3. How to Overcome Triggers & Become Resilient | Emotional Intelligence Explained

You're on your journey , you're on your path , you're going to do you . Why does and I question more for you , for your listeners why is it that other people's journey impact us so much ? Why do you think ?

I'm really excited to explore this because it feels like oftentimes we can be on a journey of development and growth and then the people around us aren't always on that journey with us , so they can hold us back , they can discourage us and they can make comments . So it's a topic I'm really excited to explore .

And why does it penetrate so much to you ? You're on your journey , you're on your path , you're going to do you . Why does and I question more for you , for your listeners why is it that other people's journey impact us so much ?

But there's a challenge . As a native court worker , I deal with people who are realizing that the people within their inner circle are contributors to why they find themselves in the criminal justice system . To cut them off is in their mind , to abandon them in their darkest hours .

So I've had clients who are homeless , struggling , and they say I will not go into housing unless this person comes with me . So there's this rich community there , but it's flawed because it's preventing you from reaching better things , from going forward .

And so there's an appreciation you have to have for the people who've been there for you , but a balance you have to seem to take to make sure that you don't let these people keep you where you are . And we see this so often , and I think about it at a macro level when you think of people in downtown areas , in struggling communities .

They often live their whole life there and never leave that community , despite the fact that 10 blocks away might be a thriving , wealthy community . They never see themselves envisioned in that , and so you are the people you surround yourself in some ways .

So you have to find some sort of balance between the two , and you can't look at the people as anchors , but you have to recognize whether or not they have the same values as you in terms of their growth .

If those people are keeping you small , then it's okay to walk away .

I know with my own father for 20 years I didn't have a relationship with him because I was , he wasn't a good person and I felt , you know , I was a young kid , I kind of divorced my father at a young age and I felt that I was better off even though obviously I wanted a father figure in my life , I was better off on my own than having that sort of

toxic environment in my life . And that's really hard . You have to be brave , I'd say . The thing I would say to people is you've got to be courageous , you've got to let go of . You cannot save people . They have to do that . They have to do that themselves . You cannot save any of .

This is why in you know , 12 step programs , right , you can't , you can't make someone not drink , right , all you can do is share what your thoughts are and what your feelings are , and then it's up to them . It's they've got to get committed to doing it , not not you .

So I would say as much as there's a community and that's that's kind of , as you said , anchoring you in you've got to be brave enough to step out on your own and and if you see that that community a block away , you know , and those people are anchoring you to stay where you are . You know how are you helping them and how are you helping yourself ?

By staying .

I think a lot of times , if we you know a lot of the retreats that I do when people kind of dig into what is their emotional makeup , and I always ask them where does this come from ? You know , where did you learn this behavior ? Or didn't learn this behavior ?

It always tends to stem from their childhood or their upbringing or their career or their life path .

But to kind of step back and just get curious about why people are the way they are and in business , one of the things people always say to me is I'm in the emotional intelligence training class but my boss isn't and he's the one that needs it more than I do . How do I work with him ? All you can do is clean your side of the street .

Absolutely , you can only clean your side of the street . You can be influential , you can lead by example and be the best person , but they're going to make their own choices and they're going to say what they're going to say , and so I think it is about being connected , but still self-differentiated is to still I still can stay connected to you .

This goes back to what I was talking about when you're overly empathetic , you get enmeshed in people's stuff .

What I teach people is you can still have compassion and boundaries , so I can still be connected with you in your community , or I can still care about people and know that in my case , my father was not a good influence and so I needed to step away , and that was hard because my whole family did not agree with my decision and as a teenager , that was a

tough decision to make to sort of separate for 20 years . But I think it was the best decision for me .

I and I actually in the book , I talk a lot about that right , like finding those advisors who can make you like because I'm always about growth right , I'll be a lifelong learner . No matter how many , how old I am , I'm constantly . No matter how many degrees I have , I'll constantly be learning .

I think it's really about finding those people that have something that you want and hanging out with them , spending , spending time with them . If I do what you've done to get where you are , I'll probably get what you get . I think you know people make business a lot more complicated than it is A widget's , a widget's a widget .

I think the bottom line is , if I see someone that has something that I want and I go after it , ask them a lot of questions how did ?

And this is what you're doing in your , in your podcast you're , you're reaching out to these people Like that's what's going to make you so much better , because you're going to get all that pieces of data for information of all , from all those wonderful sources , and that you know school doesn't need to be at university , and I think that's the big mistake .

As a university oppressor , I'll probably get chest highs for saying this , but I don't think you have to get that education at university . I you know , when I look back at my career in emotional intelligence , there's no degree in emotional intelligence .

In fact , on a podcast , once you know how you do your intro after I leave , you know , introducing me on air , the woman introduced me as a self-proclaimed emotional intelligence expert . Well , that pissed me off , because what makes me a legitimate emotional intelligence expert ? Because there isn't a degree in it . So how do I be ? You know what it ? What ?

What is ? What makes me credible ? I will tell you . I know who we're graduating at university . Some of these people can't even write a sentence and we're graduating them . So does a degree make you legitimate ? And so it just makes me think .

Like you know , I love the path that you're on , that , yes , you've had some formal education , but you're where you're getting all your knowledge is . You're pulling it from all these people . So you're associating with people you want to emulate and then you're taking . You know you're taking what you want and leaving the rest .

And that's making who you are , who you are , and making and you , you know , putting your own spin to it of how you can take their lessons and go further .

Because , despite what you might prefer , people talk about you when you're not around , and it can either be positive or negative , and going through some of those things , the truth can be very uncomfortable and the reality of where you are is it can be very dark .

The thing I love about a lot of religious belief systems is that they say be thankful for where you're starting from , Because , A you don't have to stay there and , B whatever has happened has brought you to this day where you're waking up and you're trying to look at yourself .

So there's something glorious about the day where you start to look at yourself and go am I where I want to be ? Am I who I want to be ? Am I how I want to be ? And I think that that's what books like yours give people the opportunity to do is go . I'm going to ask myself some tough questions .

I'm not going to like some of the answers , but it's something it seems like it's very heavy to start the journey on .

What advice do you have for people who are tempted to open the book , tempted to start this journey , but are afraid of some of the answers and some of the truths they might find ?

The reason I wrote the book was I wanted people to take a good , honest look in themselves and say what am I doing ? Cause you're you're the actor in your own reality show right now . If you don't like the show , change the channel .

You have every control to change that channel , but you've got to figure out what don't I like first , and so , if you don't even know who you are or what you're about , yes , it's scary , absolutely , but I encourage people and I will just say for myself before I found emotional intelligence , I was suicidal . I was suicidal .

I was going to end my life and it was truly the answer to my journey , not only to save myself , but to save so many people that I've worked with Since EI experience . Since I started my company in 2017 , I mean , I've been running my business since 2006 , but since I started this division of my business , I've worked with 30,000 leaders across North America .

I have changed people's life , not me . The skill , emotional intelligence if people can start to be brave , be brave to look in the mirror and say what are the things that aren't working for me and how is that getting in my way ? You know the second part of the book that I and I'm going to use , a story which I think super powerful .

I asked people to ask others how they see them . So one of my clients asked his wife hey , honey , do you think I enjoy helping people ? That was the question . And she said I think you help people . I don't think you enjoy it . And then she said and I don't remember you being happy since 2016 .

Well , that opened a whole can of worms , because he never thought she thought that that was the first time he had heard that she didn't think he was happy . So I said to him once he told me that I said okay , here's your next homework assignment . I want you to go back to your wife and ask her what does happiness look like to you ?

Because I might be showing that I'm happy and I think you see that I'm happy , but if she doesn't see it , it's kind of like communication styles . When I teach people how to speak to each other . I got to speak in your language . I can't speak in my language or else you won't hear it . So I've got to speak in . I got to figure out how do I reach you .

Well , so I said to him go home and ask her what does happiness look like to you ? Because if he was shocked , he thought he had been happy and she didn't see it .

And that goes back to my earlier comment about this idea that at a certain point we stop telling people they could reach their full potential and we stop wondering what that might look like . And it's not just . A lot of people think that that's like job . What job are you gonna have ? A career you're gonna have .

But how rich is your life in terms of the people in it ? How much do you enjoy being around the people around you ? What does a dinner party look like at your home ? Who are the people in that environment ? Is it your loved one ? Is it warm and cozy or is it tense and uncomfortable ?

And a lot of people don't realize that they're writing a story that they don't actually enjoy it .

So right now , if your listeners or viewers are watching this or listening to this , I want them to think okay , I'm gonna take a step back and look at myself from above , and what do I love about my life and what don't I love about my life , and the things I don't love about my life ? How am I contributing to that ? And then , what can I do about it ?

Now , as you said earlier , I can't change my boss . I can't change , you know , a family member I can't do . All I can do is clean my side of the street . But ultimately , if they're not helping me and it's hurting me and in fact it's interesting I just made me think of something .

After 20 years of having nothing to do with my father , I picked up the phone and said hating you is hurting me and I don't want to hate you anymore . And I just let it go . Now I had not right , like we really had nothing to do with each other all those years , but I realized that me hating him wasn't necessarily hurting him .

It was hurting me because every relationship I would get into I would be thinking , oh , you're going to be like , just like my father , right ? And so just letting that go and stepping aside and just realizing , you know , looking at your life from above and just realizing , you know , what do you like about your life , what don't you like about your life ?

You can do everything . You , absolutely you have the power within you to change your life . As you know it . What you believe is what you become .

What role does this play when we're talking about developing emotional resilience and understanding yourself ? How much time do people need to be on that journey ?

I mean , you know , victor Frankel , the Outchwitz survivor , has a wonderful quote , like between stimulus and the response , there is a space and in that space . Or there is a space and in that space lies the freedom to choose , or something like that .

I'm partly butchering the quote , but the bottom line is we have , if we can feel an emotion , figure out what triggered that emotion and then create space , whether that space is hey , aaron , I need to step out because I'm getting heated under the collar , or I need some time , or I just need to sit and quiet or I need to meditate , whatever that is .

Create space before you act . Because what I say to clients is take a sheet of paper , take four columns . On one side of the one of the columns write emotion . So you're on another column , right , trigger . On the third column , right , action . And on the fourth column , right , impact or sorry , response versus impact .

So let's say your boss gives you an unrealistic deadline . I'm angry . Okay , that's the emotion . What's the trigger . He gave me a completely unrealistic expectation that I'm never going to meet my action . I have a choice now . I can choose a high EQ response or a low EQ response .

If I choose a high EQ response , I might come up to you and say , hey , aaron , you know that project you gave me . I'm not going to be able to do it this week . I'm going to have to . I can get this done today if you let me do project X next week .

Your response might be you might not be thrilled with me setting a boundary , but you'll at least respect me for doing that or I could do a low EQ response and say screw you , aaron , I'm not doing it . And what could that lead to ? In support nation ? Losing my job .

And so , by writing it out and creating space to say what's a high EQ response , what's a low EQ response , that gives me the freedom to choose and make a conscious choice rather than letting my emotions run amok in my life .

But I would say , given my what I have to do in my plate , I don't think I have the time to do it . But I'd also negotiate . I'd also talk to them and saying , okay , you think I can do it ? Great , what do you think ? How can I spare that time then ?

Like , where do you see that I'm either losing time or I can gain time , like have a conversation , rather than just discrediting their ideas , because maybe they do see something in you that's bigger than what you see in yourself . I think a lot of times as a coach , I see the Olympian before they actually are an athlete .

So a lot of times maybe your boss does see a potential in you . And when I think back to the first story I told you on the episode , the first episode of the series I saw something in Cindy that she didn't see in herself and because I gave her that chance . She became the most improved student .

So I would get curious about why your boss sees you that way what they think , why they think what they think and then asking them okay , if you don't think this is unrealistic but I think this is unrealistic , let's come like , let's compromise . This isn't just a one-way conversation .

. After a good night's sleep , after spending some time maybe venting with my partner , there's these opportunities to kind of explore this area in between stimulus and reaction . What advice do you have for people looking for ?

We're constantly feeling like we have to answer . There's wonderful , wonderful things that can happen in silence , but we these awkward pauses , I feel people feel like they need to fill it . Why can't we just sit in silence and say I need a moment ?

How do we remain understanding and accepting , because we were once that person right Like the day you start on this journey , you're not all that you could be . So when you wake up and you look at these other people and you go well , this person's being a real jerk and this person's not handling things well and that person's approaching things wrong .

How do we remain understanding as we start to climb this ladder of growth and leave them behind ? How do we not forsake them ?

But I also think , having a lot of curiosity about why didn't they find their way , like I found my way and having a lot of compassion , that they don't have the same education , they haven't read the same books , they don't know what you know . Only you know this . So you found it in such a way I look back at why .

Was it that very dark day , when I literally was going to end my life , that a thought came to me that hey , remember , when you did your masters , you learned about emotional intelligence . I wonder if you should take an emotional intelligence assessment , carolyn . That thought just came into my mind .

I don't know what it was , maybe it was the divine , I have no idea but that thought saved my life . So I think it's .

People are going to find their time on their time and as much as you wish them to have it sooner or on your timeline , I think you got to just again go back to letting go , letting them be them , you be you and having compassion and patience for people that are struggling .

With Thanksgiving coming up with , like Christmas coming up , with Halloween coming up , how do we relate to family and how do we make those bonds stronger and more healthy ? Yeah , absolutely .