¶ Intro / Opening
The consequence to telling me to get fucked is well , good luck with our working relationship , and why am I supposed to be working when Kev's not and again , anyone out there who's entitled ? If your boss comes to you and asks you to do something and you really value your job and your paycheck , you better not tell him or her to get fucked .
You need to be very humble in this .
I don't know . The one that I wanted to say was a boundary is a spotlight . A boundary literally highlights somebody's truth . So if I set a boundary with Alan and then Alan is a dick to me it's like wait , is that your true ? That's your true colors , that's who you are when you don't get your way with me . Welcome to Next Level University .
I'm your host , kevin Palmieri .
And I'm your co-host , Alan Lazarus .
At NLU , we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers .
Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life love health and wealth .
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Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University , where we help you level up your life , your love , your health and your wealth . Today for episode number 1984 , the Trouble with Boundaries .
So we actually tried to record this earlier Very rare that this happens but Alan's Wi-Fi was so bad that we were like let's just do it later , because we're going to have to piece it all together . Honestly , I can't hear what you're saying . So this is going to be a whole thing .
It's always weird when we do an episode for the second time , because I don't know if what I'm saying is for the first time in this episode or the second . It's a whole thing . But things have actually kind of changed since we planned on doing the episode . So there is I'm kidding , I had a small mental breakdown there .
If you were on YouTube , just watch Kevin's face . For that , go back .
I think I was slightly enraged too A bit of both . So there was a situation where we had to set a boundary and I took leadership on setting this boundary and I now think of it , and this is what we talked about in the previous episode , so I'll touch on it . I used to have a job that I fucking hated . I was literally having suicidal ideations .
That's how much this job was taking out of me . That's how much it was impacting my life . When I left the job , I had a little piece of me that , after I left , said I kind of miss it . I kind of miss it . Did I make the right decision ? Did I make ?
a mistake . Any chance you're willing to tell the story ? Where you didn't honor a boundary , you walk out to the car I'm out of here . Oh , I don't know if we have time I don't want to waste . It's the perfect boundary story .
¶ Struggling to enforce boundaries in business
You can't laugh . If you laugh , I'm turning it off .
You lock it up , you can't tell me what to do . It's a boundary for me . I might laugh , because it's just , it's straight out of a sitcom man .
So , no , I've told it so many times , I'll save it for the end . Okay , I'll save it for the end . If you stick around to the end of this episode , maybe I'll tell the story before that is another example , though relationships . How many times have you been in a relationship that you know wasn't serving its purpose ? It needs to end .
Something happens , the relationship ends , and then you just , for some reason , only play the highlights of the relationship in your head and you say , oh no , did I make a giant mistake , similar ? So I had the opportunity to set a boundary for something within the business . I started the process of setting the boundary .
Then I had the opportunity to complete the boundary . And there was a piece of me that was like ah no , I don't know I don't really want to bad . Yeah , it's not that bad . I don't really . I don't want to hurt this person Like I don't want this to be something that this person then takes with them for the rest of their lives .
Let's go deeper . What were you really afraid of ? You're afraid . I will speak for myself . I was afraid of character assassination .
That was a piece of it . Yeah , Villainization I was afraid this person was going to villainize me .
Yeah , and then poison people against us . It sucks man .
I was afraid of that because that has happened in the past , For sure To a pretty drastic degree . Unfortunately , I ended up going through with it and I found myself just like checking my messages over and over For like five to ten minutes after I'll be very honest Because I was like did they say something ? Did they say something ? Did they say something ?
And then after ten minutes , I was like , alright , cool On to the next thing . I'm good , but there's like a grace period where when you do it , you want to take it back .
After I sent a very vulnerable and direct audio message and I wanted to unsend it after I said it , I was like , eh , I probably can that , I'll probably take that back and pretend it never happened . So I think that's why boundaries are so hard , because one you have the moment of
¶ Fear of being villainized
is it ? really that bad though ? I mean , is it really that bad ? Is it really worth making us think about ? Should I really lean into this ? What if the person doesn't like me ? What if they don't like me more now that I set the boundary ?
Honestly , I think boundaries are one of those things that just kind of suck , and that's why they're so hard to do , just like dieting , just like getting up early , if that's something you struggle with . There are certain things that suck that might be requirements for where we want to go .
Emilia and I went on a walk this past Sunday into the woods . We have quarries near our house that are awesome and we were talking about positive and negative and I was thinking about how , how do you every single thing in life , everything , every person , place , thing or idea , everything ?
All of it has a positive and a negative , has a top of the iceberg , has a below the iceberg has a positive , the North Pole and the South Pole , the yin and the yang , the up and the down , and I was thinking to myself there was a person we were talking about in this walk and how sweet she was being , and I said to her it's so hard for me to
reconcile how sweet that is and how wonderful that is about that person . But there's some things about that person that are really quite fucking terrible and I don't know how to reconcile that . She said that's the trouble with emotions it's so hard to feel multiple emotions simultaneously and I don't know how to reconcile that .
She said that's the trouble with emotions it's so hard to feel multiple emotions simultaneously . Okay , working with me , working with Kevin , there's huge pros and there's some cons . There's a lot of positive and there's some negatives . Cons there's a lot of positive and there's some negatives . Every client there's a lot of positives and there's some negatives .
And so I think life comes down to learning who you are and learning what the positives and negatives are for you . So for Kevin and I , we're 35 and 36 , positives and negatives are for you . So for Kevin and I , we're 35 and 36 , respectfully , respectfully , respectively , whatever we're
¶ Recognizing entitlement Vs. Humility
35 and 36 . And at this stage in our life , we realize that entitlement is the thing we can't stand the most . Definitely and I said this at the end of a podcast I just cut off .
I said if you are humble and grateful and you have work ethic and you have a sincere , sincere desire to learn and grow towards your potential , to achieve your goals and dreams , you're going to love us . You're going to love Kev . You're going to love NLU . You're going to love me . It's going to be great . Let's do it . Come on over , dm me .
If you are entitled or arrogant on any level and you want huge rewards for minimal effort , you're going to fucking hate us . We're the ultimate try-hards . I didn't say that on the show , don't worry , but I basically said don't reach out under any circumstance . And the reason why is you're going to waste your time and ours .
We just figured out through massive pain who we work well with and who we don't . We're not for everybody . And this boundary thing to bring it back to boundaries . If everyone can assess the positives and negatives of every relationship in their life , some of the negatives just aren't worth it .
They're just not worth it . What do you mean ? What's an example ? Well , let's use .
Cigarettes are a good example . There is a benefit to smoking cigarettes . You breathe deeply , you look wicked cool , I'm kidding , you don't tell it .
Well , you used to . Yeah , you got a leather jacket on smoking a cig .
Yeah , you used to look really cool , used to get the girls I'm joking , no , but ultimately there is a benefit to everything we do . There's a benefit to eating pizza . I had pizza last night awesome , okay , huge benefit , love it . Great , it's awesome downside tons of calories , looking chubby . There's a benefit to eating pizza .
I had pizza last night Awesome , okay , huge benefit , love it . Great , it's awesome , downside Tons of calories . Looking chubby today Is what it is . Is it worth it ? So , if anyone out there has a relationship in their life and I'm thinking back to past relationships in hindsight , this version of me , it wasn't worth it . Me , it wasn't worth it .
It wasn't so . Many things I tolerated weren't worth it . I should have set boundaries . I should have left that person earlier .
¶ Assessing relationships: Is it worth it?
I really wasted a lot of time and effort on a relationship that was not for me , and that's what I'm hoping that everyone listening can do is have the courage to sail away , or have the courage to speak your truth or have the courage to set a boundary , because some people I'm thinking of a past partner of mine that I think is not great .
I really it was not a good relationship . I don't think she's that good of a person . I'm not a fan . That's my truth , and I have other partners that were actually wonderful . If anything , I wish I treated them better . So it's not just a salty thing . It's , and I'm sure there's other people that maybe don't mind that person as much as I do .
But it all comes down to standards . It all comes down to what you tolerate from yourself and others . It all comes down to self-worth and what you believe that you deserve . And if you grow up in an environment that's very abusive , you unconsciously will believe that you deserve to be treated like shit and disrespected because it's the Richter scale .
We did an episode on conscious couples about the richter scale . We did an episode on conscious couples about the richter scale . If you're born in california and there's a level two earthquake out of 10 , you might not even notice . If that happens in massachusetts , people are losing their minds just like happened recently .
There was a little one and everybody in the local facebook was like whoa , you feel that shit ?
like in california .
California would be like nobody would even bat an eye , just like down south .
It apparently snowed in texas and south carolina . Emilia's family has a place in south carolina and it snowed down there , and for us in new england that wouldn't even have been on the radar , it wouldn't even have made the news , it was just a little flurry .
But down there everyone was losing their mind because that's not what they're used to , and so when you grow up in an environment where you're used to level 10 earthquakes , you're not going to notice a four . And so you might be in a terrible relationship or a terrible friendship and not notice it because you're so used to being treated like shit .
And in the past I would go back and talk to younger Alan and say dude , dude , I know this feels okay , it's not okay .
And he really helped me with that . I think the hard part about all this is you have to figure out what's worth setting boundaries for too . Yeah , there are certain conversations with certain people that I just it's not worth me having . It's just not worth it . It's not worth maybe I don't see them often enough , or it's just not worth it . It depends .
It depends on what it is . This situation involved more people than just me . Super helpful for me to get out of my comfort zone , to set a boundary . For sure , I wanted to do it from a place of self-worth . I thought it would help my self-worth and I definitely feel like it did . Now again , is it a drastic increase ? No , but I felt different after .
I was like , okay , that's a muscle that I haven't flexed , there's something to that . So that was something . So I just think but it has to be worth it . If it's not worth it , set the boundary . And I don't know , I don't know how you figure out whether or not it's worth it , because in the short run it probably doesn't feel like it is , but in the long
¶ Balancing firm boundaries without overreacting
run , I think the only way to really know that is just to practice it .
Well , the question becomes if there's someone you love who is being treated the way you're being treated . Would you stick up for them ? I think that's a good . I think that's a really good frame of . If someone treated Emilia the way that I'm being treated , I would stick up for her immediately . So why don't ? I believe I'm worth that ?
I think that's a good , I do too and maybe that's the extra necessity is okay . Maybe right now you're struggling . Let's say let's use an example . We'll use a concrete example .
Let's say , hypothetically , you work at a company and you're I mean , this is a tough one because there's layers to it , but you work from home and your boss is always having you or asking you to do things while you're off the clock , and that's not your contract , that's not what you signed up for and you shouldn't be doing it .
You're being mistreated . Ultimately , you're being mistreated .
Yeah , instead of you just saying , well , I don't really want . I mean , it's not really fair to me and that's not really what I signed up for and that's not in the contract . What about the fact that it's taking away from your family ? What about the fact that you're not as present of a partner ? What about the fact that you're not as present of a parent ?
That might be a little extra necessity . Now here's the dangerous part of that . You also might do something reckless and lose your freaking job . Yeah , something reckless and lose your freaking job . Yeah , and then that affects your family even more , at least in this example . So it is . It's like how do we set boundaries without over swinging ?
How do we do the thing that is not natural to us without having to have the ego or the self-deprecation to do it ? I think that's why it's so . I think that's why it's so hard , because you want to do it from a centered place . What are you fucking laughing about ?
I just had this moment of . One of the reasons why I think some people struggle with boundaries is because they don't want to be entitled 100 . So I just had this image popping in my head of me reach out . I reach out to Kev and hey , man , I really need help on this . This and this for NLU .
And it's well , you know , it is 11 o'clock on a Saturday , get fucked , you know . And it's like , well , you are a 50-50 business partner .
I wish I could do that .
At what point is that entitled , right and there's consequences to every boundary .
¶ Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy:
Hello , hello , hello NLU listener , thank you , as always , for listening to Next Level University . Real quick , I just want to jump in and let you know about the Next Level Dreamliner . This is a journal that I use every single day . Achieve your dreams 90 days at a time . It breaks down your dreams into goals , milestones and daily habits .
Dreams into goals , milestones and daily habits . We hope you enjoy it . The link will be in the show notes . The consequence to telling me to get fucked is well , good luck with our working relationship and why am I supposed to be working when kev's not and again anyone out there who's entitled ?
if your boss comes to you and asks you to do something and you really value your job and your paycheck , you better not tell him or her to get fucked .
Yeah , and if you do .
And again , obviously you wouldn't say get fucked . But you need to be very humble in this because you want to . Okay , your landlord's not available . Well , do you have another place available ?
Well , that's why I think it's so hard . This is why it's so important .
Yeah , because usually I think You've got to put yourself in a position of being the chess player instead of the chess piece .
Yeah , you , I think what tends to happen is it crosses a certain chasm and then you're ready to set the boundary , but you're ready to set it from a place of anger , not balance , and that I think that's a dangerous I mean , how many times has that happened in a relationship ? That's like one of the biggest ruptures in relationships .
Something happens and you don't set a boundary yeah , maybe next time and then it happens , and it happens , and it happens , and it happens , and then eventually you set such a hard , hard , toxic boundary that it breaks the relationship , because now you have to put up plywood and screw it and put a , an anvil behind it , and then put concrete up , then build
another wall , when in the beginning the boundary would have just been like hey , can we pause for a second ? Those are two drastically different conversations .
So , yeah , I think you're probably potentially going to experience , uh , potential regret yeah , when you're feeling high and you're feeling real good and you come in hot and you're like you know what ? You know what ? I have been wanting to tell you this for years and the next day you're like alone . Oh my god , I'm so sorry . Please don't leave . It is .
It's . It's very hard to find five . We call it the drive to five . Zero to ten . Zero is you have no boundaries whatsoever , no self-worth . You're being walked on constantly . Ten is you're entitled and telling your boss to get after when they're paying your bills . Like you , you need to stay at .
It's very important to stay at five , and five's hard to find when you grow up in zero or in 10 , right , I mean , let's be honest , there are some people with straight-up spoiled brat syndrome . For sure it's insane to me . Well , it wasn't quite toasted as well as I wanted . I can't even Like you're lucky to have food .
¶ Self-worth and breaking toxic cycles
What happened to you ? Like something happened to you . This is not okay and it makes sense , right ? If I grew up in an environment where the entitlement was beaten out of me metaphorically , maybe literally , and I'm with someone else who just multi-millions without any effort , it never was going to work and I think that we weren't at five .
And so what Kevin and I wanted to share , we've got to go here because I've got to be on a call . Oh shit , ultimately I would have just kept going Because we're in flow . And so what Kevin and I wanted to share , we got to go here because I got to be on a call .
But ultimately we're in flow . Yeah , we're just going .
There was three things we wanted to make sure that we brought across . There was a really awesome quote that we heard at a meetup in Arizona .
Sure .
Yeah , I'm forgetting the name Lauren Lauren yes , lauren Johnson , lauren Johnson . Lauren Johnson . Yeah , she had a quote . She said the people who get the most upset when you set a boundary are the very people who are benefiting from you not having a boundary .
Okay , what were the other two ? I don't know . You were saying this when we got off before . I don't know . The one that I wanted to say was a boundary is a spotlight . A boundary literally highlights somebody's truth . So if I set a boundary with Alan and then Alan is a dick to me , it's like wait , is that your true ? That's your , yeah .
I think that's who someone really is you , yeah you gotta see who someone is when they're , when they're down and out .
Well that's this is one of the ways when you don't get what the person doesn't get , what they want from you and you set a boundary and they change up completely and that speaks to Lauren's quote like they benefited from you not having boundaries and now that you don't have that boundary anymore , they're not about it .
But I think one of the reasons we run from them is because that could potentially shift the reality of a relationship . If I set a boundary and Alan is completely different than he's been for the last eight years , I'm going to start questioning things .
Like , oh , as you should .
Is he taking advantage of me ? Am I going to have to kill him in his sleep ? A lot of Questions are going to come up . I don't know what the third one was .
The third one . I found it Emilia said it on a Conscious Couples podcast episode . I chat GPT boundaries . There's a lot here . We can't do this right now .
No .
But she said a boundary is honoring a core value . So if I have a core value of fitness I remember one time we were driving to the gym if I have a core value of fitness , I remember one time we were driving to the gym and after the gym I have a very . My pre and post gym routine is very important to me .
And she made a phone call in the car to her family on the way to the gym and I said , sweetheart , I understand no big deal , but I just want you to know it's kind of a ritualized routine for me .
I try to get in the zone before the gym and I'd really appreciate it if we weren't talking to my future in-laws right before I get into like kill the weights mode , cause for me that's going to war mode and I don't want that to leak on my future in-laws . And she was like , yeah , totally Awesome .
And then a couple of nights later she ended up doing it again out of habit . And then I I was like I think that's a boundary for me , go ahead again out of habit . And then I I was like I think that's a boundary for me , go ahead . I was gonna say what do you listen to on your way to the gym , dude anything that's extremely intense .
You ever seen the movie dune ? Never , there's , I don't know . There's a playlist . There's some intense drums and some hardcore shit that we listen to .
I listen to audiobooks .
It depends on the mood . Sometimes it's rap , sometimes it's rock . I love heavy rock . A little bit of screamo .
Sometimes A little bit of screamo Every now and then I got some shit for you . I got some shit for you . I've been turned on To some new stuff .
I got you New playlist called 2024 Bangers , and by new I mean , obviously , a month and a half old , since it's not 2025 .
Bangers A little bit better than the Alan's Melancholy playlist that I still got it Frequented on road trips . You know it I listen to audio books on the way to the gym .
Believe that , nice , my gym is two minutes away .
You want to play the comparison game ? My gym is four minutes away , so fuck you . How about that ?
Talk to me about how far away your gym is All right .
What's your quick takeaway before we get out of here ?
¶ The drive to five: Finding balance
Make sure you're at five with this . Are you entitled spoiled brat syndrome ? Or are you really low self-worth , used to being mistreated so you're just tolerating being treated unjustly all the time ? Okay ?
I love that . Mine would be . I think , like many things , boundaries get easier as you do them , and I think of it like there's two ways to do it . There's dip your toe in the cold water , realize how cold it is and say F that I'm not doing it , or there's jump in the pool .
I think sometimes , when it comes to boundaries , you have to feel the fear and do it anyway . Don't be toxic , don't over swing . But when it completes the cycle of I set a boundary , the person responded or didn't , and now that cycle's closed , I think it feels pretty good .
I have to say one last thing . Oh my goodness , go ahead . One of my clients , he's a YouTuber and he's like dude , I'm getting some hate on YouTube . I was like ah , here we go , Can we take a look ? We pull up share screen Boom , boom , boom he . I was like ah , here we go , Can we take a look ? We pull up share screen Boom , boom , boom .
He's doing three shorts a day Crushing .
Two long forms . It's a great way to get hate right there .
Four long forms a month , one long form a week and three shorts a day . Sicko , love it . You know who you are . We pull it up and he's talking about the 80-20 principle and comments what muscle .
Oh yeah , tough , that is a burn yeah , that's a tough one and I'm saying I'm saying , dude , you gotta say something , because this person is low on the , so he needs to build his self-worth and his courage . I said you don't have to attack back , but you gotta say something . And he's like what would five be ?
And I said very mature period , or that seems like this comment is obviously a great use of your time . You gotta say something . You don't have to throw stones back , but you have to shield , bump it a little bit , and the old me wouldn't have my .
The old me would have been like I'll show you one day , I'm just gonna work harder maybe I'll do six short today 20 years . Yeah , and that's just a mistake . So at the end of the day and by the way he comments , they comment back on his comment . Now the algorithm pushes it , he's more likely to win that's fair it's all good , baby .
The point is is just don't be disrespected , but also disrespecting other people for disrespecting you and An eye for an eye , we all go blind , so don't over swing but make sure you shield bump a little bit .
I think that's a good perspective . I would say , maybe throw the same rock back in a different way . Maybe If you're going to give me 10 , I might give you 6 . I'm going to use the same rock , just different . I'm going to deploy it differently . That's kind of my thought . What would you have said ? I'm jacked .
So I would be like anytime , if you want to DM me , you can come to the gym with me Anytime , I'll put you through a workout I was ready to throw in .
No , no , no , Not that Shit . You know me . Here's my address I hate negative comments .
I can't stand it . But if it was , yeah , I hate it . I so I , real quick , before we go , we have , uh , we have clients on youtube that I think they have like 70 as of today , like 71 000 subscribers and I have access to all the back end stuff .
What I've been doing is I've been going through their comments to see what it's like and how much hate they get . It's helping me tremendously nice . Yeah , it's helping me tremendously nice . Yeah , it's helping me tremendously for me it's .
I can't imagine wasting my time sending hate comments . What a giant waste of time but
¶ How to stand up for yourself maturely
to your point .
I think you you do from a . It's not about getting even , it's not about healing the ego , it's about self-worship , honoring yourself yeah , it's honor , it's standing up , stand up . You gotta stand up for yourself . Yeah , you gotta you , and that's what but ?
but that's why I said oh , this comment seems like a great use of your time it's kind of a little dig of why are you ? What are you wasting ? Oh , then don't watch . Yeah , right , oh , I'm sure you're jacked anything that's probably a little over swing , but it's very important To do it in a mature way .
I like the . I like the . Let me know when your , when your YouTube channel Is live so I can check out your content . I like that . It's like Alright , you want to Bitch about my stuff , go make your own and make it better . If you can do that , that's I like that . Say that because I'm a fucking coward . All right , by the way what are the chances ?
what are the chances that person saying what muscle is jacked , uh slim to ? None yeah slim to none , yeah , compliments only uh flow down , hate only flows up .
That's a really important thing to understand , okay , yeah and again , not on a bumper sticker most of the time . Yeah , that right , there is a bumper sticker worthy we should do an episode on it . We need to talk about money transform pain into health , wealth , life and love drive . If it's up to me , we talk about in , just let's talk about money .
We gotta talk about money . I'm game I know you are , I know you are . We gotta figure out exactly what I'm really going through it internally . I want to talk about a bunch of different stuff . This episode is a little bit longer , which is good . I thought we were going to be 20 minutes .
We're working on a lot of stuff behind the scenes to obviously improve the show always and forever . Just want everybody to know that Next Level Live 2025 . April 5th 2025 . All day event , totally virtual . Tickets are only $47 . You get access to the replay . There's going to be breakout sessions . It's going to be awesome , we promise .
If you are looking for a deeper dive into next levelness , when that means health , wealth , life and love if you have a business a lot of different things Alan can help you with . He still has coaching slots available , so we'll have his link in the show notes .
And if you're a podcaster who is looking to take your podcast to the next level , we produce 57 podcasts , including this one and Alan and Amelia's and a bunch of other ones . So if you're looking for help in that realm , just reach out . I'm always happy to answer any questions you have about podcasting .
I'm not going to say , hey , you need to pay me for these answers . I want to add value , so follow us on social media . Follow us on social media . All that happy jazz as always
¶ Outro
. We love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you at NLU . We do not have fans , we have family . We'll talk to you all tomorrow .
Stick up for yourself Next .
Level Nation . Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University . We love connecting with the Next Level family .
We mean it when we say family . If you ever need anything , please reach out to us directly . Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes .
Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow .