This One Thing Guarantees Relationship Failure (2022)

It's fun to say that it looks really good in movies , but going to a counselor or a relationship therapist does not guarantee you and your partner are going to work , just like going and getting surgery does not guarantee that you are going to be healthy after , and I think that's just a very unfortunate truth that we all have to get to at some point .

I was editing a client's video the other day and they were talking about how , prior to one of their divorces prior to their divorce they've only been divorced once they had a therapist and they had a counselor and they were going every week and they were going every week and eventually the therapist said look , you guys can come every week and you can keep paying

me and you can keep sitting through these sessions , but fundamentally , you guys are just different people and , honestly , I think you want to go in different directions and you just haven't come to terms with that yet . And it was a really powerful story because one I don't think a lot of people have that level of experience and honesty .

This is an old this client's 69 years of age , so they have a lot of wisdom and they've had a lot of experience . But I think that's something that a lot of us don't want to look at .

We don't want to look at the fact that maybe the partner you're with right now is not the partner you're supposed to be , no matter how much work you put in , no matter how much effort you put in , no matter how much they support you , no matter how much you grow , whatever , it just might not be right Because there are things underneath the surface that just

aren't going to align . If you are diverting , if you're going in different directions and you both want to go in different directions , that relationship most likely is not going to succeed . I think what you'll hear a lot of people say is well , I had really big goals and my partner didn't want to come along for the ride .

I think that's a different conversation . I think there's a difference between not wanting to do it at all and going in the opposite direction and coming along for the ride . I think those are two very , very different things and obviously we can dive into that .

But I think this is one of those important things that we come to terms with and we admit you can do all the right things , you can do all the work , you can read all the books .

That does not guarantee your relationship will be successful , because there are just some people who are not supposed to be together , and all I mean by supposed to be together is there's somebody better out there for you that would meet your needs in a different way , that would support you in a different way , and that different way might be the way that you

actually want to be supported and you want to have your needs met .

I've often used this metaphor before . Imagine Emilia and I and this is a metaphor , so bear with me . We get in the car , we drive across the country . We're actually going to do a road trip at some point . I used to be in the car with you .

Okay , so we're going from Boston to Los Angeles . Five-day drive . You can stretch it to four if you are hardcore , like we were back in the day . Three routes Northern route , middle route , southern route , all right . Now imagine Emilia and I are going to drive across the country . She loves the warm weather and I want to see the mountains .

Core value in conflict , right Now . Let's imagine I want to listen to hardcore rap and she wants to listen to country music . And imagine I can't stand country music . Again , core value in conflict . One more let's say she wants to stop in Wyoming and see an elk .

Yeah , just a singular elk , just one , kevin's with me so far Yep , and I don't like elks , I'm scared of them . So she has a goal in conflict . She wants to see an elk . I don't want to . I want to see armadillos out in the desert or whatever . Yeah , again , metaphor here core beliefs , core values , core aspirations in conflict , goals and values .

I want to talk about goals and values . Kevin and I have similar goals and we have similar core values . There are certain things that our core values are in conflict and that's why he and I have to work and integrate those , emilia and I . She has a core value for adventure . I have a core value for fitness .

We both share it a little bit , but I don't care about adventure nearly as much as her . So we have to either go our separate ways , which I absolutely do not want to do , or we have to find a way to integrate some things you just can't integrate . I told Kev early on uh , probably early on 2025 .

I said , brother , I feel bad , I'm dragging you up this mountain . I need to make sure you want to climb this thing , because mount everest is fucking brutal and I just need to make sure that I feel guilty . I feel guilty that you have to work so goddamn much and you're like nah man but I said for me ,

this isn't a choice . I have to do this with or without you . I want to do it with you , but I need to make sure you want this and everything that comes with it . And so , again , the point here is do you and your intimate partner have goals in conflict or core values in conflict ? One of two things needs to happen .

Either number one you identify it and then integrate , like Emilia and I have . When that happened , I remember I had a list of 10 values when Emilia and I first met and adventure was on there and kev was like bullshit , bullshit .

Eventually it got to a point where I wasn't willing to do the work anymore to keep this person in my life , because I wanted to work on me and I wanted to work on my goals and my dreams , and it felt like that was me building a silo away from this other person and I had to leave that to go visit them .

And it was always super hard because this person was the type of person that wanted to support and they always would say well , if you ever need me , you ever need support , I got you . It's like I mean this with all the love in the world . There just isn't that much you can support me with , because we're just go .

We're in two very , very different areas of life and we have two very , very different experiences and you have things that I don't and a family that I don't in different ways , and I think the support you needed was in business and success .

This is amazing . Outside of that , I have nothing to show for anything we're doing and I just remember getting supported . But I could just tell it was like we were kind of speaking different languages and they just didn't understand the language that I was speaking and I wanted to learn this new language more than I wanted to have the other

one .

One of them was two and a half two we'll call it two and this one has been five and is by far the best , not close . This is the first time where it's yep , 100 , 100 .

This is like the most compatible thing I've ever had , and once you have compatible , you realize how incompatible the previous ones were and I'm very grateful that my trajectory went from decent to really good , to really bad , to ridiculously beyond my wildest dreams good . And one of the things that I'll make as clear as possible is Emilia .

When I first met her had larger goals than me On her own accord , and that was my prerequisite , and therefore I knew she'd have to be more driven . I knew she'd understand how hard I have to work . I mean I worked till 8 pm or later , all of last week , all of last week , and she has been nothing but supportive .

She literally said we're going to the lake this weekend . She said if you don't want to come , I totally understand . You have an event coming up , it's peak week . In the past that shit would have never flown . But she's an achiever , she gets it and so I feel seen , understood , valued and appreciated .

Just the other night she said I'm so proud of you , I'm so grateful for how hard you work for us , and she knows what that takes . And I never felt that way in the past , where it's like I don't know if anyone really fully understands what this takes unless they're also doing it .

And that goes for everything , right , I mean , if you , I remember when I did some plumbing , when our plumbing broke and her father came over and helped . It was fucking terrible and I was like this is fucking brutal . Kudos to the plumbers . Huh , I mean , this is , this is not good , this is not good . I don't . I don't want to do this at all .

And it was six hours and it was just nonstop and it's okay . Wow , I okay , wow . I'll never not respect plumbers and what they do . Everything's harder than I think you think , everything . I'm convinced of that . And what's my point ? My point is is from the outside , looking in ceo , start a company , build it , all that stuff , podcasting .

She's a podcaster who's building her own company . So she understands me , she understands what this takes , she , she respects what we do way more than someone off the street because she's she's trying to do it too . It's . It's a lot more than people realize .

And again , not making it about me , but for anyone out there watching or listening how seen , understood , valued and appreciated do you feel by your partner and how compatible are you really ? Because I can put in very minimal effort and my relationship flourishes .

In the past I used to put so much effort in to the point where kevin was like , dude , what the fuck are you doing ? At one point and it didn't matter . I could put in level 10 effort and I get no , it didn't make the relationship

any better .

We're different people and I think that's .

And she said what can I do ? And I said just give me grace , that's it . I don't need , I don't feel like I really need anything else because it's all in front of me . I can see it all . It's just a matter of I'm going to be in the office a lot and I don't . You know , dinner with pops probably isn't going to happen .

It's just going to be one of those weeks . That's cool . That's exactly what I need . I don't necessarily need someone to come with a bunch of solutions . I mean , I can come to you for that . That's one of the things that you and I have , which is wonderful . I think that's just an important piece of it is .

I think in the past it would have been way easier for me to say okay , if you're somebody who has a very big goal and you're with somebody who doesn't really care about it , that way , like they're not trying to change the world in a massive way , they're trying to change the world in their way and maybe your ambition is higher , it's going to require you to

work more . As long as you can meet in the middle with needs , I think you're okay , but that takes way more work .

Yeah , because inherently I can't think my way is the best way , just like the other person can't think their way is the best way , because all that's suggesting is I'm going to move more in that direction and they're going to move more in that direction . I don't think it is .

Anything more than that , I think , would get pretty rough . I was like , yeah , that's fair . Imagine being away half the month every month . Now things have changed and now everything's virtual , which is great . But the reason I wanted to know what is your requirement for lack of better phrasing , what is your desire for lack of better phrasing ?

Because I want to make sure that I can actually meet that Well , it's not even desire .

pretty early on .

I was thinking about this the other day . I remember again , I've made a lot of fucking mistakes . I remember this person would be at work and I would go over to their place early because it was like an hour drive . I was like I'll just go over there early and work and I would get high and I'd work . But it was like I thought this was so much different .

I thought being an entrepreneur was so much different . Being a business owner was was so much different so get high and work .

I don't know nearly as much about weed as people would probably think , but I think even at the time I knew a good amount about relationships , but I also knew that I didn't know enough and I also most likely was not going to make that work . That was the hard part is , I knew pretty quickly it wasn't going to work .

I communicated that very quickly and then this person wanted to continue spending time together Because , again , in the most mature way to express possible , we were both getting our needs met . That's what we were looking for . So I don't think I was Under any delusion that it was going to be a long term thing .

I just Hung on Because I was trying to get my needs met . Yeah ,

next level nation . We are very , very excited to announce that we are doing our first purely virtual next level live . On April 5th 2025 , from 10 am to 4 pm eastern standard time , alan and myself will be live streaming from Worcester , massachusetts . Next level live 2025 .

We do a hybrid model where we coach the couple and then we also coach the man , coaches the man . So I'm coaching the male and then she's coaching the female , and we've never had that with a same sex couple yet . But I would sit the man down , man to man , and talk about it and say you know , is this what you expected ?

Tell me the , tell me the stuff , what's going on . And what I would try to articulate is in the past I felt like I always had to make it work . With Emilia it already works , just don't fuck it up . That's the best way I can articulate it . That that relationship that I would consider very not good in the past , keep it anonymous .

It was always what do I have to do ? What do I have to do ? What do I have to do ? What do I have to do ? How can I make it work ? How can I make it work ? How can I make it work ? We can make it work . Yeah , we can make it work . I don't know we can make it work .

It was so much fucking effort to make it work , and then I would work on myself , work on myself , work on myself , and then it would actually get worse , not better , and I was like what the hell is going on here ? And eventually I realized , oh , maybe it's not me , maybe this is just an incompatible relationship .

So I used to try to make it work all the time , and now with Emilia , ever since I met her for five years , it already works .

You still have to work on yourself and you still have to treat your partner well , and you still have to show up on time and you still have to be available . She asked me recently . She texted me . She said hey , my parents are creating a new home gym . They need help moving the equipment . It's in June .

I was like she's like you don't have to do it , but I'm going to go there and help them and all this stuff , of course , yeah , let's do it . Okay , it's going to be probably three or four hours of my time . You have to put in effort , but it shouldn't feel like a fucking grind . And in the past , with that relationship , it felt like a fucking grind .

It felt like I this is the best way I can describe it I felt like I had to be different than who I really am in order to make it work , rather than logistics ?

How well are you getting your needs met ? Cool , let's have an opportunity for proactive feedback and proactive building together .

Awesome , not saying every week it's going to be tens across the board , right , not saying every week it's going to be tens across the board , but also , if every week it's a knock-down , drag-out fight , that probably ain't it either that there is construction , there is growth , there is opportunity , there is resistance , there's working through stuff .

In high school I was dating someone that I was in a very , very long-term , very serious relationship with and they had some a lot of shit happened to them and they ended up living with us because it was just a whole thing and they were talking about marriage one day and I made a joke of how I was never going to get married and my grandmother told me after

she said that's the day I knew you guys were going to break up and I was like what do you mean ? And she said that person deeply wants to get married and have a family and you just didn't . And I was like , oh okay , that person is now married with three kids or four kids that . Imagine if I had four kids , three kids right now .

None of this would work . So that was fundamentally misaligned . Great person , great person , very , very , very good .

We're going to start a family , and she's 30 and I'm 36 . So it's we're very statistically late , but that's all on purpose , it's all by design , and she always wanted to have kids way later too . So this is , this is by design , but anyways . So this person wanted to have kids ASAP , rocky , and they wanted to . They , they do now .

They have multiple children , they're married , they have a little house and all she ever wanted was that . And I remember when I found all that out cause I had reconnected with her years later and I remember thinking good for you , that was your dream and also there's no way you were going to get me to do that . Can you imagine on this entrepreneurial ride ?

No fucking chance . And again , I'm not trying to be unkind , but there's no way I was going to be able to do that Right , same , and I wish that I had known when I was younger . Just tell her that I wish I mean it must have been obvious . I mean I was literally talking in my teens and 20s about how my career won't even start till I'm 50 .

She must have had some red flags going right . I mean I'm this weird , esoteric , long-term guy who I don't know , I guess .

I don't think that was meant to be . And I don't mean meant to be spiritually necessarily , I mean meant to be in terms of compatibility , of who we really are . I know we got to jump soon , but I want to share this . In the early self-improvement personal development days , I used to think oh okay , I'm going to try to be different , I'm an extrovert .

Oh okay , I'm gonna try to be different , I'm an extrovert , I'm gonna try to be introverted . Okay , I'm an introvert , I'm gonna try to be extroverted . You did the same shit .

Of course you're like , oh , I'm gonna go try to be extroverted , and that is a terrible fucking idea now , the truth of the matter is is you can try to be an introvert who learns how to talk to people , but you , you're never going to change your essence , and I think that that's one thing that I've come to , coaching as many people as I have You're not

going to change your essence . You know how people say people don't change . Well , you can transform and you can evolve and you can grow and you can change a fucking a lot , but you're never going to change your essence . You're not going to change your essence . I'm never .

Can you imagine me coming to you being like you know , kev , I was really thinking about taking the summer off .

Yes , but in the beginning it was essentially it felt like I was changing completely from somebody who wasn't organized and had to become organized . And then that journey has has now it's eight years in . It's like I'm way more organized than I used to be , but you don't , you're still you're still comfortable in chaos and kind of a mess .

There's a whole backstory to this kevin and taryn dated and then I fucked , kevin fucked it up . I've done some stupid things , you know yeah , went off and then you guys reconnected after she had broken up with a partner and I could tell something was different . And this is when we were single as pringles and I asked you like how do you know ?

Because I was curious , like how do you know ? And you said I don't know , it's a feeling what are you talking about ?

I'm talking to a lot of people and I just don't feel like they understand me and I don't feel like they support what I'm doing . And I think they think the podcast is cute . When it's like I'm really putting a lot of effort into this and it's really deeply meaningful to Alan and I , they don't respect you . They don't yeah , put some respect on my name .

I said you know who would get me ? Tyra would get me she . She was deeper than I was when we first met . I couldn't hang . She was in a relationship . I was like , well , that's not gonna work . And then eventually , however many months or years later I don't know how long it was I saw that she was single one day and then I reached out what if ?

So I think , at the end of the day , tori Aletto the wonderful Tori Aletto , who we had in this podcast many times said relationships are about growth , relationships are about growth . Relationships are about growth and as long as you're growing intentionally in a similar direction , I think there's definitely possibility , there's opportunity .

You can work on stuff If you're growing apart and you want to be growing in that direction . I think that is the sign that this probably and I don't even think it's that sad I'm not . This isn't like a oh , you should be super sad . I'm glad that person got married young and had kids

young .

Because I remember for me , when I had ended my last relationship , I was asked on the drive home like really , you guys are great together . And I remember thinking , yeah , maybe compared to you guys .

It's , I don't have to choose , they're the same . She is my dream and it's in alignment . And , yes , I have to work on myself and be the best partner I can be , but I don't have to change who the fuck I am . If anything , here's the last thing I'll say Do you have to change who you are or do you just have to become a better version of who you are ?

In the past , I felt like I had to change who I was . Now I just have to be a better and better and better version of who I already am and who I aspire to be .

It's our first totally virtual live event . So we've done many events . I think this is the eighth year in a row we've had some sort of event . This is the first one that's totally virtual , because we want to make sure that , no matter where you are in the world , you can tune in . Tickets are only $47 .

This is an all-day event , but you can pop in and out . So if you buy a ticket , you get access to the replay . That means you don't have to stay for the whole time and you can kind of come and go as you please . That's really why we want to have a replay in the first place . So link will be in the show notes . The website has all the information .

Questions , comments , concerns Let us know .

I mean we've talked finance , we've talked how to buy a house . I mean we've gone through the whole thing . It's it's coaching . It's more about goals and dreams and building together and realigning your goals and dreams together than it is just about fixing the relationship . So it's really powerful .

We've been doing it for four years and we've got some couples that have really transformed their entire life and , yes , some couples that decided to go their separate ways too . Well , I think that's again .

All right , friends , as always , we love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you . Nlu , we don't have fans , we have family . We will talk to you all tomorrow .