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Hey. Hi. You're still here. The earliest flight Camilla could get me was later today. Oh. Well, thanks for coming. Shouldn't you be sitting up there with your family? We haven't really talked since yesterday's... Steel cage match? Bust up. Are you doing okay? You're sweating a lot. Yes, I'm fine. The Latin is making me a little nauseous. We can go outside if you like. I'm fine.
What about you? Are you okay? I feel like screaming and ripping up pews. Is that okay? It's not okay. But it is normal. Yeah. Normal. Normal's good. From the primordial fire we came, unto the primordial fire we'll return. The bearer of light waits for us upon the frozen lake. May he rise again. Right. Okay. Liturgy of the Damned. Unholy Psalm.
Black communion? No, no, no. We did that at the start. Would you believe this is my first black mass, folks? I'm not even an evil priest. I'm just a regular one. You will acolyte Hester. God rest his soul. Ask me to fill in for him. He's not dead. Just temporarily disconnected from his soul, apparently. At least that's what his message said on my answering machine. I'm not in the habit of keeping the company of evil people. Oh, um, but we're in the same fantasy football league.
Let's just say my starting lineup is looking really good this season. Ah, here we go. Let's see. Victor's uncommonly handsome son would like to say a few words. Oh, no. Thank you, Father Damien, for subbing in at the last moment. That was a lovely black mass. Very creative use of red crate paper. I think almost everyone here knows me. I like to talk a lot. Dad used to say he gave me a politician's tongue. You might have meant that literally. But the words aren't coming easily today.
My dad was a complicated person. I don't think it's controversial to say that he was a hard man to love. A hard man to even like sometimes. He was cold and standoffish. Stuck in his ways. But I never doubt him. That he loved us. Sorry. I see his love in the stitches crisscrossing the back of my hand. In the careful selection of form and anatomy. In the precise symmetry, I see staring back at me in the mirror. Can you believe this bullshit?
But most of all, I see his love in my brother Frank. What? After all, how bad could he have been if he made someone as joyful and alive as Frank? Frank? I'm sorry. I have to go. No, no, no, no, no, I'm not, I'm not, I'm just... Sorry, I just kind of need to. Yeah, I have to. I just need to get past.
Here, and, uh... Oh, and there he goes, folks. I guess that means it's time for the festival. Mom, Frank, and I would like everyone to join us in the gardens for refreshments and carnival rides, followed by a traditional demon summoning. You'll just follow my fleeing brother I'm sorry. Hey, it is okay. Can you believe that? Yeah, it was really... Nice. He didn't actually say anything about the doc.
He just talked around him and made it seem like he was the super great dad. I think he was just making the best of a bad situation. Instead of dwelling on the past, he used it as an opportunity to say what he was thankful for. No, he tricked them. He did word magic and made everyone feel good about a guy who sucked 100% of the time. It is a eulogy, Frank. What do you want him to say? My dad was an awful human being, let us go eat corn dogs. Yeah, that was perfect.
Let's go back in, and you can say that in front of everybody. I feel like we might be losing sight of reality. I feel like reality has run me over with its car and is fleeing the scene. Porphy is not wrong, you know? Oh, what? Dad put all his love into making my brother super bangable? No. For a total asshole, he made a very nice prank. You know you don't have to be nice to me just because of the dead dad thing. I know I messed up yesterday. Honestly, I don't know how I feel about you right now.
You went straight to violence when confronted by your brother. Old habits. But holy shit, did I underestimate how imbalanced your family is. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it somewhere. Yes, you did. Hey, where are you going? I don't know. I think I'm gonna steal some fried food and hide my room until the demon summoning. You know my flight is not for a couple of hours.
We could check out the festival, maybe fit in some funeral rites. You don't have to pity hangout with me. It is not a pity hangout. You talked up this strangeness so much I have to see it with my own eyes. And it would be joyless without you. Really? Yes, really. Also, and don't make a big deal out of this, it was a little hot when you punched Purphy for me. Really?
I didn't know you were into that sort of thing. I said don't make a big deal out of it. All I wish to say is that my feelings on the matter are not black and white. Maybe I am a little mad at you. Maybe I feel partly irresponsible. Maybe you regret forming a secret anti-Frank alliance with Purphy? Trust me, there is no anti-Frank alliance. I'm pretty sure your family hates me. They don't hate you. They just resent you for meddling. Okay. How is that any better? Who knows?
When you said festival, I was picturing a tent and a margarita machine. No, I told you. It's like a whole thing. It is like a state fair. You have a ferris wheel. Yeah. Made out of bone. Just like the state fair. And a roller coaster. And a hot dog stand run by a New Jersey demon family. And a cryptid museum, but all the cryptids are just normal men. Wow, this is way too much. I'm barely going to be able to scratch the surface. How much time have we got left? I should leave in about an hour.
Oh, okay, uh, we can speedrun, just the best stuff. Let's see. We have to do the organ scrambler. And the bean splitter. The pants inverter is under construction. Oh, do we have time for the haunted bathroom? What about the bone wheel? I did want to take you on the bone wheel, but it takes so long. There's your mom. What? Over by the boost truck.
You want to check on her? Kinda. But we don't have time. It's fine. I'm going to try my hand at... Shoot the freak. I'll be here when you get back. Okay. I'll be really quick. Say hi to Scramble for me. Now, I don't want you skimping on the liquor, Puck. But the doctor always had me cut for drinks with water. Well, if the doctor wanted to water down the drinks at his funeral, he shouldn't have swan-dived off the castle roof, should he?
He'll be livid if I do the full paw. No, he won't. Because he's dead. And you're sure he's not coming back? 99%. Hey, Mom. Aye, sweetie. Has anyone checked on the body? Puck, fall poor, or I'll bury you with him. Yes. Hey, lady. How's Dracula? He wasn't put off by our little spot of family drama, was he? He's doing okay. He's playing shoot the freak right now.
Oh, that's nice. You know, I tried to rename the booth Shoot the Dapper Little Gentleman, but Scramble wouldn't have it. I, uh, just wanted to check in on you and... See how you're doing. Oh, you know, busy as a big foot in heat. It's like spinning plates, but one of the plates is an actual plate spinner who refuses to spin plates until you Venmo him his plate spinning fee. No, I meant about Dad.
And our fight. Oh, it's fine, dear. It's not, though. Oh, come on now. I know you didn't mean it. But that's the problem, Ma. I did mean it. You always pretend everything is alright. Even when it isn't. Look, you're my son, and I love you, no matter what. Isn't that enough? Yeah, but that's not... No, but. Only love. Please. Just listen for a second. Okay, Frankie. I'm listening. Sometimes things aren't alright.
Things weren't alright for pretty much the entirety of my childhood. And I know you were just trying to... I don't know, give us a normal childhood or whatever but it made me feel like the thing that was wrong was inside me. What do you want me to say, Frank? That I was a bad mother? No, no. You're not a bad mother. Not at all. You filled a miserable childhood with little shiny moments of joy. I just want you to acknowledge that I was having a bad time. That we were all having a bad time.
And it was his fault. I... Just say it. Just once. You hated him. We all did. I can't. Why? I just can't. Please. Frank, no. Please, Mom. I need this. Baby, stop. Why? Because he made me, Frank. Okay? What? He made me to look after you and your brother. He never gave me the bits for hating. You and Perfie were given the chance to grow and become your own people. But I've been who I was since the day I was born. No, no, no.
That doesn't make any sense. Please, Frank, I was gonna tell you, but you left and things got complicated. But you're all one piece. All the parts are from the same person, except for the brain. Who was she? He said she was a colleague of his who got sick. Great. Amazing. Literally, the only person who loves me unconditionally is a flesh robot built to love me unconditionally. I am not a robot, dear. Oh, he fucking got me! He got me so good. Just because I was made to love you.
Does it mean I love you any less than a traditional mother? What does that even mean? What am I meant to do with that? Do you want me to get you a three-headed corndog? No, Ma! Esme! Whoever you are! i need to be alone right now One's one? Yep. If you and I are going to remain friends, you will have to learn how to use a smartphone. Camilla. You're not staying for the demon summoning? You know I can't.
I have a flight to catch. There will be other flights. Camilla, please. I can't do this anymore. Just tell him I said goodbye. Drekler, what happened between Spring 2016 and Winter 2018? Frank and I got an apartment together. It was a dingy little rat hole. We had three consecutive roach infestations and the lights would flicker when you ran the tap.
And the landlord was a literal demon. For as long as we've been connected, that was the only time our hearts were free from anguish. It felt almost like... Home. Do you think I don't know that? Do you think I was the only vampire on the planet who could not feel it? I am not an idiot, Camilla. I felt it. I felt it deep in my bones and in my flesh. And how long did it last? A couple of weeks? Months? And what is that compared to 500 years of anguish?
You are looking at me like I'm so foolish. But you know we can't be together. He's stubborn and emotional and so, so broken. And me, I pretend to be the grown-up, but I'm worse. I am just like the man he spent his whole life running away from. And someday he's going to realize that. I disagree. That man is dead. You think I'm scared? I think. Your ride is here, old man. Hey, Frank. Oh, sweet Jesus. We're going to die. Did you know? Did I know what? That dad made mom. Oh.
I never knew new, but I had my suspicions about some stuff. Like what? Well, she looks the same age as the day I was born. She does? Yeah, pretty much. I thought that was yoga. Yeah, probably not. Do you want to come in? Yeah. Frank, this is Malik. Malik Frank. Hi, Frank. If I die, you're not invited to the funeral. Oh, that's fair. It's nice to meet you. I can't believe y'all are finally meeting. It's a pity Dracula isn't here.
Push over. Hey, babe. What the hell is going on up here? Ah, double date. That's what's going on. I changed my mind. Frank, please continue destroying the Ferris wheel. You are going to destroy the Ferris wheel. No! I just need to talk to the... to Purphy. I still do, actually. It turns out, Dad made my mom. Oh. Yeah, that makes sense. Why am I the only one surprised by this? I saw her move a Humvee with her bare hands earlier.
She does yoga. What do you think yoga is? Wait, what is the big deal? So your mom is just like you. It's actually sort of nice. I always thought Mom stuck with us by choice. Like she didn't have to take care of these two monster kids, but she did. And no matter how weird or messed up our life got, we were her kids. And she loved us. But now it's like the doc made her to what? Keep us in line? I think... on a cold scientific level.
Doc knew we needed love, so he made mom. That's messed up, though. Like, if he knew we needed love... Why didn't he just love us? I don't think the Doc ever thought of us as his children. I think he was interested in the science of creating life. But there's no way he wanted kids. Mom was just... A solution to a problem. I'm sorry I never said anything about my suspicions to you, Frank. But the way things are between us, it never seemed like the right time.
I'm sorry I was a terrible big brother. Are you kidding? You're the best big brother in the world. He absolutely is not. Back off, Malik. No, he's right. I've never been there for you. You're kidding, right? Frank, you're my freaking hero. He said Lana Del Rey was his hero last week. No, I said she was my problematic face. Frank was my literal, honest-to-God superhero. What are you talking about? Frank, you used to put yourself between me and the doc constantly.
The only reason he thought I was the good kid was because you took the blame for everything I did. That's just brother stuff. Yeah, it is. All these years, I thought you hated me. Frank, I love you. You aggravate the shit out of me sometimes, but I never hated you. Well, I hate you both. On some level, I think I always knew about mom. Like, subconsciously. That's why it always bothers me when she pretends everything's fine. When it's not. Oh my god, it drives me up the...
How does it drive you up the wall? You're the exact same way. Yes, Frank does it too. It's different. Yeah. Mama's in a league of her own. We're like this because of her. Exactly. Do you remember how dad would make us stand in the hallway when we were bad? Balancing the washer and dryer on our heads. And she'd sit with us all night feeding us snacks. And holding up the old cathode ray tube TV so we could watch infomercials. She'd say...
Aren't you so lucky getting to stay up all night and watch TV? Oh, man. What a great mom. Yeah. Okay, suddenly, this ride is making me nauseous. Murphy, your boyfriend is weird and mean. Yeah, I know. Hey! You boys almost missed it! Sorry. Couples therapy went long. Dracula, put on your paper hat. Oh, uh, sure. Thanks. So handsome. Hey, Ma. Hi, Frankie. I just want to say... It's okay, Frank. Just say what you need to say. I just want to say... Everything's fine. Yeah? Yeah, Ma.
I'd do my best. I know. I know. Well, go on now. Enjoy the demon summoning with Dracula. Okay. I love you, Ma. Come on, we can climb on top of the whack-a-mole men stall. Will it hold us? I guess we'll find out. Oh, we can see the sigil from here. Frank, I am... You go first. I... Okay, I don't know how to say this, but... Just, just say it. I... I think I'm gonna stay here for a while.
Oh. It was so nice to finally have it out with Perthie, but I've lost so much time. I think I need to stay here for a bit and just be part of the family. For how long? I don't know. Maybe a couple months or longer. I'm sorry to spring this on you like this, but... No. No, it makes sense. I, um... I think that time will be good for your soul. It could be good for your soul, too. What? I mean, if you wanted, you could stay as well. Like, stay as...
As your boyfriend? I mean, if you wanted to. I would like that. I mean... I would really like that. But also, if you didn't, you could just stay, you know, as a guy, just a guy friend, you know, like just one of the guys. Just a guy friend moving in with you and your mom. Well, it's a little weird when you put it like that, but it's a big castle and there's a gatehouse. You know, I was sort of hoping to start reconnecting with my family. Oh, I mean, that would be amazing. Yeah? Yeah.
I've always thought you'd make a wonderful vampire cult leader granddad sort of thing. Thanks, Frank. So you'll probably be doing a lot of traveling then? Probably. But it would make sense to have a sort of... home base to operate out of? Yeah. And you would picture that Do you remember when I told you I never really felt at home anywhere? I sure do. Well, I lied. That's okay. I lie all the time. You do? Sure. Touché. You want to tell me about your home place? Come here.
Not really. I love a nice old-fashioned demon summoning. I have not been to one since... Oh no. Yeah, that'll put air on your chest. Frank, let us go inside. What? Really? It's almost over. Yeah, you know, I guess I'm not really feeling it right now. Did I do something wrong? No, I just think best if we skipped the demon summoning. Dracula? What's wrong? Oh no. it's him Oh my god, Dracula! Is that you? They summoned my ex-husband.
Brokenhearted Monsters is a Neon Inquil podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License. This series is written and created by Shane and Morgan Ormond and StripCon. This episode was edited by Nico Vitesse, Catherine Seaton, Tessa Vroom, Meg McKellar, and Catherine Brunella, with music from Nico Vitesse. It featured Kai Partenia as Dracula, Marcus Bobicic as...
Evelyn Mercallius Esme, Alistair Cato, with additional voices from Ash Kelly, Ted Hazard, Paul Kondarian, Philomena Sherwood, Shahan Hamza, and Karim. Call is produced by April Sumner with executive producer Alexander James. visit RustyQuill.com. Rate and review us online, tweet us at TheRustyQuill, visit us on Facebook, or email us on Facebook. There's a lot to keep new parents awake at night.
But it won't be the prices at Asda's Baby and Toddler event, starting from the 21st of April, including the MAM Anti-Colic Bottle set down from £38 to £24.98, and the Newbie Rapid Cool Bottle Maker down from £40 to £24.88. Plus, for more exclusive offers... Pay by card. Earning points. It's as simple as... It's what you can do with them that counts. Discoveries with friends. Memories with your taste buds. Or just one epic...
Spend your points on what really matters to you. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Limited time offers end 27th of May 2025. Search Amex Cards. preferred reward gold credit card representative 87.3% APR variable annual fee applies after the first year subject to status 18 plus T's and C's apply remind me to bring photo ID reminder Set. Babe, can you make sure I don't forget my photo ID when I vote?
Alright love. You'll need photo ID to vote on the 1st of May. Don't have ID? Apply for free voter ID now. Find out more at electoralcommission.org.uk slash voter ID. Do you remember the brand that popped up while you were scrolling your social feed? No? But I bet you remember who sponsors your favourite podcast. That's because 74% of listeners recall the brands they hear when listening to podcasts.
If you want your business to be top of mind, podcast advertising with Acast is the way to go. Book your campaign today by visiting go.acast.com.