That's incredible. Rusty Quill Presents Brokenhearted Monsters Episode 2 The Vampire's Castle We are lost. We are not lost. We are parked at an intersection in the middle of the desert. Okay. We might be a little off course. Uh, why don't you, uh, crack the glove compartment? What is in the... A giant unfolded map. Turn in two? Yeah, I tried to refold it, but...
They make them so you can't. Well, that is not true. Babe, babe, babe, babe. Times have changed since you were a little bad. Hmm, to tell. Well, you see, back in olden times, you had real craftsmen who made things for the love of the craft. These days, everything is made to be a piece of crap, so you have to buy a new one when it breaks.
The 15th century was not exactly an artisanal craft fair. But you had your pride. We had war and starvation and maps that barely resembled a thing they were supposed to look like. Yeah, but I bet they didn't explode when you folded them. The map is fine. You just need to fold it the right way. Frank, what are these marks all over the map? I don't know. You tell me. Alligator Petting Zoo, Tall Head Museum, Sarsaparilla Mystery House, Taxidermy Derek's Bone Emporium. Surprise!
We're gonna hit every roadside attraction with the Roadside USA rating of bizarre, off-putting, or perverted between here and the castle. Did you see the statue of a normal man? This is... the trip. Well, you know me. I hate breaking a promise. But this is so much. Do we even have time? Ah, don't worry your pretty little head, babe. I got it all worked out. We can hit every death trap on this map.
Maybe swing by a couple hot doggeries for old Frankie. And get to the dead dad thing with time to spare. I do not know if I should be totally charmed or utterly furious. I have a strong preference for Charmed, but you're cute when you're furious too. We are not as lost as I thought we would be. The first attraction is just up ahead. Oh, which one is it? Welcome, oh doomed souls, to the horrifying realm of the Vampire's Castle. Hello. Yo, before you go any further, I must warn you thusly.
The castle contains a myriad of unspeakable horrors and monstrosities. No cage nor chain shall stand between you and the most abominable horrors these lands have ever seen. Okay. Gotcha. Go now, and please refrain from touching the actors. Seriously, it's not cool. Whoa. So this is what a real vampire's castle looks like. Mmm, yep. Just like home. Huh.
I thought there'd be more anime crap everywhere. Ah, the vampire aristocracy did not invent anime girl statuettes and pastel wallpapers until the 17th century. You know when we were together you never really talked about Olden times yeah olden times It was so long ago, sometimes it feels like someone else's memories. I love my homeland. For the time. Wallachia, right? Hello! Look at you knowing stuff!
I've been known to Google things from time to time. It was known by many names. Even during my human years, the land was constantly changing hands. My brothers would jokingly ask each other, Who rules this land? And the answer was always, that depends. What day is it? Yes. I had a whole funny family, a lot of rowdy boys, but they could be quite sweet at times. I loved weddings and funerals. The whole family would come home and eat and dance and just be together.
For a time, I could not imagine living anywhere else in the world. But then I... I stopped getting invited to weddings. Your family didn't take the whole vampire thing too well? No. They had a problem with who I was long before I was a creature of the night. Oh. Yeah. Sounds lonely. The first few years were definitely the hardest. Is that when you went all... Is that when I what? Well, you know, all the impaling. Gods! No! What? I'm not Vlad Zepes. Sorry, I...
You never talked about this stuff. I cannot believe you thought I was Vlad the Impaler the whole time. And you still dated me. Well, it was so long ago. And you were so hot. Frank! Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I needed a master's in medieval history to appreciate a little snack and tight black jeans. Frank! Would you ever go back? To visit? No. It is too painful to stand somewhere that once felt like home and feel nothing. Well, now you've got a new home. California.
God, no. I just live there because that is where all the monsters are. You don't really feel that way. Come on. You know, I hate all the sunshine and superficiality and woo-woo. Yeah, but all your friends are there. And? Dracula. They love you. We're... Do not say it. We're family. No.
My family died 500 years ago, and each and every one of them hated me. You know what I mean. No, I know the meaning that you are trying to force on me, and it sticks in my craw every time. You're telling me that Wolfie and Pusey mean nothing to you? We shared some good times together and now we have moved on. Is that not enough? It has been months since I have seen any of them. I do not know!
Maybe it is nobody's fault. You shut them out and went on a siren bender. I... I was alone. No, you wanted to be alone. You got one whiff of possible rejection and bolted. You know it is more complicated than that. We're disposable to you, aren't we? Oh, Frank, take it down a peg. You're a fucking tourist. Get yourself under control right now, or I will. You what? Leave me? Too late, Dracula. You already did that. You are scaring people. Hey men, you can't be rampaging in here.
I hope not. He has a funeral to get to. You happened, Frank. Oh, no. I rampaged, didn't I? You sure did. Did I hurt anyone? You put the fear of God in some Girl Scouts and wrecked a perfectly good vampire castle. But no, you did not hurt anyone. That's good. Yes, real awesome, dude. I had to give a 16-year-old my leather jacket to keep him from calling the cops. No! Your favorite jacket?
I'm so sorry Dracula. Maybe I should go back there and apologize? No. No? No. Apologizing would mean paying for damages. Paying with money you do not have. Well, I could have money. Frank, in my protracted existence, I have never known a person worse with money. Uh, maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do, old man. Six months is a long time for us little folk. You know, I've been busy forexing and compounding and putting my assets to work for me.
Oh, apologies. I had no idea. Then by all means, head back there and pay for the extensive structural damages you made. Oh, structural. You see? Load-bearing. Right. You think they take Bitcoin? So you see, I have diamond hands. That means I can hold better than anyone. And when it all goes to the moon, I'll be able to buy you as many leather jackets as you want. Podcasts were a mistake. Huh? I thought you had your rampaging under control. No.
Yeah, no, yeah, I do. Totally. It's barely a thing anymore. You threw a section of drywall at that Girl Scout troop. I guess... I guess I've been a little off since the breakup. Define a little off. Still, it wasn't my proudest moment. I had no idea it had gotten this bad. Like I said, it's fine. I've just reached a dip on the way to the peak of Sigma Mountain. Okay.
You are banned from consuming straight people media for the foreseeable future. Why did you not tell me any of this? Well, you broke up with me because of my rampaging. I thought maybe if I had my shit together, then... I did not break up with you because of your rampaging. I broke up with you because of the things you did while you were rampaging. Is that different? Yes. I don't get it. I know. Why are we stopping? Alligator Hank's unauthorized euphoria dioramas. We're at the next thing.
We have been on the road for 20 minutes. Can we skip this one? Oh, yeah. No worries. We're still good, though, for the dirt pits in 15. 15 minutes. How many stops are we making on this thing? Oh, you know, all of them. All of them. Frank, now that I'm really looking at this, I do not think we have the time... To hit all of... Oh my god. What? Oh my god. Wait! Daylight! Put your ring on! I got it!
You have no intention of going to any funeral. What? That's crazy. Look at all these stops. This would take months. Dracula. The funeral is the whole reason we're on this wild trip. Why would we not go? Unless... You didn't want to go. Oh my god. I thought you would like all this weird stuff. The selection of mystery shacks and giant household items is not the problem. You have very much captured my taste with almost insulting accuracy.
Then the problem is... The problem is I agreed to attend a funeral and you have turned it into an extended hostage situation with a gift shop. Whoa, whoa, babe. This isn't a kidnapping. I was just trying to show you a good time. Can you hear the actual words coming out of your mouth right now? Okay, I admit that sounded a little like something a serial killer would say, but I'm not a serial killer.
I just love you is all. Jesus Christ, Frank. Do not do this to me. That's... That is not what I meant to say. What was the plan, Frank? Did you think I would get so swept up in the fun that I would just forget the whole dead dad thing? Something like that. And in your head, I was fine with this. In my head, we would have laughed it off. Because of how happy we were. Together. I am not going to say this again, Frank.
In fact, if a situation occurs where I feel the need to say this again, I am going to hurl you into the sun. We are not getting back together. Do you understand? It is fine. It just... Caught a little sun. It's not fine. It looks like rib tips. We are in the middle of something here. You're right. About everything. And I'm going to look at your arm while you continue to be right.
Fine. Roll your sleeve up. Here. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm like this. I think you care a lot about people. And you want to show them. Raise your arm a little. You have a hard time meeting people at their level and zero impulse control. Like when you told me you didn't want a birthday party, but I organized a giant surprise party anyway and when everyone jumped out you...
Cried? Do I really need to answer that question? No. It's just, these things bubble to the top of my head. And if I don't follow through, it feels like I'm letting someone down. Look. I do not hate big romantic gestures, Frank. It is actually one of your more endearing qualities. I have endearing qualities? Some.
My most cherished memories would not have happened if he had not officially nudged me out of my comfort zone. But you get that I am not a person you can make big romantic gestures for anymore. Right? I guess. You have favorite memories of us together? Of course, Frank. The bad times take a little shine off the goods. But I would be lying if I said my happiest memories were not with you. That's kind of sad.
600 years of living and your happiest moments are with the sack of body parts that broke your heart? The sack had its good days. Can we get back in the car? I can feel a magic ring migraine coming on. One second. There we go. I have favorite memories too. Well, keep them to yourself. This road trip is strictly PG. I wasn't talking about the horny stuff. I have a little more emotional intelligence than you give me credit for. Okay, okay. I am sorry.
Do you remember when I found that old traveler's chest of lacy black underwear in your crawlspace? Frank! What? Nah. My favorite memory was Pusey's birthday. At the moldy lemon? Ah, the stickiest bar I have ever been in. Wait, Piusy's birthday. I do not think we are going out then. Nope. Hadn't even kissed yet.
But it was one of three occasions, possibly in the span of human history, that the Dark Lord sang karaoke in public. I cannot believe you remember that. Oh, how could I forget? You sang a love ballad. Right at me. I absolutely did not. Well, maybe not right at me, but that's what it felt like. The whole world just melted away. It was just you and me. Alone. In a sticky void. That was the moment I realized we were gonna be a thing. Do you remember the song? It was... Oh God.
It was an old-timey love song, right? Oh, why can't I remember it? It is okay. I do not remember it either. It was a long time ago. Yeah, but it was supposed to be one of my favorite memories. The least I could do is remember the song. It does not matter if you remember the song. It just feels good to know that you noticed the moment also. Aha! I knew you were singing to me. Just drive the car, Columbo. We need to get to this funeral before the Stockholm Syndrome sets in.
Brokenhearted Monsters is a Neon Inquil podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License. This series is written and created by Shane and Morgan Ormond and script consultation and directing by Amani Zardini. This episode was edited by Nico Vitesse, Catherine Seaton, Tessa Vroom, Meg McKellar, and Catherine Brunella.
with music from Niko Vitesic. It featured Kai Partenia as Dracula, Marcus Bobicic as Frank, Evelyn McCauley as Esme, Alistair Caddo as Purphy, Beth Ayrt as Camilla. with additional voices from Ash Kelly, Ted Hazard, Paul Kondarian, Philomena Sherwood, Shahan Hamza, and Karim Krumflik. Neon Inkwell is produced by April Sumner with executive producer Alexander J. Newell and showrunner Elizabeth Moffitt. To subscribe, view associated materials or join our Patreon, visit RustyQuill.com.
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