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Rusty Quill Presents Brokenhearted Monsters Episode 3 Diced onions. Relish. Sauerkraut. Can you believe this place? Yes, it is a restaurant. No, it's a themed restaurant. Uh-huh. This is what it's all about, babe. The broken jukebox. The haggard waitress. The booths shaped like convertibles? You have an actual convertible outside. And you have left your sense of childlike wonder outside. I do not have a sense of childlike wonder. I have the minimum standards of a regular grown-up.
Uh, if this place isn't for grown-ups, why is everyone here over 60? After church lunch rush. Welcome to Greases, I'm Sherry. I'll be your server today. Can I get y'all started with a round of our famous budded molts? Hello, Sherry. I'm Frank, and this grumpy Gabriel is Dracula. I don't need your life story. Just your order, hon. Classic sherry. Can I get the, uh, great gutterball breakfast? But could I get it shaped like a face, like the kid's gutterball? Sure, hon.
Do you want crayons to color the back of the menu while you wait? Just the breakfast is fine. And for grumpy Gabriel? Water. Still or sparkling? Top. I'll speak with the chef and see what he can do. I think Sherry has a lot going on. How come they never ask you if you want crayons? Maybe it is your sense of childlike wonder. You are really bothered by me enjoying stuff, aren't you? I do not care if you enjoy stuff, Frank.
I am saying that if you insist on acting like a child all the time, people are going to treat you like one. I don't think there's anything wrong with live, laugh, loving a little. And I think you'll find I've matured a lot since we broke up. Come on, Frank. You have to admit, maturity has never been one of your strong points. Give me one example. The chef would like to know if the gentleman wants his breakfast face smiling or frowning. Uh, smiling, please.
Okay, give me a different example. How about your complete inability to discuss your family? How about your complete... Oh, jeez. Ah, splendid riposte. Let us stuff that emotional baggage back in the emotional trunk and pretend it does not exist, shall we? Because New Frank doesn't have a problem talking about his family. Oh, I did not realize that we were basking in the presence of New Frank. Well, you better realize it, babe.
Because he's here, and he's spitting truth about his mom and dad and stuff. You're not saying anything. I am waiting for you to start spitting. Oh, yeah. Well, uh... I guess if I had to start somewhere, it'd probably be with the doggies. The doggies? Yeah, babe. You see, the old doc had something of a gambling streak. Cards, horses, the secret to life itself.
He gambled with them all, but he loved nothing more than a bet on the doggies. This was back when Greyhound racing was still legal in the great state of Pennsylvania, of course. Now the dog... He was a scientific genius who spat in the face of God on a daily basis. A real smarty-pants, you dig? But try as he might, he couldn't figure the math on these majestic grey longboys.
Making life was easy, but living things? Living things never made sense to the dark. That's where I come in. That is where you come in. Don't interrupt, babe. I didn't know my Pythagorums from my Archimedes, but... I knew a winner when I saw it. Really? Well, I picked you, didn't I? Frank, stop it. Well, stop interrupting me, babe, and I'll stop flirting. Okay, so the doc couldn't deny my talent.
So he'd bring me to the racetrack every week. We'd win every race and use our winnings to buy beer and hot dogs with diced onions, relish, and sauerkraut. And every week, I'd slip 25 cents into my pocket. and sneak it in my Hulk Hogan piggy bank when I got home. Eventually, I had saved up enough to buy Mom a porcelain figurine of Lon Chaney. Lon Chaney. Yeah, she loved old Ronald.
She loved that porcelain figurine. It became her prized possession and has pried a place on her bedside table to this day. Frank? Yeah, babe? In my centuries of walking the earth... I have never encountered such a steaming pile of demon shit. What? It kind of sounds like you're denying my truth right now. Frank, this story stinks to the high heavens.
Weekly hot dogs and beer. You said you barely knew your dad. Well, do any of us really know anyone? You know what? Fine. Fine? Yes, fine. Lie to me. I do not care anymore. I mean, you care a little bit. Why should I? You do not even respect me enough to tell me the truth anymore. I may have smudged some of the details, but...
Most of it was true. Uh-huh. So you were a gambling prodigy who went to the dog track every week with your dad and used the winnings to buy your mother her prized possession. Well... When you put it like that. You put it like that. Okay, fine. You're right. I made it up. I'm sorry. Why would you lie to me, Frank? Because it's easier than telling the truth.
Please, Zombie Man, you're the only one who can stop Dr. Nobody. I'm sorry, General Doghands. I'm not Zombie Man anymore. Without the power of the Necroforce, I'm just a regular insurance claims adjuster with detachable limbs. That's right, zombie man. There's nothing that you can- What are you doing? Uh, I'm just playing with my guys. Where's your brother? He went to the store. With mom. Put your coat on. Where are we going?
There's a lot of people here. Don't worry about them. Just watch the dogs. Okay. Oh, there's a man selling hot dogs. Did your mother feed you this morning? Yeah. Then stop being greedy. Hey, look at this jagger. Hello, Benny. What's going on, duck? Nothing much. Just getting by. I know that. Who's the big fella? This is Frank.
Say hello to Benny, Frank. Hello. Jeez, old man. Look at the meat on this beef truck. You walk for the stealer, son. Oh, I... Leave him alone. He's quiet. Where'd you send it at? He's with his mother, shopping. Yeah? Good kid, helping his ma. Mm-hmm. He, uh, didn't get a look at the program this morning, did he? He did not. Ah, well.
Guess we're paying for our own ying-a-lings today, huh? I'm sure you'll manage. Manage it quite well already as it happens. Me and the boys are up on the second floor if you want to come seek a few. Bet you could put him away. Hey, Optimus Prime? He doesn't drink. You're a wet sack, Doc. Goodbye, Benny. Sure, Doc. Frank, it was nice to meet you. Bye. Idiot. What's a yingling? It's beer. Oh. He talks funny. It's an accent, Frank. Oh. It's a funny accent. Yes, I suppose it is.
My father used to speak like that. Huh. Cool. Do you miss him? Sometimes. He was, uh, a complicated man. What does that mean? It means sometimes I liked him, sometimes I didn't. Oh. But you like your mom. My mother is none of your business. But mom says that you are- God damn it, Frank. Leave it alone. Sorry. Come on. Let's go look at the dogs. Really? I said come on. Oh, look at them. They're so beautiful. They're handsome, not beautiful. Sorry. They're handsome. With big, long faces. Hi, boy.
Hello. Hi, hi. Look at you. Pick one. What? Which one looks the fastest to you? Oh, I... They all look fast. Yes, but which one is the best? Come on, look. Uh, oh, okay. Oh, I like this one's butt. Oh, this one's legs are really long. And this one's coat is so shiny. Don't overthink it. Just pick one. That one. Which one? Number 14. You're sure? Yeah, I like that one.
Here, hold on to this. What is it? Five dollars on Milton's Hero. Sixteen to one. That's your ticket. Don't lose it. My ticket? Here we go. That's him there, going in the box at the end. He looks scared. Good? What? Right now, his heart is pounding. His legs are shaking. Every cell of his being is screaming, Run away! Run away! We have to help him. No! You want to help, but you can't. Deprive a creature of its fear and you suffocate its will to live. He needs that fear to live.
He needs that fear to win. I'm gonna go check if he's alright. Move another inch and I'll melt every goddamn one of your dolls with a blowtorch. Watch the box. Look at him go. Come on, Milton. Come on. Shout for him, lad. Come on. Let him hear you. Come on, Milton. Come on. Come on, Milton. Come on. You can do it, Milton. Come on. He's falling behind, lad. Let him know you're here. Come on, Milton. You can do it.
Don't be afraid! Yes! Here he comes! Here he comes! Come on! Come on, boy! Come on! Come on! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! That's it! Yes! Yes! Yes! We did it! He did. And he did it beautifully. Handsomely. Come on. Give me the ticket and I'll collect your winnings. Oh, if it's okay, I think I want to keep it. As a souvenir. Don't be daft. That's a 16 to 1 winner you're holding. Let's go cash it in. But you said it was my ticket. It is. Bought by me with my money. I'll hand it over.
But I picked the doggy. And I handpicked every organ in that useless body of yours and stitched them together. If it wasn't for me, you'd still be 16 dead idiots rotting in the dirt. Dad? Don't you dare call me that. No son of mine would be so selfish and ungrateful. You can have the ticket. I've never been more embarrassed in my entire life. I should have scrapped you for parts before your mother imprinted on you.
You can have the ticket. I don't know how you and your brother came from the same graveyard. Just take it. Okay? Just take it, please. 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, and you're five back. Congratulations on your win. Yeah. What's this? Did I give you eyes? It's five dollars. You're winnings. Are you sure? Take the money and stop trying to make a fool of me in public. Okay. Can I buy a hot dog? It's always food with you. You know what? I could eat. Yes! What can I get you?
Two hot dogs, one with diced onions, relish, sauerkraut, one with... What do you want? Diced onions, relish, sauerkraut. Two with diced onions, relish, sauerkraut, and two beers. Ten even. Uh, I only got five. Put your money away. I've got it. Here you go, boys. Holy moly. You got it? Oh, I got it. Wait until you sit down before you unhinge your jaw. Sorry. Isn't it funny how we both like the same toppings? Don't speak with your mouth full. Sorry.
Go easy on the beer. You have an inflatable sack where your liver should be. What does that mean? It means that university grants for the abominable sciences aren't what they used to be. Okay. I think I like beer. Well, at least I got one thing right. Here, lift up your bottle. Like this? Cheers. Don't tell your mother about the beer. I won't.
I didn't tell her about the beer, but she smelled it on my breath when she tucked me in. That night, they had the screaming match to end all screaming matches. You could hear it all the way from the other side of the castle. I laid awake for hours waiting for him to come and drag me out of bed. He never did. That is awful. Is it? Yes, Frank. I cannot believe someone would treat their own child like that. Yeah.
And this isn't even one of my bad stories. What? This is the happiest memory I have of my dad. Oh, babe. You know that is not a good memory, right? Yeah. Obviously. It's just, we ate hot dogs together and he told me about granddad. In between prolonged stretches of being a belligerent piece of shit. I know. I was just glad he wanted to spend time with me.
The worst part is, I blame mom for the fighting after. I thought I'd finally made progress with dad, cracked the dad puzzle, you know, and she ruined it by picking a scrap with the old man. He didn't speak to me for two weeks after that. I turned around and gave my mom the exact same treatment. Iced her out just like my old man would. No eye contact, no words. She kept smiling through it all. I could tell it was breaking her heart, but...
I couldn't stop. I don't think I ever sorted out the kid logic in my head. But it was something like, if I can ice her out, just like Dad would, he'd know that I was just as mad at her as he was. And we'd be friends again. You know how messed up that sounds, right? It is not the child's job to earn their parents' love. Yeah. It seems obvious now, but it was always easier to blame mom.
than to face the reality of who my old man was. You do not still blame her, do you? No, of course not. Maybe there's a teeny tiny drop of resentment left in the keg, but... I get that she was on our side and just trying to survive. Um, where did all that stuff about the Lon Chaney porcelain figurine come from? Oh, I never bought Mom a Lon Chaney porcelain figurine. That was my brother. I can see why you do not want to talk about it.
But I still think it is better to air this stuff out now before we get to the funeral. I do feel a little better, but in a way that makes me feel kind of worse. Does that make sense? Yes, babe. That makes perfect sense. You know, you display a remarkable amount of self-awareness for someone who refuses to talk about their past. Thank you. And obviously the resentment for your brother comes from the same place. Oh no, he's just terrible.
Okay. Did we leave room for the zoid? Uh, did I? Yes, I think you did. Yes. I'll have the pecan pie with two scoops of chocolate ice cream on top. Pecan pie with two scoops of chocolate ice cream is only for good boys who take care of their poor old mamas. Apple pie and one scoop of vanilla, please. No. You'll have pecan pie with two scoops of chocolate. Understand? Yes, ma'am. Good. You know, for someone so big on sharing...
You never talk about your past. That is different. How is it different? Your thing happened, like what, 30 years ago? I have centuries of baggage, lore, legacy. I've lived lives as dozens of different people. They do not even feel like me. Oh, bullshit. You can't just play the vampire card every time. The only difference between your past and mine is iPods and soap. No, the difference is that you have an abusive father. I am an abusive father. You have kids? Yes, Frank, I have kids.
Every person I sired is one of my children. Each person they sired the children of my children. Yeah, but that's different. They're like adults with their own lives and... families and stuff. Yes, and by choosing to turn them against their will more often than not, I am deciding to tear them away from those lives. But you don't even hang out or do Thanksgiving? In the entire time we were dating.
Camilla was the only other vampire I ever met. Camilla is a special case. She was the first and the only member of the family who has refused to let me be. You met many of them over the years. I just did not allow them to reveal themselves to you. No way. I would have noticed if we were surrounded by vampires the whole time. Would you? No! Sherry? I fell from my horse and broke my neck on the cobblestones. He was tutoring my grandchild in Russian literature and heard the screams. Oh my god.
Wait, was he wearing a cute little outfit? Do not answer that. The littlest. When I woke up, he was gone. I met him one other time in New York City, but he denied my presence and... forbade me from talking to him. Being a vampire must be pretty cool, though. I'm strong, long-lived. I can't go outside during the day, and I watched my grandchild grow old and die.
It's a bit of a mixed bag. Thank you, Sherry. That is enough. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the egg. Thank you, Sherry. Enjoy your pie, darling. Wait. What was that about an ache? It was nothing. It didn't sound like nothing. It sounded ominous. And achy. I think we have done enough digging into my past for today. Lon Chaney. Porcelain figure. The reason it is so uncomfortable to be around the family is because there is an emotional fiber that runs through the entire bloodline.
Basically, I feel what they feel, and they feel what I feel. Oh, my God. So, when we're doing it, they can feel my... No! Jesus! Frank! It is entirely emotional, like a shared... Vibe? Sure. Why not? But Sherry called it an ache. I have been a little down since we broke up. That is all. That's all? That is all, babe. Post-breakup blues. Is there anything I can do? You can finish that ice cream so we can get this show back on the road. Alright. You know what? I was skeptical.
But I'm so glad we did this. We never talked like this when we were together. Look at how mature and healthy we are. So healthy? Okay, Chief, Table 5 wants an Adam and Eve on a raft, and all hot with extra axle grease, two cups of mud, and a baby juice. Come on right out. Table eight just left. Outta go. They were lousy tippers. In our dark water. We're fucked.
Broken Hearted Monsters is a Neon Inquil podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License. This series is written and created by Shane and Morgan Ormond and script consultation and directing by Amani Zardini. This episode was edited by Nico Vitesse, Catherine Seaton, Tessa Vroom, Meg McKellar, and Catherine Brunella.
with music from Nico Vitesic. It featured Kai Partenia as Dracula, Marcus Bobisic as Frank, Evelyn McCauley as Esme, Alistair Caddo as Perfie, Beth Ayrt as Camilla, with additional voices from Ash Kelly, Ted Hazard, Paul Kondarian, Philomena Sherwood, Shahan Hamza, and Karim Krumflik. Neon Inquil is produced by April Sumner with executive producer Alexander J. Newell and showrunner Elizabeth Monfield. To subscribe to your associated materials or join our Patreon, visit RustyQuil.com.
rate and review us online, tweet us at TheRustyQuill, visit us on Facebook, or email us at mail at RustyQuill.com. Thanks for listening. With Asana, you can manage any kind of work, from project intake to campaign management to strategic planning or anything else your team works on. Asana works for you. Hi, I'm Jemima from Acast, and this March, Acast is celebrating all women in podcasting. We're proud to bring you shows for women by women, and this is a chance for you to discover something new.
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