#1610 - Do You Ever Overcome The Fear Of Judgment?

Do you ever overcome the fear of Judgment ? So it's big news in the podcasting world that Joe Rogan just signed what I believe is a 250 million dollar deal with Spotify . So I said that's a really good thing to create some content on as a podcast coach and a podcast consultant and a Podcaster who talks about podcasting .

So I created something for tiktok and I said I'm gonna throw this out here . I think we'll get some good feedback on it . And last night was one of those Just dark night of the souls I was . I had a rough day , some stuff happened business stuff . It was just rough . It was a rough night for me .

I ordered Taco Bell and I was a guy Let me check on my , let me check on my tiktok , see how it's doing to level of impact we're having to the world . And there was a . So the piece of content basically was Joe Rogan makes a lot of money from ads and sponsorships . Most of us are just not gonna do it .

That's just not how most small podcasts Make money . Here are a couple ideas on how you can actually make money with a podcast and somebody comments on it and what they said . How'd that go ?

I don't want to respond and start an argument , but I have two top 100 podcasts and I've been doing this full time now for six years and this is how I make my living , so I I know how to . What do you mean ? I'm not struggling to do this at all . We're crushing

it . We're doing really , really good . We have a successful business 1600 episodes , never miss an episode . It's happening that it's happening .

I looked at it and I said I really want to say something back and I was like , okay , why , why do I need to be right and why does he need to know ? I , whatever , let me have my Taco Bell and and I won't worry about it . And then today , when we were talking , I said , oh , that would probably .

Oh , you said , that would probably make a Really good episode to talk about judgment .

I think what happens is when you first start something and this probably won't resonate with you at all , alan , this , this is just an experience I've had when you first start something , the reason you're afraid of judgment is because you're already judging what you're doing , because you Don't know if it's gonna work out as you do something .

More and more and more and more that judgment . The fear of judgment that I have now is more the fear of misunderstanding than judgment , because that wasn't that was a level of judgment , but it's more . It's more the misunderstanding . You just don't know . You don't know what you're , what you said , you just yeah , it was a very ignorant comment , yeah .

I think , I think . But that's the difference . If I had just started a podcast

and let's say it helped one client , and Then I posted that and somebody commented , I might have that moment of ah what if they're right though I Don't , I don't really know what I'm doing that would hurt . That's just a different . It just hits you in a different place from from a place of judgment .

So , just like I don't know if imposter syndrome ever really goes away , I think you understand it better and again , for me at least , this is a maybe it's a me experience . I don't know . I don't know if it ever goes away . I think you develop a different relationship with it and then you connect .

If I don't have imposter syndrome , that probably also means I'm not growing , so maybe imposter syndrome isn't as bad as I once thought it was . I think you just Continue to evolve your relationship with judgment as you get better and better at something . I think your Relationship with the judgment you receive is just completely , completely different .

Somebody would take a video of me and I'm going to end up a meme . And now , like today , I was shadow boxing at the gym after I finished my workout and I don't think about that at all . It's almost like , if anything , I actually want to be seen because I think I've crossed the chasm of above average .

So if I'm going to get judged , it's probably going to be a positive judgment , not a negative one . I don't know , I just wonder if there's something in it .

I don't know if I would be upset about that If somebody reached out and said , hey , why don't you cover up your pimples before you do a video ? Like I don't care , because I don't care that much . I'm on camera every single day Like this is just who I am , but you do care about your competence .

Yeah , yeah , and I care about the fact that I don't post content I don't know stuff about . There's a reason I don't you know . I don't post certain content because that's just not who I am .

But there's something called an exile , which is a part of you that holds pain and insecurity and trauma , and there's different types of exiles . It's basically a part of you that you've , you're hiding . We all have a part of us that we're just trying to keep below the water , so to speak .

I don't want anyone to know that I'm insecure about X , y , z , and maybe I don't even want myself to know . So I'm pretending I'm not insecure when I really am and I think maturity , emotional maturity is just being like , wow , I really am insecure about that .

And then , what's ironic , like I used to hate my nose and then I started talking about it and now I don't like , I don't dislike it like I used to . It's like this weird thing how that works . But I remember there was a time where I used to purposely wear a hat because I didn't want the lack of symmetry .

I broke my nose and it was like a whole thing , but I had trauma around that because it was bad . Bad break and blood everywhere is awful , but anyway . So it was right before graduation day too . That really sucked . Yeah , I graduated

the next day . My nose was on the other side of my face . That sucked really so my graduation party that night . Yeah , I was really bad , but anyways . So I had all this pain and trauma and it was an exile . It's like I didn't . I didn't like my nose , but I didn't want anyone to know , so I was hiding it .

Once you face the exile and you just own it , it becomes less , it controls you less , and so what I think is happening I would be upset to some extent with the comment that person made too .

Ignorance has always bothered me and I think on some level it's supposed to bother me because I'm trying to educate people , but on the other end of that , I think I would feel attacked . I would feel undervalued .

The two types of exiles that I focus on in my coaching is one is unlovable , which is , if you have the exile of unlovable , most likely you don't feel like an easily likable person . You feel like you've always been attacked for almost no reason . You've probably dealt with bullying . You've probably even bullied .

You most likely are afraid of judgment , not because you don't think you're great , but because you have often been triggering the insecurities of those around you . I think unlovable is rarer than the next one . The next one is referred to in IFS as defective , but I like to think of it as not feeling capable enough .

So , for example , kevin and I are good examples . Please know we're not talking about us . We want you thinking of you , but we use ourselves as examples . Kevin has , in my opinion , I think you have defective , which is let me psychoanalyze you for a second I think that you have I don't feel capable enough .

I think that's your deepest exile and I don't have that . I very rarely feel not capable enough , very , very rarely . So it's not like I don't have it at all , it's just very small , very small exile , whereas Kev's is like no , no , no , I've earned this . I'm really good at podcasting , I coach podcast , whereas me it would trigger unlovable .

It's like why do you hate me ? For no reason . I don't understand , and so that's why , when you were articulating well , if I'm above average , I'll almost want a video , I don't have that at all . I don't want judgment period , because I know the better I get at something , the more I'm going to be disliked . And I don't think your fear is being disliked .

I think your fear is being seen as incompetent when you're actually competent , which is a whole weird topic .

You're not that offended if you care about past friends that they judge you or whatever , but not nearly as much as I do . And you're much more afraid of not being successful . Yeah , definitely , 100% . I'm not afraid of not being successful at all .

I'm afraid of being hated my whole life , and so I think that that is the diametric opposite of our deep core wound , which we will do another episode on . So I digress , but I do think those are the two main ones and I think our listeners can learn a lot about themselves if they identify with one more than the other . Unlovable , most likely .

You are really competent , you believe in yourself . You always kind of have . You feel like you love yourself pretty much when you're alone , you really love yourself and you feel very capable of things . But you get disliked often and attacked and bullied for what seems like no reason . That's unlovable Defective is . You just don't feel .

Why is that person so good at everything and why do I suck ? You had a sibling who was super . This is what I've found A lot of defective people who feel defective . No one's actually defective , by the way . This is just the psychology . They usually had a sibling that was really good at everything and it creates this like wait a minute .

When you're a kid , it's like why aren't I smarter ? Am I not smart ? Am I not that capable ? Am I not that good at XYZ ? I never felt like I had any of that . I always felt like I could get good at whatever I wanted , but I always felt unlovable . I mean , people just don't like the kid . It's wild . I'm trying to help people every day .

It's like this weird thing . So , anyways , I didn't want to take the whole episode , but I do feel like that's the root of why we fear judgment . You and I fear judgment . Both of us do . Yeah , of course , it's for a completely different reason though .

It's not like if you and I would go viral and have millions of followers tomorrow . I think that would be really hard , because you might get 10 times more love , but you're also gonna get probably 10 times more hate , and I'm just not equipped for that yet .

But I have to imagine , 10 years from today , I will have gotten 10 years worth of judgment , so my relationship with it will just be a little bit different .

Emilia is really good at this , but she still . It still affects her . It just affects her less than it ever has good .

And when I started going back , I went to . I went to another gym because I liked it better , because it was smaller , because it was like I don't want to go . I

Just don't feel like I belong at that that other gym anymore . I'm not the like you said it to me , like you're just not the fitness guy . It wasn't that . But I wasn't . I wasn't my ego wasn't ready to go to a gym and be like last , just starting at what feels like . And again , I understand , I'm member in Toronto brutal .

You're trying to be as much as me . I'm trying to be less and more relatable . But , watch your words son .

I wanna win the race . I would love to be last .

I'm not excited for it . When you start believing in yourself , people are gonna start ripping you a new one , man . It's brutal , it's so bad .

You'll hear me . It's like listen , I'm sorry , I've got my junk on you .

The courage to speak up for yourself , I think is important . Just don't over swing it and become the bully , and I do think that would help you to respond with something centered , Just to stick up for yourself , your self-worth . I think internally you'd have more self-respect . Well , I gotta figure out what centered is first . Yeah , maybe tell him to have fun .

I'm kidding , you know I'm kidding , I don't know , I don't know , I'm sorry , it's fine , though . No , no , you're kidding , I really am playful . Yeah , yeah

, of course , being playful .

Is the fear of judgment stopping you from doing the thing ? Are you doing the thing and you're getting some judgment ? You're afraid of the judgment you're getting . And this is the last thing I would say . If you , hypothetically , if I put a post up I mean not even hypothetically this , this happens , it's Common .

I put a post up , now , let's say it gets three likes , that is a judgment . I Just didn't see how many people saw it and decided not to do anything with it . If anything , that's a bigger judgment than one person reaching out and saying , hey , it's so . Judgment is contextual . Yeah judgment is contextual .

There's probably a lot of people that look at a restaurant and say , ah , that ain't it . There's also probably a lot of people that leave negative reviews when they have a bad experience . But more people look at the restaurant and say that's not it . More people judge it that way than Then the other way .

So I just want to throw that out for context just as a closing statement .

Because one thing that I've Matured in that I think is valuable is a Lot of the things that people were judging me for back then . They had a point . Now it definitely wasn't warranted and it was definitely over the top and it was definitely mean , but there was a point . So let's say , 2% of their hundred percent over swing was actually valid .

There is something to learn from in all feedback . In this case , probably not . I don't know , maybe it's just .

And that would be the next level nugget , which is there's something to learn about yourself and and , in general , whenever you get Feedback , whether it's constructive or destructive , whether it's bullying or not , but I would say that if you allow judgment to control you , you will not achieve your dreams , and that goes for me too , and that goes for Kevin as well

. You know , if you're going to open a restaurant , some people are going to hate it , some people are going to love it . Hopefully a larger percent love it , then hate it , and if that's not the case , you'll probably go out of business . So that's a whole , nother judgment . But that's judgments , a part of life .

And you give a speech in front of a thousand people , you only have one character and you have a thousand reputations , and who you are behind the scenes , when no one's watching , is going to matter always more To your own fulfillment in your own life . So so focus on that and hope the rest , you know

, follows .

We love to connect the community with other community members . I know it's hard to grow on your own . Rothe is hard . Doing it alone is even harder . So join a group that will support you and your growth .

In other words , if you think , oh well , I'm shy and I don't like that I'm shy . What if being shy is actually keeping you from doing the audacious things that would light you up , like maybe rapping or singing or dancing or or posting ?

So so what if these things about ourselves that we dislike are actually protecting us From our own greatness in a way , because we're actually afraid of judgment or we're actually afraid of failure or we're actually afraid of being hurt ? So , anyways , that's . That's kind of little taste of book club it's .

It's a place where we contemplate next level books with next level people . We bounce ideas off each other . It's really awesome . I hope that you join . We're reading a book called the courage to be disliked . Right now it's every saturday 12 30 pm . Eastern standard time , and I did check today .

Today is our 150th session , so we've been doing this for a while , so I promise I'm getting decent at this halfway , halfway , yeah , uh and uh . It's been . It's been really , really beneficial for my thinking differently . That's the premise of book club is let's contemplate and think differently .

The difference between high self-worth and entitlement One of the most challenging pieces of relationships Are dealing with people that are entitled , and they're entitled to your time . They're entitled to your focus , whatever it is it's . It's such a challenge and I know we've all dealt with that to some level .

But some people have super high self-worth and sometimes it comes off as entitlement , sometimes entitlement comes off as super high self-worth . So we figured we do a deep dive into that and see what comes to the surface . So that's what we're going to do tomorrow .

As always , we love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you , and at nlu we do not have fans , we have family . We will talk to you all tomorrow .