I used to pretend. Sometimes I'd sit down on the sofa with a cup of tea and I'd listen to the silence, and I actually would pretend that Henry, Jasper and Evan had just fallen asleep in the cot next door, and I was finally going to get just a few moments of peace before they woke up.
And that's why it was so quiet, And.
That's why it was so quiet. An oh, a bit of silence.
Hi. I'm kateline Brook, host of No Filter. My guest today is Sophie Smith. When Sophie and her husband Ash discovered they were expecting triplets, they thought they were stepping into the life they'd always dreamed of, becoming parents for the very first time. Instead, after going into premature labor halfway through her pregnancy, Sophie found herself facing unimaginable heartbreak. Over the months that followed, she and Ash lost all
three of their baby boys. In the years since, Sophie has transformed that grief into something extraordinary, founding Running for Premature Babies, a charity that has helped save the lives of thousands of premature babies across Australia. Sophie and Ash later welcomed two more sons, Owen and Harvey, before tragedies struck their family once again when Ash was diagnosed with brain cancer and died. But somehow, despite all she has endured,
Sophie's story is not just one of loss. It's a story about perseverance, about purpose, motherhood, hope, and about what it means to keep going when life turns out nothing like you expected. Mostly really, it's about love. This is Sophie Smith. Sophie Smith, Welcome to No Filter.
Thank you, Keith.
I'd like to preface our conversation by extending my regret at what has led us to be having this conversation. Thank you, the loss of four of your boys, your triplets, and of course your beloved husband, Ash. But what it has led to for you is the publication of this book called Sophie's Boys. And it is such a discovery and a revelation of grief and so searingly honest that when I was finishing this book yesterday morning it was probably about said thirty in the morning, I was absolutely howling.
It's quite a master work and a work of the soul.
Thank you. I hope that you found that it was also a story of hope over a story of despair. And because that's what I see my story, as you know it's I would hope that it's uplifting rather than depressing. Even though you know it's sad, there's still so much hope.
I think, well, you're living testament to that, really, because people who have encountered loss, and if you live, you will lose, right, we know that about life. But for you to have encountered such devastating loss and repeatedly, and then to have not only picked yourself up, but to have picked up others around you is such a test stument to the human spirit and such a balm to the human spirit.
Thank you, I mean, you know, I feel like it's actually helped me. I can't imagine how my life would be if it hadn't been for you know, the charity that's come from my boys and the fact that I've been able to bring them with me on the journey of the last twenty years through running for Premature Babies.
Yeah, so the charity is running for premature babies. And you know about premature babies because in two thousand and six, so twenty years ago, you were pregnant with triplets. Tell me about how you came to that point to be expected three babies as your first baby.
Yeah, it was just, oh, it was just so incredible when Ash and I. I was recently married to Ash, and when we found out that we were pregnant with not one, not two, but three babies, it was really such a spin out. I mean, we couldn't believe it,
but we couldn't think of anything more wonderful. I remember at the very first scan when we found out we were having three, and I mean, it was a huge shock, but I remember when the sonographer was just measuring the three little ones in there, and one of them was too small, and the sonographer said, oh, you know, there's three, but come back in two weeks because this other little one, you know, probably won't make it. And I remember walking out of that room and Ash holding my hand and saying,
Bobz's I really hope that little one makes it. And I just thought that was so beautiful that right from the beginning we sort of loved them all. And when we went back two weeks later, the little one had caught up, and yeah, we continued on with the pregnancy. We were so excited. I used to love it when people would, you know, random strangers would see that I was pregnant and say, oh, you know, congratulations, is it your first? And I used to absolutely love saying yeah,
it's my first. Three. We spent the next six months preparing for this instant family. We found a triplet buggy which was so cute, and we got it home and we assembled it and it sat in our hallway and it was like these three little seats in a line awaiting this precious cargo, and I couldn't wait to be
pushing them around Centennial Park. And yeah, I just, you know, I didn't really I remember at the beginning, I didn't really consider all the sort of logistics of the difficulties, how difficult it would be to be a mother of three babies. I just thought we were blessed.
Well, that seem interesting because normally paper arre overwhelmed at the prospect of having their first chart being a single and yet because you didn't know any other way to be.
I think that's right. I think when I look back now, sometimes I wonder how was I so blase about being pregnant with three? But because I'd never been pregnant before, you know, and once we got over the sort of initial shock of the fact that we were having three babies. We were just you know, we were all up for it and just super excited.
Because you've also got the spirit of an adventurer. I mean, you came to our shores from the UK, you were born in Japan, you lived extensively as a child in Asia. Then you came here as a teacher and you met you fell in love with one of our finest Ash.
I sure did.
And what were you looking for at the time? Were you looking for adventure for us?
At the time I met Ash, I was just living in the present, living in the moment, having a great time. I was new to Sydney. I met Ash a week before the Olympics, and we had our first date on the night of the opening ceremony of the Olympics, and the city was a buzz And the next two weeks
was just like a whirlwind of you know, fun. As you know, we met and we fell in love, and we were you know, Sydney was just on fire then and we were having a great time and and really we just we we just had a really great time together. And then we moved in together. And it was actually five years later we finally got married and then we were like, right, let's let's do this, Let's have kids.
And so you were thirty five then, and you were like, now's the time.
Yeah, I'm like, come on, let's get on with it. I always wanted to have a big family. And you know, I love I love kids. And I was working as a primary school teacher at the time, and I yeah, Ash and I were, and Ash was so excited as well. He was, Yeah, he was. He was a great dad. His his for our boys were his pride and joy, every all five of them. Well, it turned out.
In the in the book, and when you talk about the progression of the pregnancies and when things started to go awry, Ash really proved himself to be a perfect partner for you and a perfect dad at that time as well. So your pregnancy was traveling in a pretty uncomplicated manner until you were in a supermarket. You were twenty one weeks.
Pregnenty one weeks. Yeah, So yes, I was in the supermarket one morning and I felt this sort of I thought, oh, if I just wet myself, that's weird. I didn't really panic because I just thought, oh, it must be some weird pregnancy thing. I've just had some bladder leak. So I carried on with my supermarket shop. And then as I was getting home and I was sort of carrying my bags in, as I was walking up the stairs to the house, I suddenly felt this second sort of gush,
much bigger than the first. And then I just thought, oh, that's really weird. But still, I because it was so early on in the pregnancy, it wasn't. I didn't think it was my water's breaking because I didn't really think that that happened twenty one weeks into your pregnancy.
So I just read last week we've been pregnancies anymore.
Yeah, I just thought it was something weird, you know it. So I wasn't too worried. And I rang in the hospital and they said, they'll just come up and we'll we'll check you out. So Ash was at work. I don't think at that stage. Maybe I gave him a call and said, oh, don't worry, I'm just off to the hospital that's checking me out. And I got to the hospital and they said, okay, we'll just test. By
this stage, there was more. There was actually more when I was starting to think, what the hell is going on. And then they said, we're just going to test see what this is. And then they came back and I remember the doctor coming in and taking my hands. I was on my own still because I hadn't called Ash up. He took my hand and he looked me in the eyes and he said, we've just confirmed that that is
amniotic fluid. And this means that you will go into labor within the next twenty four hours and at twenty one week's gestation, nothing can be done to save your babies. They will all die.
And you were on your own.
I was on my own, and honestly, I can't even I mean, there aren't even the words to describe the horror, the absolute horror. I remember when I was pregnant a few weeks earlier, Ash had, as a surprise, had signed me up to this magazine from America called The Triplet Connection, and it was some triplet family magazine of triplet families, and anyway, this thing had arrived in the post and I'd ripped it open. I was so excited. I'm reading
about all these lovely triplet families. And then I got to this page in the magazine and it said in memory and There was a page where I was reading about people who's who were pregnant with triplets and their babies had died. And I sat there as I was reading this page, and I wept for these women somewhere in America who had lost whose babies had been born prematurely and they had died. And not for one second had I thought, did I think at that stage, Oh,
I hope that doesn't happen to me. It was just somebody else's tragedy. And there was one story where I read that somebody had had their three babies and one had died at birth, one had died a few days later, and one had died a few days after that. And I cried so many tears for this woman, and I remember thinking, how did she survive?
I can't.
I wouldn't survive if any you know, I couldn't. I wouldn't survive that. But I wasn't then scared for myself, because that was just somebody else's story. In my story. I was pregnant, I was fit, I was healthy, I was you know, I was so proud about being pregnant with triplets. And I was off doing you know, I was working, and I was going to the supermarket, and I was doing my thing, and in my mind, naive, call me naive. I just thought, you know, I knew
that the babies would be born prematurely. I've been worn. You know, you're having triplets born early. I thought that just meant, you know, maybe five or six weeks early. Maybe they'd have to spend a couple of weeks in hospitals to fatten up. But this, you know, I never considered that this was going to happen to me. And so when I was told suddenly, it was like being hit by a truck. I was suddenly told, your babies are going to die. And I could I just remember.
I remember the doctor leaving the room, and I was on my own in just I mean, it was I can't even there aren't even anyways to describe. And I rang ash and said you have to come quickly. Anyway, they told us, you know, twenty four hours the babies are coming. And then that didn't actually happen, and so we were kept in that thinking the livery suitet and
or maybe we were taken to the antenata ward. But anyway, they took us to some water, some bed somewhere and said okay, you know, you'll start to have contractions at some stage. Anyway, that day came and went, and the next day came and went, and by this stage that had stopped leaking as well. There was no more water coming out, and so they took me for a scan
and that was also I remember. We went for this scan, you know, in the department of the hospital, and there they were the three little babies on the screen of the scan and you could see them. They each had their own sack. They weren't identified, so they each had which meant they were less complicated. It was less less of a complicated pregnancy because the each had their own placenta,
they each had their own sack. And there they were, these three little sweet little things kicking about in their sacks. And even Henry. We didn't Henry whose waters had broken. He had somehow, I don't know, his bottom or his foot or something. It seemed to have plugged the hole. And so there was still a little bit of water
in his sack. And they told me that water is actually it will replenish because it's actually the baby's wi I mean, it's not a very logical way to put it, but the baby weeze and that's what the water is inside the sack. And I remember asking the doctor are saying, look, look at them, they're fine. They're all fine, Like, so does this mean does this mean they're all going to
be okay? And the doctor looked in and looked really grim and he said, well, there's probably like a one percent chance that they'll all be that, you know, you're going to remain pregnant. And I think he thought I was mad because for the last two days we were told you are going to deliver these babies, they are going to die. And suddenly somebody was telling me there was one chance they were all going to be fine.
Right, so you had one percent more than you had before.
We've got one percent. I'll take one percent. One percent. That's great, you know, yeah, let's let's do it. We'll be the one percent, thank you very much. And so so I just clung to that, you know that that But but that didn't happen, and five days later, my contraction started and we were wheeled back down to the delivery suite and Henry was born.
Little Henry, yeah, tiny, little Henry.
Yeah.
He was how heavy when he was born?
He was four hundred and fifty grams.
He was a.
Yeah, and he was born alive. And I was in great distress just before his birth. But Ash, he was just so wonderful because when Henry was born, Ash said to me, he's he's a like we didn't. We were told that they probably he probably wouldn't be born alive, he probably wouldn't survive the birth, and Ash said, he's alive. He actually even gave a tiny, tiny cry, like the tiniest little little squeak, and they put him up on my chest and Ash said, we have to give him a good life.
And even though he knew that that life was going to be very short.
So I'm so grateful for Ash for saying that, because when he said we have to give him a good life, I suddenly realized, you know, he's here with us now, this is his life. And we had one hour with him, one hour before he died, and in that hour I even and looking back actually over the lives of my three boys, I do feel like Henry's life was the best life. He had the most all he spent his whole life in my arms, and all he knew was love. And we spent the hour talking to him and telling
him how loved he was. I remember Ash holding me as I was holding Henry, and Ash said, I can't believe how much I love him.
And yeah, when when you gave birth to Henry, was that they did a cesarean? No, it was natural. I understand that the physiology of health. Yeah, works for you or for him.
Yeah. So I gave birth to Henry. I actually didn't even know. I don't know if it's too much information for your listeners, but I didn't even really know that he was so close to being born. I'd been in labor for hours, but I didn't know. And I actually thought that I needed to do a pooh when I went to the loo, and he was actually born when I was on the loo, and it was it was a horrible shock. But what happened was I gave birth to Henry, but my body did not birth his placenta right,
and because his placenta hadn't, my labor stopped. Because after Henry was born, I was told, oh, you know, we'll just keep you here because obviously there's more babies coming. And then the labor just stopped, and so they moved him back to Anti NATO at that stage and just said, look, we just got to wait. But at that stage it was twenty one and a half weeks, and back in two thousand and six, babies born before twenty four weeks
were not viable. Not viable, yes, exactly, and so we were told, it's very unlikely that your body is going to hold on to your other two babies for another three and a half two and a half weeks, but we'll just it's just await. Then we just wait and see. And then I don't think anyone thought we would make it twenty four weeks. And then every day that passed, Ash and I sort of, you know, had our hopes grew.
I was very high risk of getting an infection, and they told me if I had any sign of infection, they would just induced me because that would be dangerous of my life. And so the next two and a half weeks I just lay in bed rest on bed rest in hospital and I did not want to move. I remember, you know, even that I had to get up to go to the loo, and I was asking the please, can't you just give me a catheter or something. I don't want to get up to go to the loo,
and they said, no, that's a infection risk. We can't do that. You're fine to go to the loo. But then, you know, as I remember, as the days passed, the nurses were encouraging me to go in the wheelchair and just going go outside and get some fresh air, and I said, no, thanks, I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to I'm going to wait. I can't. I just have to make it to twenty four weeks.
You were straddling too world scene because you'd had that heartbreaking loss, the one hour with Henry, with darling little Henry, who is on the cover of your book, exactly.
That it is. I'm so I'm so happy that Henry, that that photo was able to be on the cover of my book.
Yeah, and yet as a mother, the rest of every ounce of your energy was going towards growing the two boys that were still inside you and getting them to that twenty four week period, which you did. Yeah, I.
Had to be after Henry. We kept Henry with us for about two days I think, and then we had to say goodbye, which was really hard. But I remember thinking that the most important thing now was I've had to I had to keep had to look after Evan and Jasper, and I had to remain as calm as possible because I thought that if I was very distressed, I might, you know, even spike a fever and then they think I had an infection, then they'd be inducing.
So I didn't want to even I didn't want to even be sad, because I just and I wanted to just be calm. And Ash was amazing. He did not leave the hospital. There was no bed for him, and he slept on the floor next to my bed for three weeks. He never even didn't ever leave the hospital because he also knew that if anything was to happen, he didn't want to miss, you know, the birth of
his children. And he knew that I needed him, so he stayed with me, and actually we got into a little rhythm and we used to he used to read to me, and we'd play scrabble and we'd we'd just you know, hope and we and I think as we got closer to twenty four weeks, that was a scary time because I'd had a conversation with the neonatologists from the Naracy Attensive Care unit and they told me, you have to be twenty four weeks before we can consider
you know, saving your babies. And as when I got to twenty three weeks, I was really scared because I kept thinking was so close, were so close if anything goes wrong before I'm twenty four weeks, you know, were going from zero, you know, no chance of survival to twenty four weeks. They had told me that if I was, if my babies were born at twenty four weeks, they'd be a fifty percent chance of survival. Well, we made it to twenty four weeks, and on that day, we
we just were so relieved. We were just like, yes, we're here. We've been twenty four weeks, so they're like, okay, then we're in here for the long haul. Will stay on beddress for another sixteen weeks, my babies can come
on time. You know they're going to be fine, and that Henry will always be I remember saying to Ash, We're always going to call them triplets ever than Jasper are always going to be triplets, and they will know that about their brother Henry, and Henry will always be a part of our our our family.
And almost in a way, did you think that Henry had maybe sacrificed himself exactly?
I thought that you know, that's exactly right, that Henry had had had come so that Jasper and Evan could live, and you know, and I could tell them in years to come about their incredible brother Henry and what a you know, what a beautiful little boy he was, and how much he was loved and wanted. Actually, what happened next is interesting. You say that that in talk about
sacrificing himself, I actually think that Evan. I feel that about Evan as well, right number two years, because my waters actually ended up breaking on the very day we turned twenty four weeks, which at the time I thought I couldn't believe how lucky we were. There had been twenty four you know, here we were officially at twenty
four weeks. It was a huge disappointment, of course, and who's shock moment waters broke again, because we knew that every day beyond twenty four weeks was going to increase their chances of survival. But I also knew that this could have been yesterday, in which case my babies would
have no chance. And so my waters broke. We were but we've been in hospital by this stage for what three weeks, And when after my waters had broken, there was Suddenly a whole flurry of sort of toing and throwing from the doctors and stuff.
And.
Then a doctor came over and said, okay, we're just organizing an ambulance for you because there aren't any beds available in the neonatal intensive care unit here at the Royal Hospital for Women, and we've called around all the hospitals in Sydney and there's a critical shortage of neonatal intensive care beds tonight. So we're going to have to take you up to Newcastle and your babies will be cared for up there, and they've got a wonderful hospital up there. So we were like, oh, all right, this
doesn't sound ideal, but okay, let's get going then. And then an hour or so passed and I started to get quite anxious and say, what are we waiting for? You know, my babies might be delivered en route. That's going to be no good. Can we go now please? And then they said, oh, we're really so sorry. There's another plan. See, Newcastle doesn't have any beds available, so we're going to deliver your babies here in Sydney, will
airlift them to Brisbane or Melbourne. And then they said we just have to warn you that there is a possibility that we might have to take one to Brisbane and one to Helven. And that was just, you know, like a terrible moment because I suddenly thought, but we've just achieved the impossible here, We've just made it to twenty four weeks. We've just done the hard bit. What's
happening now? How can I Anyway? Luckily, thankfully my labor, my waters had broken, but my labor didn't progress against no, because the boys, the.
Boys were on your side. We've got on.
Yeah. So it was actually I think three days later. By that stage, I mean, they were amazing at the hospital. And by that stage one of the inetologists had come up to see me and he had said, I want to let you know, we have two beds available at the role here in the nicqu We're saving them for your babies. Nobody is going to use those beds and we're going to keep them for you. So whenever your babies are born, that's where they'll be. So that was
a big relief. And then but the next day, yeah, there was I had to have an emergency sitch as zesarean because it was Jasper whose waters had broken the second time, and it was something called I've never heard of this before. It's called the footling breach. Have you ever heard of that. That's when the leg So Jasper's waters had broken and his leg had come out of his sack and his leg was stuck, so his leg was coming out, but the rest of him was inside,
and that's very dangerous. So they said, okay, we've got a problem here. We need to give you an emergency Caesar and get these babies out. And the reason why I said Evan was I felt like Evan had sort of, you know, sacrifice given to sacrifice himself. Is that Evan was born intact in his sack. So Evan could have stayed, but for Jasper to give Jasper a chance, Evan had
to be born too. And so Evan and Jasper were born, and their birth went really well, and they handled the birth really well, and they were whisked off to the NICKU. I it was as complicated cesarean, and there was a few complications, so I had to be taken to the critical care and I was a bit out of it for a couple of days. Ash was able to go down and see the babies in the nicque, and then he came back to me and he just said, oh, he came back saw me. I hadn't met them. I didn't.
I think it was two days before I get Scott's sort to see them, and Ash came back just saying, oh, my god, they are so perfect. They're the perfect little babies. I've never seen such beautiful babies. And of course, you know they actually they were extremely premature. You know, they had even their skin hadn't finished developing. Their eyes were sealed shut, they were you know, their lungs, their brains,
at their hearts, everything was underdeveloped. And they they were looked after in the nic queue, and I remember somebody saying that if they got could get through the first four days without any complications, and their chances of survival significantly rise. And four days later, everything was going so well and they were taking my breast milk through a tube straight into their drop. They were literally given one drop at a time.
Or something that's yeah, your colostrum.
Yeah, And so that was really you know, I wasn't able to touch them at all, but at this stage and for me, it was really it was an amazing thing that I was able to produce this colostrum and then some milk that was all being frozen for them and given to them drop by drop, And I could feel like I was doing something as their mum because I couldn't do anything. I wasn't even allowed to touch them.
How is that when you're looking at your little your tiny little skun rabbits in humid crebs and you can't you can't touch them, how is that? Oh?
I just wanted to rip them out and hold them to my chest, and you know, but I also knew that they were in the very best care, and I knew that that holding I al. I wanted to just wanted to hold them, but I also knew that that was going to be for me and not for them at this stage. And even when I was finally allowed to hold Jasper, which was a couple of weeks later, actually after after Evan had passed away, But I remember when they offered for me to hold Jasper, and I
actually was. I was scared that it wasn't going to be It would hurt him, you know, he and I would rather wait, you know, I would rather wait until it was nice for him to be held too. But we got very used to just sitting by their beds and we would, you know, talk to them and at this stage their eyes hadn't opened, so they were just in their humidity crib. But yeah, it was We had a really good week.
And then things went awry for Evan. Was it his lungs, No.
It wasn't his lungs, it was his brain. So well, he first of all, seven days old, he just became really ill and the doctors were very worried. And actually it was the day that I was let home from hospital after seven days. They said to me, okay, time for you to go home, and I didn't want to go, and they luckily we lived. We were lucky we lived
near the hospital. But we went home and that night, in the middle of the night, the phone rang and they said come back quick, and so we went in and Evan was really ill and it turned out that he had a he had a very severe brain hemorrhage, which is which is very common in premature babies. And so at ten days old, they told us that his brain hemorrhage was so severe that their advice was that we should turn off his life support and let him
let him go. And so that was the first time that I held Evan was when we took him out of his of his humidity crib, and I held him as they as he passed away.
So that was the decision that you had to make. That decision was left to you.
Yeah, it do you know. It's something that I have struggled with. I struggled with for a long time because I wanted my boys to be here and I didn't even even actually at their birth. At twenty four weeks, we were asked, would you like us to resuscitate your babies because at this early gestation we don't have to. We can, you know, you might choose it might be fairer to let them go. And I remember asking the doctors about disabilities and saying, I, I you know, please
do everything you can to save my babies. Whatever disabilities they end up having, we will deal with. We will give these boys a great life, we'll care for them. We don't you know, if there are disabilities as a result of their prematurity. Whilst that's just you know, that's just what we'll deal with. That, that's fine, that's okay. But at this stage the doctors were saying, this is beyond that, this is severe.
I'll be back with Sophie after this short break. It was a template of both you and Ash that even when you were found to be having a multiple pregnancy, that you were offered the option of selectively. I don't know what the term is, but toy.
They call it a reduction, which they advise with a multiple the higher order multiple birth, which is anything three or over that you reduce. But to us, and I've never regretted my decision not to we there was no that was just not a possibility for us. Well, these three babies were, you know, everything to us, and I've never actually never regretted that.
So you've got little Evan now you're holding him for the first.
Time, and I wish I could say that I gave him a good stend off like we did with Henry. But poor little Evan, it was very I've always felt guilty about that as well, that I was in such.
Distress and Evan was said, which it's always the fate of the middle child.
I always to actually think of Evan. I always think, oh, little Evan was a real middle child because he didn't get his special time. You know, he came and went in the middle of it all in this blur of ten days. When after Evan died, I actually never saw I didn't have any special time with him. We never saw him again, whereas with Henry, we spent two days with him after he passed, and I I was obviously, you know, throwing everything into Jasper as well. So Evan's
passing was very well. Obviously they're all really sad, but I feel great sadness over Evan. But after ever, after Evan died the next day, we came back into the hospital and there was just and I have to say that when Evan was sick for three days before he passed, little Jasper was doing brilliantly. And again I was so happy that, you know, Jasper gave us that time. With that,
we didn't take any attention away at that stage. We sort of ignored him for three days and spent you know, looked after we're worrying about Evan, and then Jasper did brilliantly. And I have to say, even after Evan died, I one hundred percent believed that Jasper would be fine. M Jasper was strong. Jasper was the biggest as well, and he was not thing was wrong with Jasper. His his heart was perfect, his brain was perfect, his his his guts were doing, you know, taking he was taking my
milk and all the digestion was all fine. He was poing and we we were changing his nappy and there was nothing sweeter than like changing going, oh, just.
Ha's done a poo.
We can change his nappy because after Evan died, I was able to then because Jasper was stronger. We were we weren't able to hold him, but we were able to to do the care. So the changes. He wash his face, and.
He and cradle his heat and his little his tiny little toes.
Yeah, and you know, there were times when it was amazing because we felt like he really knew us. And there were times when things were going badly or you know, the doctors be worried because all his numbers would have crashed and they were fiddling around trying to, you know, I don't know, change things in his in his treatment, and everyone be worried because the numbers were wrong. And then one day Ash just putting his hand in to the humid crib as they were dealing with him, and
just just stroked his head. And as he stroked his head, we all looked at the numbers and saw them all even out and his heart rate came back to normal and it was like he really you know, that was actually helping him. So we used to Yeah, we were there and did what we could, even like the first hold was within his humidity crib through the windows. The nurse said, look, I've just got to change his sheets.
Just put your hands in and just hold him. So I literally was hard on him like this, a little bit up just as they were changing his sheets, and it was just so wonderful to feel his weight and around. Oh he was so he was such a sweet little boy. He was so sweet and he had such spirit. You know.
He opened his eyes two days after Evan died. We were in and we were sitting by his crib and he had his little face down and then he moved his or I think the nurse moved his head, and suddenly we saw this big, black, beady eye wide open,
and both Ash and I went on. I remember as saying hello, darling, just and we felt like we could connect with him on a whole new level once his eyes opened, and then he got to you know, we felt like he could even hear our, he could recognize our voice, and he'd try and move his head to see us, and he'd look at us with any had these amazing expressions on his face like he was this real little boy that was, you know, trying so hard, and and he did really well. He doubled his birth weight,
doubled his birthway. He was quite you know, comparatively a big boy after fifty eight days.
And then after fifty eight days, he was the one who had lung Yeah.
His lungs. He had a really good few weeks where they were able to take him off the ventilator probably for a week. And in that time we were allowed to take him out of his crib hamidia crib and actually hold him, which was just incredible.
How was that.
It was? Yeah, it was just it was amazing. And when I there was one time, the only time I was allowed skin to skin. The other times he was all wrapped up with blankets and tubes and all the rest of it. But one time they said, okay, we'll do skin to skin where they just place him on my chest like this. Now he was fed through a tube into his stomach. He didn't have you know, he wasn't actually taking milk and he had it was I
don't think he was intubated at that stage. But anyway, they put him on my chest and I couldn't believe it because I put him sort of on my boot, but I wasn't meaning to like feed him, and he actually latched on to my nipple and he took one little suck and then he fell fast asleep, and it was just such an amazing moment to think, oh, that
he even knows to do that and and that. Yeah, so that we had some really special special times with Jasper and even you know, when he hit one kilo in weight and Ash bought a kilo of chocolate and brought it in and shared it around with all the nurses to celebrate, and we had you know, the West Ash was a big West Coast Eagles AFL supporter, and it was the it was the Grand Final and it was the Eagles versus the Swans that year and the Eagles won and Ash came into the hospital with all
his Eagles dcorated, decorated the Humidi crew and all the
nurses were joking about this being absolutely terrible. So we had this, you know, we had some really you know, some good times within the but then just started to struggle with his lungs, and there were many difficult There were many times when we were called back to the hospital in the middle of the night in a you know, we would get that awful phone call where the phone would ring in the middle of the night and they would just say come quickly, and we would literally we
wouldn't even say a word to each other. We would be from a being fast asleep to being in the carnt within a minute. We just and then getting to the hospital and rushing in and trying to you know, waiting for the lift and rushing in and not knowing what we were going to be met with when we got there. And there were so many times when he would get in and they'd say, oh, we we're not sure. We think this this be it, and then Jasper would rarely saying that I'm not going you know, I'm still here.
And along the way, the narrative that you and Ash had very much with each other was one day, this will be a great story to tell our boy, the boy who lived what he did.
Yeah, we thought, we'll always tell him about the time that, you know, the times we had to rush in and and we thought that that he was going to die. And then he he didn't. He proved everybody wrong and there he was. And so this happened probably three or four times. And then when he was fifty eight days old and was always his lungs. It was always his lungs, and he suffered from chronic lung disease, again a very common common thing for premature babies, and the ventilators weren't able,
were actually damaging his lungs. They weren't able to support him and.
Because they were too strong, is the strivees.
Yeah, So when he was fifty eight days old, we've received in our court another call. It was early in the morning, and we went rushing in and and I remember going in and the team was so amazing at the hospital. But I do remember seeing one of the doctors working on Jasper and I saw a tear roll down her face and and I thought, this is anyway again.
I just thought, you know, he's going to right up until the last moment, I held out hope until there wasnte And in the end they said there's nothing more we can do. You know, would you like us to you know, would you like to hold him? And the most amazing thing was that when we got into the
hospital that day he was knocked out. He was fast asleep because they'd knocked him out with something, because they were having to do things to him that were going to hurt, and so they you know, they knocked him out. And I was so as I was holding him, and this is like such a busy like afterwards, I had to ask Ash, is this really? Did this really happen? Why am I making this up? But this really happened. I was holding him and I was thinking, oh, I
think I was even saying, I'm sorry. I wasn't here for you. I wasn't here for you. And I was thinking to myself, the poor little boy. The last people he saw with the staff, you know, the doctors and nurses obviously and wonderful people, but it should have been his mum, and he would have been scared. And I wasn't here for him. And I was holding him and thinking, I wish that you know, I'm so sorry. And as I was holding him, I looked down. His eyes were closed.
I looked down and he opened his eyes and he looked in my eyes and he closed his eyes. And at that moment, Ash was looking away, looking at his at the machines that he was still hooked up to look at his numbers, and I said, Ash, he's opened his eyes. He looked at me. He looked at me, and then I actually even questioned myself because Ash looked back and there he was with his eyes closed again, and I thought, maybe I'm making this up. And he
did it again. He opened his eyes and a saw and then he closed his eyes and he died.
A side. So you've had you're three little ones taken from you. How do you? How do you go home from there? How is going home? What is home?
We spent the day and the night at the hospital, and we spent the night in a room which is a room which I was really looking forward. It's a room where you stay with your baby or your babies the night before you go home, so you can have a night to practice being on your own with your baby, because after your baby's been in the hospital for a long time, it's scary to take your baby home, you know, from suddenly going from other people caring for your sick
baby to you caring for your very fragile baby. Anyway, I remember this room and I thought to myself, I wanted to spend Christmas in that room because by this stage. It was October sixteenth of October that Jasper died, and I worked out his due date was on the tenth of December, and I was thinking, oh, I wonder if we can spend Christmas in the room before we come out, or you know, it's Christmas Eve, and kept bring him
home for Christmas. Anyway, they let us stay in that room with Jasper that night, and that was actually a very very beautiful time that we had with him. But going home after that was very hard because Ash had to go back to work. He was already back at work. Actually he went back to work after Evan and Jasper were born, and he used to come into the hospital before work and after work, and then I would spend
all day at the hospital. And so going home, I mean once, you know, I was busy organizing Jasper's funeral. We'd had a funeral for Evan and Henry together, and then we'd had a funeral for Jasper. So I was busy organizing Justper's funeral. And so that was good because I had a lot to do and I wanted to give him a beautiful funeral. And then and then it was as the weeks passed and I was on maternity leave and sitting at home in this house that was
like definitely quiet. And I remember we still had the buggy, the triplet buggy, sitting in the hallway, and we had a cot that we'd already set up in the spare room. We had two bedrooms. The spare room was going to be the baby's room, and we'd heard that you could put triplets in the same cot for the first few months, set up a cop. So there was a cot and there was a buggy. And I used to do something which was really like weird sometimes when I was at home and it was quiet, because it was just I
used to actually pretend makes me sound really odd. I used to pretend sometimes I'd sit down on the sofa with a cup of tea and I'd listen to the silence, and I actually would pretend that Henry, Jasper and Evan had just fallen asleep in the cot next door, and I was finally going to get just a few moments of peace before they woke up.
And that's why it was so quiet, And.
That's why it was so quiet, an oh, a bit of silence. It was such a sort of mad thing. And then and then I would realize. Obviously I knew I was just pretending. And then I'd kind of realize, you know, I think that I was never going to know the exhaustion of looking after three babies. I was never going to hear three babies screaming for a feed. I was never going to know the challenges of I was never going to take them for a walk around
the park. And and and I knew that I couldn't keep pretending, and that I couldn't change what had happened. There was nothing in my power to change what had happened, but there was everything in my power to decide what to do next. And that was a turning point.
And how did that turning point come? Well?
Ash, I didn't know how, but Ash and I would talk about them all the time we talked about Ash was amazing. He held every day we spoke and every day forever, Ash, the last thing he would say to me at night was Henry Jasper and ever he would always the last the last thing he'd say to me before we went to sleep was he would speak their names. And so he was amazing, and he helped support me. Obviously he was grieving, but he was an incredible support for me, and we were always talked about the fact
that we were still Henry, Jasper and Evans parents. They had gone, but that didn't change the fact that we were here and we were their parents, and we would always be their parents. And so I felt I had a job to do to ensure their lives mattered, and that's I wanted to find a way to make their lives, to bring something good from them. And Ash one day said, I've had an idea. What about let's run a half marathon and let's raise a bit of money for the hospital in memory of Henry, Jesper and Evan.
Because he was a runner. Ash was, but you wouldn't, well, not really. I'd run a little bit with Ash. We've done a couple of little events together, but I wasn't. I certainly wasn't a half marathon runner. And and Ash was a good runner, but he hadn't done a half marathon either.
But he liked to run. He used to run at lunch time at work and stuff. And he said, look, come on, there's a half marathon in a few months time. Let's do it. And then I found out that the hospital I'd realized, we had realized when our boys were in hospital that a lot of the equipment that was helping our boys was donated equipment. And we learned that the hospital relies on seventy percent of its equipment is
from donations. And this was something I had had didn't have any idea about before, And so I knew also that the hospital was in need of more equipment. And also I'd remembered the shortage of if he made a cribs yes in the before the and so I thought, great idea. A very basic humidity crip was twenty thousand dollars and they needed one. So I thought, well, that's great, let's run the half marathon. Let's raise twenty thousand dollars. Let's do this in memory of Henry just whenever, And
I thought, well, I need people to help me. I'm not I can't insult my own. I asked all my friends, said please, can you come and run with us? And most of them had never run before, and they all said yes, and even though none of them what liked running or wanted to run. And then and then I
made a little flyer and I put it. And at this stage I remember ash getting a little worried because I had this new sense of purpose and he wasn't worried about that, but he was worried I was going to be disappointed when I told him I'm making a flyer. I'm going to print it. I'm going to put it in playgrounds and cafes around my around Randwick and where we live, and I'm going to ask people to come and join. And he was worried that I was going
to be terribly disappointed because nobody was. This was before the days of like social media and stuff. So I just literally put my phone number on there, said call me if you want to come I run this half marathon with me. And he said, so if no one's going to no one's going to call. And I'm worried that you're gonna you know, you're going to crash. You're going to be really upset. And I said, no, I promise I won't. I just want to try. And so
I put these flyers out. And the very first day I've put the flyers out, my phone rang and this woman called Hailey was on the phone and she said, I've just picked up your flyer. She said, ten years ago, I had twins that died at their birth prematurely. They were called Olivia and Maizie and she said it's their tenure anniversary coming up, and I've always wanted to do
something good in their name, and I never have. And I've just picked up your flyer and would you mind if I came along and did it for Olivia Amaze? And I couldn't believe it. This was just, you know, incredible. I'm so sad to hear about Olivia Amaze, but I was so happy to hear that she could also do it for her babies. And so then other people were ringing and saying, oh, I have a child born prematurely. I know how lucky I am. I'd love to come and help.
Stay with us. My conversation with Sophie continues after this break. So you ended up raising eighty thousand dollars the first year? How much of you raised so far? Because I know you got you got an OIM is that an Order of Australia.
Or oh Australia into twenty one?
How much how much of you raised with your for premiature It's not me.
It's running for premature babies. So we called it running for Premature Babies. Lots of people came and ran with me. And they have now we've been this is now twenty years later. We've now raised over twelve million dollars and we've provided equipment hospitals all over Australia, every state and territory, regional remote hospitals through to hospitals in our major cities with big neonatal intensive care units, maternity units in the
Northern Territory and far far from major hospitals. We've also funded neonatal transfer services. We've donated three ambulance a neonatal ambulances, some equipment to take onto flights in the Northern Territory with care Flight so that they can retrieve babies from very remote locations and bring them for neonacal intensive care. And it's estimated that over twenty thousand babies have now benefited from running for premature babies.
So it seems that in the running that Ash had suggested, and in the finding a purpose outside motivated by but outside of your loss, that you gained in lace of life yourself, as exemplified by the fact that you then became pregnant again.
Yes, So the first year we ran the first half marathon, I loved it and we had shirts printed and I put Henry, Jasper Andevan's handprints on the back and I told everybody to remember that, you know, they can give you a push in the race, and it was just wonderful. Anyway, we ran that first race, that was fantastic, and then the second year we did it all over again. But that then I was pregnant with Owen, so that was yeah,
we were That was just amazing. Owen he was born two years after Jasper died, just under two years later, And yeah, Owen brought this inredible joy into our lives.
How was it leaving the hospital?
Yeah, oh, it was just incredible. Well, having Owen and being allowed to hold my baby whenever I wanted, being allowed to feed my baby whenever I want, It was just so incredible. And also I'd again a slightly sort of you know, maybe unusual thing, but I'd made a promise to myself after Jasper died that I did not want to hold another baby until I held my own baby. So my next baby I was going to hold be my own. So I didn't touch another baby for two years.
I managed to just avoid babies, or if a baby was being handed around, i'd just say, oh, I've got a colder, I won't thanks. And so holding Owen and being allowed to you know, not being told to put him back, and and you know, being able to feed. It was just incredible. But one and I'd thought about that when I was pregnant. I thought about, Gosh, it's going to be incredible being allowed to hold my baby. But the thing I hadn't thought about was what it was going to feel like to walk out of the
hospital doors with my baby. And it was so my god. We I remember the day that we left the hospital, you know, we collexed him all up. They said okay, bye, and I started walking down the corridor holding him, and I just kept thinking, I felt like I was stealing him. I felt like I was. I felt like there was something and hang on, can you put the baby back?
And then we got outside and we obviously they got the baby's captle in the car and I sat next to him in the car, so in the back seat, and she was driving, and as we drove out, I hadn't even you know, it was just just I literally had tears pouring down my face and I was they were tears of joy for this beautiful baby that we were taking home. And they were also tears of grief for the three little boys who never came home, and that was all wrapped up into one. But Owen brought
the greatest joy. He was he was an easy baby, is his and I just loved, you know that hearing him cry and the night was just amazing. And everyone told him I was gonna I was, you know, spoiling him because I fed him on demand and I carried him around with me. He was always with me, and he was in a little sling and I pretty much didn't put him down for six months.
And Ash was equally besotted.
He was besotted, absolutely besotted. He would, you know, rush home from work and say, don't give him a bath until I'm home, don't. I'm going to read him the story. I'm going to say. He was literally reading him stories from day one. And yeah, just so you know, just just we were both besotted.
It was.
It was a very wonderful time, actually, yes.
A very sweet spot. And then you had Harvey.
We had Harvey. Yeah, Harvey two and a half years later, but it was Yeah, it was when Owen was six months that Ash was diagnosed, actually diagnosed.
That sweet spot was not allowed to linger longer. So ash started having headaches.
Yeah, he started having bad headaches. He was very fit. He'd actually just run the half marathon in a he'd done a PB of ninety nine minutes and so and he was what thirty five, and he loved the water. He was a good surfer.
He is fit.
He was, Yeah, he was. He was a fit and healthy young man. And he's just started having headaches and and eventually, you know, he got checked out and he was diagnosed with a seven centimeter grade four GBM brand humor when he was six months old.
How did you feel? Because you don't strike me as a why me person? But how many things happened to you before you say why me? Or whatever?
Like, I personally find why me very unhelpful. I don't think that God or the universe is pointing at me and saying, here, you know you there's a reason for this.
I think, you know, adversity as part and part of the parcel of being humor everybody, you know, it's just it's just life, and there's nothing you know, there's I just don't find why me helpful, And I find you know, sometimes sometimes people have said to me, I always find this quite strange, but I have had people say to me, gosh, you must have done something really bad in a past life for this, for all these bad things to happen,
And I'm just like, not helpful. I don't find that helpful at all to think that I've somehow deserve it. I don't think that I've done something to deserve it. But I also don't think that, you know, it's.
Just it is what it is. And and Ash was of a similar resolve because he went he was in fact operated on by doctor Charlie Tao and it was successfully removed the tumor, and Ash was like, we've got this. Yeah, even though he was initially given one one year to leave.
That's right, yeah, he was. He was given after the operation which was successful, but when we discovered what kind of cancer it was, we were told that with chemo and radiotherapy, we were looking at one year. And he was really he helped me actually to towards you know, he was the one that kind of drove it when he was first diagnosed. He was so lovely when he
was first diagnosed. When we got walked out of the doctor's office, the first thing he said to me was, so, I'm so sorry that you're having that I'm putting you through this. So he immediately thought of me, which is just incredible seeing as it was him that was losing his life. But he said, I never want to hear that, and I'm never gonna to even think about that. We are, he said, I'm here, I'm going to I'm going to live. And I'm so glad that he did say to unt
to be let's, you know, let's focus on living. Let's focus on today rather than worrying about tomorrow. And I'm so glad we did because instead of one year, we got seven years, and we got Harvey and and they were so you know, even Ash's treatment was not he tolerated it fine. He had a whole year off work and in that year we had so much fun together with Owen as a six month old. You know, you can't sit around feeling sorry for yourself when you've got a six year old, a six month of the whole
crawling around and causing havoc. And we just we were like a little unit and we got on with stuff and we had fun and we focused on on on living and Ash felt well again. In fact, sometimes he'd say to me, oh, maybe that I'm sure, Like I feel like a real fraud, Like have I really had brain cans? I'm fine. And he was lucky that, you know. I mean, Charlie did an amazing job with his operation
and we had five years Harvey was born. When Harvey was born, we had to have IVF for Harvey and because of Ash's treatment, and we wanted to get straight on and get cracking with IVF because even though Ash said he was going to live, at the back of my mind, I knew he had a diagnosis of a prognosis of a year and I wanted him to be around when his child was born. But it took a while,
and it took two years. Two years later, Harvey was born, and Ash was in remission, well as much as remission you can be in with that kind of cancer, but he was well and having six monthly scans, and Harvey was just, oh my goodness, Harvey was such just it was so wonderful, you know. He was a big, healthy, full term bouncing boy. And Owen was a doting big brother. And the four of us, yeah, just lived life.
When you when it became apparent that the tumors had come back for the I think the third time they were inoperable, and you had to tell your boys that they were going to lose their dad. How do you do that?
So we never shielded the boys from from ashes decline and over the last I guess two years before Ash passed, he had recurrent tumors. So he was going into hospital having you know, brain surgery. Then he was having to have chemo and so. But then he get well again, and so the boys and also Owen had been six months old when Ash was diagnosed. So Owen grew up
with brain cancer. Because Ash said right from the beginning, he said, I'm bringing Owen to every doctor's appointment because I want the doctors to know what I'm what I have to live for. I want them to know that this is how hot, you know, how much I have to live is for this child. And then when Harvey was born, we bought Harvey along. So Owen used to you know, grew up coming to all of the appointments. He grew up around you know, chemo and surgery and
hospitals and things. But they and they adored their dad. He was just such a great and he adored them, and so when he wasn't well, they knew that they had to be careful with daddy because he's not well. But one of the things that they loved, funny things he used to do was to throw them on the bed. So they wrestle, and one of the fun things they say, Daddy throw us on their bed, throw us on the bed. And then they'd say, oh, can Daddy throw us on
the bed? And I have to say no, you know, he's not well enough to throw you on the bed. So that was the measure, is Daddy well enough to throw us on the bed. And then as he got really sick, and when I actually told Harvey was only small, he was only just he wasn't even five, and Owen was seven. And I remember when I told, I thought I was telling Owen because he said, when's Daddy going to be better? When's he going to be better? When
could he throw us on the bed? And I said to him, I sat him down and I said, darling, Daddy's not getting better. He's not going to get better. And Owen looked at me and said, well, he's going to be sick forever. So I realized that that wasn't enough for a child that doesn't They didn't join the dots but at that stage, Owen started to realize. And I remember a few days later he said to me, Mum, would you rather be sick forever or dead? And it
was the first time he talked about dying. And then when I I told, by the.
Way, what's the answer to that?
Oh, I can't even remember. I think we, you know, kind of talked about quality of life. But when I finally knew I needed to tell them it was it was heartbreaking because Owen he had you know, I told him, Dad, He's going to die. And you could see how like Owen was. He had a hundred questions, and he was quite he sounded quite angry, and he said, well, I'm not going to have a dad. And I said, no, you always have a dad, Darling, you always have your
dal Your Dad's always going to be your dad. And he said, what, but not a dad I can play with? And it was And anyway, Owen then asked a thousand questions of and I wasn't really prepared, you know, questions about where, you know, can his teacher come to his funeral? Am I going to get married again? Is he going to get a new dad? Here? All these other questions. I was like, whoa.
And then but yeah, then there was a which I think a lot of people, you know, praise be do not know what this looks like. But when someone's dying of a brain tumor, terrible things happened to them, their personality changes. They may be prone to as Ash was, violent outbursts and frustration. And at what point did you go from hoping that he would stay to being prepared to let him go?
Yeah, that's a that's a really big question, because yeah, it was it was brain cancer is horrible and and Ash was such a beautiful man, and brain cancer took him really before he died. So it was very difficult because he the treatment as well affected his brain and in the last few months he he became very different because his brain wasn't working properly. And and that was
that was really hard. So there were and it was hard trying to hold the family together, you know, because I wanted to protect the boys from Ash if he wasn't behaving himself in a you know, kind of appropriately. But I but also you know, there, Ash wasn't awful. It wasn't like he was awful all the time. He was so sweet. Even actually the last week of his life was. It was very beautiful actually in that strange way.
And the boys spent a lot of time with him, coloring in and reading to him and lying in his bed, and that was very peaceful, very peaceful. But yes, when when life did get quite difficult, and then I did, there were times when I would sort of think, gosh, how long is this going to take? But that was also it's also hard to admit that, yes, because you.
Know, but there comes a time if you've loved anybody who's gravely ill, there comes a time where you go from praying for them to stay to praying for them to leave.
Yeah, definitely for everybody.
And that's just a part of the reality of loving somebody is that you have to love them enough to let them go.
And do you know what when he did, when he did die, I had and I said to him before he'd you know, one of the probably a few days before he died, for the last thing he said, I actually took him down to Bondi and we had this amazing morning at Bondi and I took him for a swim and he seemed to suddenly be a little bit better, and we had this wonderful time and then I took him home and he was really sick, and he said it was the only time we talked about him dying.
He said, so, I don't know if I can go on. And I said to him, that's okay, we'll we'll, We're going to be okay. You don't have to stay. And I said to him, you have three little boys waiting for you.
Yeah.
And that actually gave me a lot of comfort, and Owen and Harvey a lot of comfort to know that Daddy was going to Henry, Jasper and ever.
Because you have known such grief, but you also have such you seem position of a great amount of faith. Do you believe that you will see them again?
Yeah, My faith is sort of complicated. I do, I don't have Yeah, I do, I I've I definitely believe that we'll all well, we'll see each other again. I more believe that they're they're here, you know, they're with us, and they're cheering us on, and they're you know in every wave that Harvey and Owen catch out in the you know, they're both surfers. And I always say to that,
I'm sure Dad's with you in every wave. And just the other day, Harvey was saying he was in really big surf at Bondai and he said, Mum, the surf was really big, and but you know, I just I just felt really I don't know why, but when I was out in the surf, it was very big, and I felt really calm, and I said, I, reckon, that's dad, Dad with you just going come on, you can do this, Harvey. So I'm more believe that we you know, that they're all around.
Us, and when we speak of them, we keep them alive for sure.
For sure, And I feel like running for premature Babies has given me permission to bring Henry, Jasper and Evan along with me through the last twenty years. You know.
I this year, this year is our twentieth year of running for parmat Or Babies, and it's Henry, Jasper and Evans twentieth birthday, and we are so excited that like I'm still pinching myself that it's the We've done so many events over the years, but this year this is the TCS Sydney Marathon, which is now World International World Marathon Major, so it's like the biggest marathon in the world, Sydney Marathon, and running for Premature Babies are the headline
or is the headline charity of the TCS Sydney Marathon, and we have about seven hundred people running in Sydney, and coincidentally, the marathon weekend is the twenty ninth and thirtieth of August. On the twenty ninth of August they hold them and they call it the Mini Marathon. It's five kilometer fun run the day before the marathon, and the twenty ninth of August happens to be Evans anniversary of his passing, and I can think of no greater
way than to mark his anniversary than to run. In fact, I've been, I've got a whole heap of people signing up for the Mini Marathon who have had who have themselves started their lives in equipment donated by Running for Premature Babies. So there's a whole heap of hoids. For sure, we have children who would not have survived if it wasn't for the equipment that Running for prom Your Babies has donated, especially ventilators. We talked before about ventilators not
being able to support Jasper. The technology of ventilators is so incredible these days, but they're very expensive and a lot of the time hospitals can't afford them. So we have provided state of the art neonate or ventilators that mean that a baby like Jasper, babies smaller than Jasper are able to survive with these equipment. So we've got
to children. I've got children coming along to run them an the marathon, and then we've got people running in the Sydney Marathon whose children started their lives in equipment don't need to bear. Running for premature babies, we have people who were premature babies themselves. We have people who are running in memory of their own babies who've passed away,
and that is something that I have. It's been a great privilege over the years for me to be able to support in some way families who are going through
the terrible tragedy of losing their own children. And because just last week, this lovely woman contacted called Katia who his little baby Enzo was in the neonatal intensive care unit and she had just received he was twenty one days old, and she knew that he was using equipment donated by Running for Premature Babies, but she'd also received the devastating news that Enzo probably wasn't going to survive, and she rang me and asked me to come up
to the hospital. So last week I went up to the hospital and I met this beautiful little boy, Enzo, and I met his mum, Cartia, and I was able to support them in some way. Now, Enzo has since passed away, and Cartia has already reached out to me to say that she wants to honor Enzo's life by supporting money for premature babies. And I find it quite amazing that in her moment of heartbreak, that she's already
thinking about how can Enzo's spirit help other babies? And people have told me over the years how running in their baby's name to help other babies has actually helped them heal well.
Speaking of for instance, this episode's going to go out soon after Mother's Day, which is such a challenging time for anyone who's had any loss like this. How was it for you your first Mother's Day after losing the boys, and how are you now?
So on Mother's Day, I like to shout from the rooftops that I am a mother of five, and right from the very beginning, I actually have a card on my bedside table. That was my first Mother's Day card actually, and Ash wrote me the most beautiful card and he always did. Every Mother's Day. Ash would write me a card from Henry, Jasper and Evan as if they had written it. And it's such a sweet card that says, you know, thank you for being the very best mummy we could. We are so lucky to have you as
our mom. And now Owen and Harvey when they will give me a Mother's Day card on Sunday, they will sign the Mother's Day card from them and Henry, Jasper and Evan. And so for me, it's about you know, we are still moms when our babies die. And for me, it's an opportunity to tell people I'm a mum of five boys.
And I think a very lovely message contained in your book is that it's important to talk to women who have lost their babies and to acknowledge those babies and to say their names.
And to speak aloud the baby's names. I found after you know, everybody nobody wants to do the wrong thing, you know, but nobody knows what to do. And so people often think, oh, we better not mention, yes, the baby that died, because we don't know what, we don't want to we don't know what to say, so we
won't mention the baby. But what I would say is as a as a mother whose babies have died, is there's nothing more beautiful than hearing your baby's name spoken aloud, hearing or seeing your baby's name written down you We haven't forgotten that our babies have died. To be reminded is actually very beautiful. Even though you know, even though it's painful, even though we're sad, we still you know, we still want our babies. We still want our babies acknowledged.
I guess, and I think with running for premature babies, it gives people an opportunity as well to you know, to tell to speak aloud the names and to say I'm doing this for my baby and little Enzo, you know.
I Yeah, Sophie Smith, mother of sons Henry and Evan and Jasper and Owen and Harvey. Very lucky to have you, as are we England's loss was very much down again. And may the wind be at your back as you run and through the rest of your life.
We have a big goal in Sydney. Can I just mention that, which is to raise one million dollars, which will be the most ever raised by any charity in a marathon in Australia's history. And we want to raise a million dollars this August. So we'd love people to come and join us.
Well, if anyone will, you will. So for people listening to these who may be in the midst of their own grief and their own loss that feels unbearable, what would you like them to know?
Do you know? What I would like them to know is something that I was really frightened of when my babies died, just but i'd on the sixteenth of October, I was I remember New Year's Eve that year. I it was I did not want the clock to tick over to two thousand and seven because I felt like time was separating me from my babies. I didn't you know when I could say when I could feel like last week my baby died, or last month my baby died.
Somehow to say last year my baby died. And I felt like this awful passage of time was separating me and that somehow that bond, that love that I felt for them was going to just disappear with time and I and that frightened me and then going on and having future children. I was worried that the you know, I didn't I didn't want to my babies to be forgotten.
I didn't want my love to fade. And what I would say to anybody who's baby has a recent died is that your love will never fade, and that grief is something which your life, just your life grows around, and grief does change, does change over the years, but what doesn't change is the core of that grief is love,
and that does not change. And now I wish I'd known that twenty years ago and not feared that, because my love for my five boys is here today just as much as it was for my three boys twenty years ago.
Thanks Sophie, Thank.
You, Thank you, Kate, thank you.
After everything Sophie's endured, the loss of her three boys, the loss of her husband, Ash, and the years she's spent living alongside grief, what struck me most was not just her resilience, but her capacity to keep choosing hope, to keep finding meaning, to keep loving so deeply running for premature babies. The legacy of Henry, Evan and Jasper continues to live on in thousands of families around the country.
If this conversation brought anything up for you, or if you've experienced pregnancy loss, infant loss, or grief of any kind, will leave support resources in the show notes, and if you'd like to learn more about running for premature babies or support the work Sophie and her team are doing, you can find those details there too. Thank you so much for listening to No Filter. I am Kate Lanebrook and I will see you next Monday.