Concetta Caristo Changed Her Name to Escape a Violent Home

You're listening to Amma Mia podcast.

One time, I was like copying a beating and I remember laughing. I don't think this was common, but I remember laughing, like zoning out, being like, oh this is pathetic, Like I am so vulnerable. I'm just a girl and you're a grown man kicking me, punching me, and I'm making it worse.

My guest today is comedian and Triple J radio host Concetto Caristo. A few weeks ago, millions of Australians watched as she was crowned the winner of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here, and walked away with the title of Jungle Queen. But for Conchetta, the moment that mattered most wasn't the crown. It was the one hundred

She may look like.

A free, fearless comic happily eating pigs penis in the jungle, but behind the jokes is someone who has spent years quietly working out who she is and what she.

Wants her life to look like.

Today we talk about the family she grew up in the moment everything changed, the voice in her head that tells her she's not good enough, and the strange power of humor to turn pain into connection. This is the one and only Conchetta Carristo. We are so thrilled to have you on No Filter.

Welcome.

I kin'd deally what this means me to be here, Like I'm so it's very pinched me to speak to you.

For you to want to speak to me an icon like you, I'm like buzzing.

Well, speaking of icons, because you come to us and people may know you through a number of routes. They may have seen you doing stand up, they may have heard you on your breakfast show on Triple J. But most recently, you come to us as royalty, not the creepy kind. It's fast but legitimate Australian royalty, the jungle queen of the jungle. I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here, conchettocharisto crown.

Oh thank you, hopefully a more wholesome type of royalty.

If I may say, well, that remains to be sane, does it not?

If we know one thing uneasy lies the head that weighs the crown.

Oh boy, very true power was the crowning moment. It was true shock.

I know that's a boring thing to say, but it was true disbelief. I one hundred percent did not think it was gonna be me, Like I'm telling you, I had been mentally preparing to like be lost if you like could be last and it just I will never forget that moment of seeing it. But it not feeling real, like my brain being so slow, and it just like

So it took a second, but it was unreal.

And for people who don't know, three endings had been filmed already, because the whole series had been pre recorded, but nobody knew who was going to be crowned and we were all in a pub. I happened to be there as well, and they made the announcement live on television that it was you. And in that moment, when someone like you has had such a charge life with so many elements in it, what was it that made you think it couldn't be you because it was down to three of you.

I think it was I thought, well, Gary is literally the most famous person he is, Gary Sweet, He's the most beloved actor in this country. So that's really strong and would have a stronghold on the country. And then I thought Luke Bateman one of the most to me, the famous men in the world, with billion top yes, So I just thought, I'm like, you know, I'm the one that was like who like you know that one,

It just felt like a really huge thing that.

I think it it felt just a bit too lofty I did.

I have got to be honest.

I did like dream of it and picture it and try to do that self talk to be like, no, I am deserving and I also have a shot. But really there was that other just that other reality room like it's and it's okay.

Truly, I was like, it's okay if it's not.

I think the way that you had presented yourself in the series, you'd already won. You came across as I'm going to say, your authentic, unfiltered self.

Yep, how much of that was the case. That's a really great way of putting it. Okay. I did walk in feeling like I'd won.

I really felt that because I was so grateful to be there and so grateful to be doing it, and really walked in knowing that the one thing I could control when you'd have no control over anything else who you're there with, what they're going to put you through, like you know, being there twenty four hours a day and not knowing how you is just I wanted to really embrace it and do that of just try and be the most myself.

So I think I I think I did do that.

You were as everyone is in those circumstances you stripped of everything. Yeah, so you have no phone and you're a phone girly, that's right, correct. You have like no makeup, oh so much, toilet trees, no no privacy, no bead What did you learn about yourself in those circumstances?

Like was it liberating or was it?

Obviously initially I imagine that's oppressive.

Was oppressive?

I hated in the beginning. I felt like you know when a dog puts on shoes and it walks really funny and it's literally it can't get its head around it.

Waking up and being like what do I do?

Like, okay, I'm going to brush my teeth outside and then you know, I can't do my makeup, Like I'm just gonna wash my Literally I was like, okay, how do I wash my face? And what routine am I going to have? Like it really spun me out there. No mirror kind of spun me out to We didn't have a mirror the first few days. Yes, there's eventually a mirror, but even that was being like not being like, hey on, I'm always washing my face and looking in a mirror.

How do I not have a mirror? What?

So? Yeah, I think it was pressive, but then you're right. I think it was totally free. It was just being like, so, you know, you realize how much you rely on one million things, especially me, Like I have my laptop in the background playing Seinfeld, I'm like eating snacks all the time.

I'd be having my phone.

I'd be just like, you're just using so much all my one million little gadgets and gizmos and accessories and whatever. And then it's just like, oh, you literally have nothing, and your brain's initially gonna go no, no, no, no no, and then you're just like, oh, I am fine, I actually can do this. It'll be annoying for a bit and then you fully just adjust and you just go, okay, embrace it again.

It's not forever, so just see what it's like.

And because we I think there's so much distraction, and a lot of us enjoyed the distraction, what did you learn about yourself most fundamentally when you didn't have that distraction?

Okay, the massive thing that I was confronted with without the one million distractions was my thoughts twenty four seven.

So I actually think.

I realized the real weight of running from my thoughts truly, I think my self critic and just the voice that I listened to in my head could be really really really mean.

And really really critical.

And I actually realized before going into the jungle that I didn't spend much time ever sitting with it.

I'm talking, I'm listening.

To music NonStop, I've got the TV on NonStop, like whether I'm walking with you know, I'm like talking for a job, and then I'm I'm just input.

Input, input.

And the one thing that without that gone was like, oh, I just need to sit with myself, and that was so uncomfortable in moments, and I was really forced to be like to hear it and to sit with that discomfort, and that was the main thing of then being like, oh, this feels terrible when now's the time to decide how long do I Why.

Is it like this? And why am I going to keep letting it be like this? And why what does your inner critics say to you?

M my in a critic can just be quite negative about the future, and maybe just you know, it came up, you know, there was that classic moment where even my own looks and how I thought about myself of just being like, you're ugly, like you're not you're you're not you're not worthy, like no one would be no one could see you as that like your skin everything gross great. I don't know, it really can become a cacophony. I

I guess what I'm asking is because there's this Dali Lama quote that I love that says, the worst thing about criticism is that it's true. And what I always take from that is and particularly if you're public facing like you are, people will fire shots and whatever, but they don't all land. And the ones that don't land are the ones that you actually don't believe, right, So that's fine, And people can say, you know whatever, you know,

Of truth about it?

That is really what stabs you in the heart or the psyche or the confidence.

What's coming up, I would say is that I wasn't good enough, just that it not enough, like just not pretty enough, not skilled enough, not funny enough, like just just this always falling.

Short to be. Yeah, I don't know if that's even more specific.

I wonder, and I wonder if you wonder how much of that comes from essentially who you are, or from your the fact that we live in modern life and there's a lot of comparison in a modern life, or how much comes from your background.

WHOA, that's a really good question.

I I'm not sure. I feel like it has to be both. Comparison is a big one for me because it's that really that's something I do know that was in my childhood and like shown to me off. I was constantly compared to my sister, to my cousin, to schoolmates, and that's where I think I learned to build worthiness, which is incredibly unsustainable and absolutely makes you miserable, but it's because it had been what I was most used to.

Do that for myself?

That is something I'm just like, I couldn't be more adamant about making other people feel like. Nothing would mortify me more than to put anyone down truly in any way, unless like some sort of evil Disney villain. And then it was like, but I could not do that in a very like consistent way or enough that made me

Broke the wow the flood gates.

At what point do you think that happened when.

They put the crown on my head? No, just kidding, I Well.

That is external affirmation can serve a purpose, But if you look at Hollywood, you see that just purely external affirmation doesn't fill the yawning chasm in a lot of particularly creative people or people who have to battle their Ego with their work.

That is what I would be talking about with George, Like I just think about it. I'm like, yeah, my whole Columbar George Columbaris, Yeah, I was just talking about I think there was a stage in my career sort of before being there, before getting into the jungle, where you know, yeah, my whole job is external about it's getting laughs, it's performing outside, you know, and there was

And you know, then you get to.

Talk to someone like George who's that's such a like long career and can speak to being like, no, that is important and like just what you said, It's like it's not enough to just be but it also makes sense that that can happen to you. You get caught up in the you know, but it's like, at what point do you decide, No, this should be fulfilling for me. I should be enjoying this, especially when I think my whole life has been geared to.

Like do comedy.

My whole dream in life is to have fun, make other people have fun as much as possible, because joy is like an important value to me.

From what aged were you comedically drawn?

Well? I think I think I have very early memories of being in school and being the class clown and always just yeah, being the silly one, and always in school and even with my family. I loved making my family laugh, and my dad made me laugh and my sister made me laugh. So I think it's been yeah, pretty pretty early.

It's interesting that you've chosen a path that contains the antidote to some of the things that you were enduring in your life, isn't that?

I think it's.

Yeah. I don't know if it's like that that cliche thing where you know, yeah, out of the trauma, out of the you know, growing up in a household that was very.

Like I guess, being attuned to.

My father and his moods and that like that was like the sun's setting and everything was. My whole day was where is he at? Is he Is it a good day? Is it a bad day? Am I going to copy beating?

Am I not?

Has this thing triggered him like my safety was completely tied to one person from the minute I was born, Like that's all I knew from.

My entire family. It was like, and so.

Then you know, if we're laughing, if he's laughing for whatever reason and things, I am safe, I am safe, I'm happy. So how funny that that's something that you chase and then you I don't know, then.

You make a career out of it too. Well, that's your.

Geared towards maybe trying to keep things light, trying to project energy and good vibes. I had an acting teacher once who used to say, mood backwards is doom. And I always think that about moody people. You know, the weight that they carry with you.

Oh yep.

And it gives me goosebumps now even thinking of the that feeling that you get when like a dementa has emptied enter the room and sucks all the joy out of everyone.

Like you know when the sun like there's an eclipse, Like that's what happens. And you're absolutely right. I can't I actually can't top a demental. It's what it feels like. It's like you know when you're watching the screen and that it's that gray color, and it's like it's absolutely vacuum. That is energy that I try to stay as far away from as possible.

And yet, of course.

When you're a child, you can't yep, and you so your mum and your sister.

So you're talking about your dad.

At what age did you become aware that your normal was not.

Normal?

I feel like it's I feel like it's hard to pinpoint, but I I guess, like I think about how I found a journal of my little diary I had as a little girl. Maybe I was like ten or something like that, and I was just literally writing, being like I.

Love books, I love reading. Reading is the best I love to read.

And then there's like a line in there being like, but my dad gets really mad if I'm like not reading the classics any Like it's this really like tragic thing of just like I don't know, a little kid just talking about what's happening, being like, oh, but I get in big trouble if I'm not reading this specific.

Type of book. So it's been there forever.

All I know is I don't know if there was a moment where I'm like, oh, this isn't normal, But I guess I knew it was a normal and that I never talked to anyone about it. I knew enough to go, this isn't something I can share with literally anyone, not my cousin who I grew up with, like an extra sister who was around my dad, and probably sensing I just I don't know. I guess I knew.

But.

I just thought, there's I have no agency here. I'm like, this is my family, this is dad. So I just thought, well, what can you do? You just deliver with it.

After the break.

Conchetta shares what it was like growing up in a home where violence was a constant. I think one of the most powerful things about any kind of violence, domestic violence is.

The secrecy that goes with it.

And the wanting to keep it at bay so greatly that you don't even want to speak about it when it's not happening. Less, you sort of conjure it into the room like a monster. Yeah, so did your mum or your sister Did you ever get a chance to talk about things? Were they escalating or de escalating? Things were getting worse?

Yeah, things were getting worse, for sure. It's so funny because I think about it, you go, oh, why wouldn't you tell someone. The fear was so strong that I just literally the fear of it, of telling someone, you know, And this is something that's happened in micro moments your entire life, in your most formative time as a kid growing up, that I just couldn't see any way out. I'd literally not the police, I go, this will only

The next side. So that sort of speaks to that part.

But speaking about it, yeah, it was absolutely escalating my I know because it was my little sister. My little sister, she was really struggling at school. I think my sister, I reckon. I had a better time at school generally. I just enjoyed school. What would you know, with different personalities, different people, Because my sister it harder and so she was, Yeah,

Did the school have to stop sending reports because that would make your dad angry?

Absolutely, whatever our results were, yep, that's a tense time.

Good or bad.

You're you're getting beaten, you're in trouble. I have this memory of me and my sister literally, it's like something out of a spy movie. We tried to open one of the reports and change the results literally, like the way that you'd get like a rubber and like try and make an eight into it.

Like and I think.

About how skined, like in a way, like how brave and crazy that is. Because like if dad even found out that that we've like changed and the lying and the deceited, he would go but listen. But like again that fear of being like we need to stop this, this bad mark because this is going to lead to that Like we're like change. We're like like I actually, yeah,

You say earlier that your dad was funny and your dad made you laugh, which is I think another confusing aspect to any situation like that, because you love this person, yep, and this person can make you feel good, but the

Yeah, it's really complicated, right, Like sometimes so comp it is.

It's like you don't you don't know how to deal with it.

You're not talking, you just say in it, and you're going to react in different ways at different times. But also little little children, absolutely, little children, totally. I think there'd be times where yep, you'd be covering for the other. There'd be times where you would have to we would have to to freeze and wait for it to over the idea of stepping in and stopping only escalates, which sounds, if I might say, fucked and tragic, but being in it, you're like, if I do this or if I stop it,

I'm actively making it worse.

But in that moment that by laughing, by yes, of course, by yeah, there's a role to play of like I'm being beaten, I should be set, you know.

And I remember my sister watching on being like what are you doing?

I think she was telling me stop laughing, But in that moment, I was like, oh, I actually don't. I'm actually just making this choice that I this is the way that I'm just reacting, and you know, I'm not choosing that all the time.

But yeah, it's.

Just a memory that I have a lot of them are blurry, but that one I remember.

So it can shadow your inappropriate laughter, which she is like pouring petrol on a fire.

Yeah, how old are you? Then? I'm older. I think I would be.

Like a teenager maybe like you know, seventeen eighteen or something.

You know, like so and your little sister who's trying to warn you, how old was she at the time.

Well, she's four years.

Younger than me, so she'd be Yeah, I guess thirteen fourteen or something.

And when you were changing her report card, what was the subject?

By the way, that was the I actually couldn't tell you. He could have been all of them, you know, any of them.

Yeah, it's not like because he was a professional guy and he was an optometrist, so as your mom. Yeah, that he had an expectation that you'd be good at dot dot you had to be good at everything.

Yeah, And again that I think that comes out of wanting wanting the best for it, Like it's this tragic thing. He's like, I want you to do well. I need you to do out of school so that you are set up for a good life. The way he's going about it is clearly fucked but it's like this, it's coming out of being like this is a parent, you know.

Yeah, did he think it was discipline? I think yes, I think yes.

I think it was discipline of this is how it's keeping you in the line so that you do better.

It was all to be like see wou do batter?

I didn't have a job growing up through school so that I could focus on studying.

I didn't.

It's not to talk to boys, so you don't get and you don't like all this classic like I don't know, really like conservative it's And I also think it's in a way what my dad grew up with.

And I'm not saying like it's just that patterns. Yeah, I'm not.

Yeah, it's not like the abuse was the same or the adviolence the same. But I think it's just his way of like that is what he thought was like the way of exerting control to lead to a good life for us.

Yes.

Yes, So when you were helping your sister, which was a very dangerous thing to be doing, did it occur to you at the time that that was brave or is it only in retrospect that you recognize that.

I think it's in retrospect because in it it's survival. It's like I have to do this or the worst thing ever is about to happen, Like everything is just in survival of like I need to hide these crumbs, like I always remember the the sound we remember is.

The garage door.

So it would be like we'd have a few hours at home by ourselves before our parents would get home after work and you know, like to decompress for like I don't know, we're watching TV. We're like actually just having a few times alone, not in that well, and then as soon.

As we're hearing a garage door, it's like.

Like energized baby, like quick, get high of it, like you know, everything's just built. It's just about So I don't think we're yeah sitting around being like oh my god, I'm being so brave. No, it's only being like looking back and being like Geese Louise, like that was brave because you're taking this risk. You're just like on a knife's edge. You know.

Also, how's your mom because she she and your dad worked together as well.

Yeah, so she never had like a sip of oxygen. Nope, yeah it's yeah.

It's yeah again, I go, there's a I see there's a strength there to live this, to live in this too. And I think about my mom. Mum's and was an amazing optomicy. My mom was an amazing Like for her carrying all this stuff when it's just unrelenting, is I mean, it's it's it's very sad, you know, it's.

Yeah, it makes me really sad.

Your mom said that the catalyst for her to get you girls out was when your sister was on the cusp of basically running away from home.

Yep, that's right.

She had I apparently had packed a bag, like I think my mom said she like noticed something a little bit with Francesca, like a bit. Yeah, I don't I can't speak for her in the way that mum could, but she noticed something was up maybe and then yeah, maybe she'd packed a bag. And I think my sister was called my mom outside to school and just broke down and was like I planned to run away, like I don't want to go back, Like I can't do this.

That's an amazing instinct of a mother that she could endure it, but she couldn't endure it forcing you or your sister out. Yeah, and so that galvanized her. And then you did this amazing move. So you went from Sydney suburban Sydney to Wa yep, yeah, which is huge. That's the equivalent of teen countries.

Totally.

It really was like what's the furthest point from here, the other side of the country and where we have we know no one, we have no connection. But my mum also said this beautiful thing where like my grandfather who's a migrant from northern Italy, and he came over and worked around the country and he worked I think in w A and.

A lot of fruit and beage in Wa. Was it that, No, he's a he's a builder.

So I think he was like yeah, using his hands in like a building type way, or being disappointed. I don't remembering the country building the country, building the country. I think he worked on the is it the hydro where a lot of it is the snowy, Yeah, snow worked on that are.

The hydro scheme. Wow.

So anyways, I think he mentioned he worked in Perth, and he just talked about like the beauty like blue of the ocean, and he just I think my mom said she like never forgot the imagery of my nominal talking about that part.

Of the world.

And so that little bit of hope, you know, is going to come to you in a bleak time of being like, Okay, we need to up and move our whole lives to escape.

Where should we go? And I think that popped into her head.

But what does that look like like to anyone who's moved house? Yeah, even in you know, normal circumstances, that's a massive undertaking. Yeah, how did it play out for you? Did it have to be done in secret?

Yeap?

Again, my mom is the the maestro of this. She was the adult, right, Like even though I'm nineteen, I'm Mom is sorting this all out and so I can't speak to that level of detail, but you know there would be stuff going on of like setting up a secret bank account.

And I know for me and my sister it was literally.

Like setting aside clothes in your draw of like what you will be ready to take an escape bag pretty much.

An escape bag. Yep.

I'm realizing, like, what's the essentials here? What are you prepared to leave behind? And I think it would have been mum, you know, having a conversation with this the school, and you know, I seriously like for my mom to handle still like working living with my dad full time

Dad's usually asleep.

We're packing the final pack, trying to you know, don't want the boot to be too loud, like every little bit. It's so tense, and just getting in the car and then driving to my We went to my grandparents and then we went to the refuge.

Are both your parents Italian? Yes?

And so you had two sets of grandparents or yep. Did they have any idea of what was going on in your home?

I don't think they did. I don't think they knew how bad it was. I don't think they knew the extent of it. I think they knew something was I think they you know, I think they could see parts of my dad's character and like streaks, and I don't think they were his biggest fan. But no, I think they Yeah, when Mum told them, I don't think they knew the level it was at.

So they knew.

Go to wa and you, of course have to ensure that he can't find you, because a person who's controlled three other people and is used to that, I imagine he's not going to let them go easily.

Yeah, yeah, that's what we had to what Once we got to the refuge, then it was a matter of looking for where to live and legally changing our names.

My sister was too young, but me and my mom did. And what did you change your name to Siena as I.

E Ana the one n like like the Italian city and the last name was Degraux. And that was like again like a fun discussion of like.

What's our names going to be?

Like what I'm looking into Like what h I mean, it was pretty It's like a rebirth and a taking back control, I guess, of being like what I want to call myself?

What's my name going to be? So yeah, I became Siena.

The survival instinct of that reminds me of the sound of music almost where they're trying to make the escape over the Alps.

Fun for your little children.

It's like that, yes totally, And once again the onus on your mother to be the one that this is going to be all right, when in many ways she's the last person that you would expect to be able to say that.

Yeah totally.

But I guess, you know, the three of us, no one knew but us, like do you know what I mean? Like that is the joy of having each other in the ups and the downs of like nothing can be worse than what we've gone through. And you've got all the same fear and guilt and and just.

All of that running through your brain.

But and all of us at different points, you know, like we can't say we're all completely feeling the same things at the same time, no way, but we were in it together.

So that's And then did you have a period where you decompressed together, where you could like take a breath.

Did you feel safe as Siena. Did you feel safe? I think I did.

I think there's always that back of your mind anxiety of being like is this real? Is this possible? Will

Next, Concetta reflects on the transformation she saw in her mother once they were finally free from the violence. What change did you see in your mouth? That is such an amazing question.

I actually will never forget it of watching it was literally like a flower blossoming. I think about my mom and like how she would dress. She started to like you could just see it.

It went from like.

The palette of like brown and like frumpy and stuff that she just did it to actually like watching her find a sense of style, watching her find joy in op shopping and pieces that like dresses, and you know, like actually watching the way she like her, the way she walked, the way she carried herself, the way she like. I remember that was really clear of her coming home and us having been like look at this dress.

This too.

There's like a shop in Perth called like good Sammy, we don't have it in the in the East, and we'd be like wow, like.

I found this like oriton top like two dollars, and.

Like I just remember thinking that was so amazing, Like just in that way of just seeing color come back to someone literally in their eyes and their face and in the way they show up for every day literally like finding joy and hope. And that's a very like physical, clear like manifestation.

And did you because you'd always found.

That joy outside that home as well, because you enjoyed you know, school, yep, very social.

Yeah, you know you've got a you've got.

A good engine, I do you know it's geared towards joy and uplift. How was Sienna different to Concertta, whoa, whoa.

Hmm, how is he different to Concertta?

I think I think there was maybe Sienna like more just trying to figure figure out who she wanted to. I felt like I needed to catch up to everyone.

I think racted development.

I was like, I should know all this stuff by now. I should know how to like like have a sense of style and know how to have a job and like, no, what I took to ball and like all this stuff. I think there was a bit of that kind of

Or where you were going or so there's.

Probably that inside me, two of this grief, but being like no, got to keep got to keep positive, like you know, there's no looking back.

Did you end up working?

Yeah, I got my first job at City Beach, and that was so cool.

Working in retail and said, no, wonder.

I know, this girl's the happiest girl ever to like have a job in retail.

So that was pretty pretty exciting. I want to ask you something. You don't have to answer it, but.

When you're in that situation and your mother's got is the only one who's an adult who can exercise that control to leave the situation that you're in, that untenable and she doesn't do it. Did you and your sister have periods when you were angry at her?

I don't want to stick with my sister, but I definitely know that I I did. I think that, and I think it can be conscious, it can be unconscious, but that one hundred makes things really hard and just feeling like, yeah, it's just this really uncomfortable and sad reality where you just.

You're like, is anyone protecting me? I guess?

But then of course she's in this situation where you're angry at her and she's already dealing with your dad.

That's why.

And the thing is like, you can't put the blame on each other. The person who deserves the blame is the bus it was inflicting this and we are just you know, you're just going to have emotions and it's very compliment.

It's not fair to each of us.

But you're human, right, so it's just going to go in different directions you're a kid or whatever. But I also just think about I was really isolated from my mom from the start. I have a relationship where my mom says, like, as soon as I was born, there was pressure for her to go back to work, and we didn't. I didn't get a bonding time with her, unlike my sister. And I also know that you know, with some abuses and had relationships like that, who the control.

And so we like a dad's girl. Yeah, yeah, So you had to.

Leave that behind as well. As part of the complexity of what we're talking about absolutely absolutely.

And the thing I wanted to go back and say is like I think, yeah, of course, it's hard to hear someone who can inflict such pain also be someone that you love and love. But that's the thing, right, And like, actually, humans they're not clear like a dementor. They're not They're people who have personalities and have good parts and bad parts. It's not like easy circle that person's all bad all the time. It just can't work like that.

Well, that's why the situations also exist because you know the capacity of this person to be their essential, untainted self, and every time you see that beautiful part of them, you're that part of you, the faith part of you is restored and you're like, maybe this is how it will be now.

Yeah, totally.

It's like also, it's like my dad in particular, like he could be very loving, he could be That's what a lot of perpetrates with people don't understand, is like they're humans, so they can be charming, they can be So my dad could be loving, and but it was very I would say the love that I grew up with, it was conditional.

It was am I doing the right thing? Am I being sure?

Then I will receive love and if I'm not, it's the stark opposite. And that's a very specific way of growing up, conditional love versus uncondition And.

Did that definition of you doing the right thing change all the time?

Hmmm, I'm sure yes, But I would say that, like the top line would be the same of being a good girl and studying hard and you know, not speaking up and not talking to boy like, you know, the through lines are kind of the same of if I'm doing good at school, we're all good.

If I'm studying, we're all good.

If I'm you know, like on the path that we'd hope of, just like going to UNI and not being a slut and not dressing like a slut and not like I don't know, like those things are kind of the same.

And I find this hard to hear because you are such a good girl. Thank you. You're such a good girl. Thank you.

And I think that's what that's where the not enough comes in. If I was a good girl, but it wasn't enough because it couldn't be all the time?

Well who can?

You can? And then so was Seeina when you had you like your rubber band, your explosion of you know or not explosion, but you're your rebellion from that, and you know you've talked about this in your stand up and stuff as well. Wait your wild face, how did that manifest?

Oh my god?

It involved me joining a society at UNI, which I hadn't realized, like is you know, all the orientation stuff and all the events have pretty much just like been shrinking.

Excuse us to bin drink.

Right, And I would traditionally yeah, that's right, and i'd grown up, you know, not drinking, but again being scared off drugs, alcohol like all that kind of stuff. Boys, boys, all of it, and I'm thrown into it, and also adding the expectation of I should be able to do this. I need to keep up with everyone. I can't seem like a fish out of water and tell them that

I was talking about this with my mum recently.

I would be like hugging the toilet bowl, vomiting like in the most like scream like terrible hangovers and Mum being like this is really not okay. But I'm like, oh, but I have to do this, Like this is what you do when you need to make friends. I need to like go to the Uni van and I need to like drink with everyone. Everyone else is drinking, like but clearly I had like a much lower tolerance than everyone else. You know, I'm like pissing myself while I'm

I like partying? Like do I enjoying this stuff?

Like look what it's doing to my body, but just being like what do you I'm just following everyone else and.

Just trying to fit in.

Because also, if you think about adolescence sort of like a flight of steps you had missed you went straight to the top land like he didn't. He hadn't learned any of that ascent because it was denied to you.

Absolutely, Like that's the part. There's so many things like not being allowed to go to sleep of is not being allowed to go to like I just had these big gaps.

When people like still go, you're so sheltered.

I was just really sheltered, and in a way where you get to be like the way I'm able to be open about it now and be like, oh, I have these blind spots.

Here's why I wasn't able to do that.

So I'm just pretending. I'm just trading water. I'm just being like la la la la la, just to seem normal.

So when you're in Wa and you're Siena one in Siena.

Very important to see that you're so specific about that. I thought it was better with the one and sorry anyways, keeping me.

Yeah, it's like Danny Minogue double I. Yeah, you know you're making a statement.

That's right.

But at what point did you transition out of Siena and was that like a critical defining moment where you went tomorrow I'm going to be conchetah or I'm going to tell people how does that work? Oh?

Yeah it was.

Yeah, It's it's like it's not like a clear definition, right, it's like a a longer process of the realizing, like we're making the decision to go back again.

You've just done this huge thing of Oh my god. I can't even explain.

It was just so crazy and messy and conflicting to be like, okay, now I'm going back to Conchetta. What I can say is I I was selective about who I told in Perth. You know, it's not like you throw one big party and you're like, hey, everyone, here's the story. I'm getting everyone on the same page. It's the Conchetta launch party, and here's the story of me telling you.

About my trot.

No, it was like, oh my god, I now have to rip myself from what another reality.

I've just gone one gear.

Now the next gear to try and you know, build have this better future and build the next step. And I remember I pretty much like slow faded from people. You can still find the Facebook. It is still active, the Cianna Degrach Facebook. And I told a few friends and I'm still in contact with one of those beautiful friends, Mira.

She's so incredible, and.

I yeah, again, it's like evaluating, what are these relationships? Are you able to like share this really messy and complicated story at the same point, you know, being worried about safety and all these different things. But I was telling a few people and then the rest it was again like what I did before, just like leaving and assuming like, oh, I won't bother anyone and I'm just going to leave and no one will ask me questions and I'll again then just slip on out type of situation.

But also this must be.

Tasting because to draw people in and share this with them requires a certain amount of intimacy and a relationship that you've developed with them. And then you also have to say to them I've been lying to you. Yeah, So that's very nuanced and strange.

Absolutely, but I would say, you know what a reason to lie? Like no one was like you bitch, like you, how dare you?

Like?

You know, they go, They're like.

This is the most insane thing I've ever heard, and I was only ever met with like you know, the people I told like an empathy and a sympathy and a and a just like a I guess a real like whoa like a shock of you know, what can you do?

And then you're also and so they were like what do I call you now? Yeah? And that's a kind thing to ask someone.

And it's people who allowed me space to this sort of like complicated reality. And then also the crazy part is then like you I'll get then I'm like Conchatta on Triple J and I got message of people being.

Like hang on your concertto like, you know, like it's.

So life's crazy, dude. Imagine being a person to be like what I knew? This girl called Siena in pert what is she?

And she looked exactly like yeah, but.

There's a lot of yeah, just a lot of emotional stuff they carrying them coming back in to Sydney and deciding who I tell and reconnecting with my best friend whose life I missed the better part of a year. She's got a long term Boyfri and I don't know, like it was just what a thing to navigate the three of us.

You know, how long will you see Enna?

I think I was Sienaugh for maybe like nine months, like seven to nine months. It was like the better part of twenty fourteen.

Where is she now? S She's on Facebook? Go find her at her as a friend? I gotta Yeah.

I sometimes would go back in and read the conversations, and you know, it's a it's a very unique thing to have. It's like a time capsule. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when was comedy born?

In this in this period, your desire to stand up in front of her people and they sit in the dark and you've had the light on you and you make them laugh.

Actually not in the Perth era.

What it got me to was I did a whopper short course of acting for screen and stage.

The WI Performing Arts Academy or that's right.

So it got me to you know, I think I was watching stand up shows over in Perth, but wasn't. I wasn't signing up to open micause I wasn't actually practically doing comedy. But I think I started to be like, what if I wanted to perform?

And I did this.

Acting course, which I think I enjoyed, but I also struggled with it. It was very serious and I think I was like, oh, I don't know about acting. And then it wasn't until eventually getting back to Sydney, and it actually was a bit of a journey to get to stand up.

It wasn't straight into stand up. There was acting.

Then there was reviews, university reviews like those plays.

That you make at UNI.

Yes, fun theater, sports ensemble, ensemble, that's right, theater, sports improv.

Stand up.

Stand up to me seemed the most far out and scary and vulnerable thing of like performing to do so it took me a journey just to get to stand up.

And what was it in you? Do you think.

That your desire to do that was born from the essential Concertta or was it a reaction to what Conchetta had lived?

I think that's hard to answer, but my instinct is to say it surely must be a combination of both.

I do think, like if we.

Ask my mom or people who know me, like my personality is one that thrives off people and interaction, and I don't know, I guess just like being fully myself or something and sharing that. But then I also think there's something in the control, there's something in the being, like I'm putting myself out there and trying to find celebration in that where I wasn't able to have that

So I'd have to be like, oh, yeah, no, I'm not the class clown.

But then I'm going out there and doing that and feeling the joy from being my full self but not being able to be my full self at home, having to be a version of myself.

And on it.

So I think, yeah, then the art of getting up there and for better or for worth being, like here's me, here's my thoughts, here's my personality, here's my daughter. Like that truly has to be something of like that freedom feeling really powerful when.

You've had to hide so many parts of yourself, your comedy is very take a three sixty few of me, Like really, it's like, I'll do the spin.

Then you're sorry, right.

Like I think about my beautiful ex boyfriend Ben, who was also a comedian, and a big part of our relationship was, you know, finding each other.

So did the show together? Did the show together and get emotion?

But I think about him and both loving comedy, both have really similar comedy sensibilities, but getting to learn about the different kinds of comedians that you can have where it's like my ex he loved writing jokes, like he grew up listening to centup albums and the love for him was performing and thinking and writing jokes. And a lot of his jokes. Literally, you would learn nothing about my boyfriend. You wouldn't know like you know, it's like the art of the joke and being really surreal.

And then you've got me who is.

I learned he had diary from you, not from him.

And that shade constant a.

You would learn more about him from me than you would from his own our comedy shows and and yeah, mine is very like who I am off is on I'm sharing what's happening in my life.

It's very like personal. It's very like la la la la.

And and I just remember seeing that like, oh, that's a different way of being a comedian or doing comedy of like for him it was in the joke, writing the and he just thought about it differently. But we both appreciated each other, but it was very different. So, yeah, hearing you said that, I was like, yes, it's very three sixty, it's very Yeah.

So, relationship wise, how much of your background do you take into a relationship. I mean, we all It's hard to answer because we are all, you know, the sum of the experiences that we've had.

But are you wary?

Are you are your antenna honed for any signs of you know, controlling behavior, or do you feel that you have taken off that cloak of history and that you can step, you know, unweighted into the romantic future.

I think where I am now, I would be stepping in the most unweighted. But I would say that was a long journey. I've been in therapy for maybe like I don't know, like seven or eight years, you know, the better part of like ten years. And the only thing that got me into therapy. It's not being like, oh I've had I grew up with violence and I.

Blah blah lah.

No, it was it was because of a relationship, because, like you say, you take yourself and your pass into your relationships, and my first proper relationship, I was really erratic. I was very like really high highs and then really low low is, meaning like he would one time he was like running late. He like lived in Manly or something. He's like got a big trek to meet me, and he's like running late. He's like sorry, I was like playing on my video game. I'm like freaking out, being

You're a little bit late.

You'd miss it, like, you know, there were things like that where I'm having really high reactions to maybe small things and it's unconscious, right, and then my partner's being like, oh, this is a trend, this is happening.

You know.

It was through this relationship of them finding it really hard and sort of noticing like, I think there's stuff here that maybe you should speak to someone about. It was through trying to love someone and seeing what was being done to me of like how I'm wrecked and being like what am I psycho? Like that got me into the chair to speak to someone.

And what sort of therapy? Well, like how did you know what? Or did you try a few? Was it suck at? And see? Well?

Actually, I think I went to my local medical center and just went I need to see a therapist. And I remember I was put with one, and I remember sitting in the session and you know, you do the classic questions just getting to know them type thing, and I just remembered for like, all, this feels like someone who's like a dad. It was a man and just not being like is my abusive dad? I mor mean like it was just like, oh, I just didn't feel like we were getting each other or he was getting me, or it.

Just felt like not the right fit.

And I think I was like, oh, and it was my mom who was seeing someone. And I can't remember how she found our therapist. And she had a history in working with people who flee war and people who come from violence, and there's trauma, and that kind of trauma, even that sounds crazy, is like similar because it's I think what connects them as you're constantly on edge, you're constantly in fid or flight, like if you're fleeing war, and if you've got like someone who could turn at any time.

So my mom, I don't think that sounds crazy.

Yes, so true, it's actually so normal. And then she was like, I'm seeing someone, why don't you try her? And so then I went I was lucky in having I guess that recommendation and just finding that fit and it being one of like my salvations in my life of you know, coming and being like I'm in the relationship.

I'm struggling. Here's what's going on.

And she's like, Okay, well let's talk about where it all started. And I'm like, well, why, Like I'm not being beaten anymore. Everything should be normal, right, And then I literally am starting to learn about what that environment growing up with, how that shapes the way you see love, how you receive love, how you see yourself, how you

It's been a big journey of what sort of man are you attracted to?

Funny me funny funny, they've got a hold on it.

I mean that's every woman. Yeah, just about totally. What else? I mean?

I think I really like I remember with my last partner, he was just very kind and very very I guess just maybe like assured in himself, a calmness, maybe calm and quiet men I've been attracted to.

You're describing Yin and yang. That's all right, But you.

Know when you were like, oh do you like there were I remember thinking, like, you know, I'm not going to go for someone violent. But what I learned was I was there was a sort of trajectory where I was maybe attracted to.

Men or a man where they it was that.

Similar thing of up and down if we're talking right, the love bombing and then the take it away. And I had a relationship definitely like that where it wasn't violence or anything, but it was this very like toxic kind of up and that is what I had felt comfortable in. That is all I'd known, And again it was only through therapy, and honestly a lot of it's also then in hindsight and moving on to the next thing that you realize, Okay, you can fall in patterns.

YEA, that there's something about the regularity of the heartbeat of the relationship and that you also break the pattern of maybe needing the adrenaline. Yes, sheefs because it's something you are familiar with.

Yes, And if I may say, now, I'm just sort of like saying stuff and not waiting for you to ask me.

But can I just say what I.

Think I got from my last relationship that was like the next chapter and it ties to the jungle, right, is I think I relied on my ex to build up that love and kindness to me that I couldn't give myself potentially in an unsustainable way because I did not. I was not able to do that for myself. And I think that is the way that I sucked from my partner because he always was able to give that.

We'll see.

Well, Luke in the Jungle Tract and Luke, come on, he had something shocking for you, Baby.

Didn't, Baby didn't, Babe, he did.

I actually said to him on our podcast The House I Do with n Valvox. These two likes maya for vols in one like Conceetta's in the other, like you can only save one, and Valvo was going, stop it, stop it, you I can And you know what he said. I've heard he said me, I'd have to save my little check out and he even did that he pronounced your name properly.

Romantic but not that. Yeah, I don't think it is.

I honestly think uh he I mean, I understand, and it was the big thing, that one of the big things that came out of it.

But I wonder if it's small like a friendship.

He just felt we've bonded more as friends or we just were more.

I don't know. There we go with the comparison.

You don't see yourself as a lumberjack's wife living in western Queensland while he fills timber and reads books on his track.

I mean I did think about it trad I probably would. God, there's worse, worse, worst way, sure, God, But no, I don't. I don't think that's my I don't. I somehow don't think that's my future.

How you know, your you and your mom, and when your mom came into the jungle, which was very moving, the bond between you was extraordinary, forged in a fire, you know. But how is your dad about this?

Now?

I'm not really in contact with my dad very much. I might send a text here or there, so I don't know.

But he would have seen you, yeah, and he would have heard these conversations and knew that your charity that you were supporting in the jungle for instance.

Yeah.

He he sent me a text saying congratulations on winning, but not about anything, not anything else.

So I really don't. I haven't spoken to him.

I don't know what he feels about it, and I assume it's very complicated and I definitely had and I know my mum does too. Of like that reality of it being out there and him seeing it like that's still something that I.

Brings me anxiety and makes me feel.

Still guilt about again, because it's that classic of like I was taught for safety, it's not speaking about it and not you know, I pushed through it and did it anyway, and I just tried to, you know, be like I'm entitled to speak about what's happened to me, and I'm doing it for good reasons.

You were talking about your dad, and I think you've showed capacity for an enormous amount of understanding towards where his you know, abhorrent behaviors came from. When you left, you and your sister and your mom, that must have come as an enormous shock to him.

In the intervening.

Years, has he ever addressed the issues that led to you leaving with your mom or your sister or you.

Has he acknowledged what role he played in you having to leave? Or has he apologized? Absolutely?

Yeah, he like multiple times he said sorry, and he, you know, I guess was realizing it was getting out of hand. It is complicated his response. I also think there was he would also play the victim too, you know, it's not this easy, like, yeah, all one clear, I'm sorry.

There was a lot. There was a lot.

And also I think in abusive relationships is often a pattern where the abuse that is very contrite and very apologetic afterwards.

So how do you know that? How do you know which is which?

You know, which is a permanent state of self reflection and acknowledgment of fault, and which is just part of that pattern that cycle.

Totally, And I think I've probably seen it all.

We all have at different moments, and I think it's hit him in different waves of different things happening in our lives and him, I mean, I know it's something that he feels. Yeah, I know he feels remorse for it. I also don't know if he understands it. I remember early wanting him to go to therapy and I don't know if he has or if he's done that to sort of understand deeper. But I gave up on waiting for that and just working on my healing because you

Has Yeah, and that's and that's hard.

Of course, But I don't excuse what he's done, and.

But I just yeah, it's just it's just a sad.

But I think about this, I'm like, family's complicated. Family is complicated, Relationships are complicated, and it's holding space for all the millions of colors in between for however you feel. So he's someone who I will always love because he's my dad and he's someone who makes me incredibly sad and brought me a lot of pain and the people around me inexcusable things. And he's also in my blood. I look like him. There's I have manner. Isn't like like there's just it's just this very.

Yeah, it's yeah, it's it's big ship, you know.

And does the truth set you free?

The truth absolutely sets me free. And I think what the most amazing thing of this journey has been is the messages I've gotten Kate, of how people have felt like, Hope, I can't tell you what that's like.

That's that's crazy, that's been, that's what.

That's really it of being like, oh damn, that's why you do it. I can't know, I can't see it, but I did it because it's just in a way of helping people, making people not feel alone.

Or that's the thing that soothes all that other stuff. And also the.

You know what Winston Churchill said, if you ever find yourself going through hell, keep going, but you couldn't stop where you were, and for people to see that, to see that a life of joy and you know, wearing a tiara is possible is an extraordinary thing to witness when you're in your own kind of hell. And you don't see that on television very often because it's very sanitized.

That's yeah, that's a good a good point, if I can say. I at the end of it, and after winning, I texted my my therapist, my first therapist, and I said, I don't know if you'd know, but there's the show and I want it. And it was off the back of.

Being being myself and telling my story with my mum, my sister, and I said, I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for the work that we did and the lessons that you taught me and the belief that she had, because I would never forget she would. I'd be making her laugh talking about and she's just like, God,

Gonna help people. And I just had to thank her. It's like, I can't not be thinking of you at this time. I want you to know I'm eternally grateful.

And the message that she.

Sent me back, it's just sort of what you're saying. Okay, I've just being like, she's like you, I was only ever mirroring what you were doing, the hard and messy work to fight to not let it define you and to.

You know, to show that you can have hope and be hope.

And that's something that's like, I would say, one of the biggest I don't know, do you know what?

Any Like, that's a.

Moment I'm going to have with me for forever and it feels shared, you know, and so that makes me it's never in isolation.

It couldn't be, do.

You know what. And and even though you have been you know, blessed the gift of external beauty.

Nothing makes someone.

As beautiful as bravery, I think, and you are exquisite.

Thank you.

That's so beautiful.

Okay, thank you so much, and you know what, Australia also decided to work.

You don't have to take my no word for it.

Your word means a lot. Thank you, Kate, Conctta Cristo.

Thank you for joining us on No Filter, and thank you for showing yourself.

Thank you for this beautiful interview, for your incredible questions. It's truly and I want to speak to you. Thank you.

Listening to Concertta speak about her childhood, It's impossible not to think about the courage it takes for families to leave situations like that, and the people and services who make those escapes possible. If this conversation has raised anything for you, please see our show notes for where you can find support. You can listen to Conchetta a Ray of Sunshine on Triple Jay Breakfast. Thanks for listening to No Filter. The executive producer of No Filter is bre Player.

I'm Kate Langbrook and I will see you next Monday. It's a date.

Mumma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters that this podcast is recorded on.