¶ Resilience and Self-Care
From the ground up or from up down to the bottom level . People are afraid they are not dealing with their own mess , and the more you go up in the corporate ladder , it seems that the more rigid you become , the more blocked you become , the less time you have to deal with you .
You have to worry about so many things where you tend to not worry about you . We've lost touch of self .
Hello and welcome to Notes on Resilience . I'm your host , Manya Chylinski . My guest today is Nyeesha Williams . She is a mental well-being expert , adjunct professor , humanitarian author , life coach , a NAMI board member , and she has an unwavering commitment to mental health and mental well-being .
We had a fabulous conversation about resiliency , about the importance of self-care and self-compassion , and a lot about how do we show up in the world . I hope that you enjoy this conversation as much as I did and if you're listening on Apple Podcast , please subscribe and leave us a review , and in the show notes there's a link to a Google Form .
We would love your feedback what you like about the podcast , maybe what you wish we'd do differently . Thanks for listening . Hi , naisha , I'm so thrilled that you and I are talking today . Thanks for being here .
You're very , very welcome , Manja . Thank you so much for having me .
There's a question I ask all my guests before we get into the . Who are you question , and that is if you could have any superpower , what would that be ?
Okay , so if you were to ask younger Naisha , up until about five years ago , it would be telekinesis . That would be my superpower .
Okay .
But I think I've kind of manifested that power and it's heavy . So my superpower today will be exactly what I believe I have already , and that is the superpower of my voice . My voice is my superpower . I believe in the power of truth telling . So that would be the superpower that I would love to continue to have .
Oh , I love it . I love it and I'm glad that you have that superpower . We need more people who are truth telling and using their voices to share , so thank you for that . So tell me who you are and why is it that you and I are chatting about resiliency today ?
My goodness , this question always gets me . Who am I ? I am a wife , a mother , a community leader , a lover of love . I am a young black girl here , pushing through all of the adversity that was given to me and living gracefully without any grudges or malicious feelings towards anything or anyone . I am a powerhouse in my own right .
I am someone who believes in healing . I am someone who believes in authenticity . I am Naisha D Williams .
Wow , I am someone who was honored to be speaking to you today . Thank you , and thank you for sharing . And now I think resiliency is a topic that you are intimately acquainted with . So how do you define resiliency ?
That's a good question . How do I define resiliency ? Resiliency to me is the ability to withstand gracefully , and that is something or quality that , no matter what you go through , you are able to find the less than in it , create a plan to get out of it and provide yourself with grace that you've withstood it . That's resiliency to me .
I like that definition and I like you've mentioned the concept of grace a couple of times and tell me why that is important .
It is so important to me because I remember how it felt when I did not give myself grace . Since a very young age , I felt like that's all I was , was resilient . I was facing a lot of adversity , a lot of trials , a lot of tribulations , a lot of challenges . I've seen so much and because I was in these particular positions , I was so angry at myself .
I was so mad that I made these decisions , not understanding that I was only navigating life the best way . I knew how , and that is what I needed in order for me to continue to heal my inner child and to continue to take it day by day . Right Now , providing myself with grace , I can say this baggage is not mine , right ?
Yes , this load is not mine to carry . This is just my current circumstance , this is how I plan to get out of it , and I don't have to hold on to it moving forward .
Wow , that must have been such an amazing feeling when you realized that .
Well , yeah , on a somatic level , I mean , I lost weight , I gained better friendships , I started achieving in ways that I wanted to achieve . So , yes , it felt amazing .
And one of the things you said is so important . You said I'm navigating the life that I've been given .
I'm navigating what is happening around me Because you know , we talk about personal resiliency but we all exist within a society and within institutions and within organizations , and they have an impact on who we are and how resilient we can be , or that we need to be Right , I agree , I agree .
So what do you think people misunderstand about the concept of resilience ?
I think sometimes people equate resilience to rigidness . I think that when people believe that they have to be resilient , they create this wall as a way to defend anything that resembles what made them resilient in the first place , and I disagree . I think that two things can be truthful at the same time .
I've been able to be resilient in the way that I have the capacity to withstand certain things , but I am also soft and open enough to embrace what life brings me , and I find that sometimes , when people think about this word resilience , it kind of keeps them from living in the now or being in a moment .
Yeah , that's interesting . In what way do you think that can keep people from living in the moment ?
I'll speak on what I found with myself . Okay , the misconception of resilience for me . When I was younger , before I really made the decision to be diligent in my healing , I did not practice forgiveness and that was me being what I thought was resilient .
I'm gonna create these non-negotiables and these boundaries , but I really wasn't creating healthy boundaries , right ? I was just saying you look like you sound like you remind me of someone that hurt me , so I'm not even going to have a conversation .
You look like , you sound like an institution or an organization that I am believed to not embrace , so I will not be in alignment , and that kept me from connecting to so many different people .
And the moment I decided to forgive not as a gift for other people , but for myself I started to soften and I can walk in these doors of places where I was told that I shouldn't .
I can have conversations with people that I was raised to believe that I shouldn't be having conversations with , and I made powerful connections and I've learned so much about people by choosing to really learn what resilience meant , really learn what forgiveness meant and then really learn what connectivity was all about .
Yes , as you were saying , that it's so human to want to push away somebody or something that reminds you of the thing that hurt you , and it takes a lot of work to move past that . So imagine the kind of work that you have done . Now you mentioned institutions .
We've touched on this a little bit , but what do you think is the role of our systems , our institutions , society at large , in helping people be resilient and in not sort of squashing down people's resilience ?
That's a really good question and I believe these institutions have to bring a humanistic side . I am a firm believer in storytelling and truth telling , and when we understand that vulnerability is a superpower as well , we can go a long way .
So these people behind these institutions that want to squash , like you said , versus creating safe spaces to unpack , to be truthful about their experiences and then create a space where they can guide others that may have similar experiences , I think we can be in a better place . We stay . The people that run certain institutions stay behind that building .
They stay behind that wall and I think when we choose bravery to come from behind the wall and say , hey , we've made a mistake , hey , we are ignorant to this particular situation , we are willing and we'll love to learn . Just that act can go a very , very , very long way .
But why does it seem , at least from my perspective , from the outside ? Why does it seem so hard for some organizations and some institutions to really lean into this ?
For me . So I do a lot of corporate wellness work , and from the ground up , or from up down to the bottom level , people are afraid they are not dealing with their own mess , and the more you go up in the corporate ladder , it seems that the more rigid you become , the more blocked you become , the less time you have to deal with you .
Right , you have so much fluff that's going on . You got to worry about bylaws , you got to worry about branding , you got to worry about imagery . You have to worry about so many things where you tend to not worry about you . And if we can start going back to the mirror and remembering where we were when , I think it can change a lot .
So , as far as the difficulty and why it's not happening , we've
¶ Compassion and Self-Care in Changing World
lost touch of self . We've lost touch of self . There's so many adults navigating this life , still as little children , and that once we start healing our little girl , the little girl or the little boy , then we can see a change .
Thank you . That really rings true to me and it gives me hope that we can make these bigger changes . But as you say , to make the bigger changes we actually have to individually decide to make a change Without a doubt , without a doubt . Wow .
Okay .
So what is an important lesson about resilience or compassion ? Maybe that you've learned through your experiences ?
Oh , compassion . When I think about the word compassion , I think about something that I say all the time to the young girls that I come across be the change that you want to see . And how does that work ? You start with self-compassion . Be compassionate to yourself .
If you see that someone is having a hard time or there's a matter in which you have the strength , capacity and power to assist them , be compassionate to that person or people in that situation and you will start to see that when you give to self and when you give to others in a way that you know to be true , it's like a ripple effect .
You create a group that does it , then you can create city that does it , a community that does it , the state does it at large , and I think that , yeah , that's what comes to mind when I think about compassion .
I found myself doing that growing up and I think that that helped me a lot with breaking through some of the barriers that I've created for myself to remain compassionate , to move with care , and , yeah , I think that that is something that I applaud my younger self for doing , and I hope that others understand the power in using this act .
Yeah , wow . And you know , something that you said reminds me of a conversation I've had with someone recently . You said to be compassionate when you have the ability to do that , because sometimes taking care of ourselves or the way that we show up in the world means we have to maybe not care about everything that's happening .
And I know that sounds really cruel , but I was just speaking with a friend about if you look at the news , there are a lot of really difficult things happening in a lot of places and if you had compassion for all of them or a deep level of caring about every one of these things , you wouldn't be able to do anything else .
So it's finding that balance of having that compassion , having self-care and also , you know , still appreciating that other people are going through difficulties . How do you navigate that ?
Oh , simply , this is too much for me to carry and , Naisha , it's okay if you cannot carry this as an empath .
I feel everything , everything , and I know that it seems like this is the way that everybody wants to say that they're an empath , but through and through I feel it , I can sense it before someone can see it or before I can see it , and for a lot of years I tried to help everyone sit on every call to be there and if something is going on , I mean it
was crippling to the point where I couldn't effectively show up right , and that's similar to . I was raised in the inner city in New Jersey and I made the decision to move my family from New Jersey to California and no one understood it . How can you do this ? How can you do this ? You're leaving , you're leaving .
You've built this community in your city and you're helping so many people and that in that moment I knew that I was holding too much , I was witnessing too much , I was seeing too much . I had to step away , and I think that's what we have to do .
When we see so much is going on in social media and the news , we have to step away to show compassion for ourselves and say how can you show up for yourself in a way that you can in a healthy matter , then show up for others .
And if there's too much for you to see on social media , if there's too much for you to see on the news , there's so many people like you should be advocating . And it's like what if something happens to me , how can I effectively advocate ? I have to breathe first . I have to find a way that I'm clear so I can say okay , this resonates , this works .
I can show up in this capacity . If it becomes overwhelming , I may have to step away again . Because you want the effectiveness , right . You want the intentionality to happen . You want me to be intentional , impeccable with my word .
I can only do that if I'm right , right right and in this world of social media and the 24 seven news cycle and all this information that's coming at us , I think it's in some ways built this expectation that we all will respond to all of these things when they happen , and it isn't possible to do that in a healthy way for an individual .
Everyone has their strengths .
Yeah .
And I learned some time ago , a very long time ago . But what I really realized it was when George Floyd happened . I was not in the street marching . I was not . I get it , I respect it , I understand the people that did , but I didn't have the mental capacity for that .
I knew my strength and I knew that I can create safe spaces for people when they left the street , when they needed to cry , when they needed to unpack , when they needed to find a place where they can be vulnerable , to gain their strength again , to go back out . And we have to understand , especially , like you said , on this 24 seven cycle of news .
Some people just handle it differently , that's it .
You know I actually don't watch the news . I get the news of the big things . Eventually you will hear something big enough that you need to know . But I realized , especially after the bombing , that it just was too much for me and to handle the other people's pain in the world and I take it on too much .
So to be healthy and to be able to do the work that I do , I have to build that barrier and for the longest time almost nobody I knew understood that .
Wow , wow . And with everything in life , the . I believe that some do understand it I do . But I also feel that when you say I can't , it sounds like something different to them and they're upset at the different right . They're upset at what they hear , not what you're saying .
Yeah , that's a great way to think about it .
I believe that's what it is , when Mania says I just cannot hold this . This is too heavy for me . Jason or Jessica , she heard something completely different and she's mad at what she heard . Yes , mania is just trying to show up for herself , right ?
We are just trying to show up for ourselves , because we want to show up for the world , but we also know that we have right . We have to do this first .
Right , yeah , and you know , more power to the people who can do the things like go to the rallies and march and do the signs , and I think that's great . That has never been me , but I'm so in awe of people that that's the way they want to show up in the world . And you're right what you're saying there's room for all of us . We all have a role .
It can be hard sometimes when somebody that you know or trust doesn't want to take the same role that you do .
I think and that goes back to compassion how dare I force what I do upon you If this is not the role that resonates with you and it carries or showcases your strength and it will keep you in a place where you get the job done but you can still go home and be at peace ?
How dare I say , oh , this is what you should be doing , although this is a disservice to you ? No , my responsibility as a human is to create space for you and say and what capacity can you show up and what ways can you show up ?
How can I be of service for you so we can move as a collective and you do the same thing for me , so we can execute right , we can really create an impactful change . But if we're all doing the same thing , baby , what about the other barriers ? What do you think ?
Oh , somebody has to feed and support the people who are doing the same thing . Yes , well , naisha , what is giving you hope now ?
What is giving me hope ? That is a really good question . The pockets of goodness that I see there is still good that's happening in the world and if I can see it , if I can hear it , if I can be a part of it , that gives me hope that I can see here and be a part of it . On a larger scale , there are people , all of us .
We wanna do good , we wanna do good , we wanna know good , we wanna be , we want good , we crave good . Sometimes we're just afraid of how to go about doing it and if we can continue to create these spaces where the fear becomes crippling for our community , what we can say is safe , it's safe to be okay . We can have those quote-unquote soldiers , right .
We can have the people on the street . We can have the mental health professionals . We can have the practitioners . We can have all of that if we just move as if we are to create the safe space right . We don't have to have a large congregation . We can just be the congregation . We can just be the safe space for other people .
So when you come across a mania , when you come across a Naisha , she has learned to be compassionate , she has learned to be a loving individual . She has learned to represent what it looks like to be there for self and for community , and if you just interact with us , then that will then give you hope and inspiration to do that for the next person .
Ah , I love it . I want that to be my answer too , and we're getting close to the end , so I would love to know what would you tell your 18 year old self about resiliency ?
I would tell my 18 year old self that being resilient can be a good thing . It is a good thing , but wearing it as a badge of armor in a way that it prevents you from receiving good is not something that you need to hold .
Do you think your 18 year old self would have understood that ?
I think my 18 year old self would have cried and didn't work to understand it . But , out of doubt , I know my 18 year old self would have loved for someone to say that to her .
Yeah , yeah . Well , Nyeesha , we're at the end of our time and I'm sad about that because I'm loving talking to you . Before we sign off , please tell our listeners how they can reach you and learn more about you and your work .
So you can visit my website , which is nyeeshawilliams . com . That's in as a Nancy Y E E S , as in Sam H A Williams . com . On every platform on social media , my handle is NaishaD , so that's NaishaD , as in Deborah .
Excellent . Well , we'll put links in the show notes so people can get to you easily . Thank you so much . I've really enjoyed our conversation .
You're so very welcome . Thank you for having me again , mamia .
And thanks to our listeners , and I will see you on the next episode . Thank you for listening .
I hope you got as much out of this conversation as I did , so if you'd like to learn more about me , Manya Chylinski , I work with organizations to help understand how to create environments where people can thrive after difficult life experiences , and I do this through talks and consulting .
I'm a survivor of mass violence and I use my experience to help leaders learn about resiliency , compassion and trauma-sensitive leadership To build strategies to enable teams to thrive and be engaged amidst difficulty and turmoil . If this is something you want to learn more about , visit my website , www . manyachylinski . com , or email me at manya@manyachylinski .
com , or stop by my social media on LinkedIn and Twitter . Thanks so much .