Drowning in news and unable to breathe, we tried to follow “The Bachelor,” only to find out that the new bachelor smashed his face open on multiple cocktail glasses this week while playing golf. Meanwhile, the woman who claimed that meth found inside her vagina belonged to someone else finally admitted that the meth was, as everyone suspected, hers. Speaking of meth, Trump’s appearance and behavior–specifically, dilated pupils and paranoid psychosis–indicate that he may be addicted to Sudafed, a...
Oct 11, 2019•38 min•Season 1Ep. 97
We are so overwhelmed by the news that we’ve decided to take a step back and produce “Impeachment: the Movie,” featuring a phalanx of Republican insaniacs and the most eclectic ensemble cast of all time. While the Republicans spew conspiracy theories, the Democrats are looking to the future with real policy proposals. For example, Joe Biden is pitching a tax credit that will benefit 750 million American women. Elsewhere, a fitness instructor was sentenced to five years in prison for harassing bo...
Oct 03, 2019•47 min•Season 1Ep. 96
The creaky gears of justice finally appear to be turning, yet everything is still terrible. We delve into the Trump-Zalensky phone call, troubles at the We Company and the fraud that is ComScore. Also on the docket: a New Jersey couple goes under the knife to correct their RBF; Mark Ronson reveals his sexual orientation (spoiler: he’s attracted to beautiful, smart women); Gucci predicts people will be wearing straitjackets next summer; and Irish Rail has an unusual explanation for their train de...
Sep 27, 2019•41 min•Season 1Ep. 95
This week, we learned that Joe Biden’s idea of a sick burn is to call someone “Esther,” as in Esther Williams, the late swimming star of the silver screen, whose heyday was in the 1950s. In Australia, a fire at a farm caused a massive bull semen explosion. The New York Times broke a bombshell story about Brett Kavanaugh, but completely botched the rollout, yet again. Disgraced White House press secretary Sean Spicer made his debut on “Dancing With the Stars” in a pirate shirt on the same day tha...
Sep 19, 2019•42 min•Season 1Ep. 94
National Security Adviser John Bolton became the latest Trump Administration official to be fired via Twitter–or did he resign? We may never know. The new iPhone is finally here and it’s wreaking havoc on those struggling with a rare condition called trypophobia. Fox Searchlight, known for Oscar-bait dramas such as “12 Years a Slave” and “The Descendants,” is now bringing to the silver screen a biopic about Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. A high-school swimmer won the 100-meter race, only to be disqualifie...
Sep 12, 2019•40 min•Season 1Ep. 93
As hurricane Dorian heads to the Carolinas–not Alabama–the idea of storm size has become the new crowd size, which was once the new hand size. Meanwhile, the British government is spiraling out of control and a 73-year-old Irish folk singer is poised to invade a remote British island which is actually a rock. Dairy Queen denied that its hamburgers contain human meat, raising questions about what other types of meat are not in the burgers. Researchers at the Smithsonian identified a new species o...
Sep 06, 2019•35 min•Season 1Ep. 92
We returned from our summer vacations to find a nation crawling with bedbugs and lusting over a chicken sandwich. Some people were losing their minds over a recipe for a chicken quesadilla fried deep dish pizza. Others stopped bathing for health or productivity reasons (and they promise they don’t smell.) An Australian chef shared a confusing recipe for a fish turducken. Rachel went to a restaurant in Germany featuring hand soap that was inspired by a sausage. Brian went to a restaurant in New Y...
Aug 29, 2019•55 min•Season 1Ep. 91
It’s the dog days of summer, but for Rachel and Brian, it’s just silly season. In this politics-free episode, a woman hid meth in her vagina and a man hid cocaine in his toupee. Another woman got an octopus stuck on her face and then waited two days before going to the hospital. Men in England are paying big bucks to get wedgies in public and to clean the home of a 68-year-old dominatrix. People in Hollywood are taking out Disgrace Insurance to protect themselves from public shaming, which is me...
Aug 17, 2019•30 min•Season 1Ep. 90
It’s the dog days of summer, and we’ve had enough of everything: the “hard seltzer,” paid internships that require abstaining from “frosé,” tasting bacon all day and watching all 20 Marvel movies consecutively, these motherf—-ing snakes on this motherf—-ing plane. Nope to all of it. Also on the docket: we explain why everyone is talking about “30-50 feral hogs” as if they are the new generously buttered noodles. Equinox and SoulCycle are cancelled. We interview friend of the pod Ellen Gamerman a...
Aug 08, 2019•40 min•Season 1Ep. 89
After seeing the trailer for “Top Gun: Maverick” last week, we were compelled to watch the original “Top Gun” for the very first time, and we needed some time to process what we saw. Now we’re back, amid one of the worst weeks on record, and ready to do a deep dive into the goings-on of Goose, Maverick, Iceman and, last but not least, Wolfman. Also on the docket: Marianne Williamson stole the show at the Democratic Debates; the New York Times revealed that Jeffrey Epstein planned to freeze his p...
Aug 03, 2019•44 min•Season 1Ep. 88
It's summertime and the living is....terrible. So we're grasping for some shreds of sanity by taking it a little easy in August. No new episode this week, and the schedule for August will be irregular, but we'll be back to our usual Thursday morning episodes come Labor Day. Stay cool, stay #NOPE!
Jul 26, 2019•1 min
It’s been a terribly confusing week, but luckily we were joined by a special guest, jack of all trades John Jannuzzi, who helped us clear up and shut down topics like the FaceApp, created by a Russian company that is harvesting our biometrics a year before a presidential election. (Everything’s fine.) Also on the docket: Millennial women are being haunted on Instagram by a Danny DeVito crop top; a reporter caused a stir at Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s cryptocurrency press conference by wea...
Jul 18, 2019•40 min•Season 1Ep. 87
You know it’s a terrible week when you wish there was an earthquake in New York so you’d have a legit excuse to be hiding under the table. We shut down Trump’s Revolutionary War fan-fic Fourth of July speech; an executive who behaves like an in-orbit astronaut in the office; a browser plug-in that allows you to stealthily watch “The Office” while in the office; a woman in Texas who faces 20 years in prison for licking ice cream; British birders who couldn’t distinguish a seagull from an eagle an...
Jul 11, 2019•37 min•Season 1Ep. 86
The Fourth of July weekend is upon us and it’s already turning out to be terrible. First we learned that Betsy Ross was not so much a patriotic seamstress as she was a racist plagiarist. And now, We the People, the American taxpayers, are going to be left footing the bill for an obscene MAGA rally, complete with the finest Sherman tanks your 1957 dollars can buy. And I’ll tell you what we will not be doing. We will not be making PBS.org’s recipe for a red white and blue potato salad, which combi...
Jul 04, 2019•35 min•Season 1Ep. 85
We emerge from a hallway of horrors this week to shut it down with novelist and friend of the pod Lauren Mechling. If you’ve ever asked yourself “Why do there need to be five moderators for the Democratic debates?” you’ve come to the right place. Other questions we seek to answer this week: Are people really growing horns on the backs of their heads? Why are we living in an age that can only be described as “anti-corrodic”? How do you tell time in Sommaroy, Norway? What is the appropriate attire...
Jun 27, 2019•51 min•Season 1Ep. 84
It’s been a terrible week, but only one of us was paying attention. Rachel hasn’t slept since she decided to adopt a St. Berdoodle puppy on Sunday–unfortunately one day too late to enter the Miss Dog Mom USA pageant in Brooklyn. Meanwhile, Jerry Falwell Jr. and his wife Becky are embroiled in a possible love triangle with a Miami pool boy; Lenny Dykstra spent nine hours in a New Jersey dumpster looking for his teeth; an Alabama man sicced a meth-addicted attack squirrel on the police; and an ent...
Jun 20, 2019•43 min•Season 1Ep. 83
After recovering from a fugue state, we shut down everything this week from Chernobyl to Twizzlers. Our finest living patron of the arts, Seth Fradkoff, shares a distressing story about getting kicked out of “Tootsie: The Musical” on Broadway for taking a stand against loud snacks. Also on the docket: Manhattan prosecutor-turned-novelist Linda Fairstein attempted to un-cancel herself via op-ed; a British woman revealed that she paid her way through college by naming nearly 700,000 Chinese babies...
Jun 13, 2019•42 min•Season 1Ep. 82
Much like a celebrity driving a brand-new Bugatti through Midtown Manhattan, this week we dealt with the consequences of terrible, yet predictable, situations. Following a flight to London, Brian got swept up in a delegation from Mauritius before being forced to surrender to the Heathrow airport authorities as an unregistered foreign agent. Meanwhile, Rachel was on her couch in New York contending with a Twitter pile-on for insulting the appearance and demeanor of Kimberly Guilfoyle. We conclude...
Jun 06, 2019•45 min•Season 1Ep. 81
For our second-ever transatlantic broadcast, Brian was holed up in a bar in the north of England and Rachel was home in New York City--and if we had had confidence that this week was not an abomination, we would have said so. To that end, we shut down Robert Mueller’s cryptically worded press conference; anarchy on Mt. Everest and an Antipodean uproar over a podcast called “The Sydney Gays.” Also on the docket: one government official compared Jews to carbon dioxide and another government offici...
May 30, 2019•44 min•Season 1Ep. 80
Our attempts to warg our troubles away were interrupted by an impromptu Donald Trump speech, in which the Victim-In-Chief announced that he was going on strike until the Democrats cease all of their investigations into his rampant misconduct. To which we say, Nope! Meanwhile, Mayor Bill de Blasio entered the Democratic 2020 field with a cringeworthy (and possibly illegal) video shot inside his taxpayer-funded luxury SUV; Kris Kobach sent a list of demands to the White House, including the requir...
May 23, 2019•44 min•Season 1Ep. 79
It’s been one of the most devastating weeks on record, as misogynist troglodytes in statehouses across the country mount an assault on women’s constitutional rights. But we’re back to fight another day and shut down misguided attempts to raise awareness, such as the #sexstrike endorsed by TV’s Alyssa Milano. Also on the docket: a used-car heiress staged a fake wedding because her hairstylist husband wouldn’t sign a prenup; our finest living vloggers, Tati and James Charles, end their friendship ...
May 16, 2019•43 min•Season 1Ep. 78
Despite the Uber/Lyft strike and a Louis Vuitton fashion show taking over JFK Airport, we finally made it to San Francisco to perform live at Betabrand’s fabulous Podcast Theatre! It was a week chock full of disgraceful topics to shut down. There was, of course, Donald Trump’s tax returns, a scandal at the Kentucky Derby, involving horses, and at the London Marathon, involving nurses. Also: Sonic the Hedgehog's unrealistic teeth caused a stir on the Internet, Burger King unleashed unhappy meals ...
May 11, 2019•54 min•Season 1Ep. 77
All week long, we cowered in an underground nook like Sansa Stark and Tyrion Lannister, emerging only to watch Bill Barr to run roughshod over the rule of law. Meanwhile, Barbara Corcoran threw herself a funeral, a Belgian water company created dinnerware to shame people who attempt to Instagram their food, a Taiwanese company is selling bib hammocks for Instagram aversion therapy, and people are renting parking spots in San Francisco because they can’t afford coworking spaces. Also on the docke...
May 02, 2019•44 min•Season 1Ep. 76
We thought it couldn't get worse than the fallout from the Mueller Report...but did we ever think Rachel would be airdropping Mueller dick-pics to hot guys in hotel lobbies? Plus: Presidential candidates recapping Game of Thrones, backwards Tom Ford dresses, GoDaddy violence, incoherent baby memes, and the revival of OK Cupid. Listen, subscribe, rate, review, and enjoy the terrible week that was.
Apr 25, 2019•42 min•Season 1Ep. 75
It’s been a terrible week. Things are only going to get worse when we see the Mueller report--with a rainbow of redactions--followed by the Giuliani “counter-report” that is either 150 pages, 79 pages or 35 pages long depending on the day or whom you ask. Meanwhile, a group of leading food companies have put mashed potatoes on the blockchain. Figs have revealed themselves to be homicidal maniacs. And just in time for prom, a Texas retailer is combining flowers and bread for a meme-inspired “cros...
Apr 18, 2019•34 min•Season 1Ep. 74
It’s been a terrible week, but at least we can finally see the black hole that is pulling us into space. Here on earth, a global fungus has hospitals in a panic; a woman in Taiwan has a family of bees living inside of her eye; Silicon Valley struggles with “undercorns”; and Chinese sperm banks are implementing “sperm-extraction machines” with custom sounds, visuals and even smells. Also on the docket: Rachel spends $100 in pursuit of an elusive postage stamp, Brian subscribes to a scandal-ridden...
Apr 11, 2019•34 min•Season 1Ep. 73
April is the cruelest month, especially when Google, Amtrak, Elon Musk and James Comey dabble in comedy. And if April Fool’s Day wasn’t terrible enough, there were the unfortunately timed new products like $315 Janties--yes, jean panties--and Cadbury Creme Egg Mayonnaise that you think are pranks, but are actually real things. We also shut down voice deepening coaches, prison coaches (for parents who hired a corrupt college admissions coach) and a new sushi restaurant in Tokyo that requires a st...
Apr 04, 2019•46 min•Season 1Ep. 72
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. Our hopes were dashed by Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s sudden bout of indecisiveness on the issue of obstruction . And in what can only be described as a Nope Turducken, the lawyer who defended Michael Jackson co-conspired with the lawyer who represented Stormy Daniels to try to extort money from Nike, Inc., the client of the law firm representing Theranos and Harvey Weinstein. Also on the docket: Yuri Geller tries to reverse Brexit via te...
Mar 28, 2019•42 min•Season 1Ep. 71
Just in time for spring, we managed to crawl out from underneath our weighted blankets to make sense of this horrible week. Together with Andrew Goldman, journalist and host of the podcast “The Originals,” we shut down the emerging sauce crisis on college campuses, the mysterious appeal of Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes and Kellyanne Conway’s "husband from hell.” Also on the docket: a Garfield-themed restaurant from Dubai is coming to Toronto; Julianne Moore won’t cut off her (prosthetic) nos...
Mar 21, 2019•46 min•Season 1Ep. 70
Like a Netflix crossover special of Full House, Desperate Housewives and Orange is the New Black, the college-cheating scandal known as Operation Varsity Blues captivated and revolted us in equal measure. We are a nation of grifters and there’s no turning back! Other terrible things we shut down this week: two dead people struggle to sell a house in the Hamptons that they designed to either prolong your life or end it; scientists are resurrecting the wooly mammoth and creating hybrid chicken din...
Mar 14, 2019•51 min•Season 1Ep. 69
