Foreign. Hillary Whitehall, podcaster extraordinaire, with her husband on the withering Whitehall's amazing podcast. You have to listen. I'm gonna say comedian as well. Actress and doula. Welcome to the show. Thank you very much. So you have quite a big age gap. And you were telling me about your mum there, and your mum said, did she call you? And Michael overheard her saying, I called her. It was chr. Question of who was gonna crack first. I called her because. Is it a 23 year old?
21. 21 year age gap, yeah. Yeah. I kind of love hearing that because I'm always like, no, that's not gonna work. Obviously it has. I know. Well, of course, you know, had my daughter at the age that I was when I met Michael come back with a 44 year old, I would have said, no way. Stop. Yeah. Oh, my God. When I worked that out. And so your mom said, I knew he was old, but I didn't know. He was that old. He started talking about the war to my father, which was a mistake. I mean, he was born in.
But even so, I said, well, you walked yourself into that one. I mean, you always bring home questionable people. I certainly have, yeah. There's been quite a few mistakes, but anyway, yours wasn't a mistake. 37 years married. Excuse me, please. 37? Yeah. 30. Yeah. 37. 38. What age am I? Wait, what age? I'm 38. 38. We got married. Were you born in 86? 85. What age am I? Am I? No, I'm 38. Right, okay. We got engaged the year that you were born and married. The father. Oh, my God, that's wild.
Yeah. And my mother. I mean, I had had some real cataclysmic mistakes, as we're onto this subject. Embarrassing mistakes. Yeah. Mostly with actors, it has to be said, who are not reliable. I was gonna say, I've done a few actors, but not in that way. I've gone out with a few actors. Here's an early embarrassment to kick off this. I was going out with an actor who shall remain nameless. I mean, he was not famous. He actually ended up being a teacher. But I was dating him. And I used to.
I was living in the country at that point, and I used to come up to London to see him at the weekends and stay in his flat. And then one weekend he said, I'm not gonna be able to see you next weekend. And I said, all right. Any particular reason? He said, yes, I'm getting married. And I said, clearly not to me. Stop. Yes. Oh, my how embarrassing is that? I had no idea. His wife had no idea. I then subsequently found out really weirdly. Did they stay together? I think. I think they did, yeah.
But her name was guess what? Hillary. No. Yes. Well, no wonder he didn't get it mixed up. That was really clever. Yes. Oh my God, that's so annoying. I remember breaking up with people and finding out they cheated after. I'm like, ugh. Yeah. So annoyed. I didn't know at the time. This one just, you know, gave me both barrels once. One Sunday night I went home on the train weeping. What a creep. I know. What's something that you will never live down?
I mean, the worst moment of my entire life happened not that long ago actually. Remember when you were at school and you would get a fit of the giggles that you just could not control, Usually in an exam or if the teacher had his flies undone or something like that, where you literally know that you can't laugh but you just can't stifle it. Yeah. I remember many a school trip to the festival hall.
This would be a thing called youth and music where they used to bring us up from Kent to London to a concert. There were cheap tickets for schools and you would sit and you'd watch a concert. I remember many, many fits of the giggles where you think, I'm literally going to be escorted out of this. I love that feeling though. You literally can't stop, but there are occasions when you just have to stop, but you can't. So the worst was very recently. I mean, probably four or five years ago.
Sadly my mother died and we had her funeral and that was already sad. And really weirdly, my sister in law's mother was born on the same day as my mother and she died two weeks later. So we had two funerals in a very short space of time. And it was, you know, one's emotions were quite heightened and sharpened because we'd had this sort of, we'd been through this loss together. I mean, they were both very old but had had bad run ins. Bad, bad run ins.
Both of them were quite disabled by the time they died. The whole thing was quite traumatic in terms of the finish. Getting to the finish line was not great. Oh, so my mother's funeral was fine. Obviously I was very upset and that all went off fine except that my brother had a bad back so he had to lie down in the church and then at the wake he had to lie down and poor guy, you know, he did his. And then he was like, your mother be looking down and I'm like, one day. Yeah, exactly.
Could you just not get it together? And then there was my sister in law's funeral and my sister in law's mother's funeral, which was obviously several weeks later because she died two weeks later. Yeah. And it was at a church near their house. And I think for. For various reasons, the, the vicar who took the ceremony didn't actually know the family. It was a church that they went to, but it wasn't the regular vicar. He was on a sabbatical or something. There was some reason why he was away.
So this woman who the vicar was taking the ceremony, didn't know the family. And we arrived and they'd saved us seats in the front row and it was a sort of horseshoe shape, so the coffin was in the middle and we were sitting opposite my brother and his wife and his family. And we were sitting the other side of the coffin but facing them. Yeah. And the vicar got up to do one of the addresses and she got herself into laughing now. It's terrible.
And Jean, who died, had done wonderful, extraordinary things which I didn't know about. Like she was the first female police constable in Cornwall back in the kind of 30s or something or. That's kind of impressive. It's very impressive, yeah. So I obviously learned a lot about her. But then the vicar decided to deep delve into the family situation and started coming out with various names and statements and she said she got in a muddle. Now my grandson is called. Sorry, my nephew.
Her grandson is called Tom. Yeah. There's also George and a Grace, but this Tom is the eldest. Yeah. And she said. So Jean was very happily married for many, many, many decades to her husband who sadly died earlier and his name was. And she sort of looked down at her notes, surreptitious. And she went. And she wasn't obviously sure, so she went to Tom like that. That was it for me.
She got such a muddle and then she went on further and then when she got to the husband, because she didn't know what to say, so she looked down again and then she said, tom again. And it was like. And I could see Tom in the corner of my eye. Anyway, I lost it. I literally lost it to the point where I had to hold the order of service up. I was snorting behind it. Michael said, will you stop it? I said, I can't stop.
I was biting my hand till it bled because the more you can't laugh, the more you laugh. Anyway, I obviously had to go up to my sister in law Afterwards and I said, I am so, so sorry. She said, yeah, well, I realized that you'd lost it because she got in such a. With all the names and misnamed my father and had Tom married. Wasn't the owner. No, Tom wasn't the dad. Tom was her grandson. So she'd married off Jean to her grandson. Then she didn't know what the husband was. It was a mess.
It was a hot mess. Well, at least you apologize. I would have just tried to get away with this. I did. I did. It was not great. But we. Then we had a double whammy with them. Another church was involved, a completely different church, because my niece got married. Two years later, my niece got married and I, We. We'd all been invited. It was all fine. We went down to Winchester. I'd looked at the. I had looked at the invitation about a week before and I'd got. Everybody marched.
It was herding cats because the whole family were going. I said, right, this is what we're going to do. We're going to drive to a car park because there's nowhere to park at the church in the middle of Winchester. Yeah. We'll get changed, we'll have a sandwich and then we'll. We'll get a cab, get some Ubers over to the church and it'll all be tickety boo. So we're in this car park near their house because I knew that we would ultimately end up at their house.
And we're all getting changed and we're having an M S sandwich. It's all going very well. We're all very relaxed. I'm so. Egg and crest sandwich. Yep. Smoked salmon, egg and cress. Yeah. Having cheese. Very relaxed. I said, right, well, I suppose we better go. We get, get the Ubers and we get over to the church and it's in the middle of this amazing enclave, very historic enclave in Winchester by the is. It's called Saint Cross. We get into the enclave and I'm. I said, it's quite quiet here.
It's quite quiet. We get into the church and obviously we have. I've got the timings wrong, Very badly wrong. So they're singing a hymn and I then think, oh, my God. I said, we can't go down the front because they're going to know we're that late. So I said, just come up. So we then find a row of seats up the back and we sneak in and we sit down. I am horrified with myself. So I actually burst into tears because I think I cannot believe I'VE done this again. I cannot believe I've done it.
To the same family. To the same family. I'd be thrilled. I don't love weddings. Well, Michael hates weddings. He was there under sufferance. Anyway, so he was absolutely made up. He said, great. Because they sang the hymn and then the bride and groom came up there and we. I'd pulled it together by then. We then, you know, did all the waving and great, lovely. We're here. We then spent the entire wedding not mentioning it at all. We didn't mention. I thought, we've got away with it. We're okay.
So we. We went to the reception, we had dinner. We all. We danced. We had a jolly time. It was all marvelous. And then off we. We then left at midnight. I said, thank you. That was amazing. Thank you so much. All of that. It was all lovely. And they said, oh, it's so great that you could all make it. We went home three months later, the subject of the wedding comes up, and I make a remark about the service, and my brother said, well, I don't know. Know how that. You know that.
Because you weren't there. I said, I beg your pardon? He said, the videographer was very amused when you came in and followed you across the church with. So she. Little cow. She followed us across the church and we said. He said, I thought I could see that you were a little bit upset. Weren't you, up the back there. Oh, my God. She felt you're crying. Yes. Yes. Three months he waited to drop that little bombshell that they'd known about the fact that we did. But you know what?
I just think at least you bothered your Horus. We were gone. We did. Did. I should have just fessed up, though. Do you want another embarrassing thing? Because I. It was quite. Well, it was. Yeah, it was quite embarrassing. It was more embarrassing for Jack. But we. Jack and Michael have just the end of last year, filmed a new series for Netflix called Fatherhood With My Father, which is a sort of extension of Travels with My Father, which they did for five series.
Yeah. And with Travels, I became more and more involved, partly because Michael couldn't do as much as he. As he could do before insurance, etc. Anyway, so I did various things on this show that Michael was not able to do, usually for insurance purposes. And one of them was that Jack and I did something called a sweat lodge. Have you ever been in a sweat. Do you know about sweat lodges? No. Okay. Sounds smelly. It's a spiritual. It was quite smelly. Yeah. Yeah. Spiritual. Thing.
There is a sort of. Yeah, there's a spiritual sort of transcendental thing about it. And the health benefits, of course, as well. Okay. I think there are lots of studies saying that extreme heat and extreme cold are very good for you. I'll do that. I just don't like. I don't like being in a sauna with someone else. Okay. You would loathe the sweat because it was. As it turned out, it was. I mean, tent is a kind word.
It was a sort of structure with tarpaulins and blankets and things strung over a sort of frame made of wood. I mean, branches and things. And then inside the sweat lodge, there were lots of old sleeping bags on the floor and. Oh, no. Getting into other people's sweat bags. Well, you're not getting into them. You're just sitting on them. That's bad enough. But also, in the middle of it is a pit.
Outside the sweat lodge is a fire where they heat these stones to extreme temperatures and then they throw them into the pit in the middle of this structure. And then they shut the tarpaulin. And you're in complete darkness in this extreme heat. And then obviously you do incantations, etc. Etc. And you're in there for hours. That's. Honestly, that sounds like my. How much would I hate that? That is my idea of hell on earth. Yep. With strangers.
Oh, God. So in this case, a married stranger and a woman and the married stranger. I don't think this made the cut on the edit. But the lady, when she was doing her. What she was grateful for in life was her sex life with the man who was sitting next to her. And I was sitting. He was sitting between her and me. And I thought, okay, too much information. I'm not sure. I'm in the dark. I don't know them. And they're talking about their sex life. Quite weird.
Anyway, I had gone in in a swimming costume. Jack had gone in in a pair of shorts. I'm telling you, Vogue. The heat was indescribable to the point that I took my swimming costume off. Cause I thought, I cannot. I couldn't bear it on my skin. But it was all dark, so it was fine. But then, of course, there's the moment when you've gotta come out. And I couldn't find the swimming costume. By then it had got enmeshed in all the sleeping pants. And I thought, I'll just come out. So I came out.
Jack was doing a talking head to camera, and I emerged out of this structure and he Said, mother, what are you doing? I said, it was. I obviously covered myself. I said, it was so hot and I couldn't bear it. I said, I did longer than you then. Anyway, I. Obviously, they have pixelated that moment. But then there was an even more embarrassing moment when we then had to do a talking head together afterwards. And I just. I'd sort of got into it once you're in there.
We were in there for a very long time. It was several hours, and it was weirdly, quite transformational. So they were. The director was asking me what I thought of it, and I said, you know what? Really weirdly. And I was holding a towel around me at that point. I just. Really weirdly, I did find it quite sort of uplifting. And I did that because the towel dropped. The whole crew erupted. They couldn't believe that I'd done it.
And again, quite embarrassing because I just wasn't thinking, you know, I wasn't thinking. There's a crew there. There's strangers there. My son is standing there. He went, mother, what? Could you move and pick the towel up? I feel very embarrassed if I saw my mom naked. We're not a very naked family. We used to be, but I'm. I mean, the cellulites got out of control now. So I'm less of a naked family than I was. I want to know.
I think this is because I know you believe in supernatural, which I do, and your husband doesn't, and my husband doesn't. Well, he kind of does, I guess. But I really believe in ghosts. Michael definitely doesn't. I'm. I'm open to suggestions. Does he think he's just gonna die and just be dead? Well, he's a Catholic. I mean, a lapsed Catholic. He says he thinks he's just gonna die and be dead, but when he's. In it, we think we're coming guard to God.
Well, when he's on the back of my scooter, when it's not been nicked, although I've replaced it, when he's on the back of the scooter, I'm giving him a lift somewhere, which I still do. He's always saying the Hail Mary in my ear, and I go, sorry, I thought you were lapsed. We honestly weave through the traffic. I wouldn't call myself a Catholic, but if I lose anything, I' straight on to St. Anthony. I'm like, where is it? Okay. Are there any conspiracy theories that you secretly believe in?
I'm not. Well, I've always, always slightly questioned the moon. Did we Land on the moon. All that business of the flags and the, you know, the shadows are wrong and. I don't know, were they in a studio? There's just been a movie about it, hasn't there? With Scarlet? Is it Scarlet Johansson? And is it Ryan Reynolds? Forget. I'd never want spacey stuff. It freaks me out. Like I'd never want to go to space. No, neither would I. I can't think why anybody does. Why it' but like also this, this.
This obsession with getting to Mars. You think, right. So you've mucked up this planet and now you're gonna go muck up another one. Yeah, I just sort this one out. I don't know how I know that, but someone said it. Oh, does it? Okay, supposedly I heard Mars stinks, but like the conspiracies around aliens and stuff. I'm kind of starting to believe in aliens. What's up that area? Area? What's Area 51? Isn't it Area 51 in America? I know Tom Cruise and John Travolta. They have to be alien.
They can't not be. We once had a very unfortunate experience on that cruise ship that's owned by that lot. We were in Barbados. Scientologist. Yes, we were in Barbados with the kids. This was years ago. Jack must have been about. I don't think I'd even had Barney, so he must have been about three and Molly was two and we'd gone off to, as you do when the children are that age, you can't sit by a pool for hours on end and read a book. That doesn't happen.
So we'd gone to the harbor to look at ships. In the harbor was this huge cruise ship. And as we were, you know, standing alongside it looking at it, this man in a white uniform came out American and said, oh, hi, Hi you folks. What are you doing? I said, oh, we're just trying to entertain the children, you know, as you do. Would you like to come and have a look inside? We went, yeah, great, yes, hello. Cuz he was in a uniform. Jack was thinking, oh, it's a sailor in a uniform.
Yeah, I'd like to get in the ship. So off we trudge up the. Trudge up the gang plank and as we get into the sort of main reception bit of the ship, there's an enormous picture of L. Ron Hubbard. And I looked at Michael and I went, okay, we're into some quite, oh, hello, some odd territory here. And then these very beautiful women, like your good self, arrived in uniform, said, oh, hi, can we get you a drink. Would you like anything to drink? Would the children like a drink?
Yeah, you can try and buy us for sure. Yeah. Would you like to see the bridge? And it was like I said to my, I think we won't need to make this quite short. Oh, my God. So we go up to the bridge and have a look up there and it's very exciting. And then he said, well, we're. We're leaving tomorrow. If you want to come and wave us goodbye, you know, you could maybe. We could maybe even arrange for you to be on the ship as we go and then we could send you back with the little tender.
And I went, great. Yeah. Okay, leave that with me. Thank you so much. Such a nap time and stuff. I just don't know. So I'll let you know. Yeah. Anyway, we got off the ship and I said to Michael, okay, that was all quite strange. And they have a cruise ship where presumably they have seminars and all sorts. They've so much cash, though. They've like Tom Cruise, like, fills their pockets with cash. And Travolta, presumably in his day as well.
Yeah. But there I say, do you know, I honestly, allegedly. Do I have to say that allegedly. We do have to say allegedly. I think that they could all be aliens. Is there anything you're really good at? I'm very good at wittering. That's why I do a podcast called the Wittering White Horse with Michael. Because he's not good at wittering. I do the heavy lifting, wittering. He just does anecdotes that are not related to the questions that were emailing. Emailed into us.
Oh, my God. Okay, so actually I want to talk to you about. Because I asked people, I did a shout out for you and what people wanted to know about you. And a lot of people wanted to know how you more or less haven't killed your husband after 37 years. Well, that's a very good question. And let me tell you, it does not get any easier. I can give you out there. No. Hope everyone listening. It doesn't get any easier. I imagine you have like, I don't think. Would he put a foot wrong with you?
Frequently. Okay. Frequently. This is only this very morning. Somebody gave us, over the weekend, an amazing bunch of cornflowers, beautiful cornflowers that he'd put into various vases. And then I, for various reasons, I said, right, you're gonna have to sort those flowers out because it's not working for. Go and sort them out. So he took them to the kitchen sink. He cut all the ends off and stripped off some of the foliage. And there was a wrapper involved. And I came back down.
He was sitting upstairs reading the newspaper with, has to be admitted, some beautiful looking vases of flowers dotted around the house. I went back to the kitchen. Carnage. Absolute carnage. So I went up and I said, as he was reading the paper, I said, when I ask you to do the flowers, it would be good if you could actually complete the job. He said, well, I have. Look, they're all lovely. I said, yes, have the kitchen sing. He said, well, I'm halfway through it.
I said, you're just having a little break to read the paper, are you? Because there's cuttings everywhere and paper water everywhere. He said, well, I was gonna clear it up later. I said, don't bother. I've done it. It's always a halfway there. It's like with Sveni. Like, if he offers to cook, I'm like, no, thanks. Cause if he cooks every item, it's all over. It's on the ceiling. I'm like, just don't bother. I'm not. I'd rather starve, actually. Then I have to deal with that.
I need to know, though, does it taste good? He's very good at cooking. It's not worth it, though. It's like, my brother cooked me fajitas last night. Not a pan left over. Nothing. I know. It's a boy thing. Jack and Barney are like that. Absolutely. Do they cook? Oh, they're fabulous cooks. They're very adventurous, though. So every single item is used. And then he'll say things like, do you have any Moroccan saffron? And I get. Pardon? I've got Spanish saffron. A spoon Moroccan.
Or whatever you think. Really? I didn't even know there were different types of saffron. What am I eating exactly? Do you have any Himalayan rock salt? No. I've got some Anglesey sea salt. Yeah, it's not the same. Okay. Imogen wanted to know, how are you always in such a happy mood? I think I. It was trained into me. I had three older brothers, I mean. Oh, so you're just battered. If you were whinging, just. Yeah, exactly. You've got to be happy, otherwise you get mocked mercilessly.
True. Yeah. Which is important at a young age, I think. Also, I always feel that I was the. I went to boarding school and I. From one age. From 12. Oh, that's okay. Yeah, from 12. And I was in a dormitory of 12, of which, sadly, two are no longer with us. But the rest of us, the 10 of us are still going and we have reunions. In fact, there's one coming up in September. We're all going away for the weekend together. Where are you going? We're going to Oxfordshire. Oh, very Oxfordshire.
Oxfordshire. And we're going for the weekend. So it'll be four days. And it's funny how we all slip into the roles that we had when we were 12, 13. So I think I was the dormitory clown. Oh really? It was. I felt it was incumbent upon me to keep everybody happy and you know, when they were having a, an emotional. Crisis it would be have you as a comedian. That's what I've written a little tiny, like a very short bio about you. But part of it was comedian.
Ah, well you see, Jack did get his funny bones from his dad but I like to think he got some of them from me. Oh, I think so. But I had one saying, how do you find parenting a 17 year old Jack? As if Jack would have been the naughty one. He was eccentric, that's for sure. He was quite challenged. No, Molly was not challenging at all. The girl wasn't challenging. Do you know why though? Because she was very small and she didn't, she didn't grow till she was about weird.
I had two like that, 16, 17. So she was always a bit frightened about going out. Oh. Because I was huge. That's why I was. Yeah, I'm on it. Yeah. Yeah. Molly used to think, do I really want to go on a bus or really? Because I'm so. Because she's so small. I already know Molly's your favorite child. Is she your favorite child? No, I wouldn't say I have a favorite. Because you love them all differently. You do. She's the, she's the easiest child. That's to me what's like.
I know that parents have a favorite child because I coming from the least favorite child I know. Yeah. I came up the ranks though. Listen, happy ending. And I'm definitely the favorite favorite now. Yeah. My parents, I felt because I was a, a girl born in the 60s, I definitely felt although the sort of, you know, women's lib movement had got going by then, I definitely felt it was a man's world. So I definitely felt that my brothers had privileges that I didn't have. Oh really?
Yeah. Did you try and stand out a bit more then because of that? I think I was a bit of a tomboy when I was a child because I thought they have a better time of it. Much better time of it. Hang on a second. So you were amazing at football. I was like two older brothers. I know, but I was reading I deep diving you on it on Saturday. So you're amazing at football. And when you were 12, you were still playing for the boys team. I was, but there was nowhere you could play.
There was nowhere to change. It was all, you know. And then there was a lot of abuse when I got there from the other team, mostly from the parents saying, why have you got a girl in your team? It's not allowed. And there was not actually anything to say that it wasn't. But I probably was physically a bit bigger than some of them at that stage too, because obviously sometimes girls develop a bit quicker than boys. Yeah. So I was quite strong. And then what?
You couldn't be on the team because it was deemed inappropriate? And there was. For the reason. I mean, I think probably I'd started to hit puberty. So then there was. There was a sort of bra situation and all of that going on, and they just thought it was inappropriate. There was nowhere for me to change and, I mean, I did used to turn up ready change, you know, but I couldn't have a shower or anything. Like that, you know, you could have been a lioness.
I mean, if I had been born later, I could have been a lioness. This. I wanted to ask you this, especially you, because suppose you're amazing cook. I do like a bit of cooking. I would say I'm an everyday cook. I'm an everyday cook. The thing that annoys Molly and I, going back to what we talked about earlier in the episode. When men cook, we have to go into sort of full homage mode about how amazing it is. And Molly said, yeah, Mummy and I cook for the other, you know, 362 days of the year.
Yeah. And nobody ever mentions it. It. We have to plan, cook shop, you know, all of that. Yeah, but it's kind of like that with everything with men. Yeah. Like, Spenny once took our son to. To Dublin and he was on the flight and his own, he goes, all these people were just congratulating me. And I thought, well, you. The amount of times I've flown on my own with all of them and no one says congratulations to me. Yeah. But anyway, who would you.
Right, you can say one person, but if you have three, say three, dead or alive, who would you not invite to your dinner party? Nigel Farage. I think he could be a bit of crack. Imagine the shit he'd say. Yeah, he could be. It's like Donald Trump. He's so awful. Yeah. But it could be entertaining. That's true, actually. You were very quick with fresh. Yeah, well, I think. Yeah, I think he's caused a bit of carnage, isn't he? Harry Kane. Why Harry Kane did he do bad at the football?
Because all my boys are Gooners and they would not appreciate me sitting next to Harry Kane and dinner. What's a Gooner? They support Arsenal. The only thing I know about Arsenal is that long coat that Arsene Wenger used to wear. And I used to work it out. Why is he always wearing that? Weird. One of the most intelligent men in football. He could speak five languages and had degrees in philosophy. Who, arson? Wenger? Yeah. Couldn't zip up a coat. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so Harry Kane's not coming.
Harry Kane. He doesn't strike me as like. He'd have loads of things to chat about that weren't football. Yeah, I think it might be quite limited to football. Yeah. I mean, this. As I said, there's the obvious ones. Mr. Trump. I'm not sure I'd want to sit with Mr. Trump for a whole evening. I think he'd be quite fascinating. He would. I think he's insane. Oh, he is insane. Yeah. 100. Yeah. I mean, my problem is that I'm fascinated by people.
So, actually, generally speaking, I would love to sit next to anybody because I'd wink. I mean, even Harry Kane, I'd winkle something out of him. Yeah, I'm real nosy like that as well. I love knowing about people. So do I. So do I. Michael, on the other hand, is quite happy to know nothing about anybody. He gets really annoyed when I strike up conversations with people. It's like, why? Why? Why do you care? I love small talks. Fanny doesn't do small talk either. Does he not?
I feel like they're quite similar. They are very similar. Although Michael never done a marathon. Okay, if you had to take to crime, what would your crime be? Ideally, something that doesn't necessarily affect people. You know, I wouldn't. I wouldn't do one of the sort of massive, big ones. Murdering. Definitely. Out. I couldn't do it. I couldn't. I have difficulty killing a wasp. I can't even. I'm very allergic to them. All right, what happens when you get. Very, very bad swelling?
I once got cellulitis on. I got stung on the foot when I was running. My whole leg became blistered and it's like a nightmare. Yeah, I'm very allergic to stingy, bitey things. I just got stung with A bee. It's. That's so annoying as well. Yeah. So what crime would you do? Because I was thinking, if I had. To, I might do. What's the word? You know when you're in a company and you do some fraud. Massive company. Yeah. Defrauding a big company. You can make a lot of money from that.
Yeah. Yeah. I reckon I'd steal. I might trespass, though, as well, because I'd love to get. You know, I'd love to go into or Blenheim palace or something and go and have a, you know, night in a tent in Blenheim palace or. Sorry, you've just reminded me of something of you. Yes. Did you. For the Queen's Jubilee, did you camp outside? I did, yes. Yes. You were one of those people. I was one of those people. Why were you looking at a lot of soldiers and policemen most of the time, and barriers.
But I had a. I made. Did you not hear the backstory on it? No. Okay. So the backstory to this is that I was. When. I was. When Princess Diana and Charles got married. Yeah. And Diana. When I were born in the same year. We were almost the same age. 19. I was obsessed with Diana. I loved Diana. Yeah. And so she was getting married. I was trying to carve out a career in showbiz, not very successfully. I was an ASM in Southport for a summer show on the. On the front.
And we watched the royal wedding with my beloved Diana. In fairness, everyone loves Diana, I will give you that. I have to say, I also love Camila. He's been bloody lucky to have two such fabulous wives. He must be pretty sound. He's got to be something about him, because he's had two absolute crackers. Yeah. In different ways, obviously. Yeah. But anyway, I was watching him get married, Diana. And we were in Southport in. We would.
We'd been asked by a local hotel if we'd like to go there and watch it on their television with the cast. And they were going to do a little spread for us, but it was quite a crowded room and it. Not a huge television. Yeah. So we were sort of straining to see all the detail of it and everything. And Leslie said, this is actually quite. Isn't it? It's not a great. I said, no, but at least they. You know, they're making an effort and we're watching it, etc. And she said.
I said, maybe when he gets crowned, we should actually be there. And she said, oh, absolutely. We need to be in the mall on his coronation. So I said, great. Okay, let's we did a sort of, you know, twinny sisters thing that we were going to be in the mall when he got crowned. And he did it. Well, we did it. She by then was in her late 70s and quite late nights. Two nights. She did one night. So I said, I'm gonna go and pitch the tent. I'll do one night without you.
And I was with another friend who weirdly is also in his 70s, with his daughter and granddaughter. So there's a little tent. Yes. Oh, my God. Then I went. I then went off on. Said pink scooter. Yeah. And I went. I went and picked her up on the scooter. I brought her back. I brought her back. And her son. She has a son. And he said, you won't kill her, will you? I said, no, no, no, I won't kill her. I'll look after. And I. I bought a little chair that reclined and everything.
Anyway, we did a night that's actually kind of cute. Like, that's a best. Best childhood. Yeah. Like. Yeah. Swear to. So we loved it because I. I really did. I thought we'd got way past it. And when he. I just don't think I love anyone. The. Someone. Someone attacked me and I was doing a radio show saying. They text in saying that they'd queued for Michael Jackson tickets for 36 hours. I just don't think there's anybody I love that much. You wouldn't do it? No. Nobody. Not one person?
No. Interesting. No. Did you now. Did you queue for the coffin? I didn't, but because we were actually away. Would you have. I. I didn't queue for the. I would have done. I would have queued for the coffin. But I then went. I did actually go the day they moved her coffin from Buckingham palace to Westminster Abbey. Yeah. I went and stood in Whitehall. Of course I stood in Whitehall. I'm a Whitehall. Yeah, yeah. Which is where we tend to go when there's any kind of royal event.
There was a Whitehall in Whitehall, so I paid my respects as she went past them. I want to ask you about drinking stuff, only because I know you're after years. Well done. I am, yeah. Have you ever been the drunk person on the plane? Never. I sat next to someone the other day, we went to Mykonos and there was a couple next to me. They had nine glasses of champagne each on the flight to Mykonos. And at one point when she was going for her ninth, I caught her eye and she went.
It's the first time we've been away without Our children. I said, you go for it, girl. Nine. Just don't talk to me. Just nine. Nine. I don't want to leave a bottle with her. Yeah, they might as well. Yeah. What's the most hungover you've ever been? Oh my God. My 30th wedding anniversary. Oh, really? Yeah, we had a dinner at the Garrett Club. Michael is a member of the Garrick Club Club. So we had a dinner for 50 people and it was lovely. Speeches, etc, great fun. Midnight wrapped up.
We actually had a room booked at the garage. Midnight. And that was your worst hangover? Well, we had a room booked at the Garrett Club. Yes, you can stay the night there. And Molly and Toby came, they said, oh, we'll come and have a nightcap with you. So they come up and they brought a full bottle of Cointreau. Oh, no. I mean Cointreau is absolutely lethal. I thought that was just for cocktails. Was. No, it's for, it's for. It's an after dinner drink. You're meant to have one on ice.
I mean like one. Oh, like a Bailey's. Yes, like a Bailey's. It's orange and it's very sweet and very sickly. Big favorite of my husband. So we had a couple of Cointros or so I thought. The following morning I woke up in all my clothes with a half empty bottle of Cointreau next to me ahead, the like of which I have not had for decades. The room was spinning, I felt sick as a dog, but I was still in my clothes. Michael was asleep next to me in the correct attire for going to sleep.
Oh, he just ditched you? He just. I apparently Molly and Toby got up, said, right, we've got to go. I got up, so I've got to go to bed. And I literally collapsed onto the bed in my clothes. They just left me there. It's outrageous. It's outrageous. I was in my 50s, my early 50s. It's terrible behavior. Anyway, I've not been that drunk since because it was many days for me to recover. Weirdest place you've ever fallen asleep. Put this in the booze section. Yeah, apart from the mal.
You mean during the coronation. I've fallen asleep in the theater a few times. Here's a little life hack for you, your listeners. If you're going to fall asleep in a theater, always fall forward, not backwards because you'll always snore if you're backwards and the actors will see. Oh. So if you're gonna go to sleep. But it is quite embarrassing when you Then snore because people nudge you, and it's. That's embarrassing.
Oh, God. My brother fell asleep in the pantomime recently when we went to Christmas. And I, like, it was so loud. I. I wasn't even annoyed. I was impressed. Yeah. How did you manage? Yeah. Have you ever robbed anything? No. No. I would feel so guilty. Well, I say that I stole a box of tissues from the Soho farmhouse the other day, but. Oh, I should probably say that I thought. I think they can survive without thought.
I'd just take the box of tissues because I had terrible hay fever and I was sneezing all over the place, and I didn't have anything with me, so I thought, I'll just go into the changing room, just get a box of tissues. My sister used to rob the blue roll from work. Do you remember blue roll? Because she'd be like, oh, well, at least we don't have to buy kitchen roll. I'm like, oh, it just looks so grim as well. Just don't rob that. So I've just realized what.
Also, I guess it would actually be robbing. I'm obsessed with the shampoos and conditioners in hotels. I will always take them with me, even if I haven't used them. The little ones. Amazing. Now, is that stealing or is that. They're there for your use. They're there for your use. I don't think that's stealing. You can take them. You can't take the. The robes. No, no, I've never taken a robe. I've bought a robe on occasions. No, I've actually got too many robes. Yeah. I haven't.
Say, we went to Netflix the other day and I went to their canteen, and I want to work at Netflix. I mean, the kleptomaniac in me free canteen. I mean, the food was. There was anything that you could ever have thought of to eat or drink. There was sort of hot food. There were, like, five choices of hot food. Then there was a salad bar. Then there was endless sweets, and there were snacks. There were crisps. There were sandwiches. I mean, I've never seen so much food.
I would be 84 stone if I worked at Netflix. I think what I would do if I worked there is I'd have my lunch and then I'd get a takeaway box for my dinner. Yeah. Okay. I love a deal. Okay. Is it stealing to make. When the children were little, when we used to go to a hotel and there was a breakfast buffet, Is it stealing to make lunch? No buffet, no ham and cheese. Croissant at lunch. For lunch. And they used to say can we just not have fish and chips?
I said, no, I've made you a ham and cheese croissant. I used to do that. Only I think when I was like 19 into raiding. I remember I used to do that with my boyfriend at the time. Always. Yeah. Cuz the food goes to wait. Yes. And some buffets. I was, I was on tour with my husband in Dubai and. And this hotel has a buffet that starts at 7, finishes at 11. So it's their own fault. So you can go in at seven and have round one and then they. Let you go back for lunch.
You can have, yeah, just have a, a little 1044 lunch in Dubai. Yeah, well of course, presumably they have things like I, I'm always amazed when we've traveled abroad and on a breakfast buffet you can have things like currants. I love it. Yeah. There's a big range of food stuffs that people eat for breakfast. I could have Chinese food in the morning, like very happily. Quite. Absolutely delicious. A sweet and sour pork spare rib. We're gonna finish, right? Yeah. On a quick fire ranch.
Yeah. These are the most important questions. Is Marmite involved? No. Oh, okay. Marmite. Do you like Marmite? I love Marmites. Oh, do you like Bofferl? No. Okay. Do you wash your feet in the shower or do you let the water run over them? I do not shower, I only bath. What? I know my husband and I are very bath driven and orientated as indeed are two of my children, my boys, we love a bath. It's thinking time every day. Every day. Like at what time? Usually in the morning.
Oh my God. My mom has a bath every day. Do you share bath water? It depends how much of a hurry I'm in. I quite. It will always be me getting into Michael's rather than the other way around. Oh, you see, my mom wouldn't get into my stepdad, she'd get into her. Oh no, you're just swimming around in dirt. Quite often Michael will have two baths a day because it's very much his reading time, thinking time. He loves a bath. For a man who can't swim, it's quite interesting.
That's why he doesn't like a shower because he just can't bear water on his face. That's very interesting though. Yeah. Okay. When you're 90, would you rather have the body or the face of a 25 year old? Oh, do you know what the body. No, sorry. The body or the mind? Oh, the body of the mind or the mind mind. Yeah, I am. And I would have thought I would have been a more face body girl. No mind, definitely.
And my father had dementia and he was a very, very, very clever man and to see it stripped away to the point that you couldn't even make a cup of tea at the end. Oh God, you know, it's terrible. You definitely want. I'd want the mind. We had another friend who had a stroke and she ended up bedridden and for her limited. Yeah, she didn't last. I mean she lasted 18 months and limited communication, but mentally absolutely on it.
So we'd be having a conversation and she'd suddenly do this with her good hand and then she'd say it was Ronnie, not Reggie or whatever, you know. Yeah. She was absolutely honest it but physically shot to bits. I think I'd rather that though. Yeah, me too. Know what's going on. Yeah. Fight one horse sized duck or ten duck sized horses? I think the latter. Yeah. Yeah. Pineapple on pizza. No, no. Wrong on all levels. Sometimes I like barbecue sauce instead of tomato sauce. I'm sorry.
Okay. Yeah. My son in law obsessed with barbecue sauce. Yeah. And mint sauce. Yeah. Does a straw have one hole or two? Two. Or is it the same hole? That's what I. Yeah, I think it's one. Is water wet? Yes. You're going to be leaving here now. Thinking of these questions. I am, I am. I'm also thinking about my son in law, Toby, who I love and adore who said the other day, a barbecue is not a barbecue without barbecue sauce.
We went to a barbecue the other day and I had to go to the shops and buy barbecue sauce. How hideous. I actually forgot to ask you one thing that I really wanted to ask you. Yeah. You trained as a doula. I did. That's amazing. I loved it. I did 10 years of being postnatal doula. Oh, postnatal. Did you? Yeah. I wasn't there for the birth because I. You've got to be on call the whole time. Oh no. Because you could be called at any point to a birth and I just couldn't commit to that.
So I used to go in very early doors afterwards. I loved it. We went for lunch the other day with some friends of Molly's and I'd completely forgotten that I doulaed for her daughter nearly 18 years ago and I walked in, there she was, only fell upon one another and then suddenly this 18 year old young man came up and said, hello, I'm Lucas, you used to look after me. It was lovely to see him. It's such a cool job. I love anything to do with babies. Yeah, I love babies. Me too. Too much.
I love my grandbabies now. I know. That's the nice way to have it, I suppose, where you can give them back. Yeah. Y. Thank you so much for coming on, everybody. Sorry if I talk too much. I loved how much you talked. I could honestly talk to you for hours and hours and hours. I was warned about this. Thank you so much. It's a great pleasure. I'm gonna leave you with one more embarrassment. Go. Michael had a very, very fierce client who was a director. Yeah. And very, very well and well known.
He was called Christopher Morahan. And he was terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. But hugely talented. And he had an opening night at the Chichester Festival Theatre. Guess whose phone went off in his play as I was sitting next to him. I then, in my. In my absolute horror and embarrassment of trying to get it out, then dropped it and it went down the seat in the robe ahead of. Ahead of me. It was so awful. Did you start crying in inwardly? Yes, I had to.
I mean, there was a lot of apologies had to be done. That's more embarrassing than the funeral. That should have been top of your embarrassment. Well. Well, you could say nobody died. See what I did there? Vogue. It's been so lovely to chat to you. Thank you so much. Honor to be in your company. Thank you. You too. You're a great crack.