How Bad Do You ACTUALLY Want It? - Freestyle Friday (2013)

Their actions don't suggest that they actually do and their actions don't suggest that they actually do and their actions don't suggest that they're ever going to get it , and it just I don't know . It was one of those . You and I have been having a lot of talks internal , external , social world , real world .

We've been having a lot of those talks , especially probably the last six months , and I just think if we had that perspective more who knows we would probably do more , we would probably be more productive or we would be more courageous or whatever it is . If you had an audience of people watching you all the time , you would live your life completely differently .

Now , would it be healthy ? I'm not saying it would be , but I think that's a cool perspective .

It's noon , the campus , they're playing bags on the quad . I mean this is my old stomping grounds . This is my old stomping grounds . This is I'm getting the college vibes . We're hanging out Skipping

class . And I had two versions of me . One was you know , it'd be really nice to go into the dining common , get a nice coffee , maybe eat some lunch , maybe I'll stop at Panera on the way home .

And then I look at my calendar and there's this metaphor of the good wolf and the bad wolf , and they're always fighting and which one wins is the one that you feed . Now again , disclaimer . This is going to sound really hardcore , but this is kind of how my highest self talks to me . Alan , don't you fucking dare ? You know what you're supposed to do .

Get your ass home , get in your office and finish your calendar strong . Finish your day strong . If you didn't have a call , would you have done it ? No , of course not . I would have gone home to my office and done what I know I'm supposed to do Now and again my highest self plus human self . That was the whole thing .

And , by the way , that's another little side tangent I've been talking a lot about with that with my clients . Your highest self knows what you're supposed to do . Your human self wants to eat pizza and ice cream . I'm not saying the human self is wrong . You've got to indulge the human self every now and then .

You are human but you can't let it win all the time . You've got to be real , real careful with that . If your goals are aligned with your calling your highest self , your best self , best version of you . Then you got to follow through .

I had a bunch of stuff on my calendar coaching , training , podcasting and I knew the right answer . I knew I'm on campus , everyone else is hanging out . I knew I had to get my ass in that car , drive home and work . And the truth is and I need to say this explicitly that is why we are more successful . That is the sole reason .

Actually , that is the main reason , like . If I were to point to one thing . It's that it's my actions are oriented very strategically around my most important goals , and if that wasn't the case , we would not have gotten to where we are . And I do love my life and we have the dream , we live the dream and it's great .

We're living , living our dreams , living out our dreams , and moments like that blow , and that's okay . They're supposed to blow . You can't have something for nothing . Something for nothing is dumb , it's not real , and anyone who's trying to convince you it is is wrong .

You are either building towards your goals and dreams or you're not .

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Second one is wait for it , wait for it . Oh my God , I'm going to forget , I know , know .

So we figured out the top leverage points under each of those and made sure that those are happening , because , really , when you do learn how to feel good about yourself from an authentic place , you have more gas in the tank to like , grind your face off . Essentially , yeah , when Emilia and I aren't , well , this is my best example .

If Emilia and I weren't 10 out of 10 , we're 10 out of 10 right now . I was just in her office , just great . I feel like a million bucks . My relationship is great . I'm 10 out of 10 in love . Dude , I can check , I can tackle the world right now . That's great .

Now I gotta say humble because I'm gonna get smacked in the head with a brick here , but the truth is is when her and I aren't strong and I'm , you know , in shame of something , or or we have like a non 10 out of 10 in love moment , challenging moment . I have really hard time . I have a really hard time getting up and grinding .

Yeah , I understand , I do , yeah , and that's I think that our central nervous system is tied to whatever makes us feel safe and so , for example , if you and Taryn weren't good right now , you'd have a really hard time doing a good job on this episode

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It affects me more than it affects you . And so I've done this with several clients . I actually did it with three of my clients . Figure out the top three things that you tie your self-esteem to and , by the way , you're not going to like the answers . The answers are embarrassing . If I was a strong man , it doesn't matter what she thinks , you know it's .

Even if I , you know I'll be fine on my own . That's what macho bullshit is . What that is the truth is no way . I was a shell of myself before , emilia in comparison to now , and you need to understand what your needs are and you need to learn how to meet them constructively Now .

Yesterday , if I had fucked off all afternoon , that would be a destructive way to meet my needs .

So not getting to the point where I'm just sailing on that and staying on that and saying , yeah , you know what this is good . I'm content that can't happen .

Motivate you I'd say , now more than ever , you and I have some very specific goals that we've set this year that are have lit a fire under my butt , but , honestly , there's a goal under that , under that , under that .

Alan told me something and immediately I was like I don't know if I'm supposed to tell you this or not , I don't think you'd mind . Alan told me something and immediately I was like oh boy , word on the street is at some point You're going to have a car YouTube channel . And I was like , oh , my goodness , it's happening .

I just said that , like two weeks ago , it's already happening .

you .

It's like awesome that I can use that stuff . It's a drug .

This is where I live , right here . This is awesome . This is area day . This is academic , but anyway . So in certain settings you're really valued and then in other settings you're really not .

So if I don't drink , back when I used to drink , whenever I would go to a party where people were really valued drinking , I was very valued and then when I stopped drinking , I would be significantly less valued . It was just I was just a pain in the ass . It was like okay , so I'm wasted , you're not . I want to have a deep conversation .

They don't you ever play that really dumb game where there's a log in the center of the game and there's an axe , a hatchet , and you have to like it's a drinking game with a hatchet . No .

I used to party and I stopped partying and so all my friends used to party , still partied , and I would go to the parties . How many times can I say party in one sentence ? I went to this one party . This was a rager , I'm talking . This was the house that one of my friends got that . They , they ran amok at this house .

It was way in the woods , probably 40 minutes south of me , 50 minutes , and it was like a bonfire . Just I'm talking ragers every other weekend . It was wild . I don't know how the landlords allowed any of this , but anyways .

So in the garage , I get there and everybody's drunk and I got there late because I was going to the gym or whatever , and I'm not making this wrong because in the past I would have been right there .

But I get there and they're throwing a hatchet around in a circle at a , at a log , and it's a drinking game and you have to try to hit the a certain spot in order to win the game or whatever . I remember thinking this is fucking ridiculous . Like you guys , this is really dangerous , right , and I was like I think I should go .

If you're in a room of people who love personal development and you're really well developed , you'll be more valued , and I think that that's really important for everyone to understand and that's kind of a side tangent to what we're talking about I feel like this is like the ultimate freestyle friday .

The imagine somebody who is following you around would they believe in your goals as much as you believe in your goals , like that's a really good perspective , but it's hard to do a 30 minute episode on that . But I think it's a good concept . It's . It's so easy to say that you want it .

I used to say this not all the time , and maybe I've never said it publicly , who knows . Some people think about it , some people talk about it , some people act about it and some people are it and there's layers . I mean , I've talked to a lot of people who think about starting a business and business might not even be right for them .

I'm just saying as an example . I've talked to a lot of people who talk about it . Oh yeah , no , I could do that . I'm gonna do that . This is how I would do it . It's like awesome . Some people act about it and they pretend that there's something they're not . And then some people become it .

Some people are it , and I think when you are it and you're becoming it , that's when , if somebody was around you , they would be like holy shit , you're not messing around , like this is real , you're really in this , you're not just talking it . Yeah , I don't know , this is what I want to dedicate my life to that .

And if you're not , then maybe that's a sign . Maybe it's a sign it's time to pivot . Maybe it's a sign that you got to get your shit together . Maybe it's a sign that you don't love this as much as you thought . Those are all potential opportunities to go in a different direction .

I talk about this because it sounds really cool , but when I was training to fight mixed martial arts , I didn't want it bad enough . I just didn't , I didn't want it bad enough . I never would have been successful with the effort that I was putting . Do you know you didn't because I wanted to skip .

I would skip sessions and I think it to me it was cooler to talk about it than it was to do it . I enjoy doing it , but I enjoy talking about it that's more than doing it .

I have a trophy behind me . I won one of them and I I won my class and my overall . So I won the whole thing and that was a dream come true . I was really grateful . But I did three shows . The first one , I lost , got fifth . Second one , I got first and won the overall . And then third one I got fourth and lost pretty handedly .

And before the show , kevin said you're gonna fucking lose , and he wasn't being unkind , he was trying to help me understand that I was gonna lose this . That's sometimes how I feel when people's actions are not aligned with what I , what I'm aware it will take to succeed , and it's really hard to explain it Seriously .

You tried to tell me , but I believed I would win . I genuinely thought that I was lean enough to win , and then I got all the feedback and I was like , okay , I got fucking stomped . And then the time when I did win before it , you were like , yeah , you're going to crush everybody , and I did .

And I did win before it you were like , yeah , you're going to crush everybody , and I did . And I didn't even believe you . I was very humble . I was like I don't know man , I lost last time . So I got to .

I mean , we'll see right , and I did , I stomped everybody and now in hindsight it wasn't really that close of that whole thing is , when I meet someone or , for example , again back to the speech yesterday I can get a sense that they will or will not succeed . Now , anything can change .

So if they have a new mentor or a new coach or a life altering experience , like anything can change . You knew that I'd lose the show based on your statistical calculation , even if it was unconscious that I wasn't lean enough to win .

When you have high awareness and you meet people , you can tell whether or not they're going to succeed or not based on and this is a good question too that , I think , is really powerful , similar to yours if someone had a camera on you , something along the lines of what is it ? Again , someone had a camera on you . Do your actions align with your goals ?

And when I was with these kids yesterday , I was trying to think to myself , like , what do they need to hear so that they can understand that they're going to lose the show ? And I don't mean to be mean , but they're going to lose a bunch of shows . The question is , how many and for how long before they smarten up ?

And if I was 20 , what would I have been open to ? Or if Kevin was 20 , what would he have been open to ? And how could I show them that your dreams are possible ? But not unless you change X , y , z and so this hashtag , whatever it takes thing I had mentors , but I didn't want mentors . I had , I did work , but I didn't want to work .

And I think that there's this willingness piece to goals that I don't think people understand . So I get a new client . I just got one new . It'll be interesting . He's brand new , we'll see we're going to set up his goals , metrics , habits , skills and identity Goals , priorities , metrics , habits and skills .

And then I'm going to find out if he aligns with it and most likely he won't , because that's what people do and then he's going to , we're going to go to the drawing board and say , okay , well , here's your system , you didn't do it , why not ? And then there's internal blocks and I think that when it comes to goals , it's a mathematical equation .

It doesn't matter what you think or feel . You have to do it . Like what's a good example of this ? It doesn't matter if we want a podcast or not . If we want to succeed at the highest level , we have to podcast . It's better if we want to . It's better if we set ourselves up in a position where we actually enjoy it .

But ultimately , it doesn't matter whether or not kevin and I want to record today . We have to record today if we want the goal . If we don't want the goal , we don't have to fucking do anything . And I think that that's a very fundamentally misunderstood thing . I always ask myself willingness .

There are certain things that we could do to be more successful that I'm not willing to do . I've had to draw that line in the sand and I know we are less successful because I'm not willing to sell out or XYZ or network with this person or whatever . What is your willingness level ?

How willing are you to do the things that are hard and necessary to achieve your goals ? Because I think that it is arrogant like me before that show I lost to say I'm going to win but then simultaneously not do everything necessary to actually win .

You were posing at the gym and Matt and I were standing next to each other and we're like , oh no , like , brother , you're in trouble . Yeah , we're leaner than you right now and we're just dieting for fun like we're this is gonna be bad .

He was like dude , you just fucking stomped everyone . It was awesome , and he had done that the year before when I lost , so he knows what the feeling . And then the the last one . He was just trying to be kind because he knew I was fucked .

I don't really know , because we went all over the place Next time . Sometimes what I do and again this is it's a fine line , right , it's a fine line . But I'll imagine Alan's watching me . I'll imagine taryn is in the office watching me when I don't want to do something and it's like , just just do it man , just do it I .

I say I want it , I want it . I gotta prove to myself that I want it . So next time you have that little voice that says , yeah , I'm gonna go play bags on the quad and shotgun 15 beers not that alan's gonna do that , but maybe that's what I would have thought .

Alan had to flex that in order to go home and do his calls . I drove by Dunkin' Donuts today and I could taste it . I was like , oh my goodness . Yeah , yeah yeah , there's coffee at home and , honestly , it's better . The coffee at home is better , the experience just isn't , so that's mine .

That is the base problem of goals is that and I used to say this in my fitness coaching days I gave a speech about fitness at one of the events seven years ago coaching days I gave a speech about fitness at one of the events seven years ago and I said you can have a six pack or drink a six pack , never both , and obviously some people there's exceptions ,

I get it right . You and I had a six pack and when we were drinking . But ultimately you get to hang out and drink beers or you get to be ripped and shredded and in great shape . You don't get to be both types of guys or both types of girls . You just don't you . You can't be both .

You got to choose one and we all have that choice every single day . And it is . It's tough , like it's really hard to achieve goals . I'm convinced of that . Anyone who says otherwise is lying to you . It's goals are hard to achieve , especially now with all these distractions and all that kind of stuff .

If you have high goals , good for you , because if it was easy , everybody would achieve all their dreams , everyone would live on the beach , everyone would have a six pack Like . That's not the case , and the reason why is because it's brutal .

And the reason why is because in those moments of weakness of I want to play bags in the quad , you have to say you know what ?

I was doing it because I wanted to stay in shape . I see you .

right as always . We love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of tomorrow . Stay . Next level , next levelers . Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level .