¶ Intro / Opening
Everything has a formula , as Alan would say , and I know for the vast majority of my life , relationships , specifically intimate relationships , seem close to impossible . You say I was good at them . I wasn't that good at them . I didn't understand the three fundamentals that we're going to talk about today .
For sure , Most things are simple but not easy once you understand them , and it took me years and years and years and years and years to figure these out . But now that I've figured them out , we can really work on them and master them .
Welcome to Next Level University . I'm your host , kevin Palmieri , and I'm your co-host , alan Lazarus . At NLU , we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life love health and wealth .
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Next Level University , next Level Nation . Today , for episode number 2104 , three relationship fundamentals we all need to learn would fix me in many different ways . I assumed I wasn't good enough to attract another partner or sustain another relationship and I definitely had no idea the three fundamentals we're going to talk about today .
So I'm going to kick it to you , because you came with these and normally I would just steal them and write them off as my own , but today I'm feeling extra brave .
People know you're joking when you say that I don't know , but maybe I am , maybe I'm not .
It's up to you , it's up for interpretation .
Kev always says you're not allowed to say just joking . At the end of when you're joking I say , brother , I'm such a serious person I got to say that because otherwise people will think I actually mean it .
That's fair . Yeah , I'm more of a jokester for sure , true .
Even if I say it in a sarcastic tone , sometimes people aren't sure . Okay , I was on a podcast yesterday shout out to mike mike what's happening . He's in our fitness group and he has a podcast called the adaptive man and he interviewed me . And then he interviewed emilia .
And then he interviewed emilia and I in the new Conscious Couple studio which took us an entire Sunday to build . So it's looking good .
¶ What it means to be a conscious couple
And we got into conversations and the topic was what does it mean to be a conscious couple ? It means to get off autopilot . It means to look at your patterns individually and collectively . It means to identify where you're growing apart and where you're growing together .
And by the end of the interview we only had probably 40 minutes because it took us a long time to set up New studio , new setup . It was kind of a shit show and I said listen , I think I'm good to be able to say this , because I didn't understand relationships well .
I feel like growing up through high school and college , as I became an adult , I feel like I understood success and achievement fairly well , all things considered . And Kevin and I have been doing I've been doing this , kevin , I think , is going to start doing this I'm doing a Facebook memory of the day on my Instagram story lately and my Facebook story .
I'm doing a Facebook memory of the day on my Instagram story lately and my Facebook story and I'm looking back at some of the old content and some of the things that I used to say and that you used to say . It's been fun , but one thing that is fun and terrible . Yeah , some of the posts that I'm reading are cringeworthy , and some of them are .
These are really sound principles and this is long before ChatGPT . This is way back eight , nine sound principles and this is long before chat GPT . This is way back eight , nine years ago . And some of these things I'm reading are like yep , that's , that's very solid for success , but when it came to relationships , I never felt good at that at all .
So when it came to the inner game , I didn't understand what the hell I was doing . I've been coaching couples on and off for five years now not even on and off for five years straight . Actually . Some clients were on and off , but I said this to Mike and I said this to Amelia . I said because I didn't understand this stuff
¶ Red flags that ruin relationships
. There's a couple fundamentals that almost guarantee you can't win in a relationship . Let me explain . Kevin and I were playfully joking right before we hit record . I want you to imagine a partner who flies off the handle , can't handle their emotions at all . They fly off the handle , they yell , they scream , they flip out . Often .
They take no ownership and they never self-reflect and they never have vulnerable conversations . They aren't able to really go deep into how they're feeling and share things that they're scared to share , how could that person possibly be in a successful relationship ?
Unfortunately , statistically speaking , I think I just described a pretty solid percentage of men , depending on where you live . So in this episode it's the opposite . You only really have to master a couple things , and this is what I was saying to Mike on the show yesterday , and I actually asked Emilia live on the podcast .
I said what is it that men don't understand about women ? What don't we get ? And her answer was men think that women want this strong , tough , never get emotional guy , when in reality what she says is that's what high school girls want . Women actually want a wholesome man .
The problem is , when you and I were in high school , which guys got all the girls Badasses ? Was it exactly 100% of the ? How much ? What percentage of the time ? Every time , all ?
the time , every time there was .
Yeah , every time . And so the Pareto principle states that 80% of the women want 20% of the men and 80% of the men want 20% of the women , and this is why there's so much shame around success for men and status for men and body image for women , and there's a lot of data around all this .
But anyways and this obviously was an interview about couples , heterosexual couples in this case If you master these three fundamentals , you have your chances of succeeding in an intimate relationship . I'm getting really good these days at identifying who's going to win and who's going to lose in a couple areas health , wealth and love .
¶ Do you inspire each other?
I was a fitness coach for many years . Competitor fitness model . I can tell if you're on a good or negative trajectory in fitness . I can tell , myself included . I can tell which is a gift and a pain in the ass , and then love same deal .
I'm starting to get to that point where it's oh , cause Kev used to say they're not going to make it , and then , two years later , they wouldn't and I'd go . What were you looking for ? Cause I could tell that you could tell and I couldn't . So I needed to understand what you had , that I didn't , what .
What are you seeing that I'm not seeing and it's disrespect or entitlement , and I'll let you speak to that right now yeah , right .
The second I would say disrespect , entitlement , and any time a partner talks shit about their partner , what are the odds of that ? Imagine if every time somebody asked me something about you behind the scenes , I talked shit about you . Is this , you think this is going to work ? No , no way . There's no fucking chance . So that that is a .
That is a huge red flag . If you're with somebody and they're always talking negatively about their partner . A huge red flag if you're with somebody and they're always talking negatively about their partner . That's .
It suggests that they they either don't want to be with them , they have unresolved issues that have not been communicated , or they're just with them for ulterior motives any of those and a bunch of other things .
But I was on with someone I'll keep it anonymous . This was a couple weeks ago and she wanted to work with me . I said , listen , I'm not even sure I really want to work together and she was talking shit about her husband on the call and I remember thinking and she's like , yeah , he pays for everything . I'm like , wow , you kind of suck a little bit .
I kind of I feel bad for him , to be completely honest . Well , it says a lot . It says a lot about somebody else .
The way they speak about their partner . I can't hype Taryn up enough . I went to something recently , I went to a wake recently and when I got there they said , oh , taryn texted us and said the sweetest things . And I said that doesn't surprise me . She's unbelievably thoughtful . She's way more thoughtful than I am . She's way better at that than I am .
Nothing but positivity , right .
But I don't know , I don't really think I've ever talked trash about someone when I was in a relationship with them . I remember one time I was talking to you about something that I hadn't talked to you about yet and I was venting .
This was like years ago , and I remember right after that I was like , oh , I think that's the first time I've ever gone to kevin first about something that I need to talk to you about this right , and it wasn't talking trash by any means it was . It was just something I was going through . I was talking to another guy about it and I after that I was .
I gotta go talk to you about this immediately . But in but in the past I've had relationships and this is so wild to think about now where not only was I disrespected , but I think in hindsight there are certain partners that I actually didn't . They didn't inspire me . I never really realized that consciously , but in hindsight it's you didn't really inspire me .
Emilia inspires me , like with who she is on her own accord . Even if she wasn't my partner , I would aspire to be with someone like her . There are there are past relationships where I don't feel that way , for sure .
I told you there was a why the hell was I doing that ?
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Next level nation . What is happening ? If you've thought to yourself , I want to try coaching , but you don't really know where to start , group coaching would be a wonderful place for you . That's really why we created it in the first place . We start a new round every 90 days .
So if you're hearing this , go to the website nextleveluniversecom and we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now . Even if there's a group going on right now , you can still lock your spot for the next one . The biggest thing that we've seen is , as we get closer and closer to the date , unfortunately , some people end up missing .
The group fills up and they can't do it , and then they end up regretting that . So please head over to the website . The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there . There was a again .
It was like a situation ship , but it started as a relationship where I said it's very , it's very dangerous because this person does not expect anything of me and I can just show up , and I don't want that . I don't want to just be able to show up . I want to get better .
I want this person to have higher standards for me , so that's important because it's dangerous .
I'm doing Do they inspire you .
I would say their work ethic was inspirational . So it wasn't like a lack of inspiration , it was more a lack of accountability . There was no , no , no , I know .
But I'm just curious , yeah , selfish question of yeah , yeah , do they inspire you ?
Yeah , their work . They had next level work ethic . They were At the time . I think they were like in their . I think I was probably like 28 , no 20 . I don't know how old I was . I this is always hard Cause it's like I've been with Taryn for X amount of years . I don't know , but they were in their mid twenties . They had a really high income .
They worked really hard . That was inspirational to me .
I never and again , no one taught us this . So it is what it is , but I actually think one of the main indicators of whether or not a relationship will succeed is how much the partners are inspired by each other , like , how much do they inspire you with who they are ? That's because that's it yeah , it's almost like is your partner your hero ?
That's an interesting question . What ?
my partner , my hero my past partners .
Some of them were for sure , some of them definitely not , and it's like , wow , I really wish that that was my frame of reference . It wasn't , it was other stuff .
¶ Trust, phones, and digital boundaries
Another another good one yeah , a good measure is if you can leave your , if can you leave your phone with your partner and vice versa . Yeah , I know that's seem that's extreme , like you and I it's that's normal . That's extreme , like you and I . That's normal , that's extremely common . I'm telling you right now that is the measure , that is such a measure .
That is the measure .
Tara's using my phone before bed .
You and I know each other's password on our phone Same , same Right and I'll always say she'll say well , have to ask yeah ever , if I ever say no , that's bad , dangerous , good yeah I went to bed early one night and her and said hey , can I use your phone for something ? I said yeah , and she says you want me to ? What do you want me to do ?
I said whatever you do , whatever , just put on the charger before you come to bed . I get , I get nothing there's . There's nothing that is super rare brother .
That's super rare I . I've come to realize that coaching couples there's a lot there . There's a lot on the phone . The digital hygiene we call it digital monogamy . Digital monogamy is not a thing and that's . We were on the episode again . This is different than what we were intending on talking about . There's a lot of that lately no-transcript where it's .
You got to have these conversations up front about the digital hygiene stuff , like are you okay with this ? That's a really important conversation to have , because if you're four years in and all of a sudden it's like hey , I had no idea . Xyz , instagram , whatever porn you name it .
And so I told Amelia , I turned to her right in the middle of the interview and I said I'm so glad we had all those conversations early . And so I told Amelia , I turned to her right in the middle of the interview and I said I'm so glad we had all those conversations early .
We decided together to set the guidelines up for our own relationship so that there's no betrayal . You know Well , even like what's the word I'm looking for ? Not intended , just like received betrayal . That isn't Right . A betrayal is a definition . Yeah , yeah , there's a definition of that . That alan has that I have , that emilia has , that taryn has .
That might be different . And 100 liking somebody's half naked person on instagram might be betrayal to one person . It might not be to another person . I gave taryn my phone one time and she was like searching for something .
She's like there's a lot of girls with bikinis on your on your instagram and I said , babe , I'm telling a lot of girls in bikinis on every guy's , I was I said babe , I'm telling you , yeah , I literally go through and I mark those as do not show me and I swear they show me more .
I literally will open my phone on a video of somebody making pizza and just let it run over and over and over and over again because I want them to show me more pizza yeah , now I got a lot of my not interested , it's all , but it doesn't matter . Bikinis yeah , it's almost like oh you're , you are interested wait you are , though yeah , but that's it .
I think that's a really a really important thing , because where are you doing misaligned things ? Maybe not in person , but definitely if you are , it's if it's either in person or via the interwebs , and the via the interwebs , the window to that is your cell phone .
So if you are fucking around hiding your cell phone , you're most likely hiding other stuff too I know we gotta jump .
There was a client a few years back , maybe a year ago , and I didn't work with her for long for obvious reasons , but I could tell she was testing to see if I was happy in my relationship , but anyways . So back to the three key fundamentals here . It's back to what we said at the top of this episode , which is number one emotional regulation .
And this is what I said on the episode yesterday too .
¶ The three fundamentals of love
If you don't master these simple things , you're going to have a really hard time having a successful long-term relationship . Number one is can you regulate your own emotions when you're in a really , really negative state ? Halt , hungry , horny , angry , lonely , late and tired . Hungry , horny , angry , lonely , late and tired .
If you're any three or four of those at a time , it's going to be really hard for you to emotionally regulate and you're going to end up getting in a fight or something . So you got to take care of yourself .
If you don't take care of yourself , you're going to be in a bad state to be in a bad state you're in a bad state , you're going to ruin your relationship , okay , so that's number one . Number two ownership , the ability to self-reflect , and go , yeah , that's on me , fair , that's fair . Some people always point outward always terrible idea .
And then , and then some people only point inward also dangerous , right . So you gotta find five at that . Drive to five , zero to ten . And then the last one is vulnerable communication , sharing things you're scared to share . From the moment I met emilia five years ago , coming up on six , I think , yeah , coming up on six .
From the moment I met her almost six years ago , I have have those moments where it's I don't want to share that and then I go , oh fuck , I have to . Now , in my own head , it's if you don't share it , then you're going to take the coward's way out and that's going to bite you later .
Like you know that , those moments I'm talking about it comes up and you're like I could , those moments I'm talking about it comes up and you're like I could share , and then you're all the reasons not to share it come up . And then you , you have to . So vulnerable communication .
She gave me a vulnerable share two nights ago and it was so much better , so good , of course , all good , and she was making it this whole thing . No , we're good , all good , yeah , uh . But if you can't do that
¶ Why vulnerability is non-negotiable
, you just let that ride .
You're gonna be disconnected it's gonna it's coming for you eventually . It's coming . It's coming for you eventually .
It might not be this year , it might not be next year , it might not be five years .
It's there , it's . That's a seed that blossoms into something that you don't want . It blossoms into a shit plant . The weeds will take the garden , they will take the garden . That's probably a better way to say it than it's a shit plant . But but it can be a shit plan . All right , we gotta hop . You and I are both three minutes late for a call .
It's all good . Anything you want to say quickly before we go ?
dreamliner in the show notes 29 . It will make you far more productive . It's a daily journal that is sustainable strong work .
All right
¶ Outro
as always . We love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you . In an nluLU , we don't have fans , we have family .
We will talk to you all tomorrow , keep it next level , next Level Nation .
Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University . We love connecting with the Next .
Level family . We mean it when we say family . If you ever need anything , please reach out to us directly . Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes .
Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow .