#1589 - The 2 Types Of Self-Belief

This is a conversation that Alan and I had the other day .

Over the last 1500 , almost 1600 episodes and the coaching calls and the self-reflection and the self-awareness , we're realizing that self-belief and self-worth are two of the most important , if not the two most important things when it comes to accomplishing what you want , having a great relationship , all that stuff .

It's so important to believe you are capable of it , but also believe you are worthy of it . Alan brought a new perspective when it comes to self-belief the other day , so I'm going to kick it to you , man . Also , if you're watching this on YouTube , I have .

Well , you can see on YouTube if you're listening to this , I have the biggest pimple on the end of my nose . It couldn't be in a worse spot and it sucks . That's going to hurt to pop . I already popped it . It just keeps coming back . Yeah , it's almost like you're on camera often . Okay , I'm going to creep on back and let you deal with this again .

A little insecure , but not , I guess , not as insecure as I once would have been .

Kevin and I , to his point , have come to understand yeah , self-belief and self-worth are the source code of the life you want . For lack of better phrasing , did your chair just come up ? The ?

Self-efficacy is essentially the psychology word for self-belief . We were talking we pulled up the grid of there's , this grid that we have where the x-axis picture a plus sign . The x-axis is from zero to 10 . The y-axis is from zero to 10 . The y-axis is self-belief and the x-axis is self-worth and there's four quadrants .

The idea in my coaching is I want to try to get everybody to the fourth quadrant , the upper right , and aka high self-belief and high self-worth . I was doing this with this client who I think struggles with self-worth way more than self-belief . I said what's your self-belief ? Zero to 10 , statistically speaking . She said I think an eight .

I said I would say that's fair , maybe a little higher , to be honest , but fair . Then I said zero to 10 , what's your self-worth ? We dug into her heart on this one and I think she said probably four , maybe three . I said yeah , okay . So how do you build self-worth ? We went through all the ways you build self-worth .

We rated them from zero to 10 , blah , blah , blah . The next day she sends me an audio . She says I was thinking about the self-efficacy thing and I was thinking about self-belief , and I think there's two types of self-belief . The first type is I do believe in my own ability to execute . This person's a sicko . They execute systems .

They work out when they don't want to work out . They track their calories when they don't want to track their calories . They are , statistically speaking , on the very high end of self-discipline . They can execute in their behaviors . I saw her do a cut that I don't know . It would be terrible if I were to do that .

When it comes to her belief in her own ability to execute behaviors , she's very high . She said there's another type of self-efficacy that I've studied that I don't think I have very high .

She said I believe in my ability to execute the behaviors , but what I don't believe in enough is my ability to decide what behaviors are actually going to get me to the outcome , and that's where this episode was born . Number one self-belief part one is I can execute against the behaviors that I need to execute against .

I can do the work . Self-belief part two is I can figure out the proper strategy , I can figure out the right work to do , and so someone who has quote , unquote level 10 self-belief they need both it needs to be .

I believe I can do the work , but I also believe that I can figure out which work is most important , and that comes to reverse engineering , finish lines and strategizing . So , like someone who can figure out what the next right chess move is and then can execute that chess move is essentially the concept .

The reason we do episodes like that is because I think a lot of people struggle with strategy . When you sign up with a coach , I mean , yeah , you're paying for accountability , depending on what it is , but oftentimes it's strategy . What do you want to accomplish ? Well , I don't know how to do . Blink .

I did a podcast breakthrough session with someone today amazing human . It was wonderful and it was just how do I do this ? Am I doing this right ? How do I do this ? What do I do if I want this ? It was just all strategy and I think that second one , the strategy versus behavior . But then again , I know the behavior is really hard too .

It's really hard to do something consistent

.

Not always , but there's a good amount of times where I'll just do something and it works pretty well . But that's just because I've done that for long enough .

Well , if you're resonating with what Kevin's saying about I know what to say , I know how to get along with people , I know how to influence that kind of thing . I think that's more EQ . I think the IQ is much more . If I do these things , I'm gonna get this outcome . You know , I actually think it's really .

I've come to understand that it's really difficult to reverse engineer goals , and the reason why is because usually let me try to explain this concept All right when you look at an acorn , you don't see some big , huge tree 100 years later . I mean , imagine if you never saw a tree and you only ever saw an acorn . Just for a second , the acorn is the idea .

So I wanna build a billion dollar business . Okay , that's just an acorn . If you've never seen a tree before , would you really think that it can become that Like a redwood or an oak tree ? You'd be like what the hell ?

You didn't even know , you had the strength of knowing what would affect what people in what way , and that kind of thing . I remember you saying well , if I want it to work , it'll work . I remember thinking I never felt that way in relationships .

it was essentially well , of course you're not confident , you've never succeeded yet , meaning I had been basically 29 years of not having a successful long-term relationship . I had four and a half years , five years and then , I think , a two-year one , but I had never really succeeded at this long-term relationship thing .

And so Kev's like well , of course you're not confident , but I remember thinking to myself I'm really confident in other areas you know . And so what's the difference ? I think the difference is awareness . I think I was good at reverse engineering finish lines , but not very good at understanding human beings as much as I thought .

Anyways , particularly relationship stuff . And if you asked me , now , having studied all the relationship stuff , the inner work , therapy , conscious couples , podcast cycles , triggers , insecurities , all the stuff we've done at NLU but more importantly at the we and conscious couples , I feel way more confident now because I feel like I get it .

I understand what makes a relationship fail and what makes it work , like trust , communication , vulnerability , humility , courage , difficult conversations , empathy . These are the things that are critical . And so , at the end of the day , for all our listeners , let's check in which of these beliefs do you have more ? Do you have part one ?

I know I can do the behavior . Or part two , I know I can decide which behaviors are going to get me what outcomes . And maybe you're out there saying I'm not very good at either of those . That's okay .

Let's just build them up a little bit by a little bit , by a little bit , and eventually you'll get to a place , because you have said a 10 and a seven , 10 plus seven , 17 divided by two , you're probably around eight . You know 8.25 . Yeah , confidence .

So I think that your level of confidence , your level of self belief , is probably the average of these two . What's the level of self belief that your ?

If you're strategizing for something and it takes you two years to accomplish that's a long time before you actually get that belief here . This might land . I don't know . This lands for me when I say it , so maybe it will for you , whether you're watching or listening .

If you hire a coach to just tell you what to do , maybe you're really good at the behavior . When I did bodybuilding , I hired a coach and I just wanted him to tell me what to do . I'll follow through .

I just tell me what to do , tell me what to eat , tell me how much to eat , tell me how often to weigh myself , tell me when you need pictures , and I'm good . The strategy was super valuable too . I understood the strategy to a degree , but I was really paying him for accountability and strategy because I wouldn't have pushed myself as hard if

I didn't have a coach . But if you think of that , if you pay someone just because you want them to tell you what to do . But you know you can follow through . You're probably really good at the behavior . Maybe you just don't know the strategy . That's really me , in a nutshell . I'll just ask Alan , what do I do ?

And he'll give me a system and I'll just run it forever and then he'll say like are you still doing the same thing ? He's like yeah , man , it's awesome , isn't it ? He's like no , no , it's time to switch .

If you don't have the strategy , it's hard to do it consistently . It really is a kind of a juggling act of if you don't have one . Yeah , it is . Maybe this is a new version of the confidence conundrum in a way .

I mean , anyone who's ever done that , it's just horrible .

So maybe , instead of borrowing someone's belief , maybe you can borrow someone's strategy and maybe that will build your belief . But then the question becomes you can't always rely on other people's strategies , so you kind of have to learn how to strategize . And that's another episode .

I said something to you today . We were talking about something behind the scenes and we were just talking about growth and growth over the years . And I said one of the best things ever for me that you did was you let me fly the coop , for lack of better phrasing . And you said what do you mean ? I said just let me go out and do things .

One of the most important things I ever did was I got to the place where I said I would rather write up an email , send it myself and lose the client than write up an email , have you , look at it and then us get the client . I don't think that's serving . I think we're past that and I need to learn this on my own . So that works really well for me .

I took your strategy and I took what I learned from the strategies you've taught me and what I've been practicing through those strategies , and then I tried to figure out all right , what pieces of that strategy can I remember enough to use it on my own ?

I know I sound like a broken record with that , but you have to use if you have level one understanding of strategy , awesome , use level one understanding of strategy to try to get to level two . And then , when you get to level two , it's the same thing though of yeah , you're most likely not going to go from I don't know what a great example is .

You're most likely not going to go from learning how to drill two pieces of wood together to building a custom mansion in a year . The strategy just doesn't . It doesn't compound that fast , but there's no reason you can't build .

You know , drill two pieces of wood together and then drill four pieces of wood together and then build a platform and then build a shed , and then build a bigger shed and then build a tree house . Your strategy becomes tools for you to use later . Strategy is just understanding inputs and outputs . Really , when I do this , I get this result .

Then you stack them . You want to teach strategy ? You probably know it better than I do . No , no , no , no . That's not what I'm laughing at . That's not what I'm laughing at .

So , instead of putting the boards to where because there was these perfect five trees and one of them was really thick , huge , thick oak tree if we go around the tree we'll have so much more space in the tree house . So the tree was in the tree house . This was a legit tree house .

We had shingles , we had a rug , we brought electricity out there , we had a trap door , we had a full window . This was . We took years to build this thing and I'll tell you what we failed forward .

And here's what happens when you nail nails into trees they die , they sap lots and lots of sap all over the electrical cords , all over the rug , just awful right . And we also . I'm pretty sure we might have mutated some spiders because of all the foam that we had to put to like block the rain .

But anyways , my point of the tree house story is this you have to fail forward and our next tree house would have been world class . But why ?

Because our first one was just mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake , and , yes , most of the nails that we put in took about two or three before we you ever hammer a nail halfway , and then you have , you mess it up , and then you have to hammer it in because you can't take it out . Of course , yeah , of course .

So I never told that story before . But what does this have to do with belief ? I believe in my ability to build a tree house Seriously . Here's why I did it . I did it before and I failed so many times on so many things . Now can I build a world class tree house ?

No , it's a way better one than we built I'll tell you that for sure A couple of kids who didn't know what the hell we were doing .

I will help you with that . I was going to talk about next level nation , but I think if we're talking about strategy , those are the two things that we really help people strategize around . So Link will be in the show notes for all of our information . But , yeah , happy to chat about anything you need help strategizing on .

Which you do Our monthly meetup , number 26 , and it is in the love month , february 1st 2024 . So our monthly meetup for the love month , february , is three words you need to remember if you want a next level relationship . The link to register will be in the show notes .

As always , we love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you , and at NLU we learn to fans . We have family . We will talk to you all tomorrow .