilight zone of what we currently think in terms of women's beauty standards. I heard that from Jordan too, who says, given my experience in the engineering field, I've never experienced any kind of expectation for women to wear or makeup at work.

I heard from another female scientist who says, throughout my time in science, I had to balance that impossible, no right answer dilemma of looking good but not too good, Particularly because as a young scientist, so much depends on your ability to get old white men to tell you things. They have to be interested and willing to talk to you and teach you stuff, but not so interested that

they get handsy. Sam wrote in and said, I've never cared too much about my appearance, instead being the sort of person who would rather sacrifice make up application time in the morning for sleep. This has worked out for me because I am an academic scientist. Often I notice that there's a sort of reverse beauty standard effect in academia.

If someone, a woman especially, takes what is perceived as too much time or care in her appearance, often people conclude that she must be compensating for poor research.

hear you have to look glamorous and perfect. In some cases, we also hear don't look too glamorous, or else no one will have any faith in your intelligence. It's a complete and total mind fuck. And I heard from some really wonderful tranceless and I feel super privileged to get their voices in here. And Tay rode in and said, as a recently out in recently transitioning trans man, I've been conflicted about the old beauty habits when I presented as a femme woman. While on principle I support men

wearing makeup. If I do wear makeup or reveal any of my girly habits, people misgender me more often. I'm still really into makeup and skincare and all that, and sometimes I still put on my whole face, but it's been difficult dealing with the constraints of traditional masculinity. I also heard from Jake, who is a non binary trans man, who says I'm an electrologist who an ologist, saying I remove hair with a cool machine that zaps people's pores.

So it would seem like I'm all about beauty, right, but it's actually the opposite. I hate beauty culture and the expectation for women to be hairless. I hate that there are multiple billion dollar industries devoted to creating and then profiting off insecurities. I'm not against people want to feel beautiful. I'm against the industries that have taken a

financial incentive to make people feel ugly. All that gets a little bit more complicated when it comes to trans people, and that's why I remove hair, because for some trans people, hair removal isn't just about beauty. It's a dysphoria and a safety issue. I'm a non binary trans man and all of my clients are trans women. The worst beauty standard specific to trans people, in my opinion, is the expectation to pass or look exactly like CIS people. It

ranges from easy to impossible to achieve. But even if it's easy, I wish it wasn't necessary. A lot of trans women have facial hair that they wish wasn't there, and it makes a big quality of life improvement when I get rid of it. One thing I can comment on from personal is the terrible expectation for women to be underweight. Being seen as a guy has been a huge relief, not just for my dysphoria, but also being

allowed to be bigger. Jake says that they struggled with diets a kid, and went on to say, there are many people involved in creating and marketing these diets that have destroyed my life and health and the lives of tons of other people. And that's my main beef with the beauty industry. It's hurting people. I love the art side, but the dark side is much larger and way more profitable. Anonymous wrote in and said, Hey, Okay, so I guess my main thing I want to say is that I'm

a trans masculine Korean person adopted by white people. My identity is complicated, to say the least, and Western culture definitely feminizes Asian men. The examples of Asian men considered attractive that I see in media are like K pop stars. As an Asian person assigned female at birth, it often feels hopeless. It's really hard thing to navigate as I'm trying to present myself in a masculine way. I guess that's all I have to say. Cheers, cheers back at you,

and thank you for emailing me from your vacation. Anna also wrote in and said a bit about me. I'm a full time trans woman. I'm married to assists woman who's simply the great. I've been on hormone therapy for about six months now. I don't pass as female on any day really, but I do what I can. Beauty standards is a tricky one for me. They're very intertwined with my transition and self perception. They are all at

once positive and negative. I spend a lot of time occupied with beauty standards, sometimes painfully, so I'm always comparing my face and body to CIS gendered women, seeing how I size up to conventional female beauty. I will get made up when I'm alone because I feel more feminine and happier when I see myself in the mirror. I also wish it was more accepted for CIS men to wear makeup and just generally for people to be who they.

for yourself, So mind your own business, everyone. An anonymous woman also wrote in and said it for a long time, I was questioning whether or not to describe myself as a sexual or ace. The people I did talk to about being a sexual often told me that I couldn't make that decision because I'm a plus sized woman and thus men weren't interested in me. My sexuality apparently had to be tied to how beautiful and attractive other people

found me. The thing is, being a sexual is about the amount of sexual attraction and or desire you feel and experience. It is distinctly not about the amount of sexual attraction or desire other people feel or experience towards you. That takes away my agency over my own body, takes away the idea that women are sexual beings without men around, and disregards that plus size women experience attraction and desire and are in good relationships. It's pretty offensive, very good point.

Those people suck. Wesley, who signs himself as a baby Lawyer to Be, says, I'm assist male who's recently lost some weight. I'm twenty three, I'm young, however, I have some stretch marks. Stretch marks are something that I feel gay men hide a lot. A bunch of us have them, but no one talks about them or shows them. So Wesley, Baby Lawyer to Be, where you talk about them the less people don't talk about them.

If you listen to the Froology episode Mary Poff and Roth, that was like one of her big tenants is we just worry we're not good enough, and that's what bees beauty standards to to us. And I really also just want to put my things out to the LGPDQ plus community. I said this in the Gynecology episode, but y'all are on the front lines in terms of changing the way

we look at super binary gender norms. I think those hurt us a lot, and not only can we all learn about being who we truly are in accepting yourselves, you're also helping other people accept themselves. So thank you for that. One of the last emails I'll read is from a white CIS woman named Melissa, who says, I wanted to tell you about what happened when I started watching RuPaul's Drag Race with my kids.

When we saw the drag Queens put on makeup, we talked about how makeup can be a way to have fun and express our unique personalities. When we listen to the drag Queens talk about their sexuality and rejection from their families, it started a great conversation about accepting people

and themselves no matter who they choose to love. And within a few weeks of watching these episodes, my son decided to dress up as Ruth Bader Ginsberg for a class presentation on his hero My daughter signed up to be the only girl on her tea ball team and now proudly proclaims that blue is her favorite color. While I can't prove it, I suspect that their choices were due in large part to Drag Race and the conversations

that it prompted. And of course I'm attaching pictures. She attached pictures of her son dressed as Ruth bader Ginsberg and her daughter on a t ball team, And I'm literally crying right now, And she says, ps, I told my kids about slug penises today and they laugh their asses off. Alissa, cool mom, dude. In closing, I wanted to read an email from a listener named Terra Schill, who had written me one email about her conflicts with beauty culture, and then sent a follow up email called

Beauty Thoughts Part Two. I realized that I forgot to mention to you what I find beautiful, she says, The Earth, wild, animals, nature, David Attenborough, my crush for life, love on others, the eyes of everything, living whales, lions, elephants, rhinos, frogs, Spiders are a phenomenal creature.

Thanks for asking us beautiful fans questions. Thank you listeners for answering them. My aim with this is to really make everyone feel seen and heard and included. So if I said anything in language that was wrong. Please let me know because I want.