#1632 - A Powerful Question I Wish I Started Asking Earlier

I wish I started asking earlier . So I was just at Allen's before this and I ended up leaving there at 7.15 and I had an hour and 15 minute ride home and before I left , allen said what episode are we going to do ? And I said I don't know , man , I have no idea . And he said well , on the ride home , try to think of something .

And I was trying pretty diligently to think of something and nothing was happening . I'm very tired . It's been a very , very long day . There wasn't much coming in , but I heard a song . A song came on the radio that reminded me of a time and I think it'll make a really good episode . Have you ever heard of the band Safety Suit ?

It's one of those bands where , if you said , name five songs , I couldn't , but if you played five songs , I could probably sing them all along . It's just one of those , just one of those bands . Well , I heard one of their songs on the ride home and it brought me back to this time where I'll never forget this . This was such a lonely , challenging moment .

At the time . I was working in some school because at the time I was doing my weatherization job and more often than not , we worked in schools . That just was where most of our jobs were .

So I was working in the school and we were putting weather stripping on one of these doors , these double doors that went outside , and I was listening to this band play and I was so distraught because I was kind of going through a breakup at the time .

This was like my second real serious relationship and I remember hearing the song , thinking this is the worst day ever , this is never going to get any better and this is going to be my life forever . And then five months later that issue was gone completely .

Also , another time I was in a school working , and this was when Tara and I had first kind of connected . And I remember I sent her another song because we would listen to music pretty often , and it was a very sad song about feeling like I was spending my life on the road and feeling like I was kind of wasting my life .

And she sent me a message and it was something along

the lines of don't get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life . And we have that somewhere in the house . I don't know where it is , but that's something that at the time seemed like it was just inconsequential and of very little importance . That is still important to this day , because that is now my wife , nice .

So this , the powerful question I wish I started asking earlier , was is this going to matter in five minutes ? Is this going to matter in five months ? Is this going to matter in five years ? Here's the challenging thing .

It's really hard to know when you ask the question , because oftentimes it's the thing that it's not going to matter in five years that feels like it's going to , and other times it's the thing that only feels like it's going to matter for five minutes , that who knows what happens .

You could very easily have a drink , get in the car to take a five minute ride and that five minutes could change the rest of your life . You never know you could spend something , or you could spend time doing something for five years and end up leaving it in five minutes , and then it might never come back to bite you in the butt .

Maybe it's a job , maybe it's a relationship . So , yes , I understand it's really challenging to do this , but when I'm looking back , a lot of the things that I thought were the end of the world . We always talk about how in high school and everything is Everything is the end of the world . I remember I had pit stains one time and somebody called me out .

They said , oh , look at your pit stains , and at the time it was the biggest thing ever of all time . That actually was something I dealt with for years . It might seem like a five minute thing . When you go to the next class it's not that big of a deal . I got prescription deodorant . I used to never wear gray shirts .

That is something that haunted me for years and years and years and years . So yeah , it's a question I wish I asked myself sooner . But I don't know if you really can until you have context of what matters to you .

But when you're spending $50,000 a year to go to school and you fail a class , that's like I don't know five grand , six grand , and on top of that picture the pressure of letting your family down . And when I went I had financial aid and scholarships , fortunately , but they were academic-based . And I remember when I would fail a test .

It was devastating , it was really really hard on me and I used to have to pull myself out of that and say is this really gonna matter that much in 10 years ? But here's the weird thing , and this is where the duality comes in it does matter a lot if you fail the class or if you fail out of school . So everything matters a ton and not at all .

It's like this weird thing , this episode

matters a lot because if we miss this episode we will miss our streak of 1600 and 30 . Imagine that it's like ah , we had a good run , 1600 and- .

But you also have to take things seriously . So it's that weird duality of everything matters but not everything matters equally , and bad things are not the end of the world , but good things also aren't like the end . All be all . You have a big month ? Okay , congratulations . Time to try to have another big month . You lose a game ?

No big deal , there's always next year . It's that weird duality of everything matters but nothing matters All wrapped into one and you have to decide for yourself what's gonna matter to you and Emilia and I . When we first got together , we went to a wedding . She was one of her friends had a wedding and it was in Newport .

It was beautiful and it was the first time I'd ever slow danced with her , so that was extra special and we had a blast . And there was this couple I've talked about and they did the thing on the dance floor that you've heard me talk about , kev , where they say if you've been together for a year , you know , stay on the dance floor .

Anyone less than a year , leave the dance floor . Okay , five years , and then 10 years , and then 15 years and 20 years . This one couple that was sitting next to us was out there for more than 30 . I wanna say it was 40 years , something like that .

And , of course , emilia and I were curious because they were a lot of fun , they seemed really in love , and if you're still in love after 40 years , you've got some advice for us . So Emilia asked you know what's the trick , what's the secret ? How did you guys do it ?

You know , as we aspired to that as well and the female in the relationship said everything that matters and nothing that doesn't . And that's been her and I mantra Wow , her and I's mantra for the last , coming up on five years , four and a half years In October it'll be five and everything that matters and nothing that does it .

But here's the thing what does matter , what feels like it matters in the moment , is damn , we didn't go to the gym tonight , we walked instead . That's such a big deal . It feels like a big deal

In the grand scheme of things . Is that gonna be that big a deal ? And so you have to decide for you , and this is where core values come in , which is you mentioned this episode is about . Is this gonna matter in five minutes ? Is this gonna matter in five days ? Is this gonna matter in five weeks ? Is this gonna matter in five months ?

Is this gonna matter in five years ? And if it's not gonna matter in five years , should you concern yourself with it ? The answer is yes and no , but to what level ? If it's gonna matter in five years , maybe it deserves your emotional and mental attention more . If it's not gonna matter in five minutes , make sure you don't get too down about it .

And then all of that is relative , based on your core values and your goals .

So Alan lives in the town that we grew up in and I was gonna be early today and I kinda wanted to drive around .

I wanted to drive around the town because there's certain places I haven't been in years and years and years At this point , not decades , but close , we're talking 15 years and I was driving around and when I got to Allen's I said it was so strange for me , driving by certain houses , knowing the people that grew up there , now looking back and realizing how much

trauma they had when they were younger , yeah , and those things that they might've said . Well , in five months , when I go off to college , this isn't gonna be affecting me anymore . That's a five year thing . That's a 50 year thing if you don't work through it .

So this is why it's super challenging , because , I don't know , maybe it's the external things that we think are gonna shape us forever only last for five minutes , and maybe it's the internal things that we think aren't gonna matter in five minutes that stick around for five years , and that's why it's so challenging . Good Well said .

But the internal stuff , that something that happened in five minutes one fight , one physical altercation , one screaming match , one really bad argument with your partner can last . You can regret that for a lifetime . How scary is that .

, but there's a relationship , and one of the people in the relationship came very close to what we call pressing the red button and just saying something in a relationship whether it's a friendship , an intimate relationship , a parent and child , whatever it is , business relationship , whatever it is but there are certain things that you just never say , because when you

say them , you cannot put the stuff back in the box . It's out forever . And then it's up to how much can we work through this together ? That might have seemed like it was a five minute thing . That is going to be a forever thing , and that is the heaviness of life . Unfortunately , that is why it's such a challenging thing .

This would be my next level nugget . Just start to try to practice this . At least be mindful of it . At least be mindful of am I ruminating on this ? Because I think this is gonna be a five month thing , when , really , if I just sat with it for five minutes , it might go away . And then here's this would be part two .

What happens to you either compounds or deflates , depending on what you do with what happens to you . Now , again , that's .

get a , you get a speeding , you get pulled over and you get a speeding ticket and you think it's gonna be the worst thing in the world . But it's not the end of the world , it's not gonna matter . In five months Is your insurance gonna go up ? Sure , but is it really that big of a deal ? What's gonna go up ? 20 bucks a month .

But I just think the awareness is important , the awareness is powerful , and if you started asking yourself , or maybe you started reflecting , that's where all this came from . For me , just listening to a song , I remember that day . That was one of the heaviest days ever .

It seemed like it was a day that was never gonna end and it seemed like it was a day that was gonna shape my life in so many different ways . When I'm working on this door listening to this sad music , just feeling so empty , just no motivations , depressed , and I yeah , it doesn't affect me

at all anymore , but meeting Taryn and then having her say don't get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life . That's something that is in our home currently . That was a text message I received from her , I don't even know how many years ago .

That is quite literally something in our home and that brought me back to a lot of our first initial conversations that didn't seem like they were gonna matter in five years , but now they're gonna matter forever . So that would be my next little nugget for this episode .

So you have to treat everything with its do attention . But that's challenging and I I Don't even know if I know what advice I would give on that , necessarily other than Asking the question . That's it . If you ask the question of is this gonna matter in five years and the answer is it might matter a lot , okay , give it more attention .

If it's , I probably won't matter at all . Give it less attention and try to focus your attention on things that are gonna be deeply meaningful . I mean , I didn't expect Everything that matters and nothing that doesn't to be our mantra five years later and so , yeah , it's really good contemplative episode .

And Just like those tests , dude , those tests didn't matter that much , honestly . Oh , I graduated with high distinction . No one cares .

You know , death of a loved one , really bad , unexpected injury One of one of the people I know was sitting at a stoplight doing nothing and a truck rammed into them and they had back problems for life . There's bad things happen , and so the first one is life happens to you . The second bucket of challenges , adversity . We'll call it adversity .

I think the first type of adversity happens to you . The second bucket of adversity Is the adversity that comes from Setting big goals that are deeply meaningful , and so , for example , the college thing , when I fail a test and I'm under all the pressure and I feel like this is the end and it's awful . How do you make that matter ?

And the only thing I've ever come up with went with both of those , and I've had a lot of both of those , so I'll just speak for myself here . But adversity number one is life throws adversity at you .

Father passed away at two when I was two , when he was 28 stepfather left at 14 Tons of others that I don't want to get into .

The second type is having big goals and the challenges that come with that , and so anyone who has life that has kind of stomped on them I know many of our listeners feel that way and people who have big goals I know many of our listeners feel that way Expect the life that comes from the experience , and so I know many of our listeners feel that way .

Expected adversity , adversity is expected . You and I had a hard day today , just a hard day , and the only . You used to say this all the time , kev .

You used to say it's only failure if this is the end , if this is the last fitness show you do or this is the last podcast episode you do , and if you get the last speech you give , then yeah , you failed . But if it's not , there's a way to make those painful moments matter .

You know there are some bullies growing up that were so Unbelievably poor or bad to me disrespectful . There's a , there's something I can do . If I let it drive me , I Can make it matter , and then the pain isn't just pain .

At least the pain got transformed or transferred into something great , something meaningful , and I that's all I've ever been able to think of whenever , you know , I lost my uncle . I was at his funeral

I Don't know how many months ago now , but I was sitting there in the church and it reminded me of it was , in many ways , my father's funeral 2.0 and I just was sitting there like how do we make , how do I make this , this life Matter more ? What ? What can we do with this ? What ? What can we do about this ?

And the answer always becomes live a more Magnificent life , try to try to live a more meaningful life . That's , that's all I could ever come up with . There's no , no one else , nothing else . When I , my dog died , got hit by a car at the top of the road . What do I do about this ? There's nothing you can do .

It happened and it sucks , and there's nothing about it that doesn't suck . There was nothing about that day that wasn't awful and for those of you who don't know the story , I have shared it in past episodes . My dog was in my arms , dead at the top of the road because I forgot to close the doggie door and there's nothing about that .

That doesn't absolutely suck . It was horrible . But what can I do now ? Like what now ? And all I've ever been able to come up with is Go live a more meaningful life , try to find a way to turn this pain into power , and that's it . And , and I think that's what we all can do .

And so , if it's not gonna matter in five minutes , don't let it haunt you , and if it is gonna matter in five minutes or five years , do something meaningful with it , because that's the only way all this junk , all this crap , all this pain and all this adversity is worth it .

It's the only way is if you find a way to make it bring you to a higher place , even if it's just being more grateful or being more driven , or being smarter , or being harder working or being more Virtuous , or making better choices

or whatever it is . So that's all , that's all I can ever do with adversity . I don't know what else to do with it , other than you either just sit there and let it crumble and crush you , or you say next test I'm gonna do better . Next time I'm gonna study more . Next time I'm gonna Surround myself with smarter people .

Next time I'm gonna cheat off my neighbor . I'm kidding . Next time I'm gonna XYZ , right . So there is a way . There's a way to make it matter , and I think it's just keep going and or pivot , learn the lesson and pivot .

Maybe it was the only way . It might have been law dude , it might have been law , I don't know why .

We try to do a giveaway every year , so we're going to raffle off three things . Maybe four things , I don't know , but we're going to raffle off at least three things Super excited . I'm going to be going , maybe this week , maybe this weekend , to do a little walkthrough of the venue , so I will make sure I get some content .

But I know a lot of us are struggling to connect with people that are also into growth , and this is a really , really , really good opportunity to do that , whether it's virtual or in person .

Very much to Alan's point , your growth is more in your control than you probably realize , and if you're thinking to yourself , I really wish I could meet more people and I really want to get to my own Next Level . This is a great opportunity to do it .

Don't regret not doing it , because this is something that definitely can matter in five months and it definitely can matter in five years . So Link will be in the show notes . We would love to see you there .

So if you're not around growth-minded people , if you're not around people trying to get to the Next Level , it's going to be very hard to stay motivated . One of the benefits of being in the NLU community is you're just around a lot of other motivated people . They track habits , they have goals , they set goals . It's very inspiring , so we hope you join us .

Also , there's 30 people in person and there's three things we're raffling off . So that's pretty good odds . That's 10% chance that you win A bit of a numbers guy over there . Huh , pretty good odds , pretty good odds .

We got the bigger , nicer room this time , but it'll be very nostalgic to go back there and I know there's going to be some people that were at the first event at this one , so that's going to be awesome . Tomorrow , for episode number 1,633 , what's your next unlock ?

When I got to Allen's today , I was talking about how I was driving around the town and I said when you move out of this town , I believe for you it's going to be a massive unlock . I don't know why . And he said I know I'm sure it's going to unlock something internally . No idea why , but every time I go it's like something more unlocks in me .

So I figured that would be a good episode to do . So we'll do that tomorrow . As always , we love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you , and at NLU we don't have fans , we have family . We will talk to you all tomorrow .