#1621 - Does Fulfillment Require Struggle?

Today , for episode number 1621 , does fulfillment require struggle ? Yes , and that's all . We hope you enjoyed today's episode and we will talk to you later . You have a framework that I don't think I had any part in .

Unfortunately , my name is not attached to it , which sucks for me , but it's the Joy , happiness , fulfillment Framework , and when we think about happiness , usually happiness is kind of a result-based thing . So I will have this donut and I will be happy . I used to .

Alan and I were walking out of the studio one time and we were in very giggly , jokey moods and I said , of course , of course , smoking weed and watching porn are hard to quit . They make me super happy , not fulfilled , not joyous Well , maybe joyous in the moment , but I get the dopamine hit . It makes me happy .

It's a good feeling for a very , very , very , very short period of time Very short . Yeah , happiness is a very quick-burning fuel . If you want to get to your goals and your dreams and you're a dream chaser and you want to get to whatever that is for you , happiness is stuff that it gives you a little burst of energy .

But usually you feel I don't want to say you feel worse after , because I'm sure there are things going on a walk with your partner or seeing a movie you love might make you happy . So I'm not saying happiness is bad , but what I wanted to talk about today was the fact that some of the things that are the most challenging are also the most fulfilling .

I mentioned this in yesterday's episode or the episode before . I didn't want to go to Jiu Jitsu . I just didn't want to do it . I was nervous . I've been out for a couple of months , I don't know Let me insert an excuse here why I'm not going to go but I was super fulfilled after . I think for a lot of us , fulfillment comes in reflection .

Joy , I think , is in the moment , joy , I'm enjoying this . I think happiness is usually kind of in the moment and then for a very short period of reflection and it usually goes away .

I think fulfillment is almost always a long burn in reflection , but at least for me , most of the time that I am the most fulfilled , it's usually when I've overcome something a hard day , a hard workout , a tough interview , something . I've overcome something .

But I said to Alan before this when I said this to Taren recently Taren's family has a house in Vermont I said I'm so excited to go back to Vermont . I always feel so fulfilled there . We wake up . I usually get up early , I walk down to the dock and I'll just look at the sunrise and it's beautiful , it's amazing

, and it's in nature and it's awesome . It's just like a different world . That brings me a super appreciation and a deep level of fulfillment . So I don't want it just to be . You can only be fulfilled if you're doing hard things and you can only be happy if you're doing bad things . I don't want that to be this episode , because I don't think that's true .

But what if you would have a more fulfilled life but that fulfillment is on the other side of things that are disguised as resistance ? Is my question to pose ?

So the three main parts of it's called the happiness framework is joy is the first part , which is enjoying the present moment , and that's fully short term , that's right now , in this moment . Are you enjoying this moment ? Are you enjoying listening to me right now ? Are you enjoying listening to this episode right now , kevin is saying no , all right .

So joy is the first one , when you are enjoying the present moment . The second one is pleasure . The second one is pleasure . Pleasure is the dopamine hit that Kevin was referring to . Pleasure is I eat this donut . It is delicious , I have pleasure . You mentioned porn and weed . Alcohol falls in that category .

There's a lot of things that are pleasurable that are not fulfilling , and I think that was your ultimate point .

I Think that's the important thing about if you're using pleasure to escape something with the hope that it's gonna fix things , that's a dangerous game . Yeah , I would say in anything agreed .

Sex is a pleasurable thing . Every human who's an adult knows that Having sex with the love of your life is pleasurable and fulfilling , right versus some short-term , meaningless relationship . That's . Sex is pleasurable but it's not fulfilling , and I think that's a really good example , because one of them is pleasurable , enjoyable and fulfilling . It has all three .

It has joy , pleasure and fulfillment , which is why making love with your partner is the best thing in the entire World if you have the right partner because , it's all of it , it's the whole thing . Versus , if you've ever had more shallow sexual relationships I have in the past , so of you . They weren't .

It was enjoyable , it was pleasurable , but it wasn't meaningful . It's empty . It's empty .

That is the feeling of emptiness . Burnout is another good example . So when I'm really burnt out , it's just Same old , same old completely burnt out , exhausted , no energy . Just I can't keep doing this , that feeling of just nihilism and emptiness and hopelessness and helplessness . It's just , it just sucks . So I think everyone's kind of been there .

And then the opposite is fulfilled , which is a deeply meaningful , sustainable , aligned life towards your goals and dreams . And so you've got joy , part one , part two is pleasure and part three is fulfillment . And I'm not saying any one of them you shouldn't , you should neglect .

I don't think you should neglect any of them , but if you fall for what I fell for , which is called a pleasure centered paradigm , some people have an unconscious belief that life is about having fun . They think life is about fun and I grew up in an environment where it was a pleasure centered paradigm . Life is about having fun . So it was parties .

My mom and stepdad never missed an opportunity to go party . There was a lot of drinking and , yeah , it was a blast . It was very pleasurable , we had a lot of good times . But the problem is is that pendulum swings the whole far other way and it isn't fulfilling . And you know what at one point felt Really fun and enjoyable .

Later that night they didn't get along . They were fighting that it swings the other way , and so I think most things that are pleasurable Ends up swinging the other way and being unfulfilling if you overdo it .

Doughnuts , for example , love them Always , have always , will big fan , super pleasurable , but if I overdo it , I'm gonna be unfulfilled with my physique and my fitness goals , and so I think that that's really what you want to do is find the right balance of these , the right harmonization . I think balance is not the best word .

Harmonize joy , harmonize pleasure and harmonize fulfillment Unique to you , and that's the sort of chicken soup for the soul type of Situation that you're gonna want to .

, how you ever had Krispy Kreme donuts before ? Oh , yeah , yeah , when I worked in your same , when I worked in Virginia , I never had Krispy Kreme because they they weren't up here and Virginia down south , I don't know . Beyond a certain point they have Just different stuff and they had Krispy Kreme donuts . My , my buddy , I was working with Ray Ray .

We went , we each got 13 donuts and we try to eat them all before work .

I was in the gym and don't do this if you're struggling with self-esteem , by the way but I went to I lift at a gym that I used to lift at while I was a fitness model and I took a really close look at the abdominal region and as a 35 year old man , it was very it's not . It's not terrible , it's not like I .

You know , I think it's hard for me to explain , because let's just say it's . It ain't what it once was , that's the best way to describe it . It was very much okay . I wonder if I'll ever experience what I had in the past .

I really don't like to skimp in the evening , so I work all day , pretty much every day . I used to kind of not say that stuff , but all day , every day for the most part , and Sundays are less of that , but still , and in the , and I fast all day , so I don't eat . I haven't eaten since 10 o'clock at night yesterday .

It's 12 30 PM right now , and I fast almost every single day . When I get to the evening , not only am I cooked and I put it all on the court , so to speak . I don't want to track a calorie , I just want to enjoy my evening Same .

You know it is what it is , but , and the milk is skim right , so it is what . I'm not completely off the rails and I don't want to make this about me , but it is important for everyone to understand that when you're outside of alignment with your goals that are meaningful to you , you will be unfulfilled .

But I also am unfulfilled when I'm tracking every calorie and stepping on the scale twice a day and dialing everything in . So you've got to figure out how to harmonize joy , pleasure and fulfillment . And for me , food is definitely something that I enjoyed deeply , and it's unfulfilling when I'm overly scarce and overly concerned about it .

But it's also unfulfilling when I know that I'm leaving my physique potential on the table and so I have to constantly re swing the pendulum , sort of back and forth on that .

And I say that not to shame myself , but to really be honest with myself , because for the listeners , when you're honest with yourself , underneath that is pain , and then , underneath the pain , is positive change and the positive change will fulfill you , and I do believe fulfillment is a byproduct , ultimately , of alignment with your highest self , your best self .

So when people say I want to be the best version of myself , what they're really saying is I want to work on me ,

to grow in ways that are meaningful , so that I can look in the mirror and honestly say I'm proud of you . And that's really what I couldn't say at the gym when I was unfulfilled .

I'm coming up on two years of exercise , 30 minutes a day , and I've just been really consistent at pretty much all of the things that I struggled with last year and I just had a lot of pride and fulfillment this morning with how on point I've been with things that I've struggled with so much in the past WhatsApp and email , these things that just pile up .

But that's what it takes right now . That's necessary . It's not going .

I got Cinnabon banana and there's another one , oh , brown sugar . I would say probably Probably eight out of 10 . I'm very , very happy with the process . I'm very , very fulfilled with the process , but I'm not super happy with the current result .

I think that's always important For me . When I don't exercise , I'm not as fulfilled , but it's not the end of the world for me . But when we are financially scarce , that's a bigger weight on my shoulders . I would say so yeah , probably like six and a half , and then

love , say nine , love's the good one .

And so health , wealth and love I think all of us have one that is attached to our deepest wound . And if you go back two episodes ago , we talked about the deep wounds and I talked about unlovable .

Kevin talked about not capable enough , or I think I talked about Kevin being or feeling not capable enough deep down , if you think of money for him , that's more success oriented . So all this comes down to what you feel the most in control of .

So I never felt in control of success in relationships , intimate relationships in particular , and now I understand why I didn't understand what I was doing .

But the more and more that you learn about intimate relationships , communication , trust , emotional maturity , all these things , the more you feel in control of it and the less scarce you get when things , when challenges , arise .

And for you you're way less scarce with money now than you were years and years and years ago , when you had no idea how to make money in business , and it's night and day . So this is also a sliding scale . This is a trend line that it's a mountain that we climb .

So , even though he's a nine out of 10 , in his intimate relationship , that nine is different than the nine that it used to be , because your standards are way different . So it's a sliding scale which is impossible to explain .

The reason I went off the rails and just ate like garbage is because I'm mostly upset with myself that I haven't been doing . I know what to do , I just haven't been doing it . I've been too lazy or I've been overwhelmed or stressed or my priorities have been all over , whatever the label is . But the truth is I know what to do , I just haven't done it .

I haven't done it . So when I don't do that , it really hurts the fulfillment because I know better . When you know better , you can do better , and I know better and I know I can do better . Sometimes we've had this dialogue behind the scenes . Ignorance is bliss .

When I didn't know how to succeed in business and make more money and all that stuff , I felt out of control and I felt kind of hopeless . Now it's more of a pressure and a weight and responsibility . The fitness thing is too . Now I'm not saying whether you're watching or listening . You're in the same boat yet .

That's okay , but hopefully you're more aware than you used to be . So now you understand . I think it just helps you not go off the rails as far the alarm goes off quicker . Ding , ding , ding . Something's happening here . Something's happening when my I use a different app .

I don't use my fitness pal my fitness pal Is that what it's called To track calories , I use a different app . I knew I was jeffing when

you know how , when you don't use an app for a long period of time , it goes to iCloud and you have to re-download it . That's how I knew I was Jeffing , Because I haven't used it in three months and it just went away , Just went up to the cloud . They assumed I was done with it , so I had to re-download the app to use it . That's how I knew .

So that's just a good measure for me . But this would be my next love and nugget for this episode .

I believe deeply that fulfillment does not always come from doing something that you want to do , but doing something that you know your future self will thank you for , Because fulfillment is , to Alan's point you getting to the place that you have decided that you can get to in health , wealth and love .

Why is it called a fulfillment center , Amazon fulfillment center , where they fulfill your orders to make whole . They take your order , they put it in the box , they put the label on it , they put the tape on it and that order is now fulfilled and then they ship it to make whole , to bring together , to make complete .

And I think that's what we're all trying to do is we're trying to figure out what would the most complete version of me be . That's going to be the most fulfilled version of you . But there will be days that you have to do things that you don't necessarily want to do .

But you also will have the chance to celebrate those days and I think that can also be fulfilled .

The Dreamliner , for those of you who might not know , is a journal that NLU created that helps you stay in alignment , essentially , with your dreams Dreamliner in alignment with your dreams , and I've been taking notes every day , because every day has gratitudes and it has MIT's most important win , most important improvement .

It has your next level , nuggets and it's got , whether or not you checked off your habits . And MIT is most important tasks for those who might not know yeah , most important tasks . And then on the right there's just a blank page and on the right is where the notes section is .

And a couple days ago , just first thing in the morning , I do my Dreamlining and this came to me and I don't know , maybe we'll do an episode on this at some point , but we're going to create a digital asset . I do know that . I don't know what I'm going to call it yet . I think it's going to be the self-actualization pyramid , but we'll see .

The bottom of it is self-belief . How much do you believe in yourself ? And to Kevin's point about the Fulfillment Center if you have level two self-belief but you're operating at level one , you're going to be unfulfilled because you know you're capable of more . You know what else is true . If you

have level two self-belief and you're shooting for level eight goals and constantly losing toward those goals , you're going to also be unfulfilled . I think fulfillment is consistently and incrementally growing your self-belief and self-worth , which I'm going to get to . So the bottom of the pyramid is self-belief and I think that's where everything starts .

The second part of the pyramid is self-worth . The third is self-discipline , which is doing what you know you should do , even when you don't feel like it . The next one is self-trust . When you have self-belief , self-worth and self-discipline , then you start to trust yourself . You keep the promises you make to yourself .

You start to say , okay , I'm going to go to the gym and then you actually do it . One of the reasons I'm fulfilled is because I actually am keeping the promises of writing every day . I'm keeping the promises of mobility every day , okay . Self-respect comes after that .

When you start to trust yourself and you have self-discipline , self-worth and self-belief , all of a sudden you start to have self-respect . Then you have to maintain that by standing up to bullies , honoring boundaries , not going out when you know you should go to bed early , that kind of thing . Then eventually you lead into self-love .

Self-love from a genuine place , non-ego place , I think , is actually being able to look in the mirror and go . I am so proud of who you've become and I love who you've become , especially through all the shit you had to crawl through . The last one is self-actualization , which means achieving your actual dream .

You actually prove to yourself that you could aim high and achieve it . Whatever high means for you and the front of the Dreamliner is a mountain for a reason because we're all climbing our own mountain . Some people want to climb Mount Everest , some people want to climb Mount Wachewsit .

The only thing that matters is that you're climbing a mountain that is the right size for you right now so that you can actually build the self , because that whole pyramid , all of it , started with self , self-trust , self-love , self-respect , self-actualization , self-belief , self-worth .

When you focus on building the self which is what NLU is about holistic self-improvement then you don't want to hurt anyone else , then you are fulfilled , then you want other people to win . You want to see other people win . You love other people climbing . That's the world that I want to live in , and I hope everyone else does as well .

I'm going to create a digital asset for that . If anyone wants it , please email me , alan at nextleveluniversecom . Ultimately , I think that's what we're all looking for is we want to look in the mirror and be proud of who we've become .

We want to be able to say I've done all I can with all I have , not from an ego place , but from a genuine , sincere appreciation place .

Alan and I were talking behind the scenes before this and we were talking about how , every time we have a new round of group coaching opening up , we'll talk to a lot of people and we'll get messages and we'll have conversations going and people say when does it start ?

We'll say next week and or two weeks , three weeks , whatever , and they say all right , cool , I'll let you know that week . And usually the people that say I'll let you know that week unfortunately do not get a seat because it ends up filling up .

A lot of people wait to the last minute before they do something , but that also means if you're waiting to the last minute , you might not have an opportunity and we do not want you to miss that . So get your ticket early , whether it be virtual or in person , to make sure you can lock your spot . Link will be in the show notes , as I'll wait .

So Book Club is free every Saturday 12 , 30 PM , eastern Standard Time . It's a group of like-minded individuals , next level books with next level people . We are reading the Courage to Be Disliked by Achiro Kashimi and Kuma Takikoga .

It is a philosopher talking to a young youth and they are having a philosophical debate about the meaning of life and how to have more courage and lean into who you really are .

And that's why it's called the Courage to Be Disliked , because many of us fear judgment , myself included , and I think that we all are going to have to overcome that in order to achieve our dreams . And Book Club will definitely help you do that , because it's a safe space that's private , not recorded , where you can really be who you really are .

We've talked many times about comparison , we have episodes on it , but I'm trying to figure out a really good analogy or example of how to break free of it . If there was a way where you could catch yourself in comparison and say , oh interesting , it's actually different for me than it is for that other person .

So even if I am comparing , I'm comparing the wrong parts of the journey . That's what I want to accomplish in tomorrow's episode . So please tune in for that . As always , we love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you , and at NLU we do not have fans , we have family . We will talk to you all tomorrow .