Hello and welcome to Never Live It Down. This week we have comedy sensation and social media superstar it's Jake Lambert. He is going to be telling us about a time he accidentally threw his niece through a fence. His surprising look alikes, and he's also going to help me prank my family. So I want to start by stealing. Basically stealing your content. Lovely stuff. Well, thanks for being so honest about it. I'm gonna do this forever. So you have two games that you play on your phone.
The first one is they're text pranks. Oh, my God. Yeah. I've not thought about that for so long. Jules thought they were so good. So one of them is that you make people think you're talking about them by texting them things like, shall I invite. Let's say I text my sister Amber. Or are you avoiding them? Yeah, exactly. And make them have a breakdown. That's bad, isn't it? But it is fun. So good. I was thinking of doing it to my mom. Can we do this now? Okay, I'm gonna text will I do my mom?
Cause my mom, my brother, my sister are all coming over this weekend so I can make them all think that we're all bitching about you. Great. Yeah. Okay. I'll text my mom first. Cause she'll get really offended. Hey, Rico. That's what I'll call my brother. Will I invite mom or are you still trying to avoid perfect mom or are you still trying to avoid her? She's online. These are the. And you've got another one where you're. What's the other one that you. The other one.
The first one I did is when you text someone asking where they are, and then you text them back as though you're telling someone else. So you'll be like, hey, where are you? And they'll be like, I'm just at Sainsbury's. And you reply and just go, they're just at Sainsbury's. And then they're like, wait, what? And then you just don't. Don't respond at all. My mom's gonna get really upset. She's gonna get really upset. She's ready. Okay, let's get my sister now with that one.
So what do I say, Amber? I say, what do you. Hey, you can say, what are you up to? Or where are you? Okay. What are you up to on Friday? Or two. Perfect. There we go. Take it into the future. Up to. Yeah, because they're all over this weekend. So I'll turn them all against each other. Yeah. This is nice. This is great stuff. Okay. She'll. Oh, my mom, she's seen it. Yeah, that's the worst. Because now the anxiety comes on you. You've tried to attack somebody with it and now you've got it all.
I know what she's doing. She's going into my stepdaughter who's definitely playing online ch and ask. I play online chess. Oh, no. Has he got the chess app? He spends hours on it. Oh, my God. Get him to admit Diagonal Day Lewis. Diagonal Day Lewis. Okay, Diagonal Day Lewis. Is he your favorite actor? He just worked for a good chess pun. Okay, diagonal. But he is a good actor. If he's watching, he's a great actor. He's Irish as well. Of course I love him. I do love him.
It now sounds sarcastic, but I do love him. Yeah, it sounds like it. Are you a bit of a geek? I couldn't decide and now I'm really starting to wonder. Do you want my stepdad to actually do her chess app? I love that. It was like on the Tipping Point, you weren't sure then. My first thing I got excited about was me adding your stepdad on a chess app. So the fact you still had to ask. Well, I wasn't sure because you did say that you're one.
Something you didn't talk about forever is American football. It's sort of the worst answer, I think, because I thought of a few options, like I could talk about, like books or film. Helicopters. I mean, that's probably going towards it, but because I joined Covid, I moved to. You just said I joined Covid. How did you get in there? So we love helicopters. I said Covid. Good at spreading around. We get around quick. But the helicopters fly over my house. So I started to learn what they all were.
So now I can tell what they are just by the sound. Oh, really? Yeah. See Tom Cruise there, You know, I never saw him. My friend did. I saw my friend post a story and she just posted where she was just walking along and he just landed in front of her loads. I saw what's his name, Michael Douglas there before. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was he flying himself? No. Why? Can he fly himself? Tom flies himself, doesn't he? Tom was landing Tom. Tom was just a show off, isn't he?
Yeah, but so would I be if I could fly a helicopter. I don't think you can fly a helicopter and not show off. I think if we landed in a helicopter, you can't do that. I know, but I feel like, I don't know, like can he not just take a vaccine ever? Like, you have to always be the one to jump off the buildings. Yeah, he does, doesn't he? You're right. I'm not. I'm so not that person. No where. If you're. If I could fly a helicopter, I would land it out the way and then just get an Uber to where.
I was going because it's too small to land at the heliput. Yeah, yeah. By the water. You'd land in the water. Yeah. I'd get it all wrong. So, American football. I know nothing about American football, but supposedly, if you love American football to your level and could talk about it forever, that's a bit of a geeky thing and I want to talk about. What do you mean, supposedly? Who's told you this or have you Googled it? Well, it's in. I have Googled it, yes. Right, then.
Yeah. Okay. Wow. What a way to find out. Thanks for breaking it to me. So definitely, you've got chess and American football. Maybe I am. Do you like collecting anything? Yeah. No. Yeah. What? All sorts of things. For a while I did. Do you know what I did once I was. This is only. I only collected one thing of this thing, but maybe I shouldn't say this because I was unsure whether it's legal. Is it cocaine? I collect it, but I do sell it as well, so I don't keep it for myself, so.
Well, I collect books. That's a good one. That's a nice one. That's a. What's the word for that? This is too early for me, by the way. I'm not usually up at this hour. I do find that with comedians and I'm. Do you know what I'm becoming more and more surprised by? I just expected you guys to be more late. I thought you're gonna say funny. Well, that too. I was very close to being late. I don't know how I got here on time. I don't know how any of you do. All the comedians are on time. Really?
I'm really hot. I was really panicking and. Because then it started to rain as I was leaving. So I've got an umbrella and a bag. I look like I'm going on such a big journey and I'm coming here and then home. You look like a little English planning bear. I really do. How did you get here if you came from Battersea? That's the. Yes. It's got the tube. No. But you're the other side. But I live in Battersea. Yes. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. So I'm the other side of the. So I had to walk.
You walk the whole way through the park? Yeah. No wonder you're sweating. Yeah. From the helipad. Yeah. No, no, no. So it comes over. So I live in the. I shouldn't say too much where it is, but I guess the exact address. I have done that on the podcast before and then I kept re referencing it and then they said it was a logistical nightmare to edit that out. That I just was giving everything. That's probably even. That's a bit of a clue about where they had got to go to land.
I don't think anyone will know that. Just you. If some of my fans are watching, they'll know. So you live closer to the Battlestone? Closer to the park. Closer to the park. I live closer to the park, but still the other side of the park to the tube. It was still quite a walk. You're very welcome. I think you live near me. It's unusual that I would never have spotted you in the park. Right. Anyone from Bandassee is always in Bandassee.
Always in Battersea Park. You can just go to like if you've not got any fresh air. You go and do a loop of that and you feel so good. 3.7K is a full loop is how it is. Yeah, it is. That's good to know. Thank you. Do a little jog of that 23 minutes. I basically did that this morning in the way. Yeah, that's why you're boiling there. So what do you collect? You collect books and what else? What's the weird thing? So it was in. In Battersea Park, I was doing.
I used to do these videos where I'd walk around the park filming myself. Like a walk and talk video for. On Instagram. Right now I don't now, I just didn't. From my house. I don't have to leave my house. But there was a lady there once and I was. I didn't like to film when other people were around because it looked mad. So I was just clearly hovering and this lady said to me, are you looking for a tree? And I was in Battery Park. So I'd be like, there's quite a few here.
And she was like, no, there's this one. I've traveled from Australia to see it. It's one of the top 10 trees in London. And it was this big red tree. But then it got struck by lightning and bits of it fell off. So I just went to collect bits, thinking this might be worth something. Bits of a tree. So I collected bits of this tree. Pretty sure they were going in the bin. I don't think that's legal. That is like. That could be some insane woman just being like you. By the way, that tree is.
I did Google it. It's on the Wikipedia of the most famous trees in London. Stop. Yeah, I never knew that. Which tree is it? I wish I'd remember. It's not there anymore because it got struck by lightning. But I'll send it to you if you want. I can send you a bit. I'll drop it around. I kind of weirdly want some of that tree. Do you do any, like, model building or coding? I do have, in fact. This is gonna be bad now. This is going to be bad. You've got all of them. The top nerdiest hobbies.
You do the test. I. I'm doing a little test, but, like, I'm actually kind of shocked. 10 nerdiest hobbies of 2025. You do them all. I made this website. I coded this website. I. I did make a LEGO version of the Green Bay packers, which is an NFL team. I made their stadium out of lego. How many pieces? A lot more, I think, than I realized going into it, I have to say. I do. I weirdly got into lego. It's good to know. What are those LEGO people called? The ones that are really mad for lego?
They have a name for them in the shop. Oh, what would it might be? There's literally a name for them and they spend their whole time in the shop. My brother, who is like 42, is waiting to buy this piece of Lego for 400 quid and I'm like a Star Trek. A Star Wars. A Star wars thing. See, I don't do that, if that helps. Geeky. I did used to work at Legoland. Did you? Yeah, it was my first job. That's a pretty good job. Is it any freebies legal and like the theme park, legally? Yeah, yeah.
That's not a bad first job. It's a brilliant first job. What did you do? Just first of all, I was working in the ice cream and donut shop because you can't work on the ride, so you're a bit older then when I got to 18, I was allowed to work on the rides. Two and what they just. And you were so, like, children would come. Yeah, you could basically go and, you know, children get on a ride and you, like, wave to them. Depends how hungover you are. But sometimes you really get into it.
Yeah. Do you know, I did this thing once. I was. They Told us in the morning that the owner of the whole park has flown over from Denmark. And he was there for the day. And I was working on the blue train. Just this tiny like blue train that would go around in a loop. Yeah. And I was just pressing go then sitting in the hut and waiting for it to finish. And I looked out through and you could see the cube. But it was like, what do they call it?
A two way mirror or one way mirror where you can see through it. But they can't see you. What is that? Two or one? So I looked out and I realized I saw the most Danish looking man I'd ever seen. And I was like, that must be him. So I ran out of the booth and I was waving to everybody as they came past, doing high fives, doing all this stuff. And then I was like, who's ready for the train? Do all the train noises. Then afterwards I got some like ultimate service award.
And I had like a gold grip on my name badge because he had. He'd put my name down at the end and said how I was like the best. Because you spotted the dating. So it was good. They are easy to spot. Very tall, very good looking, very tall, handsome, very blonde. Have you ever been to Copenhagen? Yes, I'm going back there on tour, actually. Yeah, your tour. Let's do that. Your tour is called the Sunshine Kids. The Sunshine Kids. And you're going everywhere. Everywhere.
And we're waiting to announce Australia dates, but that's taking longer. They're in April and it's still not on sale. That can't be good, can it? Here. Shit. We better check on my mom. Oh, no. Oh, Amber. Amber, my sister. Oh, no. My mom hasn't written back. I feel really bad. That's really bad. Will I text her again and be like, oh, sorry, I didn't mean to send that to you or leave it. Well, that makes it worse, doesn't it? Okay, I'll leave it.
Yeah, I don't think whatever you do now is gonna be good. This hasn't gone brilliantly. I'll say. Just wondering. My sister wrote back, how come my family are shit. Oh, okay. I'm gonna send this to my brother now. Hey, Rico. God, no. I don't know. I've really ruined it all night. This game went better for you. It went better for me, didn't it? Oh, God, my mom's gonna. This is what you get for stealing content. Ye just make up your own caves for your own friends.
You just torn your family apart and cause yourself a mental Breakdown? Well, I can't do anything about my mom till we're finished here, so she's just gonna. I feel like I need to get my brother Frederick. One of these has to work. Okay. So my brother Frederick, we've just had a fight, so what'll I do with him? Well, don't do anything. No, we're friends again. We're friends again. Oh, okay. So I can reignite. Oh, my God. Okay, well, I don't know. I don't know if we should add to the fire.
I'll say. Yeah, I'll say, hey, Ambien. Do you. Will I invite Frederick or. No. Are you still not talking to him? My God, you're gonna tear this family apart. I know. I can't. My sister. Oh, gosh, she's just annoying me now. Writing back. It's a very specific time. Oh, God. Just write back then. Be extra annoying. Now to going, sorry. She won't give a specific answer. Great one. Great one. There you go. Sorry. She won't tell me. She's being weird. Won't tell me. Sorry. She's being. Okay, great.
Okay, we'll leave them. Okay. Tell me about a moment that you will never live down. Oh, yeah. So it sounds bad. Yeah. So you know the answers and I. I do. You know what I did yesterday? I wrote all these answers down on the form. Yeah. And then sort of pressed send without going back and checking everything. Well, I'm glad you did. So this was when I threw my niece through a fence. Yeah. Yeah. How did you throw her through a fence? So what happened was. What age is she? So now.
But she still remembers it. She's still not over it at the point. I could show you a photo recently of her just after the accident. Yeah. Oh, it was bad. Was she bleeding? Oh, no. I had to. She was. She was quite young. Maybe she was like three or four. Okay. And I even bought her, like, a teddy afterwards. And she just would look at me like. She wouldn't. She was like, why are you coming near me again? Last time, you threw me for a fence. So what happened was we had.
We're at my mum and dad, so it's my sister's daughter, and they were having a race, and she was losing the race against maybe, like, three or four people in the race. And my friend drove her from Canada, and he was, like, racing with them, joking, and she was right at the back, and I thought, well, I'll run down. I'll pick her up. We could run down the end and she'll win the Race. But at the end of my parents garden, it's the grass finishes and then it's like a wooden decking. Oh yeah.
And my foot got stuck between the wooden decking and the grass and I just went over and we just went through the fence at the end of the garden and she was like there were. I. They recently just sent photos into the WhatsApp group and I couldn't. I couldn't believe how bad actually was. I'd forgotten. And she still remembers it as well. I say she does. Yeah. Which is good. Her memory wasn't affected. That's one positive. But it was, it was this big. Old mental at you.
No. Somehow they were all very. I think they were too scared to. I think they were all like, everyone needs to take a moment and figure out what's going on here. But I think they all knew. I did try to turn last minute. Oh God. Sometimes I tried. I failed. Yeah. Oh my God. My foot was stuck in a. In a. In between the gas and the deckhands. I couldn't do much movement. But we both went just through.
But it's not like you might thinking of like a, you know, like a fence like separates gardens to garden. Yeah. This is just like three thick but bits of wood. So it's quite like a sturdy fence. It's not like a fence panel, it's three bits of wood as well. It was pretty for your parents as well, right? Yeah, yeah. Expensive fence. Yeah, yeah. They put a fence. My son did that. My 2 year old, he smashed a shower door and like we were all in the shower. I was in the shower.
It was after going in a hot tub with the other two and we're all just standing there like with this thing. What happened? Sorry. My son ran out. He's two. The three of them were in the shower with me because I was getting them ready after the hot tub. My little one ran out and went to slam the door because he slammed his door. Whatever way he did it. Oh my God. The whole door, it smashed in towards the shadow. I was like, oh God. Because that's the.
As soon as somebody drops a glass, the first thing is like, nobody move. Get something on your feet and you're completely naked. I couldn't move. Well, I had a bikini on, thankfully. But then. So I wasn't picturing all this, by the way. I'm just thinking because you're in a shower. I'm just thinking logistically, that's all. Well, our feet were naked. Yeah. You're very vulnerable. Couldn't move but then the two year old, I was like, oh, my God, I can't even get in because I can't walk.
It was like, yeah. Oh, my God. I know, I know, I know. Because you'd never know if you'd got it, because glass and water, it all becomes the same thing. It all looks the same. Suddenly you don't know where you can stand. You're just stuck. Okay, next question for you is describe the most embarrassing moment of your life using only three words. So I actually, I struggled with this one because I don't. I used to feel embarrassed when I was younger a lot. And I would.
If I felt embarrassed, all I would do is skip around in circles and click my fingers. And that's. That's how everybody knew that I was feeling embarrassed. I didn't know how to channel the embarrassment. So I'd skip and I'd just do that. And everyone knew I was about to cry or something. But the only embarrassing thing I could think of was so I wrote Trousers Falling Down. Yeah. Which sounds like Mr. Bean. That sounds like the go to embarrassing moment, doesn't it?
Yeah. It was basically my first ever gig. Oh, no. And I couldn't believe how well this gig was going. It was my first time doing it. I was telling these jokes, the audience were laughing, they were laughing at points I didn't even know were funny. I was like, I've just got them, I've got this. And then I spoke to somebody afterwards and she was like, yeah, it was good. She was like, we all thought you were gonna reference the bit about your trousers falling down. And I was like, sorry.
And I could feel it slightly. I didn't know how much it was actually happening. She was like, every time you told her your trousers would fall down more, and we thought it was gonna be a reveal. And I was like, no. I remember coming off and having to do that. She was like, yeah, then you just sort of pull. Pulled them up. And I was like, is that why they were. She was like, yeah. We thought it was a let, but we didn't know why we were. And I was just sitting there telling my jokes.
I was so nervous. I didn't even take the mic out the stand. I just stood there and told my jokes while my trousers just slowly fell down for five minutes. Oh, my God. And I thought, I'm amazing at this. You should just do that for every gig. No gig has ever gone as well as that one. But you've done gigs for, like, you've warmed up for Michael McIntyre. Yeah. Who Ramesh. Yeah. Carrie? Yeah. Jack D. Yeah. That's unbelievable. Oh, did it happen?
What do you mean unbelievable in an amazing way or why you. Okay, thank you. But. But were you not like. Absolutely. Do you know what? I went to see Peter K the other night and he had no warm up. And I was like, that's interesting. Yeah. Yeah. You want warm up? I'm not gonna tag him off too much, but I know. I feel like you want, like, I was acting it now. He was doing two and a half hours, though. That is incredible. Where was he doing this? At the O2.
At the 02. Wow. And he's singing and stuff. Is it a whole, like. He does little bits of singing, but he does take a little interval. 20 minutes. Well, I think that's fine. It's two and a half hours. Everybody needs that. He needs a wee. Yeah. You don't want that on stage. But I think that you say that with no support. However, I don't think I would want to support him. That would be nerve wracking because his audience are probably very like, they are there for Peter.
Yeah. They're not really like, we're into like supporting new up and coming talents. Do you find that with audiences like. Well, Michael McIntyre is massive as well. So, like, did you not feel like that when you were doing that for him? I did at the start, but then they're so nice. They're just like the public. It's just like people. Usually the public aren't nice actually, but these are the nice people in the public. Yeah. So they were just. They would be supportive.
And I think when I walk out sometimes what would happen is, though, is there's an announcement. So the lights would go down and everyone thinks they bought tickets over a year ago. They're waiting for Michael to walk out. Yeah. So the announcement is. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Michael's support actor this evening, Jake Lambert. Yeah, but sometimes they cheer so much that they drown out that announcement. So then they are so confused.
And then that's the most difficult when they're. They have no idea what's going on. They're like, who is this? This is just not what we thought was about to happen has happened. Where's Peter? Oh, you're very relaxed. Just doing your makeup on the podcast. I thought I was gonna get away with that. I get really dry. We haven't gone on YouTube yet. Okay, now that you've mentioned it, I don't care. I'm gonna put some on. Use a bit of lip chopper as well. I just want to look. Do you use lip stuff?
I used, but I just use this one. Palmer's Cocoa Butt Cocoa Butter. I mean, I use it for my toast. Well, I'm actually using Charlotte. Oh, lovely. The bet. I'm, like, obsessed with Charlotte Tilbury. Is that the one? Do you go to the one in John Lewis at the end of the King's Roads? No, I didn't. It's very good. It looks amazing. Do you ever go into that Space Nk? Have you ever been to Space Nk? I'm too overwhelmed by. I can't understand what's going on.
I just want to go in there and just try everything and just test. It's too much, isn't it? I don't understand what's going on. I absolutely love it in there. My God. Right. I spent a long time in there, really. But I just. I'm overwhelmed. What I like is in the power station, Le Labo. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Just go in and drown yourself in perfume and not buy any. Yeah, they've got. They sell about 10 items at a time, so you don't get overwhelmed by what's in there. But they do.
They sell the aftershave. That's Roll on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I use that for traveling. How much is that? Like 700 quid in there? No, it wasn't that much. But I didn't even know there was. A Le Labo in there. Yeah, it's upstairs. I do like a bit of Le Labo. Do you know they do washing powder? Yes. Yeah. Oh. Oh. What? Clothes washing powder. That's what you meant. For the body and realized no one's ever called it washing powder for the body, for your clothes.
Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy, isn't it? That's like, for, like, royalty. Wow. You smell like bergamot. Thank you very much. It's my washing matter. Bergamot is amazing. That's how I discovered it, because it was always in the hotel, what the lava was. Yeah. I stayed when I was. What hotels are you staying at? It's just when you're on Tour with Michael McIntyre. Yeah. I had the hotel in Sydney, like, Overlook the harbor. Stop. They had lava. The lava was just in the showers. Oh, my.
That's how I discovered it. So that's the one. You can steal soap from all the bars of soap. Le Labo. Because then I went into La Labo to ask if. If they actually do the hand soaps. I was gonna buy one for my mum for Christmas. Yeah. And they said, okay. That's the worst Christmas present I've ever heard of. Here, Mom, I got you soap. But I was like, this is what happens when I stay away with him. Like, this is what it's like. This is how I live. Here's how I live, Mother.
And they said there's a huge shortage. I was like, I've got a lot of it at home. I could probably sell that quite well, swipe it off. Gave her one for me. I've got loads. Obviously, they're little ones from hotels, but. Were you just going around following those carts and being like. Yeah, because they're just exactly when they. Oh, my God. Do you get a rider? Do you get a rider when you're on tour with people like that? I get rid of my own tour.
But it is literally just the ability to make a cup of tea. Well, yeah, because you have to pay for your own rider. That's what people seem to forget. Yeah. That people think, I will have to pay for everything. One can of Coke Zero. Yeah, that's it. Because half a bottle of vodka. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because. Because you don't want to turn up with it. Because that looks bad. Turn up with half a bottle of vodka. It was already in there. That's fine. But on his. Mine would be that sound.
Mine would be like grapes and blueberries and the ability to make a cup of tea. And what would his be? Don't know. But then I would have, like, barocca would be in there. Those muji shots, the ginger and turmeric ones. It's the ginger. I had the ginger the other day and I was like. And I hate ginger anyway. But I was like. It was like fire in my mouth.
What a sign of, like, age where when you're younger, the shots you were doing when you were out and then just carrying on and now it's a little bit of ginger in your kitchen and you're like, ah. They do remind me of aftershock, though. Do you remember aftershock? Yeah, yeah. Blue or red Aftershock. Think the sugar hangover you would get when all the sugar would just be in your stomach and. Oh, God, I better see if my. Family written back once more. Oh, God. My sister's called. This is not ideal.
Are you talking. I mean, it is for content. Perfect. Are you talking about me? To me? What do I do now? Oh, is this WhatsApp? Yeah, you should just do the thing where you delete all the messages. Oh, I liked your. Your answer to. When it comes to a new partner, what's your biggest red flag? Yeah. Oh, someone just to tell you the answer. Yeah. They don't know. I know. Well, now we're just having a conversation. Yeah. Not liking animals. I do find that really weird. It's. I'd say.
I think that's probably the most sinister thing, isn't it? And also, isn't it when people. If they do stuff to animals when they're younger, that means they're going to go on to. It's like a serial killer trait. Yeah. That they kill animals and then they kill people. Yeah. But I just think if you don't like animals, it's not like a funny answer, but it is 100%. If somebody went, oh, no, they're not really. For me, my husband isn't mad for animals.
Now, he'll deny it because he knows how unusual it sounds. But if he, like, pets one of our dogs, I'm like, why are you petting him like that? It's like he doesn't know how to pet him. He'll be like, oh, I'm a bit like that, though. I love them, but I don't know how to pet a dog. I've got a cat, so I know with a cat it's that and it works, but with a dog, I'm a little bit like, I don't. I can't. So now me and him are friends now we're the same. So our cat's your favorite. I love cats.
I love dogs, but I love cats. Cats are just. Because they're a bit like me where, you know, sometimes he doesn't want affection either. Dwight. So we just leave each other alone for a whole day. That's like my dog Winston. Oh, that's good, Winston. Yeah. Winston comes up if he wants to be pet and then he doesn't. Whereas my other dog, Bertie is like a constantly. Yeah, like, he knocks my kids over and stuff. Like, if I walk into the house, my kids come over to me.
Bertie comes and like, knocks them all over to get in the way. That's the worry. Whereas a cat, I get in and sometimes I'm like, oh, that was like a long dash. And I get in and he's like, I'm fine as well. He's asleep. And I'm just on the sofa on my phone. This is perfect. Is he an indoor or an outdoor cat? He goes out. Yeah, I don't know about an in. I know a guy who has an indoor cat and the cat pisses in the toilet.
Right, Okay. I thought that was gonna be worse, but that is weirder than I Thought. I thought he was gonna say everywhere but. So it's watched him. Do you reckon that's because he's gone? With the door open and it's seen. Supposedly it's easy enough to get a cat to piss in the toilet. I mean, you don't. I wouldn't really want it, though. I want it to have its own toilet. I heard cat piss is quite, like, toxic for humans. Well, yeah. I mean, even if I hadn't had that, I wouldn't go near it.
What, you don't like cat piss? I'm going to stop drinking that then. I kind of really want a cat as well. I just haven't got one yet. I have to wait until I've moved to a house with a garden and then I'll get a cat. Yeah. And you need to be very careful with this dog. If it's knocking children over to knit. The cat over, I think you'll do. Worse than knock the cat over. Well, kittens are a vicious. They are very good at taming the dog.
Yeah. So I think the dog would need to be watching out for the kitten. I think what you have to do is feed them before they've met either side of a door. So. Because the animal's biggest worry is it's gonna take my food. But if it. If it's used to smelling the other animal while it still eats its food, happily, then they realize that they're okay. That's very clever. What's your favorite animal? Cat. Tiger. A tiger? Yeah, tiger. All orca.
I don't think you're supposed to call them killer whales anymore, are you? Orcas? Yeah. They've started really bashing. Yeah, they have. They're like, you know what? I think it's because of the killer whale thing. I think it's because of SeaWorld. They know. They do. They've seen blackfish. Have you seen blackfish? Yeah, I have seen blackfish. I'm not gonna say who it was. Someone that I know went to America and went to SeaWorld. I'm like, dude, you can't go to SeaWorld.
Yeah. And tell people about it. Yeah. You wouldn't be posted about that. No, you shouldn't go to SeaWorld. Yeah, don't go. Is main takeaway. I would never go. I wouldn't go any of the touristy stuff. No way. He says, we're in a Hard Rock Cafe jumper. I didn't buy this. I didn't go to Hard Rock Cafe. Myrtle Beach. He's been to Florida. I think it's actually in Carolina. Is Myrtle beach in Carolina? Can you Google this? I just said Florida. I kind of associate. I will Google. I'll just go.
So I really ordered that. I'll just go out of Jake Lambert. Myrtle Beach. Yeah. Because I bought this from Chester, so I don't actually know. Oh, you got it in Chester. Where is. Oh, you're right. South Carolina. South Carolina. I just love away. They've got some great news stories from there too. Because you ever see a news story and it's always like a Florida man did something. Florida, yeah. What's south? But this is like, oh, God. Little.
Little Riverman dies day after crash in North Myrtle Beach. Oh, well, it's not some light hearted. Fun for the podcast. It's not a. Wow. This woman turns losing streak around a casino. A big win. This made the news in Myrtle Beach. Do you ever hear about that man who ate the other man's face in Miami? The Florida man? Was this in 2012? I think it might have been when, like. Is this when everyone was taking the. The bath soap stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was 2012. Yeah, I remember that.
Yeah. And have you seen my dream about. I did see your dream. That's what reminded me. So professional. So you have weird dreams about. I dreamt that I was edible and I started to eat myself. Oh, God. But my fingers were like Haribo texture, you know, she's got the jelly with the white bit underneath. It looked like that. And I was like, I wonder if it actually tastes like. And it did. And I was like, that's really good. It didn't grow back. Oh, gosh. Yeah. Oh, but a carnival.
What's your man's name? Army Hammer. Army Hammer. Yeah. Well, you asked for the podcast. Oh, I loved going through your Internet history. Oh, sorry, did I send that over? I know you didn't send it over. We've been doing our own deep diving here on you. That's why I said it was starting to get a bit weird. It always gets a bit weird just before people come in because I'm like, I've gone too far. Yeah, right. But I prefer to know everything. Okay. On April 23, 2023 on Twitter. Very good.
You're still on the LDX. Well done. Not anymore. I've not tweeted for over a year. Okay, sure, you love Elon Musk, but that's okay if you're a big fan. No, Love his policies. Yes. Oh, do you know what? I. I've been to Throne for the last few minutes because a man walked past. I thought it was Phil Foden, but it's not. I think it's just one of your. Phil Foden. Yeah, I saw him at the corner of my eye. Who's Phil Foden? Plays for Man City. He has the 47 tattoo. I thought that was him.
I wouldn't have a clue. I don't. I don't. I don't tweet anymore. Instagram. Okay. You love Zuko. Okay. Marathon training isn't very fun, but. Oh, I didn't know we were playing this game. I'm now finishing my own jokes. Yeah. Say it again. Marathon training. Marathon training is. Isn't very fun, but it will definitely. Help in the long run. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Okay. You got warm, right? Do you ever want a marathon marathon?
No. No. No. And I do a lot of stuff with epilepsy charities, and they filmed a video of a little boy asking me to go and run the marathon for them. And I. I didn't do it. I think I'm going to be in Australia at the time, hopefully. I think that's too much of an ask. It's quite a lot, isn't it? Yeah. I think it'd be the biggest favor I've ever done. Yeah. I wouldn't. I do other stuff gone on to me because I had done a few 5ks and they were like, do you want to do the marathon?
Have you seen my pace? No. Yeah, you've got the data. This shouldn't happen. You know, I can't. The marathon's one day. No, I. I do other stuff with epilepsy. I'm teaching people with epilepsy how to do stand up yourself. Seem better. I do good stuff. I'm just putting that on record because it seemed like I went, nah, I. Do stuff, just not for you guys. You. You actually said that you had an epileptic seizure in Topshop trying on a pair of jeans. Yeah. Oh, God. What happened? Well, that.
So what happens? You just not. You wouldn't remember anything? No, don't really remember anything. The. The bit I would have is that you. Wait. I woke up and a lady asked me if I knew what day it was, but I didn't know that was a thing. So I was like, can you not ask someone else? Sorry, I'm going through something here. They made me buy the jeans as well. No, I had to pay for them. Yeah. No. Yeah. Because I'd wet myself in them. I had marked my territory. The jeans were mine.
I mean, they made you buy the jeans. That is. That is crazy, isn't it? The fact that a store manager would allow that to happen. Yeah. Topshop, Kingston. Oh, well, there you. Well, they're closed down now. Yeah. It's only on asos and we won't be buying it. Yeah. Unless it's something really nice. Yeah, I won that one. Yeah. Okay, here's another one. My mum and dad both failed to call me and wish me a happy birthday today. Oh. Oh, is this a joke about it?
The fact that it wasn't actually my birthday anyway? Yeah. I'd be absolutely livid if it was actually my birthday. These are quite bad. These are old. Go on Instagram. I'm better at Instagram. Let's move this over to the latest content. The people that people. The fact that you were still tweeting them, like, what year was this? 2022. That is bad. I wish I'd given up by then. Well, I liked this one. July 10, 2022. Can't get over the fact that the.
Official Wimbledon website is Wimbledon.org and not Wimbledon.net. Why isn't it.net? There'S an open goal for them. It was right there. How do they not just take that? Do you know you look like a little bit. Well, you look about 25, tiny bit like Ed Norton when I looked up at you. I get that online. I get. I get. When I post the videos, the reels, all the comments. This is where I get this guy's autistic. Or I get. I get this guy looks like Edward Norton. Or I get.
I thought this was Ellen DeGeneres. I don't see Ellen at all. Me neither. Me neither. I see. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. I don't get autistic either. Thank you. I get that a lot. Yeah, yeah. No, I don't get that off you. Oh, wow. I would be quite a fan of autistic people as well, to be honest. So you don't like me. So I don't get it from you. That's why I'm not getting it off you. Yeah. Okay. We've got a section called Ask the Comedian.
So you are obviously a comedian and we are wondering if you could have dinner with any comedian, living or dead, who would it be and why? So who's your favorite comedian? Basically? Basically, that isn't it. Yeah. Do you know, I will say my answer is going to be because I've been DMing his wife a lot recently. Oh, I'm worried. I got. I got messages from this lady and she was like, me and my husband love Your stuff. And she was like, we really love your videos. We're such big fans.
And it was Jerry Seinfeld's wife. Shut up. I said wife instead of wife. I ruined that. Jerry Seinfeld's wife. She's been DMing me me. Even yesterday she messaged me. I posted a real. And she was like, reply back. Oh, my. She shared it on her story. So we're like, friends now? I think so. I think you're gonna write a show together. Next time he's in London, he'll probably come over for dinner. I've got my in with Jerry Seinfeld. I'd prefer Larry David, but, like, I would accept Jerry.
Yeah. Is he married? Larry David? I don't think it's a good in there. They're best friends, aren't they? They are. You're in all of them. You could be doing if they. Well, if he hadn't stopped Curb. Yeah, I could have. I could have had an ear. But she's so lovely as well. Jessica Seinfeld. That's amazing. Get her on. I wish. She's lovely. I'll put in a word. Would you mind asking Jerry as well, while you're at it? Ask Jerry and then get a bit. Because I'm not sharing it.
If you clip this bit, it'd be so embarrassing. If she's like, what? No. Okay. Yeah. She'll be like, love your real loser. If you weren't a comedian, what you think you'd be doing right now? I'd still be in bed, I reckon. I know I'd probably have a proper job. I'd have to be up. I would be, I think a police officer, really. I love telling people what's right and what's wrong. And I would have done that professionally. And you like following rules? Love following rules. I love following rules.
Although I did. I went into the. My husband always does this, and I nearly die when he does it because I'm so embarrassed. But I actually went into the Fast Track in the airport and I didn't have Fast Track. It was the first time I did it, and only because I was late for the flight. Did you get in because of your unit? Well, no, because it actually. He is right. Like, you just. You tap your phone like you would anywhere else. And so it doesn't. It just works.
Yeah, well, Fast Track's gone, isn't it? Yeah. So Fast Track is a load of shit. It's gonna happen. Just everyone's too scared. Oh, I know. This is smart. I still wouldn't do it Again, though, just. Yeah, but it's not for you, is it? No, it was too much. Well, the adrenaline must have been crazy. I felt quite sick, actually. Yeah. Yeah. I bet you were, like, not fully relaxed until the plane actually took off. Still thinking they were gonna come and drag you off.
Well, I hate going through security or anything like that, because I think security at airports, because they've got so much power over you that you're just like. It's worrying. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know, I got. I was having. I had to use the word banter with Dublin Airport off the back of one of my videos. They were like. Yeah, they were, like, trying to come and work. I did. I did. I did a video about the. All the crazy rules, how it changes.
They were like, nowhere in red on Wednesdays. Take your shoes off, put them in your hands. Like, all the. The law. The rules that they say as you're going through. I had one the other day where they were like, take your belt off, but don't put the belt in the tray. Just carry it through. So we all have to walk through with our shoes off and our belts in our hands. And, like, some shoes, they're making it up. Yeah. Some shoes, you can't.
Yeah. I think that they do something every single day completely. They must go this morning, go, what is it? What should we do this time? I remember I left my watch in one of the bins before because, you know, you're in, like. I find it very stressful, girl. And like, when they call my name and I went back to get the watch and then they were really annoyed with me for getting the watch and I was like, I'm really sorry. Do you know who I get annoyed with?
People who just leave the trays there on the side. Oh, I'm putting them away. I'm like, apparently I work here now. I don't just put them away. I'm like, you know, you have to put your own trays away as I put their trail. Good, good. Yeah. Yes. Look at us. Oh, I hate that. Have you ever told a joke so bad it made you cringe while you said it? Probably a lot. Well, you kind of have to do that to try out jokes. Yeah. But I don't cringe. I just go, actually, probably just start. Start skipping.
And it would be just after you said, yeah, no, it's funny because if you're doing new material, you lean into it with people that some of this is going to be bad. And it becomes funny then. And almost the audience want the ones that don't work because they enjoy that. Because they're like, oh, wow, we're seeing this, like, real life experience. Hopefully, because they have paid for it. Hopefully that I pretend that's what they're imagining. You get a good deal on the tickets?
Yeah. Okay. We're going to finish with Snog Mario Void. Oh, okay. Jack D. Ramash or Michael. This is ridiculous. This is. Listen, it's the game. You've got to get involved. Snog Mario void. Okay, okay, okay, Okay. I will. Of Snog Ramesh. I would have said that, too. Yeah. Because I would. I wonder what, like, the beard would feel like. Yeah, I think it would be nice. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Marry and avoid. I mean, you'd want to marry Michael. Mark, I'd marry my. I'd marry Michael.
You never have to work a day in your life. That's. You give me my answer. Marry Michael and then I'll avoid Jack because I've got to think of a good reason to avoid him. Because he hasn't booked you again. What's that? Cause he hasn't booked you again. What have I avoided? Oh, no. You know what's a good reason? You don't need to give reasons. You don't need. You don't need to give a reason. We'll move on to the next one. Russell Howard. You said that was the last one. Oh, okay. We're more.
Please. Act three. Okay. You'll be glad to hear this is all men again. Russell Howard, Jimmy Carr or Jack Whitehall. Sag Maria Void. Snog Mario. If you want to shag one of them, I will accept. Okay, so it's so Jack, Russell and Jimmy. Jimmy. Okay, so I will. I. I think I. Oh, this is tough. I will. Jim. Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy tours a lot. He's out the house more than the most. He's meant to be the. Is he the hardest working man in showbiz? Is that what he's known?
I imagine he likes to tell people that. I would have thought I would. Yeah. I never even considered. He made that up himself. He'll be telling people that at dinner. I'll be rolling my eyes. We'll be in the car and away. I'm like, you always say that. No one else says it but you looking out the window. So I'd marry Jimmy. Okay. Good choice. Also, we're both from. From Slough originally, so we have stuff to talk about. Oh, my God. Slayer was meant to be the. Go on.
I don't even think Slayer's that bad to be Honest. Yeah. Well, I've been through it, but there's loads of nice places around there. But it's meant to be the most depressing town in England and you've won it, like, five times in a row. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're good at that. And that's probably why we're comedians. Yeah. Because you need to spread some light and fun. And that's what we did around Slough. Yeah. And then both escaped. Yeah. I didn't know he was from. Who? Jimmy Carson.
Slow. Yeah. Oh. So, yeah, we have the wedding there. St. Mary's there you go. That's where my mum and dad got married. Oh, did they? Yeah. Well, I'm really happy for them. Are they still married? Yeah. Well, hey, that's good. Yeah. You don't hear too much of that now. No, you don't, actually. No, they did very well. I don't. Yeah, I was. I don't know how, but they're both happily married, Happy it's too late. You know what I think it is. I noticed whenever I say, my mum gets.
Sometimes has to get up early for work because she travels a lot for work. Yeah. So before my dad goes to bed, he will put a mug out on the side with a tea bag in it, just to save for that little bit of time in the morning. Maybe that's the secret. My mom and my stepdad have been married for. God, it was over 30 years now. And he makes her breakfast in bed every morning. And once they were having a fight and she was like. And I told him, I said, I'm not having the breakfast in bed.
I was like, oh, sorry. You were punishing him, telling him not to bring you breakfast in bed. You can play chess for an extra half an hour this morning. Get lost every morning. That's a lot of breakfast in bed every morning. And when I went to stay with them, they. They like me for the first two days. They really like their own company. So for the first two days, I was all right. I was there for three days too long. Yeah. I was offered breakfast in bed. I was like, what? It's going.
What is the breakfast? Is it like just bowl of cereal? No. Or was it like toast in the little rack? Yeah, whatever you want. What did you have? Well, I said I didn't want any because I just felt like. It felt a bit. Yeah. Yeah. A bit much. Yeah. Is your mum very grand? She very posh? I wouldn't think so. No, not. Well. She got breakfast in bed every morning. Well, she must be quite. I was thinking this to like. She's giving you a very cool name.
I know, but my brother's called Frederick and Alexander. Right. Okay, so she did. Well, text messages. We need to check on your family. Okay. My mom still got early. Your mom must probably still be having her breakfast in bed. Oh, my God. My mom hasn't written back. My sister. Oh, my giddy God. She's rang twice. She said hello. You just deleted. Oh, my God. You just deleted the message. You're making me punch. Oh, yeah, of course. I'm too cool. I'm just gonna say I'm joking.
Oh, no, she's not gonna believe that now. She's gonna have to. You'll have to wait for this podcast to come out. When's this episode out? Because she's not gonna believe you until then. She's so easy to get with pranks. Like, it's actually painful. Yeah, I didn't know that going in. I was not part of this. Look at you backing out there. Okay, well, we're gonna have to stop. We've gone on for way too long. But thank you so much for coming on the pod. Where can everyone find your tour dates?
Jake Lambert, Comedy Dot com. Jake Lambert's Comedy Dot com. Are you playing in Dublin? Yeah, in February. Oh, whereabouts? Let me check out. Oh, I always like to know a Dublin date. Let's have a look. Cutting after my whole family now. I don't really have time to do. Maybe it's March. It's March. March 19th. Oh, clever. Where are you playing? Whelan's Wheelands. That's. That's good fun. Is it? Yeah, it is good fun if you're there in the 19th of March. Anyone go to England? Yeah. Thank you.
That's so nice. This has been lovely, isn't it? It's been. So maybe now if we see each other in a park, we'll be able to. You'll just be collecting branches. Yeah. I love that. I told you that. And I. I. Skipping circles and click fingers and you just went, I'm not getting autistic from you. Well, I wouldn't like to, George. You know, that's nice. You should read the comments on my videos.