#1628 - Control = Confidence? - Freestyle Friday

I never got that . I never had that .

Today , for episode number 1628 , we're going to do , as previously spoken about , a freestyle Friday . My guess , alan , is I will never have the actual title of the episode to do live . It most likely will get added after we're finished . I'll add okay , what was the main point , and that'll become the episode title .

But Amy and I were talking about why self-awareness is one of the , if not the most important thing , and after I was thinking and just wondering , I'm going to talk about our freestyle Friday . What am I going through ? What am I learning All of that ? I believe one of the things that we're all struggling with is perceived lack of control .

One of the things that I feel more confident in now is my ability to succeed at things . I feel like I'm in more control of my future because I'm in more control of my ability to control the present , and I believe that's what we're all after .

I think we're all after the ability to control our reality 100% , but the hardest part of that is the only real way to get perceived lack of control is to go through the bouts of not , or to get through . It is to go through . It Is to understand there are certain things that you have control over .

There are certain things that you could have better control over , but you don't have the skills yet . Maybe hypothetically . There are some things that you have very little control over . But as you work on yourself and you evolve and you grow , I think that's really what confidence is .

A deep part of confidence is having the certainty that you know you can figure it out Absolutely . And if somebody was to say , kev , why are you more confident now than you were before ? It's not because of my results . I don't think that has anything to do with it . I think it . I won't say it doesn't have anything . It helps in the momentary bouts .

But when my back is up against the wall , the things that normally in the past would cause me to say I don't know how I'm going to get through this are now God , this really sucks , but I can do blank , blank , blank and blank , and that is a completely different world and I want that world for each and every one of you watching or listening .

But that that's kind of the direction I wanted to go in in terms of the thought I had . Again , I don't really want to have a direction for freestyle Friday . We'll see how it goes , but that . Have you ever had that ? Have you that ? That's part two . I think one of the reasons you're so confident is because you have perceived control of everything Kind of .

Most likely , as a small infant you shouldn't be . You can't control much of anything . It's called a locus of control if you study the literature . But how ? How do you increase your locus of control ? And there's a lot of answers to that question . One of them is skills .

So , for example , when Kevin and I first started this podcast , he was trying to manufacture certainty , and so was I , and if you were to listen to early episodes , you would sense ego , and by ego what I mean is insecurity built on our inabilities to know what the hell we're talking about .

When you develop really good skills like if you and I play basketball one-on-one , you're going to feel less in control than me because I've played longer , I'm taller , I'm better . If we were to grapple , I would feel less in control than you because you've done this before . So you have a better skill at grappling , I have a better skill at basketball .

And so , for the listeners , think about what you have high skills at and what you don't . We did a group coaching episode , a group coaching session , session five , with group 13 last night , and some people in that room had felt very in control of the financial future . Some of them didn't at all . And it all depends on your skill set , your skill .

I think earning money is a skill . Learning how to earn money is a skill . Do you understand it ? Do you know how to do it ? Do you know why to do it ? Do you have the skills that are monetizable , that are valuable in the marketplace , that kind of stuff . So skills is number one .

So that's , if you're very skillful and you've developed a lot of skills like leadership and effective communication and business and finance , you're going to feel more in control of your own future , and I think that's one of the reasons you feel more in control of your own future . I would say so the other one is relationships when you develop .

So I'll give you a perfect example . So , emilia , I think about this all the time because I used to be semi alone , even when I was in intimate relationships .

I always felt like I was more responsible for our future than they were , and one of the reasons why and I used to be bashful about this and I used to not want to share this because I was not only cowardly but afraid to be villainized , which I think is the same thing ultimately I just had higher skills and I was more marketable in the economy .

So our future , our financial future , our career and our careers and our future was more on my back than theirs , because whoever has higher self-belief , higher skills , higher capabilities , higher potential is actually the one who has to put the team on their back , so to speak .

So in this analogy , if you're the best basketball player on the court , the team is relying on you more than the bench players , and that makes sense , and that's why they're paid more , because you take on more responsibility and , technically , your responsibility that you take on is in direct proportion to your potential .

But here's the problem If you don't take on responsibility , you won't develop your potential . So it's this weird sort of cycle of I don't think I have high potential , I don't believe in myself , so I'm not going to take on more responsibility . Therefore I'm not going to develop my skills . Therefore I'm not going to learn .

Remember one time you said , alan , I don't understand how you know all this . And I said , kev , I had to know this . I had to know this in order to achieve my dreams . But I wouldn't have had those dreams if I didn't believe in myself , and I wouldn't have believed in myself unless I had developed up to that point .

So it's like this weird ladder that you climb and I think people get stuck because they feel so uncertain and out of control that they don't set goals . And what's ironic is that the only way to increase your locus of control is to set goals and then go fail forward until you learn how to get them .

And then , when you do get them , you self assign it and go look , what else can I do ? What else can I do ? What else can I do ? I mean getting one client . You got a client today . In the beginning that was like that would have changed your whole day . You would have celebrated for a whole week . And now you're like cool , awesome and it was good .

It was a moment , still celebrated , still important , but it's not life changing . It's not to the way that it used to be , because inside of you you know you can do that now .

And she went into hers and I said I think for me there's two thoughts . The more you try to run away from an insecurity or go around it , the worse it gets . I think that's one because you don't get to the root cause of actually dealing with it fixing the insecurity , whatever that means . I won't say fixing it , but coming to terms with whatever that means .

And the second one I said is I , for most of my life we'll say , excuse me . We'll say , physically I've been in shape pretty much my whole life and I think I've probably looked confident . I think if somebody saw me they'd probably say that kid is confident , he's a confident guy In the gym . If you , yeah , yeah , in the gym .

Or if you saw me at the beach without a shirt on or whatever right Stuff like that Stuff where you could see my physique particularly , I used to think you were way more confident than you really were , for sure . I think everybody did . I think everybody did . But what I said to Amy was I didn't realize how wildly insecure I was . I didn't , I didn't .

I thought everybody was that way . I thought everybody , I thought everybody had the same experience . I did where everybody thought you were different than you felt , and maybe that is the case , I don't know . With a lot of people I would say that's true , that's what I assumed , I assumed . Well , of course , I need to showcase the skills I have .

I was always the we have the running joke . I was always the guy , the second . If somebody spilled a drink at the party , my shirt was off before the thing even flipped over completely . I get it , I get it . I get it . I get it Because that's what that was the value I felt I could add . I was in good shape and I knew that people .

I didn't want to make people jealous or envious , but I knew that was something that was respected . That's pretty much all that was my calling card . That was my party trick . I'll just take my shirt off . It's going to be fine . Oh , we're going to a country concert . It's 48 degrees out Dump , dump the shirt off . Not a big deal .

Not that big of a deal , but the truth is . So what if you just showcase the things that you're most comfortable with , so you don't have to showcase any of the things you're uncomfortable with ?

But you might struggle with success and the economy and business and finance and all that stuff . And I wanted a coach and I needed a therapist . That's very clear in hindsight Because of course you want a coach when you already feel competent in your abilities to perform and to be capable in the economy and professional .

And I always think of it as professional development and personal development . And personal development is internal and professional development is external resume , cover letter , articulation , vocabulary , communication , all that stuff .

My screen shot it because I was like whoa , whoa , whoa , whoa . So this was a message I sent to my therapist .

If you're convinced of the value of mental health and therapists , you should get some coaches and mentors , because they're . Usually . It was way more uncomfortable for me to see a therapist than it was to coach with somebody .

the point . We all need to be ambidextrous , and what you wanted was what you needed . You'd already have it . I think that's , yeah , continue . What are you going to read us ?

As of right now , I'm working first shift Tuesday , so I can't do 1 PM . Do you have any later appointments , like 6 PM Blank , and I broke up on Monday . So this week has been very challenging and I want to make it a point to see you this week . Thanks .

At this point in my life I had it looked like I had everything and everything , and this is one of the times I was 100% struggling the most . 100% Go ahead .

I was just going to say just to , for context , the person that left me , the person that broke up with me , literally said I waited until after your bodybuilding show trigger warning because I was afraid if I left you during it you would have killed yourself .

Like she literally said that to me the day or the day , and it wasn't in a mean way , it wasn't like a you're terrible and it wasn't that , it was just more . That's how long I've been unhappy and I remember thinking like , ooh , what a tough spot , what a tough place to be for you to be in that position .

But it's just wild to look back and that was only nine years ago . Nine years , I mean it's a long time , but it's also not it doesn't feel like nine years the fact that I saw that it was 2014, . It was like , or maybe 10 years . Whatever I said , 2014 , 2015 .

We hope you enjoy it . The link will be in the show notes . I this is a little side tangent , but Emilia and I are we do relationship talks , events similar to monthly meetups every month . Luckily they're not on the same weeks because I would burn to the ground , but the next one is on the four , so your wife Terrin would know about this .

John Gottman had the four horsemen of relationships contempt , resentment , stolen walling . There's another one , but we're doing it . We're calling it the four relationship killers and we watched a movie called the breakup . You remember the breakup ? Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn yeah , that's the one . We came out in 2006 .

You and I were juniors in high school and I hadn't seen that movie in 18 years . It's a good movie . It was hilarious . But I'm so much more aware now , Whoa . I mean , they burnt that relationship right to the ground At the time , when you first saw it , did you side with Vince Vaughn ?

All of them done . They crushed , they destroyed the relationship right out of the gate and they had no idea that they did Again .

It's a movie , but when I first saw it back when I was 17 years old , I had no idea what was happening beneath the surface of this iceberg , so to speak , and they basically were in love and made every mistake you can possibly make in a relationship .

And yeah , when you were talking about 2014 , I was thinking about 18 years ago I didn't know what I was doing in an intimate relationship compared to what I do now . And going back to your locus of control , I never felt in control of success in my relationships . I always felt in control of success in my academics and in my career . I still do .

I still feel very in control of that . Like , obviously things happen and economy , all that . It's out of my control , but whether or not you and I succeed at this . I used to sound so arrogant , Like we're gonna have a really successful podcast , and people be like how do you know that ? Well , someone asked you . I just I know that we won't quit .

I know we'll get better . I know we'll add value . I used to say this to Kevin maybe this will end , but I used to say this all the time you can't add that much value to that many people for that long without eventually winning . That's not like a thing . The company that adds the most value ultimately wins .

And it's harder than I thought , for sure , but I'm just very confident in that . But I never felt confident in relationships . I didn't feel like I had control of it . You know , I didn't know what I was doing .

But not having a father has definitely been a unconscious win long term that I had never expected . When it comes to vulnerability , emotional intelligence , I went on one podcast . This dude couldn't cry if I . I mean , there's just no way he could ever cry . He was so unable to be vulnerable to a drastic extent .

He said I did , I did a bunch of research . He said , honestly , I thought you were going to be this like super alpha bodybuilding guy and he's like you were one of the most . I don't remember what it was like warm and gentle , and it was like I was crying my eyes out . I listened to the replay yesterday because he shared it with me Nice , same thing .

And I also had a moment and this was this was tough for me and I know we have to go . You have a call , but this was really tough for me .

I saw a dad playing with his kids and it hurt me and I haven't felt that in a long time . It hurt me . It was like number one . I was like I really hope he's a good dad . That was my initial thought . It's like oh , that's cool , like good for them . I really hope he's a good dad . But then there was that little piece of me that was like Ah F .

I never got that .

I love fishing , I want to fish , I love to fish and I still do . I always have more than I even thought to . I miss it . You and I used to fish all the time . No , all we do is business , but I didn't realize how much that affected me either . But on the other side of that , I know that I'm different than a lot of guys who do have dads .

I just don't know if I fully get why , but there's definitely a , and a lot of the women in my life have said that , and most of the NLU team is incredible women and they've said that it's a different energy about you and I being on this team . It's like a different energy . I don't know what that means yet .

So that's another same again , another conversation . But I know that you and I I knew this intuitively . There's no way . Two things you and I would never be business partners if one you had any entitlement whatsoever and if you didn't grow up in adverse , challenging circumstances .

So if you grew up with a silver spoon , I knew no way this would never work , especially the first few years when we made no money . The second thing is I knew that one of the reasons this works is that we both didn't have dads For sure , and I still think that's something that I'll contemplate , probably forever .

But and I didn't get along with my stepdad you had hate for your dad for leaving and all that stuff , and there's definitely something , and we both I was raised by my older sister , my mom , kevin was raised by his mom and his mima and which is his grandma .

There's something to that that shapes you differently than someone who does have maybe that male patriarchal figure .

They were in somewhere in the Middle East and one of the characters , who is a he's a very intelligent former Marine , like genius , was kind of judging the occupation of another gentleman who was kind of like into prostitution . And he was judging that . And the guy said well , who knows , in another world I might have ended up like you .

You have to understand that geography is destiny . And I said that to Tyrone . I said isn't it weird how , if I was born in California , I wouldn't know you or I wouldn't know Alan , I wouldn't be doing probably any of the things I'm doing . And she's like well , you could have met Alan .

I said , yeah , I could have , but I couldn't have gone to middle school with him like I did . And I couldn't have gone to high school with him like I did . I couldn't have played spin the bottle in middle school with him and the popular girls there were girls there too , popular girls .

I couldn't have done that and I said , babe , the only reason I know you is because when I lived in New Hampshire the first time and I was on whatever app I was on you were close enough for me to see you .

And that's definitely a whole nother conversation . What a strange episode . I liked it . What did you think of it ? Strong to semi-strong , I enjoyed this very much Same .

I'm actually going I don't know when over the next couple of weeks I'll get some content , so I'll share that next level nation . But if you're a local to Massachusetts , we'd love to see you .

It's an awesome opportunity to meet other people and if you wanna talk about getting a little kick in the butt , getting outside of your comfort zone , an event like this is a great way to do it . Also , the virtual side of things you'll have an opportunity to meet other people . There'll be breakout sessions , so Link will be in the show notes .

We would absolutely love to have you Tomorrow for episode number 1000 , 629 . Did we already do this ? Could you be overwhelmed because you're not doing enough ?

I had a moment today , alan , where I was like the last thing in the world I wanted to do was go to the gym , cause I'm just like exhausted and I'm tired , and when I got back from the gym I was like that actually probably created less overwhelm than anything else I could possibly do . So sometimes less isn't better . So I wanna do an episode on that .

As always , we love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you , and at NLU we don't have fans , we have family . We will talk to you all tomorrow .