Let me see if this thought comes out well at all. So something that I have always been predisposed to is feeling judgment from people. I think I'm fairly like perceptive.
um of people in like a sometimes harmful way where if i feel like somebody is judging me i feel sort of a mix of emotions they're all negative um sometimes it when if i'm like like being weak or i agree with their judgment it's like then i want to change that behavior you know or i'll dislike myself because i see them because i'll look through their eyes disliking me but i'll also sometimes if i'm If I'm being internally strong, it will turn into anger towards them or just like a defense thing.
oh you're judging me like here you suck or something like that okay i'm using the word judge and i don't know if that's the most universal term it's probably a holdover from like growing up in a like a deeply evangelical world where the word judgment is used a lot um but you know what i mean it's it's it's whatever so by having kids is a new dimension. It's funny how having kids is, I didn't, this is a part I didn't anticipate about having kids, is it sort of, and I just have little kids.
But it adds another dimension to a lot of my emotional life, both positively and negatively. And here's another, here's an example how, like, if you're somebody who recognizes and is sensitive to judgment, now you have a kid. And now when people judge your kid. you feel those things. And also when people see your kid doing something, you feel like a parenting judgment, you know? So for example, if you're like at a meal and
your kid's acting up, there's so much involved in that. It's like if your kid's acting up in a vacuum, that's one thing. When your kid is acting up in front of strangers, that's another thing. Then in front of people that you know as well as strangers.
Then you're on like another level, you know, so it's like how you handle this matters and people you can just tell. I know when you're around certain people, you know the things that they believe based on the way that they raise their own kids. Different people have different parenting styles. Some.
parent some parenting styles are like some people in my life are hardcore like calm parenting like gentle parenting kind of thing like you know like spank obviously no spankings but not even like you're not yelling
You're not saying no. You're creating an environment of yes. You're dealing with things after the heat of the situation, whatever. And that's more what I imagine is the right path. I don't know. But then there's people in my life who are... there's the extreme there's gestapo and then there's you know everything in between okay so how you choose to parent your kid is sort of on public display and
When a kid is acting out, it's sort of this message that whatever I'm doing is not working, you know, and everybody's got an opinion and you can feel it sometimes. It depends the type of person, but you know, like. I'm described like, so let me describe to you. Let's say that there's somebody in your life who like reads a lot of books and podcasts on like gentle parenting or something and they talk about it. They're signaling to you. Signaling is a huge thing.
oh my gosh i am i signaling is something i think about a lot that i i find myself doing and a lot of people do and i find that i dislike people who signal a lot so This is a whole circular thing here for you. But there are people in my life who like, I'm going to create a fictitious person named Jacques. And Jacques signals.
a lot about gentle parenting and calm parenting by talking about the books that he's read and the the parenting lectures he listens to or whatever and that kind of thing um and just yeah okay Then you're sitting down with Jacques. Oh, also Jacques has been like, yeah, and rolled his eyes about Jean-Claude. Sorry for the French names. Rolled his eyes about Jean-Claude.
The way that, oh, he's so, like, and he spanks his kid, you know? So, okay, so Jacques has already expressed to you that he believes something strongly and also that he's willing or that he judges other people for... going the opposite way okay now you're sitting down to eat with jacques okay why did i pick these weird names now you're sitting down to eat with jacques your kids acting up and what do you do if you just say like no
shut up stupid thing that's how that's how i yell at my kids you know you feel you're like oh i'm in the pile of people that jock thinks are too harsh and now i'm on his list of people to sort of murmur about with other friends in our group or something you know but if i'm too calm then jim jim jong uh let's just let's stick to bob and bill and barack so so so you got bob at the other end of the table and he sees you going no no no no
How do we... Okay, now I know you're having big emotions right now. Let's talk about how do you feel right now. No, no, no, no. Okay, we're going to walk away. What is, you know, okay. Anyway, can you say, okay, Bob is like, um, all right, well, you know, that's clearly not working. And Bob, Bob's murmuring to his buddies and going like,
Like, you know, sometimes, and he'll signal the opposite. He'll go, you know, this, you know, this gentle parenting stuff or whatever. It's like, it's like, it's, you know, the coddling of the American mind. This is, you know, like you need.
Kids need barriers and they need to know that you're the boss. I don't know, I'm making this up. You get the scenario. This is life for me. You're surrounded by people who have... strong opinions and they're conflicting and especially if those people uh oh whatever all right so you you get the point the goal is to think for yourself
to have your own opinions but it's not that easy because a lot of times i'm taking notes from other people because i don't know how to raise a kid i want more information um again this isn't just kid raising this is everything this is everything The goal is like to just be yourself, you know, and not care about what other people think and just do your own thing and go your own way proudly. And you can think of people in your life that are like this, but that.
You have to be willing to accept people thinking you're an idiot and expressing that you're an idiot. You know? because in their mind because if you pick something this is why it is it's a it's a brave thing to have opinions that sticky note that i have at my desk that says that says um what does it say Don't be too scared to have opinions or something. Have the courage to have opinions. That's what it is. And this is a very similar thing. Anyhow.
The thing that I actually wanted to tell you kind of related to this and what's been my current mantra for dealing with this, as we talked about like mantras in an episode previously, is that your judgment of me. jean or jock or whatever his judgment of me and my parenting whatever your judgment of me is a prison for yourself it's a prison of your own making that you're putting yourself in i don't have to
I don't have to validate it, propagate it, listen to it. And what it does, this is the unfortunate thing because I know this because I judge people. If you judge somebody who... uses DoorDash. Why are you broke? It's not because inflation. It's because you have a taxi for your burrito. I think that's a Tim Dillon joke. Because you bought a taxi for your burrito.
All right, so I'm judging you for eating DoorDash, okay? Now what I've done is I've done nothing but put a prison up around me that says I can't have DoorDash now lest I, you know, be a hypocrite. That's what it is. Lest I am a hypocrite. That's the subtext under that prison for yourself that you create every time. You just mean, why do you do that? You do it to make yourself feel good. You're putting somebody else down and you're signaling to yourself that you are not.
When you say like, oh, these idiots using DoorDash or whatever, all the time, this is why they're broke, whatever. You're just, you're puffing yourself up. You're trying to, you're talking to yourself and you're saying, you know, you're good.
Because when you say someone else is bad, it's an easy way to say you're good. People do this on the internet all the time. Because it's the shorthand by criticizing. It's easy and it's lazy to criticize. And when you do... in a lazy way especially in a general way you think and you actually are you're getting some just sloppy offhand benefit that's like oh he's critical of that thing he must be better than that thing
You know? Oh, he thinks that design is shit. It's like, oh, he must be a better designer than that. You know, which is not true at all. This is like a, I'm going to call this the criticizer's fallacy. You know? thinking people thinking that that um when someone is critical that they seem smart people thinking that person is smart because it works it's true it makes you look a little smart and discerning you know
But it's really easy. It doesn't mean you're smart. We've talked about that ad nauseum, but that's something that plays out on the internet all the time. And if you want a cheat code, if you want to go on Twitter and get a bunch of engagement or whatever. Like, please do this. Be critical. Just be overtly and generously critical of everything and you will appear smart and discerning. Okay.
So the point is, is that this is the thing I am now trying to tell myself. When I recognize that feeling, that insecure feeling of being judged, that, oh, am I a parent that lacks? the discipline to separate themselves from a situation and, and others perceive me that way. When I say, when I say, no, do not river do.
not put that you listen to me right now river you know this this is a good impression of me when i'm in my rivers defying me zone right so when i'm perceived that way it's like when those thoughts creep in
It's like two things. It's first, get the judges off of my, get the imaginary judges off of my back. And to do that, I ask myself, like, this judgment that they're... you know this even if it's not even real the judgment that i feel towards them that's a prison for themselves of their own making And it actually says more about them than it does about me. And this all works in reverse because I'm right there with them as a judger of people.
The judgment says more about them than it does about me. It says more about them and what they're trying to signal about their parenting and their insecurities of being perceived as something. And the next step is, what do I believe? And what would I do in a vacuum? What would I do if nobody was watching? What do I want to do? And I will just do that and be proud in that, despite knowing that some people, half of the people, will think something negative about me.
And I just have to be okay with that. Which is a forever struggle of mine. Being okay with people thinking negative things about me. Not simple. Not easy. But it's important because it frees you up to hold your own opinions. proudly and be yourself, which is a stupid thing to say. Throw that right in the trash. That's a dumb thing to say. Let me put some skin on those bones. It frees you up to
Not to make a decision and not be pulled away from it. That's what it is. It's not being yourself. It's about thinking for a minute and deciding what you like. or what you want to do, or how you want to raise your kids, and not being swayed or yanked around because some other people disagree with that. That's what it is. It's not about being yourself, because that, I think, is a nothing statement.
Yeah. All right. So these are a bunch of thoughts, but that's it. Judgment and contempt. They say more about the other person than generally than it does about you. Your contempt for somebody else says more about you than it does about them often. Your jealousy for somebody else says more about you than it does about them. And all these things are spawns of... root levels of insecurity. And yeah, and fear is holding hands with insecurity right there. And all these things come from that.
so i'm more attacking you know this is a more downstream effects of fear and insecurity i'll let you know when i figure out how to actually attack fear and insecurity directly but something i do know is i'm not sure i can think my way to it that's something that seems that's my temptation is to think my way out of things but the reality is is that
exercising, getting out, feeling strong physically, putting yourself in environments of people you're comfortable with. Those are all things. Those are all environmental changes that can, that can actually. make those like sort of deep changes i can't think my way out of them but i can combat them with the big hammers it's like a weak it's a weak little fly swatter to try to think your way out of being a certain way if you want to do it get the sledgehammer
That's changing your environment, changing the people you're around, finding the things that cause those things, removing them and finding things that cause the other thing, the thing you want to make you feel the way you want to feel and doing them. And again.
it body and physicality has a lot to do with these things mentally um feeling good about yourself you know and and just straight up like exercising weeds a lot of this stuff out i say as somebody who dabbles in exercising and never really does it that frequently that consistently um anyhow good talk i'll be seeing you