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Well, that is certainly a large rocking chair. Yeah. 20 feet tall, according to the brochure. I would love to see the grandma that was made for. Yeah. Frank? Yeah? Are you okay? This is our last bizarre roadside attraction before the awkward family gathering section of the trip. Do you not want to mess around a bit? I could take your picture on the big chair. Nah, I'm fine. You sure? Yeah, I'll probably just wait in the car while you look at the big chair or whatever.
No. No? No! You cannot force me to go to the large rocking chair and then not enjoy the large rocking chair. I'm sorry! I guess I've got some other stuff on my mind right now. Hey, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Hey, put me down. No, I want to sit on the large rocking chair. Dracula! I'm really not in the mood. Yes, well, I was not in the mood for any of this. You made your large rocking chair.
Now you will sit in. Great. We're sitting in the world's largest rocking chair. Are you happy? Actually, the brochure says they legally cannot call it the world's largest rocking chair anymore. There is a bigger one in Illinois. Still a pretty large rocking chair, though. Stupid mid-size giant rocking chair. And yes, I am happy. As much as I did not want to do this... Again, I'm sorry for kidnapping you. As much as I did not want to do this... I have had fun. Yeah? Yes.
I like the world's largest collection of the world's smallest versions of the world's largest things. And the death trap castle built by a mad libertarian. It's his right as an American to build that death trap. And I am glad we finally got to take the big trip we always talked about. Even though I went on a rampage and put the fear of God in a Girl Scout troop? That was not my favorite part.
Yeah. But a great trip has to have trials and tribulations. Puzzles to solve, monsters to slay, that sort of thing. Monsters to slay? Metaphorically. Poor choice of words. The point is, I have had a nice time, and it is perfectly normal to be freaking out right now. I'm not freaking out. You have completely unraveled your belly stitches. What? Oh, dang. You can see my inflatable sack. Here, take my hand. What? I want to take a beat and enjoy the moment.
Dracula. Do not make a big deal of it. Friends can hold hands. Can friends make out a little bit? Kidding. Totally kidding. It has been a pretty great trip, I guess. And it is not over. It is just that the next leg of the journey is a little more... Painful, tortuous, surrounded by homophobic relatives. I was going to say complicated. Torture can be complicated. The point is no matter what happens, I will be here for you. No matter what? Within reason. Thanks, Dracula.
If you ever need me to return the favor, I'll be right there beside you. Well, my dad died 500 years ago of two fakes, so no worries there. I'm sure he would have been very proud of you. He thought I was an abomination onto Earth. Ugh, dads. Mm-hmm. How homophobic are these relatives? Which one of you does the lady stuff in the bedroom? Uncle George. I'm kidding. I know all about gay stuff. Lori has a Sex of the City Collector's Edition DVD box set. Is mom around? How?
How long has it been since you visited your poor old parents, eh? 10? 20 years? Yeah, something like that. Ah, well, better late than never. Pity you weren't able to squeeze in a visit before the doc kicked it. Yeah, well, I was... Kinda busy, so... I'm busting your balls, Frankie. I knew he was a prick. Trust me. I grew up with the guy. Speaking of which, could you talk to your mother about my inheritance? Your inheritance? You know I loaned a son of a bitch to...
We will be sure to put in a good world, Uncle George. What a sweetie. I take back everything I ever said about you people. Okay, I haven't had the chance to introduce Dracula to Mom yet, so we should... Yeah, I know all about your generation's short attention spans. Kick rocks, jagoffs. Ha, yeah. Bye, Uncle George. I'm so sorry about him. You don't have to apologize. You could throw him out.
window if you like. Nah. Mom had iron bars put on after the last defenestration. I did not realize your family was so big. And loud. You doing alright? Yes. It's just a lot of new people at once. Do you need to go outside? No, I'm fine. Just talk to me. Tell me about your family. Oh, okay. You see that bald guy with the gaping hole in his chest? Yes. That's Cousin Caliban.
a zombie or ghoul. He owns a bicycle repair shop in town. But does he own the Sex and the City Collector's Edition DVD box set? Probably. He lives with his special friend, Big Ed, the town mechanic. Scandalous. Oh, if you're looking for a scandal, check out the old lady in the bathtub. Mermaid? Siren. Aunt Myra. She always shows up to these things with a fresh honk on her arm. Okay, Aunt Myra.
I don't know where she meets these guys. They're almost always sailors or fishermen though. Oh, who is the woman in the apron who is built like a Tonka truck? Mom... Hi, Mom. Well, that's a little monster I haven't seen in a long time. Oh, let me look at you. My, my, you haven't changed. One bit. Actually, I think you'll find I've matured somewhat. Intellectually, spiritually, financially. Oh, you're starting to sound like your brother with his podcasts. Pod...
are for emotionally stunted man children who cannot bear to be alone with their own thoughts. I listen to books. Oh, look at my little smarty pants. Hearing books. You should ask your brother. You can play in his library. I am not a smarty pants. I am a man grown. The cutest little man grown in the world. Oh my God, where are my manners? You must be Dracula.
I am. I'm sorry, I was not expecting someone so... Effervescent, ebullient, vigorous, vivacious? Uh, young? You know how it is. I was half a baby myself when we had Frankie. The famous Dracula in my house. After all this time, I'd almost given up hope. It's a pity we missed the boat on the whole relationship thing. Unless... We have come to a platonic arrangement that both parties find... We are still broken up. Oh, shame. Well, I'm sure there's someone out there for you, Dracula.
Sit at the counter. You can tell me everything about your trip while I prepare the meal. Frankie, baby, have you eaten? Yes, Mother. We partook of some vittles in a little eatery outside of Milford. Outside of Milford? You mean Danny's food home? I believe that was the name of said establishment, yes. Oh, your brother and his boyfriend love that place. Boyfriend? Oh, I did not know he was gay. He's not.
Oh, he's as gay as they come, Dracula. I tell you, he used to tear through the boys at a terrible rate. But thank the darkness, he's settled down a bit now and has a lovely young man. The perfect man is... Not gay. Oh, he is? You should have heard his coming out speech, Frankie. Everybody was crying and laughing and hugging. You should ask him to do it for you later. It was so inspirational.
I was finally able to come to terms with my own bisexuality. What? Anyway, it's a pity you've eaten, baby. I was just deep frying some squawks for our guests. What? In the spicy batter with the dipping? With the dippy dippy, Frankie's favorite. I could eat a squonk, I guess. Oh, my God. Where are my manners? Dracula, are you hungry? Mom, Dracula doesn't eat people food. Oh, shush, Frankie.
Dracula's hardly the first sanguinarian to darken our doorstep. Come with me, dear, before I forget. It is really fine. I have a cooler in the trunk with enough for the weekend. Dracula, if one of my guests was forced to eat out of a trunk... For a weekend, I would drown myself at Julia Child's underwater grave. Come with me. Uh, what the hell are you doing? What? I'm not doing anything. Really? Just a normal platonic Vittles enjoyer, are we?
You think you could call me Franklin while we're here? Oh, my God. Let's see. Blood pudding, blood soup, blood jelly, blood butter. I have blood courses arranged for all... meals this weekend, but if you get peckish at any time, help yourself to the blood fridge in the pantry. Oh my god. This is almost a year's supply of blood. And there's blood pots in the freezer, shaped like little bats. I didn't know
That was offensive, but I saw the molds at Aldi, and it was too cute not to. This is way too much for a weekend. Well then, you'll have to come and visit us more. Oh, I do not know if I will be around. This trip is meant to be one last hook. for me and Frank. Oh, that's okay. Frank's never here anyway. Yeah. How are you holding up? Me? I'm fine. Why do you ask? Oh, you know, the...
Funeral? Oh, the dead husband thing. Yes? I'm fine. Totally fine. Honestly, it's barely even a thing. Oh my god, this... How are you doing for money, Frankie? Money is no longer an issue. My portfolio is performing quite admirably. Well, I was gonna say that with your father gone, I hold the purse strings. I can help out a little bit more. Well, now that you mention it, most of my cash is tied up in overseas markets and stockings. I could use a capital inflection. Esme, you really did...
need to go to all that effort. It is an exquisite selection. Oh, it was nothing. I have a back alley doctor in Philadelphia. Of course you do. Here you go, Frankie, with the dippy on the side. Now, Dracula, how was your boy trip? My what? Did you see the giant teapot? Oh, yes. It was nice. So nice. I make a pilgrimage there every couple of years. Just a reminder.
myself what it's all about. Teapots? Yes. Not really, but yes. I've always said that the most beautiful thing a human can do in this life is be of service to others, to provide warmth and Comfort where there is none. Like a teapot. Like a teapot. Is that why you never left, um... Never left what, dear? Well, it is just that I've heard how difficult the dock could be.
Oh, that man. Let me tell you, he used to leave his socks everywhere. Said he used to get sweaty feet. Yeah, that was not quite what I, um... Frank, do you want to weigh in on this? Uh, I think Dracula's trying to ask why you never left the dock. Why would I leave your dad? Because of the way he treated us. Your dad is dead, Frank. No, I know. It's just that...
There was a long period where he wasn't. Frankie, what am I supposed to do? Resurrect him with a magic shovel? Just to leave him? No, that's not what I meant. Magic shovels don't even... Yes, baby. Your dad is gone. I know, Ma. It's just Dracula and I were talking on the way here. And Dracula thinks we should be more open and stuff. Please do not drag me into this. No offense.
Dracula, but he wasn't there. I really do not mean to intrude on family matters, but it sounds like Frank had an extremely difficult childhood. Oh, shush. You had a roof over your head. and a family who loved you, didn't you? Did I, Ma? You had everything a child could want. Everything? You had your wrestling men and your pogs and a baby brother to play with. He was built to replace me.
That's not true. Mom, the doc literally called him the perfect man. Your dad was just excited about your little brother. Not everything has a bright side, Mom. Sometimes things are just fucked up, and that's the way it is. How could anything in the world get me down when my children are just so amazing? Ma, please. Look at this wonderful boy, Dracula. Isn't he incredible? Ma?
Stop it! Who's my happy little onion man? Ma, stop! Frankie, baby! I'm not a baby, Ma! I'm a grown-up! Treat me like a goddamn grown-up! I... Hello, Frank. Hi, the perfect man. One Hearted Monsters is a Neon Inquil podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License. is written and created by Shane and Morgan Ormond and
This episode was edited by Nico Vitesse, Catherine Seaton, Tessa Vroom, Meg McKellar, and Catherine Brunella, with music from Nico Vitesse. It featured Kai Partenia as Dracula, Marcus Pobisic as Frank, Evelyn McCauley, Beth Eyre is Camilla, with additional voices from Ash Kelly, Ted Hazard, Paul Kondarian, Philomena Sherwood, Shahan Hamza, and Karim Krumflik. Neon Inqual is produced by April Sumner with executive producer Alexander J. Newell and showrunner.
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