What Does Love ACTUALLY Mean To You? (2043)

. I think back to a time where I was so scarce , I was so afraid of being alone because I didn't love myself at all , that I thought love was attention . I thought love was proximity . I thought love was probably those two things . I think back to when I would have a partner and I could not spend a day without them .

I just it was like how is that even a thing ? Like how could I even exist without this person around me ? And obviously , going back to the Red Flags episode , that's a huge , huge , huge red flag flag . Now I would probably say it's , I think it's probably support . I think that's what love means to me support .

I I tell taryn all the time she's like hey , I , uh , I'm gonna go out with a friend or whatever . It's like , babe , you could go out every night , you're fine , I don't . You're good , you do your , you do your thing , I'm good , I'm centered , I'm grounded , you , you do your thing . I'll be here when you get home .

But I don't really need a ton of attention , I just like support when needed , and I think that's there's something about that . I used to want people to save me . I think that's what I used to want . I used to want somebody to be able to save me . Now I don't really .

I just want somebody to support me and somebody to listen , and then that's a whole different conversation .

I don't think so , no , knowingly at the same time who knows , might've been some ragers going on .

those .

I wanted somebody who for me , I think , attention and caring was what I would have defined love as . What would old Alan define love as Going deep today .

It was about healed men , men with therapists , men who do the inner work , love that he had said he had asked a question about me in the past and all this kind of stuff , and way back I don't know what I would have defined love as back then , my first girlfriend , my first serious girlfriend . We were together for four and a half years , off and on .

And for anyone out there who is listening , some of you may be from college I've been speaking at a college recently . Wpi , I don't recommend being and again , this depends on the person . Obviously , if I could go back in time , I would try my best to communicate to younger Alan hey , you're going to college , she's not .

She's two years younger than you , three years younger than you , and three years back then is a big deal . Three years now isn't as big of a deal , obviously because of the exponential curve of learning and maturity . Emilia is six years younger than me , she's 30 , and I'm 36 . And she's more mature at 30 than I was at 30 . So I can barely tell .

Only every now and then , with certain references , can I tell oh yeah , that's right , you didn't have no internet , um , but anyways . So I would say , alan , it's probably a mistake for you to try to make this relationship work in college .

I really think you should go explore and learn yourself and learn about people and learn different cultures and international , different ethnicities . You need to go be free and you need to go learn and expand . And so what did love mean to me back then ? We were trauma bonded . What do I mean by that ?

We both had very high what's called ace scores adverse childhood experiences and what love meant to me back then was probably probably physical touch . It was very sexual and it was very my paradigm back then . So for those of you who don't know what paradigm means paradigm is is your unconscious belief about what life is about .

My paradigm back then was achievement , first and foremost , always still kind of is in many ways , and the ones that are not anymore is friends and fun . So it was achievement , friends and fun . So naturally I had a ton of friends , I had a ton of fun and I achieved a lot , hence all my awards in the background , many awards , but anyways .

So when I got in my car accident at 26 , my paradigm changed and I realized that the paradigm that I grew up in was friends and fun . Achievement was true to me , still is , always will be . We talked about that on the last episode Work , ethic , work , ethic , work , ethic , work , ethic , work , ethic , work , ethic Forever , achievement forever .

But the friends and fun thing was never true to me . That was what I grew up in . My mom and stepdad loved to party and I'm talking party and some of that was awesome and some of that was fucking terrible . But my first girlfriend had a family with the similar paradigm and so we had that paradigm together .

It was about friends and fun and we partied together and physical touch , so we had a very good sexual relationship . We were very attracted to each other . It was about friends and fun and we partied together and physical touch , so we had a very good sexual relationship . We were very attracted to each other .

And I think that in hindsight and again , this is me speaking from only my perspective and I've since actually reconnected in my mid twenties with this person and just reflecting late twenties actually and I think that she saw me as an opportunity to achieve more , because she saw that I was an achiever and that I was very bright and smart and all that .

And I think on some level that's . What she always wanted was someone who could take her out of the environment she grew up in , which was not good , and I think I saw in her she was extremely attractive .

All the guys wanted her and we had a very good sexual relationship and she was a lot of fun and we had a lot of fun together and I think that that's what love meant to me back then is someone who needed me and someone that I needed and , I think , being desired and being needed .

After 26 , my paradigm shifted and what love means to me now is building toward a bigger , better , brighter future . That is I playfully joke with Kev behind the scenes Like have you ever had a conversation with me that wasn't about personal development or goals or dreams or building toward a bigger , better , brighter future ?

I brought my high school friends to college , my college friends to corporate and I did the traditional path preschool , kindergarten , middle school , high school , college , corporate and then I got in a car accident and that changed everything for me .

But what love means to me now is building toward a bigger , better , brighter future and being the change I wish to see in the world . That is my love language to a T and Emilia and I . We just did an episode on the Conscious Couples podcast about this and I asked her what love means to her .

This was the relationship talks event we were on and hers is growth . Growth equals love . The one thing about Emilia that never changes is that she's always evolving . That's why her company is called Evolve Ventures and she and I now our paradigm is achievement build . I mean she and I have conversations now about our unborn children Regularly , regularly .

She asked me last night what are you going to do as a father when our kids are having an emotional experience and most kids aren't used to seeing men cry and have emotions , and I'll provide a little context and then I'll pass it to you .

One of my clients sent me a clip of a comedian named Bilber and she's a therapist , and one of her clients sent it to her and it's a really funny excerpt .

It's eight minutes and it's really hilarious because he's basically poking fun at the fact that there's two modes men are allowed to have Angry or fine , and how everything in between , and how most men are just deeply sad and they're not allowed to say it or whatever , because then they get made fun of by other guys and he's playfully joking about it and he's

playfully joking about it . But it's also really depressing because the the statistics , from my current understanding , is that middle-aged men are the most likely to commit suicide , and I think the reason why is these quarter-life crisis moments that you and I had young .

You realize you wake up and realize that you've never dealt with your trauma , never dealt with your shit , because men are taught to just fucking bury it and not have a diary and not have emotions , and obviously you and I have , uh , broken that cycle . Considering we cry often although I'm due for one Same .

I spent my entire 13 years no , 11 years with my stepdad . Never once saw him cry . My mom never saw him cry , except for once at his mother's funeral , and so this is just a thing . It's men aren't supposed to my point of this episode .

What love means to you is very important to figure out , because there's implications that ripple into your life way beyond your intimate relationship .

Nlu , listener , what is happening ? I just wanted to jump in here and let you know if you want to get to the next level faster . We have a free virtual monthly meetup at the first Thursday of every month . You can connect with like-minded people and become a bigger part of this amazing global community . The link to register will be in the show notes .

What's safety certainty ?

You're going to have imperfect moments and we'll figure them out together . I think that's what safety means to me . I've had a lot of people ask didn't you want to be married to an entrepreneur ?

It's warmth , it's safety , it's nourishment , because out here when we're doing business and business we're doing business a little behind the scenes .

conversation .

And if you look at the statistics and you research shame and you research all this stuff , what you find is that women's number one form of shame is body image . Two guesses why , when the whole world is valuing only that , especially in your early formative teenage years ? And for men it's financial .

So a man that is unsuccessful is a fucking loser , apparently , and that's just a cultural thing . And I think there's also biological roots and evolutionary roots , like I get it , hunters and all that . What I think is important is just to understand all this . I'm not trying to make it right , wrong or indifferent .

What I am saying is what does love mean to you ? I think when we were younger , kev , love meant the hottest girl .

You know what's the definition of that and I think that's I don't know . I don't know if I ever loved anybody before . Tarot . I have a next level lesson .

I don't know you anymore because I'm always talking about relationships on CCP but I think that in early life , particularly in high school , when you're a fucking loser like I was it's significance based , like I was it's significance based it's you feel so insignificant and you feel you feel like you need significance .

So you're , you're clinging to that , so who can be the strongest or who can be the smartest or who can be the best at sports . And anytime you show a lick of emotion , your buddies are like oh you're , you're fucking insert toxic word here and anytime you .

I remember when I was in track and field I had shin splints because I grew like a foot a single year . So from sophomore year in high school to junior year , I basically grew a foot . I went from like five two to six , two it's crazy wild growth growth spurt . Finally hit puberty kind of .

And my , all my friends said I had baby syndrome because I , my shin splints were so bad that I would take track off . And they , they said I had baby syndrome because I , my shin splints were so bad that I would take track off . And they , they said , I had baby syndrome . They all , they all laugh very creative .

That's a very creative day for sure , and and that's just what guys do , and and so instead of saying hey , that's kind of mean and you're being a asshole , you just bury it and say , one fucking day , you know , one day , I'll show you baby syndrome , motherfucker , right .

And then you just get really driven and you get straight a's and maybe go to college it's not turned up the swearing .

I don't think true love is I need you I think that's romantic and I think that's dramatized in Hollywood and I think I need you . I can't you complete me all that stuff .

I think what is actually more accurate is the whole is greater than the sum of its parts , meaning I am a complete man and Emilia is a complete woman , and we are better together than we are apart and we don't need each other , but we do want each other . In the past , I was in a relationship out of need . I'm not in a relationship out of need anymore .

I'm in a relationship out of need anymore . I'm in a relationship out of want . I don't need to spend every day with Emilia . I fucking want to , whereas in the past there were times where I felt like it was more need-based than actually want , and I think that true abundance is not . I need Kevin , I need Emilia . I need Kevin to be a certain way .

No , it's . I want to business partners with kevin and I want to be married to emilia , and that's where we're headed . I I know I speak in the future as if it's already , but that we've already talked about .

The point is , if you're still in that needy place and your relationship is out of that scarce sort of oxygen , leaving the room , that can be really detrimental long term . Ever think like what if oxygen is stopped being ? I think about that all the time . That would not interstellar man , they , the oxygen was going and they had to leave the earth .

Have you seen interstellar ? No , probably not . Oh , my goodness man , I mean , I'm joking . I'm not trying to judge you , I just know you can judge me for my christopher nolan interstellar , I mean tit Titanic's the best movie ever made .

I think the goal is to evolve that and I think when we get stuck behind or we don't evolve and we don't grow and we don't do the inner work , that stays what we think we want forever , and I don't think that's necessarily

true .

So so I would say , if you don't know what love means to you , maybe a place to start is what did you feel like you needed the most ? And maybe that will be a string that you could pull and you'll get some answers from there . Because , at the end of the day , going back to alan's very beginning , the opening of this clarity is such an important component .

It's such an important component . That's why grow , jumping from one relationship to another relationship , to another relationship , is so dangerous , because you don't give yourself time to learn the lessons that you would have learned if you just sat by yourself for a while . And who knows , there's a , there's a ton of lessons .

So that would be my next level lesson . What is yours , sir ? yeah , we'll get you out of here because I can tell you how to pee yeah , I do .

What I wanted was someone with huge goals and dreams who was going to , through their own example , help me grow , and it's been a hell

of a journey . So , yeah , it's interesting . So who you start with isn't always what who you end with , and that doesn't mean for those of you who did meet your partner in high school or whatever it is you can grow together . You can grow together . You're either growing together or your part , and that's what we do over at Conscious Couples Podcast .

So my next level lesson is the whole is greater than the sum of its parts . If you have the right person and it's out of want and not just need , it doesn't mean you can't have some needs . It doesn't mean you can't meet each other's needs . It just can't be the only way you meet each other's needs

no-transcript .